Shia LaBeouf Gets Pissed And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 27, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Human butt polyp Shia LaBeouf was spotted yelling and getting physical with his girlfriend Mia Goth in Germany. The argument seemed to revolve around her taking his backpack. He later said he would have, “killed her” if he had stayed around, which is both frightening and a clear over-estimation of his ability to fight women.

Read all about how not scary this ass munch is. (The Superficial)

Hey, wanna see Micaela Schafer’s tits? Well, you’re in luck! (Egotastic All-Stars)

Evil fucker Joe Jackson has a stroke. Thank you, Jesus! (TMZ)

Spelman College cuts ties with noted rapist Bill Cosby. (Dlisted)

Lais Ribeiro’s spread in GQ South Africa will set your crotch on fire. (COED)

Do you like thigh gaps? Good. (The Chive)

Danica Patrick does yoga on a boat. (Busted Coverage)

Shia LaBeouf Ruins America And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 30, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Shia LaBeouf once again shamed our nation by acting like a self-absorbed thicket of dick cheese at Mt. Rushmore. He ran around and screamed like a dildo about America in a sarcastic way. I hope the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt skull fucks him to death.

Watch Shia do what he does. (TMZ)

Ashley Greene was sporting an itty bitty bikini in Staten Island. (Egotastic)

Iggy Azalea and Britney Spears have a Twitter bitch fight. (Huffington Post)

Christina Milian wears a pair of see-through pants. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hailey Clauson, no bra, big ‘ol titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

Dakota Fanning’s pasty flesh just made me gay. (Popoholic)

Titties of all sizes just for you! (The Chive)

Shia Gets Head Trauma And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 24, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Public embarrassment Shia LaBeouf had to be rushed to the hospital after getting a massive head wound on set. It’s unclear what happened other than everybody who has ever met him was wishing for it.

Read all about Shia’s latest fuck up. (TMZ)

Want to see Nicole Scherzinger’s squirrel covers? (Egotastic)

Lady Gaga goes out and about in just a bra because why the fuck not. (Huffington Post)

Taraji P. Henson shows off her nip. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chloe Grace Moretz panty flash made my day. (Hollywood Tuna)

Watch the Houston Rockets’ power dancers bounce around. (Busted Coverage)

Man, I’d give Bella Thorne the best three minutes of her life. (Popoholic)

Girls showing off their asses is a very good thing. (The Chive)

Sia Issues Apology For Her Shia Dance Raping Girl Video

By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

Sia apologized to people who thought her video featuring Shia LaBeouf and a twelve year old chick groping each other was laden with enough pedophiliac content to make the entire sex offender registry collectively cum. I’m not saying it definitely constitutes child porn, but if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable as fuck you’re most definitely a pedophile and probably deserve to be drowned with the other witches. Maddie Ziegler’s mom approved of the video, which is so icky it even weirded out some other Dance Moms who are all horrible fucking parents:

“I nearly threw up… I am flabbergasted Melissa would go to the levels she is going to get her daughter famous.”

Granted, these dance moms are filled almost entirely with jealousy and marbled fudge. Don’t think any one of them wouldn’t order their little girls to grind Shia LaBeouf in the champagne room if it meant a background part on a Nick Jr. sitcom. Sia remained mute which is normally a good thing but finally issued an apology via Twitter:

“I anticipated some ‘pedophelia!!!’ Cries for this video. All I can say is Maddie and Shia are two of the only actors I felt could play… These two warring ‘sia’ self states…I apologize to those who feel triggered by My intention was to create some emotional content, not to upset anybody.”

‘Triggered’ sounds like one of those words where you’re apologizing but mostly blaming the other person. I’m sorry I ‘triggered’ your anger after I kicked you in the nuts, asshole. If you’re anticipating the vast majority of viewers to feel your material is pedophilia, maybe go back to the drawing board. Of course there’s always the possibility you knew you were pushing the pedo envelope in a ploy to garner attention for your shitty song since that worked last time.

Fucking with your audience is fine when you’re teasing me with a nipple. Not so much with a felony. My odds LaBeouf ends up in prison at some point are pretty high. I don’t think he’s into little girls, I just think he’s an asshole who will someday shoot the UPS delivery guy for being a sellout. Somebody needs to sit both of these ‘sia’ self states down and slap them with pictures of starving people collecting dung for dinner in Mumbai. This video is entirely the byproduct of adults telling children they’re special. Unless they’re starting fires with their minds, that shit needs to stop now.

Shia Labeouf Makes A Little Girl Sniff His Fingers (VIDEO)

By Lex January 07, 2015 @ 11:42 AM

Shia Labeouf Makes A Little Girl Sniff His Fingers In New Sia Video
There’s art. And then there’s art where Shia LaBeouf is in a cage in nothing but a loin cloth making some girl sniff his fingers. That’s the kind of art where people get arrested and even the most progressive minded free speechers say, yeah, that makes sense.

In Sia’s last video everybody watched because they love little girls acting like desperately drunken motel whores, Maddie Ziegler proved the power of dance. That is the power to turn the oppression of half naked young girls into something culturally worthy. For round two, she’d added Shia LaBeouf presumably as the ‘dad’ to the girl who is now trapped in a cage. That’s a metaphor in case your ears haven’t stopped ringing from being beat over the head with it yet. She can get out of the cage. Shia can’t. That means something important to famous people who spend almost all their time thinking about their horrible plight. To the rest of us, it’s just exhibit A in the lawsuit this girl eventually files against her parents, Sia, Shia, and hopefully one or two women’s studies programs just for kickers.

Photo Credit: Youtube

Shia LaBeouf Raped in a Forest, Nobody Heard

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 11:52 AM

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Shia LaBeouf version 2014 was particularly douchey. You may recall a performance art piece where he sat alone in a room in studio in Los Angeles wearing a paper bag over his head with the slogan ‘I’m not famous anymore’ while individuals berated him with various random objects on a table between them. This contrived performance reeked so heavily of morose Scandinavian foreplay, that one woman decided to just go for it, strip off his pants and start banging him while he sat there motionless. Shia nonchalantly revealed his shame to Dazed magazine:

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for 10 minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me.

When you put a bag over your face, tell people to do whatever they want with you, then not say anything when a whack chick peels off your pants and mounts you on a chair, that’s not actually rape. That’s just lucky, minus the street STDs. Eventually, the show organizers came in and shooed the girl off Shia’s dick because she threatened the integrity of their message, which was ‘Where lies a public figure’s true self in the post-Internet age?’. I don’t know, raping Shia LaBeouf sounds more interesting than that art school nonsense.

Shia seemed particularly nonplussed by the incident, even when his girlfriend got wind of the sexual non-assault and came running into the room:

When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.

Unexplained silent trauma. How delicious. I’m guessing most people’s girlfriends would be less silent if they found their boyfriend with a bag over his head and some skank riding his dick at an art exhibit. Being the girlfriend of a serious artist requires some level of disconnect from normal relationship expectations. Still, I hope she shoved the various implements up his ass, and not in the pre-lubricated manner to which he’s typically accustomed.

Photo credit: Splash News