Taylor Swift didn’t like when her girl buddy Selena Gomez embraced Justin Bieber in a kiss after the Billboard Awards, so she did what any bitchy jealous girlfriend would do. She stuck her tongue out in disgust. Wow, who to root for in a cat fight between Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. There’s the proverbial meteor to root for, but that never seems to materialize. I’d rather see them duke it out. Taylor has the height, weight, strength, and moxie advantage, while Bieber has runaway speed and a strong belief that Jesus walks beside him, well, a few paces back. I’d call it even. I’d love to see it get bloody. Slow internal bleeding where we get to watch waves of sobbing self-realization overcome them as the lifeforce drains from their bodies. But, that’s just the dream. I’d settle for the meteor.
These blurry photos of Tori Spelling’s ass were actually shot from about a few feet away. Her father Aaron spent the vast measure of his T.J. Hooker fortune before he died building a super force field around his daughter to prevent people from gathering clear looks at her. It was truly his last effort to try and make people think she was pretty. I think it worked. Even after pushing out eleven babies in the past couple of years, Tori does look remarkably better. At least I think so. It’s hard to tell. Good job, Aaron. I wish my dad loved me that much.
Photo Credit: Splash
When precisely did people start hating the sun. And, by people, I mean wealthy female celebrities like Gwen Stefani who shrink in fear of the burning orb like some ancient Greek slave girl violated repeatedly by Apollo. I feel like many of these same women at some time hopped on Colin Farrell’s dick without hesitation, or protection. But, oh, no, the fucking life giving nourishment of the sun will be the end of me. Quit embarrassing your kids at the beach with your floppy hats and umbrellas and protective sun gear. The ozone layer is still mostly intact and you’re not quite an albino. Your boys already have to grow up with their buddies wanting to bang you. Don’t pile this solar anxiety on top.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN
Human hard-on James Deen is slamming Farrah Abraham for using a fake pregnancy scare for publicity. A couple of weeks after their “personal video” she was seen buying a pregnancy test and telling anyone who would listen she thought she might be knocked-up. Besides the fact that what they did isn’t how you get pregnant, Deen says he was told by Vivid, (the porn distributors of the film), that she was on the pill. Deen and his cock feel betrayed.
“To say you’re potentially pregnant is not something to joke about. When you knowingly involve another human being and a publicity stunt around that, a child is not something to be taken lightly, It’s not a game anymore and it’s really not cool.”
Deen says that the whole thing disgusts him and a Teen Mom certainly ought to know better. Or, you know, not. Sometimes decency hides in unexpected places like in a guy who gets paid to cum on women’s tits. Kudos to you, big guy (yes, I watched).
If I was a super famous rich celebrity everybody wanted a piece of, I’d hang out with a bodyguard full time too. I’m not sure what that has to do with Wilmer Valderrama who was once on a TV show ten years ago. I think he just likes to swim with large Polynesian men. There’s no shame in that. I used floaties until I was nine. Unless the graphical tattoos on his chest translate into something close to ‘I fuck pretty Latino boys’. Then you might feel a little pinch.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
Maybe she got some tainted airplane food or slept inside a nuclear reactor, but Mindy Kaling of The Office did not look healthy walking through LAX. So don’t be surprised if you start hearing about pockets of zombie-like attacks breaking out around the country and her name gets thrown around as a possible patient zero.
Photo Credit: PCN
At this point I’m pretty much just posting pictures of model Petra Benova because she wrote me a letter saying I was a jerk and how much she hated me. It did get a bit misty as it reminded me of the last birthday card my mom sent me where she bastardized the Hallmark greeting to read, ‘Now You’re Six …and your ruined my fucking life‘. I seem to get a lot of notes like that. But only rarely do they come from girls who look like Petra Benova. If she wasn’t good looking, I’d have to rely on my standard response to angry letters. Getting drunk and crying.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin
You could play a great scary joke on passersby if you could get that mannequin to thrust out an arm. Imagine the horror of a grade schooler as pop star Skeletor grabs them by the neck and a voice box recites ‘I need the blood of children to keep me young’. Fucking eh. I never found haunted houses scary as a kid, but waxen freaky Madonna would’ve made me shit my shorts.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty