On yesterday’s episode of The View, Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd closed the show out with a clip of Lena Dunham getting naked on an episode of Girls, because that’s what every person wants to see right before lunch. But because they’re so hip and hilarious, Jenny and Sherri announced that they were taking their tops off, too, because if Lena does it for attention, then they can do it for ratings, too. I bet it totally worked, because guys everywhere must have been dropping everything to tune in to see Jenny’s 41-year old tits behind a black box, instead of googling “Jenny McCarthy Playboy nude” and remembering a time when she was a really hot 21-year old and not that crazy lady trying to murder all of your kids.
The Duke porn star known as Belle Knox, whose secret career was outed by a really unimaginative frat boy at her school, appeared on The View yesterday to talk about why, among other things, she got into porn in the first place. Much to the surprise of people who think that all female porn stars were molested and abandoned as children, Belle Knox is just yet another girl who really likes having sex, and when she realized that she could pay for a great college education by taking a few shots to the throat on the side, she took advantage of it. Honestly, the only drawback of this whole thing, aside from anonymous internet people calling her a whore, which is basically a badge of honor these days, is that she had to listen to Jenny McCarthy talk. Nobody should have to suffer that kind of unimaginable and unfair horror.
It’s a battle of the old crones after Sharon Osborne told the ladies of The View that they can go fuck themselves. The potty mouthed star most famous for having fucked Ozzy sober for a while, took a swipe at the cackling beasts of The View during an appearance on the Arsenio show. You know, because it’s 1990 and Arsenio Hall has a show again. It’s unclear why Sharon doesn’t like The View…other than it’s The View and it sucks donkey balls. Sharon said of the hosts,
“Barbara — idolize her, divine, she is super-human, I love Barbara Walters. The rest can go f-ck themselves!”
I have to say I agree with Mrs. Osborne’s barely formed opinion on the matter. Jenny McCarthy is a bleached mole on the ass of humanity. Whoopi Goldberg hasn’t been relevant since people even cared to conjecture if she was a lesbian, and I can’t even remember the other hosts, only faintly hear their cackling hen voices. Sure, I could look it up, but I won’t. That’s how much I don’t give a shit about The View. Sharon ought to save her breath for resuscitating her family members.
Jenny McCarthy has been one of the four horsewomen of the daytime TV apocalypse on The View for just a little over a month, but she’s already facing the ax, according to Radar, because people simply can’t stand listening to her talk. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, because Jenny has become one of the most annoying celebrities on the planet in recent years, from her beliefs that vaccines cause autism to just about everything else about her.
It also doesn’t help that daytime TV has become such a thankless wasteland of impatience either. Just ask Kris Jenner, who proved that you can suck and cradle Satan’s balls all you want, but if you don’t kiss the tip and deliver the ratings, you’ll be canceled faster than your teenage daughters can expose an ass cheek on Instagram.
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Soon-to-be talk show host and woman who would burn an entire orphanage to the ground for attention, Kris Jenner, was on The View yesterday to discuss, among other crap, how her cash cow daughter, Kim Kardashian, just named her newborn baby North West. Kris claimed that Kim and Kanye West picked that name because north means “highest power” and this is the “highest point” of their relationship. At the very least, this is great because it means the beginning of the end.
But even better was Kris acting like the name isn’t stupid because, “You don’t walk around calling somebody, ‘Hi North West!’” Yes you most certainly do. When someone has a stupid name like that, you say it repeatedly, every day of every week until she eventually tries to murder her parents. Not that I’ve thought about it.