Tila Tequila Needs A Fucking Sofa

By Lex January 17, 2016 @ 9:43 PM

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Timeshares used to be the standard by which you could measure people’s fondness for really shitty investments. Now it’s buying a divan for Tila Tequila while she plans the earth’s defense against reptilian alien invaders. The former MySpace star turned porn star turned Messianic fan of the Third Reich got strangers to buy furniture for her new apartment on GoFundMe. Now who’s the stupid crazy one?

I have zero pride or ego when it comes to taking care of my daughter because this is what real good mother’s do.

Actually, really good mothers save their sex on camera money for a rainy day. And a crib so their daughter doesn’t have to sleep in a nest of styrofoam packing inserts from your replica Hitler statues. It’s hard to criticize a whore for begging when people with poor decision making skills keep tossing nickels into her vagina. Tequila has promised to call and personally thank every person who donated. When you assumed the $50 GoFundMe donor prize of ‘oral service’ was a blow job. There’s one of you born every minute.

Tila Tequila Is Still A Moron And Shit Around The Web

By Michael October 28, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Tila Tequila, that pint-sized conspiracy loving cum sponge, tweeted a pic of her kid dressed like Hitler. Doesn’t she know she’ll be the first one thrown in the showers by her kids future final solution.

Check out little Adolf Tequila. (The Superficial)

Sylvie Meis in a thong will make your day. (Last Men On Earth)

Kylie Jenner wears super tight stretch pants because what else has she got going for her? (Egotastic)

Does anyone else think Taylor Swift looks like a less sexy Big Bird? (TMZ)

Behold Alessandra Ambrosio’s legs! (Popoholic)

So, I guess Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are not back together now? (Dlisted)

Twin Peaks raises money from breast cancer with the help of tits. (Busted Coverage)

Tila Tequila Is Evicted And Shit Around The Web

By Michael August 28, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Bat shit crazy Tila Tequila was kicked off Big Brother UK because of her love of Hitler. You remember, how much she loves the Fuhrer. Even though she’s Asian fusion or whatever the fuck.

Read about this Nazi cum sponge’s latest troubles. (TMZ)

Nina Kristin Fiutak takes a topless bath on Big Brother Germany. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Usain Bolt eats it when a camera guy on a Segway knocks him out. (Dlisted)

These sexy pics of Blac Chyna will give your eyes herpes. (COED)

Hot, narcissistic chicks looking in mirrors scantily clad. (The Chive)

Denise Schaefer shows off her sideboob. (Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez Instagrams her cleavage because it’s a day of the week. (Popoholic)

Tila Tequila Doesn’t Need Porn Awards

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 10:52 AM

Tila Tequila Would Rather Be Known As A Great Mom Than Great Porn Star
Tila Tequila is humble in her victories and gonorrheic in her defeats. No sooner did she win best celebrity sex tape at the AVN Awards for Anal Plunge 2: Tila Pretends To Have an Unauthorized Sex Tape, than she announced Farrah Abraham can have the trophy. She just wants to be known as the World’s Best Mommy:

I want my baby girl to grow up a very strong, and independent woman just like I am, and you know what? I know that she will! My daughter will grow up to be a leader and stand up for all of the people who cannot stand up for themselves. My daughter will be beautiful just like her mama, but at the same time I will raise her to be a humble and loving person who respect herself and others.

That’s some inspirational Mommy of the Year type talk right there. You throw in the Nazi rally cries, the comes and goes schizophrenia and the gaping porn and I’d say it’s a lock. Farrah Abraham places in a distant second. Just like with her staged ass porn. Suck on that Teen Mom, Tila Tequila is your related celebrity nemesis. That has to be disconcerting on so many levels.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tila Tequila Reproduces

By Matt November 18, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

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Turns out, Tila Tequila is still alive. She’s also reproducing. She posted on her blog that she gave birth to a baby girl, which really irritated the general public who by and large assumed she was either dead in a Gainesville motel or well on her way to being dead in a Gainesville motel. Vexing to know that cliche about only the good dying young is actually almost entirely true. In the last couple of years Tila has starved herself down to less than her birth weight, launched herself out of a first floor window, written love poems to Hitler, and produced another porn posing as a celebrity sex tape. It’s amazing she found the time to break into a sperm bank and baste the entire contents of cold storage drawer #7 into her twat. Her baby daddy is one of eighty-seven possible street grifters who sold their spunk to pay for Chipotle. If God is looking down upon this infant, she’ll be abandoned in a Burger King bathroom like that chick in Pennsylvania, raised by a foster family, and not even realize who her real mother is until she’s forty and visits her for the first time in the Old Vietnamese Whores Home.

Photo Credit: Instagram

I Wonder if Tila Tequila Is Still Pregnant

By Lex June 19, 2014 @ 5:46 PM

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What lies within this reproductive sac may just be the ruin of our civilization. But fuck it, who doesn’t get misty eyed when a new life comes into this world. Things aren’t going super smoothly between this apocalyptic reaper’s parental units. Tila has been making claims that Thomas Whitaker wouldn’t make a great father because he’s an unemployed musician and currently being investigated by CPS for the murder of his two children. I’m not sure which is worse. I’d probably let my daughter date a murderer. Whitaker says suggestions he killed his kids are ridiculous since everybody knows where he lives and nobody’s ever come to investigate. Dumb people always manage to back into some decent causality arguments. Whitaker claims that other than some civil judgements and a bankruptcy, his record is completely clean. He should probably add ‘unprotected sex with Tila Tequila’ to that ‘other than’ list.

Tila had been Tweeting nasty racist messages to Whitaker, but it turns out that her Twitter account was hacked by another somebody who just happened to have a personal grudge against Whitaker and knew lots of his personal family details. It’s unclear who’s really at fault here in the dispute, so I’d Solomon this matter by tearing the baby in half. Literally. We can’t let this world burn in hellfire before Hilary Clinton becomes President. She’d be super pissed.

Photo credit: Tila Tequila/Facebook/Instagram