Kelly Brook Strikes Me as Jaunty

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:51 PM

Kelly Brook Shops In Busty Top While In West Hollywood
I’m pretty sure Kelly Brook’s knockers are ripening with the season. Maybe she’s pregnant with ideas. She could also just be getting chunky. British women allow themselves that wretched fate after a breakup. In stark contrast to American celebrities who shove cotton balls and Xanax down their gullet to forget the dude from the vampire show who said their cutting turned him on. Love is complicated. Breakups are the worst, unless they turn your tits into black men’s magazine stripper tits. Then you really have something.

Photo Credit:AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Vanessa Hudgens And Ashley Tisdale Merge Leggings

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:06 PM

Vanessa Hudgens And Ashley Tisdale Wear Leggings While Having A Shocking Conversation In LA
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those shocked by the Stephen Collins’ admissions and those who have even been kid actors coming up in Hollywood. Corey Feldman is the Jose Canseco of former child actors. He wrote the book on the pedophiles and pederasts that fill Hollywood in unduly large numbers and everybody laughed at him. Just like Canseco on steroids. Two unlikable losers who happened to be telling the truth about what really happens in the locker room.

I thought about this when I saw Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale looking shocked about something. You could tell these girls that the pastor dad from Seventh Heaven fondled a girl and all they’d ask if he left marks so obvious that they’d prevent the poor girl from taking vagina selfies. They’re probably talking about a crazy sale on boots. I just assume that’s what girls are talking about. I used to think they were secretly talking about me, but that turned out to be completely wrong.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Dutch Bikers Once Again More Manly Than You

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

dutch-biker-going-to-kill-ISIS

Dutch Outlaw Bikers have motored down to Northern Iraq and Syria to go kill some fucking ISIS jihadists. They’re not being compensated, they just found an amazingly low cost adventure vacation. The Dutch government wanted to show that they’re not as pussy or Muslim influenced as their French neighbors so they retroactively decided to look the other way on their law that says their citizens can’t just go to other countries and start spraying bullets at people, even wicked bad dudes in turbans.

“Joining a foreign armed force was previously punishable. Now it’s no longer forbidden. You just can’t join a fight against the Netherlands” — Wim de Bruin, spokesman for the Dutch public prosecutor.

That seems fair enough. Blood thirsty mercenaries and fat middle aged dudes with Harleys and Kalashnikovs have historically done some of the dirty work that official governments are too politically sack-less to pursue. The U.S. will sanction the high in the sky bombing of potential Islamic State bunkers, but are they willing to plop a couple hundred tatted guys on the ground with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a sawed off shotgun in the other? Reagan might have.

Photo Credit: No Surrender Biker Gang on Twitter

Iggy Azalea Preps the Camel Toe for War

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:04 PM

Iggy Azalea Has A Cameltoe In Tiny Tight Short Orange Shorts
Iggy Azalea’s cleft looks primed for war. Her vulva ate right through her shorts looking for some kind of firearm to bring to bear upon Snoop Dogg for calling her an ugly albino no talent bitch. She’s hardly an albino. I wish some people would use the dictionary before making accusations.

Bullets ain’t got no name, Snoop. Neither do ginned up and pissed off vaginas. The next sight we see might be a pair of Chuck Taylor’s sucked last but not least up into that retractable python jaw. That’s no way for a man go to out of this world. But I hope he films it for Vine.

Photo Credit:FameFlynet

Daphne Joy Has Big Yabbos

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

Daphne Joy Wears A Cleavy Dress While Hosting At The Cosmo
For the men who live entirely for their high school reunions, and you know who you are, you could do worse than showing up with 50 Cent’s baby mama to the next Holiday Inn assembly. Imagine the desperately jealous looks on the faces of the Cobra Kai aryans who emasculated you in the halls. When they ask you how you met, say you fucked Fitty’s bitch at the club then made her give up her baby to be your full time cooze. They will finally know that all their taunts and bullying couldn’t keep a good man down. Hand them your realtor’s business card and tell them they better call you when they consider buying or you will fuck them up something serious. You have won.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jason Biggs Pisses on Chelsea Handler

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 11:38 AM

I’ve never done shit by popular demand. I don’t care to be popular. I’m mildly dyslexic, which means I hate the world for making me an ogre. But when a bunch of you including one girl who is all that really matters asked to see Jason Biggs peeing on Chelsea Handler’s head, fuck, why not.

I was going to read the amusing backstory that goes with this whizzing moment, but I knew it would only ruin for me what I can more blindly categorize as a dipshit pissing on a human urinal cake. Now I can have a good laugh, but backwards since I’m mildly dyslexic like Rex Ryan and Cher and a bunch of other famous dudes who have trouble getting laid.

Sylvie Meis Wears Lingerie Well

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM

Sylvie Meis Wears Lingerie For Dessous Photoshoot In London
Sylvie Meis is that Dutch lingerie model whose soccer player husband dumped her because cancer left her unable to make any additional babies. That seems fair. Many lesser men would just stick with the marriage and bitterly call their wife that barren cancer bitch behind her back to all his steam room buddies. Other guys would get drunk and kick their wife in the Hasselbeck while cursing God for not giving them more biological reproductions. But this dude was plain, honest, and forthright. Sylvie Meis applauded how polite her husband was in ditching her because of her forsaken lady cancer. And when he hooked up with her former best friend and knocked a baby into her, Sylvie was downright happy for them both. This is precisely why you need to treat your children extra poorly during rearing. They grow up to be super understanding adults.

Photo Credit: Dessous

Rumer Willis Books a Shoe Store Gig

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Rumer Willis Shows Sideboob While Singing At Kelsi Dagger
When Lady Gaga sings at a hipster shoe store in Brooklyn, it’s record company promotional kitsch. If you’re Rumer Willis, it’s the best gig you can book. Being the oldest Willis daughter, Rumer decided it was time she pretended to have a job. She chose singer from the list of options in the back of her What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up coloring book. And why not. Singers are cool and bold and make people happy. As do high class escorts who also then have the money to buy shit in the store as opposed to just crooning from aside the hot boots display case. I give Rumer credit for not choosing Topless Activist or Wayward Drunk like her sisters when they leafed through the same coloring book. If she keeps skipping the bras, there’s no reason Rumer can’t be doing sets for the customers in the pharmacy lines at CVS soon enough.

Photo Credit: Splash