By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:11 PM
It must be nice to make the cut above Hooters waitress. Your soul smells less like fried chicken. I’d scalpel, insert, freeze, super-size, inject, and satanically murder whatever it took to reach the rung where you got bathrobes and director’s chairs on breaks instead of a guy named Carlos trying to massage your sideboob. I probably wouldn’t let Dana White in my shorts, but a few Tuesday nights slinging wings for tips might change my mind.
Photo Credit: Alan Dawe
By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Miami used to be the place you’d go to browse markets for the freshest cocaine. Then maybe in the evening be sucker punched by one of the Canseco brothers. Now you can also see girls like Arianny Celeste in their bikinis taking a break from their jobs of being in bikinis. I’ve liked Arianny Celeste ever since she beat the crap out of her boyfriend in a limo. I appreciate a women who lets you know how she’s going to hurt you in advance. That’s either jaded or sensible or both.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 6:24 PM
I like that we live in a world where girls can become famous simply for being attractive and holding their fantastic breasts in their own hands for photographs. It’s really what separates us from the animals. We’re no longer an agrarian, manual labor based society. Without the meritless promotion of superficial strength and beauty, we’d start making unattractive smart people our demigods rather than muscular athletes and girls with fantasy tits. You don’t want to find yourself masturbating to an Angela Merklel poster on your high school bedroom wall. If it’s the one where she’s looking right at you, trust me, you can’t finish to that.
Photo Credit: Fitness Gurls Magazine
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 4:21 PM
Men give up a lot for women they want to know biblically. They’ll surrender their fortunes, sell out their friends, break up their families. I’ve heard more than one guy say he’d give up his left nuts for a night with some good looking woman. Perhaps a left nut is pretty relatively minor. My adopted dog has no nuts and he’s the happiest sonuvabitch you ever met. I like to imagine he surrendered them after one sweaty night of humping some hairy bitch in heat. Maybe that permanent smile he wears is him reliving that glorious night of conquest on endless loop in his brain, and knowing he no longer carries the burden of all the work that a repeat performance would involve. I’m not saying you ought castrate yourself, I’m just suggesting you’ll probably be miserable until you do.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex November 04, 2013 @ 7:04 PM
I don’t know who invented the idea of great looking girls walking around rings full of blood holding up cards to help out people who can’t count up to three, but, thank you. We invent so much shit that isn’t necessary, like all that stuff they keep awarding Nobel prizes. Thank you for battery powered cars, on behalf of the 1/10th of one-percent of people driving them. At the same time, we completely overlook people who figured out how to help get you drunk for less than five dollars or the NFL Red Zone app that lets you watch every single touchdown on your effin’ phone. Real genius never gets celebrated.
Photo Credit: PCN, Splash