By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 8:02 AM
Sia apologized to people who thought her video featuring Shia LaBeouf and a twelve year old chick groping each other was laden with enough pedophiliac content to make the entire sex offender registry collectively cum. I’m not saying it definitely constitutes child porn, but if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable as fuck you’re most definitely a pedophile and probably deserve to be drowned with the other witches. Maddie Ziegler’s mom approved of the video, which is so icky it even weirded out some other Dance Moms who are all horrible fucking parents:
“I nearly threw up… I am flabbergasted Melissa would go to the levels she is going to get her daughter famous.”
Granted, these dance moms are filled almost entirely with jealousy and marbled fudge. Don’t think any one of them wouldn’t order their little girls to grind Shia LaBeouf in the champagne room if it meant a background part on a Nick Jr. sitcom. Sia remained mute which is normally a good thing but finally issued an apology via Twitter:
“I anticipated some ‘pedophelia!!!’ Cries for this video. All I can say is Maddie and Shia are two of the only actors I felt could play… These two warring ‘sia’ self states…I apologize to those who feel triggered by #ElasticHeart My intention was to create some emotional content, not to upset anybody.”
‘Triggered’ sounds like one of those words where you’re apologizing but mostly blaming the other person. I’m sorry I ‘triggered’ your anger after I kicked you in the nuts, asshole. If you’re anticipating the vast majority of viewers to feel your material is pedophilia, maybe go back to the drawing board. Of course there’s always the possibility you knew you were pushing the pedo envelope in a ploy to garner attention for your shitty song since that worked last time.
Fucking with your audience is fine when you’re teasing me with a nipple. Not so much with a felony. My odds LaBeouf ends up in prison at some point are pretty high. I don’t think he’s into little girls, I just think he’s an asshole who will someday shoot the UPS delivery guy for being a sellout. Somebody needs to sit both of these ‘sia’ self states down and slap them with pictures of starving people collecting dung for dinner in Mumbai. This video is entirely the byproduct of adults telling children they’re special. Unless they’re starting fires with their minds, that shit needs to stop now.
By Lex January 07, 2015 @ 11:42 AM
There’s art. And then there’s art where Shia LaBeouf is in a cage in nothing but a loin cloth making some girl sniff his fingers. That’s the kind of art where people get arrested and even the most progressive minded free speechers say, yeah, that makes sense.
In Sia’s last video everybody watched because they love little girls acting like desperately drunken motel whores, Maddie Ziegler proved the power of dance. That is the power to turn the oppression of half naked young girls into something culturally worthy. For round two, she’d added Shia LaBeouf presumably as the ‘dad’ to the girl who is now trapped in a cage. That’s a metaphor in case your ears haven’t stopped ringing from being beat over the head with it yet. She can get out of the cage. Shia can’t. That means something important to famous people who spend almost all their time thinking about their horrible plight. To the rest of us, it’s just exhibit A in the lawsuit this girl eventually files against her parents, Sia, Shia, and hopefully one or two women’s studies programs just for kickers.
Photo Credit: Youtube
By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 11:52 AM
Shia LaBeouf version 2014 was particularly douchey. You may recall a performance art piece where he sat alone in a room in studio in Los Angeles wearing a paper bag over his head with the slogan ‘I’m not famous anymore’ while individuals berated him with various random objects on a table between them. This contrived performance reeked so heavily of morose Scandinavian foreplay, that one woman decided to just go for it, strip off his pants and start banging him while he sat there motionless. Shia nonchalantly revealed his shame to Dazed magazine:
One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for 10 minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me.
When you put a bag over your face, tell people to do whatever they want with you, then not say anything when a whack chick peels off your pants and mounts you on a chair, that’s not actually rape. That’s just lucky, minus the street STDs. Eventually, the show organizers came in and shooed the girl off Shia’s dick because she threatened the integrity of their message, which was ‘Where lies a public figure’s true self in the post-Internet age?’. I don’t know, raping Shia LaBeouf sounds more interesting than that art school nonsense.
Shia seemed particularly nonplussed by the incident, even when his girlfriend got wind of the sexual non-assault and came running into the room:
When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.
Unexplained silent trauma. How delicious. I’m guessing most people’s girlfriends would be less silent if they found their boyfriend with a bag over his head and some skank riding his dick at an art exhibit. Being the girlfriend of a serious artist requires some level of disconnect from normal relationship expectations. Still, I hope she shoved the various implements up his ass, and not in the pre-lubricated manner to which he’s typically accustomed.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:02 AM
Shia LaBeouf claimed his drunken buffoonery was caused by his acting research and not the fact that he’s incredibly prone to being a douchebag. It’s hard to come to grips with being a Teen Beat boy slut. Some deal with this validated self loathing through drugs or suicide. LaBeouf has decided to prove his doubters wrong and become a Playgirl centerfold doing a bad Brando. Hemingway would blush but Cory Feldman is probably jealous. He describes pissing off Alec Baldwin during a shoot as the type of shit hardcore actors and not annoying assholes do:
“Alec and I butted heads hard. I was sleeping in the park . . . At the time, I was out of my mind.”
I wonder if he bunked with Miley’s unemployed male model ward who was also sleeping in the park. This park sure sounds like fun to me. Low grade heroin and blow jobs from trannies with The AIDS is Disneyland for the deeply self-loathing. LaBeouf’s plans following his next string of cuntiness are to do a lot of rhino hunting from a T Top Camaro while drinking aged bourbon. He won’t be happy until he’s died in some terrifically pointless masculine manner. Neither will we.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Shia LaBeouf went on Jimmy Kimmel and discussed his twenty-four hour stint in solitary confinement for being a raging drunken asshole.
“I get to the station and I quickly realize, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not made for this set up…So I’m like, ‘You gotta do something. You gotta do something, man. You’re gonna die in here.’ So I turn into Tupac and now I’m ripping my shirt off and doing push-ups like, ‘Don’t mess with me dawg.’ And the guy’s like, ‘What are you in here for?’And I’m like, ‘Cabaret.’”
It’s hard to tell if he’s looking at this with a sense of humor or is an insane delusional person who thinks he is a an urban survivalist and that Brad Pitt will bunk with him after Fury comes out.
I have some sympathy for Shia. Sometimes when you hit on your buddy’s girlfriend at the Christmas party you have to own up to your behavior and issue a heartfelt apology. The problem is this runs the risk of reminding people exactly what you did. The cockier bunch simply pretend it never happened, or when you bring up how they punched you in the dick they laugh as if you and everyone else was doing it with them. This is Shia’s strategy. Who needs to beat themselves up when you’re already hungover and feel like shit? Nobody likes a downer. We like people who make shit happen, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 10:21 AM
The difference between the loons and the drunks is always revealed at court dates. The loons still look fucking crazy heading into court. The lushes clean up nice for the judge. Shia LaBeouf looked pretty damn dapper as he faced the court to explain why he was harassing the homeless and disrupting an off-Broadway run of Cabaret last month. I’m sure he said something like, I was super fucking drunk, now I’m getting help, it’ll never happen again. The judge knows there’s a 98% likelihood that the help won’t hold, but we don’t white people with legal teams to prison, so expect 100 hours of Shia teaching school children how drinking doesn’t make you less of an asshole.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News