By Matt June 02, 2015 @ 6:46 AM
Sylvester Stallone posted a photo with his 16 year old daughter Sistine who wants to be a model like how super advantaged children used to want to go to Harvard. Stallone seems like a loving father so I’m curious why he’d encourage this line of work. If you love your dog you don’t want to send it to Westminster to have its jaw measured and orifices prodded by an old British lady with cold hands. Stallone captioned his support via Hooked on Phonics:
Me with my daughter Sistine who wants to be a serious model. I believe you can do it. When my children were card which I’m grateful for.
Yes, I hope all your children were card and suck seed. The difference between a serious model and one who’s dabbling is based on how hot they are. It’s not like you’re out in the field plowing away at your double helix. Once you get the job you just have to stand there and look like you don’t give a damn. Remember that song, I’m a Little Teapot? Okay, now it’s for real. It’s getting to that point where you lose your soul in a Porta Potty which involves the heavy lifting. What is she going to do with that finger?
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 05, 2015 @ 6:08 AM
Sylvester Stallone will star in another Rambo movie and play Rocky Balboa once more in a spin-off movie due out in 2016. Rocky came out in 1976, making it forty years of Stallone playing the same character. It’s hard to knock him, either because he’s successful and has a hot model wife or the jokes about how he looks like the Mom from a bodega aren’t funny anymore. You have to admire his commitment to acting. Or to just to not coming up with any new ideas. Now that I think about it, a lot of successful people are just persistent and annoying.
Is the Rocky character really that engrossing? People were drinking beer with little triangular pull-tabs on the cans back in ’76. They didn’t know what was cool. Rambo’s entire personality is just that he kills Gooks. He’s like Mark Wahlberg with access to guns. Far as I know that war is over. I’ll probably see both movies on the one percentile chance they won’t both be hastily thrown together money grabs produced by the Emirates. Then I’ll do the same decades later when a ninety year old spry looking Sly reprises his role in Party at Kitty and Stud’s and jizzes his Viagra induced seed all over a chick with a perm for $5.99 on Youtube. Actually someone write up that script on a cocktail napkin. It would be hilarious and I’m almost sure he’ll do it. For the right price. Tell him this internet thing is really catching on.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt August 05, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Sylvester Stallone opened up about his dwindling male fan base while promoting Expendables 3. Stallone has seen the market for homoerotic bromance shrink in the past years as POV gay pornography has become readily available online. He is apparently confusing a general weariness of his monotone acting with a collective threat to masculinity, which is weird because he looks like Juliette Binoche.
“Men are very competitive, they go, ‘Who’s that? I’m sure he takes diuretic steroids, you know, he’s shorter than he looks’…It’s good to jump around but to get other men to like you, it’s very difficult. Men are kind of stand-offish that way.”
Stallone did not deny taking steroids because his face would have turned even more blush. He also has a pretty solid command of steroid terminology, suggesting a strong familiarity with the product, if not a licensed importer exporter. I have nothing against Stallone. Like all real men, I liked the first couple of Rocky movies and the first two Rambos. But I do have a hard time relating to him because at no point do I expect to become a sixty year old Italian woman with striated biceps.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Travis August 23, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Since Sylvester Stallone seems to love clinging to his 80s and 90s action star image as if his life depends on it, it makes sense that he’d at least consider producing and developing a TV show based on Rambo. But not only are Entertainment One and Nu Image developing the series – with or without Stallone – they’re also hoping that he’ll star as Rambo again, because that would be the only way that people would take this shit seriously.
Or maybe if Rambo goes around killing other TV shows’ characters, because those little fuckers from the Big Bang Theory have been begging for a slow, painful death for a few years now. I’d actually watch an episode if it involved one of those nerds having his skin peeled off by a 67-year old juiced up on growth hormones.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 12:19 PM
Taking a break from the hard day job of calling his buddies to be in the Expendables 3, Sylvester Stallone has taken his model wife and their three teen daughters to St. Tropez to act like they belong among the old money set. Doing shit like chugging brews and catching jellyfish off the back of his boat has them fitting right in. I’m only mentioning that shit as a poor excuse for showing off Sly’s teen girls in bikinis. It’d be inappropriate to bring them up without the jellyfish story first.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack August 08, 2013 @ 11:35 AM
Sylvester Stallone is talking mad action hero shit about his former Expendables castmate Bruce Willis. A couple of days ago it came out that Willis wouldn’t appear in Expendables 3 and he would be replaced by the walking corpse of what was Harrison Ford. There was speculation as to why Willis would quit as the franchise does pretty decent business. Apparently, it’s because Stallone, (who co-writes and produces the series), thinks Willis isn’t worth the money. Sly tweeted:
“WILLIS OUT… HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!! GREEDY AND LAZY …… A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE.”
And in all caps too, so you know it’s serious! We can infer that the greedy part is that Willis wanted more money and Stallone thought he didn’t deserve it. Now, I don’t know what went on in the sleazy backrooms of Hollywood that led to this decision, but I do know one thing: Stallone is no one to give career advice to Bruce Willis. Let’s face it, after the 80′s and before the first Expendables…Stallone was more MIA than those old soldiers John Rambo rescued in Rambo: First Blood 2. Willis has worked nonstop since his days flirting with Cybill Shepherd back when she was hot on Moonlighting. But Stallone certainly has things Willis doesn’t have, namely an Oscar, an ex-porn career, and his hair. So, there’s that.