Nobody Should Ask Too Short About Hitler Again (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for a wide variety of people, and specifically Nazi potheads who love Jesus, what with it being Easter, 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Naturally, instead of asking a weed-loving rapper like Too Short what he thinks about it being 4/20 on Easter so he can make jokes about the Easter Bunny and Jesus getting high together or something, a TMZ guy asked him about what it’s like to know that it was 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Too Short doesn’t care about Hitler’s birthday because “Hitler got his” and he knows what went down, and I think the point was that the good guys stopped the bad guys from doing even more terrible shit, but I still feel like I just received a history lesson from a guy who really wants to know when the fucking pizza is going to get here.

This Girl Is Getting An Abortion To Be On Big Brother (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Josie Cunningham’s claim to fame has always been that she proudly took thousands of dollars from England’s National Health Service so she could get her tits done and continue to pursue her career as a “glamour model.” For some reason, the attention has kind of worked in her favor, because she told the Mirror that she was a favorite to appear on the upcoming season of Big Brother until she found out that she’s pregnant, and the network suddenly decided that a pregnant model and escort was just too much crazy shit for one reality show character. Josie then decided that the logical step to make sure that she doesn’t miss out on this shot at stardom is to get an abortion, so one of the two possible fathers – a soccer player or a plastic surgeon who paid her for sex – is going to pay for it, and she couldn’t be prouder.

“Then they suddenly turned cold. That was when I started considering an abortion. After the operation I will be going back to them and asking if they will still consider me.

“I’ve also had loads of other offers to further my career – and I’m not willing to give them up because I’m pregnant.”

I hope this woman becomes a huge star, especially if it’s because of a headline like, “Rapey lion gets loose in Big Brother home, has its way with Josie Cunningham several hundred times before eating her.”

Let’s Keep Pretending Miley Cyrus Had Bad Antibiotics

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

I prefer when the publicists just say the young drug experimenting and partying performers are suffering from exhaustion or vocal chord fatigue or whatever other bullshit to explain why tours are being canceled and why the stars are mysteriously hold up in hospital wards. But I guess allergic reaction to an antibiotic is the new ‘wants to spend more time with her family’. Journey taught us that the road ain’t no place to raise a family, but it is an excellent place to chase down some happy pills with Jack and Cokes. Occasionally bands will cancel tours for non-drug related reasons. The dude from Kings of Leon canceled the tour a couple summers back because he just wanted to bang the shit out of his new Victoria’s Secret wife. Van Halen’s reunion concert got shut down when the crotchety old dudes just couldn’t stand to fucking look at each other sober. But, by and large, it’s recreational substances. Though that was refuted by Miley’s publicists:

Miley was suffering from a sinus infection during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed the antibiotic Cephalexin which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to. This type of extreme reaction can last from five to 27 days in these types of cases. She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time. Miley is devastated about missing shows and possibly disappointing her fans.

That certainly seems official. Despite first hand accounts of Miley’s massive weed smoking, it’s hard to argue with publicist penned science. I can certainly give her my compassion at this time. Privacy is another matter. I’d like to retain that for myself. I do hope Miley gets better. I bet her drug connect does too.

Photo credit: Splash News

Amped Up White People Need to Stop Climbing Mount Everest

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:33 PM

George Leigh Mallory was the first prep school dick from England to be famous for trying to climb Mount Everest. He’s the guy who when asked in the 1920′s why he wanted to climb the mountain, he said ‘because it’s there’. Then he asked a bunch of rich socialites in New York to give him some cash so he and his Cambridge rowing buddy could go climb Everest. This was after his first expedition where seven Sherpa were killed in an avalanche. Sherpa are the alpine grunts of Nepal who economically depend on rich white tourists coming to climb their big fucking mountain. If they lived in Acapulco, they’d be serving sunburned white people cocktails with umbrellas and providing cocaine and prostitute hookups. But they got stuck in Tibet, so they need to go hang ropes at 25,000 feet and test the trails as human avalanche bait. Now another twelve or more Sherpa have died in an avalanche preparing for Spring climbing season when ambitious dicks with a need to take epic selfies come by the thousands to scale the peak. Twelve is officially the record in one fell swoop, although who knows how many countless Sherpa have died in the past hundred years carrying protein bars and Vitamin water for the adventuresome tourists. At least George Leigh Mallory had the decency to perish on his last climb up the mountain. They found his frozen body seventy years later. None of the North Face clad Western climbers took a scratch from this latest avalanche. It sucks to be born Sherpa.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Serena Williams Is Raw Power

