I’ve never understood the middle finger. A punch, a kick, a warning shot just short of taking off some toes, even verbal abuse. I get all that. Makes me a little melancholy for my childhood. But this middle finger nonsense from grown celebrities? Really? That’s so fifth grade, Vanessa Hudgens. I think once you make sexually explicit cell phone photos of yourself, you’re too old to be giving the finger. Maybe that should be the official cut-off. I know celebrities feel helpless when they’re trying to have private time and some dude with a camera starts clicking away photos. But imagine that paparazzi feels helpless when it’s time to buy his Bentley or date a model or get a table at Nobu. It cuts both ways.
A lot of people forget that when Vanessa Hudgens isn’t being the hottest actress in otherwise forgettable films, she also sings. In fact, the Spring Breakers star has previously released two albums and all of the songs might as well be titled, “Does This Girl Own Pants” because I can’t name any of them. But bless her multi-talented heart for trying, because Vanessa joined Twitter and Tumblr yesterday for the sole purpose of leaking a teaser clip of the music video for her new song, “$$$ex”.
The song is a collaboration with the all-girl pop group Young L.A., not to be confused with the rapper Yung L.A., although nobody really cares about one or the other. All that matters is that Vanessa is one step closer to Tweeting nude pics, and eventually asking Drake to murder her vagina, thus closing the former child actress loop forever.
Sometimes, when a girl shows her bra in public, she’s sending a message that she’s promiscuous and sexual. And in the other 99% of times, she just didn’t dress properly. But it’s so much more fun to imagine the one-percent. Not to say Vanessa Hudgens isn’t a sexual attention veteran, what with the cell phone pics of her barely legal cooch she transmitted right about the time Disney had a myocardial infarction, and her follow up ode to toplessness. Still, while my mind is imagining her body language belting out ‘ready to mount’, it’s still more likely her bra saying ‘stop shopping at Ross, you cheap bastard’.
Yep, it’s really been seven years since you were left holding your dong in your hands and trying not to remember any of the songs from High School Musical as you met Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale for the very first time. As gay and almost statutorial rapey as that Disney musical experience was, it has blossomed, into two still tiny, but pretty damn hot young women who are still best friends, and gym partners. On the scale of Peeping Tom perversions, checking out girls in their 20′s in stretch pants and low cut tops working out is not nearly as damning as watching late teen girls dance with Zac Efron. So you’re good to go.
Some dude in Italy decided to simultaneously tug one out while handicamming the fast-becoming infamous pool sex scene from Spring Breakers between Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and James Franco. The optimists believe that you can see more of Vanessa Hudgens in this sex scene than you’ve witnessed since she cell phone shot her own cooch several years ago now. Meh, between the shaky handheld shooting the shaky handheld and the Italian dubbing, I’m kind of lost in a sea of what looks like a lot of almost nudity. It mostly just reminds me of the first time I had sex with a larger girl, or more simply known as, the first time I had sex. There was lots of white skin and splashing and softly whispered foreign language looping and when it was over I didn’t feel as happy as pleased as I thought I would.
For more almost Vanessa Hudgens skin, check out her boobs almost falling out of her top backstage at Jimmy Kimmel last night.
This photo has been flying around the Internet something fierce over the weekend. You know what else flies around the Internet every single day? Complete and utter bullshit, on topics ranging from ‘secret Iranian nuke updates’ to ‘bear having sex with monkey — must see’. Ten years ago, my mom tuned into the Internet for a minute and declared that it was just a devil’s shitpit of lies and pornography, making her more prescient than any dude with a porkpie hat who wrote 5,000 word pieces for Wired at the time.
Combining the shitpit of lies and pornography, this purported photo from the set of Spring Breakers that 10,001 Tumblr accounts are now declaring to be Vanessa Hudgens snorting cocaine atop a topless Selena Gomez during shooting of the film. Even the dudes at 4Chan had a laugh at this, in between bouts of masturbating to the photo in their New Dehli-adjacent apartments.