By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 12:16 PM
With more and more stories out that artificial sweeteners in diet soda are just making fat people die even faster, this Stevia plant sweetener is growing rapidly in popularity. It’s got few calories compared to real sugar and won’t send you into diabetic conniptions like the shit they’ve been putting in Diet Coke since people started pretending 1-calorie sodas could counteract Subway meatball grinders and eight hours in an office chair.
Coca-Cola Life is Coke’s version of Stevia sweetened cola that is making the rounds in foreign countries. They started in South America where up to 500,000 people can die mysteriously without much notice. Between making kids too fat to do wind sprints in gym and the mass distribution of aspartame, Coca-Cola kills more people annually than the influenza virus and helmet-less skateboarding combined. It’s nice to see they’re moving in the direction of using natural plant life, treating it with industrial solvents, kettle cooking it, synthesizing it in laboratories, and adding just a hint of Black Widow venom to finally produce a healthy soda. Green packaging does not lie. This soda’s going to make you a superstar.
Photo Credit: Getty, AKM-GSI
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 11:46 AM
A crack habit and wretched curse filled tirades and losing World Series couldn’t keep Ron Washington from his post as the manager of the Texas Ranger. But the allure of other women, fuck, that is a powerful beast. For no apparent reason, Ron Washington held a press conference to tell everybody that after 42 years of marriage, his cock fell to temptation and he was resigning as Rangers manager. I’m not sure why he couldn’t wait a couple weeks to finish the season and just tell everybody he was off to solve Ebola in Africa or spend time with his grandkids or any number of lies that make people remember you fondly. Now he’s the 60-something dude who got busted cheating and cried in his hat on TV while his wife looked on to make sure he kept up his humiliating end of the forgiveness bargain. Ron’s game day decision making remains very much in question.
Photo credit: Twitter/@StevensonFWST
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 10:31 AM
If you carbon dated Courtney Stodden you’d find twenty years of age was not a rock solid estimation of her years on this planet. She looks like she could tell tales from working the rooms at the Sands Hotel during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Courtney is back with her elderly husband who rescued her from the fate of still being a virgin at sixteen. She broke it off with him back in January so she could fuck other older men to see if something more ample popped in her career. Sadly, not everybody was blessed to be the next Mariah Carey or Chelsea Handler. With an apology and a party dress soaked in splooge, Courtney returned to her spouse who took her back with the understanding that it’s highly unlikely he’d ever find a high school sophomore to bang legally again. Pederasty really is a fickle beast.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
This chick seems pretty happy considering she just bound herself to Adam Levine for somewhere between a lifetime and irreconcilable differences early 2016. It’s the discomforting binds of an AT&T mobile contract with the further displeasure of Adam Levine making you sleep in the wet spot. Girls from Africa tend to be whimsical in their decisions. When you live in constant fear of viral outbreak and Oscar Pistorius being your boyfriend, you live for the now. I could see how an insufferable pretty boy pop star fits into that mindset. Once Behati gets a taste for America and realizes she won’t die from mosquito bites, she’ll take the pre-nup payout and start on older, quiet, Arizona real estate magnate husband number two.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 9:56 AM
Some people consider it gross that adult siblings would bathe naked together. I say it’s beautiful. Not so much the thought of two Willis she-brute jaws locked in taboo passion, that actually made me throw up a bit, but Scout taking time out of her busy day of acting once in 1998 to welcome her younger sister out of rehab with a good scrub.
According to the checkout counter rags, the Willis girls are reeling from their dad remarrying some young model and making new babies and mom trying to find somebody even younger and more douchey than Ashton Kutcher to watch her do whip-its with her vagina. Good luck with that. The downside of being celebrity kids is self-absorbed parents. The upside is open calendars and afternoon Caligula baths.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 9:33 AM
Here’s the plan. First, you take pictures of my tits. Then I take pictures of yours. But you need to giggle more and make goofy faces so people don’t notice you’re poor and can’t afford fake tits. Holy christ, look how hot my ass looks when I dislocate my hips. Shoot me, dammit! Selfie sisters forever!
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Long seen as a fat drunken louse with a snotty accent, Gerard Depardieu is fighting back his soused mall Santa rep by glorifying his gluttony rather than defending it. Depardieu now brags that he drinks up to fourteen bottles of wine per day, along with some cocktails to break up the routine, and he rarely gets past the point of a being buzzed.
In the morning, it starts at home with champagne or red wine before 10am, then again champagne. Then food, accompanied by two bottles of wine.In the afternoon, champagne, beer and more pastis at around 5pm, to finish off the bottle. Later on, vodka and/or whisky. But I’m never totally drunk, just a little pissed
Depardieu’s track record of DUI, arrest for pissing in the aisle of a plane, looking like Louie Anderson’s less healthy brother, and requiring a quintuple bypass surgery might suggest he lacks self-awareness. Also, making two decent movies out of sixty-five tries is a pretty poor record even for the French. I don’t believe it’s even possible to drink fourteen bottles of water, let alone wine in a day. That’s 360 ounces or 45 cups if you’ve got a calculator like I do. It’s also about 9,000 calories which would quickly push you past just morbid obesity and into dead territory quickly. I think Jerry’s trying to translate his plain old tubby alcoholism into some legend of El Borracho romance.
It’s only a matter of time before two teen lovebirds discover Depardieu blue and cold beneath a collapsed child’s playground swing set in the park. For cause of death the coroner can write, just a little pissed, then we can all have a good knowing chuckle.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Miley Cyrus celebrated Mexican Independence Day by having her ass repeatedly slapped with a Mexican flag, while in Mexico. As Miley was bending over and twerking with her drop dead hilarious oversized fake ass, one of her token locally hired day laborer male backup dancers whipped her ass with the symbol of Mexico’s national pride, such as it is. Now Mexican lawmakers are threatening to fine her $1,200 dollars or have her detained for 36 hours because they don’t understand currency exchange.
Unlike your average Mexican citizen, American pop stars will gladly produce ten years of your salary in order to avoid disappearing under your custody. No word on the guy doing the whipping, but the overwhelming odds are he lacks cash or even basic toiletries so extracting money is a lost cause. He’ll probably be put in irons and forced to work the Ensenada parasailing booths. I don’t see how Cyrus can go lower in her repeated failed attempts at provoking reaction. Maybe shitting on Ground Zero or face humping the Lincoln Memorial would garner a few headlines. It’s not really punk if your Beverly Hills media firms plans it out on paper first. But it is pretty fucking lucrative.
Photo Credit: Instagram