The cultural abomination Two and a Half Men is over after twelve painful seasons. Fans of the show had hoped Charlie Sheen would return for the finale and also that they’d be allowed some extra warm milk tonight. Sheen’s character had been killed off years ago but the final episode explained he’d actually been held captive by his widow for four years, at which point he escaped and was nearly hit by a train but his life was saved by a goat. If this sounds fucking horrible you’ve never seen the show. Arnold Schwartzenegger made an appearance as a police officer and harassed some women backstage. Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator, wrote himself into the script and was smashed by a piano as he said “Winning” and your grandpa pulled the plug on your grandma. August T Jones, who played the fat kid, had previously denounced the show because he’s in a religious cult but made an appearance because Carl’s Jr. doesn’t accept Jesus parables in lieu of cash anymore. The show has always been highly rated among what’s left of the broadcast television audience. Primarily the catatonic and people too lazy to masturbate. I’m hoping it won’t go into syndication and America can wash its hands of this unfortunate period. Unfortunately there’s a lot of channels. Cover your mouth.
Eventually, every show on television will be about funny, well-adjusted, compassionate gay people showing straight people how stupid and hypocritical they are. Yeah, once in a while this will mean a show with two reasonably hot chicks making out, but for the most part, it’s just going to be an endless not so subtle attempt by Hollywood to make gay people much more awesome than non-gay people. Personally, I could care less about gay pendulums swinging, setting examples for the children, or the role of media in defining our cultural norms, I just want to see some tits on basic cable before the Good Lord calls me home. Can somebody start working on this civil rights travesty?
Angus Jones, the little kid from ‘Two and a Half Men’, tells something called Voice of Prophecy that the only half man we should have in our lives is our lord and savior Jesus Christ (that works better if you pretend he was sawed in half instead of crucified).
“If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men and I don’t want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. People say it’s just entertainment. Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch.”
I really don’t think that’s true. Who would call that show entertainment?
“If I am doing any harm, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be contributing to the enemy’s plan. … You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can’t. I’m not OK with what I’m learning, what the Bible says and being on that television show.”
You may have already guessed this, but “the enemy” is Satan. And according to this, his plan is for you to watch sitcom on CBS. He’s clearly scaled his ambitions back a little since the stuff in the bible about enslaving humanity.
During Charlie Sheens meltdown last year, the most frequent target of his public abuse was Chuck Lorre, the creator of ‘Two And A Half Men’.
Basically, Sheen thought Lorre was an idiot and that the show would be better if everyone would just listen to him. He said, “I’m dealing with fools and trolls,” and “I got magic and poetry in my fingertips,” and “C’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”(1)
Well now Sheen has ‘Anger Management’. He helped create it, he’s the producer, and the opening scene in last nights premiere showed him at the peak of his creative power:
“Management” opens on a tight shot of Charlie on an angry rant … saying, “YOU CAN’T FIRE ME, I QUIT!!”(2)
“You want to replace me with some other guy? Go ahead! It won’t be the same! You think I’m losing! I’m not! I’m … anyway, you get the idea.”
When the camera pulls out, it reveals Charlie is only taking out his anger on an inflatable punching bag.
Ahhh. Do you get it? The whole time you assumed he was in Chuck Lorres office, beating him to death, and the camera would pull back and he’d be covered in blood and begging for mercy. It’s a classic comedy bit (‘The Cosby Show’ and ‘Seinfeld’ also opened with the lead character in an anti-Semitic rage) but it was all a trick; Charlie fooled us with his comedy!
Hopefully you didn’t miss it on account of being either Chuck Lorre (and you were pouting) or a girl that used to date Charlie Sheen (and that POV brought back bad memories of him getting drunk and giving you a few Irish kisses so you spent last night hugging your knees and rocking back and forth in the bathtub).
Replacing the lead actor on a successful show can be tricky, but so far CBS has done pretty well in replacing Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher on ‘Two and a Half Men’. Despite being way down from the 28 million people who watched Kutchers debut, the rating for Mondays episode still pulled in almost 14.8 million viewers. An average episode last season with Sheen averaged around 12.7 million. When Sheen heard this, he ran the blade of a knife across the palm of his hand, clinched a fist as blood dripped onto a picture of Kutcher and vowed revenge.
For the most part, working in Hollywood is just like working anywhere else. All people really want is to go to work, do their job the best they can, and then go home. Which is why it should come as no surprise that the crew of ‘Two And A Half Men’ prefer working with dullard Ashton Kutcher over, um, “fun loving” Charlie Sheen.
Here’s what two of Sheen’s old worker-bees had to say:
“[Ashton] is really a nice guy. Just a nice guy. And he’s OK on set. He gets the job done—that’s what we all want.”
“He’s just not as funny as Charlie. Not that we’d want Charlie back if you doubled our salaries.”
You hear that?
The guys (and gals) who were having trouble paying their mortgages during one of Sheen’s notorious AWOL meltdowns, do not—repeat—do not want him back.
They are very, very clear about that.
But they also freely volunteer that the show, in their veteran opinions, “just isn’t the same anymore,” and that they find Sheen’s substitute to be more of a “safe replacement.”
Uh, yeah, put me squarely on Ashtons side for this one. If I’m a gaffer on that show, I’d much rather be home by 5 than to have Charlie regaling me with why there’s a nail through his dick at midnight.