SURI CRUISE IS FREAKIN ADORABLE

By brendon September 06, 2006 @ 3:22 PM

I guess these pictures of Suri Cruise in today’s Vanity Fair could be cuter, but only if there was a baby tiger and a baby panda dressed in little Halloween costumes in the background.  The tiger would be dressed as a pirate and the panda would be a ghost in a sheet with holes cut out for eyes.  And then they went to the house and the person ran out of candy after giving candy to the baby pirate tiger, so the baby ghost panda didn’t get any, so then the baby pirate tiger would share his candy with the baby ghost panda.  Other than that, I think the cuteness is pretty much maxed out.

SURI CRUISE ON VIDEO. SORTA.

By brendon September 06, 2006 @ 2:41 AM

 

I can't stress enough how this is pretty much the exact same thing as before, but now a video camera swoops in and Katie Couric does an annoying voice over as part of her debut last night as the anchorwoman of the CBS Evening News. Ooo, celebrity baby pictures! That's some hard hitting news Katie! You’re bringing respectability back to CBS News already! I hear tomorrow she has an expose on this falls cat fashion show. Are mittens in? What about vests? Don't got to PetSmart until you see Katie’s report!



SURI CRUISE IS AN ASIAN BOY

By brendon September 06, 2006 @ 2:39 AM

The very first picture of Suri Cruise hit the internet last night on the Vanity Fair website.  The issue of Vanity Fair with a 22 page photo essay on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their 5 month old daughter will hit newsstands in New York and Los Angeles today, the rest of the country next Tuesday.  In the issue, Katie opens up about the pressure and scrutiny of the past few months:

"it's been heartbreaking (to see what's being said in the press about her family and her baby).  Some of the crap that's out there, the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings, it's really frustrating the amount of shit that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri?! You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child."

Well, actually we can.  And it's your fault Katie.  Only you two maniacs could make having a baby seem weird and suspicious.  Suri is absolutely beautiful, but you've kept her hidden away like Anne Frank, so now even that's suspect.  She's a little too beautiful.  Her features are a little too perfect, like JackJack in a wig.  She looks like she was born in a lab, and that's … oh … oh, okay, now I get it.  



SURI CRUISE IS IN VANITY FAIR

By brendon September 05, 2006 @ 2:46 PM

Almost five months after her birth to parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, the first pictures of Suri Cruise will be published tomorrow in Vanity Fair.  The Daily Mail says:

The exclusive photos reportedly show baby Suri nestled against Tom's neck as he sleeps. Another is said to show Suri sleeping on the couple's bed, with Katie grinning at the camera.

If this kid doesn't have flippers and a forked tongue, I'm gonna be profoundly disappointed.  Otherwise, what was the big damn deal.  The Daily Mail also says that this will "dispel months of speculation that Suri Cruise does not exist".  Umm, not really.  Having your picture taken with something doesn't make it yours.  I had my picture taken at the zoo one time, I'm pretty sure that doesn't make the commander of some panda bear army.  Or does it… 


TOM CRUISE HAS POWERFUL ALLIES

By brendon August 24, 2006 @ 12:22 PM

The battle lines are being drawn and the fallout from Tom Cruises “firing” from Paramount Studios is just beginning.  The basic drama is this:  Cruise is represented by CAA, a talent agency that right now has a level of power and influence that is almost unmatched in Hollywood history.  Think of a big name in Hollywood and chances are they are represented by CAA.  It's almost impossible to make a big movie without CAA's cooperation.  If CAA blacklists a studio because they feel the studio may damage their clients reputation, a studio has a severely limited roster of talent to chose from.  And now Paramount has insulted one of their biggest clients.  Richard Lovett, the president of CAA, said yesterday:

“Paramount has no credibility right now.  It is not clear who is running the studio and who is making the decisions.”

Cruise will sue Paramount if ownership of the projects currently in development by Cruise/Wagner Productions at Paramount gets ugly.   Cruises lawyer Bert Fields – who has never lost a case – said:

“(Paramount head Sumner Redstone has) lost it completely, or he’s been given breathtakingly bad advice.  That a mogul like Sumner Redstone could make a statement so vicious, so pompous, so petulant as that he didn’t want to make a deal with Tom Cruise because of his personal conduct — it tells you more about Sumner Redstone and Viacom, than about Tom Cruise.”

One thing that Fields did reveal was that he knows nothing of Cruise setting up a 100 million dollar line of credit to leave Paramount and venture out on his own, which Paula Wagner claims has been the plan for Cruise/Wagner Productions all along.  Fields said:

“I don’t think Tom has raised $100 million in a hedge fund.  And I know nothing about any such thing. I think that’s just talk.”

Cruises reaction to getting fired is pretty similar to my reaction the last time I got fired.  Except, instead of hiding behind lawyers and agents, I used my karate to settle the score.  Then I did it with a bunch of models.  On second thought, I guess our reactions weren’t very similar at all.  His was filled with fagocity, mine was totally boss and cool.    
 
 

TOM CRUISE GOT FIRED

By brendon August 23, 2006 @ 4:25 AM

Citing Tom Cruise’s increasingly strange behavior, Sumner Redstone – the Chairman of Viacom, which owns Paramount Pictures – said that Paramount was ending its 14 year relationship with Cruise.  Paramount will no longer be the home of Cruise-Wagner Productions, the company Cruise founded with his manager that produced the three "Mission: Impossible" movies, "Without Limits", "Shattered Glass" and "The Last Samurai", among others.   The final straw is thought to have come after "Mission Impossible III" performed beneath expectations at the box office.  Many feel Cruises strange behavior and unorthodox beliefs were to blame.  Redstone said:

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal.  His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.”

I know everyone is gonna blame scientology for his insanity except Tom, but Tom better hope scientology is to blame.  Otherwise he’s just a damn lunatic.  If its not the scientology, then he was hit by lightning or has a grapefruit sized tumor in his brain pressing up against whatever it is that normally stops people from making a constant ass out of themselves.