In Russia, You Punch Steven Seagal

By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 6:09 PM

The effeminate running fat karate actor Steven Seagal is making news this week and not because his heart exploded from running to the toilet after a five tin binge on Beefaroni. No, Steven has become latest American shill actor to be used in Russian propaganda against the United States. The state-run newspaper Smorgasbord or something like that ran with a few quotes from Seagal about Putin being one of the great living world leaders, though I guess only so-so when measured against the dead ones. Seagal called Obama a stupid head who ought to stop bitching about Crimea and said he’d love to maybe get himself Russian citizenship just like Gerard Depardieu, since both men are now at the stage when they are so engorged that they are pissing themselves on airplanes. Seagal’s pro-Russian shifting intellectual positions may or may not be related to his increasing need to find funding for his still ongoing fat guy karate films in the former Eastern Bloc. He’s also working with Putin as the spokesperson for a new national fitness program called ‘Ready for Labor and Defense’. That inspiring title makes you want to hit the treadmill and work off your blood sausage and vodka breakfast. What America will do with the loss of Steven Seagal remains to be seen. The slight down tick in our national diabetes rates should serve as some solace. Farewell, Dear Steven, you fat lummox Ninja fuck.

working for steven seagal is exciting, sexy

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 10:47 AM

steven-seagal-lawman-image-425

Steven Seagal is being sued by Kayden Nguyen, a 23-year-old model who claims Seagal hired her as a personal assistant through an ad on craigslist, but her only real job was to, “serve his strange and sometimes violent sexual desires”. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, Kayden. MSNBC says…

(After being hired) she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven.
On that first night, (he treated) Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says.
She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.”
The following morning, when she confronted Seagal herself, he told her there had been a “misunderstanding”; but hours later, he assaulted her a third time, an attack that stopped only when she ran away, according to the lawsuit.
The ordeal carried on for several days.
The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat.

Ah, the thrill of the hunt!

Still, I feel bad for Seagal. He probably didn’t even think this chick spoke English. So it had to be pretty awkward when he tried to rape her and it turns out she did. People laugh at me because I keep my sex slaves chained to a big rock. Well, who’s laughing now, my friend.