The Day the Music Should’ve Died

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Ariana Grande Preforms In Sheer Leotard At IHeartRadio Music Festival
I don’t speak crazy, but if I did, I’d have Twitter alerted those whackadoo Islamic radicals to attack Satan right in the iHeart Radio Music Festival. Something that takes out the evil sounds of the Western world’s crap producing musical powerhouses. They were all there in Vegas over the weekend. Lip synching mannequins creating future regret-filled memories for our nation’s youth. Maybe even crappier pop music would rise from the ashes. But maybe there’d be a dude who can actually play guitar, and one who can sing without choral support, and one who can drum who would take their place. It’s all just a dream I suppose. No way the bad guys get across our borders.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jessica Alba’s Company Now Worth A Billion

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:23 PM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Walking With Friend in LA
Jessica Alba used to be good looking. Now she’s good looking and her chemical-free Westside mommy products company just got a one billion dollar valuation. She makes a shitload of money selling diapers and ointments to hyper concerned parents who believe this will turn their baby Jacobs and Madisons into glorious riders on the wind. Also, doctors and Google executives. Sadly, just like in the day when Dow chemical gave us certain ball cancer five decades down the road, Honest diapers and shampoos won’t make your kids grow up any happier or smarter or more successful. It will simply make them too good for Target underwear. Six pairs for twenty-five buck and I am living like a fucking king. I guarantee you Jacob will be asking for an increase in his adult allowance at 28 to keep himself in high hemp thread count man panties.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Kendra Wilkinson Takes Back the Wank

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 1:41 PM

Kendra Wilkinson Wears Long Shorts While Heading To A Studio In LA
Kendra Wilkinson is taking her tranny cock stroking husband back. The marital reconciliation can’t happen immediately as it’s been laid out for a slow reveal on Season whatever of Kendra’s reality show for a female audience who hate themselves more than they know. During the course of the season, you’ll see Kendra’s heartbreak in learning her husband is experimenting with cock in panties, which on the positive side will at least make her forget for a while how he hasn’t worked in four years. Kendra receives sagely advice from many corners, including her former sugar daddy Hugh Hefner who urges her to reconcile, but if not, to divorce Hank and have him murdered and buried deep at sea before the kids are old enough to remember him.

While the cheating scandal rests on Hank, Kendra will agree to accommodate his needs by dressing more like a lesbian boxer and ordering him to hold her purse more assertively. While this might keep Hank around for a bit, us more pragmatic follks know that a dude who loves dick is hardly going to make the most faithful spouse. It’s like a dog who’s tasted blood, they’re never going to be satisfied with Alpo. You either need to release them into the wild or put them down. I’m guessing all the family life insurance is resting on Kendra’s head, so probably just cost effective to give Hank a couple hundred bucks and release him in downtown Hollywood to find a new pack.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Tom Brady Barely Made It

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 1:20 PM

ResBrady

In a jarringly subtle Fuck You to the American male public, Tom Brady posted his dusty never used resume on Facebook. Brady’s credentials include schlepping coffee with his balls tucked in at Merrill Lynch and hawking golf equipment at a pro shop where he snuck free fountain sodas. Of course Shark Tankers like Giselle Bundchen love their men regardless, but odds are he’d have been shut down whilst presenting this flimsy doc to her at a Marriott wine mixer. For Bundchen, love at first sight happens when you pause flipping channels. Once you Google the chap’s contract and have your publicist arrange a meet and greet your love becomes truly unconditional and is conceived once your in house doctor scans his smelly ween with a black light.

A bad draft combine and Brady ends up as the smiling sales rep with the too high khakis at Ann Arbor Toyota. You’d call your buddy and make fun of him after he up sells you a Tundra. His pudgy wife in tow, Brady would genuinely chomp at the bit to tell you of the addition to his 800 square foot rambler as you signed the papers. Now he wants to rub it in your face that he vacations on clit mountain in Ibiza and the constant grind you’ve been measuring your life on could have been eradicated had you watched 8 Mile before your sophomore football tryouts and stood up straight. Brady got drafted on hustle, and I’m sure he hustled just as hard for those shanked balls. Having drive is good, but only when you become a kick ass NFL quarterback. Otherwise you’re just that overly enthusiastic dude working at the golf course showing irrevocable love to your muffin top fiancee while your boss makes you clean the beer off the carpets.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Jasmine Tridevil Has Three Tits

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 12:09 PM

Jasmine Tridevil Gets Third Breast Implant
Jasmine Tridevil, I’m going to assume that isn’t her real given name, decided that the best way to get herself an MTV reality show was to implant a third crappy breast in between her other two. She thinks MTV loves a cheap freak show with tits for its reality lineup. She’s right. Jasmine’s biggest issue was finding a plastic surgeon willing to deform her just for the tridevil of it. Get it? Fuck you, I’m still getting over Hope Solo’s Beefaroni.

