By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 11:24 AM
Nicole Scherzinger is the U.K. X-Factor judge who didn’t get caught in a drug conspiracy case or fuck a baby into his friend’s wife this past year. That makes her something akin to the Elks Club Teenager of the Month. She also has a nice bikini body. Which makes her much better than any of those pimply faced toadies who get $25 from the BPOE for volunteering at the local library. We could talk about how Nicole is a fascinating person, or we could stare wantonly at her bikini tits and think about where babies come from. You tell me which sounds like a more appropriate use of your time.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 11:04 AM
Justin Bieber is one of those drunk hicks on Cops who thought he was shooting a possum that turned out to be his mildly retarded older brother, Billy. Except he’s that dumbass with $100 million in the bank. Which means he’s a dangerous fucking idiot weapon. Bieber got arrested again, this time in rural Canada. He crashed his ATV with both he and Selena Gomez in the bitch seat into a mini-van. Naturally, he started threatening the mini-van occupants with his hair products. Canada is not big enough for Justin Bieber and you.
If you know anything about minivan occupants, you can only imagine the toughies he was challenging to impress his woman. I remember being arrested once in my youth for a minor offense and being run through the ringer. Bieber seems to be on about number seven here and he’s likely to get ‘must sing Anne Murray song at Edmonton Oilers half time show’ as the full extent of his punishment. I’m starting to fall in line with the true believers who always spout that ‘God will call him to answer’. I just hope when Bieber answers it’s something Old Testament horrific and I get to watch with my 3-D glasses.
Photo credit: PCN
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 10:27 AM
A woman who decapitates her boobs because of possible future cancer isn’t the kind of woman that waits around for shit. After just twelve years of making, extricating, and PayPal-ing for babies with Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie decided to get hitched. They were running that line for a while about how they couldn’t get married until all the gay people in the world had the same right. Also, until Taco Bell started serving breakfast. The two signs of a progressive society. Without being able to find any more excuses, the couple vowed to love honor and cherish each other, mother earth, and the subjugated tribes of the Southern Sudan. Angelina wore a bridal gown decorated with art work from her seventeen or so children. It was sort of like a congratulations, you’re no longer blended family bastards, now gimme your crayon drawings. Some were happy family drawings, some rainbows and sunshine, but the troubled one from Southeast Asia brought down the mood with his Killing Fields depiction. Congratulations to the newlyweds for at least not putting naked photos of themselves on iCloud.
Photo Credit: Hello! and People
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 9:50 AM
I don’t know what these girls are shooting into their shitters to make them extra bulbous and grotesquely disproportionate, but I’d like two quarts for my girlish calves. Rappers have this thing about fat assed women, but I have to imagine Ice-T is every now and again banging his lady and feeling like one badly ashamed shepherd. Once I saw the first fatback wave traveling across those cheeks like a deep seismic buckle, I think I’d go back to drinking with my boys and beating up guys who talked about how hot my wife’s ass is.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 8:50 AM
Nicole Murphy’s reps are pushing some story about how she’s getting over her breakup with Michael Strahan by doubling her efforts on promoting her crappy wine. Destiny Moscato, I guess that’s a wine. It sounds like a porn star who will only do ATM after her boyfriend kisses her with cocaine on his lips. It’s always amazing to see what Hollywood ex-wives will do once they are empty nesters with free time and a little investment cash on their hands. Signature crappy liquor seems to be a common theme. Destiny is described as:
a beautiful sparkling moscato wine with a perfect blend of both sweet and citrus flavors, and an effervescence reminiscent of a fine champagne.
So, it’s basically sweet wine coolers for sorority girls to become statistics by. I guess part of the world does need that. Maybe Michael Strahan will take Nicole back so she can stop brewing her date rape in a bottle. She’s not bad looking for a boy.
Photo Credit: KDNPIX
By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 7:06 AM
I was cool pretending Serena Williams was merely the big-boned sister. Maybe even the unusually strong girl in the Romanian circus. But this power of Greyskull muscle mass is getting out of control. Serena’s rocking the Road Warrior pythons. She and dad and sister can pull all the test results they want out of their ass, something’s amiss. I’d investigate, but you go snooping around the Island of Dr. Moreau, you come back half gnu.
Photo credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt September 02, 2014 @ 6:09 AM
Kourtney Kardashian pretended to reveal to her unemployed boyfriend that she’s pregnant with their third out of wedlock child. Disick shuttered at the notion. Possibly because Kourtney asked him to shut the door so they could be in private with a camera crew. Or maybe he just did some basic math splits on what he gets after he dumps her body in the quarry. Disick ranted to a degree a sober person would find suspicious:
“This is ridiculous. It is always so sneaky with you. You need to stop lying to me…You just keep suckering me into these kids… I just kind of thought that at two we did not want to have any more kids and now I have to look after three. Just saying it is freaking me out.”
Although this pregnancy seems like a total disaster, Disick is actually doing the zygote a favor. Years later when the child has grown up to a pill popping teen with inadequacy issues, it will begin searching for answers. Most of these kids have to fly to Tampa to meet their estranged alcoholic father in the Elephant Bar for a disappointing heart to heart. This little bastard will have Youtube.