Tyra Banks outdid herself when it comes to insane proclamations on last nights "Americas Top Model" when she prepared the girls for a shoot as homeless urchins by saying she knows what it's like to be homeless because she pretended to be homeless one day as a bit for her talk show. You really need to have seen that episode to appreciate the insanity of that statement. There are a bunch of clips after the jump, but look for these highlights:

1) It's at least 75 degrees outside, as everyone else is wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts, yet Tyra has on flannel shirts and a hoodie and some very expensive Wolverine boots and those fingerless gloves like you see bums wearing on the Simpson’s.  They don’t show her warming her hands over a barrel fire and chasing a chicken, but only because that might have looked racist. 
Homeless Ranking: 1 out of 10.  She looks homeless like the mascot for Notre Dame looks Irish.  It would be like asking a sexy nurse in a strip club how long you have to live. 

2)  She says she "gets lucky" and finally finds a public bathroom where she can clean up, explaining that this is how real homeless people bathe.  Please note the very nice gold trimmed mirror and the unlocked inventory of Coke and Snapple all around her.  Either that’s a magic bathroom that makes Snapple and the manger hasn’t yet discovered this enchanted inventory-supplying toilet, or it's not really a public bathroom homeless people would be allowed to use like a fountain.  Then Tyra cries at the misery of the human condition she’s witnessing first hand.  It's true … there was no Diet Peach Snapple.
Homeless Ranking: -3 out of 10.  She loses points for not chewing half a cigar and not having all of her possessions in a red bandana on a stick.

3) She talks to two kids on the street by introducing herself as Tyra, which is unnecessary as they clearly recognize her.  Because it's Tyra Banks.  And not Tyra Banks in no makeup, but Tyra Banks in professionally applied homeless makeup.  One of the two kids points out a crack pipe and says it must be on the ground because whoever was using it got scared by Tyras camera crew. 
Homeless Ranking - this number hasn’t been invented yet out of 10.



Tyra Banks has reportedly worn so many wigs and weaves over the years that her real hair is fucked up beyond repair, and now she has to wear wigs and weaves all the time whether she likes it or not.  And because of this, she won't spend the night with a new guy because she's scared of what he'll do when he sees her as she really is.  A source who is me said, "hahahahah, hahahahah."  A different source said:

"Tyra is a confident woman for the most part, but she is really insecure about her hair. She doesn't want any guy to see her without her wigs or hair extensions.
"Tyra feels like guys are with her for her image that they see on TV and in magazines. If one wakes up without her glamorous hair, she's worried he may not call back!"

Confident my ass.  Tyra is a fuckin basket case.  She did an entire episode of her stupid talk show to pout after someone said she was fat, and she told men to kiss her fat ass because they and the media force women to live up up to some impossible standard of beauty.  Pictures of Tyra Banks in Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret are exhibit A when defining the impossible standard of beauty women are forced to live up to but that didn't stop her from whining.  She'll probably complain about this too, which is wrong because wigs are incredibly useful.  Or if you know some other way to dress like a girl and sneak into a sorority house and start a panty pillow fight, I'm all ears Dr. Genius.

Tyra Banks spent an entire hour of her show last week talking about the vagina, in a ground breaking episode called "What's Up Down There". I say "groundbreaking" because they said "groundbreaking", but "Pussymans House Party 17" spent over 4 hours talking about the vagina, and I don't see them bragging about it. This clip is filled with Tyras typical pattern of treating the audience like their all unfrozen cavemen. They have a vagina puppet just in case none of the women there have ever seen one. Tyra says it looks like a stuffed animal, and I may or may not have humped several stuffed animals, that's not really the point, but I can say unequivocally that Tyra is a god damn liar. It's not clear why the women need to have their vaginas pointed out and explained to them, but I assume it has something to do with them being retarded. No one brought a puppet to my house to explain my penis when I was a kid, but the first time I saw it I sorta went with it and assumed it was supposed to be there and it was doing whatever it was meant to be doing correctly. I didn't attack it with my shoe and call the cops. This will apparently be news to Tyra. 

You have to be pretty arrogant to wear a dress like Tyra Banks did to Fridays Daytime Emmy Awards.  She actually put this on and decided she was hot.  I would absolutely just walk backwards and get back in the car and drive away if my date ever appeared looking like this.  Needless to say Tyra didn't win anything.  Because she's a manic retard.  If you could get a close-up of her brain, instead of an owl with glasses and a graduation cap, you'd see a monkey driving in circles on a mini-bike and hear some crazy circus music.



God you chicks are so gay.  Every single one of you is two drinks away from going full blown gay.  Look at the way Tyra is caressing her friends cheek and gazing into the others ones eyes.  I've had sex that wasn't even remotely this intimate.  What?  What do you mean, yeah right, when did you have sex?  What are you, my biographer?  You in the CIA now?  Leave me alone you guys.  (uhq here)



Ten years ago, Tyra Banks became the first black model to appear alone on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and now Banks has returned to the Bahamas to recreate that famous shoot, even wearing the same red polka dot bikini.  Except not really.  Tyra said yesterday:

"They covered the sides of my chest so that it wasn't so much hangin' out. And they put some extenders on the sides of the bikini bottom so it fit … I was about 140 pounds on that cover … and I'm 161 now.  I'd say I looked like a stripper when I put it on."

Banks said she considered a healthy diet and exercise before the shoot but decided to gross everyone out showcase her inner beauty instead.

"I think there's more power in embracing what I am now and showcasing that.  I'm thinking that I should probably do this every 10 years.  So, in 2017 maybe I'll get in the swimsuit again and I'll have to get them to add a little more fabric."

Well, according to the pictures below, she’s standing up to her neck in water for the new shoot, which looks nothing like the old cover, so what was the damn point.  Who knows if she’s wearing the same suit or not or how much weight she’s put on.  Why not just a picture of her one of her teeth.  Why not just show her damn x-rays.  At this pace, if she does come back in 2017, they’ll just show the old picture, but in the background they’ll add some flying cars and President Obama giving a thumbs up.