Have you seen this woman? Yeah, I know she’s blurry and pixelated and a generic looking Muslim woman. She may be the key to stopping dozens of biathletes (that’s athletes who compete in the biathlon, not the gay nesting puppets Obama is sending to Sochi) from being blown to pieces at the Winter Olympics. The Russians are so desperate to provide a secure Winter Olympics, they spent eleven seconds producing a likeness of this Dagestani terrorist leader widow to pass out to the press. Or are they really looking at all? First, I’m not so sure Dagestan is even a real place. It sounds like the made up homeland of a eye-patch wearing villain on a day time soap opera. Second, if a couple or three crazy ass Islamists take out the international dining hall in the Olympic village, won’t that merely give the Russians the political cover they need to go blow the shit out of every stan-nation along their Southern border? If they kill Lindsey Vonn, who won’t be down for a nuke or two in retaliation. I bet even passive fuckers like Norway would go thumbs up on carpet bombing of Kazakhstan if they lost a national hero cross country skier. You kill a British ice dancer, you can bet the RAF will start strafing mountain villages on their own. What does all this mean? I have no fucking clue. But I just reported ten different women in hijabs walking in and out of my local Target. Just in case. We can’t let Dagestan get the gold.