Sofia Vergara isn’t the most beautiful woman in Hollywood, nor is she the most talented actress on TV or in movies, or even on her own show. But she is still the highest paid actress on TV and that’s obviously because men can’t ever stop staring at her tits. Sofia could be facing life in prison because of video evidence that shows her butchering dozens of small children before lighting their bodies on fire, but I guarantee the judge would at least consider letting her off with a warning if he thought he had a chance to see her topless.
The Latin ladies seem to be far more self-aware than our homegrown actresses. Like Sofia Vergara. Knowing that her luxurious lifestyle is bought and paid for by her fabulous jugs. There’s no pretense about ‘the craft’ here. Just Sofia, flashing her moneymakers, and happy as a clam that her tits are worth millions. Why do I find that so refreshing? I’d say enlightenment but it’s probably just sexism.
The key to operating a good, entertaining Instagram account is balance. Take, for instance, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara, who just last week posted a picture of her perfectly-shaped, heavenly ass. This week, to make sure we weren’t bored, she posted some photos of her frolicking in her skimpy Kmart bikini top, thus completing the circle and keeping everything balanced.
Meanwhile, if Kmart was smart, every new commercial would just be Sofia doing random things, like bouncing on a trampoline or eating a banana or playfully experimenting with another woman in a hot tub. I’m willing to bet that might boost sales.
If Sofia Vergara is famous for anything, in a specific order, it would be:
1) Her giant tits.
2) Still her giant tits.
3) Modern Family.
4) Her giant tits again.
5) Any other acting that she’s done.
But now it seems she wants to get her fantastic ass into the pic, as she had no problem doing just that on Saturday, when she Tweeted the above image.
I think it would be pretty cool if a sex tape with Sofia leaked, not because I’d want to see her naked or having sex, but because I’m really curious to know what her voice sounds like during sex. But then, yes, if she really wanted me to, I’d watch her have sex. I’d even pretend to enjoy it just so she wouldn’t feel bad.
I always read these stories about how older married couples rediscover long since forgotten romantic photos of themselves and it reminds them of their young love. Just kidding. I don’t read. I saw that in a Cialis ad during a hockey game. But this seems like the kind of shit old married couples do when they’re not trying to poison each other for insurance payoffs.
And I can relate. Sometimes, I forget how much I want to bone Sofia Vergara until my dick falls off and God tells me I’m done. But then I see some sexy shit like Sofia’s 1998 calendar photoshoot and I remember how amazing the sex was on the honeymoon we never had. I just look at the restraining order from her attorneys and smile wistfully at the sunset like that dude in the Cialis ad who knows he’s about to do his 60-something wife something fierce.
(Yeah, I added the music. You hate it. Everybody hates everybody else’s music. Deal with it.)