When you’re the 126th top grossing film of the year, there’s going to be pressure to create a sequel. Even without the original writers, director, and at least half the cast, Spring Breakers will likely be getting a sequel. If you missed it the first time, it was another freaky pedo-leaning Harmony Korine art house film where his young wife got naked with a bunch of other topless girls in bikinis while really fucking annoying house music played throughout like Paris Hilton was DJing the score. He got James Franco riffing in the film, and Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson to swear and run around in bikinis and guns and almost show their tits, so it was worth a watch. But a sequel? This might taint the sanctity of the sequel that Hollywood holds dear, with only 95.7% of sequels either being completely unnecessary, sucking horrible, or both. Transformers excluded, naturally. We need the world to buy more fucking Dodges. Nevertheless, if Selena Gomez takes her top off, I’m in for twelve bucks. I know I’ll be disappointed, but at least I’ll have a honorable explanation for why I went.
Some dude in Italy decided to simultaneously tug one out while handicamming the fast-becoming infamous pool sex scene from Spring Breakers between Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and James Franco. The optimists believe that you can see more of Vanessa Hudgens in this sex scene than you’ve witnessed since she cell phone shot her own cooch several years ago now. Meh, between the shaky handheld shooting the shaky handheld and the Italian dubbing, I’m kind of lost in a sea of what looks like a lot of almost nudity. It mostly just reminds me of the first time I had sex with a larger girl, or more simply known as, the first time I had sex. There was lots of white skin and splashing and softly whispered foreign language looping and when it was over I didn’t feel as happy as pleased as I thought I would.
For more almost Vanessa Hudgens skin, check out her boobs almost falling out of her top backstage at Jimmy Kimmel last night.
This photo has been flying around the Internet something fierce over the weekend. You know what else flies around the Internet every single day? Complete and utter bullshit, on topics ranging from ‘secret Iranian nuke updates’ to ‘bear having sex with monkey — must see’. Ten years ago, my mom tuned into the Internet for a minute and declared that it was just a devil’s shitpit of lies and pornography, making her more prescient than any dude with a porkpie hat who wrote 5,000 word pieces for Wired at the time.
Combining the shitpit of lies and pornography, this purported photo from the set of Spring Breakers that 10,001 Tumblr accounts are now declaring to be Vanessa Hudgens snorting cocaine atop a topless Selena Gomez during shooting of the film. Even the dudes at 4Chan had a laugh at this, in between bouts of masturbating to the photo in their New Dehli-adjacent apartments.
Interview magazine is all about “conversations between some of the most creative minds from the worlds of fashion, art and entertainment”, but apparently no one gives a shit about that snooty nonsense because the May issue has the movie ‘Spring Breakers’ and pictures of Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez handcuffed in bikinis. Personally I’m devastated because I was hoping this issue would tell me what Kathy Griffin thinks about Vera Wang. Now I fear I may never know!