Photo Credit: Vanessa Hudgens/Instagram
Photo Credit: Vanessa Hudgens/Instagram
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
It’s tough on people who peak in high school. They’re barely shaving and their glory days are already behind them. I feared Vanessa Hudgens was like that. When she was getting loaded and flashing her snatch on camera at eighteen, I thought, man, she will never be more accomplished than she is right now. And for a good long while, that seemed true. But then she started getting herself parts in movies as the stripper, the bikini bad girl with a gun, the bikini bad girl with a gun again, the stripper a couple more times, and I knew those twat-flashing selfies days were just a primer for the reinvention of Vanessa Hudgens. You can go home again, especially if you’re paying your moms rent.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
There are probably a million other girls just like Vanessa Hudgens in this world, girls who can sort of act and sing and are pretty attractive, but not getting any younger. Since it can all go away in the blink of an eye for someone who is so easily forgettable and even easier to replace, Vanessa has to really work hard to make sure that we spend at least 10 seconds thinking about her, when the movie roles seem to be few and far between for her lately. So she did the easiest thing imaginable and posted a sports bra selfie on Instagram, and that immediately makes her better than almost every girl on the planet for the next 10 seconds. Even if she’s making a face like she just clogged the toilet and doesn’t know how to stop the shit water from spilling all over your bathroom floor, she’s still great for another 3, 2…
It’s well established through urban legend, porn plot #178, and office gossip that bachelorette parties are far wilder than you’re typical guys bachelor parties. By the time men get to bachelor parties, they’re just doing mostly the same shit they’ve done a dozen times before, only without a wet blanket future in law tag-along. Even the Hangover movie series couldn’t get past number one without running out of ideas. But when women start going shot for shot and the estrogen strands uncoil, millions of years of repressed gatherer urges come to the forefront and greased up male genitalia starts getting snapped back and forth like a tether ball. None of that shit seems to be happening yet on the yacht Vanessa Hudgens hooked up in Miami for Ashley Tisdale’s bachelorette party. The two have been good friends since High School Musical days when they bonded over the challenge of being only seventeen and already having promised to take Zac Efron’s secret to the grave. I’d like to be around when these hot midgets uncork the booze after sunset and start grousing about the double standards women must endure in society. I’ve seen porn plot #178. I do know what happens next. I can handle the subjugation.
Photo credit: FameFlynet / Splash News
When you’re the 126th top grossing film of the year, there’s going to be pressure to create a sequel. Even without the original writers, director, and at least half the cast, Spring Breakers will likely be getting a sequel. If you missed it the first time, it was another freaky pedo-leaning Harmony Korine art house film where his young wife got naked with a bunch of other topless girls in bikinis while really fucking annoying house music played throughout like Paris Hilton was DJing the score. He got James Franco riffing in the film, and Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson to swear and run around in bikinis and guns and almost show their tits, so it was worth a watch. But a sequel? This might taint the sanctity of the sequel that Hollywood holds dear, with only 95.7% of sequels either being completely unnecessary, sucking horrible, or both. Transformers excluded, naturally. We need the world to buy more fucking Dodges. Nevertheless, if Selena Gomez takes her top off, I’m in for twelve bucks. I know I’ll be disappointed, but at least I’ll have a honorable explanation for why I went.
Photo Credit: Spring Breakers