Taylor Swift Is Assless

By Lex August 21, 2013 @ 3:06 PM

Taylor Swift Wears Leather Hot Pants Onstage At The Staples Center
I guess you give credit to Taylor Swift for becoming famous without benefit of having an ass. When I think about popular female music artists, I think about girls with big booty shaking asses lip-synching generic thumping Babyface Edmonds songs. That’s what pop music is supposed to be. Insert girl with tits and round ass and bluetooth headset. Taylor Swift has the ass of an older white dude behind the counter at CVS. You know, that guy who wasn’t a chemical engineer Ph.D back in the Philippines or Russia so you have no idea how he got stuck there but you surmise he’s probably on the Megan’s Law website smiling in a cardigan sweater. Not that I check out that dude’s ass. I don’t need to. I can just look at Taylor Swift’s.

Here’s Taylor at Staples Center last night. She’s sort of cute now but she’s already starting to transition into a Waylon Jennings puppet.

Photo Credit: PCN

Taylor Swift Only Dates So She Can Write Shitty Songs for Money

By Jack August 06, 2013 @ 4:40 PM

Taylor Swift admitted what we’ve long suspected that she only dates the guys she dates in order to write shitty songs about the break-up. Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, and countless others have all been the subjects of Taylor Swift’s girl anthems about how boys are gross. For example, We’re Never Getting Back Together was about her relationship with Brokeback Gyllenhaal. That was a huge hit for her and got her redonkulous amounts of money. Like, Scrooge McDuck swim around in piles of gold money. So, why does she keep dating these Hollywood jerks? As she explained to Rolling Stone,

“I am getting to a point where the only love worth being in is the love worth singing about. And kind of mad love…I think that for me, when you experience something that’s worth writing a song about, chances are it’s the same kind of intense feeling that someone else has felt, and it has led them to be sitting on a bedroom floor crying, or walking through a crowded room feeling alone or feeling misunderstood by the person who’s supposed to know them better than anybody else.”

So, let that be a warning to every D-bag in Hollywood. If you stick your dick anywhere near Taylor Swift, you will have an angry song written about you. She’s just using you to sell albums and you’re not going to get a cut, let alone any trim. Besides, she looks like a big-toothed scarecrow. You can do better.

Taylor Swift and Carly Simon Hate on Boys Together (VIDEO)

By Lex July 30, 2013 @ 3:07 PM

I can only imagine the tingles in her perfect Barbie Doll labia Taylor Swift felt when she first heard Carly Simon’s boyfriend ripping classic, You’re So Vain. Carly Simon never revealed who the song was about but I think the common wisdom was James Taylor when he was young and had hair and just writing the first of a hundred songs that would all sound exactly the same. Taylor Swift’s dream was to duet on the song with Carly Simon herself. A dream she shared with her mindless teen girl minions on social media, allowing them to go extra crazy when she brought the real Carly Simon up on stage to gesticulate and mug and pretend to sing the song. Meanwhile, a few large gals in the background with real talent provided the actual vocals. It was really a great moment in male bashing. Taylor might still be tingling.

Taylor Swift Almost Looks Sexy In Her Grandma’s Bikini

By Lex July 29, 2013 @ 11:15 AM

Taylor Swift Goes Paddle Boarding In Westerly RI
Taylor Swift may be a G-rated succubus spawn of the Dark Lord. But, as a man, I have the superpowers to look past her soul robbing merchandisable persona and think about what it might be like to knock around with her in her grandma getups. That could be a thing. Not a thing worth eternal damnation, but a thing.

Photo Credit: Splash, WENN

Abercrombie & Fitch Back Down to Taylor Swift Twit Army

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 3:13 PM

The most ruthless and heartless power in this world is young teen-aged girl music fans. They will cut your fucking heart out and lap up your blood as your fade from your mortal coils. Bieber fans are notorious for their online death threats of any woman associated with their teen lesbian idol. Taylor Swift fans are not far behind. You fuck with Swift, they fuck with you. They’re pubescent girls, they operate without logic or reason. Abercrombie & Fitch, retailer to these very same obnoxious suburban teens tried making a printed T-shirt with a small chide to Taylor Swift, the fairly innocuous imprint ‘#more boyfriends than t.s.’ I guess they ‘in touch with the demo’ marketing folks came up with that winner. But it backfired when the collective Swifties mob took it as a slam on their idol with the famous revolving door of unhappy boyfriends.

Taylor has over 20 million Twitter followers, and there’s so many people that literally cannot stand Abercrombie & Fitch and honestly, I don’t even care that the T-shirt is out of production. I will never shop at Abercrombie & Fitch again. I hope your business falls to the ground. — one angry Swifty on YouTube.

Okay angry mini-Hitler, let it all out. She was joined on social media and angry phone calls by a countless number of her sisters in Swift. The cheesy overpriced retailer was quick to respond on Twitter, standing their ground like true champs:

Hey #swifties we no longer sell the shirt. We <3 Taylor’s music and think she’s awesome

Now they just sound like overly apologetic creepy old library volunteers. It’s really hard to know who to root for in this spastic battle. The mindless teen girl mob or the crass desperate mall retailer that will say or do anything to sell their crap to these same girls. Meteor.

Selena Gomez Might Be Dating This Hunk

By Travis June 20, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Of course I mean the doughy ginger on the right and not the other guy, who has built an empire out of tricking yokels into coughing up their money for a redneck routine that’s faker than Courtney Stodden’s tits. That guy on the right is singer Ed Sheeran, and if Us Weekly is telling the truth, he’s currently dating Selena Gomez after her 10 millionth split from delicate French prostitute Justin Bieber.

Us claims that Ed and Selena met through their mutual friend Taylor Swift, who also reportedly dated Sheeran during their current tour. If that’s true, it’s only a matter of time before Taylor writes an entire album about jealousy and betrayal, and maybe even falling into a rock crusher. She probably doesn’t have any experience in that last one, but it doesn’t mean we can’t encourage her to try it.

(Photo Credit: Getty)