Justin Bieber and his crew of nobodies and hanger-ons walked the red carpet for the premiere of his new documentary, Believe, in Los Angeles last night, and naturally the theater was stormed by a mob of his insane teenage fans. Fortunately, no one was reportedly hurt, from Bieber and Usher to the Kardashian girl who is still underage but awkwardly showed off her leg and Jaden Smith’s fly-catching mouth, but it still must have been a scary experience for Bieber, because I assume that he’s stoned out of his mind 24/7. Fortunately, none of this will happen when he finally retires next week, at least until he reveals he’s full of shit by announcing his new album in the spring.
Usher almost lost his kid a couple days ago drowning in the home pool as his arm got stuck in the drain. You know, like how you lost half your buddies as a kid. Fucking pool drains. Usher’s ex-wife and baby mama, Tameka Foster, snapped into maternal action and filed a custody hearing to get their two kids back into her nest. The same nest where her own eleven-year old son by a previous father was killed last year at a lake resort by a jet ski running over him in a raft. These two are either cursed with horrible misfortune, or they’re horrible caretakers for their kids. Without any formal or informal training, I’m ready to step in and grab the remaining Usher and Usher baby mama kids and take them somewhere safe. I may not know shit about being a parent, but I’ve never lost a kid before in the water. In fact, I’m Red Cross certified. If Neptune’s minions are coming for these kids because of some deal Usher made to be famous and make people believe he’s straight, I may be their best protection. Hold on Usher kids, your new daddy’s coming.
Imagine you’re the dude that Ducati brings in to crisis manage the fact that Ducati is getting a bad rap as the bike for gay poser riders and then Justin Bieber and Usher appear as the highest profiles celebrity riders of your brand. You are fucked in the biggest way.
The twin douchebags have taken up riding motorcycles as the thrill from being undersized versatile top/bottom pop stars just isn’t enough. While you might look at this picture and find nothing to root for, we’re pulling hard for a high speed collision.
Usher, Green Day, and Rihanna were the headliners Friday night for the iHeartRadio Festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, but after Usher was done, Green Day took the stage 30 minutes late and then were told to cut their set short.
And after lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong said “fuck” 21 times and smashed his guitar, that’s exactly what they did.
“Fuck this shit, I’m gonna play a fucking new song, fuck this shit. Give me a fuckin break, one minute left. One minute fucking left. You’re gonna give me fucking one minute? Look at that fucking sign right there. One minute. Let me fucking tell you something. Let me tell you something. I’ve been around since fucking nineteen eighty fucking eight. And you’re going to give me one fucking minute? You gotta be fucking kidding me. You fucking kidding me. What the fuck? I’m not fucking Justin Bieber you mother fuckers. You gotta be fucking joking, this is a fucking joke.”
It would have been a lot better if Bieber was actually there, but it was still pretty cool. Right up until the moment when the band announced that Armstrong is now in rehab for “substance abuse.” That ruined everything. If he was taking too many pills, they were in a bottle labeled How To Earn Respect.
Usher and Shakira will replace Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green for the fourth season of ‘the Voice’, though it’s said to be a temporary move so Aguilera can go on tour and Green can record a new album. But maybe it won’t be for one season. Maybe it will be permanent. Or maybe it won’t, look, why are you dragging me into this, I hate that stupid show.
Pippa Middleton became world famous when she and her ass upstaged her sisters wedding to Prince William, and now Usher, who has a line of lingerie coming out this summer for some reason, tells Look magazine that he wants Pippa to take most of her clothes off so he can take pictures of her. As if that was some original idea no one else had thought of.
“I don’t think there’s a more beautiful, more stunning, more talked-about woman in the world at the moment.”
“I’m going to be approaching her in the next few weeks and setting up a meeting this summer.”
“The great thing about her is that she would be a global brand. Everybody knows her now, she would be perfect. I am sure everybody is trying to sign her up and she won’t be cheap, but she has the looks and the popularity to really establish a new product.”
And I bet he’s saying that without even having seen these pictures of her in a bikini. And then taking off her bikini top and kind of showing some side boob.
Just for the record, everything that happened between me and these pictures was completely consensual.