Snowpiercer is the story of a post-apocalyptic America in which all of the survivors live on a gigantic train that just keeps circling the globe because everything else is covered in ice and too cold for humans. Except for Arizona, probably, because that place is always a fiery hell. But just like any good future, the poor are separated from the rich and reminded how awful they are until Chris Evans finds an ax and an Asian guy and they start fucking all of the wealthy people up.
I wonder if Chris used to tell the other actors on the set of Not Another Teen Movie that one day he’d be a huge action movie star and how hard that dorky white kid who pretended to be Asian laughed at him before they both wondered what Chyler Leigh looked like naked.
This is not exactly new but after seeing the ‘War Horse’ trailer, it’s a nice reminder that some movies are still exciting and original as opposed to Speilbergs by-the-numbers exploitative bullshit.
‘The Raid’ is about a police, um, well, raid on a criminal safe house in the slums of Jakarta. Suffice to say it doesn’t go very well. This is getting a Hollywood re-make that will no doubt suck because I don’t think it’s even legal to shoot actors in the face with stunt guns anymore (mostly because of this) like they do at the 1:05 mark. But in India they don’t give a fuck. That’s the advantage of working with actors who believe in reincarnation.
(slightly better copy here. This was directed by Gareth Evans btw, who first made a name for himself with the completely awesome ‘Merantau’. Here’s that trailer. Please note the 1:54 mark, when they don’t even bother with fight choreography anymore and just start crippling people set to music.)
‘War Horse’ has a new full length trailer out today (HD copies here), and I just want to say once again that Steven Speilberg can go fuck himself. I’ll admit that this worked on me but only because I’m a malleable simpleton, not because it’s a good movie. Here’s the plot:
ACT 1: A boy has a horse that he loves very much. ACT 2: Speilberg spends 2 hours threatening to kill it. ACT 3: He doesn’t. Or maybe he does. “Ooo, look, I’m taking the audience on an emotional roller coaster.” No, you’re not. You’re just a manipulative dick.
I bet there was only one storyboard to map out this entire movie and it looked like this. That’s supposed to be an Academy Award in Spielbergs hand, by the way, but I can’t draw so it sorta looks like the NBA trophy or a butt plug, which may or may not be a part of Hollywood pitch meetings for all I know. Also you could argue that it wasn’t necessary to include a Star of David on his hat. Things got a little bigoted there at the end.
My first thought when I heard that they were doing another ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie, this time as an origin story with James Franco and Freida Pinto, was that I really really really really really want to fuck Freida Pinto. My second thought was that this movie sounded dumb. But then the teaser trailer looked terrific, and now the full trailer looks even better (embed copy here, HD copies here). I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was to train the monkeys to glare and throw hammers and do all those stunts and stuff. James Francos medicine isn’t real is it? Is that how they did it? Damn you James Franco, you’ve doomed us all! You’ve made the monkeys bullet-proof super geniuses!
Wait what? Oh, they’re not bullet proof? Oh. Well then I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.