That One’s Married, Taylor Swift

By Travis January 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

It probably surprised no one that Bono and U2 won a Golden Globe for their song from Mandela, just weeks after the guy died, but it’s fun to pretend that Taylor Swift immediately found the lead singer at the Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after party on Sunday night to either give him a piece of her mind or try to date him. Taylor apparently partied her losing troubles away, as she danced with that Modern Family actress who looks like she’s 10 and some other girls, before she finally found the subject of her next album in Jared Leto. Did Taylor and Jared end up leaving the party together before having an hour’s worth of the most boring sex ever imagined? Probably, what am I, a fucking clairvoyant?

Photo Credits: Getty

Taylor Swift Plays the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show for No Reason

By Lex November 14, 2013 @ 1:43 PM

Taylor Swift Sings Onstage With Victoria's Secret Models For The VS Fashion Show In New York
When you think hot sexy women’s lingerie, your mind immediately races to Taylor Swift, the human wet blanket who wills your balls back up into your abdomen, then yells at you for wincing. Since CBS started paying to cover this annual show, they decided to turn it into a big TV Thanksgiving time special. Nobody at CBS has ever programmed for anybody under the age of near-death before, so I assume one of the execs kids just told them they wanted to meet Taylor Swift and a million corporate bucks made it happen. Toward the end of the show Taylor sang Teardrops On My Guitar as children from the various Victoria’s Secret sweatshops around Southeast Asia paraded on stage in their native costumes. Nothing makes you feel special like lingerie.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Taylor Swift Is Assless

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 3:06 PM

Taylor Swift Wears Leather Hot Pants Onstage At The Staples Center
I guess you give credit to Taylor Swift for becoming famous without benefit of having an ass. When I think about popular female music artists, I think about girls with big booty shaking asses lip-synching generic thumping Babyface Edmonds songs. That’s what pop music is supposed to be. Insert girl with tits and round ass and bluetooth headset. Taylor Swift has the ass of an older white dude behind the counter at CVS. You know, that guy who wasn’t a chemical engineer Ph.D back in the Philippines or Russia so you have no idea how he got stuck there but you surmise he’s probably on the Megan’s Law website smiling in a cardigan sweater. Not that I check out that dude’s ass. I don’t need to. I can just look at Taylor Swift’s.

Here’s Taylor at Staples Center last night. She’s sort of cute now but she’s already starting to transition into a Waylon Jennings puppet.

Photo Credit: PCN

Taylor Swift Only Dates So She Can Write Shitty Songs for Money

By Jack August 06, 2013 @ 4:40 PM

Taylor Swift admitted what we’ve long suspected that she only dates the guys she dates in order to write shitty songs about the break-up. Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, and countless others have all been the subjects of Taylor Swift’s girl anthems about how boys are gross. For example, We’re Never Getting Back Together was about her relationship with Brokeback Gyllenhaal. That was a huge hit for her and got her redonkulous amounts of money. Like, Scrooge McDuck swim around in piles of gold money. So, why does she keep dating these Hollywood jerks? As she explained to Rolling Stone,

“I am getting to a point where the only love worth being in is the love worth singing about. And kind of mad love…I think that for me, when you experience something that’s worth writing a song about, chances are it’s the same kind of intense feeling that someone else has felt, and it has led them to be sitting on a bedroom floor crying, or walking through a crowded room feeling alone or feeling misunderstood by the person who’s supposed to know them better than anybody else.”

So, let that be a warning to every D-bag in Hollywood. If you stick your dick anywhere near Taylor Swift, you will have an angry song written about you. She’s just using you to sell albums and you’re not going to get a cut, let alone any trim. Besides, she looks like a big-toothed scarecrow. You can do better.

Taylor Swift and Carly Simon Hate on Boys Together (VIDEO)

By Lex July 30, 2013 @ 3:07 PM

I can only imagine the tingles in her perfect Barbie Doll labia Taylor Swift felt when she first heard Carly Simon’s boyfriend ripping classic, You’re So Vain. Carly Simon never revealed who the song was about but I think the common wisdom was James Taylor when he was young and had hair and just writing the first of a hundred songs that would all sound exactly the same. Taylor Swift’s dream was to duet on the song with Carly Simon herself. A dream she shared with her mindless teen girl minions on social media, allowing them to go extra crazy when she brought the real Carly Simon up on stage to gesticulate and mug and pretend to sing the song. Meanwhile, a few large gals in the background with real talent provided the actual vocals. It was really a great moment in male bashing. Taylor might still be tingling.

Taylor Swift Almost Looks Sexy In Her Grandma’s Bikini

By Lex July 29, 2013 @ 11:15 AM

Taylor Swift Goes Paddle Boarding In Westerly RI
Taylor Swift may be a G-rated succubus spawn of the Dark Lord. But, as a man, I have the superpowers to look past her soul robbing merchandisable persona and think about what it might be like to knock around with her in her grandma getups. That could be a thing. Not a thing worth eternal damnation, but a thing.

Photo Credit: Splash, WENN