By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
This is Harper’s Bazaar China, so it’s possible this isn’t really Irina Shayk but a knockoff Irina rotocast in a Guangdong factory. China pretty much produces everything in this world made of plastic, stone, metal, wood, or tiger balls. I always wonder when they threaten to nuke the shit out of other countries if they don’t realize how poorly that affects their customer service rating. Here’s your 10,000 units of Authentic Italian knockoff marble floor tiles. We might have snuck a dirty bomb in your shopping cart. Have a nice day. You’ll get crucified on Yelp for pulling shit like that.
Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar China
By Matt August 01, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
After her Hulkster divorce, Linda Hogan took in an orphaned teenager who looked suspiciously like her son. The pair would bang their sweaty parts together with such fervor, migratory birds started shifting their generations old flight paths just to avoid the horrid screeches. Young Charlie Hill is now suing Linda Hogan because he claims that she made him do hundred of hours of unpaid manual labor as a condition of being her live-in concubine in her Simi Valley lakeside estate. The work included gardening, cleaning out the lake, landscaping, and running a chain saw team which I assume is code for waxing Linda neatly around her massively engorged clitoris.
When Hill finally took off, Linda Hogan offered him a showcase showdown featuring a truck, dirt bike, and diamond ring in exchange for signing a confidentiality agreement to shut the fuck up about their awkward adult nursing relationship. Hill allegedly violated the confidentiality within about five minutes because no way you don’t tell everyone you meet how you once finished in Linda Hogan’s ear canal. Now Hogan is suing Hill right back for breach of contract. Hill should have been satisfied with fucking the female twin of his childhood wrestling hero and catching some rays by the lake. He was in the running for the Demi Moore 2024 Sweepstakes, but is now setting his sights on Sable, or Mr. Perfect.
Photo Credit: Splash News
By Matt August 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM
Monica Lewinsky was offended by a reference to herself while watching Orange Is The New Black. She penned an online summary of her experience in which she bestows heroic status on herself for having the courage to write the article. In the Netflix show, one lazily developed archetypical women’s prison character said in reference to trying to frame a male guard:
“Lewinsky that shit… get some splooge on your uniform.”
Lewinsky was apparently aghast, either out of embarrassment for herself or the show’s shitty writing.
“There was a vulgar reference to my last name and DNA. I did what I usually do in these situations where the culture throws me a shard of my former self. After the cringing embarrassment, the whiff of shame, and the sense that I am no longer an agent running my own life, I shuddered, I got up off the sofa, and I turned it off.”
It’s true that of all the cultural icons to choose from in referencing a woman who took down a famous man by preserving his jizz on her dress, why do we always seem to pick on Lewinsky? I guess that must be the shard of her former self she’s talking about. Or maybe the whiff of shame.
Following her inarticulate outrage, Lewinsky digressed into a tenuous body image analogy, which is boring as fuck and does not involve blow jobs, cigars, or being a chubby horny Jewish girl from Brentwood with ambitions so I stopped reading. I can get my latter day feminist diatribes from any one on Jezebel. With Lewinsky, I want to hear about Clinton sex and snapping XL thongs. Shard! Look out.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 01, 2014 @ 6:19 AM
Sony just released an ‘N Synch greatest hits album and didn’t notify the band about it. The greatest hits album comes at an inopportune time for ‘N Sync, since they haven’t released an album in over a decade, already have two greatest hits albums out, and don’t have any greatest hits. The album’s liner notes are a mixed bag. Timberlake is obviously doing well, Bass is best gay friends with half of Hollywood, and Fatone is hosting obscurely conceived shows on the Food Channel. The other two whose names nobody remembers are running janitorial at the last remaining Blockbuster in Florida.
The fact that Sony is putting out old ‘N Synch music and Michael Jackson ‘lost recordings’ album every month is not a great sign for an industry that still hasn’t figured out how to sell shit to millennials thirteen years after shutting down Napster. They could try and discover new music but that sounds like work and if the kids don’t give a shit, why bother. I guess I’m getting old, but I remember when there was a constant flow of crappy new music in the music stores to choose from. You could just say, that horrible fucking song by that Swedish band and every year it was a different horrible fucking song and different Swedish band. Now, what’s the point. Just get a chick with big tits to bang her flip flops together. Actually, that’s not bad.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 3:32 PM
Ten days seems like a long time to be married to Adam Levine. You’ve got to be cursing the damn environmentally sound sun oven in your designer kitchen which will only bake your head slowly on cloudless days. Women don’t like messy exits. Poison, suffocation, watching The View until your medulla oblongata melts. Now that women’s magazines can no longer speculate about the dating or the marriage, they’ve turned their attention to asking Prinsloo about making babies. Blessed to be born naturally dumb, the Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t require the services of a public relations agent to empty up her responses:
I have no expectations. Not in a bad way, but I’ve learned that you can’t plan ahead. I live day by day and see what happens. It’s vague, but I like it that way.
It’s that vagabond throw caution to the wind mentality that led Prinsloo to marry People magazine’s sexiest sex pot man alive who also happens to be worth about $50 million. That was pretty randomly day by day fortunate. I give them another ten days, unless she does get pregnant, then twenty.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 2:37 PM
Chris Pratt had to run around to tons of late night talk shows doing staged jokes to promote Guardians of the Galaxy. They told Zoe Saldana she could just take her clothes off for a woman’s magazine. That’s pretty fucking sexist. Yet I know I don’t need to hear her talk or see Chris Pratt naked. Maybe it’s time to change the way we look at sexism.
Photo Credit: Women’s Health
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
All that hubbub about how school kids across the country were spitting out Michelle Obama’s soy milk curried couscous into the trash can and skipping the new cheap healthy cafeteria meals altogether can be put to rest. Quite coincidentally, a public university in Obama’s hometown of Chicago did a vaguely scientific study where some small number of cafeteria ladies voluntarily responded to a survey declaring that kids were 70-percent more accepting of the nasty wilted sprout lunches than last year. Naturally, they only surveyed the poor and malnourished free lunch kids who surprisingly discovered they liked the healthy food options more and more with every passing meal skipped. In a related study, kids with Kwashiorkor bellies in Somalian refugee camps love of raw corn meal and maggots is up 100%!. It’s amazing how missing a few meals will shake a kid back to the right path. Success, Michelle.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 12:48 PM
It’s amazing how a few seconds seeing a girls tits covered in whipped cream can affect a boy for an entire lifetime. I could stare at Ali Larter’s tits all day long without another thought crossing my mind save for the thought of other women’s boobs. You can’t block out one pair with another. There’s a math equation that explains that. I wish they had an Amazon local coupon to see them bare. So much better than half-priced Thai food.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI