Suge Knight Might’ve Just Killed Somebody

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 4:20 PM


As somebody who almost took a journalism class once, I have to consider running with a story that Suge Knight just killed a dude in Compton. It certainly rings true, but is it really news? Suge Knight murders Hmong family of seven? Maybe. If he used his pinky fingers to finish off the babies. Angrily leaving the scene of an altercation and backing his car over a bystander? That won’t even make his dear diary entry for January 29.

Update: Suge Knight’s lawyer confirmed that his client did indeed run over an old dude with his car. I’m not exactly sure that’s how Suge Knight lawyering is supposed to go. Not even willing to try the race card or the picture of Suge in the Bahamas with two ladies time stamped to align with the car mauling? There must be fifty witnesses. Some small number of whom don’t mind the fact that Suge is going to murder them and everybody who owns a phonebook with their name in it when he gets out of prison next.

Photo credit: Splash News

Suge Knight Takes A Tumble

By Matt November 04, 2014 @ 8:59 AM


Suge Knight passed out and fell down twice while in jail causing injury to himself because his head is giant and weighted down with thoughts of revenge. Knight is either unable to come up with $75,000 dollars in bail for his recent paparazzi camera stealing arrest or just wants you to think that so he can shank some inmate who didn’t cover the spread in Super Bowl XXVI. After being shot again at Chris Brown’s MTV Awards pre-party, Knight is on blood thinners because of an uncovered clot in his lung which may or may not be concentrated evil or an alien. He was apparently unable to take the meds in jail because so many people who work in the penal system want him to die really badly. Knight will most likely live to be hundreds of years old before expiring. Several millennium later his remains will be unearthed by James Cameron’s avatar and future humans will start disappearing once again in the music industry.

Suge Knight And Katt Williams Partners In Crime

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 8:08 AM


Suge Knight and Katt Williams stole a female paparazzi’s camera in Beverly Hills because they are working on their Guinness Record rap sheet stats. It seems like taking a camera when it’s pointed in your face by a chick in recovery should have a legal exemption. Not the case, it’s still stealing. Knight was arrested in Vegas while Williams was arrested in court where he was already appearing for a separate charge and put into a special room for people they don’t know what to do with.

At this point it seems Knight wants to visit prison to order more gang hits and Williams is seeking arrest to garner material about how oppressed he is. When the two of them are together don’t make any plans. Knight hasn’t gone hours without a probable felony since he was kicked out of kindergarten for smuggling. Couple that with a crackhead who lacks impulse control and this is what happens. The photographer now lives in fear for her life:

“The thing I’m concerned about is my private information, because Suge Knight’s a dangerous person. Suge Knight’s a dangerous guy.”

Why? Because he likes to hang people out of windows and you can’t put him down him with earthly bullets? In that case you may want to avoid stalking him and harassing him with your janky pap antics. Alec Baldwin might call you a dyke faggot cunt but Suge Knight will have your legs broken along with the barista who over-foamed his latte earlier. Honestly, you’re probably already dead. I’d come to terms now with the irony of being a paparazzi who worries about an invasion of her privacy. Jesus is going to want to hear this one.

Suge Knight Could Go Out With A Bang

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 8:37 AM


Questionable sources claim Suge Knight may have been shot because he was seeking a tell all book deal. Knight apparently scored an advance for a similar book years ago but realized he would have to pull a drive by on his own home were it ever published. He never wrote the memoir but kept the publishing advance because fuck your credit score when you get shot at thrice yearly.

“[Suge Knight's book would] chronicle the inspirational story of Knight’s emergence from the streets of Compton, Calif., to become one of the most significant and controversial personalities in the music industry  and detail Knight’s take on the deaths of Tupac and Biggie Smalls, his friendship with John F Kennedy Jr… Incidents involving Snoop Dogg, Vanilla Ice, Dr Dre, Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lozpez, among others.”

I’d read that, even though I suspect he’d forget to mention any details of his five dozen felony offenses. The new date for the publication is probably well into the next millennia after he and generations of his cohorts and enemies have killed each other off, leaving the memoir to be sold in college book stores to trust fund kids with Knight’s poster on their dorm wall.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Suge Knight Takes All The Bullets, Chris Brown Gets None

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:03 AM

According to Chris Brown’s posse and a number of really stupid hot models, a trained killer opened fire at Brown during his pre-VMA party at the 1OAK Nightclub in L.A.. Brown employed his extraordinary dancing skills to narrowly avoid the bullets which subsequently hit Suge Knight who is too fat to dance. Even though Brown escaped any injuries, his polite social circle were quick to insist the shots were meant for Chris. It’s crazy to think anybody would actually be trying to shoot Suge Knight at a pre-VMA party, even though that same exact thing happened at Kanye’s pre-VMA party in 2005. Suge Knight just got all perturbed at being shot so he staggered out of the club with at least two slugs in his body and headed for his Bentley.

Chris Brown’s boys quickly huddled around Brown and serpentined him back to his brightly colored Lamborghini where he slowly drove away past his former party guests smiling like a man who seems super afraid somebody is trying to kill him.  When Brown got back to his crib and had time to digest the evening’s events, as well as some weed and pussy, he Tweeted out a plea for party common sense:


It’s a pretty common mistake to think your probation hearing judge said you should hang out with ex-cons and felons with guns and drugs and booze at late night raging parties. You should, you shouldn’t. They sound very similar. When Suge Knight wills those bullets out of his body, Chris Brown better hope he had nothing to do with this.