By Lex September 20, 2014 @ 9:44 PM
Way to fuck up my Saturday night. But, hell, for a chance to see Hope Solo wizard sleeves that even Gandalf would find overblown, not to mention disgusting, I can put down the absinthe.
Another round of celebrity photos borrowed from the iCloud which runs about as safe as those old Western banks Butch and Sundance used to rob with a smile was dispersed onto the Internet via the Chans and Reddit re-feeds today. I had thought the FBI was going whole hog after these insidious hacker beasts who are revealing the last inch of skin on these celebrities they don’t already show themselves on social media. Still, it’s rude. Let’s all admit it’s wrong too. A bloody flagellation couldn’t hurt either to cleanse our souls of the sin of stolen tits.
Here’s what I saw. Emily Ratajkowski has amazing tits and likes to finger her pink. Lake Bell has equally amazing tits and if one more person calls her butterface I’m going to Ray Rice them in an elevator. Who cares. Vanessa Hudgens is emotionally incapable of learning a lesson about taking naked photographs of herself. Gabrielle Union is over 40 but her tits don’t look a day over 35. Hope Solo could use an hour of the Epilady around the anus. Kaley Cuoco is not as be-all end-all as nerds think. I have no clue who AJ Michalka is, but she could earn a quick million from an Arab emirate who loves to titty fuck. And, finally Kim Kardashian almost certainly leaked her own topless selfies just to be part of the media blitz.
That’s not a bad Saturday night. Certainly better than the Sunday morning whence will come the horrific rants about the end of the world since in 2014 men suddenly started unwanted peeking girls in the shower. If nothing else, Sarah Lawrence gets some new inter-sessions hot seminar topics so this works out well.
Like I wouldn’t give you the fucking links. I’m not your high school girlfriend reveling in your blue balls.
Some on Reddit
More on private Fappening subs
Don’t blame me when they go dark because you were too slow. I’ll update as I can. Which means not soon.
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 1:02 PM
The Booty music video breaks new ground by doing nothing other than showing Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea twerking their oiled down asses while some auto-tuned sound maker repeats the word booty. It’s actually kind of genius. Pretending pop stars can sing has always been a major boner kill. It’s like pretending your CES hooker cares about your new streaming music player. Enjoying these pop stars more simply as ass-fat injected sex objects designed almost entirely for smoking cigarettes seductively and fucking, that’s so much simpler. Booty eliminates any obligation to shake your head to the music, pretend you know any words, or ignore the fact that Jennifer Lopez is tone deaf. It’s just a little ditty about using your big shitter to please your man. I see this is as progress. When Lopez and Azalea complete the Booty trilogy with Spank and Finger Rape, this entire opus will come fully into perspective.
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 12:34 PM
At some point every attractive girl in The Ukraine is asked to stand up against a stack of logs and take a titty picture for the guy who promises to export you to a country where Russian troops aren’t stationed. Considering girls in the West take the same photos just to be popular on Twitter, it’s not such a bad bargain. If you and your teen tits photograph well, your parents are given 200 Ukrainian Hryvnias or ten free plays of tabletop Ms. Pacman at the local tobacco shop, and you’re ticketed for the 3:20 to Berlin. It’s like the opposite of being picked for The Hunger Games. You smile a lot and the entire village comes out to say goodbye and also push the train to get it started.
Photo Credit: For Love & Lemons
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 12:16 PM
With more and more stories out that artificial sweeteners in diet soda are just making fat people die even faster, this Stevia plant sweetener is growing rapidly in popularity. It’s got few calories compared to real sugar and won’t send you into diabetic conniptions like the shit they’ve been putting in Diet Coke since people started pretending 1-calorie sodas could counteract Subway meatball grinders and eight hours in an office chair.
Coca-Cola Life is Coke’s version of Stevia sweetened cola that is making the rounds in foreign countries. They started in South America where up to 500,000 people can die mysteriously without much notice. Between making kids too fat to do wind sprints in gym and the mass distribution of aspartame, Coca-Cola kills more people annually than the influenza virus and helmet-less skateboarding combined. It’s nice to see they’re moving in the direction of using natural plant life, treating it with industrial solvents, kettle cooking it, synthesizing it in laboratories, and adding just a hint of Black Widow venom to finally produce a healthy soda. Green packaging does not lie. This soda’s going to make you a superstar.
Photo Credit: Getty, AKM-GSI
By Jack September 19, 2014 @ 12:02 PM
Love officially got cancer today when it was announced that Mama June, the Hutt that shat out the mini-me turd known as Honey Boo Boo, has split from her husband Sugar Bear. Apparently, he cheated on her. I can’t see why you would wander with that much woman at home. I should say, I can’t see how.
Read about this tragic love story gone bad.(Huffington Post)
Kelly Brook in a bikini is very much a good thing. You’re welcome.(Drunken Stepfather)
Here are some pictures of Sarah Hyland sucking on a lollipop. .(Hollywood Tuna)
The Internet whined enough and they are making a Deadpool movie. It WILL suck, you know.(The Superficial)
Beyonce announced her pregnancy at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower.(Dlisted)
Daniela Lopez Osorio shaking her hot ass on the runway.(Busted Coverage)
Horny moms are sad because Matthew McConaughey won’t be in Magic Mike 2 (Fox News)
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 11:46 AM
A crack habit and wretched curse filled tirades and losing World Series couldn’t keep Ron Washington from his post as the manager of the Texas Ranger. But the allure of other women, fuck, that is a powerful beast. For no apparent reason, Ron Washington held a press conference to tell everybody that after 42 years of marriage, his cock fell to temptation and he was resigning as Rangers manager. I’m not sure why he couldn’t wait a couple weeks to finish the season and just tell everybody he was off to solve Ebola in Africa or spend time with his grandkids or any number of lies that make people remember you fondly. Now he’s the 60-something dude who got busted cheating and cried in his hat on TV while his wife looked on to make sure he kept up his humiliating end of the forgiveness bargain. Ron’s game day decision making remains very much in question.
Photo credit: Twitter/@StevensonFWST
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 10:31 AM
If you carbon dated Courtney Stodden you’d find twenty years of age was not a rock solid estimation of her years on this planet. She looks like she could tell tales from working the rooms at the Sands Hotel during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Courtney is back with her elderly husband who rescued her from the fate of still being a virgin at sixteen. She broke it off with him back in January so she could fuck other older men to see if something more ample popped in her career. Sadly, not everybody was blessed to be the next Mariah Carey or Chelsea Handler. With an apology and a party dress soaked in splooge, Courtney returned to her spouse who took her back with the understanding that it’s highly unlikely he’d ever find a high school sophomore to bang legally again. Pederasty really is a fickle beast.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
This chick seems pretty happy considering she just bound herself to Adam Levine for somewhere between a lifetime and irreconcilable differences early 2016. It’s the discomforting binds of an AT&T mobile contract with the further displeasure of Adam Levine making you sleep in the wet spot. Girls from Africa tend to be whimsical in their decisions. When you live in constant fear of viral outbreak and Oscar Pistorius being your boyfriend, you live for the now. I could see how an insufferable pretty boy pop star fits into that mindset. Once Behati gets a taste for America and realizes she won’t die from mosquito bites, she’ll take the pre-nup payout and start on older, quiet, Arizona real estate magnate husband number two.
Photo Credit: INF