By Matt August 28, 2014 @ 6:56 AM
Some politicians respond to resignation worthy prostitution scandals by drinking themselves to death in The Hamptons but Eliot Spitzer is still making moves. He got on a flight to Paris with his former spokesgirl Lis Smith after selling some of his dad’s real estate for $147 million dollars. After losing an election the best thing to do is usually blow some family money on a social climber who doesn’t care you fucked hookers behind your anorexic wife’s back. With any luck she will become as broken and entrenched with dirty money and New York political society as Spitzer’s former trophy wife. Who says dreams don’t come true? Not for everyone, but for whores and guys with copious trust fund money absolutely. That could buy so many hookers hotter than either of them.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 28, 2014 @ 6:13 AM
Kanye West became increasingly forthcoming during an ongoing deposition for a lawsuit with a paparazzi who accused West of assault. West was hostile during earlier depositions but when your expensive lawyers tell you to start acting contrite even the most ardent rebels tend to listen. West reversed his earlier stance on hatred for the paparazzi:
“My father was a paparazzo himself. My father was a medical illustrator, a Black Panther, a Christian marriage counselor… My mother was the first black chair of the English department in Chicago State. They didn’t raise me to be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX… Sometimes I get in the car with the paparazzi. Paparazzi help me to park.”
Kanye’s dad had so many jobs. He sounds really hard working. No wonder Kanye has the drive to create so many mediocre rap albums. He’s living in the shadow of his father. That explains the frustration and anger toward the very people who help him to be famous and rich. His tear ducts probably leak like a broken faucet when the paparazzi help him park his Lamborghini. Fucking A, guys, you really are the best. I’m sorry I tried to put you in a headlock and punch you in the face. I carry lots of emotional baggage.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 3:11 PM
Some trumped out outrage is going around the Internet because the Kardashian whorelings were using their cellphones when Common asked for a moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs because as a black celebrity, he simply had no choice. While it’s easy to focus on a picture of the back-brothel skank disrespecting a moment of silence, perhaps one could remember that the Kardashians donate almost ten percent of a their Ebay discarded clothing sales to a charity nobody has ever vetted. Khloe and Lamar spent several years raising money for a stomach cancer charity that helped pay Lamar’s friend to build a basketball court. The matriarch of the family was having interracial sex outside her marriage before that was even considered cool. You tell me who has done more for the black man — Common or The Kardashians? If the answer comes from the voluminous subset of those who’ve been blown by a Kardashian, I can give you your answer.
For the record, moments of silences can be called for by anybody. It doesn’t make them sacrosanct. Kylie should’ve called for a moment of silence so she could text Jaden Smith and asks him if he knows what the fuck a Ferguson is.
Photo credit: Tabir Akhter / Twitter
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
Bai Ling has made a pretty good living looking like she’s forever imagining the Japanese Army’s rape of Nanking. I’d imagine being 47 with the tits of a 20-year old and feeling kind of like turning my frown upside down. Not Bai Ling. I don’t know who these bikini pictures are for, but if you’re into torture porn or really sad Chinese girls, or both, you’re going to want to get the full set.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 1:47 PM
The term unfortunate accident always gets me to wondering. Is it unfortunate to give a nervous 9-year old girl an Uzi and let her go Gaza Strip crackdown at a gun range or is it kind of more really fucking stupid? The owner of the gun range in question says it’s perfectly legal, since you only need to be eight in Arizona to fire automatic weapons. Plus, the kids are always under the supervision of their parents holding the iPhone camera and a trained range instructor. Like the one who’s dead now because the nine-year-old lost control of the gun on recoil and a bullet pinged him in the head. Death is kind of a rough penalty for an unfortunate accident. But unfortunate accidents at gun ranges do often result in more than a blister or small citation. Mostly I blame the people criticizing Sea World for animal cruelty. Now that it’s so politically incorrect, New Jersey families are heading to Arizona for their summer vacations and making the kids shoot sub-machine guns instead of pretending Shamu loves to clap like a person.
By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 12:52 PM
ESPN reporter Josina Anderson did a lengthy report on Michael Sam’s showering situation from the St Louis Rams training camp. Anderson was discussing how Sam was ‘fitting in’ and then launched into a Watergate style recap of whether or not Sam had been showering with other players, presumably in order to stare cravenly at their man meat. She provided a few team sources who basically could neither confirm nor deny that Sam was using the showers. This was unfortunate because everyone watching and voicing how inappropriate we found this really wanted to know. Even the ardent homophobes were hoping to get a blow by blow of who was sudsing who beneath the spigots. ESPN offered an apology making it seem like this dick sighting quest will be stopped in its tracks:
“ESPN regrets the manner in which we presented our report. Clearly yesterday we collectively failed to meet the standards we have set in reporting on LGBT-related topics in sports.”
Obviously, changes had to be made after their hour long piece back in the day on how Greg Louganis is able to hide his boners seeing so many ripped Chinese dudes in Speedos during diving meets. Being the first gay NFL player is probably not easy, so lets assume Michael Sam isn’t a total moron. Even though he made his big visual cake kissing statement on draft day, he will likely refrain from overtly staring at his teammates naked bodies in the shower, and instead take mental images to masturbate to later. Like a professional.
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Miley Cyrus is doubling down on support for the handsome homeless dude she let take her mic time at the VMA’s to discuss the plight of young people living in city shelters. Yesterday we learned that Jesse Helt had a warrant out for his arrest for something minor he skipped out on back in Oregon. Today, that he was living in a park in Los Angeles because he was having trouble getting modeling gigs in Hollywood and he was too proud to go back to Oregon and live with his parents. That’s actually kind of admirable.
He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another. — Helt’s mom on her son, the unemployed male model
Gee, thanks mom for blowing a perfectly good handsome young white man lives in a bush story. Good looking 20-somethings really are the most misunderstood of the besieged classes.
Instead of just admitting that she and her handlers should have vetted their woe-monkey more before giving him the VMA stage and crying like you were eleven again and just losing your virginity to a Disney casting agent, Miley went on the attack . She Tweeted whole bunch of self-righteous jabs at people who live in houses and don’t feel sorry for failed Hollywood models living in the jacaranda:
Instead of putting young Richard Gere onstage, you should’ve had him pretend bang you in your next music video. He’d be famous and turning down jobs. You wouldn’t look like the spoiled girl who just learned that not everybody lives in large houses with slides that lead to the game room. Where the hell is Tish? She knows this crap.
Photo credit: MTV VMAs
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:11 PM
It must be nice to make the cut above Hooters waitress. Your soul smells less like fried chicken. I’d scalpel, insert, freeze, super-size, inject, and satanically murder whatever it took to reach the rung where you got bathrobes and director’s chairs on breaks instead of a guy named Carlos trying to massage your sideboob. I probably wouldn’t let Dana White in my shorts, but a few Tuesday nights slinging wings for tips might change my mind.
Photo Credit: Alan Dawe