Adam Levine and His Wife Who Looks Better in Modeling Photos Seem Lovable

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 12:59 PM

Behati Prinsloo Wears Crop Top Showing Off Toned Abs While Attending A Lakers Game With Husband Adam Levine
There are things I love about Los Angeles. The weather, the Mexican food so authentic the tortillas have tuberculosis baked right in, the fact that girls don’t ask lots of followup questions when you tell them you work in the moving pictures business. Then there’s shit I hate. I could make a list, but a photo of Adam Levine, his Namibian model wife, and court-side Lakers seats about sums it up. It’s that singular moment when all that Al Qaeda ranted crap from caves about Western evils kind of makes sense. Not enough sense to wrap a towel around my head and fly to Damascus to behead journalism majors, but enough that if I stumbled into a Prodigy chat room where jihadis were plotting to kidnap Adam Levine to show the infidels who was boss, I’d probably not report them. Does that make me un-American or the best American ever? History will decide.

Photo Credit: Splash/AKM-GSI

Kim K Is The New Lucy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Walking urinal Kim Kardashian compared her reality show to the iconic I Love Lucy 1950′s sitcom. Not really compared, she claimed her show was better since it had produced more episodes. I want to get my Ricky Ricardo tux on and slap the collagen out of her lips.

Read the latest drivel from this delusional twat. (The Superficial)

Bruce Jenner got his nails did all perty. (TMZ)

I don’t know who Bo Koehler is but I do appreciate her tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sara Malakul Lane is one sexy fucking bunny. (Hollywood Tuna)

Natasha Barnard in lingerie is faptacularly sexy. (Popoholic)

Amanda Bynes is still fucking nuts. (Dlisted)

The WWE Divas wear skimpy Halloween costumes. You’re welcome. (COED)

Colleen Shannon’s Car Broke Down, Or Did It?

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 11:25 AM

Colleen Shannon Wears A Bikini Along The Side Of The Road For 138 Water
The last time Colleen Shannon looked like this she was distracting customs officials in upstate New York so her boyfriend could hop over a creek from Canada into the U.S. with some controlled substances. It’s the Fraulein Helga bent over a low filing cabinet trick. It’s never been topped.

These 138 water people are relentless in their mission. Now working with ex-cons like Colleen Shannon to distract our attention while they spread Ebola and Iggy Azalea music around the world. I’m sure the Free Masons are involved as well, those conspiratorial fuckers. What ultimately comes of this is what always comes of staring hungrily at a woman’s ass bent over the hood of her car. Severely chaffed dick, shattered dreams, and an early death.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Xenia Deli Has a Really Superb Ass

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 10:40 AM

Xenia Deli Poses For New Yorker Lingerie Campaign

Everything I know about super good looking foreign models can be summed up in a charcoal police sketch of me peeking through a window while Leonardo DiCaprio bangs them. That’s not gay, just extremely realistic.

Photo Credit: New Yorker

Sexy Ebola Halloween Costumes Because America Can’t Be Beat

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 10:27 AM

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I’m still not sure why 75 million adults dress up in costume each October. When I was a kid, even the kids barely had costumes. You had ghost (white bed sheet), Dracula (plastic fangs) or hobo (dad’s ratty coat and a prop cigar). When old ladies answered the trick or treat bell, they’d say, oh, look we have an adorable ghost and a vampire and a ghost, another ghost, another vampire, and six vagabonds. How fucking original. Here, have an apple with a razor blade inside. Now Halloween is drunken slutty adult party time. Why not take the world’s hippest new disease and turn it into an opportunity to get banged by a costume cowboy in a coat closet. Now you can, with the Sexy Ebola Containment Suit for Halloween.

As the deadly Ebola virus trickles its way through the United States, fighting its disease is no reason to compromise style. The short dress and chic gas mask will be the talk of Milan, London, Paris, and New York as the world’s fashionistas seek global solutions to hazmat couture

The costume is receiving the customary amount of blowback from people saving the world one self-righteous Internet comment at a time. Dressing like Satan or the whore version of a Disney character is cool, but mocking the opéra bouffe that is our nation’s reaction to Ebola is verboten. My only concern is the short sleeves on the outfit. That definitely seems like a place where contaminated diarrhea can lodge, if your Halloween party gets particularly out of control.

Taylor Swift Gets Ambassador Nod

By Lex October 29, 2014 @ 9:50 AM

Taylor Swift Shows Off Legs In Mini Dress While Heading To The Letterman Show
Taylor Swift was declared the new Global Welcome Ambassador to New York City. It used to be pre-op Thai hookers in Times Square until Giuliani cleaned up that perfectly nice rat hole. Taylor has zero New York roots and just moved into her $20 million Tribeca condo last summer, but the tourism board knows a winning formula when they see it. Vacationers around the world love Taylor Swift. Swift dines and shits and throws pajama parties in your city, why not make her the face of Welcome to the Big Apple. With Ebola fears and failing schools and the ever-present threat of more Spike Lee movies, New York needs a reassuring happy shining beacon of hope. Taylor Swift, rise and take your place among the titans.

I thought Donald Trump would be pissed, but mostly it’s just Dee Snider who Taylor Swift could buy, stuff, and mount on her rumpus room wall if she was feeling cheeky.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Praying For Pranksters

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 8:02 AM

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Ray Rice and his punch drunk wife let it be known they are praying for the people dressing as abusive Ray Rice for Halloween. Apparently the pair disapproves of those who would make light of domestic violence, as opposed to those who flagrantly traffic in it. What Rice fails to understand is the people dressing as Ray Rice aren’t going home to beat their wives. It’s only mildly funny because you would never actually do such a cowardly thing to a woman. They aren’t mocking domestic violence, they are mocking you for being the asshole who nearly punched his wife into a coma in an Atlantic City casino. I bet Satan gets the joke when hot chicks dress up in devil costumes.

Photo Credit: Instagram

FBI Trolled Bomber

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 7:49 AM

FBI

In 2007 some kid in Washington State was making a lot of bomb threats to his high school. To find this anonymous threat, the FBI created a fake Seattle Times article about bomb threats which contained malware, sent it to his Myspace Inbox, waited for him to click on it, and then tracked him down via his IP address. News of this law enforcement technique has pissed off Kathy Best, Editor of The Seattle Times.

“We are outraged that the FBI, with the apparent assistance of the U.S. Attorney’s Office, misappropriated the name of The Seattle Times to secretly install spyware on the computer of a crime suspect. Not only does that cross a line, it erases it.”

The FBI claims it only conducts this illicit appropriation type behavior when there’s an imminent threat to public safety, as in the case of a bomb threat or obviously college students trading pot brownie recipes. I don’t blame the newspaper for being upset. How many suburbanite Jihadis or healthy fathers of five have clicked a Times article about a dog who befriended a porcupine only to see their computers destroyed? Best to visit the New York Times which everyone knows is owned and operated by terrorists and hence only trafficked by amateurs. I sleep well at night knowing the FBI is posting bugged bukkake videos to RedTube so they can track viewers to see if they’re praising a vengeful Allah while stroking.

Photo Credit: Getty Images