By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:26 AM
Antonio Banderas smiles these days very much like a man who ditched his old lady for a girl whose nipples still point ceiling-ward when she steps out of the shower. That’s not a metaphor so much as actually what happened. The celebrity magazines keep mentioning how Antonio looks in love, how this is some super smart Dutch banker he’s dating, and how they seem to be naturally aligned soul mates. But if we’re being honest we can just talk about the sheer dick joy of banging a chick half your age. Out with the old, in with the new. When did that start being a bad thing?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
This French model is like 8’2″ so naturally they had her climb the rocks in Miami like she was the world’s tallest Cuban defector, which she would’ve had at 5’7″, but why not go big when you’re paying for talent. With normalized relations with Cuba, we’ve probably seen the last of eighteen Communism success stories packed in a modified ’58 Oldsmobile rafts floating on the trade winds for South Florida. At least Sean Penn won’t have to pretend those half-dead immigrants are coming to American to sing the praises of the Cuban universal healthcare system. That was always awkward. Not quite as awkward as a giant flashing her diaper on the beach in Miami, but very very close.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 8:15 AM
Lea Michele posts an awful lot of photos of herself doing yoga. Michele sees the ancient eastern practice as a way to clear one’s head and achieve inner enlightenment. At which point you definitely need to show everyone in the world how great your abs look. Your spiritual quest is usually complete at the very point you’re most fuckable. It’s because spirituality is all relative. If everyone felt great all the time we’d just start nitpicking more. Hey bitch, my chakras are in line and your roots are showing. It’s the chicks who need to lose five pounds who may never find themselves spiritually. Because they’re kind of pissed about chicks like yourself.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
A greasy eyed Stephen Collins pulled out Jesus, tears, and the friendly grandpa for his attempted rehabilitation interview with Katie Couric. As a capper, Collins mentioned how an older woman he knew well exposed herself to him repeatedly between the ages of ten and fifteen. He offered this as a partial motivation for him flashing his dick to young girls, even though it’s way different. First of all, one’s a dick and your name is Stephen:
“I did have someone in my life when I was between the ages of about 10 and 15, an older woman, who repeatedly exposed herself to me. And I think that distorted my perception in such a way that some part of me thought … I got the equation of, ‘Well, this isn’t so terrible. This person who I trust is doing it.’”
Pretty sure the prepubescents you tried to fuck with didn’t high five their buddies or jerk off to the experience until their first mortgage. If you’re fifteen and any chick of reproductive age is showing you her junk you thank God and move on.
This is one of those double standards we can all agree on. On top of being a fucking pedo creep you may have thrown this charitable woman under the bus. Leave her out of it. There are ninth graders walking around in cheap husky jeans right now with raging hard ons who don’t have a chance. Last thing they need is the batty neighbor lady with the good pot making CNN’s news cycle. Good work, Stephen Collins, you just raped the rest of us.
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
The miserably failed rapper known as SB Stunts better known as Safree Samuels better known as Nicki Minaj’s ex has been telling his friends he is suicidal over their break up. This is according to TMZ who that shitty friend of yours probably works for. At least he’d drop a dime on you for free Subway for life. Samuels and Minaj had been in a relationship for 12 years, meaning there’s a decent chance she was hot and still looked like human person when they met. Those who pursue a career in rap live by a different standard than your neighbors with the nice lattice. One doesn’t support the other financially working a catering gig while the other is out sucking record producer’s dicks in the bathroom at the same party. Or maybe that’s what happened.
It’s difficult to know if Samuels is suicidal over breaking up with Minaj or if he just saw her as a last vestige to garnering a record contract. She clearly has a lot of power in the recording business. At least until she’s obsolete next spring or when a cock is implanted in her mouth. This is the sweet spot where she figured she’d cash in since you never will. Keep your head up, Samuels. I guarantee your rebound sex will be better than Minaj constantly bitching about you damaging her framework of implants. On the rap thing you’re probably fucked.
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Madonna had a bunch of unreleased tracks hacked which came as a shock to everybody who assumed she stopped making music in 1995. Madonna described the hack as an “act of terrorism.” This came on the same day 132 children were killed in Pakistan, marking a true tragedy in that they only got to hear the un-mixed versions of the shit they play in the bathrooms at gay bars before their gooses were splattered. Now she’s apologized, although she wants you to know she’s still really uncomfortable. She explained how the Internet is a Series of Tubes which has left her vulnerable to the hackers who spy through her bathtub drain. Unclear whether they can see anything worse than you cornholing a dude with a strap-on, which you’ve published in a book because you’re so edgy. My guess is it’s far more boring. In fact, given nobody cares, I’ll confirm it.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Margaret Cho’s bisexual open marriage has shockingly come to an end. Cho and her hipster artist husband had a house big enough they could routinely bring home other lovers without disturbing the other. That’s what she says but we all know there was a lot of listening through the vents and crying. Then the guy has to wipe his tears and hire some escorts the next night, say they’re fans and pay them to scream “Harder” while he knits an ironic dickey. Cho articulated the arrangement artfully:
“I’m all about commitment. And I’m all about marriage. And I’m all about family. And I’m queer also.”
What chick wouldn’t like her gash licked by a young Kate Bosworth or some random bar wench. Or pounded into hamburger by the roofer next door. It’s just something you just agree not to do when you get married. Unless its a chick, in which case if he refuses to participate he’s gay. Keep it under wraps like your husband’s sexuality and everyone’s happy. Except the hotel maid.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 1:13 PM
Victoria’s Secret went deep into their Ural Mountain finder’s fees for this young Russian model. She’s somewhere in the median age range between barely legal and assistant managers in their Myanmar educational sewing camps. Just knowing Victoria’s Secret might be restocking her panties after use is kind of hot in an epidemiological way. Russian women never carry cooties so I’d slide them right on without washing. Worst case scenario, you blister and your UTI produces something close to a potable vodka.
Photo Credit: Victorias Secret