By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Girls without bras shopping for lingerie is a much needed break from watching 99-Cent stores burn to the ground. Angry mobs around the country are outraged at cops, and apparently at the former Vietnamese boat people who worked their asses off to own 99-Cent stores. I don’t know what possesses people to turn to fire in their destructive frenzy. I’ve thrown a punch or two in anger, but never felt the villainy to construct an incendiary device and destroy somebody else’s work. I remember the kid back in middle school who was always leaning toward fire to deal with his pubescent frustration. That kid who had pocketed his dad’s lighter and waved it around behind the gym like he was the actual inventor of fire. We all just assumed he had water on the brain and would be dead before he got a driver’s license. I guess he made it to Ferguson. This was supposed to be about tits.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 12:59 PM
Nobody understands the aroma of rogue love better than Rihanna. It might smell like the back of Chris Brown’s hand or the taste of a Barbados fishing charter boat deck after too many mojitos and Strawberry Cough, but mostly to Rihanna, it smells like:
…that moment when love first hits you with a wild rush that goes through your whole body, A mixture of fresh citrus and succulent peach with juicy berries.
I’ve ever experienced that kind of fruit-filled sensual rush before. Though I’ve come close while erotically perusing a farmer’s market with Emmanuelle in Bangkok. Rogue Love is so complex, it requires yet another paragraph of overwrought description:
The scent is likened to the fluttering of the love-struck heartbeat with layers upon layers of lush, rich florals. The petals are a radiant texture with vibrant colors of honeysuckle, jasmine and orchid splashed with the simply irresistible seduction of coconut”
I’m from the northern climates so I’m going to assume I can substitute the seductive scent of moldy keg lines and Frank’s Hot Sauce for coconuts when tapping the erotic memories in my own hippocampus. I’m not sure who buys this shit at $70 a pop, but I’m guessing it’s the millions and millions of people I like to pretend don’t run this planet because we can’t possibly be that naive.
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 12:07 PM
A woman never looks more serious than when she’s gazing into the distance without any underpants on. The thoughts that swirl deep within her cranium. Did I do right to divorce The Dream? What happens if I tell the world my nipples tingle several minutes before an earthquake? The eyes are the window to the soul. The bare ass, the doorway to getting paid.
Photo Credit: We Are Pop Culture/Twitter
By Jack November 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Hutt gangster Roseanne Barr posted a picture of her mutilated chemical-peeled face and said she had been beaten by Bill Cosby. Not funny. Cosby is a rapist not a woman beater. Also it’s Roseanne, so inherently not funny.
See Roseanne’s fucked up grille, if you dare. (TMZ)
Gigi Hadad is covered topless in Rolling Stone and it’s giving me a Rolling Bone. (Drunken Stepfather)
Nicola McLean has got some ridonkulously huge tits. (Hollywood Tuna)
I would like to slip Keke Lindgard my peepee. (Popoholic)
Kevin Federline says that penis is not his penis. Penis. (Dlisted)
Here’s a video going around of Batman and Vader fighting. Nerds need to get laid, yo. (Moviepilot)
Lady Gaga looks like a fat busted Little Mermaid. (Celebslam)
By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 11:24 AM
If your grandmother posted selfies of her ass on the Internet you’d disown your entire family. If an Associated Press photographer starts documenting her senior citizen husband and herself naked around the house to show the beauty of aging, it’s necessarily a work of significance. With each one of these increasingly gross exhibits comes a motley set of hipster college sophomores assessing it in amazement. They come in pairs. One can’t stop laughing and wants more free wine. The other is pretending to find it moving. One’s a cunt and the other’s either a poser with a beanie or a gay guy in denial. Swap it around and play patty wack. Who gives a shit. The point is they’ll grow out of it. I don’t know what excuse these old fuckers have for getting naked on camera, but if you’re buying into that beauty of aging crap, you haven’t searched Craigslist Casual Encounters lately for 65 and over. Geezers are up to some wacky fetish shit.
Photo Credit: Marnaclarke.com
By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 11:07 AM
Cheryl Hines shared a delightful anecdote about her serially sexual deviant and Quasimoto resembling husband Robert Kennedy VII who just happens to have billions of dollars. Kennedy is surely rehabilitated following his well documented psychotic cheating episodes and definitely not a Patrick Bateman clone with no conscience, as evidenced by Hines’ story:
“When she first met Bobby… don’t ask me why… he put a lizard in his mouth and I heard a lot of screaming going on in the other room and he was chasing my mom around.”
If your friend from college did that he’d be exiled from the neighborhood. Over under Hines never auditions for another part are high. Maybe you married a bad seed for the money. Romanians and people in the Republic of Saudi Arabia do it all the time. There’s no shame. Well maybe a little but eight years from now you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank as you slit your wrists in a Parisian penthouse. Who’s to judge?
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 10:30 AM
When did we become a nation that punishes the entrepreneurial spirit? Outrage ensued over a high school senior in Florida who turned her less bright future chick classmates into working whores via a virtual pimp station on Facebook. To me, this sounds like technology and teen spirit coming together as God and Small Business Association intended:
Using a search warrant, police looked at the Sarasota High School students’ Facebook page and found a business plan with rates such as $50 to $70 for oral sex, $100 for sex with a virgin. The cut for prostitutes was 40 percent.
This aspiring chick pimp also took alcohol in lieu of some cash. Practical girl. Also, a visionary businesswoman and marketeer as you can read in her inspirational Facebook message:
Why pimp out old hoes when I have fresh young hoes I can give up for money. As long as I’m getting paid I’m trafficking all these (expletive deleted).”
I’m guessing the deleted expletive was bitches or cunts. Either way, what a poetic grinder. Don’t think Bill Gates wasn’t cutthroat when he was building Microsoft. Windows Vista has to be considered more offensive than selling the teen classmates you’ve identified with the streetwalker mentality. This is no more than a reverse Risky Business. Florida style, so the students are the whore rather than the johns. I’d hire this chick to run our nation’s economy. Everybody who wants a job gets a job and we pay off our national debt with wadded up cash and forties.
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:54 AM
Remember when Lululemon sent out a recall notice because ladies with enormous haunches were stretching their yoga pants to the point of being profane? Time to loosen the rules on the email spam filter.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI