Wladimir Klitschko is 6-foot-6 and weighs about 245 pounds, while Hayden Panettiere is 3-foot-1 and weighs as much as a bag of grapes, so it’s only natural to imagine him splitting her into a dozen pieces when they have crazy Ukrainian gorilla sex. But whatever his methods, Wladimir has managed to not only keep Hayden in one piece but he got her pregnant, too. In fact, Us Weekly claims she’s “totally pregnant” in case you doubted the validity of this report. It must have been her doctor who filed that anonymous tip, because only people who went to really expensive schools use such technical medical terms as “totally pregnant” and eventually, once Hayden gives birth, “snatch like the Chunnel.”
Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko also announced that they’ve broken up today after dating for the past two years, but since I don’t care about that in any way, here’s 47 more pictures of Bar Refaeli in a bikini. You can skip these if you wan’t, but then you won’t see the thrilling conclusion and know what happens when Bar sits down, and only then realizes she wants something to drink! What will she do!
Hayden Panettiere went to the Tribeca Film Festival on Sunday in this sexy backless dress that showed off her tat. It says, “Vivere senza rimipianti”, which is Italian for, “To live without regrets”.
The good news is that probably means she’s slutty. The bad news is it’s spelled wrong, something she talked about on the View yesterday..
“Here’s the thing, if you’re going to get a tattoo in a language, just don’t ever go to that country. Or a country where anyone speaks that language…
“It’s not like, ‘Oh I wanted this and now it says, ‘I love apples’. It’s ‘live without regrets’ but it has one extra ‘i’ (the third word starts “rimi…”, it should be “rimp…”) and it’s so minor that people who spoke fluent Italian are like, ‘Egh, that looks right.’ And of course I’m reading in a newspaper that it’s wrong…”
The other bad news is that she was there with her boyfriend, boxer Wladimir Klitschko. He’s the unified heavyweight champion, but he’s from Kazakhstan just like Borat so it’s kind of hard to take him seriously. You want him to say “king in the castle, king in the castle!” when he sits on his stool between rounds but he never does so fuck him. Or maybe I just need to learn more about Kazakhstan. Perhaps playboybustybabes.com will have some information. I’ll check there first.
CARLOS MENCIA - steals jokes. This of course was a bigger story when Joe Rogan confronted him on stage 3 years ago (video and backstory here), but this morning Opie and Anthony played an audio clip where Carlos actually admits it. It’s possible he was being sarcastic, but that would mean he actually wrote a joke by himself. Seems ridiculous when you think about it like that.
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO – is Brazilian but she lives in Malibu and she posted a “Go USA” cheer with a bikini pic on twitter this morning after the US won their game in the World Cup. On a side note, if God had a girlfriend, this is what she would look like. (twitter)
ROBERT PATTINSON – is actually, honestly related to Dracula. Or at least Vlad the Impaler, who is widely considered to be the inspiration for Dracula. “Don’t you dare lump me in with those queers and fatties,” Vlad said when asked for a comment. (yahoo)
MICHAEL JACKSON – fans will be allowed to leave flowers near his grave site on the one year anniversary of his death. Which is bullshit. It should be closed. Wait, not closed. Enclosed. And then riddled with bullets. Good riddance weirdos. (abc)
HAYDEN PANETTIERE – went to LAX with her boyfriend, heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko. He’s from Kazakhstan, just like Borat, and those people don’t fuck around when it comes to putting women in their place. I see a dog crate, but I don’t see any dogs. I hope Hayden has some water and went to the bathroom.
“Hi Mr, Panettiere. I’m heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko. I’m gonna split your daughter in half one day.”
Yeah so Hayden and her boyfriend had breakfast at Le Pain in West Hollywood today. It looks like she should be riding on his back like Yoda. They don’t even look like they’re from the same planet. That dog might actually be their kid. It’s what happens when their mismatched DNA combined.