Jasmine says the first fifty plastic surgeons she approached turned her down. Which in Floriday means you have to go an additional block to find the titty doctor who will take your cash. Jasmine’s family has entirely disowned her since the procedure. They were fine with her as a 20-year old two-titted out-call masseuse, that’s a Tampa high achiever, but three tits, don’t you come knocking on the trailer door where you grow’d up. Life has always been punitive to the bold. Those daring innovators willing to put their own well-being at risk to push the envelope of human endeavor. That is, until the four titted chick comes along and Jasmine becomes the horse and buggy in the age of the automobile. I’d call MTV and  try to move things along.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Ray Rice Claims He Was Mis-Framed

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 11:14 AM

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Ray Rice’s chief line of defense in appealing his indefinite suspension from the NFL will reportedly be that his World Star Hip Hop Wife Fight was unfairly edited. The video making rounds was released by TMZ, and aside from it sparking an unsolicited meltdown from your one lesbian friend at Happy Hour, it also fucked up Rice’s fight scene continuity. TMZ edited out the boring parts of Rice’s knockout like ESPN does the uneventful rounds on Friday Night Fight re runs. TMZ explained they originally released the full version of the incident and then cut it down because their audience lacks the control to halt their sweets indulging while hemming for something gratuitous as they complain about not finding any Real Men Out There. TMZ explained:

“As we initially reported, the original raw video was jerky . . . so we removed the reverse frames.”

I’m no James Cameron, which is why I am suspicious of this explanation since it offers no elaboration. Its like listening to Dr Oz talk about toxins. Every fiber tells you it’s bullshit but you are too dumb to explain why. Rice will most likely be proven correct on a technicality, yet the NFL lacks three branches of government and he will still be 9 ironed on his way out of arbitration by Goodell’s thugs. There are a lot of ways to take this, but being an argumentative asshole who got kicked out of the party is not going to get you back into it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Ariana Grande Has No Life Coach And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Ariana-Grande-in-Jones-Crow-Promo-Shoot

Ariana Grande’s life coach quit because Ariana is so insufferable. What kind of impossible bitch do you have to be for your life coach to quit on you? What she needs is some counseling from the “shut the fuck up and go sit in the corner” school of psychology. I had that from K-12 and I came out a perfect egg.

Find out why Ariana can’t even pay people to be around her. (Dlisted)

I see London, I see France, I see Taylor Swift’s underpants. (Drunken Stepfather)

Just how much of a loser is Aaron Carter, you may ask? A big one. (Huffington Post)

Check out Courtney Stodden’s tits at some pussy film festival or something. (Hollywood Tuna)

You know when you are a reporter and you quit on the air to go sell weed… (TMZ)

Hermione goes to the United Nations to talk about the growing influence of Voldemort. (COED)

Do you want to see Emanuela de Paula in a bikini? Well, you’re in luck! (Popoholic)

Alicia Keys’ Message Lacks Focus

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

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Alicia Keys or someone with more money than its author paid for an op in the New York Times which takes on the controversial view that she is amazing. Pulling every punch, the suck fest explains how Keys’ heart wrenching decision to take ten minutes and finger paint a peace sign onto her swollen pregnant gut is a gesture of heroism worthy of a Purple Heart:

“Alicia Keys said she knew this image would draw attention, which is just what she wants as she builds an army of fans who want to make the world a better place for all.”

Keys took $1 million dollars of personal tax write offs and donated to a variety of charities. She encourages her fans to do the same, presumably unless they run out of pancake mix for the children after paying Ticketmaster’s $12 dollar service fees to watch her lecture them between loud covers at The Garden. Keys laid out in detail the charities those who want to change the world should donate to, preferably without researching their payroll situations:

“All Out, a gay rights organization; CARE, the aid group; Equal Justice Initiative, which combats racial inequity in the criminal justice system; the Future Project, which empowers high school students in America; Girl Rising, which supports girls’ education around the world; Keep a Child Alive, which helps children affected by H.I.V. and AIDS; Moms Rising, which supports universal prekindergarten, maternal leaves and tighter gun laws; Oxfam, which fights global poverty; Partners in Health, which tackles disease worldwide; the Trevor Project, which prevents suicide among gay and lesbian youths; the Trayvon Martin Foundation, which fights racial profiling; and War Child, which supports children in conflict areas.”

Her effort must be commended, yet Keys failed to explicitly detail the most crucial part of her quest to save humanity from the 0.7 percent of humanity making more coin than her. One can give all the money in the world but we will not see real change until we pose naked and paint our temporarily engorged torsos with meaningless and simplified symbols proven to be futile. If there was one thing we learned in Vietnam, it’s that everyone is full of shit.

Photo Credit: Instagram