Justin Bieber Seems To Be Under Investigation an Awful Lot

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 6:12 AM


Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted robbery because he tried to grab a chick’s cell phone. The Shrinky Dink gangster was apparently at Dave and Buster’s with Selena Gomez on a step stool whispering in her ear about how he owned her vagina. Some girl started recording the couple so Bieber tried to snatch her phone, but failed because he has the muscle mass of a six year old. He never laid hands on the girl or managed to get the phone so it seems like a completely pointless investigation. It’s possible the chick is just looking for attention, or that she’s mildly retarded since she’s fascinated with Justin Bieber. If we lived in a more civilized society, we’d strap some razor blade covered gloves on Bieber and the girl, lock them in a chain link cage, and let the Fates decide who walks out and who is carried out. Is there anybody who wouldn’t watch that? I’d actually buy the DVD.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Suge Knight Ain’t Talking

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 2:41 PM

According to unreliable TMZ reports that actually make sense, Suge Knight told authorities he didn’t see anything or anyone related to being shot between two and six times at Chris Brown’s fun times pre-VMA’s party. Suge Knight is old school. He’s no snitch. When he tells the police he didn’t see shit, that means he knows exactly who tried to off him. As if mere bullets could ever stop Suge Knight. He’s half Lycan, half chili-cheese fries. I wouldn’t normally promote vigilante justice, but Suge Knight is a pretty experienced vigilante. This won’t be his first kill. Maybe a few bystanders will get clipped too, but that’s not much different than police collateral damage these days. An eye for an eye and a bullet for a bullet. When fat Suge Knight rises, you are already dead.

Photo credit: Splash News

Natalia Proza In A Swimsuit For 138 Water

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Natalia Proza In A Swimsuit For A 138 Water Photo Shoot In Malibu
The devious intergalactic ass inspecting colonizers from this phony 138 Water campaign are back and they’ve got Russian whores with them. There’s no known defense to Russian women born on the steppe and trained in the ancient brothels along the Irtysh river. We almost lost the cold war to the unchecked power of those ambitious whores. Now they’re being targeted on us by these demonic soul possessors from beyond the stars. Someday, you will recognize this bogus water marketing scheme for the human race ending cataclysm that it is. But you’ll probably have a Caucus mountains girls lips wrapped around your jimmy so you’ll simply not care. That’s how Earth goes dark.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Sofia Vergara’s Tits Deserve Better And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 26, 2014 @ 12:17 PM


The Internet got its collective panties in a bunch after last night’s Emmys because of an unfunny bit with Sofia Vergara. The Television Academy President literally put her on a spinning pedestal to show their commitment to always giving viewers something interesting to look at. Feminists got pissed because of how the showcase degraded Vergara as a woman. Vergara, who earned over $30 million last year for having nice tits and an exotic accent, had no comment.

Read about all about the made up hoopla. (Dlisted)

Selena Gomez shakes her cleavage on Instagram and it is oddly hypnotic. (Popoholic)

The bad guy from the bad Star Wars movies may return. (COED)

J-Lo and Iggy Azalea show off their asses to sell records. (Huffington Post)

Lindsay Lohan’s new boyfriend lets her watch his kids. He must not love them. (The Superficial)

Natalia Proza dribbling water on herself in a swimsuit? Yes, please! (Hollywood Tuna)

Man, I’m fucking sick of this ice bucket bullshit…wait…Playboy Playmates dumping cold water on themselves? (Busted Coverage)

(Photo Via Slate)

Matt Damon Pours Toilet Water On His Head (VIDEO)

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Week three of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has devolved into celebrity video selfies and people using the ALS Challenge for entirely different political purposes. Orlando Jones poured bullets on his head in some rather awkwardly phrased rant about police violence in Ferguson. Carla Gugino and Malin Akerman made out and giggled. I think Lou Gehrig would have appreciated that. Now Matt Damon is pouring toilet water over his head to showcase the plight of unclean drinking water in super crappy places around the globe.

