I guess showing off your tits in Lebanon is not such a widely approved practice. At least not compared to the nationally approved hobbies of rubble rummaging and talking about how awesome Lebanon used to be. Lebanese Olympic skier Jackie Chamoun got hit with the old topless photos appearing at an inopportune time when a behind the scenes video of an old Austrian ski calendar shoot appeared online. I guess ski porn is big in Austria. But less approved by the folks in Jackie’s native Lebanon where the Country’s Sports Minister demanded an IOC investigation and fretted over how Lebanon’s reputation would be damaged in the world community. Yeah, dude, topless pictures of your country’s hottest chick is far more damaging than State Department warnings about how fucking dangerous your Hezbollah militia bombed out country is. In fact, any country with a Sports Minister has a high probability of being a shithole. For her part, Jackie Charmoun has only kindly asked people not to share her topless photos so she can focus on her upcoming ski race. But I think we all know that’s not going to happen.
First, Obama reached into his deep bag of awesome tricks and sent an airplane full of gay ambassadors to gay parachute onto the anti-gay Russian Olympics. Now Holland just threw the biggest gayest party ever for their openly gay speed skater who won the gold medal in the 3,000 meters. Ireen Wust, the Dutch dyke who ironically has never been fingered by a boy, is one of seven openly gay athletes in Sochi. Not to be confused with the dozens of not openly gay athletes in Sochi known as the male figure skating contingent. Russia sent a circus bear on a motorcycle after Ireen to intercept her before she could inspire a million butchy Russian girls to dive into a big pile of vagina after completing their own olympic vision quests. But Ireen was just too fucking fast on her skates. The bear was berated for his failure and Russia just got a little gayer.
Video clip: NBC, all rights reserved
Those tricky Russians didn’t lose the Cold War 55-0 without having a serious bit of strategery on their side. After a long con about how they don’t like the gays and they don’t want the gays talking to kids and how Moscow does not believe in queer tears, those cagey bastards open up their Winter Olympics with just about the gayest thing ever — a bunch of police officers singing Daft Punk. Militant Muslims laid down their toothpaste bombs and several hardened street dogs gave themselves up for euthanizing when they heard Get Lucky emanating from the Olympic arena constructed entirely out of toothpicks and peas. What a fucking Olympic moment. Greeks of yore ceased their sodomy in heaven to hear the discotheque tones and witness grumpy Russian mustaches trying to force smiles. Just to double down on the Russian-ness of the entire scene, the Olympic organizers illegally downloaded the song from a torrent site then informed everybody in the audience that their Paypal accounts had to be reactivated by following a link on the browsers located in their seatbacks.
My lack of humanity and black heart make me the last guy to play the role of alarmist, but I’m pretty sure that most everybody in Sochi is going to be wiped out by terrorists. First of all, it’s in Russia. Russians laugh at the U.S. when we say we’ve got terrorism problems here at home. Shit’s blowing up in Russia everyday. They are surrounded by states with a large majority of people dedicated to killing them. It would be like having the Canadian Prime Minister burning U.S. flags and talking about letting blood flow in the streets of Minnesota. As opposed to what he does now, which is trade maple syrup for access to our basic cable channels. Not that the Russians don’t deserve it. They’re Russians. They’re pretty fucking racist. They’ve also had the brilliant idea to host the Winter Olympics in a town smack dab in the middle of terrorism central. Right there along the Black Sea, just a grenade toss or two from Chechnya and Georgia and Armenia, and Tehran if they’re feeling missile frisky.
The main Chechen Islamic leader kook called the Sochi Olympics a “satanic dance on the bones of our ancestors.” That can’t be good. Then he asked his followers to blow up anything with the Olympics logo on it, or just anything with colorful rings or related to sports or anything that starts with the letter ‘O’ at all. He’s a strict dude.
The security threat is higher than it’s ever been in the history of the Olympic Games. In my opinion, it’s not a matter of whether there will be some incident, it’s just a matter of how bad it’s going to be. — Bill Rathburn, veteran Olympics security dude
That sounds rosy. I’m guessing Bill makes money scaring the shit out of people. But the Russians seems to believe him because they’re arresting the shit out of anybody and everybody who even looks funny around the Olympic games. They’re going to Stalingrad that entire Olympic Village; start eating the zoo animals and curlers if the siege goes on too long. On the bright side, this could be the first interesting Olympics in a while. No offense to pairs figure skating. It’s time to re-animate Jim McKay.