Will Smith’s Kids Need a Dwight Howard Buckling

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

JS

Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.

Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:

Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.

The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.

Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.

Willow: Because living.

Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Will Smith Is A Nice Guy And Possibly A Shitty Dad

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Will Smith got his Scientology on another woman's baby

While he’s being investigated by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services over the photo of 13-year old Willow Smith in bed with a shirtless 20-year old actor whose name doesn’t matter, Will Smith helped make a random woman’s pregnancy announcement a little more special by posing with her in a coffee shop. Hopefully Emily didn’t solicit any parenting advice from the Fresh Prince of Not Giving a Shit, because her child could end up buying into Jaden Smith’s new crystal orgasm cult with the Jenner sisters, and then it’s all a one-way ride to sex tapes, fetish porn, PCP addiction, and eventually being framed for the murder of Selena Gomez from there. But before I get ahead of myself, congrats to Emily and her husband.

Photo Credit: Reddit

Jaden Smith and Kylie Jenner Are The Face of Domestic Terrorism

By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 6:21 PM

Kylie-Jenner-and-Jaden-Smith-in-Black-and-White-Photo

Think of Kylie Jenner, and the Will Smith dunderhead kids and this Moises Arias bratpack leader as those for whom Scientology and Instagram just ins’t providing answers to key questions such as Why Am I Here, Am I In Control of My Destiny, and Why Does My Sister Get the Mercedes While I Get Stuck With the Range Rover. Apparently, these kids are so thirsty for the kind of knowledge you can’t get in a stupid school house, they’ve formed their own mini religion, the Orgonite Society, following the teachings of cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

Jaden has really dived headfirst into this radical movement. He thinks he is a ‘philosopher’ and Willow is just as into it

Like most cult leaders, Rajneesh writes a lot of books that the children of wealthy parents can buy for $19.95 and pretend they’re tuned into something greater than their fellow mall rats. Meanwhile, Rajneesh bangs the snot out the not fat cult members and gets all the good drugs. Also, his group back in 1984 kinda sorta contaminated local restaurant salad bars with salmonella because their pyramid crystals told them get that shit done. The actor kids in Calabasas lack the ambition for much plotting, plus they don’t dine at midscale restaurants with salad bars, so mostly count on lots of Jaden Smith tweets about knowledge, Willow Smith talking about how her kid body belongs to the Tree Gods and occasionally 20-year old Moises Arias, and Kylie Jenner getting her nails done on camera. The latter is more about funding. Every cult needs a Tom Cruise to bankroll the picnics.

It’s hard to see how this all could go horribly wrong. Sorry, I mean, it’s hard to see how we will give a shit when this inevitably all goes horribly wrong.

Jada Pinkett Smith Calls Everybody a Pedophile

By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 6:09 PM

Moises-and-Willow-on-the-Bed-on-Instagram

Maybe you thought it was weird that 13-year old Willow Smith was in an Instagram photo in bed with her 20-year old topless guy friend Moises Arias. And that’s why you’re a pedophile, according to Jada Pinkett Smith who felt obliged to respond publicly:

There was nothing sexual about that picture or that situation. You guys are projecting your trash onto it, and you’re acting like covert pedophiles, and that’s not cool.

No, not cool at all. I think she means the pedo part, not the covert part, because you are going to want to hide that pedo stuff a bit if it’s your hobby. I have to agree with Jada that there’s nothing particularly sexual about that picture. There’s plenty of pictures of me from middle school with topless 20-year old dudes in a bed. It’s called my YMCA campers yearbook that the police only recently returned to me after the statute expired. Intuiting some kind of suggestiveness on the part of Willow is counter intuitive to how Will and Jada have raised their children to be completely in charge of their own lives from a very early age. Will has said before that parents don’t own their kids, that’s too much like slavery. Which is a solid parenting belief, not to mention stymies any reporter followup as you’re a black man bringing up slavery. School and parental supervision are overrated anyhow. The Smiths believe in letting their children grow up as they see fit, so, mostly Ring Pops, Sex, and Video Games. It’s like the movie Kids, but with lots of fuck you money and Scientology mixers.

Willow Smith Is Growing Up So Fast

By Travis May 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Willow and Moises

Today seems like a good day to get to know a young actor who all the kids have already been slightly aware of for years. Moises Arias is a former star of Hannah Montana and a few other shows and movies that you might have heard of, but he’s also well known as the 20-year old guy who is always hanging out with 15-year old Jaden Smith and the teenage Jenner sisters. Now he’s also going to be known to some as the 20-year old guy who posted a photo of himself shirtless with 13-year old Willow Smith curled up next to him in bed, and also the guy who was stupid enough to post such a photo and then mildly smart enough to quickly delete it. Maybe they’re just friends and this is all harmless and innocent, but the public doesn’t give a shit about the difference between harmless and jailbait for an actor who had a supporting role in Ender’s Game. Only leading men get away with this crap, Moises.

Photo Credit: Moises Arias Instagram

Someone Needs To Remind Willow Smith That She’s 12 (VIDEO)

By Travis July 10, 2013 @ 9:00 AM






Willow Smith is only 12-years old. That’s important to remember if you choose to watch the video for her new single, “Summer Fling”, as she’s being felt up by some guy who’s probably in his 20s for several minutes. Obviously, a lot of people think that it’s inappropriate for a 12-year old girl to be singing about love and especially having a fling, but this is America and there are probably pregnant toddlers by now.

I just miss the time when these kinds of videos were released by 17-year old girls, so it wasn’t as creepy when we counted down the days until they turned 18. This is just plain gross.