Teresa Guidice Memoirs Seem Particularly Shitty

By Lex February 02, 2016 @ 8:48 AM

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Bravo TV’s Teresa Guidice just spent fifteen months in jail for bankruptcy fraud. Her husband is about to do thirty nine months. The judge ordered them to serve stints consecutively so one parent would always be around to guide their young teen daughters into the next generation of reality star whores. This nation used to need farmers.

Guidice is legally free to turn her prison time into attention and money for herself, including a tell-all book about what it’s like to be a New Jersey housewife with weight issues forced into knitting jumpers in the federal pen. The harrowing tales of flipping through Redbook magazines for fifteen months and speaking with her kids more often than before prison makes this a no brainer Amazon buy. And that’s before the obviously contrived prison lesbian sex tidbits.

I could see two women … writhing around … I cannot believe this is happening!

You can’t believe lonely women in prison are masturbating each other or that you had to commit literary fraud as your first act upon leaving prison? Being arrested for larceny is the last interesting thing you did. Step up into some violent assaults and we might have a second book. Andy Cohen kept your chair warm. Semen baths was just a lucky guess.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Teresa Giudice Has Been Unleashed And Shit Around The Web

By Michael December 23, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Watch out prostitution whores, greasy tranny Teresa Giudice is out of prison and ready to class up New Jersey again. You’ll recall that she was jailed for doing a bunch of illegal financial shit with her thick-necked husband. It’s a Christmas miracle for us all!

And by miracle I mean fucking tragedy. (TMZ)

I never tire of looking at Charlotte McKinney’s titties. (Last Men On Earth)

Alicia Vikander and Sonya Cullingford strip down for The Danish Girl. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Isabel Goulart bikinis because she looks fucking amazing doing it. (Drunken Stepfather)

Swedish hottie Felicia Weeren will keep you warm. (The Chive)

Jessica Lowndes in lingerie? Don’t mind if I do. (Popoholic)

In other news, Hugh Grant is still alive and reproducing. (Dlisted)

Teresa Giudice Seems Like a Happy Prisoner

By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 10:22 AM

Teresa Giudice Poses For US Weekly Cover In Prison
Teresa Giudice is on the cover of US Weekly with her smiling family visiting her in prison. They’re either putting on a brave face or they’re just kind of excited the shower drains at home aren’t constantly clogged up for the first time in forever. The story is really about how Teresa’s daughters are coping without their felonious mom around to give them strong guidance. They’re telling the five year old that mom’s at work because, technically, when you’re a thief, incarceration is really just an extra shift. It’s unclear whether or not her prison stint followed by Toilet Joe’s four year stretch is going to hasten or delay these girls from ending up horribly like all other reality show kids sold out by their parents. The Giudices say they would return to Bravo! if the money was right. Or if they could just steal whatever they wanted out of Andy Cohen’s ass safe.

Photo Credit: US Weekly/WWTDD Archives

Teresa Giudice An Ideal Mother

By Matt January 05, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Teresa Giudice’s daughter Gia posted a photo of the two of them ringing in the holidays before Mom heads to the slammer for fifteen months for fraud. They are wearing coordinated ensembles which were paid for with other people’s money. Giudice has reportedly been telling her young daughters she is going to prison to research a book about prison. That seems like a leap given her previous passions consisted of buying shit at the mall and committing financial fraud. Couldn’t she have said she was taking a job updating the prisons in Mediterranean modern and would be back in a year and some change. At least her daughter will remember how mom cared enough to make up a non-plausible story easily debunked with her first Google search. I don’t remember exactly what happened to the daughters of the women in Chained Heat but I’m pretty sure they went on to star in Chained Heat 2.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Teresa Giudice Sues Her Lawyer

By Matt December 04, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Suing your own attorney is an exercise in futility akin to shaving your own balls or cooking your own thai food. You’re clearly out of good options. Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey is rolling the dice. She was handed a 15 month prison sentence for bankruptcy fraud because she did not disclose several sources of sheltered income and is now suing attorney James Kridel because he apparently did not make enough of an effort to investigate the money she wasn’t being forthcoming about. You can’t hire a shady lawyer and accuse him of malpractice any more than you should talk shit to a $20 dollar whore because her weave smells like wood rot. It’s build into the as-is deal package.

$11 million dollars in debt and in the midst of bankruptcy proceedings, Giudice continued to be featured on Real Housewives flushing money down the toilet on shit like $8,000 curtains. Had this been a storyline the show may have been watchable for fifteen minutes while your browsed Tinder pretending bi-curious doesn’t mean gay. Next time your girlfriend watches this kind of shit and has the nerve to say ‘those curtains are cute’ immediately disavow her. Outside of her shitty taste, her morals are rotten too.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Joe And Teresa Giudice Go To Jail And Shit Around The Web

By Michael October 03, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Reality TV stars Joe and Teresa Giudice are going to jail for tax fraud. Before they are locked up and raped repeatedly by people who don’t give a shit so much about you being a Bravo! Housewives star, bright white toothed Andy Cohen is going to interview them and pretend television exposure was good for them in the long run.

Read all about how long The Giudice’s can expect to be forcibly sodomized. (TMZ)

Katherine Heigl’s crew pulls out their schlongs during her latest fuck scene. (Huffington Post)

Chrissy Teigen “accidentally” slips a nip. (Drunken Stepfather)

Abigail Ratchford in a bikini makes my wiener happy. (Hollywood Tuna)

Danielle Knudson in lingerie is part of your complete breakfast. (Popoholic)

Turns out Nicholas Sparks is an anti-Semite AND a shitty writer. (Dlisted)

Jessie J has a nice pair of double Ds in Cosmo UK. (COED)

Photo credit: Splash News