By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Gisele and Tom Brady own a solid chunk of Coastal Central America now. They orange oiled out all the annoying monkeys so their childcare staff would be safe from rabies. They might also be re-animating fossilized dinosaur bones. You can do stupid shit when you’re filthy rich and you have six months off each year. Gisele announced she’s retiring from runway work after next month’s Fashion Week in Brazil. Tom will be out of the NFL someday. Then things will get tight. Gisele can’t eat any less so look for Tom to pick up some extra dough working swing shift at the mill. Maybe the live-in tailor has to get the talk. Everybody’s got problems.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Matt October 07, 2014 @ 7:21 AM
Tom Brady’s UGG campaign can no longer be ignored. It’s like Ebola. There was a time when it was just a joke. Then just another infected boil on the butt end of Africa. Now, it’s available at Forever 21 stores across America. I’m not going to sit here quietly while Tom Brady starts killing our precious white people with his cynical clothing promotions.
It’s hard to say precisely what makes Tom Brady an appropriate spokesman for fuzzy boots worn by flabby tricep cunts in pajama bottoms at Whole Foods. Perhaps it’s the fact he is the poster child for pussy whipped husbands married to chicks with testosterone coursing through their veins. It seems clear the Patriots offensive line no longer respects Brady. They’ve decided to allow the defense to reach Tom Brady unabated and ass rape him between plays. If you watch closely you can see his own linemen hooting like the men in the pinball room in The Accused rooting on the assault on Jodie Foster. There is a point in every man’s life where he has to choose what is right and wrong. Brady chose wrong.
By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 1:20 PM
In a jarringly subtle Fuck You to the American male public, Tom Brady posted his dusty never used resume on Facebook. Brady’s credentials include schlepping coffee with his balls tucked in at Merrill Lynch and hawking golf equipment at a pro shop where he snuck free fountain sodas. Of course Shark Tankers like Giselle Bundchen love their men regardless, but odds are he’d have been shut down whilst presenting this flimsy doc to her at a Marriott wine mixer. For Bundchen, love at first sight happens when you pause flipping channels. Once you Google the chap’s contract and have your publicist arrange a meet and greet your love becomes truly unconditional and is conceived once your in house doctor scans his smelly ween with a black light.
A bad draft combine and Brady ends up as the smiling sales rep with the too high khakis at Ann Arbor Toyota. You’d call your buddy and make fun of him after he up sells you a Tundra. His pudgy wife in tow, Brady would genuinely chomp at the bit to tell you of the addition to his 800 square foot rambler as you signed the papers. Now he wants to rub it in your face that he vacations on clit mountain in Ibiza and the constant grind you’ve been measuring your life on could have been eradicated had you watched 8 Mile before your sophomore football tryouts and stood up straight. Brady got drafted on hustle, and I’m sure he hustled just as hard for those shanked balls. Having drive is good, but only when you become a kick ass NFL quarterback. Otherwise you’re just that overly enthusiastic dude working at the golf course showing irrevocable love to your muffin top fiancee while your boss makes you clean the beer off the carpets.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Travis November 19, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Back in 2009, Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen were married in Costa Rica, where they tried to enjoy a nice, private wedding ceremony with their friends and family like all extremely wealthy couples ultimately desire. What they didn’t want was a bunch of dickhead paparazzi climbing the fences and trying to sneak pictures of the ceremony and reception, so they had their then-bodyguards, Miguel Solis and Alexander Rivas, making sure that nobody was taking photos. When the pair found two paparazzi snapping pictures, they demanded that they turn over their memory cards, and when they refused, the bodyguards opened fire on their car. Now, according to TMZ, Miguel and Alexander have been sentenced to five years in prison, and this will really only be an important story when one of Tom’s kids goes missing five years and one day from now.
Photo Credit: Getty
By brendon November 05, 2012 @ 1:10 PM
I don’t mean to alarm Tom Brady, but his wife Gisele Bunchen appears to be pregnant. Or maybe he already knew that. Maybe she was on Miami beach yesterday because he wanted her to relax. That would be a very mature reaction to a girl telling you she’s pregnant. Certainly better than mine, which was to open her car door and push her out.
(image source = inf)
By brendon February 06, 2012 @ 12:05 PM
One thing that certainly helped the Giants win the Super Bowl last night was the three dropped passes by Patriots receivers in the fourth quarter. This was not lost on Tom Bradys wife Gisele Bundchen, who of course caught some shit from Giants fans on the way out of the stadium (video on the Insider here).
After they yelled things like “Eli rules” and “Eli owns your husband”, she turned to a friend and said, “they didn’t catch the ball when they were supposed to”, then yelled at the fan:
“My husband can not fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.”
To which Patriot fans replied, “We haven’t wona fahkin Supa Bowl since Tawmmy Brady married tha spic whore, but fa once she has a point otha than that beak onha fahkin face.”
(image source = getty)