You Can’t Beat Taco Bell Meat

By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 6:22 PM

The dumbest people in this world aren’t the Kardashians or V. Stiviano or gutless politicians or even the tenth grader in the corner trying to count to five on his fingers and starting with four. It’s people who work in marketing. Marketing executive is a title that just means you’re particularly unimaginative and weak in the frontal lobe. Once you hire marketing people, they will figure out something to do to fill their days. That something is almost always stupid. The marketing folks at Taco Bell came up with the genius idea of building out a big ole website page to assure you that their beef isn’t made from the combination of donkey rectum and loose tiny pebbles, you know, like it used to be.They pose inherently derogatory questions like, ‘Hey, isn’t your beef utter shit?’ then pretend to laugh and explain how it’s the same meat you get at Ruth’s Chris, only 99% cheaper thanks mainly to elfin magic and the high rate of cattle suicide on their suppliers farms. Here’s what marketing people don’t understand. People eat at Taco Bell because it’s cheap and salty and open and they’re high as fuck. There is no more complicated reason. Not because they care about nutritional facts, not because they’re web surfers with sophisticated interest in product positioning, and not because it’s on their gastronomic society bingo card list of must-dine restaurants. It’s because they’re high and they can pay with change. Here’s a little known fact. The marketing geniuses years ago at Taco Bell invented the really fucking popular chihuahua commercials. Everybody loved that Yo Quiero Taco Bell little shit. He became so universally popular that business declined at Taco Bell because all the fucking stoners couldn’t stop thinking about eating dog meat when they drove their conversion vans up to the drive-thru. That marketing home-run almost crushed Taco Bell. Their big winner? The Doritos shell taco. Why? Because people love Doritos when they’re high. The entire reason Taco Bell business is booming is because legal and semi-legal and not so legal weed use is going through the roof.  Who the hell do you think is eating the Waffle Breakfast Taco? Nobody eats that sober.

This Waffle Is Really Pissing Me Off

By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 6:05 PM

It’s time for Mexicans to rise up in yet another futile and empty protest. Taco Bell has taken a centuries old complex cuisine, shit it out into pre-fabricated plastic molds, added spackle and minced termites, and called it Mexican food. We all stood by while Taco Bell raped Oaxaca with the walking diarrhetic called the chalupa, now, the waffle breakfast taco. That’s not a fucking taco. That’s a late-term Egg McMuffin abortion with a waffle that you bent in half. You’re not fooling anybody, you corporate marketing fucks.  Even the extremely fat comfort eaters are going to see through that one. I’m not even Mexican and I want to punch the President of Taco Bell with a surprise jab though the top of my sombrero. Pendejos.

Okay, So You Shouldn’t Expect That at Taco Bell

By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 10:26 AM

I guess because I go on rants about how nobody has the right to complain about anything that happens at obviously disgusting and shoddy fast food restaurants. Some smart ass sent in an email about this drive-thru operator at Taco Bell who was directing female patrons out of the drive-thru line so he could deliver food to their cars and grab a feel of their tits. Okay, so, that you should not expect at a Taco Bell. That some guy is licking your taco shells pre-serving and some other guy probably dropped a deuce in your beans, no right to bitch or sue. Being sexually assaulted by your drive-thru operator. Completely out of bounds. I’m not exactly sure how you punish a guy who is already a Taco Bell drive-thru operator. I guess you could just kick him forcefully in the nuts and make him keep working there.