Celebrities Now Helping Kidnapped Nigerian Girls Through Silent Prayer

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 2:46 PM


Back in early May, celebrities scrambled to emote support for the Nigerian school girls kidnapped by militant Islamic community organizers. Just look at Ellen’s eyes. Those are the same eyes she gives to Portia when panties not her size fall out of Ellen’s pant suit pockets during laundry Thursdays. That’s real remorse.

Coming out against kidnapping and child rape and slave trafficking was a bold stance for many in Hollywood to make, but damn if they didn’t go in whole hog without fear of consequence. But all the celebrity hashtagging in the world it seems couldn’t bring back the girls. Then time passed. Like hours and even days and everybody who had invested a couple minutes of their time to save the girls lost hope or had nail appointments. Plus there was Cannes. It was just really bad timing for the girls in terms of their kidnapping.

Congresswoman Frederica Wilson is now Tweeting the shit out of every celebrity who demanded something be done back in May then sort of stopped. Which would be everybody. Except for Sean Penn who air-dropped himself into the Nigerian hinterlands with nothing but a week’s worth of Ramen and some HGH suppositories. I think you call this shaming. Fuck, I have to compliment somebody from Congress. It’s worth it. You don’t have to care, but if you’re going to act like you do, then don’t be surprised if somebody like Fredrica calls you on your shit.

Photo credit: The Ellen Show/Twitter

Naya Rivera Got Married Anyhow

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 2:13 PM

Naya Rivera In The Summer Issue Of Galore Magazine
Last time we checked in with Naya Rivera, she was denying she had new tits and her fiance Big Sean was bolting because she was trying to install GPS ankle monitoring devices on his rapper cock. I think that’s a compliment in disguise. She had a wedding date of July 19th but nobody to marry, so she hooked up with a struggling actor named Ryan Dorsey she met several years back in Hollywood and married him on the 19th instead. Non-refundable caterer deposits. You’ve got to marry somebody

Dorsey told Cosmo that he loves when women wear “leggings or tights,” and prefers the “Brazilian” grooming style down below. — Ryan Dorsey, deep thoughts

Ryan seems like a winner. He also claims he doesn’t snore and he’s got some sweet abs. I’ve known plenty of people who’ve gotten married with less compelling circumstances. Naya, you keep your bush shaved and your ass in those Lululemons and you could easily make it a solid couple of years.

Photo Credit: Galore

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria’s Secret

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria's Secret
It’s about time Candice Swanepoel took some more pictures. I’m sure she’s busy with her home renovations and waxing and finding the right outfit for the South African summer holiday of Round Up the Darkies, but she could come out more than once a month to get her picture taken in her underwear. It can’t be that much work. Hair, makeup, finding set assistants gay enough they won’t try and touch her. We could bump that to once a week I’d think. Push more product. If the pre-pubescent girls in the Mynamar sweat shops aren’t sewing constantly, they get to consorting and discussing mutinies. The last thing you need is a couple hundred bloodied finger nine year olds on your roof demanding toilet breaks and non-expired cigarettes. C’mon, Candice, for the team.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Justin Bieber Pretends He’s Disabled And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 23, 2014 @ 12:51 PM


Pixie fucktard Justin Bieber pulled another one of his signature dick moves by pretending to need a wheelchair so he could cut the line at Disneyland. If there was a God, this would’ve been the moment for those once every twenty years at Disneyland when a high tension rope or cable busts and decapitates a park visitor.

Read more about how to impersonate the disabled so you don’t have to wait in line. (TMZ)

Screeching harpie Lea Michele has a good  old fashioned nip slip (Drunken Stepfather)

Just a friendly reminder of what J-Lo looks like in a bikini. (Popoholic)

John Travolta’s former handy-boy sues so he can share tales of their  love. (Gawker)

Farrah Abraham opens a (man) yogurt shop. (Popbytes)

Eva Longoria is still hot and Latina. (Maxim)

Playmate Bianca Beauchamp’s workout video works the cock muscles. (BroBible)

Floridian’s tend to go anal when stashing their stash. (VICE)

(Image Via TMZ)

Lady Gaga Isn’t Fat, She’s Cloyingly Boned

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:41 PM


This scourge of fat shaming has got to stop. I say this as a humanitarian, an anti-bullying advocate, and somebody who’s entire life savings is invested in a pharmaceutical company that produce therapeutic medication for diabetics. Lady Gaga has been looking pretty wholesale chunky these days. Not that it matters. I mean, it doesn’t matter for Lady Gaga because she’s so annoying in so many other ways that having a paunch barely comes to mind. It’s like criticizing Hitler for his gay Hitler mustache.

Lady Gaga fought back trolls calling her chubby cheeks the best way she knows how. Platitudes on Twitter and a photo of herself completely bundled up and saying she’s curvy and proud. It doesn’t make much sense, but six-figures worth of her fans supported her comments, because they can relate to being shamed for their looks or heavy mouth breathing after limited physical exertion or having dog poo crust in their hair.

Be brave and celebrate with us your ‘perceived flaws,’ as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous,

That also doesn’t make any sense, but Gaga wrote it back in 2012 when she also packed on some pounds. If you bring up fat shaming and bullying, you can pretty much follow with any bit of nonsense you like and you’re bound to receive praise. It’s like citing Jesus in the South or hockey teams in the North. Everybody cheers blindly.

Photo credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram

Irina Shayk Upskirt Is Kind of Commie

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

Irina Shayk Upskirt Filming EXTRA In Universal City
The perfect summer wind blew up Irina Shayk’s skirt on the set of Extra. A.C. Slater got flummoxed and mentioned ten times how much he loves his wife and lady tits in rapid fire succession to remind everybody how straight he is. Irina Shayk just laughed breezily and said something in Russian that translates to ‘I’m in your movies now, you American fools. Soon, Master Putin and I will crush your testicular sacs.’ Nobody cared about the red menace because they were busy imagining just how great it would be to have sex with Irina Shayk.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash

Brandi Glanville Craves Attention Too

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 11:39 AM

Brandi Glanville In A See Through Skirt Leaving Craig's In West Hollywood
Now that LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have their own reality show dedicated to pretending they have better things to talk about than Eddie’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville, Brandi felt the telltale publicity sting in her vagina quarters pushing her to get back out in public and show off her tits and ass. It’s often good to take a pause at these moments and remember that most 40-something moms aren’t wasted in the streets flashing their panties on summer evenings. Just the interesting ones. I’m not sure who the Jon Gosselin lookalike is with Brandi, but I bet she’s drunk enough that he could impregnate her without her remembering. That is where Glanville babies come from.

Photo Credit: Splash

Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Wet Lesbianism Day Two

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM

Selena Gomez And Cara Delevingne Go For A Swim In St Tropez
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.

As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet