By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 9:02 AM
I can’t imagine the stage direction to get Taylor Swift to look like she’s about to climax. Maybe they told her to imagine an all-day marathon of Designing Women in her comfiest pajamas while her lame ex-boyfriend learns he has The AIDS from cheating on her. It’s hard to know exactly what can bring Taylor Swift to the height of ecstasy but the suffering of others has to be a key component.
Some MBA at the record label crunched some numbers recently and determined that Taylor’s competition for new dollars is her overly-sexualized skeevy pop star counterparts. So she’s putting together a pro forma album full of high energy crap for tweens and letting herself be filmed in a wet t-shirt in Rolling Stone. When Miley Cyrus got her Rolling Stone feature she tattooed Rolling $tone on the soles of her feet and then fucked a powered-up inking needle so deep that her future baby will be able to see the word ‘Bangerz’ in their gestational hold.
Taylor Swift couldn’t pull the trigger on anything so decidedly rock and roll, but she did give Rolling Stone some raspberry scones and an inanely boring tour of her new $5 million apartment. It’s clear from this article that Taylor Swift is either the most insipidly uninteresting rich woman in the entire world, or she’s hiding something really dark and mysterious. Like Bruce Wayne or Patrick Bateman, with a heavy lean toward the obsessive compulsive serial killer. It’s probably not right to dislike somebody for just being themselves, but if it ever becomes acceptable, I’d start with Taylor Swift.
Photo Credit: Rolling Stone
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 12:40 PM
I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.
“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”
The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.
By Jack August 14, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
There are rumors flying around the web that Taylor Swift decided to try girls after being disappointed by so many men who she tortured to get into her pants. Supposedly, she’s been munching on Victoria Secret model Karlie Kloss’ box. If this is true, then nothing the radical Muslims say about America can bother me. We are the greatest country ever.
Read all about Taylor’s dabbling in tuna tacos. (The Superficial)
North West begins her inevitable journey towards sluthood. (Dlisted)
Hilary Duff gives us a peek at her titty balls on Instagram. (Popoholic)
Poppy Delevinge and her ass hanging out in a blue bikini on a boat. (Hollywood Tuna)
“Bad Boys 3″ is happening whether you want it or not. (Huffington Post)
Snooki’s tampon flies out during dance rehearsals. Commence puking. (Drunken Stepfather)
Some ginger wrestler named Sheamus may play the next Darth Vader. Fuck. (Moviepilot)
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex July 09, 2014 @ 9:10 AM
I don’t read the Wall Street Journal because I have about seventeen dollars in the bank and aggressive Federal Reserve Policy or whatever happens in Chinese commodity markets probably isn’t going to swing my fortunes too dramatically. Discussions about outlawing tits on the Internet are of greater concern to me. So I missed Taylor Swift’s op-ed piece in the Journal. She was the go-to person for talk about the death of album sales and the future of the music recording industry. She may only have a jerry-rigged home-school high school diploma, but Taylor was able to build some strong metaphors comparing music sales to boyfriends and moonlight kisses:
Some music is just for fun, a passing fling (the ones they dance to at clubs and parties for a month while the song is a huge radio hit, that they will soon forget they ever danced to). Some songs and albums represent seasons of our lives, like relationships that we hold dear in our memories but had their time and place in the past. However, some artists will be like finding “the one.” We will cherish every album they put out until they retire and we will play their music for our children and grandchildren.
I’m only slightly jealous that Taylor Swift has superior syntax than I (or me?). Albeit, she sounds like the 50-year old President of her local area Romance Novel Book Club. Taylor continues with her romantic relationship metaphors about how artists need to shake it up in the bedroom musically to keep their fans interested over the long haul. She also mentions that people will still buy albums that “allow them to feel like they really aren’t alone in feeling so alone.” Fucking, eh, Taylor, you just put your little country superstar paw right on my heart strings and tugged.
Taylor Swift didn’t need to say anything really. She’s a living, breathing demonstration of where the music business sits. Artists and their labels need to motivate their fans to listen to their shit over and over again since they’re only making fractions of pennies per listen on streaming. For bands that can’t get millions of Spotify listens, all your dough is coming from live performances and fans getting super high and buying shit on your website. In short, absolutely nothing has changed in the music business. But Taylor Swift got to talk about love in the Wall Street Journal. I’m sure there’s a secret decoder ring dig in there about a boyfriend as well. I moved on to paper with a sports section.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI
By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 3:44 PM
There’s yet to be an entertaining girl fight not involving hair pulling. I might make an exception for the two girls I saw fighting with shoes in high school until both were bloodied. So, hair pulling and heels. Taylor Swift being bitchy doesn’t usually count. Though I do revel in how she immediately cold shoulders girlfriends who get back together with boys she doesn’t deem worthy. She’s cut off Selena Gomez three or four times for her inability to shake the call of the little Canadian Svengali who took her maidenhead. When things go to shit, Taylor will take Selena back to say I told you so and invite her once more into the coven of the prude. But, for now,no more late night giggle phone calls, Selena. Let’s see how long you last out in that cold.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.