Snookie Is More Fertile Than a Rat

By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 2:39 PM

The Zero Population whackjobs have another strong case for sterilizing all humans as news came out that Snooki is once more pregnant with a short drunk baby. Though she’s keeping her fermenting brood under wraps, it seems Snooki’s acted as the fetid garden for baby daddy Jionni LaValle’s greasy seed for the second time now. The two already spawned a mythical creature of the dark named Lorenzo and are currently planning a Great Gatsby themed wedding. I’m guessing it’s based on the movie and not the book.

Snooki Can Smell Booze In Her Tit Milk

By Jack December 18, 2013 @ 3:40 PM

What’s anatomically left of Original Snooki has given up alcohol after drinking so much she could smell the booze in her breast milk. There’s an image that will leave you not hungry for 72 hours. Snooki has tried to give up her dirty drunk whore ways and her original face since pushing out her womb weasel Lorenzo. But she occasionally still let loose like it was 2008 with her gal pals. All those years of living off a diet of tequila and cum took their toll. The consequences showed up in her milk jugs. She says,

“My milk was so full of alcohol, I could have used it to start a bonfire in the yard. I could have cleaned the toilet with it…These days, the only bottles I care about are full of formula or milk.”

Evocative. It’s true that drugs and alcohol can pass on to a baby through the mother’s milk. But come on, what fucking hope does this kid have anyhow? He’s going to grow up to be a fist-pumping Guido douche just like his parents. Why not start him out early on tit milk poppers and shots of Jaeger leche? You are only prolonging the inevitable. You can’t run from genetics.

Snooki Has Sex Toy Plans for Miley Cyrus

By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 1:22 PM

Snooki thinks that she and Miley Cyrus should be best friends and have the sluttiest Christmas ever. The pint-sized Guido came to Miley’s defense saying that she sees a lot of her gnarled trollish self in Miley. Snooki believes that the two clam carriers could really do some damage this holiday season, buying rubber dicks and sexually assaulting Santa:

“I feel like I would get her a lot of Christmas presents that involve vibrators, some sex toys, and go to a stripper store and buy really hot stripper outfits. Because she loves being naked, and I love seeing her naked because she’s hot…I would buy her some tight pleather pants and a spiky bra Madonna style. She could walk around like that. Maybe sit on Santa’s lap, give Santa a boner. She could twerk on Santa.”

I think these two hard partying shebangs hanging out is a great idea. In fact, I think their friendship should be made into an ABC Family Christmas film called “I Gave Santa Gonorrhea”.

Everybody Proud of Pauly D For Knocking Up a Cocktail Waitress

By Lex October 23, 2013 @ 9:25 AM

Pauly D just discovered he has a baby girl by way of a cocktail waitress he banged one night last year. Yeah, I know, he’s kind of proud too.

“I’m proud I’m a father. I am excited to embark on this new part of my life.”

And who wouldn’t be feeling like he just took home the Heisman after getting loaded and banging a baby into a bar waitress in an alley way. It’s a real thing. But the pride parade was only just beginning.

“Excited for my dear @DJPaulyD who is going to be an amazing father! Proud of you. xoxo Auntie Amanda.” — Pauly D’s publicist, Amanda K. Ruisi on Twitter

Even his publicist is proud. That’s a high bar. That Auntie Amanda bit is pretty fucking creepy. But publicists are naturally creepy sociopaths, so this falls in the range of normal. Plus, he pays her to lie.

Snooki was also super proud of Pauly D’s cold and lifeless statement to the press about finding out he has a kid. She was quick to congratulate her former castmate:

“Now Lorenzo has a girlfriend! Pauly will be an amazing father.”

No doubt. Just look how maturely Pauly demanded a DNA test when presented with the cooing baby. Or how he asked his one smart friend if time travel was possible so he could go back to earlier in the year and take this knocked up skeez horseback riding. If any dad is going to be amazing, it’s Pauly D.

Snooki’s Own Tits Disgust Her

By Lex September 20, 2013 @ 4:28 PM

Nicole Snooki Polizzi At The 2013 VMAs In Brooklyn
I’m not sure why Snooki picked just her tits, but apparently the little marmot is disgusted by her own boobs since giving birth to her first bastard baby last year.

My boobs are disgusting. My boobs are hanging, my boobs got so big. You can’t see now because I have a bra – I have a Victoria’s Secret Wonder Bra on – but when I don’t, they just sag and it’s like skin, so I am thinking of getting a boob job maybe … I want to feel confident with my boobies and I don’t.

Snooki shared her disturbing body musings with Bethenny Frankel because I guess women like watching TV shows about how much other women hate their tits too. I wouldn’t watch a show about men talking about how much they hate their hanging sacs, unless it had a hot female hostess I could imagine having sex with. The trump card. Bethenny comforted Snooki by sharing the fact that she had had her own boob job and a lift after having her baby, and just before the ugly end of her second one year marriage. That’s the thing about being a woman, no matter how insipid your problem, once you start sharing, you’re going to find support. Men just want to punch each other in the face for being fucking annoying. I can appreciate the subtle poetry in both.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Is God Trying to Smite Snooki?

By Lex September 16, 2013 @ 1:53 PM

Nicole Snooki Polizzi Arrives At Rehearsal For 'Dancing With The Stars' In Hollywood
First He sent a hurricane, then a conflagration, trying to strike down the little imp. Seaside Heights had to go, like a modern day Gomorrah, for it spawned the likes of Snooki and her short and sweaty cohorts that taught Italian Americans to hate themselves again. If the Old Testament big man full of brimstone now takes out the Dancing with the Stars set, fat women and gay men will take to riot in the streets. You haven’t seen a disturbing public tumult until you’ve seen a dozen nancy boys launch a BBW and her protein shake through the window of a Ross Dress for Less.

Photo Credit: Splash, WENN