Tons of people came down on Tiger Woods for banging a couple or few dozen women not his wife. Also, for texting girls during the middle of tournaments about wanting to fuck them so hard they split in half. His wife had the only valid reason to be pissed at him and he gave her a shitload of cash to help her feel whole again. I side with the people who say only a higher power can judge a guy like Tiger. At least it’s clear that they understand their place in this world. Plus, sometimes, that higher power will actually carry out a sentence. Which might explain why a giant sinkhole is forming under Tiger’s Jupiter Island insane fucking $60 million mansion. When Tiger noticed the floor in his majestic dining room bowing, he had workers pull up the foundation only to discover the soft Sunshine State soil was caving in beneath the home. Tiger suggested choking the sinkhole like the slut that it is and filling it with his big black cock. But, apparently, you can’t get a permit for that in Florida. Though Lindsay Vonn quickly forgave him for suggesting it, and then reiterated what an amazing man Tiger is.
For all of the stories and photos that came out of Monday night’s Met Gala in New York City, I’m not even sure what the hell actually happened at that event, other than desperate women played dress-up, Kanye West rapped to his couch and Sarah Jessica Parker terrified children. And now we can add to that list that Tiger Woods apparently got really fucking hammered.
According to the Daily Mail, Tiger had a hard time keeping his hands off of his girlfriend Lindsey Vonn before he hit the dance floor with Tyson Beckford at the rooftop post-party. Tiger and Lindsey eventually left after Tiger reportedly fell while walking up some stairs. I’m not sure how the argument went during the drive home, but I imagine Lindsey said something like, “You really embarrassed me in there” to which Tiger whipped out their latest bank statements and she added, “I love you, Tiger.”
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Tiger Woods, a golfer people stopped caring about a long time ago following his sex scandal, is dating Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn, an alpine skier I’m not sure anybody ever cared about except for one week in the winter of 2010. But now Vonn just made the couple’s relationship Facebook official, and probably wears his championship golf jackets when they have sex.
I guess it wasn’t a well-kept secret but yes, I am dating Tiger Woods. Our relationship evolved from a friendship into something more over these past few months and it has made me very happy. I don’t plan on addressing this further as I would like to keep that part of my life between us, my family and close friends. Thank you for understanding and your continued support!
Continued support? I didn’t know we were supporting this in the first place. I’m sure people can change and all that bullshit, but Woods had sex with 120 different women while he was married to a way hotter woman than this. You do the math. The math says double that number, half anal. That’s a lot of ass.
UPDATE: One of the porn stars Tiger used to cheat on Elin with says Tiger probably already cheating on Lindsey Vonn.
Photo credit: WENN
Long before she helped ruin Tiger Woods marriage, Rachel Uchitel was engaged to an investment banker who was killed during the attacks on 9/11. But don’t feel too bad for her, because as she explains in a New York Post interview that comes out tomorrow, dead fiances never start fights.
“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.”
“(Had he not been murdered) I would be a fat housewife with three kids on Long Island.”
She’s now threatening to sue the Post while claiming these quotes were taken out of context, though I’m not sure what the right context is for, “I’m happy he got burned alive on 9/11 or else I might have gained some weight.”
MARTIN SCORSESE – has released a trailer for his movie ‘Hugo’, which is notable because it’s Scorseses first 3D movie, and for months people have been saying that this is the movie that could take 3D from an easy gimmick to a serious tool for talented directors to use. Also Borat falls down a lot. (apple)
CHRIS BROWN – performed on the Today show this morning and brought in a record crowd of 18,000. When asked about the crowd, Brown proudly said, “This is more girls than I could punch in a lifetime.” today
ELIN NORDEGREN – has traded up financially by going from Tiger Woods to date investor Jamie Dingman, the son of billionaire Michael Dingman. If this doesn’t work out she’ll pretty much have to date Mr. Burns. (ny post)
KELLY BROOK – showed the bikinis versatility today by wearing one to go shopping. If you’re a hot girl with big boobs, it really is the only outfit you need. The bikini: at work, home, or on the go! (splash)
THE CAST OF GLEE – has passed the Beatles for the most appearances on the Billboard Hot 100 chart by a non-solo act. They’ve had 75 songs on the chart, topping the Beatles old record of 71. Isn’t it exciting to be around while the greatest band in history is in their prime? (yahoo)
WEEZER – has been offered 10 million dollars to break up by a fan who says they used to be great but now they suck and it’s frustrating. And I agree. If they don’t sing glee club versions of Britney songs, fuck them. (popeater)
TIGER WOODS – allegedly made a sex tape with porn star Devon James in 2008, and now she claims she’s sold it to a production company. A source who helped put the deal together says it shows Tiger, “playing a few holes.” Which means the source is Jeff Foxworthy: Pornographer. (radar)
KELLY BROOK – is on the cover of 2 editions of FHM this month, one in Australia, and the other in a place that I bet is revealed somewhere on the cover in that language I dont speak.