Shia LaBeouf Is Crazy Talented

By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:02 AM

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Shia LaBeouf claimed his drunken buffoonery was caused by his acting research and not the fact that he’s incredibly prone to being a douchebag. It’s hard to come to grips with being a Teen Beat boy slut. Some deal with this validated self loathing through drugs or suicide. LaBeouf has decided to prove his doubters wrong and become a Playgirl centerfold doing a bad Brando. Hemingway would blush but Cory Feldman is probably jealous. He describes pissing off Alec Baldwin during a shoot as the type of shit hardcore actors and not annoying assholes do:

“Alec and I butted heads hard. I was sleeping in the park . . . At the time, I was out of my mind.”

I wonder if he bunked with Miley’s unemployed male model ward who was also sleeping in the park. This park sure sounds like fun to me. Low grade heroin and blow jobs from trannies with The AIDS is Disneyland for the deeply self-loathing. LaBeouf’s plans following his next string of cuntiness are to do a lot of rhino hunting from a T Top Camaro while drinking aged bourbon. He won’t be happy until he’s died in some terrifically pointless masculine manner. Neither will we.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Shia LaBeouf Keeps It Light (VIDEO)

By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Shia LaBeouf went on Jimmy Kimmel and discussed his twenty-four hour stint in solitary confinement for being a raging drunken asshole.

“I get to the station and I quickly realize, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not made for this set up…So I’m like, ‘You gotta do something. You gotta do something, man. You’re gonna die in here.’ So I turn into Tupac and now I’m ripping my shirt off and doing push-ups like, ‘Don’t mess with me dawg.’ And the guy’s like, ‘What are you in here for?’And I’m like, ‘Cabaret.’”

It’s hard to tell if he’s looking at this with a sense of humor or is an insane delusional person who thinks he is a an urban survivalist and that Brad Pitt will bunk with him after Fury comes out.

I have some sympathy for Shia. Sometimes when you hit on your buddy’s girlfriend at the Christmas party you have to own up to your behavior and issue a heartfelt apology. The problem is this runs the risk of reminding people exactly what you did. The cockier bunch simply pretend it never happened, or when you bring up how they punched you in the dick they laugh as if you and everyone else was doing it with them. This is Shia’s strategy. Who needs to beat themselves up when you’re already hungover and feel like shit? Nobody likes a downer. We like people who make shit happen, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.

Shia LeBeouf Looks Less Drunk

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 10:21 AM

Shia LeBeouf Heads To Court In New York
The difference between the loons and the drunks is always revealed at court dates. The loons still look fucking crazy heading into court. The lushes clean up nice for the judge. Shia LaBeouf looked pretty damn dapper as he faced the court to explain why he was harassing the homeless and disrupting an off-Broadway run of Cabaret last month. I’m sure he said something like, I was super fucking drunk, now I’m getting help, it’ll never happen again. The judge knows there’s a 98% likelihood that the help won’t hold, but we don’t white people with legal teams to prison, so expect 100 hours of Shia teaching school children how drinking doesn’t make you less of an asshole.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Shia LaBeouf In Rehab And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 02, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

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Shia LaBeouf might have checked himself into rehab only we aren’t calling it rehab. We’re calling it “care and treatment for alcohol addiction”. He has a lot to ponder while in treatment for alcohol addiction, like all the people he has hurt with his drinking, the trust issues he’s created, and how his annoying punk mug put the nail in the coffin of the Indiana Jones movie franchise.

Read more about Shia’s twelve steps to being less of s douchenozzle. (The Superficial)

Hermione has the U.K. INS  on her ass for employing foreign servants. (The Huffington Post)

Sarah Hyland still looks like a high school girl, but she’s 23 and in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Wu-Tang associate rapper who cut off his dick now wants to do porn. (Dlisted)

Football player Warren Sapp stiffs a waiter and acts like a little bitch. (Deadspin)

Nicole Scherzinger had a problem with puking up her food. You don’t fucking say? (Fox News)

(Photo Via Fox News)

Shia LeBeouf Part Beouf: It Gets Worse

By Matt June 27, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

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Shia LeBeouf was apparently trying to steal food from a homeless guy hours before he was arrested for being a drunk and disorderly asshole at Studio 54. In the coming weeks LeBeouf will announce he’s going to rehab, but some behavior is just unforgivable. I don’t care if LeBeouf was on four hits of Avicii’s ecstasy and thought the McDonald’s bag was his soul and the fries were the demons he was charged with exorcising. Stealing food from a homeless guy is right up there with punching a baby if you’re making a list of shit that only comic book villains do. Getting juiced doesn’t cause you to do things out of character, it causes you to do things precisely on character. Mel Gibson hates the Jews. He contains it when he’s sober. Clearly LeBeouf has some deep seeded desire to destroy humanity, possibly something he picked up from his time with Megatron. Shia’s window for sympathy closed up several years ago. He’s in Lohan territory. Strangers will start showing up to hearings asking that his probation be denied just because they own pets or children or used bookstores in the area. If you have LaBeouf stock, now would be the time to sell. Well, yesterday technically.

Photo credit: Splash News

Shia LaBeouf Arrested! Exclamation Point!

By Lex June 27, 2014 @ 8:33 AM

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It’s hard to imagine Shia LaBeouf in tears without a woman or prepubescent boy child striking him first. But it’s true. On the night that he had to witness the acting mannequin Mark Wahlberg replace him in the latest Transformers installment, LaBeouf visited a legit performance of Cabaret at Studio 54 where he smoked, made disruptive comments, and refused to leave when asked. When the N.Y.P.D.  arrived on scene dangling handcuffs, Shia summoned the rage of his ancestors and his martial arts training and began to cry.

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You know how sympathetic the New York police can be. They allowed Shia five minutes before they beat him with rubber truncheons wrapped in sanitary pads so as to leave no marks. Shia was taken to the 18th precinct for booking on charges of criminal trespass, disorderly conduct, and crying like a fucking pussy. Remember when we decided that it wasn’t worth discussing whether Shia was running some obnoxious performance art shtick or he really was a total feckless moron? Maybe you missed that meeting, but it was fucking lively.