Taylor Swift Has New Tits and a Tumblr Account

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 11:50 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Crop Top And Mini Skirt While Walking In NYC
The lingering utility of social media is for radicalized Islamic terrorists to recruit disaffected Muslim teens and for young girls to get a chance to pretend Taylor Swift give a shit about them. Other than that, it’s trolls and Michelle Obama telling you to eat your vegetables like a Mr. T reboot. Taylor Swift has just moved onto Tumblr to symbolize the ultimate pointlessness of that social media network as well. She’s pretending she doesn’t have a sizable publicity and media team that runs her social blog. She’s asking her fans a bunch of basic questions on how to set up her Tumblr page. And, tens of thousands are responding, because the eleven year old C-student mind is still oblivious to the commercial ruse.

It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Taylor Swift does spend many of her late evenings on her laptop cruising around the Internet. But she’s not building her professional looking Tumblr blog. She’s trolling the accounts of her burn list and ex-boyfriends writing about how they’re assholes who have V.D. Also, ordering personalized cock-shaped cookies for her girlfriends so they can giggle.

Photo Credit: Splash

Nik Nguyen Gypped by Floyd Mayweather

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

Nik Nguyen
Bottle service and hot wings waitress Nik Nguyen is bitching publicly about Floyd Mayweather and his entourage tipping her zilch on a bill of $25K at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas. Mayweather partied there after his win over yet another fighter nobody gives a shit about because his name isn’t Pacquiao. The bill itself was kind of moot as the hotel casino was comping Mayweather so he’d hang out there with Jamie Foxx and make the place seem more than the discount room center where Hollywood junior agents go to blow low-grade coke in the bathroom. Still, it’s customary to tip the wait staff even on a gratis bill. She did wear the skimpy outfit and bring you bottles of Grey Goose while your boys slapped her ass for hours on end.

Some Philly waiter got stiffed by an Eagles player last week and made it public as well. Charlie Sheen arose from his cocaine crypt to get attention by offering $1,000 to the stiffed waiter. I’m sure it sucks to be Old Mother Hubbarded on a tip after servicing a table full of rowdy diners. That being said, there’s some level of confidentiality implied between diner and waiter that compares to john and hooker. What you ate, how much you spent, whether or not you’re a shitty selfish bastard who cums in your server’s eye and won’t even grab a napkin. You’re paying, that’s your business. I don’t need to be on Facebook being called an asshole just because I might be an asshole.

This story did have a happy ending as security guards at the joint picked up all the loose bills Mayweather and Foxx and his crew were tossing at the hooker dancers all night and handed the crumpled bounty over to Nguyen so she could leave with a tip that smelled like snatch and Vodka.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Claudia Romani In a Bikini

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 9:43 AM

Claudia Romani Wears Personalized Bikini In Miami
If you’ve got a nice ass, why not stamp your name right above your crack. Same reason I have all six of my gmail accounts tattooed on my johnson in 24-pt Impact font. The burden on this Italian model is really walking ass forward around Miami without getting hit by busses or sweaty guys in swim trunks sobbing over the loss of LeBron. You don’t want either of those things slamming into your backside.

Photo Credit: INF

Robin Thicke Sucks At Everything

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Thicke

Transcripts from Robin Thicke’s deposition in the lawsuit filed by Marvin Gaye’s family show Thicke to be a talentless lying scrub. Thicke says he was high on Vicodin and booze and just showed up at the studio to fart up the place while Pharrell and the naked chicks wrote Blurred Lines. This throws Pharrell under the bus for lifting the song and conflicts with an interview Thicke did with GQ:

“Pharrell and I were in the studio and I told him that one of my favorite songs of all time was Marvin Gaye’s ‘Got to Give it Up.’  I was like, ‘Damn, we should make something like that, something with that groove.”

So, Thicke had the hazy idea to rip off the Gaye song, was too devoid of talent or fucked up to pull it off, so he brought in his musically gifted negro to do the heavy lifting. Thicke’s recounting allows him to distance himself from the thievery, yet still soak up whatever accolades the song received when people started listening to it on mute to see the hot tits.

“I wanted to be more involved than I actually was by the time, nine months later, it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. So I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

Usually it takes some deep digging to prove someone is a rancid human being. Thicke has laid it all out in a PowerPoint presentation. I hope Pharrell hires somebody who weighs more than 100 lbs. to kick Robin Thicke’s ass and then hear all about the beating while he’s banging Thicke’s hot ex-wife and holding onto his hat.

