Some would say Tiger Woods was driven to cheat because his sex drive was out of control, making him more animal than man. But what if he was stuffed with steroids and human growth hormone?  Then his constant erections seem pretty reasonable. So, and this is a little awkward, maybe you were judging him before you knew all the facts. No offense but you really made an ass of yourself this time. The New York Times says…

A Canadian doctor who has treated many N.F.L. players as well as Olympic medalists and Tiger Woods, is under criminal investigation in the United States. He is suspected of providing athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, according to several people who have been briefed on the investigation.
The F.B.I. investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, a sports medicine specialist who has treated hundreds of professional athletes across many sports, follows his arrest on Oct. 15 in Toronto by the Canadian police.
Human growth hormone and Actovegin, a drug extracted from calf’s blood, were found in his medical bag at the United States-Canada border in late September.

The article is interesting but there’s not even one naked teen girl in it so I got pretty bored. From what I skimmed, it seems Galea and Tiger have a limited history. Tiger was rehabbing his knee last year, results were slow, so he was referred to Galea.

Dr. Galea said he treated Mr. Woods in his home four or five times with a borrowed centrifuge from an Orlando doctor. Each time, he said he drew blood from Woods, spun it to increase the platelets’ count and then injected a small amount directly into Mr. Woods’s left knee.
Two days after the first treatment, Woods texted him, Dr. Galea said: “He said he couldn’t believe how good he feels. He’d joke and say, ‘I can jump up on the kitchen table,’ and I said, ‘Please don’t.’ ”
Dr. Galea said that Mr. Woods stayed in touch, texting him after the British Open in July that his left knee had begun bothering him again. Dr. Galea said he flew to Orlando in early August and gave Mr. Woods P.R.P. therapy for a final time.

Well he just got his ass kicked by a girl, so I think it’s safe to say he wasn’t on any of this stuff. Steroids and HGH turn you into Batman basically, and he would have subdued any attacker with ease. This is why I want, nay, need HGH. I’ve asked you deadbeat readers to send me some a hundred times but no one ever has. I don’t know how to find it. Maybe I’ll just go to the locker room at the gym and hang out and guess who’s on it.  Then when we’re somewhere private, like in the sauna or something, I’ll say, “Damn dude, you have a really good body. I wouldn’t mind gettin some of what you got and stickin it in me, if you catch my drift.” Then I’ll wink to let him know I’m cool, and this will be our little secret.

Yes, yes, that’s sure to work.  I’ve got a lucky feeling about this!