By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 10:21 AM
The difference between the loons and the drunks is always revealed at court dates. The loons still look fucking crazy heading into court. The lushes clean up nice for the judge. Shia LaBeouf looked pretty damn dapper as he faced the court to explain why he was harassing the homeless and disrupting an off-Broadway run of Cabaret last month. I’m sure he said something like, I was super fucking drunk, now I’m getting help, it’ll never happen again. The judge knows there’s a 98% likelihood that the help won’t hold, but we don’t white people with legal teams to prison, so expect 100 hours of Shia teaching school children how drinking doesn’t make you less of an asshole.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 9:36 AM
Charisma Carpenter might have just turned forty-four, but her tits say otherwise. If they went to school, they’d be in Suri’s class. Just kidding, Suri doesn’t go to school. She needs her mind empty for the Awakening.
Charisma decided to do a big fuck you to Zuckerberg, Facebook, Instagram and their policies of choosing to censor their social media properties on one singular principle: titties are dangerous. If Instagram were my buddy, I’d punch him for being so gay. If Instagram was my gay buddy, I’d be thankful I finally had somebody to watch Dancing with the Stars with and not be ridiculed. The bigger point, Charisma Carpenter has a slamming body for forty- four. There’s nothing wrong with adding science to the equation. It only brings us closer to heaven.
Photo Credit: Charisma Carpenter/Instagram, Twitter
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
Selena Gomez just completed the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct clips in her lesbian training workshop. She went peekaboo with tautly pulled back hair as she and her lesbian mentor took time away from lapping up milk off each other’s hindquarters to visit the Leonard Dicaprio Foundation Gala in St. Tropez. Leo’s charity is set up to “protect Earth’s last wild places and implementing solutions that create a harmonious relationship between humanity and the natural world”. Which I guess implies humans aren’t part of the natural world, or at least not as much as elephants and otters. Either way, it’s nice to see DiCaprio is doing something with his time other than boning models. Though I wouldn’t say that if it was me in his place.
Selena has spent the past several days now on a self-imposed Sapphic quest in the hull of a billionaire’s yacht steaming back and forth across the Riviera as Cara Delevingne and her team of clitoral assassins gay program Selena. It’s like those Christian camps, except the exact opposite. And Kir Royales instead of apple juice. When Selena has completed her work below deck, she’ll return to the U.S. in the guise of a straight celebrity, but she’ll be the lezzy Manchurian Candidate. Ellen Degeneres will run her domestically as she works her way up the Hollywood food chain until such time as she’s fully gay activated. Probably a Grammy’s speech or maybe making out with a chick at the How to Train Your Dragon 5 premiere. The Cold War Russians have nothing on the sinister gamesmanship of the Hollywood lesbian agenda. Hide your children.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Matt July 24, 2014 @ 7:28 AM
A music manager in British X-Factor Judge Tulisa Contostavlos’ drug trial was heard on an audiotape played in court saying that Simon Cowell was gay. It had nothing at all to do with the drug trial, but the judge allowed it to be heard so the media could freak the fuck out. The music manager quickly came out and admitted he was lying on the audiotape to impress his cohort, but that has not stopped people from speculating on Cowell’s sexuality since it’s very difficult to distinguish if British men are gay or merely British. In America straight guys spill barbecue sauce on their football jerseys and bitch about not getting blown. In England, straight guys dress snappy and talk about art and culture and then blow each other.
Since Cowell’s main project over the past twelve months was fucking around with his married friend’s wife then knocking her up and taking her away from him, he’s either gloriously heterosexual or the cruelest gay dude ever. I know, I can’t make up my mind yet either.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt July 24, 2014 @ 6:59 AM
Boston radio host Kirk Minihane offered an apology to Erin Andrews for calling her a stupid gutless bitch after the MLB All Star Game. The apology quickly devolved into more ranting about Andrews :
“I used a word to reference Erin Andrews that I shouldn’t have used to reference Erin Andrews… I think FOX only hired her because she’s good-looking. I think if she weighed 15 pounds more she’d be a waitress at Perkins.”
