The Grammy’s Finally Stopped

By Lex February 09, 2015 @ 9:17 AM


There’s that moment when you realize you’re watching Madonna with the Alvin Ailey rejected applicants prancing behind her and you just want to brush your Chucky doll’s hair and forget about the world for a while. Fuck me, Grammy’s. You got me again. That aging grandma matador, that funky looking Australian rapper who looked like the queen in an albino chess set, and Taylor Swift who climbed to the top of the Staples Center roof and dared the biplanes to shoot her down. Somewhere in there they passed out all the awards to that sensitive British dude who who looks like the boy who rescues his cousin who didn’t get invited to the prom. Then handed Beck some ginormous trophy just to remind everybody Grammy voters simply still aren’t comfortable with black people winning the big awards. When this Sia chick showed up with the twelve year old girl who’s mom she paid to let her be raped by Shia LaBeouf I knew it was time to switch to Downton Abbey. It’s amazing what feels manly after an hour of the Grammy’s.


Photo credits: FameFlynet/Getty Images

Sia Issues Apology For Her Shia Dance Raping Girl Video

By Matt January 09, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

Sia apologized to people who thought her video featuring Shia LaBeouf and a twelve year old chick groping each other was laden with enough pedophiliac content to make the entire sex offender registry collectively cum. I’m not saying it definitely constitutes child porn, but if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable as fuck you’re most definitely a pedophile and probably deserve to be drowned with the other witches. Maddie Ziegler’s mom approved of the video, which is so icky it even weirded out some other Dance Moms who are all horrible fucking parents:

“I nearly threw up… I am flabbergasted Melissa would go to the levels she is going to get her daughter famous.”

Granted, these dance moms are filled almost entirely with jealousy and marbled fudge. Don’t think any one of them wouldn’t order their little girls to grind Shia LaBeouf in the champagne room if it meant a background part on a Nick Jr. sitcom. Sia remained mute which is normally a good thing but finally issued an apology via Twitter:

“I anticipated some ‘pedophelia!!!’ Cries for this video. All I can say is Maddie and Shia are two of the only actors I felt could play… These two warring ‘sia’ self states…I apologize to those who feel triggered by My intention was to create some emotional content, not to upset anybody.”

‘Triggered’ sounds like one of those words where you’re apologizing but mostly blaming the other person. I’m sorry I ‘triggered’ your anger after I kicked you in the nuts, asshole. If you’re anticipating the vast majority of viewers to feel your material is pedophilia, maybe go back to the drawing board. Of course there’s always the possibility you knew you were pushing the pedo envelope in a ploy to garner attention for your shitty song since that worked last time.

Fucking with your audience is fine when you’re teasing me with a nipple. Not so much with a felony. My odds LaBeouf ends up in prison at some point are pretty high. I don’t think he’s into little girls, I just think he’s an asshole who will someday shoot the UPS delivery guy for being a sellout. Somebody needs to sit both of these ‘sia’ self states down and slap them with pictures of starving people collecting dung for dinner in Mumbai. This video is entirely the byproduct of adults telling children they’re special. Unless they’re starting fires with their minds, that shit needs to stop now.

Minus the Child-Rapey Bits, Maddie Ziegler’s Future Is Bright (VIDEO)

By Lex May 13, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

You can’t go half-in and call yourself a stage mom. You can’t have your young daughter be half-cast or half-fondled or half-insane from the pressures of being a kid performer half-feeding the whole family. Dina Lohan knew this. Demi Lovato’s mom. Selena’s mom. Trish Cyrus. The two Coreys. Either you toss your kids into the rape pit or you go back to Florida and try to get your telemarketing call center hours back. Maddie Ziegler’s mom double downed by having her 11-year old dancing daughter starring in a reality show about pre-pubescent girls in leotards and, now, an Internet child sensation symbolizing the plight of a drunken whoring party girl in Sia’s new hit single, Chandelier. Who the fuck is Sia? That was my question too. She’s Australian and she uses the same auto-tuned modulation as Rihanna. That’s all I got. Six million people have watched her new uplifting ditty on YouTube in the past week:

Party girls don’t get hurt. Can’t feel anything, when will I learn? I push it down, push it down. I’m the one ‘for a good time call.’ Phone’s blowin’ up, they’re ringin’ my doorbell. one, two, three, one, two, three, drink. Throw em back, till I lose count.

And there’s Maddie naked and vulnerable trying to fend off imaginary hands tossing her around on the bed,or something resembling her last casting session for a Nick pilot. Everybody’s supposed to pretend this is art and dance and profound interpretation and therefore immune from pedo bear honey trolling. Perversion is in the eye of the pervert and other slogans reflexively recited at downtown art galleries and uptown NAMBLA meetings. The don’t judge art crowd will point out that Jodie Foster wasn’t all that much older when she brilliantly portrayed a street prostitute in Taxi Driver. Besides the drugs and the booze and the President getting shot, that didn’t turn out so bad. You’re doing the Lord’s work, Maddy’s Mom.