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:06 PM

Serena Williams Booty In A Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I think it’s great that women feel body positive or whatever term is in vogue in 2014 for women without model frames to hang out mostly naked and drink fruity cocktails and bitch about that whore Nancy at work and feel good about themselves. Why not feel positive about your body. Fuck what other people think. Go to Europe and you’ll see countless mounds of flab and furry naked badger like creatures rolling like barrels around the beaches worshipping the sun like it can somehow heal their hibernating woodland mammal features. You’ll see them rhythmically puffing cigarettes out of one or more of their chunked up orifices, allowing their lack of humility to serve as their one way Eurail ticket to the good life. So take to the beaches in your bikinis, women of all shapes and sizes, non polygons of various vertices and bubbling anatomical insulation. You’re all welcome at my sandy shore. Except for you, Serena, you scare the fuck out of me. You’ve got to go.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Fameflynet

Joanna Krupa’s Ass Might be Headed West

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 4:21 PM

Joanna Krupa Shows Off Her Booty In A Minidress In West Hollywood
If you love seeing sliced up middle aged married crones getting loaded and screaming at each other before falling down and crying about their lives, then you probably give a shit about the Real Housewives shows on Bravo! Also, if you’re gay and you’re going to a dinner party any time soon, you should probably catch up. There’s a rumor that model and alleged former escort Joanna Krupa is being moved from the Real Housewives of Miami to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She’s even put her swank Miami condo on the block. In the world of cheesecake eating ladies whose asses carry the patterned designs of their sofas, this is basically Babe Ruth being traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees. Or sold as he was. Which is more apropos given Joanna’s past. I mean, alleged past. Not that I look down on working ladies. Though I am one of those guys who proudly says he’s never paid for sex in his life while having been bankrupted by every single girl he’s ever slept with. Which has nothing to do with Joanna’s ass which was spotted in Los Angeles just yesterday. Bravo nation, start sucking harder on those Brach’s candies, this deal might be going down.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

James Franco Deals Well With Poor Reviews

By Jack April 18, 2014 @ 3:14 PM

Professional handsome guy James Franco is all in a tizzy over an unfavorable review of his Broadway show. Franco is currently starring in a revival of Of Mice And Men where he plays George to Chris O’Dowd’s Lenny. Pissy New York Times Critic Ben Brantley thought the show sucked donkey balls. He said Franco sounded like Yosemite Sam. But, rather than take criticism like a man, Franco decided to lash out on that favorite tool for teen temper tantrums, Twitter:

“Sadly Ben Brantley and the NYT have embarrassed themselves. Brantley is such a little bitch he should be working for Gawker.com instead of the paper of record. The theater community hates him, and for good reason, he’s an idiot.”

I haven’t seen the show. I’m too poor to both afford tickets and pay for my uncontrollable online porn habit. But it is scientifically impossible for this show to not suck. James Franco and Chris O’Dowd doing Steinbeck? I just said that like it means anything. Just picture James Franco being a shitty actor in tons of movies, then pretend he’s trying to do something subtle and poignant, like telling seventeen year old girls to meet him in a hotel room. The dude’s art is not subtle. It’s looking good and having a bawdy laugh at the world as he screws everyone’s daughters. So you’re not a good actor. You still get all the benefits of one. Shut that fucking Twitter account off already and ask AOL to kindly bring back their Teens Only chat rooms where you can conquest with more quiet dignity.

Kylie Jenner’s Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman Whore

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

Kylie Jenner In Daisy Dukes Leaving Sugarfish In Calabasas
Kylie Jenner finds it insulting that people insist she’s had plastic surgery just because she comes from a family obsessed with plastic surgery, mom, dad, sisters, I think the dog had a scrotal tuck. Also because even though she’s only how ever many fake years old, she looks pretty different than she did a year or two ago. Some website went to the trouble of documenting the change in the size of her lips, which I guess isn’t technically surgery, just collagen injections or rubbing poison ivy plucked from Khloe’s fresh dung onto your lips to make them ducky.

It really is easy to forget Kylie is just sixteen. You know, given that she’s been out of school for two years, is a TV star, has multiple merchandising lines, and tools around in her luxury SUV, Still, I can’t help recall the time Kim went on some stupid TV show to get x-rays to prove she didn’t have butt implants. No, just the tender blubber of slaughtered baby narwhals shot into her ass like so many black athletes looking to add their name to the list. A bit of the parsing of words, or as the Kardashians call them, those letters altogether thingees. I’d judge Kylie more if I wasn’t staring at her under-aged ass, which while perfectly legals, still seems pretty damn creepy. I like to think this is a safe place to share.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI