Chester Hanks Threatens to Assault Howard Stern

By Lex April 02, 2015 @ 12:23 PM

Chet Haze AKA Chester Hanks Threatens Howard Stern Embarrasses Dad
Imagine being Tom Hanks kid. Everybody loves your dad. You hear it every fucking day. Either dad is an asshole at home and nobody gets it. Or he’s just as fucking endearing as everybody thinks and that’s even worse. I’d probably ignite shit on fire as soon as I could work matches. Hanks’ youngest son Chester acted out by labeling himself a rapper by the name of Chet Haze. Howard Stern rips on him from time to time for just the obvious reasons. Chet decided to physically threaten Howard Stern slash beg to to be on his show, because he’s both original gangster but also has fifteen years of private school under his belt and knows how the entrainment industry works.

Do you have any idea how badly I am going to assault you when I see you… You can’t run from me forever knock knees… Listen. One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe 10 years from now, I am going to see you in person, and I am going to hurt you. I hope you travel with security!!! PLEASE have me on the show… it’s a shame you don’t hang in the same circles as my family (not enough bread for that) cuz if you did I woulda already seen u.”

This is one of those weird situations where you want to annoy the angry shit trying to get attention, at the same time he just might be desperately crazy enough to do something actually idiotic. You see it with the soft-born rappers all the time, living in their imaginary street cred world. I wouldn’t take any chances if I were Stern. I’d just have this kid put down in his sleep. It’d have to be discreet, but dad would probably cover half the cost. He’s just that nice.

Chet Haze AKA Chester Hanks Threatens Howard Stern Embarrasses Dad

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tom Hanks Is Better Than You

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks recently befriended a New York cab driver named Ferrarri and invited him backstage to a Broadway performance because Tom Hanks is super fucking nice. The driver picked up Hanks, struck up a conversation with him, and apparently succeeded in not completely creeping him out with his heavily accented talk of buried dead whores. Over the next few weeks Ferrarii picked up various people who know Hanks and exchanged numbers with a few of them. One of these people, my guess is Hanks public relations manager, randomly texted Ferrarri and asked if he wanted to attend the show. Hanks was happy to host the driver and his wife, and the two no doubt will enjoy a budding friendship for years to come whenever Hanks is hammered on good scotch and needs a ride somewhere.

All you young Hollywood types out there take note. Hanks is cooler and more successful than you’ll ever be and is super fucking much nicer than you. You don’t have to be a selfish infantile prick to make it in Hollywood. Naturally, it helps, but after Hanks  goes, the gods will need a new exception to the rule. Take a chance at being nice to random foreigners. It might just be you.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Tom Hanks said “f**k” on Good Morning America

By brendon October 19, 2012 @ 10:59 AM

Everyone thinks Tom Hanks is soooo great and likable, but he showed his true colors on Good Morning America today. After being prompted to do the voice of one of the many characters he plays in ‘Cloud Atlas’ (probably this gangster/dick in the box character), Hanks said “fuckin”.

On live TV. With innocent families watching. And now kids everywhere are all saying “fuckin” because Tom Hanks made it seem cool.

Not only that, but here he is on the wall during the terrorist attack of the American embassy in Egypt. When are we gonna open our eyes and realize that Tom Hanks is an enemy of the United States.

Kate Upton is better with bikinis, Tom Hanks

By brendon October 12, 2012 @ 2:05 PM


These pictures of Kate Upton and her miraculous boobs are from the GQ shoot she did with hack photographer Terry Richardson, but he’s a creepy douche who always puts himself in a picture with the model doing his stupid thumbs up thing.

So instead of letting him ruin more Kate Upton pictures, for this, jackass has been replaced by beloved Hollywood icon Tom Hanks. Hey, whats goin on, Tom Hanks! Lookin good buddy!

Tom Hanks is easily bought

By brendon October 09, 2012 @ 2:46 PM


Movie stars like Tom Hanks are rich and everyone kisses their ass, so if you want one of them to do you a favor, you have to be creative. Nerdist wanted Hanks to do their podcast, so they got a 1934 Smith Corona typewriter (sorta like this), typed up an invitation, then sent the invitation and typewriter to Hanks. Because I guess he’s into typewriters or something.

And it worked. He typed this letter back and said yes.

You have to be careful when you do this kind of thing however. Amanda Seyfried likes taxidermy for example, but you can’t just send her a dead fox and a note that says, “You two foxes belong together.” Oohh no, according to that cock-blockin judge, that’s “threatening”.

Tom Hanks will love you till da break of dawn, girl

By brendon July 27, 2012 @ 2:41 PM


‘Cloud Atlas’, directed by Tom Tykwer of ‘Run Lola Run’ and Andy and Lana Wachowski (who used to be Larry Wachowski) of the Matrix trilogy, has it’s first trailer (HD here) starring Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, and Hugh Grant in a number of different roles as characters in different lifetimes.

So Hanks is not just a guy telling you to look in the box in front of his dick, he’s also the guy from Cast Away again, van Gogh or something, and a scientist with a prosthetic nose.