Down Goes Frazier

By Lex March 20, 2015 @ 12:56 PM

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Suge Knight finally stopped complaining about feeling feint in his court appearances today and actually went and feinted. A full collapse to the ground right after the judge accepted the prosecutor’s recommendation to set bail at $25 million in Knight’s ongoing running people over to death with a truck legal imbroglio. Seeing a large grown man fall to the floor can be disconcerting, until you realized how many times Knight’s walked away from being shot multiple times in the torso, head, and nutbag. Then it”s just kind of silly. Knight has been complaining of late how being locked in jail with no hot water or blanket and only occasional showers has led to his poor health. If he had more time to build his list he might’ve mentioned being old and fat and smoking the bones of his enemies ahead of infrequent showering.

In court Knight’s defense attorney accused the D.A. of acting like they were playing out an episode of the hit Fox show Empire in which famous black music producers and artists do all sorts of horrible things to each other. It didn’t make much sense, but Fox sent the attorney some Empire Season 1 DVDs and some XL t-shirts just the same. Everybody in this town is working for swag. With bail set so high, it seems likely Knight will continue to be kept in various hospital rooms and jail cells until it’s time to watch a whole bunch of people too old to be gangstas spinning stupid stories about being hateful and killing each other with monster trucks over beefs from the 80′s. Stop clogging up our courts, fat ass. I didn’t say that. Fuck, I’m going to feint.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Suge Knight Yearns to Be Free

By Matt March 13, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Suge Knight’s lawyer says he is not a flight risk and should be allowed to chill at home and make Nestle Toll House cookies during the period leading up to his murder trial. Knight would be willing to wear an electronic monitoring bracelet and also have his leg amputated or hold his case worker hostage. He would also willingly allow dozens of his sketchy career criminal friends to smuggle him Tracfones ideal for intimidating potential witnesses. Knight’s lawyer says it would be difficult for him to flee because he’s one of the most recognizable men in America which is why you always see him on Live with Kelly Ripa and in booking mugshots Delusional bullshit aside it would be hard for him to blend in anywhere besides the NFL seniors tour combine which is clearly an idea he’s already thought of. eBay some windbreakers. Stop using his parking spot.

Photo Credit: GettyImages 

Suge Knight Living On A Prayer

By Matt March 11, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

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Suge Knight is claiming self-defense in his murder trial where he purposefully slammed his truck at speed into a mortal human being. Footage of the event shows a guy apparently attacking Knight through the window so Knight high tails it in reverse and knocks the guy to the ground. At this fork in the road, Knight has two clear choices: put the car in drive and flee or put the car in drive and run over the attacker’s supposed cohort. He chose the latter and gunned it San Andreas style killing the shit out of Terry Carter. It is believed both truck damaged men were carrying guns, so Knight’s defense rests on the fact Carter could have shot him through the window if he’d simply tried to flee. As a man who has been shot 347 times, Suge Knight brings some experience to such matters.

Knight’s defense does not mention why he rolled up on his two adversaries in the first place, but it is widely believed he is a troublemaking psychopath who drinks the blood of his enemies through a crazy straw. His defense claims the video exonerates him by way of self-defense, the prosecution says it shows him running a guy over on purpose at full speed. Both could end up being true. Prison bars haven’t been able to hold him yet. Knight should definitely lose a point on his license and have to speak to kindergarten classes about the sound a person’s body make when you plow into it at 30 mph with a 5,000 lb. truck. Watch for the looks on the kids’ faces when Suge screams ‘Crunch!’.

Suge Knight Ailing

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

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Suge Knight told a judge he is going blind in prison because he doesn’t have access to proper medical care. He was taken to a hospital where he pocketed six scalpels and an elderly Jewish attorney from dialysis. Knight was previously hospitalized after having a panic attack, which is weird because the only treatment for a panic attack is to drink a bottle of Makers or not be in prison and neither of those things you can do while in prison. I might be naive but I think Knight is planning an escape. Get put into the AIDS ward and then make a run for it. Probably shouldn’t have shared the toothbrushes. Shit they’ve trained the rifles on me. Is this a good time to mention I suffer from fibromyalgia? Knight is most likely going to die in prison while suffering from heart palpitations. He always made all of us nervous. Now he’s doing it to himself.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Suge Knight Might’ve Just Killed Somebody

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 4:20 PM

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As somebody who almost took a journalism class once, I have to consider running with a story that Suge Knight just killed a dude in Compton. It certainly rings true, but is it really news? Suge Knight murders Hmong family of seven? Maybe. If he used his pinky fingers to finish off the babies. Angrily leaving the scene of an altercation and backing his car over a bystander? That won’t even make his dear diary entry for January 29.

Update: Suge Knight’s lawyer confirmed that his client did indeed run over an old dude with his car. I’m not exactly sure that’s how Suge Knight lawyering is supposed to go. Not even willing to try the race card or the picture of Suge in the Bahamas with two ladies time stamped to align with the car mauling? There must be fifty witnesses. Some small number of whom don’t mind the fact that Suge is going to murder them and everybody who owns a phonebook with their name in it when he gets out of prison next.

Photo credit: Splash News

Suge Knight Takes A Tumble

By Matt November 04, 2014 @ 8:59 AM

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Suge Knight passed out and fell down twice while in jail causing injury to himself because his head is giant and weighted down with thoughts of revenge. Knight is either unable to come up with $75,000 dollars in bail for his recent paparazzi camera stealing arrest or just wants you to think that so he can shank some inmate who didn’t cover the spread in Super Bowl XXVI. After being shot again at Chris Brown’s MTV Awards pre-party, Knight is on blood thinners because of an uncovered clot in his lung which may or may not be concentrated evil or an alien. He was apparently unable to take the meds in jail because so many people who work in the penal system want him to die really badly. Knight will most likely live to be hundreds of years old before expiring. Several millennium later his remains will be unearthed by James Cameron’s avatar and future humans will start disappearing once again in the music industry.