In his video Damon says he’d feel bad wasting perfectly good tap water. So he filled his toilet up with perfectly good tap water then poured it into a bucket of ice made from perfectly good tap water and poured it over his head. He noted that toilet water in the U.S is cleaner than drinking water in many parts of the world.  He failed to mention that blood tainted with The AIDS virus mixed with used Skid Row needles is cleaner than drinking water in many parts of the world. But I see his point. I’m inviting some of those Central American immigrant kids housed nearby over to my house to drink out of my toilet. We need to baby step them back to bacteria free water or else they might be traumatized.

Damon begrudgingly offers up that fighting ALS is also a good thing. By which he means, hardly anybody knows somebody with the relatively rare ALS disease, but everybody knows somebody with dysentery in Chad. Damon concludes his Ice Bucket Challenge by nominating George Clooney, Bono, and Tom Brady, just in case you weren’t sure if this video made you hate him or not.

Paula Patton’s Nipples Seem Happy To Be Single

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 11:08 AM

Paula Patton In A See Through Dress Leaving Craig's In West Hollywood
I don’t know Robin Thicke but he sure seems like a pain in the ass. The first guy to get raped in prison and the first to complain about it too. Boo fucking hoo. You were born pretty, now you’re being passed around for cigarettes. The way he folded after being caught pounding Jasmine, the family female masseuse, was an emasculating blow felt across all mankind. Either fuck the staff or don’t fuck the staff, just don’t cry about it afterward. God did not give you a dick to wipe away your tears. Paula Patton is the winner in this entire fiasco. She no longer has to answer to Robin Thicke asking repeatedly if his silk vest looks good on him. Also, she has one slamming body and nipples any man would pretend to be faithful to until he too fucked the hot masseuse. That’s just going to happen.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

50 Cent’s Literacy Challenge

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 10:44 AM


This is why I wouldn’t step up and Kickstart Geordie’s Reading Rainbow. A little knowledge is not a good thing. 5o Cent claims he’s worried about Floyd Mayweather’s illiteracy. Illiteracy is a nationwide epidemic that affects upwards of one-hundred percent of people who can’t read. Or forty-five percent of the Los Angeles school district, though in a 1985 statement, they say they’re working hard on it. It was forty-seven percent by last count, so maybe not working super hard. 50 Cent decided the best way to bring light to his former friend’s plight was to challenge Mayweather to read a page of a Harry Potter book aloud without sounding out the words. For this feat, 50 Cent would donate $750,000 to Mayweather’s charity of choice. 50 Cent knows Mayweather can’t read so this was more of a taunt than a challenge. Also, what kind of grown man wants to read Harry Potter?

Mayweather’s no dummy. Figuratively speaking. Literally, obviously, he is a dummy. He fired back with his pictures of his last two paychecks from his promoter totaling $72 million. And a simple message, ‘read this’. I suppose it was meant to say, read this, you Chelsea Handler Fucking Dumbledore Rapping Clown Piece of Shit. If only Mayweather could spell, he could really express his feelings.

Mayweather’s point is well taken. You don’t need to know how to read if you can make $72 million in a single year as a professional boxer. Or even a Super Bowl winning quarterback or a rapper who bangs babies into Kim Kardashian. If this is  your plan, I’d quit school right now and get to it. There are only about 20 spots open nationwide and they’re probably filling up fast. P.S. Voldemort dies.


Photo credit: Splash News / Floyd Mayweather Twitter

Keira Knightley Seems Smallish

By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

Keira Knightley Poses Topless In The 2014 September Issue Of Interview Magazine
I’m not sure what to make of Keira Knightley’s tiny boyish chest. I think I’m supposed to reflect profoundly upon the outdated manner in which men still worship ancient archetypal images of the opposite gender. But I’m mostly just reminded of my middle school gym locker room experience. I think it’s great for Keira that she has refused to artificially augment her chest. Though I hope she can see now how it sucks for the rest of us.

Photo Credit: Interview Magazine