I can only imagine the tingles in her perfect Barbie Doll labia Taylor Swift felt when she first heard Carly Simon’s boyfriend ripping classic, You’re So Vain. Carly Simon never revealed who the song was about but I think the common wisdom was James Taylor when he was young and had hair and just writing the first of a hundred songs that would all sound exactly the same. Taylor Swift’s dream was to duet on the song with Carly Simon herself. A dream she shared with her mindless teen girl minions on social media, allowing them to go extra crazy when she brought the real Carly Simon up on stage to gesticulate and mug and pretend to sing the song. Meanwhile, a few large gals in the background with real talent provided the actual vocals. It was really a great moment in male bashing. Taylor might still be tingling.
Taylor Swift may be a G-rated succubus spawn of the Dark Lord. But, as a man, I have the superpowers to look past her soul robbing merchandisable persona and think about what it might be like to knock around with her in her grandma getups. That could be a thing. Not a thing worth eternal damnation, but a thing.
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The most ruthless and heartless power in this world is young teen-aged girl music fans. They will cut your fucking heart out and lap up your blood as your fade from your mortal coils. Bieber fans are notorious for their online death threats of any woman associated with their teen lesbian idol. Taylor Swift fans are not far behind. You fuck with Swift, they fuck with you. They’re pubescent girls, they operate without logic or reason. Abercrombie & Fitch, retailer to these very same obnoxious suburban teens tried making a printed T-shirt with a small chide to Taylor Swift, the fairly innocuous imprint ‘#more boyfriends than t.s.’ I guess they ‘in touch with the demo’ marketing folks came up with that winner. But it backfired when the collective Swifties mob took it as a slam on their idol with the famous revolving door of unhappy boyfriends.
Taylor has over 20 million Twitter followers, and there’s so many people that literally cannot stand Abercrombie & Fitch and honestly, I don’t even care that the T-shirt is out of production. I will never shop at Abercrombie & Fitch again. I hope your business falls to the ground. — one angry Swifty on YouTube.
Okay angry mini-Hitler, let it all out. She was joined on social media and angry phone calls by a countless number of her sisters in Swift. The cheesy overpriced retailer was quick to respond on Twitter, standing their ground like true champs:
Hey #swifties we no longer sell the shirt. We <3 Taylor’s music and think she’s awesome
Now they just sound like overly apologetic creepy old library volunteers. It’s really hard to know who to root for in this spastic battle. The mindless teen girl mob or the crass desperate mall retailer that will say or do anything to sell their crap to these same girls. Meteor.
Of course I mean the doughy ginger on the right and not the other guy, who has built an empire out of tricking yokels into coughing up their money for a redneck routine that’s faker than Courtney Stodden’s tits. That guy on the right is singer Ed Sheeran, and if Us Weekly is telling the truth, he’s currently dating Selena Gomez after her 10 millionth split from delicate French prostitute Justin Bieber.
Us claims that Ed and Selena met through their mutual friend Taylor Swift, who also reportedly dated Sheeran during their current tour. If that’s true, it’s only a matter of time before Taylor writes an entire album about jealousy and betrayal, and maybe even falling into a rock crusher. She probably doesn’t have any experience in that last one, but it doesn’t mean we can’t encourage her to try it.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
The conspiracy theorists are freaking out this week with the convening of the Bilderberg group near London. The Bilderberg is some highly secretive private meeting of bankers and CEOs and politicians from the U.S. and Western European nations presumably putting forth complex strategies to save the world. Kind of like Marvel’s SHIELD except that they’re mostly fucking with the price of bulgur in Turkey and deciding the acceptable hedge heights for gated community homes in Orange County. I’m pretty sure this whole Bilderberg new world order nonsense is just a diversion from the real heinous event taking place just a few miles away where Taylor Swift was spotted leaving the home of Gwyneth Paltrow over the weekend. When I think of these two world class life-force drainers spending a couple hours in private conspiring to divide the world up into men they would hate fuck and men they would just hate, I shudder. And I do not shudder lightly. We can survive a bunch of cigar munching fat cats causing shortages in the world circuit board markets to make themselves thirty billion dollars richer. But if the men of this world are turned into foppish rounds of soggy cheese like Gwyneth’s husband, Gay Beethoven, we are doomed as a species. Ghost Protocol. Engage.
Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at last Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards, and then afterward she made that stupid face that she always makes when she pretends that she can’t believe people like her vanilla ice cream pop music so much. But now she makes it ironically, because she thinks it’s funny since we all make fun of her for it. Either way, she thinks her shit smells like a bouquet of flowers in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house.
That’s why she didn’t hold back in pretending to hold back when Access Hollywood asked her what she was whispering to Selena Gomez while Justin Bieber was being booed. “Ohhh, you do not want to know!” she said, according to Us Weekly, adding, “You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.” And I assume that means she was jealous that Justin won the Milestone Award and she didn’t, so all she wanted to do was go home and scissor Selena in peace.