If you had told me five years ago that the then brand new Tyra Banks talk show would still be around in 2009, I would have punched you in the stomach then tattled on you for being mean to me. But there she was today, showing off her “real hair” while her studio audience of unemployed loners hooted and hollered as if something were actually happening.
Presumably this episode talked about how women can look good naturally, although you’re forgiven if you missed that point because naturally Tyra looks like complete fucking hell. No one tipped the camera on its side so it could fit her entire forehead into the shot, so depending on what weird face she’s making, she either looks like a Klingon or some kind of light bulb character you might see in a commercial for the electric company.
The first 10 winners of "Americas Next Top Model" need no introduction, so I won't introduce them. They’re all household names at this point, so it would be a waste of my time and yours to name these very successful models. But will this assembly line of top talent continue? Lets find out…
After two days of glowing headlines for the CW, you just knew everybody's favorite hard-luck network was going to have a change of fortune: Despite the CW's stellar start this week with the return of "Gossip Girl" and unveiling of "90210," Wednesday night's "America’s Next Top Model" premiere was the lowest-rated in the network’s history. The two-hour "Top Model" premiere (3.5 million viewers, 1.7 preliminary adults 18-49 rating and a 5 share) was down 11% from last February's cycle, and down 32% from last September in the adult demo. Among the network's 18-34 demo (1.9/6), the drops were steeper. It marks the lowest-rated premiere since the show debuted in 2003 on UPN.
It's hard not to notice that ever since this dumb ass show came on, America has gotten it's ass kicked at modeling. Basically we have Marissa Miller, and that’s about it. The rest are all Brazilian, Aussie, German, Dutch or English. Tyras fat ass has ruined everything, although I must confess I am partially responsible. I leave all the American models so sexually satisfied, it’s hard for them to ever feel joy again once I’m gone. In fact I heard Kate died. Jill is a prostitute in Japan.
Us magazine has confirmed the rumors that this season of Americas Next Top Model will feature a transgender contestant. Oh that’s right baby. One of the 14 girls is a guy, pretending to be a girl. Us says…
"My cards were dealt differently," Isis, a 22-year-old former receptionist, tells Us Weekly exclusively in its new issue, on newsstands now. Hailing from Prince George's County, Maryland, Isis identifies herself as "a woman born physically male." Will she be a role model? "I like to help people, but I'm here to follow my dreams," she tells Us. The inclusion of Isis is being hailed by GLAAD president Neil Giuliano as "an unprecedented opportunity for a community that is underrepresented on television. "We applaud Tyra Banks and The CW for making this historic visibility of transgender people possible," Giuliano said.
Whatever. This dude needs therapy, not a modeling contract. Thinking you’re a woman is no different than thinking your Jesus or a vampire. Knock it off jackass. Or at least don’t expect me to play along with your creepy fantasy. The voices in your head can address you as whatever they want, but I feel no obligation to abide by titles given to you by your insane delusions.
Tyra Banks outdid herself when it comes to insane proclamations on last nights "Americas Top Model" when she prepared the girls for a shoot as homeless urchins by saying she knows what it's like to be homeless because she pretended to be homeless one day as a bit for her talk show. You really need to have seen that episode to appreciate the insanity of that statement. There are a bunch of clips after the jump, but look for these highlights:
1) It's at least 75 degrees outside, as everyone else is wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts, yet Tyra has on flannel shirts and a hoodie and some very expensive Wolverine boots and those fingerless gloves like you see bums wearing on the Simpson’s. They don’t show her warming her hands over a barrel fire and chasing a chicken, but only because that might have looked racist. Homeless Ranking: 1 out of 10. She looks homeless like the mascot for Notre Dame looks Irish. It would be like asking a sexy nurse in a strip club how long you have to live.
2) She says she "gets lucky" and finally finds a public bathroom where she can clean up, explaining that this is how real homeless people bathe. Please note the very nice gold trimmed mirror and the unlocked inventory of Coke and Snapple all around her. Either that’s a magic bathroom that makes Snapple and the manger hasn’t yet discovered this enchanted inventory-supplying toilet, or it's not really a public bathroom homeless people would be allowed to use like a fountain. Then Tyra cries at the misery of the human condition she’s witnessing first hand. It's true … there was no Diet Peach Snapple. Homeless Ranking: -3 out of 10. She loses points for not chewing half a cigar and not having all of her possessions in a red bandana on a stick.
3) She talks to two kids on the street by introducing herself as Tyra, which is unnecessary as they clearly recognize her. Because it's Tyra Banks. And not Tyra Banks in no makeup, but Tyra Banks in professionally applied homeless makeup. One of the two kids points out a crack pipe and says it must be on the ground because whoever was using it got scared by Tyras camera crew. Homeless Ranking - this number hasn’t been invented yet out of 10.
Tyra Banks has reportedly worn so many wigs and weaves over the years that her real hair is fucked up beyond repair, and now she has to wear wigs and weaves all the time whether she likes it or not. And because of this, she won't spend the night with a new guy because she's scared of what he'll do when he sees her as she really is. A source who is me said, "hahahahah, hahahahah." A different source said:
"Tyra is a confident woman for the most part, but she is really insecure about her hair. She doesn't want any guy to see her without her wigs or hair extensions. "Tyra feels like guys are with her for her image that they see on TV and in magazines. If one wakes up without her glamorous hair, she's worried he may not call back!"
Confident my ass. Tyra is a fuckin basket case. She did an entire episode of her stupid talk show to pout after someone said she was fat, and she told men to kiss her fat ass because they and the media force women to live up up to some impossible standard of beauty. Pictures of Tyra Banks in Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret are exhibit A when defining the impossible standard of beauty women are forced to live up to but that didn't stop her from whining. She'll probably complain about this too, which is wrong because wigs are incredibly useful. Or if you know some other way to dress like a girl and sneak into a sorority house and start a panty pillow fight, I'm all ears Dr. Genius.
Tyra Banks spent an entire hour of her show last week talking about the vagina, in a ground breaking episode called "What's Up Down There". I say "groundbreaking" because they said "groundbreaking", but "Pussymans House Party 17" spent over 4 hours talking about the vagina, and I don't see them bragging about it. This clip is filled with Tyras typical pattern of treating the audience like their all unfrozen cavemen. They have a vagina puppet just in case none of the women there have ever seen one. Tyra says it looks like a stuffed animal, and I may or may not have humped several stuffed animals, that's not really the point, but I can say unequivocally that Tyra is a god damn liar. It's not clear why the women need to have their vaginas pointed out and explained to them, but I assume it has something to do with them being retarded. No one brought a puppet to my house to explain my penis when I was a kid, but the first time I saw it I sorta went with it and assumed it was supposed to be there and it was doing whatever it was meant to be doing correctly. I didn't attack it with my shoe and call the cops. This will apparently be news to Tyra.
