Victoria Beckham’s Life Is Much Better Than Yours

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Victoria Beckham turned 40 years old yesterday, which is truly remarkable if you consider the fact that none of the Spice Girls ever looked that young when they were popular. If you’d have asked me how old I thought she or the other women who didn’t marry one of the most famous and wealthiest men in the world were today, I’d have probably started with the high 70s and worked my way down in total disbelief. But Posh and David Beckham are still pretty young and incredibly rich, so they spent her birthday somewhere that none of us poor assholes have even heard of. They probably already live on Elysium and we just won’t know about it until we’re all wearing robot armor and trying to fight the mutated AIDS virus off.

Photo Credit: Victoria Beckham Twitter

Victoria Beckham Used to Be More Interesting

By Lex February 19, 2014 @ 6:34 PM

Victoria Beckham At A The Spice Girls Press Call In London
After Victoria Beckham got done with her first few canned responses to insanely trite questions in Allure magazine, the former Spice Girl shifted the conversation to her titties because she understands pacing. Victoria begrudgingly copped to having implants earlier in her career, but found less need for them once she was wealthy and famous and had a professional athlete husband. Like a master politician, Victoria eased the chatter back into the world of banal inspirational muck that women love to scan in magazine callouts:

I was never a natural. I got there in the end because I did believe that if you work hard enough, then you can achieve a lot

Well, hard work and that big fake rack you had removed once you were set for life. Let’s not give the flat chested girls out there false hope about making it big through mere initiative.

Photo Credit: WENN

Victoria Beckham Fakes an Orgasm

By Lex January 23, 2014 @ 6:14 PM

Victoria Beckham In Lingerie For The January 2014 Issue Of Vanity Fair Italy
Often men will label charmless, sour faced, high maintenance women as frigid. That’s your basic rush to judgement. There’s no reason a charmless, sour faced, high maintenance woman like Victoria Beckham couldn’t be some kind of insane nymphomaniac whose unquenchable desire for cock finds her begging for sex with foreign men at semi-covered bus stops. Though that does seem unlikely.

Photo Credit: Vanity Fair Italy

Victoria Beckham Finally Happy… To Be in China

By Lex June 24, 2013 @ 12:24 PM

Catching sour putty faced Victoria Beckham smiling even for a single shutter frame is worth a small fortune to collectors of the weird and unique. But here’s something that seems to make the rich girl smile. Take her to China. She’s been there with her husband this week and she can’t seem to stop grinning from skin stapled ear to ear. I’m not sure if she loves the CCP or just the industrial haze. It can’t be the food. She hasn’t eaten since 2009. She’s appearing like a happy clown on national television shows and even Tweeting photos of herself smiling. Her mirth can’t be contained. Maybe she’ll stay.

Photo Credit: Splash

Victoria Beckham Always Looks Like A Released Hostage

By Lex June 05, 2013 @ 2:27 PM

Victoria Beckham Carrying Her Daughter Through LAX
Maybe Victoria Beckham is in a prison. A prison in her mind. Behind the bars of her own fears and anxieties. Forcibly finger banged in the shower of her insecurities and shame. Or she might just be a rich model who hasn’t had a meal consisting of of more than 100 calories since 1997. Either way, she’s giving her daughter the same face.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Victoria Beckham Looks Pleasantly Surprised

By Lex May 06, 2013 @ 9:23 AM

My great Uncle Sal invented the windswept toupee. It was a pre-tousled toupee that men could wear wear out in inclement weather so their hair would look more native to the conditions. Then that bastard Sy Sperling invented fake hair implants and the toupee business died. So did my Uncle Sal, a broken and busted man. We buried him in his windswept toupee at an outdoor funeral. I’m thinking back to Uncle Sal while watching Victoria Beckham try out the new ‘pleasantly surprised’ face they gave her to look more upbeat in public settings. It’s very lifelike. Even the paparazzi bylines read ‘Victoria Beckham looks pleasantly surprised at a Paris boutique’. And don’t think the husband in this equation won’t benefit from the new mouth agape pose on this custom facial setting. Science continues to improve lives, one super rich person at a time.