Wait, You Can Pay Ted Nugent To Go Away?

By Jack March 24, 2014 @ 3:45 PM

The town of Longview, TX paid Ted Nugent a deer carcass full of money to NOT appear at a city function. The Motor City nut job was scheduled to play Cat Scratch Fever or whatever at the Maude Cobb Convention and Activity Center during their Fourth of July show. The townsfolk were pissed off about this because, you know, Ted Nugent is a crazy asshole that even rednecks got tired of long ago. So, Longview offered him $16,000, half of his 32K fee, to please stay the fuck away. The legendary guitarist and gun nut has said some controversial shit over the years that has pissed off a lot of people. Most recently he called the President a “subhuman mongrel”. I myself saw him live once opening for KISS and he went on a rant about killing people who don’t speak English with his compound bow. Sorry, abuela. Who knew after all these years all you had to do to get him to go away was give him money? Can we take up a collection as a nation and get him to move somewhere where we never have to hear him or Stranglehold ever again? Maybe we can airdrop him into Crimea with a quiver full of arrows and tell him not to stop until he gets to Red Square. He’d probably make it too. Only to find Putin paying him to go away as well.

Ted Nugent Says Harvey Weinstein Is A Nazi

By Jack January 17, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Ted Nugent shot off his ever open mouth again when he equated Miramax mogul Harvey Weinstein with the Nazis. Mind you, Weinstein is Jewish. But that didn’t stop Ted from invoking the world’s most overused analogy. It all started when Weinstein announced that he was going to make an anti-NRA movie in which, “We’re going to take this issue head on, and they’re going to wish they weren’t alive after I’m done with them.” Yeah, I’m sure they’re scared seeing as Hollywood’s last thousand movies portraying gun ownership negatively have really shifted the needle. Still, The Motor City Madfuck felt obliged to retort:

“Will see that Joseph Goebbels and Saul Alinsky is alive in the form a fat punk named Harvey Weinstein, and as he tries to destroy the NRA it will backfire on him. I don’t know if Harvey Weinstein has had a lifetime of drug and substance abuse, but he certainly sounds like it.”

Here’s what I know about gun control. It’s been debated since I was born and will be debated long after I’m dead. Nobody will agree on shit, but most likely the people with the guns will continue to win. That near certainty ought to make Harvey Weinstein quit flailing his fat arms around  in the air and ought to make Ted Nugent shut the fuck up more often. But I doubt either of those things will happen.

President Nugent Would Be Not Boring

By Jack November 06, 2013 @ 2:48 PM

Ted Nugent is threatening to run for public office. For those not familiar, Ted Nugent is the lunatic that loves to kill things with simple weapons and may or may not have a feline transmitted skin infection. He also plays music. Ted thinks that he can do a better job than the assholes of both parties in Washington:

“I’m being pushed pretty hard to run for public office and I believe my sense of logic, my sense of common sense, my connection to people who are in the asset column of America … I believe that I would perform an enormous upgrade in returning to the Constitution.”

I once saw this guy perform live and it was anything but logical. He came out wearing a Native American headdress and a sleeveless Confederate flag shirt. He proceeded to sing a song about being the last great white buffalo before shooting his guitar with a flaming arrow. He then screamed his fucking head off before a roadie covered him with the American flag and carried him off stage. Still, he has real passion, The one thing missing from Washington. Well, that and the ability to code in HTML and Javascript.

Mrs. Ted Nugent Arrested For Taking Gun Into Airport

By Jack August 30, 2013 @ 2:32 PM

Ted Nugent’s wife Shemane, (yes, her name is fucking Shemane), was arrested after she brought a gun into an airport terminal in Dallas. Apparently, Mrs. Cat Scratch Fever forgot that you can’t take loaded weapons on or near an airplane. The Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport cops took her away and it’s unclear what happened after that. In Shemane’s defense, have you ever seen the part of town the Dallas airport is in? I wouldn’t be there after dark with anything less than an M-16. Also, I imagine it would be difficult to completely disarm in the Nugent family. Just keeping track of all the guns would be daunting. She must carry 7 guns in her purse alone. It’s unclear whether the Nuge was with her at the time, but I doubt it. He would have been picked up for trying to sneak his compound bow on disguised as a Barnes and Noble Nook.