By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Tiger Woods went to watch Lindsey Vonn ski while rocking a creepy skull printed face mask and missing his front tooth. People noticed, because it’s pretty weird and it’s Tiger Woods and he’s fucking Lindsay Vonn. Woods’ agent released a bullshit sounding statement saying the tooth was knocked out by a news camera as he was being crowded by reporters in a tent. If you’re going to slander a certain group, you might to go for the people who don’t report on things professionally and can easily vet your story. Nicola Colli, the organizer of the event, said this:
“I was among those who escorted him from the tent to the snowmobile and there was no such incident.”
He sounds pretty confident. It’s unclear what actually happened, but most dudes don’t like it when they catch Tiger Woods balls deep in their girlfriend after her swing shift at Outback. Woods’ teeth have always looked like they were purchased at a boutique in SoHo and don’t look particularly human. I’m sure he can order a replacement online if he’s not distracted by his bookmarked torture porn while logging on. Woods out.
By Lex December 17, 2013 @ 6:06 PM
Way to bring shame upon the great Woods family name, jackass. Tiger’s brother, Earl Woods Jr., named after their dad, kind of called in a bomb threat that cleared out his office in Phoenix. Earl Jr. called the bomb threat ‘just a joke’ at or about the time he got cuffed by the cops, but I guess that’s no longer a valid legal defense. It is kind of sad how 9/11 ruined hilarious pranks like bomb threats for everyone. After the arrest, Tiger Woods people snapped into action and pointed out that Earl Jr. is only Tiger’s half-brother, that Tiger barely knew Earl Jr., and that he had no idea where he got that pretty sweet Nike shirt in his mug shot.
By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 8:38 AM
Tons of people came down on Tiger Woods for banging a couple or few dozen women not his wife. Also, for texting girls during the middle of tournaments about wanting to fuck them so hard they split in half. His wife had the only valid reason to be pissed at him and he gave her a shitload of cash to help her feel whole again. I side with the people who say only a higher power can judge a guy like Tiger. At least it’s clear that they understand their place in this world. Plus, sometimes, that higher power will actually carry out a sentence. Which might explain why a giant sinkhole is forming under Tiger’s Jupiter Island insane fucking $60 million mansion. When Tiger noticed the floor in his majestic dining room bowing, he had workers pull up the foundation only to discover the soft Sunshine State soil was caving in beneath the home. Tiger suggested choking the sinkhole like the slut that it is and filling it with his big black cock. But, apparently, you can’t get a permit for that in Florida. Though Lindsay Vonn quickly forgave him for suggesting it, and then reiterated what an amazing man Tiger is.
By Travis May 09, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
For all of the stories and photos that came out of Monday night’s Met Gala in New York City, I’m not even sure what the hell actually happened at that event, other than desperate women played dress-up, Kanye West rapped to his couch and Sarah Jessica Parker terrified children. And now we can add to that list that Tiger Woods apparently got really fucking hammered.
According to the Daily Mail, Tiger had a hard time keeping his hands off of his girlfriend Lindsey Vonn before he hit the dance floor with Tyson Beckford at the rooftop post-party. Tiger and Lindsey eventually left after Tiger reportedly fell while walking up some stairs. I’m not sure how the argument went during the drive home, but I imagine Lindsey said something like, “You really embarrassed me in there” to which Tiger whipped out their latest bank statements and she added, “I love you, Tiger.”
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Wyatt March 19, 2013 @ 12:20 PM
Tiger Woods, a golfer people stopped caring about a long time ago following his sex scandal, is dating Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn, an alpine skier I’m not sure anybody ever cared about except for one week in the winter of 2010. But now Vonn just made the couple’s relationship Facebook official, and probably wears his championship golf jackets when they have sex.
I guess it wasn’t a well-kept secret but yes, I am dating Tiger Woods. Our relationship evolved from a friendship into something more over these past few months and it has made me very happy. I don’t plan on addressing this further as I would like to keep that part of my life between us, my family and close friends. Thank you for understanding and your continued support!
Continued support? I didn’t know we were supporting this in the first place. I’m sure people can change and all that bullshit, but Woods had sex with 120 different women while he was married to a way hotter woman than this. You do the math. The math says double that number, half anal. That’s a lot of ass.
UPDATE: One of the porn stars Tiger used to cheat on Elin with says Tiger probably already cheating on Lindsey Vonn.
Photo credit: WENN
By brendon September 07, 2011 @ 4:28 PM
Long before she helped ruin Tiger Woods marriage, Rachel Uchitel was engaged to an investment banker who was killed during the attacks on 9/11. But don’t feel too bad for her, because as she explains in a New York Post interview that comes out tomorrow, dead fiances never start fights.
“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.”
“(Had he not been murdered) I would be a fat housewife with three kids on Long Island.”
She’s now threatening to sue the Post while claiming these quotes were taken out of context, though I’m not sure what the right context is for, “I’m happy he got burned alive on 9/11 or else I might have gained some weight.”