Shia LaBeouf Is A One Man Oscar Party

By Travis March 03, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

There were no Oscar parties for Shia LaBeouf this weekend, as the most annoying asshole in show business continued his surprisingly normal trend of dressing like a lower class loser and buying stuff from random convenience stores. There’s a chance he might have been on his way to some kind of industry event, though, because he didn’t look like a homeless man who just took a shit on the floor in the frozen foods section of a Safeway as much as he looked like an unemployed, divorced dad who was on his way to see his kids for the court-approved 15 minutes before getting kicked out of a strip club for tipping with Monopoly money. This guy will be back to making Indiana Jones movies in no time.

Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/

Shia LaBeouf Made A LaBooze Run

By Travis February 19, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Shia LaBeouf continued the “Dress like an asshole” phase of his so-called artistic campaign of stealing everything from everybody by once again hiking up his hobo pants and slapping on a pair of UGGs for a trip to the liquor store. The most surprising part of all of this stupid behavior is that he drives a normal pickup truck and not something ridiculous and obnoxious like one of those three-wheel motorcycles built for really old fat people or the actual Bigfoot truck, so he can drive around crushing other people’s cars while claiming that he invented a new sport. It’s really just a shame that Shia didn’t crack a bottle of something in the car, because we’ve long since passed the “Arrested for acting like a shithead” portion of this routine.

Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/

Shia LaBeouf Took A Break From Being A Dick To Get A Smoothie

By Travis February 18, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Proving that he can’t sit in a room with a bag on his head, acting like a childish shithead with no sense of responsibility or respect for his peers, all day and every day, Shia LaBeouf and his girlfriend and Nymphomaniac co-star Mia Goth stepped out yesterday to get smoothies. Shia wasn’t dressed as a hipster as much as he looked like a homeless guy who just went buck wild on a $10 shopping spree inside a Goodwill store, but he still managed to look like the most punchable asshole in Hollywood. In fact, a really easy solution to this whole plagiarism thing would be to line up the people that he’s ripped off and let them take turns beating the piss out of him. The entertainment industry and world would be much better places for it.

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Shia LaBeouf Is Important

By Jack February 12, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Shia LaBeouf continued his reign of terror on the art world with a one man show at an LA gallery called #Iamsorry. The scrunchy-faced Pekingese set up shop in the Cohen gallery in Los Angeles in a performance art piece that apparently plagiarizes some other wanky performance artist named Marina Abramović. Because, you know, he can’t even come up with his own stupid bullshit to do. You can literally do anything and call it performance art. He can jack off to a picture of Bea Arthur while wearing his grandma’s panties and call it art. But, his show isn’t that interesting. Basically, you grab a toy with deep meaning and wave it at him while LaBeouf sits behind a table wearing a paper bag that says “I’m not famous anymore on it”. As one spectator explained,

“You walk into a room where a French girl with a thick accent is standing behind a table. She tells you to choose one of the items on the table she calls implements. There’s a vase of daisies, a copy of Daniel Clowes’ “Death Ray” book, a rusty wrench, a whip, a pink ukulele, a bottle of perfume, a Transformers toy and a bowl with tweets people have written to him. She leads you to a room behind a black curtain and he’s sitting there with a tux and paper bag on his head. You sit there with him and ask him questions. No response from him, not even a smile or chuckle. He just blinks at you.”

Shia LaBeouf doesn’t have a drug problem nor is he going crazy, he’s just a pretentious twat. He’s a person who became famous at an early age because he was a precocious child actor from L.A. But he always knew he was more special and sophisticated than the other bubble gum kid stars. He’s desperate to be more than just the curly-haired guy who runs around and screams a lot in Transformers. That’s not how he sees himself. He’s a real artist with something to say. So like a crappy musician, instead of being good, he’s just playing extra loud. This can’t end well.

Shia LaBeouf Is Important

By Jack February 10, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

Shia LaBeouf wore a bag on his head, walked out of a press conference, and generally acted like a chode at the Berlin Film Festival. He was there to promote the glorified porno Nymphomaniac, directed by sieg heiling pervert Lars Von Trier. It all began during a press conference when a reporter asked LaBeouf what it was like to be in a movie with so much sexy and nudity. Instead of answering the question like a standard self-important actor would, Shia decided to answer by plagiarizing French soccer player Eric Cantona:

“When seagulls follow the trawler it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.”

What in the name of shit are you talking about you crazy fuck? Things got even weirder when LaBeouf showed up on the red carpet wearing a bag on his head that said, “I’m not famous anymore”. He claims that all of his weird behavior of late is just performance art and not that he’s a little shit dick bereft of original ideas. It’s hard to say if he’s being a pretentious asshole or if he has some kind of substance abuse problem beyond just his routinely occurring drunken bar beatdowns. I’d expect him to enter some kind of ironic rehab center shortly to be treated for pseudo-intellectual assholery. If we’re lucky, he’ll fake his own death and play it out for four to five decades in hiding.

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Shia LaBeouf Says It Was All Performance Art

By Jack January 23, 2014 @ 4:30 PM

Shia Labeouf is now claiming that his bizarre behavior and rampant plagiarism was all just digital performance art. The pekingese-faced star of Transformers revealed that it was all meant as a commentary on art in the age of Twitter or some shit. He said that his #stopcreating hashtag seen after many of his myriad apologies is part of a project he’s working on with other “artists” to explore, like, what is art, man. He says,

“Performance art has been a way of appealing directly to a large public, as well as shocking audiences into reassessing their own notions of art and its relation to culture. My twitter ‘@thecampaignbook’ is meta-modernist performance art. A Performative [sic] redress which is all a public apology really is.”

Right. As for the plagiarism, he says he meant to get caught. It was a statement about plagiarism in a digital age. It’s not that he’s a fucking moron that doesn’t know how to properly cite things or was trying to pass someone else’s work off as his own. No, it’s just that,

“All art is either plagarisum [sic] or revolution & to be revolutionary in art today, is to be reactionary.”

And with that, all the people who truly believed they couldn’t possibly hate Shia LaBeouf more than they already do were rendered speechless. I had just assumed he was shit-his-pants stupid and that maybe he just didn’t know any better since he was raised as a stage kid in Los Angeles. But now I see that on top of being a fucking moron he’s also a pretentious pseudo-intellectual fuckwad. I intend to claim performance art as my defense when I beat him senseless across his self-satisfied mug. When the jury acquits me, I’ll tell Shia how meta it would be if I got to sign his face cast.