tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon November 17, 2009 @ 7:35 PM

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WOODY HARRELSON – says America invaded Afghanistan because Chevron wanted to overthrow the Taliban and build an oil pipeline. “The guys from Chevron went in and met with the Taliban and realized those guys just weren’t in control enough. That’s why they wanted to oust them.” You can read his entire interview in this weeks issue of ‘Crazy Dipshit Weekly’. (newsbusters)

LINDSAY LOHAN – is not creating a jewelry line with designer Pascal Mouawad, despite telling Access Hollywood that she was. “This is not happening,” he said in an email. As if she knows how to design jewelry. She might as well say she’s gonna build a space shuttle. (wwd)

SETH MACFARLANE – is sort of a one-trick pony. And that trick is to make the same show over and over and annoy the shit out of me. (college humor)

TILA TEQUILA – is suing ex bf Shawne Merriman claiming he abused her. Merriman was arrested on Sept. 6 after Tequila made similar claims, but despite clear bruises up and down her arms and Merriman admitting he held her down, no charges were ever filed. Probably because it’s always a disaster when a girl tells a story. You just know they’re fuckin it all up. (fox)

ASHLEY GREENE – was the hottest of the cast by far at last nights premier for ‘New Moon’. Mostly because I’m not sure who my other choices are. I think one is named ‘Kristin’. Another is maybe named ‘Taylor’. I think those are the girls. Are they girls? I should look this up.

WOODY HARRELSON IS WEIRD

By brendon April 08, 2008 @ 7:30 AM

Gosh, I can barely even count all the times I've stripped naked to go swimming in the middle of the day with one of my buddies while vacationing together in Miami, like Woody Harrelson does here with Owen Wilson.  Oh, no, wait, actually it turns out I've done that 0.0 times.  it might not mean they're gay, but it probably does mean they were stoned.  Dudes who are baked think this kind of thing is normal.  They also think it’s fucked up how cats have grandparents.  By contrast, non-stoners = cats having come from somewhere seems pretty reasonable.



WOODY HARRELSONS DAD DIED IN JAIL

By brendon March 21, 2007 @ 12:57 PM

CNN is reporting that Woody Harrelson's father died of a heart attack last Thursday in the Supermax federal prison where he was serving two life sentences for the murder of a federal judge.  He was 69 (editors note – tee-hee, 69!).  Charles Harrelson was found unresponsive in his cell on the morning of March 15.  An autopsy showed Harrelson had severe coronary artery disease and probably died in his sleep.  U.S. District Judge John Wood Jr. did not die in his sleep.  He died in 1979 when a drug dealer hired Harrelson to kill him.  So Harrelson shot him repeatedly in the driveway outside of his home.  Before that, according to his wiki page:

Harrelson was tried for the 1968 killing of Sam Degilia in Edinburg, Texas.  The trial ended in a hung jury: 11 for conviction, one for acquittal … Harrelson was retried in 1974  … Harrelson was found guilty and sentenced to 15 years in prison. With time off for good behavior, he was free in five years.
Harrelson has declared that he was involved in John F. Kennedy's assassination. Some think he was one of the three tramps photographed after being arrested on November 22, 1963 in a boxcar in the railyard near Dealey Plaza. Harrelson's arresting officer, Marvin L. Wise, claims that the three men in his custody were released after a few hours of questioning.

I've killed a lot of people too.  Well I guess not really a lot.  More like three.  And I guess they were other pokemon trainers, not real people, but my point is that I know what its like to live life by the sword.  That’s how I got all these scars.  Granted, mine are from peeling an apple and one time i fell off a swing, but they could have been from real knife fights.  I read once that if I eat the heart of enemy, I gain his powers.  Unfortunately, that’s kind of gross, so I may just try to eat some of his sandwich.  Ooo, I hope my enemy has cake!

WOODY HARRELSON IS A JACKASS

By brendon March 13, 2007 @ 12:50 PM

Woody Harrelson got into a violent altercation with bouncers at a Venice Beach bar last week, while out for the night with buddy Owen Wilson.  Woody reportedly tried to leave the bar with two glasses of wine in his hands.  This is against California law.  When the bouncer at the door tried to stop him, Woody sucker-punched him.  Another bouncer stepped in but to no avail.  The National Enquirer (per cele/bitchy) says:

That started a full-scale brawl in the street, with a second bouncer joining in and wrestling Woody to the ground. Woody punched and scratched the bouncers and gouged a fingernail into one of their faces, just about [sic] the eye, said the bar source.  “Blood was streaming down the bouncer’s face, and Woody cut his hand on the broken glass on the sidewalk… Blood was all over the place.”  Two California Highway Patrol officers, who were writing a ticket across the street, raced over to stop the fight.  “Woody was still flaling away, and the officers ended up cuffing him and putting him in the back of a squad car while they tried to sort out the mess…”

Somehow Woody was not arrested.  Owen Wilson was said to have walked across the street when the altercation started and didn’t get involved.  Probably because he’s Owen Wilson, and has been wrist deep in more Playmates than boxing gloves.  Any 10 year old could probably kick his ass, but then Owen would bang the kids mom.  Who’s laughing now, you little punk.