By brendon October 24, 2006 @ 3:18 PM

After getting engaged almost a year and a half ago, invitations went out last Friday announcing to family and friends that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get married November 18th in Italy.  Us Magazine says:

… guests were notified to be free the weekend of November 16-19. The couple's rep, Arnold Robinson, confirms the wedding will take place November 18 in Italy–"All those details are correct … proper security measures are being taken" to keep the vows private.

Katie's dress and Tom's suit will both be created by Giorgio Armani.  It's probably too much to hope that he gives them matching silver jumpsuits with a big blue X across the front.  Because they would probably be really flattered that he factored in their insane spaceship-based religion.  And then they could enter the church through a bunch of dry ice smoke and a laser light show and they could play that theme that played in Star Wars when Luke and Han Solo got those medals and the priests first words could be "People of Earth…"  Tom and Katie would be really touched and since it's their big day, I think it would be nice if someone made that happen.

(didn't this skinny bitch have a kid ten minutes ago)


By brendon October 06, 2006 @ 2:02 PM

Stanley Kubrick told his friend R. Lee Ermey that "Eyes Wide Shut" was a "piece of shit" that was ruined by Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.  Ermey's first role was as the drill instructor in Kubrick's "Full Metal Jacket" and the two remained friends until Kubrick's death in 1999.  Ermey says:

"Stanley called me about two weeks before he died, as a matter of fact. We had a long conversation about "Eyes Wide Shut". He told me it was a piece of shit and that he was disgusted with it and that the critics were going to have him for lunch.  He said Cruise and Kidman had their way with him – exactly the words he used.  He was kind of a shy little timid guy. He wasn't real forceful. That's why he didn't appreciate working with big, high-powered actors. They would have their way with him, he would lose control, and his movie would turn to shit."

Tom Cruise?  Controlling?  No, no that can't be right.  There must be some misunderstanding.  Like when my father (the Colonel) thought he could buy my love and get me to work at the firm.  Well no dad, I'm not gonna work at the firm.  I don't want your blood money!  I only care about the dolphins!  And the children!  And, I guess, by extension, the dolphins children.


By brendon October 03, 2006 @ 5:16 PM

Tom Cruise is determined to help Katie Holmes reclaim the movie star body she had before getting pregnant and giving birth to their daughter Suri almost 6 months ago.  Except, replace “determined” and any supportive connotations that may have with the image of Tom calling her a fat ass and making little piggy sounds when she looks at food.  TMZ says:

Tom has become "very concerned" about her appearance these days, and has become directly involved with Katie's workout regimen as a result.  According to sources, Tom is willing to do whatever it takes so his bride-to-be "looks the best that she can walking next to him down the aisle."

That includes “joining her in her workouts” (yelling at her during her workouts) and  “personally booking a babysitter” (not personally booking a babysitter).  In order to look more streamlined, Katie is lifting weights 4-5 times a week, focusing on her shoulders and back.  In order to look more crazy, Tom spends 4-5 days a week monitoring Katie from behind a two way mirror, focusing on tapping his fingers together in a big leather chair and saying “yes, yes my kittens they like the pain”.


By brendon September 19, 2006 @ 6:39 PM

Less than a month ago, Paramount Pictures embarrassed Tom Cruise by not renewing his production deal with the company, a move that was basically seen as Cruise being fired.  Now Paramount may take things even further and replace him in the "Mission : Impossible" franchise with Brad Pitt, one of his biggest rivals.  The Daily Mail says:

(Paramount) is determined to keep the lucrative series alive after "Mission : Impossible III" took $400 million at the box office, with the previous episode taking $545 million … Sources say Paramount is prepared to do whatever it takes to get Pitt on board, and is even willing to make him the highest-paid movie star in history, with a salary topping $40 million … "Everything's being kept top secret, but they're offering Brad a deal no one could possibly refuse. There's no doubt, this would make Brad Pitt the biggest and highest paid star in the world."

I know Brad Pitt is busy chasing chickens around villages and following his sexy wife through enchanted jungles, but if he could make time for this, that would be awesome.  I didn’t win the Nobel Prize in karate because I’m so handsome (although I certainly could have), I won it because I know a little something about kickin ass, and I have to believe Tyler Durden is scarier than Jerry Maguire.  Syrupy love notes and precocious kids are annoying, but they’re not gonna make me hand over this lethal virus.

more after the jump


By brendon September 18, 2006 @ 5:44 AM

A new report alleges that Tom Cruise used a scientology "mob" to physically intimidate the head of Paramount Pictures during contract negotiations on "Mission Impossible III".  Radar Online says:

Paramount Pictures honcho (Brad) Grey had a highly unpleasant run-in with the Church during his tense negotiations with Cruise over Mission: Impossible 3. Grey, who had recently joined the studio, entered the talks determined to make Cruise accept a smaller share of the gross revenues than he had from the first two installments in the franchise. (For those films, the actor reportedly took home an unheard-of 30 percent of the total revenue.) Leaving the office one night, the diminutive Grey, walking to his car in the Paramount lot, suddenly found himself surrounded by more than a dozen Scientologists, who pressured him to ease up on the actor, according to the source.  Following a terse exchange, the visitors allowed Grey to get into his car and leave, but the message was clear.

John Travolta is said to have used similar tactics and tried to bully studio heads into making "Battlefield Earth", a movie based on a book by scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

In the late nineties, John Travolta furiously lobbied reluctant former Fox studio chief Bill Mechanic to produce Battlefield Earth, the science-fiction stinker based on a story by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. "He had Scientologists all over me," Mechanic told Radar last year. "They come up to you and they know who you are."  (He) was unswayed: "Do you think in any way, shape, or form that weirding me out is going to make me want to make this movie?"

There might be a few holes in any plan based on a gang of thugs brought together by their common belief in scientology.  Because scientology is about UFO's.  So these "thugs" are basically Trekkies.  If I ever got cornered by Commander Data and Magneto and Lara Croft, at no point would it ever cross my mind that I was in danger.  In fact I would almost definitely end up giving them candy.


By brendon September 15, 2006 @ 4:09 AM

After getting engaged almost 15 months ago, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get married in the next six weeks, according to various new reports. says:

Katie's close friend, Andrea Burnoutz told US Weekley, "All I really know is that the wedding is soon! They will surprise us all."  Another source said: "It's going to happen in the next three to six weeks."   Tom and Katie's representative Arnold Robinson has confirmed they are planning to tie the knot this northern autumn.  He said: "The wedding is still in the planning stages. They're really excited about it. They have always said they will be married by early autumn, and they are still in that window. They can't wait."

First the adorable Suri pictures, now a lavish wedding!  So much positive news!  And right after Cruise got fired from Paramount!  What a coincidence!