By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 12:31 PM
You’re not gay because you want to have sex with Holly Holm. You’re gay because you want her to peg you with her six inch clit while instructing you on how to help her fake her pee test. She’s ordering Muscle Milk on your Amazon account and already took your spot in the weekly poker game. Holly Holm doesn’t cry when she comes up empty on a flush draw. Your buddies like her better. Learn how to tie a proper sheepshank. The champ can’t risk injury to her fists tying you up.
Photo Credit: “Late Night With Seth Meyers”
By Jack November 25, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
One day, young models with perfect tits will be allowed to openly date men who like beer and action movies. That day is not today.
Gigi Hadid cavorting and or bearding with One Direction’s Zayn Malik. (TMZ)
Taylor Marie Hill looks mighty fine in a bikini. (Last Men On Earth)
Natasha Olenski and her tits deliver the news. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Jennifer Lopez looks hot in that red body stocking even though she’s like 70. (Drunken Stepfather)
I’ve never met a girl sports fan that looks like this. (The Chive)
Hailey Bladwin’s legs would look great wrapped around me. (Popoholic)
Sarah Jean Underboob brings the underboob. (The Superficial)
By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 11:08 AM
Social media has created a bevy of girls contemporarily famous for sharing photos of themselves mostly naked. If you’re reading that as a criticism, you’re reading it wrong. Pamela Anderson had to win the tiny chick with implants lottery to punch her ticket to a Malibu mansion. There were a hundred chicks behind her whose names you’ll never know. The playing field is now completely even. You’re on a basic cable show that gets two million viewers? Fantastic. I’ve never even had a call back from casting and I’ve got six million followers on Instagram. An e-cigarette company is paying me more to smoke in photos than your SAG Tier 3 residuals. What star you were born under and who you’re willing to fuck that’s important no longer matters. This is the democratic liberation of the masses with big tits. Athens is weeping.
Photo Credit: Zoo Magazine
By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 9:37 AM
Terry Richardson and Miley Cyrus locked in a photo studio with nobody to say the word ‘gross’. Suck on this. Squat on that. Pretend you’re relocating a Syrian refugee into your twat. Why is Akram weeping? Two more hours until my mom picks me up. I think your cock just fixed my overbite.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson
By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
You either get the arm pit rolls or the underwear flash. Both is just spoiled. I’m sorry you moved to Hollywood on a phone call and a promise from Ellen. You’re not the first woman. You won’t be the last. Let your big breasts and remarkably good British teeth provide you hope. Update your dating profile. Hiking is just another word for too fat to jog.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex November 25, 2015 @ 7:43 AM
Feminist groups are sweating like vegan marmalade since a Bernie Sanders stream of consciousness essay implying that women dig rape fantasy went viral. Sanders was just a kid at the time, or thirty-one if you’re counting for real. The embarrassing erotica lit was found in a dumpster and handed over to liberal bloggers by nobody knows who. Though if you bet the house on Hillary Clinton, you get to keep the house. She’s very thorough.
A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees, a woman tied up, a woman abused. A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.
You punch that up in a few places and you’ve got a decent letter to Penthouse. Or early manifesto lingo for the Vassar Underground. Feminists consider Bernie Sanders one of the few male heroes in Congress. He votes in complete alignment with their political agenda and can barely maintain a threatening erection. But anything rape culture is the bread and butter of feminist triggers. Expect an internal debate in feminist corridors. Ultimately, each woman, and George Clooney, will be asked to decide for themselves how to feel about Bernie Sanders sexual assault sex prose. Free will will be followed immediately by a central edict on precisely how to think. This is no time for democracy. Lena Dunham just clocked past 200 lb. and she’s the happy one. Code pink!
By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 12:23 PM
That rapscallion who got detained at a Texas high school for being the only dark skinned Muslim kid who happened to be bringing a homemade clock to school that day is now suing the school district. He wants his dignity back. Also, his C4. Gonna need that for prank jihad day.
Ahmed Mohamed didn’t really make the clock so much as fashion an old alarm clock into something in a metal case that would today cause evacuation of half of Paris if found on a bench near the Champs-Élysées. Times being as they are, every single politically correct U.S. elected official declared the troublemaking scamp a victim of Islamophobia. Right on up to President Obama who invited Mohamed to the White House to fuck his wife so she could see what a non-closeted Muslim cock felt like in the sack. That seems wrong. He’s only fourteen. I’m pretty sure it happened.
Mohamed and his family took off for Qatar shortly thereafter but left behind a team of attorneys to sue for fifteen large. Should we make the check out to you or just to cash. What’s easier for ISIS?
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack November 24, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
The new fashion trend for women is jackets with no bras. It’s one step away from being a worthwhile trend. Jackets are a thing of the past century, before global warming and wicked strong antibiotics.
Renee Olstead’s cleavage is a sight to behold. (Last Men On Earth)
Greek hottie Adele Exarchopoulos lounges topless in a bath. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Is Justin Bieber pretending he likes girls with his old beard Selena Gomez? (TMZ)
Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini is a beautiful thing. (Drunken Stepfather)
These nerd girls are begging for my sonic screwdriver. (The Chive)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley also brought the cleavage. (Popoholic)
In other news, Kevin Federline is still alive. (Dlisted)