Shia LaBeouf Raped in a Forest, Nobody Heard

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 11:52 AM

Shia-LaBeouf-Grabs-Coffee

Shia LaBeouf version 2014 was particularly douchey. You may recall a performance art piece where he sat alone in a room in studio in Los Angeles wearing a paper bag over his head with the slogan ‘I’m not famous anymore’ while individuals berated him with various random objects on a table between them. This contrived performance reeked so heavily of morose Scandinavian foreplay, that one woman decided to just go for it, strip off his pants and start banging him while he sat there motionless. Shia nonchalantly revealed his shame to Dazed magazine:

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for 10 minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me.

When you put a bag over your face, tell people to do whatever they want with you, then not say anything when a whack chick peels off your pants and mounts you on a chair, that’s not actually rape. That’s just lucky, minus the street STDs. Eventually, the show organizers came in and shooed the girl off Shia’s dick because she threatened the integrity of their message, which was ‘Where lies a public figure’s true self in the post-Internet age?’. I don’t know, raping Shia LaBeouf sounds more interesting than that art school nonsense.

Shia seemed particularly nonplussed by the incident, even when his girlfriend got wind of the sexual non-assault and came running into the room:

When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.

Unexplained silent trauma. How delicious. I’m guessing most people’s girlfriends would be less silent if they found their boyfriend with a bag over his head and some skank riding his dick at an art exhibit. Being the girlfriend of a serious artist requires some level of disconnect from normal relationship expectations. Still, I hope she shoved the various implements up his ass, and not in the pre-lubricated manner to which he’s typically accustomed.

Photo credit: Splash News

Shia LaBeouf Is Crazy Talented

By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 7:02 AM

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Shia LaBeouf claimed his drunken buffoonery was caused by his acting research and not the fact that he’s incredibly prone to being a douchebag. It’s hard to come to grips with being a Teen Beat boy slut. Some deal with this validated self loathing through drugs or suicide. LaBeouf has decided to prove his doubters wrong and become a Playgirl centerfold doing a bad Brando. Hemingway would blush but Cory Feldman is probably jealous. He describes pissing off Alec Baldwin during a shoot as the type of shit hardcore actors and not annoying assholes do:

“Alec and I butted heads hard. I was sleeping in the park . . . At the time, I was out of my mind.”

I wonder if he bunked with Miley’s unemployed male model ward who was also sleeping in the park. This park sure sounds like fun to me. Low grade heroin and blow jobs from trannies with The AIDS is Disneyland for the deeply self-loathing. LaBeouf’s plans following his next string of cuntiness are to do a lot of rhino hunting from a T Top Camaro while drinking aged bourbon. He won’t be happy until he’s died in some terrifically pointless masculine manner. Neither will we.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Shia LaBeouf Keeps It Light (VIDEO)

By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Shia LaBeouf went on Jimmy Kimmel and discussed his twenty-four hour stint in solitary confinement for being a raging drunken asshole.

“I get to the station and I quickly realize, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not made for this set up…So I’m like, ‘You gotta do something. You gotta do something, man. You’re gonna die in here.’ So I turn into Tupac and now I’m ripping my shirt off and doing push-ups like, ‘Don’t mess with me dawg.’ And the guy’s like, ‘What are you in here for?’And I’m like, ‘Cabaret.’”

It’s hard to tell if he’s looking at this with a sense of humor or is an insane delusional person who thinks he is a an urban survivalist and that Brad Pitt will bunk with him after Fury comes out.

I have some sympathy for Shia. Sometimes when you hit on your buddy’s girlfriend at the Christmas party you have to own up to your behavior and issue a heartfelt apology. The problem is this runs the risk of reminding people exactly what you did. The cockier bunch simply pretend it never happened, or when you bring up how they punched you in the dick they laugh as if you and everyone else was doing it with them. This is Shia’s strategy. Who needs to beat themselves up when you’re already hungover and feel like shit? Nobody likes a downer. We like people who make shit happen, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.

Shia LeBeouf Looks Less Drunk

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 10:21 AM

Shia LeBeouf Heads To Court In New York
The difference between the loons and the drunks is always revealed at court dates. The loons still look fucking crazy heading into court. The lushes clean up nice for the judge. Shia LaBeouf looked pretty damn dapper as he faced the court to explain why he was harassing the homeless and disrupting an off-Broadway run of Cabaret last month. I’m sure he said something like, I was super fucking drunk, now I’m getting help, it’ll never happen again. The judge knows there’s a 98% likelihood that the help won’t hold, but we don’t white people with legal teams to prison, so expect 100 hours of Shia teaching school children how drinking doesn’t make you less of an asshole.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Shia LaBeouf In Rehab And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 02, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

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Shia LaBeouf might have checked himself into rehab only we aren’t calling it rehab. We’re calling it “care and treatment for alcohol addiction”. He has a lot to ponder while in treatment for alcohol addiction, like all the people he has hurt with his drinking, the trust issues he’s created, and how his annoying punk mug put the nail in the coffin of the Indiana Jones movie franchise.

Read more about Shia’s twelve steps to being less of s douchenozzle. (The Superficial)

Hermione has the U.K. INS  on her ass for employing foreign servants. (The Huffington Post)

Sarah Hyland still looks like a high school girl, but she’s 23 and in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Wu-Tang associate rapper who cut off his dick now wants to do porn. (Dlisted)

Football player Warren Sapp stiffs a waiter and acts like a little bitch. (Deadspin)

Nicole Scherzinger had a problem with puking up her food. You don’t fucking say? (Fox News)

(Photo Via Fox News)

Shia LeBeouf Part Beouf: It Gets Worse

By Matt June 27, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

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Shia LeBeouf was apparently trying to steal food from a homeless guy hours before he was arrested for being a drunk and disorderly asshole at Studio 54. In the coming weeks LeBeouf will announce he’s going to rehab, but some behavior is just unforgivable. I don’t care if LeBeouf was on four hits of Avicii’s ecstasy and thought the McDonald’s bag was his soul and the fries were the demons he was charged with exorcising. Stealing food from a homeless guy is right up there with punching a baby if you’re making a list of shit that only comic book villains do. Getting juiced doesn’t cause you to do things out of character, it causes you to do things precisely on character. Mel Gibson hates the Jews. He contains it when he’s sober. Clearly LeBeouf has some deep seeded desire to destroy humanity, possibly something he picked up from his time with Megatron. Shia’s window for sympathy closed up several years ago. He’s in Lohan territory. Strangers will start showing up to hearings asking that his probation be denied just because they own pets or children or used bookstores in the area. If you have LaBeouf stock, now would be the time to sell. Well, yesterday technically.

Photo credit: Splash News