My great Uncle Sal invented the windswept toupee. It was a pre-tousled toupee that men could wear wear out in inclement weather so their hair would look more native to the conditions. Then that bastard Sy Sperling invented fake hair implants and the toupee business died. So did my Uncle Sal, a broken and busted man. We buried him in his windswept toupee at an outdoor funeral. I’m thinking back to Uncle Sal while watching Victoria Beckham try out the new ‘pleasantly surprised’ face they gave her to look more upbeat in public settings. It’s very lifelike. Even the paparazzi bylines read ‘Victoria Beckham looks pleasantly surprised at a Paris boutique’. And don’t think the husband in this equation won’t benefit from the new mouth agape pose on this custom facial setting. Science continues to improve lives, one super rich person at a time.
Victoria Beckham made her way to the Vogue Festival in London. She fucking loves clothes. She makes them. She sells them. She diddles her lady parts with them in her walk-in closet. A Vogue fashion event for Victoria Beckham is like pig in shit. Like an Eagles fan at a dollar drinks sports bar. This is Victoria’s Rapture. Yeah, still no smile. It’s uncanny. The Mothra girls looked less sullen.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
Victoria Beckham hasn’t smiled in ten years. She hasn’t shown so much as a single tooth in her mouth since her Spice Girls days. Even at her birthday over the weekend, Vicky couldn’t force her lips asunder. She had to squelch her birthday candle by shaking her hair extensions vigorously in the direction of the flame. People mock Victoria’s apparent self-misery because she’s rich and successful and has a bunch of good looking kids and fine houses and a famous soccer playing model husband. What seems like the perfect life. But what you can’t see in photographs is that Victoria Beckham has vaginitis. So why don’t you take your judgements elsewhere.
Here’s Victoria over the weekend shopping in Paris. The finest clothes, the finest shops, V.I.P. treatment. You think that’d make a woman grin from ear to ear. But there’s no smiling when your sugar walls feel like 60 grit sandpaper.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin
Lindsay Lohan tweeted a picture yesterday saying, “Birkin. Mac Computer. Chanel and a jet. Never quit fighting to live your dreams. God Bless.” And I never realized mac’s were some opulent display of luxury, but it’s probabaly the one Chateau Marmont was asking her to return two weeks ago, the jet is the one producers had to send as a last resort to get her to work for her ‘Scary Movie 5′ cameo, and that birkin is fake piece of shit.
It’s a good thing David and Victoria Beckham were at the royal wedding, because they were basically the most interesting thing there. At least until the reception, when Princess Kate began to have a few doubts. Word is she had a few drinks and grabbed the queens crown. “Loo at me every bdy, I’m kng o th fags! Hahahaha!” she yelled. “Wht? No! YUVE had to mch to drnk. I’m not embarasin, YU’RE embarisin. You and your lil wee pecker. HEY EVERYONE, WILLIAM HAS A LITTLE PECKER!”
David and Victoria Beckham started dating in 1997 and got married in 1999, and they have three sons already with a fourth child on the way this summer, but as she made her way through the paparazzi last night after landing in New York you could see that the wallpaper on her gold iPhone is a picture of David with his shirt off. So I’m assuming things are still going pretty well with these two. And why wouldn’t it be, I guess. He’s still really rich and handsome, and she’s still so little and tight looking you could probably use her vagina to open a stubborn jar. What else is there in life?