Part of Vanessa Hudgens’ charm has always been that she’s willing to throw on some super tight or skimpy clothes and look like she just won a baby oil wrestling tournament at a NASCAR tailgate, so it’s always disappointing when she’s fully dressed. In this case, she barely even looks like herself, as she got all dressed up in rave gear on Saturday to host the Electric Run in Los Angeles.
Electric Run LA is basically a rave mixed with a 5K, so it combines everything that you love about trying to navigate through a slow herd of people who are patting themselves on the back for exercising with drug use and seizure-inducing lights. It’s probably a lot like an actual marathon, though, in terms of people pissing themselves.
Vanessa Hudgens mom wasn’t even born when the Rolling Stones started performing. That might not really explain why her skirt fell down on the way into the Staples Center to see the Rolling Stones perform. Honestly, I just wanted to show you her underwear. It’s not quite the same as seeing her underaged cooch in cell phone pictures, but it’s less likely to turn me into a blue dot on the Megan’s Law website. I don’t care if you like hiking and long walks on the beach, that blue dot will kill your online dating potential.
I’ve seen Vanessa Hudgens naked before, so unless this video was two and half minutes of more leaked cell pictures there was just no way that I was going to be impressed. And I wasn’t. I know it’s suppose to be based off of Spring Breakers,which was weird in an awesome kind of way, but this whole thing was about as edgy as an episode of Dora the Explora. The video has a lot of dancing fluorescent lights in it though, so this will blow your mind if you’re easily amused or a cat.
I’ve never understood the middle finger. A punch, a kick, a warning shot just short of taking off some toes, even verbal abuse. I get all that. Makes me a little melancholy for my childhood. But this middle finger nonsense from grown celebrities? Really? That’s so fifth grade, Vanessa Hudgens. I think once you make sexually explicit cell phone photos of yourself, you’re too old to be giving the finger. Maybe that should be the official cut-off. I know celebrities feel helpless when they’re trying to have private time and some dude with a camera starts clicking away photos. But imagine that paparazzi feels helpless when it’s time to buy his Bentley or date a model or get a table at Nobu. It cuts both ways.
A lot of people forget that when Vanessa Hudgens isn’t being the hottest actress in otherwise forgettable films, she also sings. In fact, the Spring Breakers star has previously released two albums and all of the songs might as well be titled, “Does This Girl Own Pants” because I can’t name any of them. But bless her multi-talented heart for trying, because Vanessa joined Twitter and Tumblr yesterday for the sole purpose of leaking a teaser clip of the music video for her new song, “$$$ex”.
The song is a collaboration with the all-girl pop group Young L.A., not to be confused with the rapper Yung L.A., although nobody really cares about one or the other. All that matters is that Vanessa is one step closer to Tweeting nude pics, and eventually asking Drake to murder her vagina, thus closing the former child actress loop forever.
Sometimes, when a girl shows her bra in public, she’s sending a message that she’s promiscuous and sexual. And in the other 99% of times, she just didn’t dress properly. But it’s so much more fun to imagine the one-percent. Not to say Vanessa Hudgens isn’t a sexual attention veteran, what with the cell phone pics of her barely legal cooch she transmitted right about the time Disney had a myocardial infarction, and her follow up ode to toplessness. Still, while my mind is imagining her body language belting out ‘ready to mount’, it’s still more likely her bra saying ‘stop shopping at Ross, you cheap bastard’.