Suggesting FOX hires under qualified hot chicks to appear on camera is a simplification. They have to be able to complete a few sentences first and be familiar with TV production basics like not saying the word ‘cut’ when it appears on a teleprompter. Suggesting Andrews would work at Perkins if she were 15 pounds heavier is also offensive. She would need to gain at least 60 pounds for Perkins to consider her. Minihane could gain 200 pounds and continue his fickle tirade from his swivel chair without incident. His major beef with Andrews is she gets special treatment for being good looking, but is not unbelievably hot to where she has no business appearing on a job site. I’m all for equality, but I also prefer watching Erin Andrews report from the sideline over angry balding townies like Minihane. Having tits qualifies you for all kinds of shit. The day some dude drills a hole in a hotel room wall to spy on Minihane naked, we can re-open this discussion.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt July 24, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Pinterest hired the guy responsible for the Axe Body Spray ads to be their new head of marketing. David Rubin transformed Axe from a product high school stoners were super certain covered their weed stank to a global brand praised by acclaimed date rapists the world over. Pinterest is used overwhelmingly by women and the company is seeking more male users. After making asthma inducing Chinese knockoff cologne appeal to urbane metrosexuals, making a scrapbooking themed website appeal to people with testicles should be cake.
The ironic thing is the Axe ads were reviled as misogynistic by many women because they portrayed women as sex objects. This offended the chicks dudes don’t see as sex objects. For all your eyebrow piercing protestations otherwise, you don’t want to be a woman in that category. Pinterest will soon be inundated with elaborate pussy and ass collages, which may turn off the middle aged housewives currently using Pinterest to look at easy to prepare appetizers porn. Maybe there is a happy medium where chicks can be photographed shoving homemade kitschy Christmas ornaments into their orifices. Pinterest will soon either be the most popular site on the internet, or completely erased from recorded history within the next month.
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 2:46 PM
Back in early May, celebrities scrambled to emote support for the Nigerian school girls kidnapped by militant Islamic community organizers. Just look at Ellen’s eyes. Those are the same eyes she gives to Portia when panties not her size fall out of Ellen’s pant suit pockets during laundry Thursdays. That’s real remorse.
Coming out against kidnapping and child rape and slave trafficking was a bold stance for many in Hollywood to make, but damn if they didn’t go in whole hog without fear of consequence. But all the celebrity hashtagging in the world it seems couldn’t bring back the girls. Then time passed. Like hours and even days and everybody who had invested a couple minutes of their time to save the girls lost hope or had nail appointments. Plus there was Cannes. It was just really bad timing for the girls in terms of their kidnapping.
Congresswoman Frederica Wilson is now Tweeting the shit out of every celebrity who demanded something be done back in May then sort of stopped. Which would be everybody. Except for Sean Penn who air-dropped himself into the Nigerian hinterlands with nothing but a week’s worth of Ramen and some HGH suppositories. I think you call this shaming. Fuck, I have to compliment somebody from Congress. It’s worth it. You don’t have to care, but if you’re going to act like you do, then don’t be surprised if somebody like Fredrica calls you on your shit.
Photo credit: The Ellen Show/Twitter
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 2:13 PM
Last time we checked in with Naya Rivera, she was denying she had new tits and her fiance Big Sean was bolting because she was trying to install GPS ankle monitoring devices on his rapper cock. I think that’s a compliment in disguise. She had a wedding date of July 19th but nobody to marry, so she hooked up with a struggling actor named Ryan Dorsey she met several years back in Hollywood and married him on the 19th instead. Non-refundable caterer deposits. You’ve got to marry somebody
Dorsey told Cosmo that he loves when women wear “leggings or tights,” and prefers the “Brazilian” grooming style down below. — Ryan Dorsey, deep thoughts
Ryan seems like a winner. He also claims he doesn’t snore and he’s got some sweet abs. I’ve known plenty of people who’ve gotten married with less compelling circumstances. Naya, you keep your bush shaved and your ass in those Lululemons and you could easily make it a solid couple of years.
Photo Credit: Galore