Photo Credit: Instagram

 

 

Beyonce A Pregnant Nightmare

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 8:38 AM

Bey

Jay Z announced his wife is pregnant again or pretending to be pregnant or they found a surrogate willing to be killed after delivering the baby if her family can be airlifted out of Borneo or some shit. This one might be real because Beyonce is making insane demands of the people she keeps around to tell her she looks great in that face mask and that her last bowel movement smelled like Hidden Valley Ranch.

Members of her entourage are being required to only talk in soft voices, keep room lights on dim, and only listen to mellow music that reminds you of having a root canal in the 90′s. Once the child is delivered by golden tongs into this world, it will be free to bump Jay Z’s “Too Many Hoes” on repeat.

The baby is a huge blessing for Beyonce. Acting like a massive cunt is usually frowned upon, but having a bun in the oven or paying another woman to do the same gives you some leeway to bitch it up and throw that plate of asparagus against the wall because they aren’t organic. Don’t feel bad for Jay Z, he gets to fuck the lady who cleans up the asparagus after Beyonce retires to her calming couch.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Derrick Rose Doesn’t Dance

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

When Team America was receiving their gold medals for the FIBA Basketball World Cup, all the players suddenly broke out into that half assed dance people do when they’re spending EBT money on bottle service. Except for Derrick Rose, who stood there with the posture of a designated driver who is ready to leave the party because being sober truly sucks. Rose has always refused to shimmy with his teammates. His pragmatic wet blanket views on the subject should lead his teammates to some serious self-reflection:

“They show it forever so it’s going to be bad… I don’t like seeing people embarrass themselves… Like in a movie, I’ll turn the channel if somebody’s about to embarrass themselves or something like that. So for me to do it, it would be crazy… There’s a time and a place for that, and I don’t think its right then and there.”

Having one non jackass on a twelve man roster is better than nothing. It mathematically represents the ratio of ass to non-ass found in most sports. Rose deserves a commendation for what was clearly a brave sacrifice. That’s assuming he was really taking a principled stand and not just afraid his crackerjack knee would scatter into forty-seven pieces if he attempted one Cabbage Patch.

Chernobyl Vacations For the Budget Conscious

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 7:36 AM

CHer

The Ukrainian government designated Chernobyl as a tourist attraction in an attempt to bring in more foreign dollars to use in their futile fight to keep their best looking teenaged girls from going to work strip clubs in the West. Troves of “nuclear tourists” have flocked to Chernobyl, many seeking an especially morbid experience like finding personal keepsakes left behind in the nuclear fallout evacuation, taking maudlin photos of dusty dolls, and then tributing the photos in the woods when their rented Filipina wives aren’t looking.

The abandoned city features many amenities. Borderline dangerous radiation levels for the next two-thousand or so years, starving wolves, and former Soviet Union war criminals exiled to abandoned buildings who would strangle you for an ounce of non-radiated peanut butter. For the kids, there are the areas many scenic lakes and rivers that won’t necessarily give you skin cancer if you shower in the liquid form of argon within seconds of exposure. There’s plenty of stone ground cornbread and pickled herring to be had and there are never any lines. It already sounds better than Disneyland.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Martha Stewart Pops Gwyneth Paltrow Right in the Bitch Parts

By Matt September 16, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

Stewart

Martha Stewart recently took the time to talk shit about a bunch of people before strapping on a fake smile to boil some butter in more butter. Stewart slammed Gwyneth Paltrow for stepping onto her turf and profiting from the advertising of a sterile material based lifestyle that will drive away men. This is probably a sign of Paltrow’s perceived weakness in The Hamptons and related territories. You’d never move on a Paltrow at full strength.

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

To suggest Gwyneth Paltrow lacks confidence is like suggesting the devil lacks cunning. More than likely Paltrow just saw an opportunity to make shit loads of money selling crap to empty nesters. That doesn’t make you a Martha Stewart biter, it just proves Kabbalah is better than golf for business connections. I’ve got Paltrow in this fight. Mostly just because she frightens me more than Martha Stewart. When Gwyneth surveys the battlefield all bloodied and gored, I want her to know I chose to stand with the properly moisturized side.

Photo Credit: Getty Images