By Lex November 03, 2015 @ 7:22 AM
Halloween is supposed to be the happiest drunkest place on earth. But sometimes being young and beautiful and affording the expensive tampons just isn’t enough. Aw, Petunia, you’ve got yourself a case of the miserables. It was hard not to notice how many chicks looked absolutely miserable at the Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party. Jessica Alba, buck the fuck up, you’re a diaper billionaire with perfect tits. Suki Waterhouse, who the fuck sunk your battleship? You need to self-deport. The rest of you, the kitty cat, the fat one, I don’t know who you all are, but keep the battered wife faces at home. This is Halloween. Normal people are trying to get loaded and cop some cheap feels. Quit ruining everything.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 02, 2015 @ 8:56 AM
This voracious lesbian vampire is using commercial media to lure in her winding waiting line of snatches. She’s goddamn unstoppable. Guys love to say they’d be a lesbian if they were a chick because it sounds incredibly less gay on the back end of an opening of ‘if I were a woman’. As tough as you have it as a man finding women, imagine the playing field when only some relatively small percentage of chicks will even allow for girl girl love. You need to work that much harder and that much smarter. This model might look semi-lucid, but if she ever documented her methods, you’d see charts and formulae and Pareto curves and beakers bubbling with pheromone compounds beyond the comprehension of Harvard scientists. They walk among us. This chick is fingering all the good ones.
Photo Credit: Vogue/Yves Saint Laurent
By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 8:07 AM
British model Suki Waterhouse, who is 23 but can easily play teens, though not low enough for Bradley Cooper who just dumped her, threw a theme party for her and her friends where they dressed like characters from the 90′s film Clueless. Everyone needs an excuse to tribute a film that came out when they were two. Waterhouse likes to advertise herself as nubile. I’m sure the girl gang had a ton of fun explaining what they were doing to a plethora of dudes pretending to think this was a cool stunt and asking to see their tits. Up next is Honey Boo Boo night or perhaps Waterhouse and company will dress up like Japanese school girls and invite a bunch of millionaires over to watch them pillow fight. It’s not illegal if they’re only pretending to be underaged, at least not on my boat it’s not.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 10, 2015 @ 7:22 AM
This Delevingne chick is moving fast. We concede any more women to this carpet munching Nosferatu and there will be none left to dance around the maypole. Bradley Cooper, this is your barely legal girlfriend. Mick Jagger, inexplicably this is your daughter. Tainted for eternity by the love whose name we dare not speak. Delevingne’s stevedored more vagina grease this past week than most men garner in a lifetime. Decent men. Men who deserve the love of a good woman. The world got together and stopped Swedish pop quartets, I think we can end the Sapphic reign of terror of this scissor kissing 120-pound blue blood. Strap her in a Lecter mask before she licks another.
Photo credit: Vogue.com
By Matt January 08, 2015 @ 7:35 AM
Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend Suki Waterhouse is 22 years old but looks like a foster care tween who’s seen some things. Cooper is coming in at forty, so based on the numbers this isn’t atypical when the dude is loaded. When guys are accused of statutory rape they inevitably drop the “But she looked 18!” line. By that reasoning, I’d find it creepy if a forty year old dude was banging a chick of age who didn’t look it. Seems like you’re skating by on a technicality. There are no laws against dressing your chick up like a Catholic schoolgirl, nor should there be. I’m sure Waterhouse regales Cooper with stories of the time her and her girlfriends went to Dave and Busters and won the giant bunny rabbit. Or went to the beach and took boring Instagram photos. Cooper meanwhile does a fine job of pretending he’s not sticking his dick in every hostess he meets on the road. Maybe they’re a good match. If they make it another ten years the other women might even stop saying nasty things about her.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 11:29 AM
I’m pretty sure Bradley Cooper paid some desk clerk at the Hague to change this chick’s birth certificate to read eighteen so he won’t get flagged by Interpol. If you love young girls, that’s a trouble worth going to. You don’t want to end up as a wanted man on the back of suspiciously non-refrigerated milk cartons. Bradley Cooper would not do well in prison. Suki Waterhouse is a professionally paid runway model, which means she has to be at least nine. I try not to judge. In 6th century Europe or 21st century Afghanistan she’d be more than old enough to marry and eventually produce children after her first bleed. I’m out of Bradley Cooper is banging a teen chick jokes. Insert your own.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine