Let’s Keep Pretending Miley Cyrus Had Bad Antibiotics

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

I prefer when the publicists just say the young drug experimenting and partying performers are suffering from exhaustion or vocal chord fatigue or whatever other bullshit to explain why tours are being canceled and why the stars are mysteriously hold up in hospital wards. But I guess allergic reaction to an antibiotic is the new ‘wants to spend more time with her family’. Journey taught us that the road ain’t no place to raise a family, but it is an excellent place to chase down some happy pills with Jack and Cokes. Occasionally bands will cancel tours for non-drug related reasons. The dude from Kings of Leon canceled the tour a couple summers back because he just wanted to bang the shit out of his new Victoria’s Secret wife. Van Halen’s reunion concert got shut down when the crotchety old dudes just couldn’t stand to fucking look at each other sober. But, by and large, it’s recreational substances. Though that was refuted by Miley’s publicists:

Miley was suffering from a sinus infection during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed the antibiotic Cephalexin which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to. This type of extreme reaction can last from five to 27 days in these types of cases. She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time. Miley is devastated about missing shows and possibly disappointing her fans.

That certainly seems official. Despite first hand accounts of Miley’s massive weed smoking, it’s hard to argue with publicist penned science. I can certainly give her my compassion at this time. Privacy is another matter. I’d like to retain that for myself. I do hope Miley gets better. I bet her drug connect does too.

Photo credit: Splash News

Amped Up White People Need to Stop Climbing Mount Everest

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:33 PM

George Leigh Mallory was the first prep school dick from England to be famous for trying to climb Mount Everest. He’s the guy who when asked in the 1920′s why he wanted to climb the mountain, he said ‘because it’s there’. Then he asked a bunch of rich socialites in New York to give him some cash so he and his Cambridge rowing buddy could go climb Everest. This was after his first expedition where seven Sherpa were killed in an avalanche. Sherpa are the alpine grunts of Nepal who economically depend on rich white tourists coming to climb their big fucking mountain. If they lived in Acapulco, they’d be serving sunburned white people cocktails with umbrellas and providing cocaine and prostitute hookups. But they got stuck in Tibet, so they need to go hang ropes at 25,000 feet and test the trails as human avalanche bait. Now another twelve or more Sherpa have died in an avalanche preparing for Spring climbing season when ambitious dicks with a need to take epic selfies come by the thousands to scale the peak. Twelve is officially the record in one fell swoop, although who knows how many countless Sherpa have died in the past hundred years carrying protein bars and Vitamin water for the adventuresome tourists. At least George Leigh Mallory had the decency to perish on his last climb up the mountain. They found his frozen body seventy years later. None of the North Face clad Western climbers took a scratch from this latest avalanche. It sucks to be born Sherpa.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Serena Williams Is Raw Power

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:06 PM

Serena Williams Booty In A Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I think it’s great that women feel body positive or whatever term is in vogue in 2014 for women without model frames to hang out mostly naked and drink fruity cocktails and bitch about that whore Nancy at work and feel good about themselves. Why not feel positive about your body. Fuck what other people think. Go to Europe and you’ll see countless mounds of flab and furry naked badger like creatures rolling like barrels around the beaches worshipping the sun like it can somehow heal their hibernating woodland mammal features. You’ll see them rhythmically puffing cigarettes out of one or more of their chunked up orifices, allowing their lack of humility to serve as their one way Eurail ticket to the good life. So take to the beaches in your bikinis, women of all shapes and sizes, non polygons of various vertices and bubbling anatomical insulation. You’re all welcome at my sandy shore. Except for you, Serena, you scare the fuck out of me. You’ve got to go.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Fameflynet

Joanna Krupa’s Ass Might be Headed West

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 4:21 PM

Joanna Krupa Shows Off Her Booty In A Minidress In West Hollywood
If you love seeing sliced up middle aged married crones getting loaded and screaming at each other before falling down and crying about their lives, then you probably give a shit about the Real Housewives shows on Bravo! Also, if you’re gay and you’re going to a dinner party any time soon, you should probably catch up. There’s a rumor that model and alleged former escort Joanna Krupa is being moved from the Real Housewives of Miami to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She’s even put her swank Miami condo on the block. In the world of cheesecake eating ladies whose asses carry the patterned designs of their sofas, this is basically Babe Ruth being traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees. Or sold as he was. Which is more apropos given Joanna’s past. I mean, alleged past. Not that I look down on working ladies. Though I am one of those guys who proudly says he’s never paid for sex in his life while having been bankrupted by every single girl he’s ever slept with. Which has nothing to do with Joanna’s ass which was spotted in Los Angeles just yesterday. Bravo nation, start sucking harder on those Brach’s candies, this deal might be going down.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

James Franco Deals Well With Poor Reviews

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Professional handsome guy James Franco is all in a tizzy over an unfavorable review of his Broadway show. Franco is currently starring in a revival of Of Mice And Men where he plays George to Chris O’Dowd’s Lenny. Pissy New York Times Critic Ben Brantley thought the show sucked donkey balls. He said Franco sounded like Yosemite Sam. But, rather than take criticism like a man, Franco decided to lash out on that favorite tool for teen temper tantrums, Twitter:

“Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarrassed themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason, he’s an idiot.”

