I want to punch the guy who created Vogue’s 73 Questions series. It features female celebrities wearing a lot of makeup, trying to act casual, and answering a series of pre-screened questions with responses that are never even accidentally interesting. It’s a near statistical impossibility. This is the shit they show the terrorists on repeat while they force cornmeal up their asses. I’ve never wondered anything about Victoria Beckham. Not her favorite kind of toothpaste, umbrella, or ketchup. Let alone this banal bullshit, I haven’t even wondered anything which might prove reasonably interesting. Something which at least might have a fighting chance of being half worth listening to. Do you prefer two fingers or three? Have you ever eaten dog accidentally? Which Spice Girls have ever gone down on each other in the back of a bus? Have you caught your very pretty husband in the sauna blowing the gardner? Get creative, it’s not that difficult. Unless you’re the fuck behind the camera or Victoria Beckham.
Victoria Beckham turned 40 years old yesterday, which is truly remarkable if you consider the fact that none of the Spice Girls ever looked that young when they were popular. If you’d have asked me how old I thought she or the other women who didn’t marry one of the most famous and wealthiest men in the world were today, I’d have probably started with the high 70s and worked my way down in total disbelief. But Posh and David Beckham are still pretty young and incredibly rich, so they spent her birthday somewhere that none of us poor assholes have even heard of. They probably already live on Elysium and we just won’t know about it until we’re all wearing robot armor and trying to fight the mutated AIDS virus off.
Photo Credit: Victoria Beckham Twitter
After Victoria Beckham got done with her first few canned responses to insanely trite questions in Allure magazine, the former Spice Girl shifted the conversation to her titties because she understands pacing. Victoria begrudgingly copped to having implants earlier in her career, but found less need for them once she was wealthy and famous and had a professional athlete husband. Like a master politician, Victoria eased the chatter back into the world of banal inspirational muck that women love to scan in magazine callouts:
I was never a natural. I got there in the end because I did believe that if you work hard enough, then you can achieve a lot
Well, hard work and that big fake rack you had removed once you were set for life. Let’s not give the flat chested girls out there false hope about making it big through mere initiative.
Photo Credit: WENN
Often men will label charmless, sour faced, high maintenance women as frigid. That’s your basic rush to judgement. There’s no reason a charmless, sour faced, high maintenance woman like Victoria Beckham couldn’t be some kind of insane nymphomaniac whose unquenchable desire for cock finds her begging for sex with foreign men at semi-covered bus stops. Though that does seem unlikely.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair Italy
Catching sour putty faced Victoria Beckham smiling even for a single shutter frame is worth a small fortune to collectors of the weird and unique. But here’s something that seems to make the rich girl smile. Take her to China. She’s been there with her husband this week and she can’t seem to stop grinning from skin stapled ear to ear. I’m not sure if she loves the CCP or just the industrial haze. It can’t be the food. She hasn’t eaten since 2009. She’s appearing like a happy clown on national television shows and even Tweeting photos of herself smiling. Her mirth can’t be contained. Maybe she’ll stay.
Photo Credit: Splash
Maybe Victoria Beckham is in a prison. A prison in her mind. Behind the bars of her own fears and anxieties. Forcibly finger banged in the shower of her insecurities and shame. Or she might just be a rich model who hasn’t had a meal consisting of of more than 100 calories since 1997. Either way, she’s giving her daughter the same face.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN