Taylor Swift is still a vindictive bitch

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 2:24 PM

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Taylor Swift gets a lot of credit for writing her own songs, but she shouldn’t because all they are is a list reasons why every guy she’s ever dated is an asshole. Naturally that means her new record will be filled with coy allusions to Jake Gyllenhaal, even though they only dated for a few months, well over a year ago.

Swift (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about Gyllenhaal on her upcoming new album.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BUY THIS CUNT A DIARY. Until then, here’s a sample of the lyrics:

“My mother accused me of losing my mind/But I swore I was fine…
Don’t you think I was too young/To be messed with…
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young/To be played/By your dark, twisted games…”

Oh wait no. Those were the lyrics Taylor wrote last year about John Mayer. Because he screwed with her mind too. All these guys are just jerks I guess, who are mean to Taylor for absolutely no reason. Awww, the poor little lamb must have some kind of curse on her!

so photoshopped it’s illegal, part 2

By brendon December 20, 2011 @ 4:24 PM

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Back in July, Lancome had to pull some ads because their liberal use of photoshop crossed the line from “enhancement” to “fuck you”. But it sorta made sense because it was an ad with Julia Roberts, who looks like an old glove.

Now CoverGirl has to pull one of their ads too (pictured above), an ad featuring 22-year-old Taylor Swift. Business Insider says…

Procter & Gamble has agreed to never again run an ad for its CoverGirl mascara because it used “enhanced post-production” and “photoshopping” to make eyelashes look thicker than they were in real life. P&G agreed to the ban even though it disclosed in the ad that the image was enhanced.
The move is the latest in a series of baby steps that U.S. and international advertising regulators have taken to ban the use of Photoshop in advertising when it is misleading to consumers.

How are ads that blatantly lie allowed at all. Even a little. Is Porsche allowed to say, “you won’t believe the pussy you’ll get.” Because it’s been six months and so far nothin. I can barely make my payments. Can I sue them or what?

morning headlines

By brendon January 21, 2011 @ 10:48 AM

Hilary Duff Leaving Neiman Marcus In Beverly Hills

MEL GIBSON – is facing up to 4 years in jail for hitting his ex. It’s probably a good thing he didn’t know that because if he did I bet he would have hit her even harder. (sun)

AMERICAN IDOL – is down 13 percent in the ratings from one year ago, which was the lowest rated season in the shows history. And this is crazy because everyone loves Jennifer Lopez so much. How could this have gone wrong? It’s a real mindbender. (ew)

TAYLOR SWIFT AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL – dated briefly around Thanksgiving, then broke up, but now may be back together. They might as well be. They’re never gonna find anyone else this bland and boring, so don’t even bother. (people)

KESHA – has said in countless interviews that that she doesn’t know who her father is, but it might her father, whom she had a very cordial relationship with until she was 19, but then stared telling people she doesn’t know who her father is. Just once it would be nice to find a girl who wasn’t completely fucking nuts. (star)

HILARY DUFF – is pregnant according to Star, but not pregnant according to Hilary Duff. So either Star is lying, or she’s lying, or she wanted to wait and tell me our big news in person. (star, twitter)

Wednesday headlines

By brendon January 05, 2011 @ 12:07 PM

48885PCN_Katebikini

JAKE GYLLENHAAL AND TAYLOR SWIFT – broke up, and now that vindictive psychopath will no doubt try to embarrass him in one of her songs. “And people wonder why I’m gay,” Jake will no doubt say to himself. (us.com)

LINDSAY LOHAN – says she’s not stalking her ex Sam Ronson, and it’s just a coincidence that she moved across town to a house 30 feet from where Sam lives. And that seems reasonable. In a city of 15 million people, how could you NOT rent a house right next to your ex. It’s inevitable. (fox)

KATE GOSSELIN – is in Australia with her kids whom she clearly hates. Maybe thats why she’s teaching them that, when you see a crocodile in the water, go jump on it’s back and try to ride it. Come kids, there’s plenty of room, remember to make lots of quick, sudden moves.

its Taylor Swift and the Sad Cartoon Turtle

By brendon December 03, 2010 @ 5:24 PM

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Us magazine
has a new picture of Taylor Swift and Maggie “the Sad Cartoon Turtle” Gyllenhaal out for completely spontaneous walk, just like the one Taylor had with her totally real boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal a few days ago. And just like before, they’re having so much fun laughing and pointing they didn’t even notice that photographer directly in front of them. They only have this one picture though, probably because the boom mic showed up in the other ones.

Jake Gyllenhall and Taylor Swift are official… ly boring

By brendon December 01, 2010 @ 2:35 PM

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Jake Gyllenhaal (who turns 30 in 3 weeks) and Taylor Swift (who turns 21 in 2 weeks) are officially dating, according to Us magazine. Oh, the excitement.

Us has the first photos of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal’s romantic Thanksgiving Day weekend.
Arm in arm, the two looked more smitten than ever as they took an afternoon stroll in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood
Dating for just five weeks, the romance is heating up.
“She loves his family and he loves hers,” says a Swift source.
Adds another pal, “It’s definitely serious.”

Hold on to your hats, because they also describe Taylor as “love-struck”. Well knock me down with a feather, why don’t you. I used to date a girl so clingy she liked to hold my dick when I took a piss. Taylor seems like that. Nuts.

Luckily for her Gyllenhaal is practically retarded and a mental blank slate so he probably won’t even notice. Here’s a timeline of what would happen if you hit that dummy in the head with a rock:

0:10 – Blank stare
0:20 – Blank stare
0:30 – “Heeyy, what the…”