By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 1:31 PM
It’s day five of her commercial feeding frenzy in Miami and you wouldn’t believe the kind of gunk that’s built up in Victoria’s Silvstedt’s vagina. It’s similar to the miscellaneous refuse of a ’80 LeSabre ashtray. Lots of Wrigley’s wrappers and lint and loose buffalo nickels. But you can’t just run that pouch through the car wash. You need some kind of industrial solvents and a centrifuge to separate the coins from the secretions that are specifically designed to adhere currency. Not surprising, they got a lab for that in Miami.
Photo Credit: Splash, Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 1:18 PM
Miley Cyrus skipped her costume change and hit the stage in her underwear in Milwaukee so she wouldn’t miss her mark for the concert crowd of bellowing below average bell-curvers frothing to hear her dulcet tones.
But, I’m confused. Doesn’t the song not start until you come out to sing it? Or are you suggesting… no, can’t be. Fuck, I so wanted Miley’s music to be as real as her twelve-year old boy’s body. Help me, German ghost of Rob Pilatus.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 12:52 PM
When I reach the front of any line and I’m not rewarded with a free turkey or a hummer, I get pretty fucking disappointed. If I did the slow shuffle for an hour only to find myself in front of Lea Michele in front of a giant poster of Lea Michele, I’d probably demand a Butterball and a hummer, settling for the turkey. But likely I’d just be treated to more magazine-ready tales about how Dead Corey Monteith inspired many tracks on Lea Michele’s new album, even though she didn’t actually write or produce any of them.
I didn’t record one word I didn’t feel – whether or not I wrote it.
Sort of the way I excerpted Huck Finn in 7th grade for the story of what I did for my summer vacation. Thankfully my teacher was more racist than well-read and it was my only A of the semester. I suppose you can always hear somebody else’s sad song and take it to be your own interpretation of how you felt when your boyfriend injected himself with time to leave the earth potion.
“And now I will start living today, today, today / I close the door / I got this new beginning and I will fly / I’ll fly like a cannonball,”
I’m not sure flying like a cannonball is the best analogy for starting over after a loss. It’s possible Lea isn’t familiar what happens with artillery at the termination of its flight. Between this and Katy Perry’s ‘do you ever feel like a plastic blag floating in the wind’ I’m wondering if pop music writers aren’t running short on metaphors for air travel. You can’t even find a plastic bag in L.A. anymore. A cannon hasn’t been fired around here since 1846. But, you know, teen girls do connect with anachronistic munitions references. No matter how this album sells, I hope when Lea Michele visits Dead Cory Monteith’s grave with photographers from her next magazine feature, she tells him it was a winner. Like a cannonball.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Travis March 10, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Someone smart and famous once said that there are no second acts in American lives, but Kirsten Dunst must have skipped that class because she’s been turning the sexy up to infinity lately. When a 31-year old actress, who might as well be 41 for all we care, starts hitting the gym again on the weekends, that usually means that there’s a new purpose in her life. Is Kirsten being motivated by a new gentleman lover? Does she have her eye on a new, career-defining role? Or did someone strap a bomb vest to her while she was passed out face down in a gutter and tell her that it will detonate as soon as she stops trying again? I’m guessing it’s a little bit of A, B and hopefully C.
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Travis March 10, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Ageless supermodel Heidi Klum proved once again that she’s just as normal and down to Earth as the rest of us, as she took her kids to soccer practice and shot the shit with the other wealthy parents while their kids all got the same trophy for participation, because screw rewarding the better players when there are feelings on the line. Heidi kept the juice boxes and apple slices handy for her kids on the sideline, and I’m pretty sure that she wore a white shirt with a black bra so that when the game was over, the players would dump the Gatorade cooler on her. If that’s not what happened, then those little brats really need to get their shit together and start thinking like a team.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis March 10, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Just in case the first look at Jessica Alba in Sin City 2 didn’t impress you, because she was wearing a wig or that black and white artsy bullshit is just too fake looking for you, the actress went with a natural beauty look while grocery shopping over the weekend to remind you that she basically looks good in any light. She might not have ever learned how to act over her 20 year career, but nobody really needs to know how to memorize lines when they have legs like that. It’s just a shame that she didn’t show her comedy side by holding a pair of melons in front of her chest like they were her comically large breasts, and then take her top off. That would have been hilarious.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 7:21 PM
Playboy offered Sean Penn’s hot daughter $150K to do a couple nudies in their magazine. Dylan Penn said no. It’s not because Hugh rose out of his hermetically sealed sarcophagus two years ago and handed a bloated Lindsay Lohan $1 million to be digitally cleaned up in his magazine, it’s because she was just, meh. which magazine is Playboy again? Dylan Penn’s publicists will try to convince you she’s on the verge of breaking big as a fashion model. She booked a Gap Outlet shoot and I think she wore the Del Taco taco in a 2-for coupon ad. She’s no fashion model. Not every good looking celebrity kid is cut out for the runway. Kendall Jenner might have the brains of a slowly boiled turnip, but she’s tall and skinny and closely resembles a walking mannequin. Dylan’s short and curvy with big tits. Which means every man in the world wants to bone you, provided roid-rage daddy isn’t lurking about, but you can’t do the heroin zombie bit on the catwalk. She’s topless glamor model material. She could be great too. She’d be perfect for Playboy, if this were thirty years ago.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 5:10 PM
Miley Cyrus is clearly battling an inferior foe in this pop star lesbo sex bitch down. Katy Perry is still playing a cheeky kid’s game while Miley Cyrus is shoving a whole rubber hand up her shiver and calling Katy a dirty mouthed bitch. Katy tried to turn it back into a game with her response:
Nope. A day late and a molded fist dildo too late, Miley is ripping a cork off a bottle of Old Grand-Dad with her teeth while you’re making lemonade spritzers. You don’t get it, Katy Perry. Miley isn’t fooling around. When she gets to England, you’re not going to give her a silly spanking for the cameras. Miley is going to have her furry midgets pin you down on the banks of the Thames while she unlawfully carnally gets to know you. When she’s done, you’ll be wet and dirty and shivering at the foot of Big Ben wondering if even Russell Brand would ever take you back. You opened the can of worms, Katy. Now Miley’s going to close it, with your twat.
Photo Credit: Getty