By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 7:40 AM
Renee Zellweger missed the mark in explaining why her face is unrecognizable from her face of a few years ago. It appears she became enlightened and fulfilled, and in that moment her face morphed into that of her spirit animal:
“I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows. My friends say that I look peaceful… I am healthy. For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself.”
When people have moments of clarity they sometimes invoke acts of charity, maybe kicking the booze, or washing their hands of their deadbeat boyfriend. Doing whatever this woman does to her face seems to be the opposite. A manic scramble for self acceptance that hooked a wide right. My yoga instructor always says true enlightenment cannot occur until you remove your tear ducts and inject putty in your head. I have strayed from the light.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 7:14 AM
Blake Griffin is accused of slapping and choking some dude named Daniel at a Vegas club by some dude named Daniel from the club. The guy claims he was taking a panoramic interior of the club which just happened to be within an arm’s length of Griffin and some teammates, so Griffin grabbed the dude’s phone. He wouldn’t let the phone go so Griffin choked him. Then the club’s security came and Griffin apparently kicked them out of their own establishment like a boss. You don’t want to fuck with Blake Griffin and his wildebeest mates armed with pepper spray or Kremlin riot gear. Those motherfuckers are animals. Then Griffin apparently slapped the guy. Professional athletes don’t like having their photos taken. They want to relax and avoid their whore mingling being posted on the Internet for their first wives and assorted baby mamas to see. No word on when Daniel will include the part of the story where he was was shit faced, pestered the athletes all night with his cell camera, before spilling a vodka cran on Griffin’s shoes and asking him what the fuck he was going to do about it.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 6:28 AM
Some anonymous old guy beat the shit out of some dude in a sparring match. This isn’t a good situation if you’re an up and coming pretty boy on your first cycle of creatine trying to impress the bros at the gym. Either plaster some geezer’s face or get your ass handed to you and slink off in disgrace. This old guy is trying to take someone’s head off, in a fucking sparring match. If anyone not on a pension did this they’d be jumped by the entire gang and told never to return. Then some guy would throw a Molotov Cocktail through your window a few days later for good measure.
Old guys know they can get away with anything. If you feel like kicking some unsuspecting good sport’s ass for the cheap thrill, go for it. Whatever gets you through the day. Those sweet memories of mixing it up on the boulevard and pulling off Maggie O’Mally’s knickers to reveal that sweet bajingo will come rushing back. Stop at the Drive In and peel out without paying for your shake. You do you old man.
By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
When you’re in the throes of a rape charge its best to lay low. Maybe take the multicultural cartoon kids from We Pals picnicking. Otherwise, keep out out of sight and act contrite. Wannabe Hefner and classic over compensator Sanford Rubenstein decided to hit up a New York City sex club where he was denied entry because only younger more attractive rapists were allowed. Rubenstein is a former Al Sharpton associate who has maintained a befuddling well documented rape habit, a plateau which only highly sought after personal injury attorneys can attain. The trick is to sexually assault someone, ask if they’ve been injured, give them your card, and never answer. Hopefully this conviction sticks. I don’t know how ambulance chasers are treated in prison, but feeble rapists tend to get what’s coming to them. Namely personal injury.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 2:29 PM
Courtney Stodden just posted this to her Instagram account. She forgot the hashtag desperate and just farted. I will admit to some Discovery Channel level of interest in the results of harrowing silica mining operations. It’s mostly Courtney Stodden’s tits and the medical devices used to manufacture Courtney Stodden’s tits. Also silly putty, which is Courtney Stodden’s tits for kids. I’m not sure if these kinds of photos get you work, but they beat listing hiking on your resume as interests. I just assume those people are serial killers. Hiking is for Europeans. Guys in America who hike are looking for places to shallow bury their victims.
By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
When you’re sixteen and your Catholic school girls gym teacher is banging you multiple times a week on school grounds, you’ve got to start believing in Jesus. Megan Mahoney, who sounds like every single girl who ever went to Catholic school, was busted for over 30 counts of statutory rape on one of the students at Moore Catholic High in Staten Island. Let’s just admit any time there’s an underaged sex crime involving Catholic institutions our first thought goes to boys and paddles in the rectory. So even the pearl clutchers who lament twenty and thirty-something crazy horny women riding high school boys have to be a little relieved nobody’s going too traumatized to lead a normal life. In fact, this lucky young bastard got a nice head start on life.
Unlike most hot for teacher cases these days, this boy seemed to keep the entire taboo fuckfest on the down low. Good for you, son. He got busted after his ex-girlfriend saw him being post-coitally giggly with the school teacher at a pizzeria. New York pizza really is the best in the world after you’ve been railing the chesty assistant girls basketball coach. Leave it to a jealous ex to ruin a good thing.
Mahoney faces up to a lifetime or two in prison for her crimes of passion. We need to set an example so good looking teachers with large knockers know they can’t just fulfill the most powerful dream of their male students because their vaginas get tingly around junior jocks. Teen boys are meant to struggle with girls. It encourages all sorts of positive feelings like frustration and anger and misogyny. Shame on you, Megan Mahoney. Any idea where you’ll be locked up yet?
Photo credit: Staten Island Advance/Hilton Flores
By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 12:58 PM
Nothing quite says I’m a noted author like tossing out your big fake tits like they’re the daily catch at the fish market. Who wants some tits? Get your tits here? Hey, you read my new book? Hemingway never pulled that shit. Then again, Hemingway only had sagging man boobs, not the trumpet sections Katie Price delivers when she launches the latest installment of her lighthearted memoirs.
Since nobody’s actually ever read her books, it’s impossible to confirm the excellence that surely lies within her folds. But if you buy 100 copies for your store, Katie Price will come dressed as the kind of angel that gets passed around at bachelor parties after the more squeamish guys have left. Katie puts out another one of these autobiographical novels pretty much every six to twelve months. She’s either living some kind of interesting life or the books contain a detailed diary of her stools. I’d probably buy the bowel movement recordings for my Kindle. I’ve got a low threshold on digital downloads.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 11:23 AM
Adrianne Curry reeks of feminine power. If you need somebody to flash their bare ass at Comic-Con and then punch a nerd for being inappropriately handsy, Adrianne is your gal. A woman can’t possibly exude more vaginal power of Gaia then when posing naked and curled up in the corner. It’s only a matter of months before the Hilary Clinton abused nudes in the corner appear ahead of her New Hampshire primary push. Gunt side facing away from the camera, if you please, Madame Future President.
Photo Credit: Instagram