Putin Has The Biggest Balls of Them All

By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 12:58 PM


Vladimir Putin might be a gay-hating arrogant sinister ex-KGB topless horseback riding prick of a dictator, but he’s got actual nads. I don’t know who was the biggest pussy on the Asian Pacific Summit of important world leaders dais, but it wasn’t the Russian leader who took off his stupid ceremonial purple shawl and wrapped it around the cold wife of Xi Jinping, China’s highest ranking commie and mediocre golfer. Putin’s inappropriately slick move immediately created a Putin’s-cuckolding-the-Chinese-leader meme on the Asian Internet, causing Chinese Internet scrubbers to stay up all night with their censor brushes. They also slaughtered some Tibetan monks and ruptured a damn drowning thousands just to remind people who’s in charge.

Putin’s already revered among Chinese women for his masculinity and prowess. Sort of like Brentwood moms revere Obama for his willingness to pretend he understands menopause. Only Putin is probably sticking it to the Chinese leader’s wife for real, while Obama only raw dogs Gwyneth Paltrow during her lavender scented candle baths.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Painting Of Putin In Panties Seized In Moscow

By Michael August 29, 2013 @ 4:55 PM

A painting portraying Russian president and all around manly man Vladimir Putin brushing prime minister Dmitry Medvedev’s hair while dressed in drag has been seized by Moscow police. The painting did not go over well in the increasingly restrictive and anti-gay Russian regime. The painter, Konstantin Altunin, has left the country for France where painting politicians in lingerie is not only legal, but a mandatory portion of obtaining your art license. It’s just the latest act of an increasingly paranoid and draconian system. First the girls of Pussy Riot get thrown in jail for singing a shitty punk song about vaginas and now this. Not to mention the fact that Putin stole an American Super Bowl ring. My grandfather always told me that there is no such thing as an ex-commie. He also told me that if you have sex with a girl in her ass the devil steal’s your soul, but he got a pass because it was grandma’s idea. Grandpa was an oversharer.

(Image Via: The Independent.com)

The Tsar Of The Ring, Part 2

By Michael June 26, 2013 @ 2:29 PM

We told you last week about an allegation that Russian president Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The tale goes that Kraft showed the ring to the Dark Lord who promptly stole it for its power and shininess. Putin claims Kraft gave him the ring, creating a hilarious case of he said/she said. Putin has offered a compromise: the gift of a new ring. Putin said he would have a Russian jeweler make a nice piece for the Patriots,

“Something really good, noticeable – so that it is clear that it is an expensive thing, with good metal and a stone…it can be handed down from generation to generation of the team that Mr Kraft represents…this is the smartest, most partner-like solution to this difficult international issue.”

Fuck off, Vlad! Give us back our ring. You can stick that bogus Russian ring right up your ex-Commie keister. Why would we want some shitty, tacky monstrosity made with the cheap yellow gold Russian mobsters wear that turns your skin green? This is about pride. This ring represents achievement in our most important national event: The Super Bowl. If the ring still exists our government needs to get that shit back. What’s Obama doing today? Nothing. Get on this, now.

Vladimir Putin Horked a Super Bowl Ring…Maybe

By Michael June 17, 2013 @ 5:03 PM

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says Bond villain looking Russian president Vladimir Putin stole his Super Bowl Ring. No, he didn’t shove Kraft’s head in a toilet like a bully in an 80′s movie and snatch the ring off of his finger. Kraft says that at a gala event in St. Petersburg Putin asked Kraft if he could try on his $25,000 Super Bowl XXXIX ring. Kraft then said Putin remarked, “I could kill a man with this ring,” and proceeded to just straight up not give it back. I can totally see where a piece of jewelry’s ability to kill would be a selling point for Putin. That guy punches more people to death before breakfast than most of us talk to in a day. This is a change from the story Kraft used to tell that he gave it to Putin as a gift for all he’s done for the Russian people…whatever that is.

So, why the change in the story? I imagine that if Kraft was still in Russia when he was first asked about the ring that he’d make it sound like he willingly gave it to Putin. It’s like when a weak ass nerd says he voluntarily gave up his lunch money. Putin can choke a horse with a single hand. But if Kraft’s story is true, we need to get that ring back. Not because I give a flying dog fuck about Kraft or the Patriots but because football is our real national sport and we can’t let some Ex-KGB commie dickwad steal a symbol of of our national pride. Would we let him steal the Statue of Liberty or Kate Upton? Hell no. We won the Cold War as I recall. Mr. Putin, give us back our fucking ring before we come over to your place with our tanks and airplanes that actually work and take it from you.