Taylor Swift Pulls Power Move

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:49 AM

Hart

Taylor Swift has reportedly blacklisted Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Hart from their annual Parade of hot chicks prancing around in stupid shit. This comes after Hart made some disparaging comments about her, according to an anonymous Insider who could easily be a bored coked up janitor who works for the venue:

“No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”

Swift lip synched a few numbers at last year’s display, and following her performance Hart was asked if she thought Swift had the talent to make it as a Victoria’s Secret girl:

“No… I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she’s great. But, I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”

That might seem tame but represents the first complete sentence Hart has ever spoken. For Swift it must be rough. You’re used to being the hot chick all the gay guys fawn over and one night a year you’re the ugliest and most talented person in the room. Being hot and mostly useless outside of your renowned walking ability is a much better way of life. Hart underestimated Swift’s dark side. They always hate you because you’re beautiful.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Wins All 27 American Music Awards

By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

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I had to drink a lot to put down that show. I’m just glad Dick Clark is dead so he didn’t have to see the abomination his American Music Awards have remained. It’s a collection of the most popular music artists pretending they didn’t know they were going to be handed acrylic obelisks of Ra as part of the deal their agents negotiated for their show appearance. Fuck me, did I win? You are the greatest fans in the world. That was the show. There had been speculation over whether or not Jennifer Lopez and that albino rapper from Australia would show too much ass on stage but ABC covered it up with red striped spots that made it about as dirty as trying to watch free Skinemax back in the day through wavy lines.

Jennifer-Lopez-and-Iggy-Azalea-at-the-AMA-Awards

If I were scoring this award show on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give it a good kick in the cunt and subtract eleven. That’s three hours of my life I can’t get back. Sorry, kids I read to in the homeless shelter.

Taylor Swift’s Lack Of Booty And Shit Around The Web

By Jack November 13, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Katy Perry’s current fuck buddy Diplo says he is going to start a Kickstarter campaign to buy Taylor Swift a booty. He has a point. I’ve seen bigger rears on toddlers. He’s also a short-sighted ass. You don’t mock a woman’s behind until you’re absolutely certain you have no chance at it.

Won’t you spare a dime for Taylor’s ass? (The Superficial)

Miley Cyrus might be giving Patrick Schwarzenegger the clap. (TMZ)

Julianne Hough in a crop top? Don’t mind if I do. (Drunken Stepfather)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in lingerie is what I live for. (Hollywood Tuna)

Is it just me or is Kristen Stewart starting to look like Snarf from Thundercats? (Popoholic)

Richard Simmons is depressed an missing. Who will I sweat to the oldies with now? (Dlisted)

Sports Illustrated released pics of Kate Upton in her early days. (COED)

Taylor Swift Gets Ambassador Nod

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 9:50 AM

Taylor Swift Shows Off Legs In Mini Dress While Heading To The Letterman Show
Taylor Swift was declared the new Global Welcome Ambassador to New York City. It used to be pre-op Thai hookers in Times Square until Giuliani cleaned up that perfectly nice rat hole. Taylor has zero New York roots and just moved into her $20 million Tribeca condo last summer, but the tourism board knows a winning formula when they see it. Vacationers around the world love Taylor Swift. Swift dines and shits and throws pajama parties in your city, why not make her the face of Welcome to the Big Apple. With Ebola fears and failing schools and the ever-present threat of more Spike Lee movies, New York needs a reassuring happy shining beacon of hope. Taylor Swift, rise and take your place among the titans.

I thought Donald Trump would be pissed, but mostly it’s just Dee Snider who Taylor Swift could buy, stuff, and mount on her rumpus room wall if she was feeling cheeky.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Shakes It All Off

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Bra And Leggings While Performing On Jimmy Kimmel Live
People got kind of pissed last night when Hollywood Boulevard got shut down for a Taylor Swift outdoor pop performance for Jimmy Kimmel. Even the ex-con costumed characters agreed to stop fighting over turf and come together in their hatred toward Taylor Swift for crapping out their unlicensed panhandling for an evening. In your face pedo-Chewbacca, according to Taylor Swift, her music and her muse is currently all about telling the haters that they can’t touch her or the camel toe she was flashing:

“You know what? If you’re upset and irritated that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more, and I’m having more fun than you so it doesn’t matter.”

I’m pretty sure she borrowed eloquence from Dr. King on that one. Taylor’s ‘I don’t care’ attitude is an evolution from her ‘why is everybody picking on me’ doctrine of previous years. It signals she’s made the leap from grammar school to middle school thinking which should please her developmental therapist. As for me, I just like when the music stops and the bad people and their traffic go away.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Has New Tits and a Tumblr Account

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 11:50 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Crop Top And Mini Skirt While Walking In NYC
The lingering utility of social media is for radicalized Islamic terrorists to recruit disaffected Muslim teens and for young girls to get a chance to pretend Taylor Swift give a shit about them. Other than that, it’s trolls and Michelle Obama telling you to eat your vegetables like a Mr. T reboot. Taylor Swift has just moved onto Tumblr to symbolize the ultimate pointlessness of that social media network as well. She’s pretending she doesn’t have a sizable publicity and media team that runs her social blog. She’s asking her fans a bunch of basic questions on how to set up her Tumblr page. And, tens of thousands are responding, because the eleven year old C-student mind is still oblivious to the commercial ruse.

It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Taylor Swift does spend many of her late evenings on her laptop cruising around the Internet. But she’s not building her professional looking Tumblr blog. She’s trolling the accounts of her burn list and ex-boyfriends writing about how they’re assholes who have V.D. Also, ordering personalized cock-shaped cookies for her girlfriends so they can giggle.

Photo Credit: Splash