Taylor Swift survived more scary shit that didn’t actually happen when some weisenheimer pulled the fire alarm at her Houston concert venue when it was announced Wiz Khalifa would be performing as a special guest. That shit doesn’t fly in Texas. Call it brain dead racism. It means less Wiz Khalifa.
Taylor did want all dullards Millennials raised on social media do during a time of alarm and crisis, she started filming herself during the arena evacuation. The center of the universe must be documented. Swift’s mom is heard in the background begging her daughter to put on some real clothes on before exiting the building because offering motherly advice a decade too late seemed appropriate. Keep trying, karma. You’re getting warmer.
(editor’s note: had to change the photo because the baby penis lip balm people got sensitive. Google Taylor Swift penis lip balm if you dare.)
Somebody at the polyethylene manufacturing planet in Guangdong played a trick on Taylor Swift by rotocasting her a lip balm in the shape of a baby penis. Watch America’s G-rated sweetheart rub baby penis all over her lips and coo about the benefits. Very funny, Fong. Taylor Swift isn’t just a super popular racist singer putting on a retarded high school teen act, she is America. You trick America into rubbing baby penis balm on its lips, you get the Pacific Fleet. Somebody tell the eleven hot girls in China to duck.
Taylor Swift is taking heat from people she will someday own as human pets for her Wildest Dream music video which depicts a romantic fantasy she has of Africa without any black people. Lake Victoria is lovely in the summer without the negroes to ruin it. Taylor Swift has a history of making music videos with an all white cast because white people are better dancers and more musically inclined. Numerous junior pop singers are jumping to Swift’s defense because she’s the cappo di tutti capi of the teen girl music market. Don’t come to Taylor Swift for a favor without having offered one yourself. Alli Simpson who is a real life Australian teenager and sister of somebody famous dug super deep:
Taylor Swift is like the most genuine girl and she just loves everybody for who they are and I don’t think she would ever have that thought. She wouldn’t even think about that.
Having once passed Taylor Swift backstage at an event, Simpson seems like the best character witness. I once caught sight of Jerry Sandusky on the sideline of a Penn State football game and his cock wasn’t forcibly planted into any boy rectum. I call bullshit. Nobody believes Taylor Swift is a racist because that would presume there’s something interesting about her. At worst she’s walking this earth in peace trying to leave a minimal carbon footprint, minus the fleet of jets. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Hire some black backup dancers before the inspection. This can be fixed.
America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift let out a big old fart on the air during the MTV broadcast of the VMAs. It seems she does share some normal human function. Though mostly just the farting, along with some jealousy, hatred, and vaginal dryness.
Nothing says pay no attention to the crappy music in the background like taped up, strung up, and largely revealed tits. Stop looking at my cold sores. Have you seen my tits? Last nights VMAs set a new record for tits. Singers showed off their tits. Actresses showed off their tits. Whatever Chrissy Teigen is showed off her tits. Britney Spears tits were so dominant hardly anybody noticed Kuato emerging from her knees. Who dies next on MTV? Nobody with tits if everything is running smoothly.
Taylor Swift’s world tour marketed to 12 year old chicks and incompetent fathers is basically a classier and less rapey version of one of those roofless celebrity watching vans that patrol the streets of Hollywood looking for discarded bakery items and a guy who looks like Jeff Daniels. Was that him? Or a dentist. Maybe it was Bill Pullman. Fuck it when is Disneyland I’ve got to blow half my salary to prove the kids love me. Even the fat one. To date Swift has paraded the following celebrity guests on stage with her: Selena Gomez, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Tedder, Ellen DeGeneres, Kobe Bryant, Natalie Maines, Lisa Kudrow, Uzo Aduba, Alanis Morisette, John Legend, Beck, St Vincent, Mary J Blige, Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, and Mark Hamill.
For perspective on how ridiculous this is, only Hamill was a joke. Clearly there’s a pecking order. When’s Indianapolis, let’s chopper in Emilio Estevez. We can’t get him? Howie Mandel. We can’t get him, Dave Thomas. He’s dead? Chris Kattan. Tell Springsteen we had to cancel, we just confirmed Eli Manning. Are you paying these people and how many of these songs have you rehearsed? Is this about the music or about sight gags for an otherwise unwatchable show? Will people remember any of your songs or is the water cooler talk purely LeBlanc? What the fuck is happening? Nice body type though.