Just Go To Gamblers Anonymous Already

By Matt January 29, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Chick

If you aren’t really into football but love gambling on minor nuances of the Super Bowl then you’re a poser dipshit who will ruin the game for anyone in the same room. The fucker who’s entrenched one minute because he bet on the length of a punt and walks in front of the TV on Fourth and Goal. The following are prop bets you can make if you haven’t already destroyed your marriage and woken up in the gutter grasping soggy sportsbook tickets:

How long will it take India Menzel to sing the national anthem? Will India Menzel forget or omit at least one word of the National Anthem? Will Marshawn Lynch grab his crotch after scoring a TD? Will Bill Belichick’s hoodie have sleeves or not? How many times will Gisele Bundchen be shown on TV during the game? What color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the winning coach? Who will win the opening coin toss? Who will Barack Obama pick to win the game? Will Katy Perry show cleavage or not?

I always recommend trusting shady overseas online gambling sites with subjective material such as a crotch grab. My friend, he has the jock itch and lightly scratched his left testicle. File a report with the Embassy if you don’t like it. If you are making these bets it’s clear you have too many to keep track of. Do you have four hours to re-watch the game on DVR the following Monday and count the Gisele sightings? Of course you do. Otherwise you’d put a few hundred on the game like a man and suffer in silence.

Photo Credit: GamblersAnonymous.org 

Kendall Jenner Models Bikinis Also

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 1:42 PM

Kendall Jenner Agua Bendita Swimwear Behind The Scenes Photos
I’d lie and say I don’t like seeing this spawn of various Satans half naked, but I kind of do. Not in the same way I sort of like to see her midget porn older sister. That’s purely physical, for a few minutes, before wrapping her in a blanket and driving her out into the Sonoran desert and reminding her that God has a plan for everyone. This one I’d treat well. I’d coddle and console and encourage her to learn how to read and write. Not enough so that motorists could understand the notes she slipped to them when I wasn’t paying attention at the gas station, but just enough to check the channel guide from the basement and tell me when This Old House was airing.

Photo Credit: Agua Bendita Swimwear

Kelly Bensimon Almost Ready

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 1:18 PM

Kelly Bensimon Wears A Swimsuit While Paddleboarding In Miami
You don’t hear much about cold fusion these days because most of science is now involved in piecing these Housewives together and sending them out into public to see if they can pass. Water is the new environment to be tested. A few of the Atlanta wives completely dissolved in failed trial runs. If this chick can go three hours in the aquatic, the next step will be strapping torpedoes to several of the shows’ girdled up barflies and shooting them up the Euphrates toward ISIS strongholds. Nobody wants to risk the lives of real people.

Photo Credit: Splash

GoDaddy Bitches Out (VIDEO)

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 12:24 PM

Go Daddy has decided to pull a pretty funny Super Bowl commercial featuring a lost puppy who finds his way back home only to be stuffed into a crate and sold on eBay by an evil puppy mill wench. The ad was intended to mock Budweiser’s ridiculously cheese dick ad about a similar puppy and his Brokeback Mountain style relationship with his owner. PETA sounded off and Go Daddy’s CEO relented because it’s just not fucking worth it with these people:

“What should have been a fun and funny ad clearly missed the mark and we will not air it… because we’re pussies.”

I took some liberty with that very last part. Animal rights activists feel strongly this one hypothetical puppy matters because it’s fluffy and they are experiencing menopause and devoid of reason. But mostly this is the fault of GoDaddy and the weak willed corporate culture that cave to political correctness. They made the fucking commercial and obviously patted themselves on the back for being hilarious rebels of the business world. A few angry social media posts from humorless small dog owners later and ballsy is replaced with whatever the opposite of ballsy is. American corporations used to fund coups in foreign countries. Now they’re backing off Super Bowl ad buys because DreaLUVSCalicos is flaming them on Twitter. Even the Chinese eunuchs are laughing at us now.

Make Way For Chick Ghostbusters And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 28, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Kids that grew up in the 80′s were punched in the dick by the news of the all female cast of the new Ghostbusters. Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy and a couple of the less expensive chicks from SNL will take the place of the original cast. Why is this happening? Oh yeah, Hollywood hates original ideas.

Read all about this cinematic tragedy. (Dlisted)

Dakota Johnson wears a see-through shirt because she is kind to her fans. (Egotastic)

Is it just me or is Kurt Cobain’s daughter kinda hot. (TMZ)

I like Chris Pratt and all but Indiana Jones? Get a fucking grip. (Huffington Post)

Alessandra Ambrosio knows how to fill out a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alyssa Miller in lingerie is faptastic. (Popoholic)

Lindsay Lohan thinks shaking hands with fans counts as community service.  (The Superficial)

Richard Lugner Marries Younger

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 11:23 AM

Cathy Schmitz Is Very Happy With  81 year old Billionaire Husband
There’s no ambitious escort taping racist comments by billionaires in Austria. They all say racist shit and everybody raises their glass in cheers. That’s why octogenarian billionaires can receive tit jobs from 20-something barbie dolls without fear of being extorted. Richard Lugner is the construction industry magnate who paid Kim Kardashian half a mill to be his date to the Viennese Ball last year. He griped when she brought E! TV cameras along and refused to let him finger her butthole while telling her stories about how Hitler and his dad were swimming pool safety buddies. Much easier to find a blonde German Playboy model and give her a ring and a personal services contract. It’s easy to mock an elderly dude who marries a young girl so his man-servant can maneuver his crinkled peen gently into her vagina. It’s less easy to admit, that’s exactly what I would fucking do if I was 82 and had a billion dollars.

Photo Credit: Getty/Instagram

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip in Versace

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 9:57 AM

Karlie Kloss Nip Slip On Versace Runway
Everybody in Paris was buzzing about Taylor Swift’s lesbian girlfriend’s nipple slip during the Versace show. I think. They speak that gobbledygook language. They might’ve been talking about what sparkling white pairs best with cock. The only excitement in a fashion show is when you see some tit. Everything else is just the white noise of rich people without enviable hobbies. All the designers know they’re frauds with their auto-tuned versions of whatever shit came out years before. The buyers know it, the models, the French waiters cupping their dirty ball sacks then rubbing their soiled fingers over the drinking glasses of the fascists. It’s a grand illusion. Which like any dream is only worth having when a chick is topless and she’s not your mother. I really wish I’d stop having that one.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty

Hayley Hasselhoff Not Fat Enough

By Lex January 28, 2015 @ 9:19 AM

Hayley Hasselhoff Covered Topless
The world was better when skinny girls ridiculed fat girls. It was mean and cruel and often resulted in depression and suicide but it was simple and everybody knew the rules. Now the insecurity women feel about their bodies because men judge them harshly in women’s magazines run by women for women have run completely amok. You’ve got fat girls calling out skinny girls. Injected ostrich looking women calling out Anglican girls for lack of curves. Poor fucking Hayley Hasselhoff is getting shit for not being fat enough:

But it does seem like people will always want to criticize the fashion industry. They are upset when plus size models aren’t featured in campaigns, but then when they are, they’re upset because they aren’t plus size enough.

Hayley receives constant criticism from the fatties for only being a size 12. Far too fat to be a traditional model, not fat enough to become winded microwaving sausage biscuits at the 7-Eleven at three am. Everybody hates you when you’re half-in.

Photo Credit: Javier Oaks