OJ did or did not confess his murders to Oprah

By brendon June 23, 2011 @ 4:41 PM

78408157

Oprah Winfrey said last week that she was determined to interview OJ Simpson and get him to finally confess that he murdered Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman on June 12, 1994.

Well that was easy.

According to the National Enquirer, the interview is set to be filmed after Simpson confessed he killed the pair in self-defense to a producer from inside prison.
“He told the producer: ‘Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defense. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself.’
“O.J. said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage.”
Simpson allegedly told the producer he ‘didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.
‘I went over there to give her a piece of my mind.’
When he arrived and no one answered at the house, he started pounding the door and shouting.
The door allegedly then swung open and Nicole was standing there with a kitchen knife in her hand.
‘O.J. told the producer, “she was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air.
“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.
“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long..”‘
He allegedly went on to tell the producer he also knifed Ron Goldman in self-defense as he tried to attack Simpson when he turned up at the home soon after and spotted Nicole’s body on the floor.

Unfortunately, today a spokesperson for Oprah said, “It’s not true.”

So does that mean OJ didn’t tell her producer this? Or are certain parts not true, and she’s pouting and issuing this blanket denial because the Enquirer got the details out before she did.

Because it sounds true. That story had a lot of details, and it totally sounds dumb enough for OJ to have thought up. According to the autopsy, the wound that killed Nicole was, “gaping and exposes the larynx and cervical vertebral column. It measures 5 1/2 x 2 1/2 inches.” In other words he damn near chopped her head off. The only time you can chop someones head off in self defense is if you’re a Jedi.

someone tried to murder Joss Stone

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 1:07 PM

joss_stone

Murder in England sounds really complicated, because police have arrested two men who were reportedly plotting to kill Joss Stone. With swords. She’s safe now but an APB has been issued for Captain Hook and Prince Humperdinck.

Two men have been arrested near Joss Stone’s home on suspicion of conspiracy to rob and murder, after reportedly being found in a car with swords, rope, a body bag, plans of her house (and) maps and aerial photos of her property.
…the men were arrested Monday morning near Stone’s house after residents reported a suspicious-looking vehicle.
Stone said in a statement that she was “absolutely fine and getting on with life as normal” as police faced a deadline to charge or release the suspects.

That map of her house was maybe the sort of thing they should have just memorized. You could maybe, maybe, bullshit your way around the swords and body bag, but not when they’re underneath a blueprint of the house your parked outside of. They might as well have had pictures of her with tomorrows date and X’s for eyes drawn over it.

Billy Bob Thortons daughter killed a baby

By brendon June 02, 2011 @ 1:43 PM

amy_childs_bikini_buddha_beach_party_marbella_spain_may_28_2011

Billy Bob Thorton has four kids with three women, and all those names must get confusing so he hasn’t spoken to his oldest child Amanda Brumfield in a really long time (he had her in 1979 with his first wife Melissa Gatlin, whom he was married to from 1978 to 1980).

Long story short, he was a terrible parent, and now Amanda is in jail. Originally charged with first-degree murder and aggravated child-abuse, today she was convicted of manslaughter after a 1 year old girl she was babysitting died from a head injury. CBS News says…

Brumfield claimed the child was trying to climb out of a playpen when she fell and hit her head (but) waited more than two hours to call for help
Brumfield told investigators that the child initially appeared fine after her injury and that’s why she waited to get help.
Prosecutors argued it’s impossible for a fall from that height to cause the three-and-a-half inch fracture and bleeding and swelling found in the girl’s brain.

That’s not Billy Bobs daughter in the headline pic btw. She’s ugly, and this shit was depressing enough without having to look at ugly people, so instead that’s Amy Childs of the UK reality show ‘The Only Way Is Essex’. She has big tits, dyed red hair and she spent the weekend in a bikini in Marbella, Spain, drinking beer and texting with her legs splayed apart. I think I’m in love.

FUN FACT – Christopher Nolans brother also killed someone.

Snooki crashed into an Italian police car

By brendon May 31, 2011 @ 12:26 PM

snooki_crash_police_car

Everyone on ‘Jersey Shore’ is dumb as a rock, so to say that Snooki is the dumbest one means she’s practically retarded. It’s like being the ugliest catfish.

True to form, she crashed into the back of a police car this weekend while filming in Florence, putting the two officers in the hospital for minor injuries. She was then taken into custody, though not arrested, because she didn’t have any of her paperwork (oh what a surprise), and will now lose her driving privileges.

It’s actually amazing she even made it to the street without crashing. Whatever the gene is for spatial reasoning, women don’t have it. They’re awesome at a lot of things but they can’t measure for shit. Look at that headline picture. I guarantee her last words were, “I can make that, right?” So to let her drive in Italy had disaster written all over it. You might as well blindfold her and spin her around first.

(image source = pacific coast)

Lindsay Lohan began her “prison sentence” today

By brendon May 26, 2011 @ 3:58 PM

fp_7353361_lohan_lindsay_brj_07_15-1

Even before Lindsay Lohan was officially sentenced in her felony theft trial, she went and registered to begin her community service. It was a sure sign that she had changed and things would be different this time, as long as you ignore the fact that this is what she does every single time before a sentencing to trick the judge.

And once again a judge bought her bullshit and went easy on her. Then, instead of going back to actually start her community service, she went to Miami and hung out on the beach. And today she reported to begin her 120 day jail sentence.

After that, naturally, she went home. Because the end result of all of this, all the cocaine and DUI’s and kidnapping and carjacking and violating probation and lying to judges and police, is 14 days of house arrest. Then she’ll be released due to prison overcrowding, even though, to repeat, she’s not actually in prison.

Us magazine says…

Lindsay Lohan began serving her house arrest Thursday morning after turning herself in to authorities.
The 24-year-old actress arrived at Lynwood Jail at 5:02 a.m. to check in, where she was fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet. She was then sent home to her townhouse in Venice, Calif.

This is so wildly offensive, I honestly don’t even want to think about it. The only way her house arrest will be satisfying is if it ends the same way Anne Franks did.

UPDATE: aww god dammit. ok so i screwed up some dates in the original post. its fixed now. people do realize its just me here, right? so when i screw things up there’s no one to tell me that until i publish and look like an asshole.

Estella Warren got a DUI, seems fun

By brendon May 24, 2011 @ 1:45 PM

estella_warren_lingerie

Estella Warren, the model and actress who is probably best known either from the Tim Burton ‘Planet of the Apes’ or the Chanel Little Red Riding Hood commercial (this), can now add another title to her resume; crazy bitch.

Because just before midnight last night, she crashed her Toyota Prius into three parked cars. That’s bad driving, but in her defense, she was pretty drunk. When police arrived on the scene, she resisted arrest and even kicked one of the cops trying to bring her in.

After finally working their magic and subduing the 90 pound girl, the LAPD cuffed her and brought her to the station to be booked. Then, like a real-life Nikita, Estella wiggled out of her handcuffs and headed for the back door to escape. It was basically the first 30 seconds of the Columbiana trailer.

Now she’ll be charged with felony escape (she was caught before she ever left the building, btw), assault, DUI, and hit and run. Hopefully they’ll handcuff her for trial too. And lock her in a tank underwater, and then when the trial begins, they’ll pull the curtain off the tank and she’ll be all the way on the other side of the room, soaking wet but ok. How does she do that!