Bikini Coffee Shacks Full Of Hookers

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 6:26 AM

Jugs

The owner of a popular chain of bikini coffee stands in Washington state, including Java Jugs and Twin Peaks, has been charged with promoting prostitution. Carmela Panico is madame of the shops in which girls wear bikinis and high heels while serving horrible coffee that nobody could care less about. It turns out many of the baristas are prostitutes performing sex acts on guys willing to nut up and switch from Starbucks. Prosecutors say the world’s most likable baristas were flashing their tits or twats and stroking customers with those cardboard hot beverage wraps. Panico’s home was raided and cops found hundreds of thousands of pimp dollars which she tried to explain away as Scratcher winnings. Now she’s going to jail and the only worthwhile coffee outlets in this country are going to be shuttered. Unless somebody was asking for a Cup of Hot Finish, a dunk in the steeping java when cumming, I’m calling this a victimless crime.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Cee Lo Did Have Sex With That Woman, But It’s All Cool

By Matt September 01, 2014 @ 6:18 AM

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Cee Lo Green copped a plea deal in a case where he was accused of drugging a woman with ecstasy. The woman claims she woke up naked and confused in Cee Lo’s bed. That can’t be a pleasant way to start your day. Cee Lo claims the two of them voluntarily took E together and they had been fucking on the regular. Cee Lo would fly the chick around from time to time and buy her whatever hand bag was worthy of the sexual fantasy he was nursing at the time. Every one kind of agreed that Cee Lo’s offense didn’t amount to date rape but it did amount to the kind of behavior that gets you kicked out of Congress. Green now has to do a shit ton of community service and attend a year’s worth of weekly AA meetings where he will be reminded that the only trustworthy escort is a dead escort.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kate Upton Got Topless With Justin Verlander

By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 7:58 PM

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Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.

Jennifer Lawrence Topless Maybe; Did Gwyneth Leak These Photos?

By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

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Update: never underestimate the power of celebrities with big guns. The photos are no longer here. I do believe the Jennifer Lawrence topless photos are still alive and well on Reddit….

 

Fuck, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow has the capability of nabbing photos off the world’s digital servers, though she has the motive since Gay Beethoven and she split and he started dating Jennifer Lawrence. Of course, sending out pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s big ole perfect titties doesn’t seem like much of a revenge plot. Oh, yeah, now nobody likes her. According to 4Chan, the Internet’s most unclaimed fountain of crap, these photos are legit. They sure look like Jennifer Lawrence the last time I saw her naked. I wouldn’t make any definitive judgements until you’re done masturbating. Refractory periods are when the Muses step in.

You know, Kirsten, You’re Even Pretty When You’re Fat

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

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Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is so angry that her older male colleagues made comments about her weight and looks, she wrote a memoir about all of the three in total horrible things she remembers them saying to her while a member of Congress. Now, she’s selling that memoir for money without mentioning any of her horrible harassers names, because that’s Senatorial. Also a good way to avoid lawsuits while still raking in the book advances.

Congressmen as a lot are the salted scum of the earth. You’d have to bring up NFL linebackers before you found a bigger group of blowhards, criminals, and tawdry misogynistic bastards. Still, if the best you can come up with is a few inappropriate comments by various octogenarian Dixiecrats bumbling around the capitol, not exactly the harrowing tales of shit sandwiches women on the front lines have to consume, let alone young models who have an ‘Uncle Terry’ appointment on their iPhone calendars. Still, the comments were horrible and biting:

Good thing you’re working out, because you wouldn’t want to get porky,

Cut you to the quick, sister. Do you realize how many times my own parents have told me this very same thing? Naturally, it’s different when a man says it to a woman who happens to be writing a book about how crappy men treat women in Congress. It got worse:

You know, Kirsten, you’re even pretty when you’re fat

Holy crap. How did you survive that poison barb? Gillibrand admits that the older Congressman’s intentions were sweet, even if he was being an idiot. Then, like a couple more comments about her being chubby but cute happened. Totaling almost a handful in just a half dozen years. Can you imagine being at a job where somebody told you something sweet but inappropriate almost once a year? Fuck, I’d write a book too and go on talk shows and People magazine trying to sell the shit out of it. What are your other options? Senators don’t hold the nuclear launch codes.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rihanna Drinks Until She Breaks Out

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 1:38 PM

Rihanna In A Black Bikini Boarding A Yacht In Sicily
Rihanna works hard and plays harder. That’s so fucking Bajan. But even she knows you can’t get loaded every single day of the year. When her zits start bursting and dousing the kids in the front row, she goes full temperance.

When I feel like my skin has had it, I cut all the alcohol completely and overdo the water.

If you think being an alchy who has to worry about her complexion is easy, think again. It’s enough just to worry about being fired or arrested or having sex with David Spade on accident. Now you have to worry about covering your whiteheads before a Vogue shoot? I’d turn directly to heroin. It’s a natural appetite suppressant and outside of the sallow skin and the dead eyes, your smooth as a naked cat. Until you quit and your body turns into one giant scab. But quitters never win.

Seems sensible enough.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kanye’s Dad Was A Pap And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 29, 2014 @ 12:55 PM

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Loathsome douchenozzle Kanye West said in response to getting sued by a paparazzo that he can’t hate them because his dad used to be one. Also, he can’t hate people who die during liposuction because… well, never mind.

Read more of Kanye trying to pretend he’s cool with the paps. (Movie Pilot)

Coco’s ass cannot be contained by a g-string bikini. It must run free! (Dlisted)

Megan Fox throws like a girl. (Popoholic)

Sexy Olivia Munn wears a tight shirt to support her man at Lambeau Field. (Busted Coverage)

A swarm of bees attacked Blake Lively. They were pissed at her because of her stupid blog. (Huffington Post)

Beyonce’s dad says divorce rumors were just a publicity stunt to promote their crappy shows. (The Superficial)

Emma Stone and her stupid face show off some sexy cleavage. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kendall Jenner Denies Being a Cold Texter

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Kendall Jenner In A see Through Top With Kylie Jenner Promoting Their DuJour Magazine Shoot In New York
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:

I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.

Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.

Photo Credit: Getty, INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News