Vita Sidorkina Wears Bikinis For Victoria’s Secret

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 1:13 PM

Vita Sidorkina Wears Bikinis For Victorias Secret
Victoria’s Secret went deep into their Ural Mountain finder’s fees for this young Russian model. She’s somewhere in the median age range between barely legal and assistant managers in their Myanmar educational sewing camps. Just knowing Victoria’s Secret might be restocking her panties after use is kind of hot in an epidemiological way. Russian women never carry cooties so I’d slide them right on without washing. Worst case scenario, you blister and your UTI produces something close to a potable vodka.

Photo Credit: Victorias Secret

Bella Thorne Picks Up Shifts At Sprinkles

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Bella Thorne Picks Up Shifts At Sprinkles Cupcakes At The Grove
It’s unclear why Bella Thorne was working the swing shit at the cupcake place at The Grove. It’s possible she breached every single one of her performance contracts when tests came back showing she was thirty-seven and a mother of four from Orlando. You could do far worse than cupcake duty after you’ve fucked over Disney. They once hired a guy in a Goofy costume to euthanize the entire family line of claimants to Winnie the Pooh IP. They don’t skimp on cleaners.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jennifer Lopez Tits Also Were Pretty Perfect

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Jennifer Lopez Wears A Plunging Dress At The People Magazine Awards In Beverly Hills
I hope the Wizard at the People Magazine awards had something in his bag for Jennifer. Her tits deserved something after two kids. I don’t care if the wet nurse did all the heavy lifting. Give J-Lo an obelisk or a Hardee’s gift certificate or something. When People Magazine honors you, it means that your public relations agency and their sales staff spent many hours coming to some mutually beneficial arrangement. That’s hard work that deserves a complimentery role of the magical tape wardrobe assistants ues to make those tits look picture perfect at forty-five

Photo Credit: INF/Splash

George Clooney Made a Long Speech About Nothing

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:54 AM

Nobody Cares About George Clooney
George Clooney is one of those guys who makes sure to announce he doesn’t have the right to lecture you on anything, then spends the next thirty minutes heatedly exercising that right. Today, it’s Hollywood backing down to North Korea. Or the parts of Hollywood who aren’t one of his 597 important buddies. So I think he’s mostly blaming a janitor at Warner Bros.

What we don’t need happening in any of our industries is censorship. The FBI guys said this could have happened to our government. That’s how good these guys were. It’s a serious moment in time that needs to be addressed seriously, as opposed to frivolously. That’s what is most important here.

Clooney’s rage seems mostly aimed at the media for covering his friend Amy Pascal’s racist joke emails and not the fact that North Korean just cyber-attacked a U.S. company which has only been going on daily with Russia, China, Iran, and Muslim state-sponsored terrorist groups for the past ten years now. It is possible nobody in Hollywood noticed because they have great home theater speakers. Clooney could’ve blamed Obama, but he golfs with him, or the major network news outlets, but they all come to his fundraisers, as do the studio chiefs, major agencies, production houses, and everybody else important in media who he couldn’t really blame either. So, again, fuck you janitor at Warner Bros. for not letting us see The Interview on Christmas Day.

Photo Credit AKM-GSI

Kate Upton Is the Sexiest

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:15 AM

Kate Upton Named Sexiest Woman Alive For People Magazine
In between their pages filled with unchallenged pedophile confessions and Obama family racial injustices, People magazine had time to name Kate Upton the sexiest woman alive. Probably an awkward moment for Kate Upton who has asked that she not be treated like a sex object, just a woman who makes a living off her tits and flirty smile. To reinforce her point, Kate had Justin Verlander create the message ‘I am a real person’ on her shoulder in spunk.

Asking a magazine for women with IQs hovering around the current price of a barrel of crude to select the sexiest woman alive is a dicy proposition. Somehow they managed better than Maxim.

Photo Credit: Getty/The Man Magazine

Gwyneth Paltrow Introduces Her Readers to Great Sex

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Her Goop Readers In An Intro To Tantra
Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the perfect woman to be instructing other women on the glory of sexual exploration. I wouldn’t read to much into her henpecking Gay Beethoven until he fled in the middle of the night with his travel piano. She could’ve been legs akimbo in the sex swing every afternoon and all he was inspired to do was write a song about a medical book he read as a child. Gwyneth isn’t going to let that happen to her high-end frigid Goop clients. She launched a special feature digging into the world of Tantra, which is the Indian word for long, slow, creepy sex between dudes with ponytails and women who talk a lot about sensual aromas but mostly smell like liverwurst.

I read the article twice and gleaned the fact that married couples get bored with each other very quickly and the sex suffers. This can be cured if the husband orders his wife to get loaded on wine when she gets home, take a bath, and then drowns in the tub and he finds himself a hot young second wife replacement. Also by staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Unless you’re charging money over a live stream, I’ve never seen the need for sex to last longer than a commercial break, maybe a half-time break if it’s her birthday. If women want amazingly grateful and hard working lovers, they should follow the lead of our nation’s high school English teachers and start fucking high school boys who will go down on them for an hour in exchange for buying up beer. You won’t read that advice on Goop, it’s too useful.

Photo Credit: Getty/”Thank You For Sharing” Lionsgate

Joanna Krupa Has It Good

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Joanna Krupa Wears A Tight, Short Sweater Dress While Dining In Beverly Hills
I bet this former working woman never gets mistaken for a valet when she leaves restaurants. That’s an Obama burden she will never know. Hot blond women will never have to bite on a coin after being mistaken for a shoe shine or asked if they’re holding large quantities of crack cocaine by a dude on his way to a VH-1 after party. Being groped and molested since six probably sucked, but having the dad from 7th Heaven put your hand on his junk is nothing compared to being mistaken for a waiter at a black tie fundraiser.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Reese Witherspoon Topless Acting As Craft

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 9:16 AM

Reese Witherspoon Nude Scenes From Wild
I’m going to guess this scene is about two seconds of the move Wild. It’s about a woman who overcomes personal tragedy by showing off her tits and sucking some dude’s finger. I’m mostly gleaning that from the photos. I actually think it’s about a woman who overcomes personal loss by going on a really long and dangerous hike. Many people find that dangerous outdoor activities help them recover from trauma in their life. Though mostly in the movies. In real life it pales by sheer numbers to people who take up drinking and casual sex and hating the world. If I was posting a profile, I’d probably mention the hiking over the drinking and destructive behavior if you want any chance of adding that casual sex element.

Photo Credit: Fox Searchlight