I haven’t seen the show. I’m too poor to both afford tickets and pay for my uncontrollable online porn habit. But it is scientifically impossible for this show to not suck. James Franco and Chris O’Dowd doing Steinbeck? I just said that like it means anything. Just picture James Franco being a shitty actor in tons of movies, then pretend he’s trying to do something subtle and poignant, like telling seventeen year old girls to meet him in a hotel room. The dude’s art is not subtle. It’s looking good and having a bawdy laugh at the world as he screws everyone’s daughters. So you’re not a good actor. You still get all the benefits of one. Shut that fucking Twitter account off already and ask AOL to kindly bring back their Teens Only chat rooms where you can conquest with more quiet dignity.

Kylie Jenner’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Whore

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

Kylie Jenner In Daisy Dukes Leaving Sugarfish In Calabasas
Kylie Jenner finds it insulting that people insist she’s had plastic surgery just because she comes from a family obsessed with plastic surgery, mom, dad, sisters, I think the dog had a scrotal tuck. Also because even though she’s only how ever many fake years old, she looks pretty different than she did a year or two ago. Some website went to the trouble of documenting the change in the size of her lips, which I guess isn’t technically surgery, just collagen injections or rubbing poison ivy plucked from Khloe’s fresh dung onto your lips to make them ducky.

It really is easy to forget Kylie is just sixteen. You know, given that she’s been out of school for two years, is a TV star, has multiple merchandising lines, and tools around in her luxury SUV, Still, I can’t help recall the time Kim went on some stupid TV show to get x-rays to prove she didn’t have butt implants. No, just the tender blubber of slaughtered baby narwhals shot into her ass like so many black athletes looking to add their name to the list. A bit of the parsing of words, or as the Kardashians call them, those letters altogether thingees. I’d judge Kylie more if I wasn’t staring at her under-aged ass, which while perfectly legals, still seems pretty damn creepy. I like to think this is a safe place to share.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

WWE Blacklists Nancy Grace

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

The WWE has banned its wrestlers from going on shrill harpie Nancy Grace’s shitty talk show. We told you about her ambush of Diamond Dallas Page over the death of the Ultimate Warrior. He came on to talk about his friend but all the screaming crone wanted to do was pontificate about steroid use. She even had a doctor who never treated the Ultimate Warrior on to speculate that steroids are what killed him. All of that cable news nonsense pissed off WWE president and horse testes juice chugging Vince McMann who sent out a blanket threat that none of the WWE’s wrestlers can go to her show or talk to her without getting shitcanned from fake fighting. Blacklisted, biyatch! If only Vince could track any of his own cliche pro wrestline dramatic story lines. Being banned is awesome. It only gives you more power to make a comeback or stomp into the ring unexpected at Wrestlemania. This is a victory for the cockeyed shrew. It gives her something to be smug about. At some point, this will need to be settled in the only place that matters. The ring.

Laura Prepon Snags Tom Cruise

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 1:10 PM

Laura Prepon Looking Chesty At The Weinstein Company & Netflix's 2014 Golden Globes After Party In Los Angeles
When you’re dating Scientology, there’s no bigger catch than Tom Cruise. Forget the mock turtlenecks, the three divorces and the curiously produced offspring, Tom is the MVP of the descendants of Xenu and his intergalactic space armada. It’s like being the groupie chosen to go backstage after a Kenny G concert. It’s a get. And Laura Prepon done got it, including an invite as Tom’s date up to John Travolta’s house for a Cleansing Means I’m No Longer Gay dinner party. It’s like a David Geffen house party, only everybody there is only desperately thinking about sodomizing the male catering staff.. At 5’10″, Laura stands two feet taller than Tom Cruise who only through movie magic is able to hide his extreme dwarfism. But Tom’s always preferred the tall women as the dramatic height difference reminds him of his ultimate destiny to sneak undetected into the Castle of Bandau and release the Sleeping Warriors to seal victory for a bunch of self-loathing wealthy homosexuals on the down low in Hollywood. Laura Prepon, your ticket just got punched to take a spin on the Tom Cruise will fuck you up merry-go-round. See you in three years when Tom is helicoptering off with your inexplicably half-black baby child.

Photo Credit: Getty