By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 10:32 AM
A foreign conflict demands the immediate attention of celebrities who not only went to acting school, but also read newspapers on airplanes. Naturally, all the Euro celebrities in their millennium long anti-Semitic bubbles are demanding Gaza be set free, just as soon as they can find it on a map. They just know the Gazanians aren’t being mistreated right by doctors and accountants and record company executives running Israel and the media. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem penned an open letter demanding Israel stop its genocide. Then Penelope clarified her remarks when she remembered Woody Allen is the only guy who will hire her to play leads any more:
“I don’t want to be misunderstood on this important subject. I’m not an expert on the situation and I’m aware of the complexity of it.”
No need to apologize, Penelope. Even without a solid basis for understanding, leveling war crimes charges seems like a thoughtful opening gambit. Selena Gomez changed her Twitter headliner to ‘Pray for Gaza’, though her political expression may be more related to recently discovering she’s a lesbian than anything she learned in her first and final year of her elementary schooling. Madonna loves Israel but felt obliged to write something poetic about how the children of Gaza were like flowers in a vase. I suppose that sounds better than comparing them to human bombing decoys, which is more factually correct.
Chrissy Teigen, who is uniquely self-aware about the proper role of celebrities in relation to geo-political conflicts noted on her Twitter that the road to peace was the Jack in the Box drive-thru. It wasn’t particular hilarious, but it was the least annoying thing penned by an actor/singer/model in the past two weeks about Gaza.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 9:47 AM
Katy Perry put it out there. Be the right guy to stuff a baby inside of me or I will go baster. The precise spermatozoa cocktail Katy intends to bathe her eggs in remains unclear. She could have each of her former boyfriends jizz into the 500ml beaker and slam that mix home such that none will ever no who is the true birth father. Or she could go completely rogue and mount a homeless man with good bone structure.
I don’t need a dude. I mean, Neil [Patrick Harris] and David [Burtka], their twins are beautiful.
Good point. Although, those are actually two dudes, so not a great point.
It’s 2014! We are living in the future; we don’t need anything. I don’t think I’ll have to, but we’ll see. I’m not anti-men. I love men. But there is an option if someone doesn’t present himself.
As a child, I always dreamed of living in the future. That happened. But my future was flying cars and far more tactile realistic cyberporn. Hollywood women have been taking matters into their own hands for years now when it comes to purchasing or implanting babies so they can fulfill their maternal longings. You do need a pint-sized showpiece for all those Pixar premieres. Many people worry that women are abusing their new power to produce offspring with just their wombs and a decent credit card limit. That seems shortsighted. If a vanity baby with a stupid name prevents Katy Perry from writing just one more song, it’s a small price to pay.
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 9:09 AM
Michelle Rodriguez had her stank gun spread and ready as Justin Bieber raced toward her yacht on his midget retreat dinghy, still freshly tattered from his bar room kerfuffle. Michelle Rodriguez’s bisexual vagina watercraft is where Hollywood now heads when it’s confused or wounded or just wants somebody Spanish to shove a dildo up their orifice and tell them not to cry. Justin would be wise not to taunt Michelle with how he fucked any of her girlfriends. She doesn’t punch like Orlando Bloom.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
Lindsay Lohan’s plan to escape the tabloid press by moving to Europe seems to be going well. I’ve only seen her seventeen times in the past three days, documenting her every step and bowel movement. All the news outlets mocking Lindsay’s sagging titties today are missing out on the larger point, look at that monster gunt. And the even larger point, why must we immediately criticize women for their looks? That seems sexist and shallow. If Lindsay were sober enough to speak, I’m sure she’d ask just to be judged on her work. And when you asked her what that was, she’d pretend not to hear you as she raced toward the water with her right tit bouncing up and down atop her rib cage like a tethered paddle ball.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 8:12 AM
“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”
In case you don’t speak nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:
“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”
Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 7:47 AM
Ali Wentworth thinks society needs more dialogue regarding post menopausal sex. Especially over dinner. Being an aging female comedienne is tough. You’ve done all the vibrator jokes you have in you, and few taboo topics are left since Sarah Silverman started opening her act with in depth vivisection of her asshole. Wentworth has found a topic that is off the board for a vide variety of reasons:
“It’s fine to have girls in roller skates talking about tampons, but god forbid we have a dry vagina — mine’s not dry, just for the cute camera men out there.”
If you are going for a flirty vibe you may not want to use the words ‘dry’ and ‘vagina’ in the same sentence, or same year. Wentworth is either parlaying her middle aged woman observations into an HBO special celebrating pant suits and pool aerobics, or positioning herself to be the Hollywood feminist who introduces Hillary Clinton at the 2016 Democratic convention. There really are certain things you should only discuss with your doctor, in fact you may want to run your new bits by your OB/GYN first. Sometimes another perspective works wonders.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 7:21 AM
Aspiring actress and moderately annoying youtube personality, Anna Akana, made a video insulting dudes who only go for Asian chicks. Akana insists that white guys who exclusively date Asian women are submissive school girl fetish seeking perverts with Yellow Fever. According to Akana, she experiences the phenomenon constantly, annoyed when ‘racist assholes’ hit on her solely because she is young, hot, and especially Asian. She makes a big public deal about being racially offended then blows the guy with the most producing credits. Asian chicks are pragmatic like that.
DeNiro likes the dark meat and Leo Dicaprio will only bang models from countries where the basketball lane is a hexagram, so why criticize the coffee house hipsters and Aspy white programmers of the world for flocking towards Asians chicks? The flaw in Akana’s viewpoint is she groups all Asian women together. The same guy with a boner for community college Chinese chicks with dip-dyed hair isn’t the same guy cruising the bio-tech labs for Pinays with coke-bottle glasses. I like short girls. I wouldn’t say I have midget fever, though I’d be willing to contract it if I could bone lots of teeny tiny women with squeaky voices like Care Bears. I guess Anna wishes she were a young Latina or black chick with perfect tits so she could walk through construction sites completely unmolested. Life is super rough for all good looking women. We know. Now do some cartwheels so we can see your white cotton panties.
By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Magic Johnson’s obnoxiously affected son EJ is joining the cast of Rich Kids of Beverly Hills Season 2. The lifeless caricature of affluence will be consistently blurting out nonsensical cliches about fashion and yachts alongside some other annoying cunts. Its almost as if his parents compensated for a chaotic home life by showering him with useless shit from an early age. The human nature vs. nurture exhibit will be paid scale for doing his impression of offensive early 80′s gay movie characters, dropping gems like:
“Whether it is Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, honey, yachting is always cute.”
Johnson apparently does have ambition beyond flaunting his overpriced garbage in the manner dumb little kids will bring out their toys to show you. He aspires to be a fashion designer, which will work out well for his father when he needs to dump some long term cap gains to finance his kid’s cocaine year in Paris. I plan to watch the show so I will be familiar enough with the cast to be called in by the County Coroner to make a positive ID when their overdose time comes. Also, that moment when all the other gay people call Johnson a fucking annoying queer I want on my DVR.
Photo Credit: Instagram