By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 6:23 PM
I wonder if the Russians are angry that all their good looking women flee the country the second their breasts appear. I’m guessing in places like Somalia, when the next chick who looks like Iman comes along, the tribes gather together to fill a straw bowl full of dried berries and shove her toward London or New York with a grateful heart. But Russians remain very proud of their empire, such as it stands. Did you see those opening ceremonies in Sochi? That’s big cock type strutting. I wonder if all this Russian aggression is just because they want their sexy women back. The ones they can screw with the lights on. Don’t tell me that theory doesn’t make more sense than anything you’ve heard yet on the news.
Photo Credit: La Clover
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 5:43 PM
I despise TV people. The morning mannequins rank somewhere between hyper-aggressive pedophiles and the Kardashians in terms of people we need to rocket to the moon several decades ahead of any life-sustaining technologies. Here’s this innocent kid ‘Colin’. He’s somewhere on the autism spectrum, you know because he’s cute as a fucking button but horribly socially awkward and his hobby is bow ties. This country’s got hundreds of thousands of these little Bill Gates boys muddling around these days. They’re harmless, until they get power and crush all the boring normals. Colin’s mom is a good and decent fat mom who cried her eyes out when Colin said he didn’t want a birthday party because he has no friends. Which he doesn’t, because he’s busy with his bow ties and subconsciously working on Windows 2020 to enslave another generation of PC users.
His mom started a secret Facebook campaign to get people around the world to send Colin shout outs and warm wishes for his upcoming birthday. If you know Facebook, this worked like fucking gangbusters, with millions of responses from around the world. If you know morning talk show producers, then you know they caught wind of this feel good story and decided it had to be exploited for ratings by their radish-brained smiling makeup faces. So it turned into a big Good Morning America surprise party for Colin, who they lied to and told he was going to New York to test out video games. Instead they set him up for a national TV reveal that he’s an awkward kid with no friends. Then they let loose a horribly lame GMA sound stage party. Even the stiffy hosts Robin Roberts and George Stephanopoulos revealed an inkling of discomfort at the TV circus at the autistic boys expense. For his part, Colin stood there frozen wondering where the fuck his video games were and making a mental list of who he’d kill first with his homemade bow tie laser gun. Fuck you, TV people. When you get disintegrated, I’m going to applaud.
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 4:01 PM
Completely unfounded and unsubstantiated reports seem to indicate that the decent and upstanding executives at Viacom might cancel the Sam & Cat show on Nickelodeon because its co-star Jennette McCurdy had photos of her titties in lingerie leaking across the Internet. Apparently, this pushed the standards beyond what is acceptable for the television distributors of Teen Mom and Buckwild. Of course, they’re not really going to cancel shit if it’s making money. They’d livestream honor killings of raped preteens in Pakistan if they could find a lucrative sponsor. That’s show business. It also demands that something futile be done by somebody in trumped up reaction to the lingerie photos and the very lonely mildly retarded people who complain how they somehow hurt the children. What if these kids grow up to wear lingerie themselves? Fuck, that would be horrible. While Jennette McCurdy remains completely ashamed at looking super hot, she can probably count on playing a goofy brand-safe teenager on television until she’s 40.
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 3:44 PM
Leaving no rock unturned, the foreign pod people supervising the extinction of the human race by way of their fruity packaged water got Don Ho’s daughter in her underwear at the beach. It’s a sign of something particularly heinous. Or it’s possible Kea Ho was just drunk and accidentally walked onto the photo set. It’s not easy being Do Ho’s daughter. First, you have to remind everybody who the hell Don Ho is.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 3:29 PM
With Daylight Savings Time it’s been nearly twenty-three actual hours since Nicki Minaj shared photos of herself. She’s usually showering or rehearsing for work or taking a dump off-camera. Sometimes I feel like I’m living with Nicki Minaj, besides the sole benefit that would make such an arrangement tolerable.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 2:52 PM
Poor Mr. Putin. You might’ve thought the loyalist Ukrainian forces were no match for your Russian Bear army, but here comes the dainty ladies of FEMEN to thwart your aggression with the unparalleled anger of painted feminists with body issues. Your missiles and bullets are no match for the shield of pissed off estrogen that now encircles Kiev like an uncomfortable woolen blanket of vaginal rage. Queens to King’s Knight Four. Your move, Vlad.
(Yeah, they’re actually in Times Square. I dare you to be the one to tell them how pointless that is.)
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
There doesn’t seem to be many job options for Australian girls outside of bikini model. I think there’s also morning talk show host, beauty pageant contestant, and widow of Steve Irwin. That’s the gamut. If you get the bikini model gig, you get to travel the world and eventually marry a dude with money in real estate. If you don’t make it one of these prime categories, they just drop you Hunger Games in the bush and the kangaroos and dingos eat you. It’s a fucking vicious circle of life in a nation populated by former convicts. It’s like Northern Ohio, but with sunshine and winning sports franchises.
Photo Credit: Splash News
By Jack March 11, 2014 @ 2:26 PM
Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.