By Travis June 20, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Of course I mean the doughy ginger on the right and not the other guy, who has built an empire out of tricking yokels into coughing up their money for a redneck routine that’s faker than Courtney Stodden’s tits. That guy on the right is singer Ed Sheeran, and if Us Weekly is telling the truth, he’s currently dating Selena Gomez after her 10 millionth split from delicate French prostitute Justin Bieber.
Us claims that Ed and Selena met through their mutual friend Taylor Swift, who also reportedly dated Sheeran during their current tour. If that’s true, it’s only a matter of time before Taylor writes an entire album about jealousy and betrayal, and maybe even falling into a rock crusher. She probably doesn’t have any experience in that last one, but it doesn’t mean we can’t encourage her to try it.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Lex June 10, 2013 @ 10:33 AM
The conspiracy theorists are freaking out this week with the convening of the Bilderberg group near London. The Bilderberg is some highly secretive private meeting of bankers and CEOs and politicians from the U.S. and Western European nations presumably putting forth complex strategies to save the world. Kind of like Marvel’s SHIELD except that they’re mostly fucking with the price of bulgur in Turkey and deciding the acceptable hedge heights for gated community homes in Orange County. I’m pretty sure this whole Bilderberg new world order nonsense is just a diversion from the real heinous event taking place just a few miles away where Taylor Swift was spotted leaving the home of Gwyneth Paltrow over the weekend. When I think of these two world class life-force drainers spending a couple hours in private conspiring to divide the world up into men they would hate fuck and men they would just hate, I shudder. And I do not shudder lightly. We can survive a bunch of cigar munching fat cats causing shortages in the world circuit board markets to make themselves thirty billion dollars richer. But if the men of this world are turned into foppish rounds of soggy cheese like Gwyneth’s husband, Gay Beethoven, we are doomed as a species. Ghost Protocol. Engage.
By Travis May 24, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at last Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards, and then afterward she made that stupid face that she always makes when she pretends that she can’t believe people like her vanilla ice cream pop music so much. But now she makes it ironically, because she thinks it’s funny since we all make fun of her for it. Either way, she thinks her shit smells like a bouquet of flowers in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house.
That’s why she didn’t hold back in pretending to hold back when Access Hollywood asked her what she was whispering to Selena Gomez while Justin Bieber was being booed. “Ohhh, you do not want to know!” she said, according to Us Weekly, adding, “You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.” And I assume that means she was jealous that Justin won the Milestone Award and she didn’t, so all she wanted to do was go home and scissor Selena in peace.
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By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 5:28 PM
Taylor Swift didn’t like when her girl buddy Selena Gomez embraced Justin Bieber in a kiss after the Billboard Awards, so she did what any bitchy jealous girlfriend would do. She stuck her tongue out in disgust. Wow, who to root for in a cat fight between Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. There’s the proverbial meteor to root for, but that never seems to materialize. I’d rather see them duke it out. Taylor has the height, weight, strength, and moxie advantage, while Bieber has runaway speed and a strong belief that Jesus walks beside him, well, a few paces back. I’d call it even. I’d love to see it get bloody. Slow internal bleeding where we get to watch waves of sobbing self-realization overcome them as the lifeforce drains from their bodies. But, that’s just the dream. I’d settle for the meteor.
By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 12:47 PM
How gentle the lamb Taylor Swift. A pure soul driven to the music by divine guidance, to the dilapidated toy piano where she penned her first song about boys trying to stick their dirty parts in her special place. Boys who would all eventually disappoint her one way or another, not understanding that real pleasure in life comes from expanding your shmata line into discount stores in China.
“When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he’s everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.”
― Taylor Swift
She’s like the first snowflake of winter.
Here’s Taylor in promotional shots for her Red World Concert Tour this summer. If you don’t see her this summer, you may never see her again. So plan accordingly.
By Travis April 01, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
According to the Sun’s super-secret sources, singer Taylor Swift is trying to snag an invite to one of Prince Harry’s parties when he makes his potentially-nude return to the U.S. in May. One of Harry’s parties will take place in Washington DC around the same time as Swift’s two shows at the Verizon Center, so naturally this means that the girl who dates everyone wants to make her next album about the Royal Redhead.
A source said: “Taylor’s desperate to get her name added on to the VIP lists of stars being lined up to meet Harry. She loves everything about him — especially his ginger hair and English accent.
“She’s dated JFK’s great nephew CONOR KENNEDY, who is considered American royalty, and Harry would be a massive step up from him.
“Taylor is also Harry’s type as he loves blondes.” (The Sun)
Swift is currently dating her tourmate Ed Sheehan, but that doesn’t mean shit because she’ll just have her security team roll him up in a giant rug and push him into an arena’s incinerator. Taylor’s real problem is that among the female celebrities already scheduled to meet Harry are Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens and Kate Upton.
Basically, unless Swift suddenly grows Double D breasts and a vagina made of velvet, you can bet that her next single is going to be called “Giant Tits and Wrist Slits”.
(Photo Credits: Getty)