Taylor Swift Is Out Of Her Mind

By Travis April 01, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

According to the Sun’s super-secret sources, singer Taylor Swift is trying to snag an invite to one of Prince Harry’s parties when he makes his potentially-nude return to the U.S. in May. One of Harry’s parties will take place in Washington DC around the same time as Swift’s two shows at the Verizon Center, so naturally this means that the girl who dates everyone wants to make her next album about the Royal Redhead.

A source said: “Taylor’s desperate to get her name added on to the VIP lists of stars being lined up to meet Harry. She loves everything about him — especially his ginger hair and English accent.

“She’s dated JFK’s great nephew CONOR KENNEDY, who is considered American royalty, and Harry would be a massive step up from him.

“Taylor is also Harry’s type as he loves blondes.” (The Sun)

Swift is currently dating her tourmate Ed Sheehan, but that doesn’t mean shit because she’ll just have her security team roll him up in a giant rug and push him into an arena’s incinerator. Taylor’s real problem is that among the female celebrities already scheduled to meet Harry are Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens and Kate Upton.

Basically, unless Swift suddenly grows Double D breasts and a vagina made of velvet, you can bet that her next single is going to be called “Giant Tits and Wrist Slits”.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Taylor Swift Bouncing for Virginity

By Lex March 18, 2013 @ 3:29 PM

Virgins bounce higher than people who dwell in the sins of the flesh. Also, people who are better than other people bounce higher. Also twits. All gain elevation beyond average human capabilities.

Taylor Swift hit the trampoline in downtown L.A. to shoot her latest music video about a girl who is troubled by a boy and writes a song about it. I’m just guessing that’s what it’s about. I bet I’m right. When you think of all the famous eligible young men in Hollywood that Taylor has not fucked, it’s a rather impressive list. She’s like a reverse David Spade. David Spade has little bounce.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Taylor Swift still acts like a 15 year old

By brendon February 11, 2013 @ 1:45 PM








It should go without saying that I didn’t watch Taylor Swift sing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” at the Grammys last night, so I’m just taking Us magazines word for it when they say she’s acting like the entire god damn world is her facebook page again…

…and (Swift) took a jab at her British ex (Harry Styles of the band ‘One Direction’).
“So he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ and I’m like, ‘I’m sorry, I’m busy opening up the Grammys,’” she deadpanned in the middle of her song, using a British accent at an obvious nod toward Styles. “And we’re never getting back together, like, ever.”

1. THEY BARELY EVEN DATED TO BEGIN WITH! It was more like they just hung out a few times for 6 weeks.

2. What the hell is the point of this song anyway? Because none of the guys she writes about ever try to get back together. Quite the opposite, in fact. They just run; they don’t even stop to tweet. They don’t hope to get back together just like they don’t wish the guy who hit them with his car would back over them too.

Tuesday Afternoon Headlines

By brendon January 15, 2013 @ 6:55 PM

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JESSICA SIMPSON – is in talks with NBC for a sitcom that “would feature Simpson playing a version of herself in a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style look at her life”. And it can’t possibly fail because improv is the perfect vehicle for this quick-witted legend of comedy. (tv guide)

RUSSELL CROWE – might be dating “burlesque goddess” Dita Von Teese, who has somehow totally escaped her past as a “spread-eagle girl having sex with a popsicle goddess”. For the record, it might not be the best idea in the world for a guy with his temper to date a girl who is super super pale.(page six)

BEN AFFLECK – will have a tough time winning the Oscar for Best Picture even though his movie ‘Argo’ just won the Golden Globe for Best Picture. His best bet is for lots of old voters to think they’re voting for ‘Fargo’. (huff post)

TAYLOR SWIFT – has a crush on Bradley Cooper, so she had Jennifer Lawrence ask Bradley if he wanted to go out with her. The response: “Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor.” So then Taylor asked, “What does he mean ‘no intention‘? So he really wants to date me but thinks you can’t plan love? Oh my gaad, why do guys always have to play these games, why can’t they just be honest!” (radar)

MICHELLE KEEGAN – is an English actress in the new issue of Zoo, and she’s in a bikini but who cares about that? What I wanna know is if her eyes are the same size, and what insect does her eyebrow look like? This magazine is really out of touch.

Taylor Swift takes defeat well

By brendon January 14, 2013 @ 6:04 PM

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Taylor Swift doesn’t only act like a petulant 15-year-old when writing songs, she does it when losing awards too, as you can see by her pouty smirk at the Golden Globes last night after her awful song for ‘the Hunger Games’ rightfully lost to Adeles much better song for ‘Skyfall’.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Adele piled on the disrespect like it was a topping at an ice cream bar by acting amazed and saying she had no idea she was gonna win. THAT’S TAYLORS GIMMICK! How dare this fat bitch steal from poor sweet wittle Taylor!

(image source = getty)

Taylor Swift got dumped because she’s “asexual and wouldn’t put out”

By brendon January 10, 2013 @ 6:39 PM

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This should have been obvious based on nothing but the awful, frumpy bikinis she always wears, but Taylor Swift is a boring prude. Seriously. Just look at that god damn picture. What’s drier, the sand or her vagina?

That was rhetorical but I bet Harry Styles of ‘One Direction’ would know, because that’s reportedly why he broke up with her.

(Styles) dumped Taylor Swift after growing tired of her “asexual” ways, Radar.com says.
“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a wh*re because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude.”

The good news for Taylor is that there are lots of guys who would love to spend the night with a pale and bony stiff who just lies there in bed. The bad news is that they’re necrophiliacs.