Tyler Perry Hooks Up Oprah

By Matt February 20, 2015 @ 6:36 AM


Straight as Cupid’s arrow Tyler Perry threw a Christening for his three month old manually conceived son and gave him three Godparents including Oprah and some old guy and I think dead Rock Hudson. It’s unclear if Oprah is in Perry’s trifecta of trustworthy adults or if there’s some marketing at play. That being said if you have a chance to have your kid UPSed to Oprah once you bite the dust just put a gun in your mouth now. We’re talking Yale. Perry had a plethora of musical guests perform including Bill Withers and Jennifer Hudson. Everyone had a great time except the kid who is still trying to figure out how many daddies he has. There’s the new rich old guy and the one who leaves in the morning.

Perry posted a review of the event on Facebook in which he thanked Oprah repeatedly but not his wife or purported mother of the child. In fact she is absent in all photos since the deferred payment waterfall kicked in. Perry and Oprah will now mold the kid into a Manchurian candidate in the form of a lobbyist who presses congress to ban non-transgendered comedies. With any luck their audiences will remain culturally retarded well into the future at which point they’ll hit the cryo lab and leave this little fucker to roam the Florida panhandle searching for his real father and bequeathing various mansions to his inherited Pomeranian.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Tyler Perry To Create Mini Beard

By Matt September 26, 2014 @ 9:10 AM

Tyler Perry’s girlfriend is pregnant and about to give birth to something which could theoretically prove he is straight. Gelila Berkele is a model active in charitable causes such as getting clean water to Africans and dating flamboyant filmmaker types looking to appease their deeply homophobic fan base. Instead of gays queening up their lifestyle in everyone’s face, Perry’s fans think husband on husband blowjobs should be done tastefully in a church basement followed by deep prayer and lamentations for the weakness of the flesh. As a matter of objective taste, Tyler Perry’s fans are fucking retarded. You could argue with me, but you’d be arguing against science. I’ve seen the studies.

Perry will break up with his cover story girl when her contract expires and tote the kid around on Oprah as evidence his dick has been near a woman. This should allow him the opportunity to make the same cross-dressing laugh an hour domestic abuse fifteen to twenty more times before he’s arrested for soliciting prostitution by a cop in an airport bathroom. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There is so much wrong with Tyler Perry movies.

Tyler Perry Owns WWJD

By Matt July 08, 2014 @ 7:19 AM


In keeping with the war he has waged on all things reasonably entertaining, Tyler Perry won his battle to trademark the tired phrase, What Would Jesus Do. Perry didn’t actually create the slogan, but he fought to own it just the same. Perry won his battle against reality day player Kimberly Poprah Kearney who is apparently the only other person with shitty enough taste to want to earn off a motivational poster slogan as lifeless and idiotic as What Would Jesus Do. Perry plans to use his new catchphrase to market more of his repetitive projects filled with stock characters and slapstick domestic violence. I don’t know what Jesus Would Do, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be claiming to own station wagon bumper sticker shtick he didn’t invent in the first place.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Dominic Monaghan says Matthew Fox beats women

By brendon May 30, 2012 @ 11:12 AM


Dominic Monaghan was having a seemingly routine Q and A with fans on twitter when a girl asked him to say hi to ‘Lost’ co-star Matthew Fox. And in a sense, that’s what he did.

FAN: Holla at Matthew Fox and tell him to get a twitter I beg of you.
MONAGHAN: He beats women. No thanks. (1)

FAN: I know it was wrong but what?! What about all those good times you had together?!
MONAGHAN: How do you know we ever did? You don’t know either of us. He beats women. Not isolated incidents. Often. Not interested. (2)

FAN: Spreading an accusation that EVEN eww-TMZ didn’t make… How classy. Hope Matthew Fox sues you for defamation.
MONAGHAN: An accusation is when you “claim” someone did something wrong. I know. But hey little fan girl maybe want to get slapped.
MONAGHAN: And it’s very difficult to sue someone for speaking the truth. (3, 4, 5)

Fox hasn’t responded yet but he better because any guy who hits girls is a complete piece of shit and beneath contempt. Unless that guy is dating Cameron Diaz, in which case it’s really none of our business. Why is everyone such a little busy-body these days.

(images from ‘Alex Cross’, starring Madea as Cross, the character first played by Morgan Freeman, and Fox as Trite Antagonist In A Serial Killer Movie)

morning headlines

By brendon February 01, 2011 @ 12:20 PM


CHRIS EVANS – is on the cover of the new issue of Empire, and only a country as bad ass as America could have a superhero like this. What would the French one be, some pedophile in a smock holding a baguette? You can suck it, France! (empire)

RICKY GERVAIS – has been asked to host the Golden Globes again next year, because the ratings were up again, but doesn’t think he should because he doesn’t think the show could have been any better. Here’s a suggestion: trap doors for the losers. (hollywood reporter)

TYLER PERRY – is famous for playing a sassy old lady, but now he’ll play the lead in I, Alex Cross, the character originally played by Morgan Freeman in the movies Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider. I have to assume the producer agreed to this while duct taped to a chair and with Perrys agent forcing the pen in to his hand. That dude is a good agent! (variety)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX – may unretire to play the mentor in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, with Benjamin Walker playing Lincoln. Rule 1 with vampire hunting: just go out there and have fun. (deadline)