By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
One of these mega-yammed bleached blond Nikkis is a Playboy model and the other is currently designing a line of leopard skin pants with Richie Sambora. I could look it up and figure out which one is which, but that would break our implied social contract. We pretend that we stumbled upon these two fun-sized lasses working the 3-lb dumbbells in their backyard. They pretend they don’t know there’s a cameraman snapping digitals down their tops. And we all agree not to mention the phrase, all-day masturbation candy. It’s a tripwire type deal. But nary a missile was fired in four decades of Cold War. That shit works.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Technically this isn’t a selfie, but technically I don’t give a shit either way, because one day this world is going to end, and eventually a new alien species will arrive to repopulate Earth, and all they’ll find to learn about us will be a million photos of asshole teenagers holding their cameras away from their faces. But if more selfies looked like this one from model Irina Shayk, maybe I wouldn’t be so negative about the stupid trends that kids follow these days. All we need are a few rules, like guys can’t take selfies at all, and neither can unattractive girls or girls who make those stupid fucking duck faces. And for good measure, only girls who are 18 are older can take selfies. Sure, you can call this sexist and misogynistic, but I guarantee that everyone would eventually agree that selfies were 1,000% better.
Photo Credit: Irina Shayk Instagram
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
The only thing that bullshit nostalgia is ever really good for is lining a studio’s or network’s pockets once the public starts acting like some old TV show was greater than it actually was. Case in point, Boy Meets World is getting a new spinoff series called Girl Meets World, because those kids weren’t terrible enough actors back in the 90s, and we should bring them back now as really terrible adult actors. However, Maitland Ward is starting to give me a change of heart about this negativity, as the actress who played Rachel McGuire on the original series attended last night’s premiere of A Haunted House 2 in Los Angeles. I’d watch Girl Meets World if it’s a show about Maitland wearing this dress with no bra or underwear as she travels the globe, twirling her hula hoop. That has to be good enough for at least three seasons before she turns 40 and I lose interest again.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM
People who take golf super seriously are expressing concern over Paulina Gretzky raking in the cover of Golf Digest magazine. It’s supposed to be a serious periodical spanning the world of golf. People who subscribe believe that golf is a sport, as opposed to a game played largely by fat men in tan slacks. Paulina Gretzky doesn’t play the game. She’s just pretty fucking hot and getting married to a dude who does. A gaggle of talented lesbian pro golfers are wondering why they can’t earn a cover. People who follow magazines get pretty fucking sensitive about their covers. Vogue readers were pissed when Kim Kardashian shat herself onto the cover of their fashion bible. Readers were irate when the surviving Boston marathon bomber was shown looking supercool on the cover of Rolling Stone. And some impulsive folks start fires in the streets when they see black people on any cover. The magazines I get mostly feature good looking girls. I canceled my subscription to Maxim when Miley earned their sexiest girl in the universe spot. I stand on some principle. I don’t feel the rage over Paulina Gretzky and her tits being the face of Golf Digest. If she took off her top and pleasured herself with a putter, I’d probably get a three year subscription.
Photo Credit: Golf Digest
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
In a recent op-ed in the Chicago Sun-Times, Jenny McCarthy made the very interesting claim that she is not and never has been “anti-vaccine,” despite her years of being a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccine movement. Instead, she’s blaming blogs for misquoting her after all this time, as she wrote that she’s always been cool with vaccines, and she just believes that certain kids should have to get less shots. Either way, the point all along should have been that if you take medical advice from Jenny Fucking McCarthy, then you should probably accept that your stupid ass had it coming.
Fox News eye candy Megyn Kelly smelled blood in the wet t-shirt contest and went to town on Jenny’s flip-flopping, as her millions of old white male viewers cheered her on. But the only real solution is for Megyn to have Jenny on her show for an actual debate, in which they have to use body paints on each other to make their points.
By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Suddenly, Corey Feldman isn’t alone in his bizarre quest to prove that Hollywood is full of power-hungry pedophiles. A 31-year old man named Michael Egan is suing X-Men director Bryan Singer for $300,000 over “catastrophic psychological and emotional injuries” that he claims he suffered at his very groping hands. Specifically, Michael claims that he met Bryan at one of registered sex offender Marc Collins-Rector’s parties, and the director allegedly took a liking to the young man, who was 14 or 15 at the time. Bryan allegedly promised Michael a role in a movie, before he allegedly ruined his fucking life, according to the Daily Mail.
According to the lawsuit, Singer told Egan he was ‘sexy’ and went on to masturbate the underage boy and perform oral sex on him. The director then told Egan to do the same to him, but the then-minor says he resisted.
That allegedly caused Singer to push the boy’s head under water. When he finally got up for air, Singer again demanded he perform oral sex and when he refused for the second time, Singer took him out of the pool and forcibly sodomized him, Egan says.
Romance has changed so much since I was young. At least back then, a kid would get a nice lobster dinner before the powerful famous guy would rape him at a wealthy person’s house. It’s like nobody even cares about the little things anymore.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 3:17 PM
Jenny McCarthy has a new ring on her finger. And, no, it’s not the platinum band to signify her millionth child kill through ardently promoting the spread of preventable infectious disease. She’s engaged to Donnie Wahlberg, the former New Kids on the Block performer and present day, Police Detective #5 on numerous TV shows. Still, he’s Mark Wahlberg’s brother which makes him a definite catch by just a degree of separation. Already, the couple are planning on combining Jenny’s advanced knowledge of epidemiology gleaned from ‘some JuCo’ with Donnie’s highly practiced rhythmic dance moves to produce a series of educational videos for children called ‘Polio Means Mommy Loves Me’. Through song and dance, afflicted children will come to merrily accept their shorter life spans and extended stays coughing up blood in hospital wards. The whole family will cheer when Jenny herself comes out in leg braces and does the robot. Best of luck to Jenny and Donnie on their nuptials.