Snooki Announced That She’s Having A Snooki (VIDEO)

By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

In what is probably the most important announcement that will be made this year, MTV star and living, breathing condom commercial Snooki revealed to her fans that she’s expecting a girl. We already knew that she was pregnant, obviously, but we didn’t know the gender and she could have been having another boy or her first daughter, or even a bottle of bronzer that possesses the world’s purest form of herpes. It’s great to see that Snooki was capable of producing a video that displayed the awkward and empty silence of excitement that we all feel about her breeding, but there are at least a few happy MTV execs who are hard at work on a new show called Toddler Sluts for 2016.

Snooki’s Dream Home Is Going To Be So Big

By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Now that she and her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, are expecting their second child, it’s time for Snooki to have a proper home for her growing family. She posted this photo of her under-construction dream home to Instagram, and just look at all the space that they’ll have to chase the children around at night before putting them to bed, and reading a bedtime story as a family. “Once upon a time,” Snooki will say with a motherly smile, “MTV gave us a shitload of money to behave like total assholes and embarrass not only ourselves, but an entire state, as we helped launch and promote the horrifying New Jersey culture of scumbags.” That money, she’d remind her beautiful children, was enough to buy their home, and they should continue to enjoy it as long as it lasts, because our guess is this fucking place will be foreclosed on by the time the paint above the guest bidet dries.

What Is The Exact Opposite Of A MILF?

By Travis April 25, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

MTV held its big Upfront event last night in New York City to announce that the network is still in the business of making of the worst and most morally reckless shows on television, which is why Snooki and JWoww seemed so proud to help announce that their show has been renewed for a fourth season. This is pretty big news for the best friends and stars of the Jersey Shore series, because they’re both pregnant right now and could probably use plenty of extra money. While this is JWoww’s first child, Snooki is already due to pop out hell spawn No. 2 in September, and these little pooping monsters cost a ton of money. Every penny that goes into buying diapers, baby food and new clothes means less for Jager and weed, so this MTV paycheck is basically keeping these two women out of poverty.

Photo Credit: Snooki’s Instagram

Snookie Is More Fertile Than a Rat

By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 2:39 PM

The Zero Population whackjobs have another strong case for sterilizing all humans as news came out that Snooki is once more pregnant with a short drunk baby. Though she’s keeping her fermenting brood under wraps, it seems Snooki’s acted as the fetid garden for baby daddy Jionni LaValle’s greasy seed for the second time now. The two already spawned a mythical creature of the dark named Lorenzo and are currently planning a Great Gatsby themed wedding. I’m guessing it’s based on the movie and not the book.

Snooki Can Smell Booze In Her Tit Milk

By Jack December 18, 2013 @ 3:40 PM

What’s anatomically left of Original Snooki has given up alcohol after drinking so much she could smell the booze in her breast milk. There’s an image that will leave you not hungry for 72 hours. Snooki has tried to give up her dirty drunk whore ways and her original face since pushing out her womb weasel Lorenzo. But she occasionally still let loose like it was 2008 with her gal pals. All those years of living off a diet of tequila and cum took their toll. The consequences showed up in her milk jugs. She says,

“My milk was so full of alcohol, I could have used it to start a bonfire in the yard. I could have cleaned the toilet with it…These days, the only bottles I care about are full of formula or milk.”

Evocative. It’s true that drugs and alcohol can pass on to a baby through the mother’s milk. But come on, what fucking hope does this kid have anyhow? He’s going to grow up to be a fist-pumping Guido douche just like his parents. Why not start him out early on tit milk poppers and shots of Jaeger leche? You are only prolonging the inevitable. You can’t run from genetics.

Snooki Has Sex Toy Plans for Miley Cyrus

By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 1:22 PM

Snooki thinks that she and Miley Cyrus should be best friends and have the sluttiest Christmas ever. The pint-sized Guido came to Miley’s defense saying that she sees a lot of her gnarled trollish self in Miley. Snooki believes that the two clam carriers could really do some damage this holiday season, buying rubber dicks and sexually assaulting Santa:

“I feel like I would get her a lot of Christmas presents that involve vibrators, some sex toys, and go to a stripper store and buy really hot stripper outfits. Because she loves being naked, and I love seeing her naked because she’s hot…I would buy her some tight pleather pants and a spiky bra Madonna style. She could walk around like that. Maybe sit on Santa’s lap, give Santa a boner. She could twerk on Santa.”

I think these two hard partying shebangs hanging out is a great idea. In fact, I think their friendship should be made into an ABC Family Christmas film called “I Gave Santa Gonorrhea”.