Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.
Taylor Swift showed up to the American Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night to pretend that she’s still a country music star at an event packed with people who probably loathe and resent her crossover success. While she didn’t win any ACM awards, she might have received a few standing ovations from redneck perverts for wearing a dress that showed off her entire left leg. She also made friends with George Strait, who beat Taylor for Entertainer of the Year, and there’s a very good chance that they’re dating now. If anything, it’ll give her plenty of material for a new album, including the eventual hit single, “Sittin’ on Grandpa’s Stick Shift.”
Photo Credits: Getty
I’m jumping the gun. Though influential fat film and now stage producer Harvey Weinstein has said he wants to create a Broadway show with Taylor Swift because he loves making money and people who pay to watch other people break into song on stage will sell their kids’ bone marrow for money to see Taylor Swift perform such magic. Upon news of Harvey’s desire, Taylor’s unusually long phalanges stretched another two centimeters as they do any time she receives praise or accolads. Just a few years ago Taylor had hands within two standard deviations of normal. But after so many honors, she now needs to wrap her Abdul-Jabbar fingers three times around her fret before she can finger a D chord. Within two more Adult Country Music Awards cycles she’ll be able to pluck coconuts from trees without a ladder and simultaneously choke three ex-boyfriends to death for not treating her like a twelve-year old girl. When future generations ask how the mutant wars got started, their disaffected high school teacher bots will hologram up an old jpeg of Taylor Swift using her right index finger to deep sea fish for halibut. It’s time to be scared.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Taylor Swift recently scored a huge, relieving victory over her alleged stalker, Timothy Sweet, after a Los Angeles judge ordered him to stay at least 100 yards away from the singer for the next three years. Timothy reportedly believes that he and Taylor are married, and he has been sending her “terrifying emails” and posting scary messages about her on social media, even going as far as to threaten John Kerry’s life, because that’s just the kind of thing that you do when you’re out of your fucking mind enough to be in love with Taylor Swift. But it’s good to see the long-celebrated Los Angeles justice system really lay down the hammer on someone in serious need of psychiatric help by giving him a piece of paper that says he has to stay away. This certainly won’t end in an awesome cloud of bullets tearing him to pieces and Taylor’s darkest, most Grammy-nominated album yet.
Photo Credit: Getty
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
While most people prefer to dress down when they fly, so they don’t have to worry about random, smelly and sweaty strangers sleeping and farting on them, Taylor Swift is still a delicate flower and must keep up her appearance as such at all times. She looked fresher than ever as she emerged from a flight at Los Angeles International yesterday, and she even seemed extra perky about her hectic traveling schedule in her tight black sweater. I think that Taylor gets a pretty bad rap from people most of the time because she doesn’t seem like she can relate to the common man, so maybe the solution to that is writing an entire album about how she likes to fuck in airplane bathrooms. Sounds like instant Grammy success to me.
Photo Credits: WENN.com