By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 1:44 PM
While you weren’t caring, Snooki ornately married the first dude who didn’t ask to finish on her tits. He’s a good solid something or other who accepts the fact Snooki looks radically altered from when they first met. I can see dramatic plastic surgery having a positive effect on a relationship. Whether you’re married to a great looking woman or a reality TV box troll that reeks of agar, at some point you want to wake up to a different face. You could cheat, but that’s messy, and she’s your meal ticket. You’ve already got the same STDs, why expand your viral collage. Just hit up the doctor with his chisel and acid bath and ask him to make your chick a new face every eighteen months. It’s mostly a reductive art, but at some point you can start packing putty and hay into that burp space and build out again.
Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet
By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 PM
Snooki already has some number of babies by some dude I thought she was already married to. I guess that never happened. With a new reality show for the mummified and brain dead, the production team has the nuptials keyed in for the season. Bachelorette parties for sliced-up former cast members of Jersey Shore always score well in the ratings. Especially when one of the cast ends up in tears and dislodges a reasonable portion of their soft clay face. Don’t let the kids watch or they’ll be wetting their beds until their thirty.
I couldn’t be happier for Snooki, but the offspring thing is only going to give us more work when it comes time to mop up the gene pool. If God wanted Snooki to have babies, he would’ve put her vagina more than six inches off the ground.
Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In what is probably the most important announcement that will be made this year, MTV star and living, breathing condom commercial Snooki revealed to her fans that she’s expecting a girl. We already knew that she was pregnant, obviously, but we didn’t know the gender and she could have been having another boy or her first daughter, or even a bottle of bronzer that possesses the world’s purest form of herpes. It’s great to see that Snooki was capable of producing a video that displayed the awkward and empty silence of excitement that we all feel about her breeding, but there are at least a few happy MTV execs who are hard at work on a new show called Toddler Sluts for 2016.
By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Now that she and her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, are expecting their second child, it’s time for Snooki to have a proper home for her growing family. She posted this photo of her under-construction dream home to Instagram, and just look at all the space that they’ll have to chase the children around at night before putting them to bed, and reading a bedtime story as a family. “Once upon a time,” Snooki will say with a motherly smile, “MTV gave us a shitload of money to behave like total assholes and embarrass not only ourselves, but an entire state, as we helped launch and promote the horrifying New Jersey culture of scumbags.” That money, she’d remind her beautiful children, was enough to buy their home, and they should continue to enjoy it as long as it lasts, because our guess is this fucking place will be foreclosed on by the time the paint above the guest bidet dries.
By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
MTV held its big Upfront event last night in New York City to announce that the network is still in the business of making of the worst and most morally reckless shows on television, which is why Snooki and JWoww seemed so proud to help announce that their show has been renewed for a fourth season. This is pretty big news for the best friends and stars of the Jersey Shore series, because they’re both pregnant right now and could probably use plenty of extra money. While this is JWoww’s first child, Snooki is already due to pop out hell spawn No. 2 in September, and these little pooping monsters cost a ton of money. Every penny that goes into buying diapers, baby food and new clothes means less for Jager and weed, so this MTV paycheck is basically keeping these two women out of poverty.
Photo Credit: Snooki’s Instagram
By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 2:39 PM
The Zero Population whackjobs have another strong case for sterilizing all humans as news came out that Snooki is once more pregnant with a short drunk baby. Though she’s keeping her fermenting brood under wraps, it seems Snooki’s acted as the fetid garden for baby daddy Jionni LaValle’s greasy seed for the second time now. The two already spawned a mythical creature of the dark named Lorenzo and are currently planning a Great Gatsby themed wedding. I’m guessing it’s based on the movie and not the book.