Rednecks Not Supporting Tits

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 7:09 AM

 

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Redneck Heaven, a Hooter’s inspired rip off in Texas, has been forced to abandon their popular ABC (Anything But Clothes) Nights where servers would incompetently wait tables in just body paint. The City Council of Lewisville passed a special law to prohibit topless waitresses which proves all politicians are assholes.

Apparently the body paint offended a number of moms who walked into Redneck Heaven thinking it was the Boston Market where they usually pick up the dinner they pretend is homemade for their family. The offended customers wrote letters and the town elders made the titties verboten, removing a certain joy from the world, as well as the half decent tips these waitresses and likely single moms were getting to cover their rent. Bravo, offended people, you have made everyone but yourself miserable. You have won.

Photo Credit: Facebook

Mothers Against Whores Target Kardashians

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

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An online petition is circulating to remove a line of Kardashian Kids clothes from Babies ‘R Us. The items in question include a fake leather mini skirt with attached diaper cover and a fake fur animal print vest. The clothes are designed for children aged 0-24 months meaning you can mold your baby girl into a skank fresh out of the womb. Most mothers find it offensive a chick famous for getting bent over in front of the first HD cam would be influencing their young daughters. Idolizing nasty idiots shouldn’t start until puberty prematurely induced by hormones in our chicken. Of course these mothers could simply not buy this shit and spend the time signing this petition by reading to their kid, but give them credit for that. Better to give the Kardashian crowd some free advertising. Between procreating and feverishly buying shit to throw in a closet these pudgy crusaders have neglected to realize that the worse shit gets, the more these whores reap the benefit. They’re like Wall Street brokers who bought out the stock in Armageddon. They’d say thanks if they were aware of this.

Photo Credit: Toysrus.com

LeBron James Delusional

By Matt October 31, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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LeBron James is utterly mistaken about how important he is and thinks his first game back in Cleveland will be remembered throughout history somewhere between the Immaculate Reception and the fall of the Berlin Wall. That fell, right?

“For me, none of us should take this moment for granted. This is probably one of the biggest sporting events up there ever.”

A regular season NBA game where guys jog back on defense rarely ranks higher than the next one in terms of significance. Especially when losing to a horrendously conceived Knicks team whose most promising asset is an old man in their office who does yoga. To be fair LeBron is kind of biased. He ranks taking a mid game shit last November number 3 on the all time list he keeps on a white board near his locker. His decision to leave Cleveland via Punk’d remains un-erased however since it inspired the largest American mass suicide since Heaven’s Gate.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chelsea Handler Topless Instagram Protests Aren’t At All Self-Serving

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 7:57 PM

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Chelsea Handler struck a blow against double standards on Instagram by posting a photo of herself topless in identical pose to the famous Putin topless horseback riding photo he uses on his Tinder Russia dating profile. She’s begging Instagram to show their sexist bias against topless women and remove the photo.

If instagram takes this down again, you’re saying Vladimir Putin Has more 1st amendment rights than me. Talk to your bosses.

Chelsea Handler is a mediocre comedian, but she’s smart enough to know the First Amendment doesn’t apply to private social media services. Instagram and Facebook can censor whatever the hell they want for whatever reason they want. Just like you have the right to tell the same Britney Spears joke for six years in a row that plays well to a canned laugh track.¬†You don’t have the right to petition the Supreme Court because you want to show off your tits after you had a little lift. Let’s be adults and admit you’re just trying to keep your name in the news while the world quickly forgets your scheduled return on Netflix in 2019. You’re only slightly more self-serving than Putin. Though your new tits aren’t half bad.

Photo credit: Chelsea Handler on Instagram

Chloe Sevigny Topless in a Foreign Magazine

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Chloe Sevigny Topless In Sante dOrazo LOfficiel Hommes France

Chloe Sevigny traveled to France to show off her boobs for a fashion magazine. She’s not allowed to pose topless in the United States due to her confusing chest mole and the fact that when they held a hearing banning her from showing off her tits anymore nobody showed up in opposition. All Sevigny sex filled thought provoking indies must be produced now solely in countries where online dating profiles highlight your chain smoking and disdain for outdoor activities.

Photo Credit: Sante d’Orazo

Ebola Nurses Seem Like Assholes

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

Every health worker coming back from West Africa seems pretty fucking douchey about being the one to decide the Hot Zone rules. Kaci Hickox is that Doctors Without Borders nurse who fat governor Christie threw into an E.T. containment tent the minute she got back from Ebola Central and tested positive for a fever. Hickox spent about two seconds in forced quarantine before she started calling her attorney, CNN, and Dr. Nancy Snyderman to grab her some soup and stop by for a visit. Obama and the medical community cautioned everybody about overreacting to Ebola so that they could insidiously import more Ebola. It’s some kind of Ebola multi-level marketing scheme where they’re all getting rich on.

Christie told Hickox the only way she was getting out of her Saran Wrap prison in Newark was if she got her attitude and her Ebola risk the fuck out of New Jersey completely. So she did. To Maine, where she was asked by the authorities to home quarantine herself for a couple more weeks to ensure she wasn’t infected. Which she did, for about an hour, before taking a bike ride with her friend. Because Ebola nurses are assholes.

What all these humanitarian medical workers know is that Ebola is rather difficult to transmit casually and that even if you do flare up, it’s like a herpes, they have plenty of time to call their dates and come up with a fake excuse for canceling on dinner. What asshole doctors and nurses don’t know is that the rest of us don’t give a shit about their science. We don’t even want you creating a the appearance of Ebola, or the panic and social cost that surrounds it. It’s not irrational to overreact to a virus that makes you shoot diarrhea out of your eye sockets until you die. It is completely selfish not to accept a 21-day quarantine after sticking your hands into Ebola patients in West Africa. Buy some Harry Potter books, get a decent cable package, and shut the fuck up for three weeks. Asshole.

Queen Latifah Hates Dr. Huxtable And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 30, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Queen Latifah cancelled her interview with Bill Cosby after old rape allegations resurfaced in the media recently. It’s not as if any of this information is new. Just maybe he likes to force his pudding pop in some strange.

Destroy your childhood further by reading all about Cosby rape. (TMZ)

Farrah Abraham dresses like Elsa from Frozen to sell her rubber twats. (Huffington Post)

This is Sabrina Ioffreda and her tits are amazeballs. (Drunken Stepfather)

Here is Alessandra Ambrosio’s sideboob. You’re welcome. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nina Agdal in a bikini is the best thing that will happen to you today. (Popoholic)

Cassie Cardelle uses her tits to sell expensive water. (The Superficial)

It turns out that Apple’s Tim Cook likes iCock. (Dlisted)

Anais Zanotti in a Bikini

By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:51 AM

Anais Zanotti Wears A Bikini On The Beach In Miami
Real life movements simply aren’t possible when you know dudes with cameras are snapping you. You can’t pick your nose or scratch your ass or adjust your junk. It’s all about tossing the hair and moving like you want the king to pick you out among all the servant girls for his harem where the fruit is at least fresh after the forcible sodomy. Is it truly possible for a good looking woman in a thong bikini to ever have a candid moment in public? Probably not. I’m going to feel sorry for this chick just as soon as I imagine making a baby with her then changing my name so she can’t find me for child support. If I learned anything from Elm Street it’s that every dream needs an exit plan.

Photo Credit: Splash