Victoria Beckham’s Life Is Much Better Than Yours

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Victoria Beckham turned 40 years old yesterday, which is truly remarkable if you consider the fact that none of the Spice Girls ever looked that young when they were popular. If you’d have asked me how old I thought she or the other women who didn’t marry one of the most famous and wealthiest men in the world were today, I’d have probably started with the high 70s and worked my way down in total disbelief. But Posh and David Beckham are still pretty young and incredibly rich, so they spent her birthday somewhere that none of us poor assholes have even heard of. They probably already live on Elysium and we just won’t know about it until we’re all wearing robot armor and trying to fight the mutated AIDS virus off.

Photo Credit: Victoria Beckham Twitter

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Remembering Better Days

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

For most people, Throwback Thursday is a way to let your friends know that you hate the way that your life has turned out and you want nothing more in the world than to travel back in time to the days when things weren’t as shitty and meaningless. But for Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s just a way to throw some more battery acid at her ruined marriage to Chris Martin, as she tweeted this photo with her kids along with the message “luckiest mom ever.” Is she trying to tell Chris that their kids love her more than him? Yes, she absolutely is, because Gwyneth Paltrow is a mean, hateful demon who was birthed on this planet straight from Satan’s butthole. But her kids sure do love her, that’s for certain.

Kim Kardashian Channels Audrey Hepburn

By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM

Kim Kardashian Booty On A Bike For A Photo Shoot In Miami
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Nikki Lund And Nikki Leigh Take Their Workouts Seriously

By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Nikki Lund And Nikki Leigh Show Off Their Cleavage Working Out In Indian Wells
One of these mega-yammed bleached blond Nikkis is a Playboy model and the other is currently designing a line of leopard skin pants with Richie Sambora. I could look it up and figure out which one is which, but that would break our implied social contract. We pretend that we stumbled upon these two fun-sized lasses working the 3-lb dumbbells in their backyard. They pretend they don’t know there’s a cameraman snapping digitals down their tops. And we all agree not to mention the phrase, all-day masturbation candy. It’s a tripwire type deal. But nary a missile was fired in four decades of Cold War. That shit works.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Irina Shayk Is Better At Selfies Than You

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Technically this isn’t a selfie, but technically I don’t give a shit either way, because one day this world is going to end, and eventually a new alien species will arrive to repopulate Earth, and all they’ll find to learn about us will be a million photos of asshole teenagers holding their cameras away from their faces. But if more selfies looked like this one from model Irina Shayk, maybe I wouldn’t be so negative about the stupid trends that kids follow these days. All we need are a few rules, like guys can’t take selfies at all, and neither can unattractive girls or girls who make those stupid fucking duck faces. And for good measure, only girls who are 18 are older can take selfies. Sure, you can call this sexist and misogynistic, but I guarantee that everyone would eventually agree that selfies were 1,000% better.

Photo Credit: Irina Shayk Instagram

Little Rachel McGuire Is All Grown Up

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

The only thing that bullshit nostalgia is ever really good for is lining a studio’s or network’s pockets once the public starts acting like some old TV show was greater than it actually was. Case in point, Boy Meets World is getting a new spinoff series called Girl Meets World, because those kids weren’t terrible enough actors back in the 90s, and we should bring them back now as really terrible adult actors. However, Maitland Ward is starting to give me a change of heart about this negativity, as the actress who played Rachel McGuire on the original series attended last night’s premiere of A Haunted House 2 in Los Angeles. I’d watch Girl Meets World if it’s a show about Maitland wearing this dress with no bra or underwear as she travels the globe, twirling her hula hoop. That has to be good enough for at least three seasons before she turns 40 and I lose interest again.

Photo Credits: Getty

Paulina Gretzky Is the New Face of Golf

By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM

Paulina Gretzky Chesty In The May 2014 Issue Of Golf Digest
People who take golf super seriously are expressing concern over Paulina Gretzky raking in the cover of Golf Digest magazine. It’s supposed to be a serious periodical spanning the world of golf. People who subscribe believe that golf is a sport, as opposed to a game played largely by fat men in tan slacks. Paulina Gretzky doesn’t play the game. She’s just pretty fucking hot and getting married to a dude who does. A gaggle of talented lesbian pro golfers are wondering why they can’t earn a cover. People who follow magazines get pretty fucking sensitive about their covers. Vogue readers were pissed when Kim Kardashian shat herself onto the cover of their fashion bible. Readers were irate when the surviving Boston marathon bomber was shown looking supercool on the cover of Rolling Stone. And some impulsive folks start fires in the streets when they see black people on any cover. The magazines I get mostly feature good looking girls. I canceled my subscription to Maxim when Miley earned their sexiest girl in the universe spot. I stand on some principle. I don’t feel the rage over Paulina Gretzky and her tits being the face of Golf Digest. If she took off her top and pleasured herself with a putter, I’d probably get a three year subscription.

Photo Credit: Golf Digest

Megyn Kelly Takes On Jenny McCarthy In A Sexy News Segment (VIDEO)

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

In a recent op-ed in the Chicago Sun-Times, Jenny McCarthy made the very interesting claim that she is not and never has been “anti-vaccine,” despite her years of being a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccine movement. Instead, she’s blaming blogs for misquoting her after all this time, as she wrote that she’s always been cool with vaccines, and she just believes that certain kids should have to get less shots. Either way, the point all along should have been that if you take medical advice from Jenny Fucking McCarthy, then you should probably accept that your stupid ass had it coming.

Fox News eye candy Megyn Kelly smelled blood in the wet t-shirt contest and went to town on Jenny’s flip-flopping, as her millions of old white male viewers cheered her on. But the only real solution is for Megyn to have Jenny on her show for an actual debate, in which they have to use body paints on each other to make their points.