By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 2:15 PM
Nothing really compares to the pure joy of watching a chick way too old to be a Taylor Swift fan crying because Taylor sent her $1900 to pay off her student loans. Right off the bat, if you’re burdened by $1900 in student loans that indicates ‘some junior college’. $1900 buys you three days at Harvard, and that’s without a tour of all the nearby spots where Mark Wahlberg used to club the foreign born. The out of work journalism majors from Syracuse are going to toss their $50k debt notes at you and laugh you out of their Occupy Wall Street reunions. Really, you couldn’t maybe find a way to raise $1900. I don’t know, maybe a job. Or suffocating a great aunt or something.
I blame mom for filming this. We live in an era when everybody wants their kids’ most base accomplishments splashed all over social media. You’re aware the LIKES might be coming with a muttering of ‘I feel sorry for Barb and her retard daughter’, but still, it’s adulation. In this instance, mom needs to assess the situation a tad bit deeper. This kind of legacy video content doesn’t go away. Let me see, do I want to hire you, Rebekah? I see here you’re an avid Taylor Swift fan who tweets saccharine praise and horrid poetry eighty-nine times a day. Also, oh, here’s you weeping like a baby child when Taylor’s PR firm sent you cash and gifts to shut the fuck up. Welcome to McDonald’s! Grab a plastic apron, I’d expect you’ll be here a while.
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:05 AM
It’s easy to denigrate Taylor Swift. It’s far harder to look deep into the soul of a young woman and see a maturing artist struggling to define her persona. I think. I was mostly looking at her tits. And wondering if she’s getting it on with that tall anorexic model chick she bunks with after workouts most evenings. Taylor obviously took the criticism from last year that she didn’t belong on a lingerie show runway by wearing some intimate apparel Angie Dickinson once donned in seventeen different movies in the 1960′s. She’s got a better body than most women, yet there remains something childish about her that keeps the pastor dad from 7th Heaven asking her if she wants a cookie and to help him make his magic wand grow. Next year I’d go with some crotchless panties and a Slayer concert tee. It’ll seem more natural.
Photo Credit: INF/Getty/AKM-GSI
By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:49 AM
Taylor Swift has reportedly blacklisted Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Hart from their annual Parade of hot chicks prancing around in stupid shit. This comes after Hart made some disparaging comments about her, according to an anonymous Insider who could easily be a bored coked up janitor who works for the venue:
“No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”
Swift lip synched a few numbers at last year’s display, and following her performance Hart was asked if she thought Swift had the talent to make it as a Victoria’s Secret girl:
“No… I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she’s great. But, I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
That might seem tame but represents the first complete sentence Hart has ever spoken. For Swift it must be rough. You’re used to being the hot chick all the gay guys fawn over and one night a year you’re the ugliest and most talented person in the room. Being hot and mostly useless outside of your renowned walking ability is a much better way of life. Hart underestimated Swift’s dark side. They always hate you because you’re beautiful.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:56 AM
I had to drink a lot to put down that show. I’m just glad Dick Clark is dead so he didn’t have to see the abomination his American Music Awards have remained. It’s a collection of the most popular music artists pretending they didn’t know they were going to be handed acrylic obelisks of Ra as part of the deal their agents negotiated for their show appearance. Fuck me, did I win? You are the greatest fans in the world. That was the show. There had been speculation over whether or not Jennifer Lopez and that albino rapper from Australia would show too much ass on stage but ABC covered it up with red striped spots that made it about as dirty as trying to watch free Skinemax back in the day through wavy lines.
If I were scoring this award show on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give it a good kick in the cunt and subtract eleven. That’s three hours of my life I can’t get back. Sorry, kids I read to in the homeless shelter.
By Jack November 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Katy Perry’s current fuck buddy Diplo says he is going to start a Kickstarter campaign to buy Taylor Swift a booty. He has a point. I’ve seen bigger rears on toddlers. He’s also a short-sighted ass. You don’t mock a woman’s behind until you’re absolutely certain you have no chance at it.
Won’t you spare a dime for Taylor’s ass? (The Superficial)
Miley Cyrus might be giving Patrick Schwarzenegger the clap. (TMZ)
Julianne Hough in a crop top? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)
Daniela Lopez Osorio in lingerie is what I live for. (Hollywood Tuna)
Is it just me or is Kristen Stewart starting to look like Snarf from Thundercats? (Popoholic)
Richard Simmons is depressed an missing. Who will I sweat to the oldies with now? (Dlisted)
Sports Illustrated released pics of Kate Upton in her early days. (COED)
By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 9:50 AM
Taylor Swift was declared the new Global Welcome Ambassador to New York City. It used to be pre-op Thai hookers in Times Square until Giuliani cleaned up that perfectly nice rat hole. Taylor has zero New York roots and just moved into her $20 million Tribeca condo last summer, but the tourism board knows a winning formula when they see it. Vacationers around the world love Taylor Swift. Swift dines and shits and throws pajama parties in your city, why not make her the face of Welcome to the Big Apple. With Ebola fears and failing schools and the ever-present threat of more Spike Lee movies, New York needs a reassuring happy shining beacon of hope. Taylor Swift, rise and take your place among the titans.
I thought Donald Trump would be pissed, but mostly it’s just Dee Snider who Taylor Swift could buy, stuff, and mount on her rumpus room wall if she was feeling cheeky.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI