Powerball, That’s the Ticket

By Lex January 12, 2016 @ 1:41 PM

Powerball

When I said signing a Change.org petition meant you were a feckless retard, I really meant buying Powerball tickets. I know losing money is fun. Who doesn’t love to lose money? It’s for the children after all. One out of ever billion dollars spent returns to the classroom where almost twenty-percent of it is spent on classroom education. Powerball mania is sweeping the nation as the world’s worst gambling payout scheme continues to convince the homeless and large groups of officemates that you have a bigger chance of winning the greater the pot.

The lottery is a solid reminder that while the government cracks down on FanDuel and DraftKings, they’re not doing so in your interest. They’re doing so in their interest. Powerball and other state and multi-state lotteries make a shit load of money. They are the biggest operators of gambling in most states not named Nevada or New Jersey. New York made $3.1 billion last year off the lottery. They don’t get crap from fantasy sports gambling cover rings operating out of unincorporated Yemen. They cleared the mob out of the numbers game. Now the online operators. What do I do with my gambling addiction now? Are you serious? I plunk down a mere two bucks and the birthdays of the kids the court took away from me and I win a billion? Fuck yeah. Rent money won’t matter when I’m living in a mansion.

These guys screamed for joy when they thought they had the winning numbers. They didn’t. They never will.

Daisy Lea And Tegan Ashley Seem Like Fun Party Guests

By Lex January 12, 2016 @ 12:24 PM

Daisy Lea And Tegan Ashley Topless Together
There comes a time in the lifecycle of every fake consumer products company when its time to start paying girls with tattoos to roll around naked with your merchandise. No, this wasn’t authorized by Terry in Marketing. Fuck, Terry, what does she know about a good time? Yeah, there was that drunken office party where we found out she wasn’t a man. I still remember the smell.

One of these girls was in Playboy. One of these girls’ dad used to beat off to Swank. That’s why they look so naturally comfortable pouring water on each other’s tits. There’s a pretty severe drought going on, ladies. Let’s try to keep that water just to the tits.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ciara Bares Cleavage For America And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 12, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Sexy singer Ciara set off a firestorm of uptight people tweeting angrily when she wore a low plunging neckline to sing the national anthem on Monday night’s championship game. If it plunged any lower we might’ve seen her dick and I’d fire off a letter myself.

I say let the titties fly for America. (TMZ)

Julianne Hough is steamy in a swimsuit. (Last Men On Earth)

Lady Gaga shows off her nipple because Lady Gaga. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Gigi Hadid is leggy as fuck. (Popoholic)

Bella Thorne works out and gets your heart rate up. (Drunken Stepfather)

Geek chicks now come in hot. (The Chive)

Olivia Knox in slinky black lingerie will make your day. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kendall Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Eskimo Sisters

By Lex January 12, 2016 @ 11:18 AM

Kendall Jenner And Hailey Baldwin Night Out
Justin Bieber has tagged both of these women. It’s two in an impressive list that will ultimately be in his first set of memories, Just How Many Celebrity Models Can a Rich Midget Fuck? The name is meant to be rhetorical. The answer is thirty-seven. It’s horrible when assholes can point to scoreboard whenever you call them assholes. It’s their Allspark. Throw up your hands. Famous people don’t die of The AIDS anymore. Start a Change.org petition to get him to take in some vetted Syrian refugees and wait for it to play out. He won’t be so cocky without his head.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Petitioners Want George Lucas Back

By Lex January 12, 2016 @ 10:18 AM

George-Lucas

Change.org petitions were designed to allow people to turn their petty feelings into petty requests. They’re fatwas for atheists. Have you heard a baby cry? It doesn’t become more worthwhile when five more babies join in. It becomes the moment you first consider killing babies. The signature list needs to be printed out for when eugenics comes back around. Get your Planned Parenthood snippers, we’re cutting the jugulars of the petition signers. Do it in a Blue State and you walk.

