Tom Hanks Is Better Than You

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks recently befriended a New York cab driver named Ferrarri and invited him backstage to a Broadway performance because Tom Hanks is super fucking nice. The driver picked up Hanks, struck up a conversation with him, and apparently succeeded in not completely creeping him out with his heavily accented talk of buried dead whores. Over the next few weeks Ferrarii picked up various people who know Hanks and exchanged numbers with a few of them. One of these people, my guess is Hanks public relations manager, randomly texted Ferrarri and asked if he wanted to attend the show. Hanks was happy to host the driver and his wife, and the two no doubt will enjoy a budding friendship for years to come whenever Hanks is hammered on good scotch and needs a ride somewhere.

All you young Hollywood types out there take note. Hanks is cooler and more successful than you’ll ever be and is super fucking much nicer than you. You don’t have to be a selfish infantile prick to make it in Hollywood. Naturally, it helps, but after Hanks  goes, the gods will need a new exception to the rule. Take a chance at being nice to random foreigners. It might just be you.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Tom Hanks said “f**k” on Good Morning America

By brendon October 19, 2012 @ 10:59 AM








Everyone thinks Tom Hanks is soooo great and likable, but he showed his true colors on Good Morning America today. After being prompted to do the voice of one of the many characters he plays in ‘Cloud Atlas’ (probably this gangster/dick in the box character), Hanks said “fuckin”.

On live TV. With innocent families watching. And now kids everywhere are all saying “fuckin” because Tom Hanks made it seem cool.

Not only that, but here he is on the wall during the terrorist attack of the American embassy in Egypt. When are we gonna open our eyes and realize that Tom Hanks is an enemy of the United States.

Kate Upton is better with bikinis, Tom Hanks

By brendon October 12, 2012 @ 2:05 PM

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These pictures of Kate Upton and her miraculous boobs are from the GQ shoot she did with hack photographer Terry Richardson, but he’s a creepy douche who always puts himself in a picture with the model doing his stupid thumbs up thing.

So instead of letting him ruin more Kate Upton pictures, for this, jackass has been replaced by beloved Hollywood icon Tom Hanks. Hey, whats goin on, Tom Hanks! Lookin good buddy!

Tom Hanks is easily bought

By brendon October 09, 2012 @ 2:46 PM

tom_hanks_typewriter_letter

Movie stars like Tom Hanks are rich and everyone kisses their ass, so if you want one of them to do you a favor, you have to be creative. Nerdist wanted Hanks to do their podcast, so they got a 1934 Smith Corona typewriter (sorta like this), typed up an invitation, then sent the invitation and typewriter to Hanks. Because I guess he’s into typewriters or something.

And it worked. He typed this letter back and said yes.

You have to be careful when you do this kind of thing however. Amanda Seyfried likes taxidermy for example, but you can’t just send her a dead fox and a note that says, “You two foxes belong together.” Oohh no, according to that cock-blockin judge, that’s “threatening”.

Tom Hanks will love you till da break of dawn, girl

By brendon July 27, 2012 @ 2:41 PM

tom_hanks_cloud_atlas

‘Cloud Atlas’, directed by Tom Tykwer of ‘Run Lola Run’ and Andy and Lana Wachowski (who used to be Larry Wachowski) of the Matrix trilogy, has it’s first trailer (HD here) starring Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, and Hugh Grant in a number of different roles as characters in different lifetimes.

So Hanks is not just a guy telling you to look in the box in front of his dick, he’s also the guy from Cast Away again, van Gogh or something, and a scientist with a prosthetic nose.

Bree Olson slept with another really famous actor

By brendon July 19, 2011 @ 8:14 PM

bree_olsen_playboy

Bree Olson was on a radio station in her hometown of Fort Wayne, Indiana, yesterday, and during the absolutely scintillating interview (audio clip here), she reveled that Charlie Sheen isn’t the only famous actor she’s had sex with. Not only was there someone else equally famous, but according to her he’s won multiple Academy Awards.

HOST: And was Charlie Sheen the only celebrity that you’ve ever dated?
BREE: Dated? Yes.
HOST: Hooked up with?
BREE: I mean, you know, yes, but, man, if it got back, it would just be, I’m not the kiss and tell kind of girl, I will say he’s gotten a few Oscars and he’s been in quite a few blockbusters, recent ones as well.

HOST: Is this like a private jet flying celebrity, or is this like a first class on a regular plane celebrity?
BREE: A private, private jet. I mean we’re talking nice jet. One of the nicest jets I’ve been on for sure.

At first I thought it might be Kevin Costner, because he has 2 Oscars and allegedly had sex with porn star Holly Sampson, but unless Bree reads the trades everyday and knows that Costner is in the new Superman movie and the new Quentin Tarantino movie, he hasn’t done anything recently. Same with Mel Gibson (who also has a thing for porn stars).

Assuming she means the guy won multiple awards for acting, there isn’t a real long list to chose from.  There’s Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, Robert De Niro, Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, and Denzel Washington.

When you look at it like that, there’s one obvious name that really jumps out. Tom Hanks. I think we all know it’s Tom Hanks.  The perv.

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