Freshman Allowed To See Lisa Ann

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:45 AM


Notre Dame freshman Justin Brent will not be disciplined for ‘dating’ porny Lisa Ann in all her holes. Notre Dame maintains the right to reprimand students for having premarital sex, but there is no proof Brent and Ann got it on. If this were a court of law the circumstantial evidence would be overwhelming, but Notre Dame strictly requires high def images of sexual penetration from the cameras they’ve mounted in dorm bed posts and campus chapel pews. Also, there must be the sworn testimony of five witnesses, none of whom were masturbating while witnessing.

Brent was forced to have a conversation with his coach about the dangers of social media which no doubt ended with a high five and a lecture from Brent on how to torrent Nailin’ Palin. In the meantime school officials will have their eye on Brent. He’s free to keep earning them money, but if his dick leaves his pants he could earn a Scarlett Letter. This should motivate him to turn out the lights while banging every white chick on campus.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Russell Brand Wrestles With Truth

By Matt October 30, 2014 @ 6:02 AM


Russell Brand addressed the casual speculation and educated guesses that he simply has to be gay. Brand broke up with his girlfriend and took the opportunity to expound on his sexuality. It’s not that anyone gives a fuck but sometimes you want to hear someone say it so you can go “Yep” and move on. Like I Love You or Harder. Due to his appearance, behavior, and speaking voice, Brand has chip on his shoulder regarding the topic. Its like Kareem Abdul Jabbar discussing basketball:

“I wish I was bisexual. That’s one of the things about me where I’ve got a very traditional moral code. I’m tedious with my heterosexuality.”

That isn’t how a straight dude responds to that question. Slightly later Brand altered his tone, coming close to self actualization before removing his toe from the pond:

“I wanked off a man in a toilet… I thought, ‘I think of myself as heterosexual but perhaps that’s cause of the environment that I grew up in where homosexuality may have been difficult for me to express.”

Maybe a few more perms and some new jewelry and you’ll get there, buddy. In the meantime it may not be productive to rattle the one fat woman in Iowa who assumes you’re straight with talk of jerking off dudes in bathrooms. She’s buying tickets because she think she’s still got a shot.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Adam Levine and His Wife Who Looks Better in Modeling Photos Seem Lovable

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Behati Prinsloo Wears Crop Top Showing Off Toned Abs While Attending A Lakers Game With Husband Adam Levine
There are things I love about Los Angeles. The weather, the Mexican food so authentic the tortillas have tuberculosis baked right in, the fact that girls don’t ask lots of followup questions when you tell them you work in the moving pictures business. Then there’s shit I hate. I could make a list, but a photo of Adam Levine, his Namibian model wife, and court-side Lakers seats about sums it up. It’s that singular moment when all that Al Qaeda ranted crap from caves about Western evils kind of makes sense. Not enough sense to wrap a towel around my head and fly to Damascus to behead journalism majors, but enough that if I stumbled into a Prodigy chat room where jihadis were plotting to kidnap Adam Levine to show the infidels who was boss, I’d probably not report them. Does that make me un-American or the best American ever? History will decide.

Photo Credit: Splash/AKM-GSI

Kim K Is The New Lucy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Walking urinal Kim Kardashian compared her reality show to the iconic I Love Lucy 1950′s sitcom. Not really compared, she claimed her show was better since it had produced more episodes. I want to get my Ricky Ricardo tux on and slap the collagen out of her lips.

Read the latest drivel from this delusional twat. (The Superficial)

Bruce Jenner got his nails did all perty. (TMZ)

I don’t know who Bo Koehler is but I do appreciate her tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sara Malakul Lane is one sexy fucking bunny. (Hollywood Tuna)

Natasha Barnard in lingerie is faptacularly sexy. (Popoholic)

Amanda Bynes is still fucking nuts. (Dlisted)

The WWE Divas wear skimpy Halloween costumes. You’re welcome. (COED)

Colleen Shannon’s Car Broke Down, Or Did It?

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 11:25 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears A Bikini Along The Side Of The Road For 138 Water
The last time Colleen Shannon looked like this she was distracting customs officials in upstate New York so her boyfriend could hop over a creek from Canada into the U.S. with some controlled substances. It’s the Fraulein Helga bent over a low filing cabinet trick. It’s never been topped.

These 138 water people are relentless in their mission. Now working with ex-cons like Colleen Shannon to distract our attention while they spread Ebola and Iggy Azalea music around the world. I’m sure the Free Masons are involved as well, those conspiratorial fuckers. What ultimately comes of this is what always comes of staring hungrily at a woman’s ass bent over the hood of her car. Severely chaffed dick, shattered dreams, and an early death.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Xenia Deli Has a Really Superb Ass

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 10:40 AM

Xenia Deli Poses For New Yorker Lingerie Campaign

Everything I know about super good looking foreign models can be summed up in a charcoal police sketch of me peeking through a window while Leonardo DiCaprio bangs them. That’s not gay, just extremely realistic.

Photo Credit: New Yorker

Sexy Ebola Halloween Costumes Because America Can’t Be Beat

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 10:27 AM


I’m still not sure why 75 million adults dress up in costume each October. When I was a kid, even the kids barely had costumes. You had ghost (white bed sheet), Dracula (plastic fangs) or hobo (dad’s ratty coat and a prop cigar). When old ladies answered the trick or treat bell, they’d say, oh, look we have an adorable ghost and a vampire and a ghost, another ghost, another vampire, and six vagabonds. How fucking original. Here, have an apple with a razor blade inside. Now Halloween is drunken slutty adult party time. Why not take the world’s hippest new disease and turn it into an opportunity to get banged by a costume cowboy in a coat closet. Now you can, with the Sexy Ebola Containment Suit for Halloween.

As the deadly Ebola virus trickles its way through the United States, fighting its disease is no reason to compromise style. The short dress and chic gas mask will be the talk of Milan, London, Paris, and New York as the world’s fashionistas seek global solutions to hazmat couture

The costume is receiving the customary amount of blowback from people saving the world one self-righteous Internet comment at a time. Dressing like Satan or the whore version of a Disney character is cool, but mocking the opéra bouffe that is our nation’s reaction to Ebola is verboten. My only concern is the short sleeves on the outfit. That definitely seems like a place where contaminated diarrhea can lodge, if your Halloween party gets particularly out of control.

Taylor Swift Gets Ambassador Nod

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 9:50 AM

Taylor Swift Shows Off Legs In Mini Dress While Heading To The Letterman Show
Taylor Swift was declared the new Global Welcome Ambassador to New York City. It used to be pre-op Thai hookers in Times Square until Giuliani cleaned up that perfectly nice rat hole. Taylor has zero New York roots and just moved into her $20 million Tribeca condo last summer, but the tourism board knows a winning formula when they see it. Vacationers around the world love Taylor Swift. Swift dines and shits and throws pajama parties in your city, why not make her the face of Welcome to the Big Apple. With Ebola fears and failing schools and the ever-present threat of more Spike Lee movies, New York needs a reassuring happy shining beacon of hope. Taylor Swift, rise and take your place among the titans.

I thought Donald Trump would be pissed, but mostly it’s just Dee Snider who Taylor Swift could buy, stuff, and mount on her rumpus room wall if she was feeling cheeky.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI