Tila Tequila Reproduces

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 7:22 AM


Turns out, Tila Tequila is still alive. She’s also reproducing. She posted on her blog that she gave birth to a baby girl, which really irritated the general public who by and large assumed she was either dead in a Gainesville motel or well on her way to being dead in a Gainesville motel. Vexing to know that cliche about only the good dying young is actually almost entirely true. In the last couple of years Tila has starved herself down to less than her birth weight, launched herself out of a first floor window, written love poems to Hitler, and produced another porn posing as a celebrity sex tape. It’s amazing she found the time to break into a sperm bank and baste the entire contents of cold storage drawer #7 into her twat. Her baby daddy is one of eighty-seven possible street grifters who sold their spunk to pay for Chipotle. If God is looking down upon this infant, she’ll be abandoned in a Burger King bathroom like that chick in Pennsylvania, raised by a foster family, and not even realize who her real mother is until she’s forty and visits her for the first time in the Old Vietnamese Whores Home.

Photo Credit: Instagram

I Wonder if Tila Tequila Is Still Pregnant

By Lex June 19, 2014 @ 5:46 PM

What lies within this reproductive sac may just be the ruin of our civilization. But fuck it, who doesn’t get misty eyed when a new life comes into this world. Things aren’t going super smoothly between this apocalyptic reaper’s parental units. Tila has been making claims that Thomas Whitaker wouldn’t make a great father because he’s an unemployed musician and currently being investigated by CPS for the murder of his two children. I’m not sure which is worse. I’d probably let my daughter date a murderer. Whitaker says suggestions he killed his kids are ridiculous since everybody knows where he lives and nobody’s ever come to investigate. Dumb people always manage to back into some decent causality arguments. Whitaker claims that other than some civil judgements and a bankruptcy, his record is completely clean. He should probably add ‘unprotected sex with Tila Tequila’ to that ‘other than’ list.

Tila had been Tweeting nasty racist messages to Whitaker, but it turns out that her Twitter account was hacked by another somebody who just happened to have a personal grudge against Whitaker and knew lots of his personal family details. It’s unclear who’s really at fault here in the dispute, so I’d Solomon this matter by tearing the baby in half. Literally. We can’t let this world burn in hellfire before Hilary Clinton becomes President. She’d be super pissed.

Photo credit: Tila Tequila/Facebook/Instagram

Tila Tequila Reveals Who Knocked Her Up

By Jack April 24, 2014 @ 2:50 PM

Tila Tequila revealed that her baby daddy is some d-bag named Thomas Paxton Whitaker. I can’t believe I care enough to ask who the fuck is that? With three names I assumed he was either a child rapist or a progressive housewife, but, no, he’s a struggling musician who probably thinks that being balls deep in that train wreck is going to give him some industry cred. Unless he works for the Illuminati he’s going to be sorely disappointed. Congratulations, Thomas or Thomas Paxton. The next eighteen years of your life are going to be filled with calls from hospitals, credit collectors, police stations, and schools wondering where your kid has been this past month or two. The last guy who doinked Tila got to be faceless on camera and got $800 for his time and then go to leave. I bet he only had two names.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Tila Tequila Pregnant With Whoreby

By Jack April 21, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Tila Tequila Stills From Her Sex Tape

Tila Tequila is knocked up with not one but two little womb trolls. The Hitler apologizing bisexual porn star with occasionally flipping on suicidal tendencies announced the startling news on Good Friday, because her having a baby is the reason Jesus died for our sins. No word on who not so immaculately conceived inside of her vagina which more people could pick out of a lineup than Vice President Biden Perhaps he is a ten foot tall reptilian shapeshifter working for the Illuminati or maybe he’s a Neo-Nazi with a fetish for plastic women. Or it was just some random guy she fucked behind the Arby’s by the mall because though she leans lady, sometimes she likes the smell of thinly sliced mostly beef product . She might also be lying. I’m pretty sure she lied about being pregnant with some dead rich woman’s baby before, which only makes sense in her world. She’s been out of the news since her latest sex tape hit the Internet. So, of course the next logical step is to announce a pregnancy. Jumping out of a window for attention gets old after a while.

The Tila Tequila Sex Tape Is Here, Again

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 12:47 PM

Tila Tequila Stills From Her Sex Tape
If you happen to love seeing Hitler apologists with routine psychotic breaks take a big dong up their dumper, then Tila Tequila Backdoored and Squirting is going to be your Hunger Games for 2014. I guess ranting about the Illuminati online doesn’t pay like it used to, so Tila Tequila, whose real name is Tawdry Asian Pussy Rag, got back into the studio to create some more art. All the bullshit nonsense of a celebrity sex tape or stolen goods or leaked against my will have been laid by the wayside for this straight forward anal plunging porn. I guess that makes this her most honest piece of work. At least until the third piece in her trilogy, Tila Tequila Dead and Still Being Fucked.

You can see uncensored pictures of Tila HERE.

Photo Credit: Vivid

Tila Tequila’s Sex Tape Is Odd (VIDEO)

By Jack December 23, 2013 @ 3:23 PM

Tila Tequila’s upcoming sex tape looks to be really fucking strange. In this clip, (which has the nudity blacked out to make it completely worthless), Tila assumes the identity of an English chick named Ashley. She even puts on a bad Cockney accent reminiscent of Dick van Dyke in Marry Poppins. That weird voices and other craziness are a part of this skin flick isn’t a real shocker. The sex tape is coming from the same pint-sized lunatic who thinks the Illuminati killed Paul Walker and that Hitler was just a misunderstood emo boy. I wonder what other mysteries await in her sex tape? Will she expose the origins of Stonehenge by extracting beads from her ass in a dash-dot Morse code format? Will she make Prometheus a slightly less horrible film by explaining the motivation of the Engineers using only her creampie and an old quill pen. I guess as long as she screams in her Southeastern Asian-Texas accent I’ll watch. Or if it’s free.