By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 9:53 AM
In the future, real men will claim their innocence on Facebook posts. I guess that’s now. Tom Brady went to great lengths to let somebody fashion a long rebuttal to his four game DeflateGate suspension on his social media feed, normally reserved for showing off how hot his wife is. Everything seems defensible through decent lies except for that cellphone he ordered his assistant to destroy the same day he was being called to testify by the NFL. Though Brady explains this not clearly at all:
I replaced my broken Samsung phone with a new iPhone 6 AFTER my attorneys made it clear to the NFL that my actual phone device would not be subjected to investigation under ANY circumstances. As a member of a union, I was under no obligation to set a new precedent going forward, nor was I made aware at any time during Mr. Wells investigation, that failing to subject my cell phone to investigation would result in ANY discipline.
Even Facebook readers can glean that’s actually not an explanation, just a jumble of words designed to sound tonally like one. Most alarming is the revelation that Brady’s somehow broken Samsung contained over 10,000 texts over just a several months period. If you have a dick and you’re over fourteen, there’s no healthy explanation for rampant daily texting. If nine-thousand turn out to be pleas to his wife for anal, I might allow for the total. We’ll never know now that the cellphone done got broke all accidental like.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt May 07, 2015 @ 8:22 AM
The NFL finally released their report on the ubiquitous and ultimately trivial Deflate Gate and found the Patriots are shady as fuck. The report comes just in time for nobody to give a shit anymore, since the NFL Draft just happened and the NBA Playoffs are in full swing and you’re still allowed to get drunk at baseball games for the time being. Tom Brady was singled out as being either involved or at least aware of deflation going on. The report notes a “material increase” in phone communication between Brady and two equipment managers shortly after the scandal went public. In short, Brady bribed two schlubs to deflate the balls with a few cell phone pics of his wife wasted on Peach Schnapps. The report doesn’t mince words, although stops short of directly accusing the Patriots but letting ownership off the hook because they go to the same golf course:
“We have concluded that it is more probable than not that New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the NFL Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate attempt to circumvent those rules… Based on the evidence, we also have concluded that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities…”
Of course it’s possible Tom Brady often talks to crusty equipment managers via text message yet they still acted alone. The texts don’t look good. Patriots equipment guy Jim McNally, who was born a few years too late for Watergate, sent the following:
“Tom sucks… I’m going to make this next ball a fuckin balloon.”
Look for absolutely nothing to happen in the wake of the report. The Patriots still won the Super Bowl and still make the NFL billions of bitcoins and American dollars. Tom Brady is like a goose that shits golden eggs. You give him a tap on the beak and tell him no cookies for a week. When in doubt, just remind everybody this isn’t even as close to as bad as when Belichick filmed his opponents practices or Aaron Hernandez killed a guy or three during his offseason workouts. Because that’s true!
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt April 02, 2015 @ 7:02 AM
Tom Brady posted a video of himself and his lucky dick cliff jumping into some water so that guys in the greater Boston area can fuck their wives tonight. The first of April is April Fools Day as your friend who you need to stop hanging out with reminds you ever year. In keeping with that tradition and because his wife is cycling and relegated to the North wing of the house, Tom Brady posted a photo of himself in a full body cast following the jump. You should really stop calling him back. Several thousand people were dumb enough to believe him even though the pictures was clearly Photoshopped by Michael J Fox. Tom Brady has it all. Good looks, talent, and a sense of humor. Chicks are liars. Two out of three ain’t bad.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Gisele and Tom Brady own a solid chunk of Coastal Central America now. They orange oiled out all the annoying monkeys so their childcare staff would be safe from rabies. They might also be re-animating fossilized dinosaur bones. You can do stupid shit when you’re filthy rich and you have six months off each year. Gisele announced she’s retiring from runway work after next month’s Fashion Week in Brazil. Tom will be out of the NFL someday. Then things will get tight. Gisele can’t eat any less so look for Tom to pick up some extra dough working swing shift at the mill. Maybe the live-in tailor has to get the talk. Everybody’s got problems.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Matt October 07, 2014 @ 7:21 AM
Tom Brady’s UGG campaign can no longer be ignored. It’s like Ebola. There was a time when it was just a joke. Then just another infected boil on the butt end of Africa. Now, it’s available at Forever 21 stores across America. I’m not going to sit here quietly while Tom Brady starts killing our precious white people with his cynical clothing promotions.
It’s hard to say precisely what makes Tom Brady an appropriate spokesman for fuzzy boots worn by flabby tricep cunts in pajama bottoms at Whole Foods. Perhaps it’s the fact he is the poster child for pussy whipped husbands married to chicks with testosterone coursing through their veins. It seems clear the Patriots offensive line no longer respects Brady. They’ve decided to allow the defense to reach Tom Brady unabated and ass rape him between plays. If you watch closely you can see his own linemen hooting like the men in the pinball room in The Accused rooting on the assault on Jodie Foster. There is a point in every man’s life where he has to choose what is right and wrong. Brady chose wrong.
By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
In a jarringly subtle Fuck You to the American male public, Tom Brady posted his dusty never used resume on Facebook. Brady’s credentials include schlepping coffee with his balls tucked in at Merrill Lynch and hawking golf equipment at a pro shop where he snuck free fountain sodas. Of course Shark Tankers like Giselle Bundchen love their men regardless, but odds are he’d have been shut down whilst presenting this flimsy doc to her at a Marriott wine mixer. For Bundchen, love at first sight happens when you pause flipping channels. Once you Google the chap’s contract and have your publicist arrange a meet and greet your love becomes truly unconditional and is conceived once your in house doctor scans his smelly ween with a black light.
A bad draft combine and Brady ends up as the smiling sales rep with the too high khakis at Ann Arbor Toyota. You’d call your buddy and make fun of him after he up sells you a Tundra. His pudgy wife in tow, Brady would genuinely chomp at the bit to tell you of the addition to his 800 square foot rambler as you signed the papers. Now he wants to rub it in your face that he vacations on clit mountain in Ibiza and the constant grind you’ve been measuring your life on could have been eradicated had you watched 8 Mile before your sophomore football tryouts and stood up straight. Brady got drafted on hustle, and I’m sure he hustled just as hard for those shanked balls. Having drive is good, but only when you become a kick ass NFL quarterback. Otherwise you’re just that overly enthusiastic dude working at the golf course showing irrevocable love to your muffin top fiancee while your boss makes you clean the beer off the carpets.
Photo Credit: Facebook