20,000 people have signed onto a Change.org petition have Disney replace director Colin Trevorrow on Episode IX with George Lucas because Lucas last made three super shitty Star Wars films and you’ll want to book him fast. He also took several billion dollars to walk away quietly from your precious nerd universe. You need to walk away now too. Look at Lucas’ wife’s tits. You don’t get that. You also don’t get the billions but you have the pride in knowing you’re on the cull list for the species. Change.org. Not changing a god damn thing one petition at a time.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Nicki Minaj and Farrah Abraham Go Lincoln Douglas

By Lex January 12, 2016 @ 7:18 AM

Nicki-Minaj-and-Farrah-Abraham

Nicki Minaj called Teen Mom a #BigCUNT on Twitter because Farrah Abraham spoke rudely to her mom on some MTV reality show where ugly people with lots of makeup dab their eyes with tiny facial wipes. Twitter turns out to be the perfect universe for the limited lobed people who like watching porn stars just talk about their problems as a form of entertainment. You ever worry your insults aren’t terse enough? Try Twitter. You get a few characters, one to three inane hashtag, and an exclamation point. Fuck You #CuntFace #IJustSaidFuckYou CU !!.

Minaj noted a mistake in Abraham’s grammar on one Tweet and everybody realized a line had been crossed. Fighting ceased. God gave you women fingers so you could grasp weaves and yank each other to the ground. Not to type. Watch the apes in Space Odyssey in reverse. Take notes.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Charli XCX Looks Ready

By Lex January 11, 2016 @ 12:58 PM

Charli XCX Big Cleavage For Art Of Elysiums Heaven Gala
This British singer chick did her best to evoke the sense of battered dock whore circa 1920. It gets people in the mood for giving at these celebrity galas and auctions. Pull out your checkbooks or we’ll drown another one of her bastard children in front of her. She was screaming bloody murder five minutes ago. Foundation makes it harder to tell. My god those tits are glorious. Were you heavily influenced by David Bowie? My dick just changed my Spotify channel.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sean Penn and El Chapo Muy Simpatico (VIDEO)

By Lex January 11, 2016 @ 12:06 PM

Interview-With-El-Chapo

Rolling Stone magazine which occasionally makes up stories for shits and giggles sent actor, activist, and ageless angry dickweed Sean Penn into the jungles of Mexico for a secret interview with escaped Sinaloa drug lord, El Chapo. Penn was directed to El Chapo in hiding by a Mexican telenovela actress because he gets a surprising amount of top notch pussy for an old dude with a chin beard. Rolling Stone was probably sitting on the interview for a more precious release, but when El Chapo got re-re-arrested they had to spew it out fast. It’s primarily video taped interviews where El Chapo explains El Chapo in about as interesting a manner as an actor talking about what led him to eventually star in some big time crappy movie. Your plumber will never tell you about the middle school teacher who most influenced him into his profession, so tip him extra.

Sean Penn nods his head graciously and thoughtfully in good measure because despite spending the better part of his middle years befriending Latin American thugs, he hasn’t really invested any time in learning Spanish. Maybe turn on the Rosetta Stone every now and then when doing power lifts in your home gym? What we ultimately learn from El Chapo isn’t much. He said he doesn’t touch his shit and blames Americans for loving smack and toot which is pretty fair. He also mentions how removing him from the landscape won’t do shit to diminish the drug trade since somebody will simply take his place. Also accurate. Alas, the time to make your sensible political statements is before you behead a thousand people and bury their children alive.

Rolling Stone allowed El Chapo to have final say on what made his published interview, which is to say, this piece violates every single rule of journalism. I’m pretty sure Mike Wallace didn’t let Khomeini in he Avid bay to cut his 60 Minutes segment. Rumor is that Sean Penn may be in trouble with the DEA for sneaking off to meet El Chapo in a hideout the U.S. government probably is paying for under some obtuse scheme. Penn may also face retribution from the drug cartel since El Chapo was discovered by authorities shortly after their secret meeting in the mountains. It’s unlikely Penn snitched since he adores anything anti-U.S., but it is possible somebody planted a tracking device in his perfect 3-day growth shaving kit.

If this ends with both El Chapo and Sean Penn in a U.S. prison where rape is not allowed, but tacitly encouraged like at a Sigma Nu 151 punch party, then we will all be winners. Senor Spicoli, it’s activity hour again. The boss doesn’t like so much when you cry. Hint hint.