Taylor Momsen’s music speaks to me. Especially that part where the naked girls start feeling each other up. I know Gwyneth Paltrow used to call Chris Martin a musical genius back when she was running the shower massager over her clit and pretending her juice bar barista was having his way with her, but Chris Martin never penned music involving naked girls mounting one another. Who’s the genius now? The answer might be none of the above.
I’m not sure why this Taylor Momsen chick keeps painting arrows on her tits but I’m going to go ahead and just guess that her music is awful. It took me a while to figure out why Miley Cyrus kept flashing her skank and why Rihanna will bust out her nipples for a rusty nickel. Aretha Franklin never needed to show your her cooch to sell a ticket, but if she threatened, you’d probably buy out a section. If anything in here suggests I’m not in favor of good looking women with limited talent showing off their tits to be popular, then you’ve misread me.
I’m not sure how old this Taylor Momsen girl is these days. Older than she was when she played Cindy Lou Who and hopefully older than eighteen. All I know is I love her music. I haven’t heard any yet, but just based on the fact she painted her naked body with the international sign for ‘check out my vagina’, I can tell she’s a rare song bird. Favor us with a ditty, Taylor. And uncross those legs so we can hear better.
You may recall that Taylor Momsen quit that show you never watched to make music you never listen to. And now it’s time to pay some damn attention to her, because you can see her ass on the album art for Going to Hell, her provocative new album. Provocative sounds like something you say about an album when it sucks. I know whenever they use it to describe women’s fashion, it’s always ugly. Provocative books are almost always a let down. And provocative women will ironically not go all the way on a first date. So I’m told. I’ve never actually dated higher than mildly comely.
Taylor Momsen is backsliding. A couple years ago she was flashing her duct tape covered tits in hot club venues across Europe, just barely eighteen, drinking, smoking, fondling other chicks onstage. She was looking like the poster child for fun shit you can do instead of going to college. Now Cindy Lou Who is barely flashing her midsection at a gig in Ft. Lauderdale. Soon it will be showing off her varicose vein scars at Bar Mitzvahs. You can’t work backwards on the naughty scale. Anything Farrah Abraham ever does onscreen without a dick in her butt will be boring. So too is Taylor Momsen being PG-rated on stage. Talk to the hand, Taylor, it’s very disappointed.
I was always partial to the Goth chicks back in high school. It was easy to pretend that they looked good behind all that dramatic makeup and if you were willing to whisper shit like, ‘I bet your parents would hate me,’ you had a pretty good shot at getting lucky. But after high school the whole Goth thing seemed kind of tired. Back a couple or three years when Taylor Momsen was the world’s most rebellious teenager, her whole dark brooding spoiled suburban girl thing totally worked. But now a couple months away from twenty, nobody wants to hear about how not getting a Beemer for your sweet sixteen is why you’ll always be the Woman in Black. Even the Dark Lord grows weary of your long face. So wipe off a pound of that makeup and maybe show us your tits? It’s time to enter the circle of adults.