Taylor Swift’s Grotesquely Large Hands Headed to Broadway

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 5:15 PM

Taylor Swift And Her Big Hands Out With Karlie Kloss In New York

I’m jumping the gun. Though influential fat film and now stage producer Harvey Weinstein has said he wants to create a Broadway show with Taylor Swift because he loves making money and people who pay to watch other people break into song on stage will sell their kids’ bone marrow for money to see Taylor Swift perform such magic. Upon news of Harvey’s desire, Taylor’s unusually long phalanges stretched another two centimeters as they do any time she receives praise or accolads. Just a few years ago Taylor had hands within two standard deviations of normal. But after so many honors, she now needs to wrap her Abdul-Jabbar fingers three times around her fret before she can finger a D chord. Within two more Adult Country Music Awards cycles she’ll be able to pluck coconuts from trees without a ladder and simultaneously choke three ex-boyfriends to death for not treating her like a twelve-year old girl. When future generations ask how the mutant wars got started, their disaffected high school teacher bots will hologram up an old jpeg of Taylor Swift using her right index finger to deep sea fish for halibut. It’s time to be scared.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Taylor Swift’s Stalker Will Have To Try Harder

By Travis March 26, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Taylor Swift recently scored a huge, relieving victory over her alleged stalker, Timothy Sweet, after a Los Angeles judge ordered him to stay at least 100 yards away from the singer for the next three years. Timothy reportedly believes that he and Taylor are married, and he has been sending her “terrifying emails” and posting scary messages about her on social media, even going as far as to threaten John Kerry’s life, because that’s just the kind of thing that you do when you’re out of your fucking mind enough to be in love with Taylor Swift. But it’s good to see the long-celebrated Los Angeles justice system really lay down the hammer on someone in serious need of psychiatric help by giving him a piece of paper that says he has to stay away. This certainly won’t end in an awesome cloud of bullets tearing him to pieces and Taylor’s darkest, most Grammy-nominated album yet.

Photo Credit: Getty

Taylor Swift Wears Short Shorts To The Gym In Beverly Hills

By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 11:12 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Short Shorts To The Gym In Beverly Hills

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Taylor Swift Takes Flying Very Seriously

By Travis February 13, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

While most people prefer to dress down when they fly, so they don’t have to worry about random, smelly and sweaty strangers sleeping and farting on them, Taylor Swift is still a delicate flower and must keep up her appearance as such at all times. She looked fresher than ever as she emerged from a flight at Los Angeles International yesterday, and she even seemed extra perky about her hectic traveling schedule in her tight black sweater. I think that Taylor gets a pretty bad rap from people most of the time because she doesn’t seem like she can relate to the common man, so maybe the solution to that is writing an entire album about how she likes to fuck in airplane bathrooms. Sounds like instant Grammy success to me.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Taylor Swift Is Rushed By A Fan Onstage In London

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 6:24 PM

Taylor Swift Is Rushed By A Fan Onstage In London
Taylor Swift is being praised this morning for how well she handled a troubled British boy’s rushing onto the stage at the O2 concert arena during her sold out show in London. Rather than scream into her microphone, ‘Somebody get this fat fucking British tard off of me!’, Taylor calmly spoke with the Lost Boy until Taylor’s preppy security squadron could remove the kid peacefully from the stage. The boy was returned without incident to his normal life as an awkward social pariah and Taylor Swift fan blogger.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

That One’s Married, Taylor Swift

By Travis January 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

It probably surprised no one that Bono and U2 won a Golden Globe for their song from Mandela, just weeks after the guy died, but it’s fun to pretend that Taylor Swift immediately found the lead singer at the Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after party on Sunday night to either give him a piece of her mind or try to date him. Taylor apparently partied her losing troubles away, as she danced with that Modern Family actress who looks like she’s 10 and some other girls, before she finally found the subject of her next album in Jared Leto. Did Taylor and Jared end up leaving the party together before having an hour’s worth of the most boring sex ever imagined? Probably, what am I, a fucking clairvoyant?

Photo Credits: Getty