Do Not Go Down on The Stripper

By Lex October 08, 2015 @ 9:48 AM

I’m pretty unflappable when it comes to idiotic fraternity hazing rituals. When you agree to allow for an institution run entirely by 20-year old drunk boys named Scotty (that’s actually the dude’s name in the video so shut the fuck up) there is no effective off limits. There is no gross. There is no being appalled after the fact. As long as everybody wakes up not dead the next morning, it’s kosher.

Some fake Greek named fraternity got shut down at Indiana University which claims to be a real academic institution because a video leaked of them hazing their pledges in a group sex ritual that involved them forcing some poor drunk shmuck to perform oral sex on the professional party talent. Naturally, the University was horrified because they haven’t read the newspaper or the Internet for the past several decades.


The first rule of your culture of care ought to be, do not let your students go down on a paid sex worker. I could show you the augur smeared petri dish reasons why, but we can probably settle on common sense. Forcing somebody to get oral herpes in front of a group of dudes in their underwear seems like a bizarre way of forming lifelong fraternal bonds, but to each their own. This is the college experience. Why can’t I get a job again? Oh, that’s right. Occupy Wall Street!

Farrah Abraham DNA Not Flying Off the Shelf

By Lex October 08, 2015 @ 9:11 AM


According to Celebrity Gene, makers of fine liquid human DNA filled necklaces since whenever, the Farrah Abraham model wasn’t exactly moving. After four months on the market, not a single one had sold. Buying a pendant filled with a stranger’s genetic material seems like an odd purchase. Maybe Charles Manson freaks or Taylor Swift’s easily manipulated teens would find it provides some kind of comfort when totally alone in the universe, but porn star DNA is inherently icky. It’s like framing your bukkake.

Celebrity Gene claims that Farrah Abraham barely marketed the genetic necklace. In contrast, she spent tons of time pushing her adult sexy toys which just made people even more inclined not to buy her spooge jewelry. Abraham is crass and a liar, but she’s not stupid. She makes a healthy percentage off her molded assholes and vaginas. The creepy necklace proceeds go to charity. Celebrity Gene fired Abraham. Though legally they have the right to clone a dozen of her, have their way with them, then push them off a cliff. Best Christmas office party ever.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Joan Smalls Self-Censors

By Lex October 08, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Joan Smalls Pasties Flash At Vogue Party
Joan Smalls, the surprisingly Puerto Rican fashion model, flashed her pasties covered nipple at a Vogue Party in Paris. Either she lost a bet or she’s reminding the world that models will suck you in between Camel draws in the back of taxis, but their nipples remain off limits on Instagram. Unevenly applied morality remains difficult to defend. Today, it cost us a nipple. Tomorrow… I can’t think of anything worse.

Here’s Joan Smalls topless from six weeks ago. Imagination is overrated.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Ashley Judd Was Harassed Hard

By Lex October 08, 2015 @ 6:38 AM


Ashley Judd has previously recalled stories of rape, molestations, and incest by unnamed adult males. She’s suing Twitter trolls for sexually lame attacks on her after a University of Kentucky sports tweet. Now she’s come out with a tale of illegal sexual harassment by an unnamed studio chief in the late 90′s. Judd claims she reveals these tales as they come back to her, in the name of providing empowering examples for other women. She doesn’t name any of the perpetrators which brings her threshold of proof down to zero. You can asses for yourself what it does to her credibility.

Ashley Judd describes how her Anon film executive harasser would constantly come on to her with trite little bits about grabbing a late meal up in his hotel room, or coming upstairs to help him pick out what to wear.  Basically, what every other guy has had to do to get women over to their place since Blockbuster went out of business. Then it got worse:

The ultimate thing when I was weaseling out of everything else was, ‘Will you watch me take a shower?’

In that moment, I told him something like, ‘When I win an Academy Award in one of your movies.’ He said, ‘No, when you get nominated.’ I said, ‘No, no, when I win an Academy Award.’ That was a small moment of power when I was able to contradict him and hold to my reality. And then I got out of there. And by the way, I’ve never been offered a movie by that studio. Ever.”

Well, that case seems open and shut. No man should compel a woman to hold her reality, let alone his towel while he showers. Though I’m not sure that’s exactly illegal. Just gross. Especially if he’s old and fat. If he’s young and handsome and successful, it’s a cute story to tell your friends after you get back from your honeymoon together.

Judd claims this same studio chief hit on tons of other women in Hollywood the exact same way. Did he not hire any of these actresses as well? Did he make only gay gladiator films? Why don’t you throw us a name every now and then so we can judge for ourselves. Also, while you’re at it, could you do my back? I’m kidding. Also, judgement proof.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Randy Quaid Deported And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 07, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Character actor and Santa Claus on meth look-a-like Randy Quaid is being detained by Canadian immigration. He lives in Montreal because he’s in deep legal trouble in the U.S. and crazy assholes are more readily accepted in Montreal.

When did he go batshit crazy? (TMZ)

Sylvie Meis in lingerie makes me Dutch drool. (Last Men On Earth)

Telenovela star Isabel Madow shows off her naked chichis. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Sienna Guillory has a good ‘ol fashioned nip slip. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lily Donaldson has some long legs and delicious cleavage. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hot girls on bikes has to be a fetish somewhere, right? (The Chive)

Newsflash: Kylie Jenner has a big fake butt. (Popoholic)

Kendall Jenner See Through In Paris

By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 11:40 AM

Kendall Jenner See Through In Paris
Not to be outdone by her sisters and half-sisters and Vagina Dad getting naked, Kendall Jenner managed to put on something super expensive in Paris that still showed off her tits. This is either a family of barely trainable whores or the most clever long con grifter clan since the Kennedy’s. The state IQ tests says moron but the bank account says Kennedy. They are the closest thing this nation has to royalty. Wake me for the beheadings. Or just more tits.

Photo Credit: Getty

Kourtney Kardashian Topless In Vanity Fair

By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 9:44 AM

Kourtney Kardashian Butt Nekkid In Vanity Fair
Kourtney Kardashian released photos from Vanity Fair where she appears to be writhing in pain from family branded diet powder withdrawal. Like Trainspotting, but even less intelligible. With three illegitimate children, Kourtney Kardashian has always been seen as the thoughtful sister among the porn family coven. I question the wisdom of these photos. Wait for the Red Cross to arrive with a hot meal and a blanket. You’ll have to fuck one of them, but think of the wonderful stories for the Gonorrhea and Etc. chapter of your memoirs.

Photo Credit: Vanity Fair

Selena Gomez Still Figuring Out Fat Shaming

By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 9:31 AM

Selena Gomez admitted she sought out professional help after somebody in an airport yelled at her ‘you’re fat’ as you often see people in airports doing. TSA is still reviewing the security footage. Through therapy and the support of good friends and family, Selena was able to overcome the body shaming and take her clothes off for her brand new album, Revival, because Recycled was already taken.

Each year, I’m becoming more who I am. I have a little more self-awareness. I feel confident and free. I’m not going to hide in my room and be depressed

Sounds like the therapy is holding. For now. Gomez cites living with roommates who have normal jobs like putting on celebrity charity galas to really help her stay grounded. But when happens the next time she’s shopping at Old Navy and she hears the familiar attacks of ‘Go home, you stupid fat Mexican blimp whore’ from the mouths of random customers and stores clerks? Remember what you learned. Count to ten slowly and remind yourself you’re still good looking and rich and famous and you will get through this. Nobody suffers like the privileged.

Photo Credit: Instagram