By Lex November 28, 2014 @ 10:49 AM
Like many other idiots, each Thanksgiving I feel compelled to visit relatives who live in as cold a fucking place as can support some level of human life. The ice age didn’t just sweep over our tropical environs while we were sleeping on a Tuesday night. It took eons. You’ve had fucking eons to move south, moron relatives. The birds figured it out. Then Jews from New York. It’s time for my inbred lot to caravan south until they see this Venezuelan chick on Miami Beach. I don’t need hearty meatballs at Thanksgiving. I want to see chicks in thongs exfoliating their asses on palm tree trunks.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
Jennifer Aniston revealed her financially motivated inspiration for reprising her role as the nympho dentist in Horrible Bosses II. The critically panned and widely considered unnecessary follow up to 2011′s copacetic original features Aniston again appearing three quarters nude for use in theatrical trailers to manipulate impressionable Thanksgiving weekend stoners with no family. Aniston suddenly finds she still draws inspiration from the seductive temptress she played in the original:
“I have thought a lot about her while I’ve done other films since then… She’s a hard one to let go of. I didn’t get enough of her. It went too quick.”
I’d find motivation too if Megan Fox passed on my part. Jennifer Aniston has made about fifteen major motion pictures since she became famous through Friends. For at least seven of these films, her publicity team leaked stories about her romancing the leading man and for five of them she’s held press interviews discussing her sexual bravery for appearing topless in the film, even though all of this has been bullshit and almost all of the films have been flops. She’s not particularly versatile as an actress, but at least knowing we could see her tits or that she was blowing Gerard Butler for real in his trailer would’ve made her seem more likable.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 10:07 AM
The perils of playing basketball in a small market like Indianapolis are not to be underestimated. Endorsements come fewer and your groupies are ridden with half erased tattoos. On the bright side it’s reported less what a prodigious fool you are. Paul George’s rap sheet includes endorsing Floyd Mayweather’s shitty hat company, sticking up for Ray Rice, having his dick picks posted online, and offering to pay a stripper a million bucks to abort a baby he fathered. Not counting that he is a happy father. A legal battle had been ensuing while George prayed dutifully to the Lord for a miscarriage, but his stripper side pussy known as Daniela Rajic, or Cinnamon after 7 pm, had other plans. After George’s semen was sifted from the others in Rajic’s raj the two came to amicable terms, according to George’s attorney:
“They have reached a settlement with full joint custody and a financial package. They will be raising their daughter together. Paul George had always intended to do the right thing, and he is thrilled to have a daughter. The settlement is generous, the child is going to have a wonderful life, and both parents will be equally involved in bringing her up.”
Generous settlement is putting it conservatively. Whatever the amount, it would have taken epochs of hand jobs in the VIP Room to earn such keep. Let this be a testament to the miracle of life. One minute you’re sucking on your momma’s titty, the next you have an accidental child of your own with a stripper you hired a limo and a driver to take to Planned Parenthood for the Early Bird Special. I’m sure this kid will break the cycle.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex November 28, 2014 @ 9:53 AM
I can’t think of a more inspiring tale than an attractive surfer chick from Hawaii becoming a professional swimsuit model. This is good news for the hottest girls in tropical island high schools who heretofore saw themselves topping out as a Luke or Owen Wilson future baby mama. The deck has always been stacked against teen girls with perfect racks and harrowing tales of guys their parents made her call ‘Uncle’ chasing them around the lanai with illicit intent. Now they are set perfecting a craft that will last them at least until twenty-four or their first French husband who later turns out not to be French and more of a con man from Atlanta. I love heartwarming tales around the holidays.
Photo Credit: Beach Bunny Swimwear
By Lex November 28, 2014 @ 9:19 AM
Katy Perry skipped the American Music Awards earlier this week because she was winning an even bigger award in Australia, the rake of half a mill a night in appearance fees. Also, the Australians made up some kind of accolate to give her since they know they have to try just a little harder to get the cool people to come to their parties because they live so far away. Katy Perry was pretty much the only person not to show up to the AMA’s despite being honored by the super important bogus awards. This puts her in Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson territory where you have other people accept major awards on your behalf because you’re busy getting baked and watching the laser show at the planetarium. Player. She had a better week than Ferguson.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
The only talented one from Oasis missed a deposition for a child support hearing regarding a chick he knocked up in New York City. This wasn’t any random skank, but a skank who happened to be a journalist writing an all access profile for the New York Times when the married inebriate finished inside her. It’s called journalism. Gallagher lives in London and his lawyers claimed he could not make the proceedings because he was sick. Though not so sick he and his buddies couldn’t watch a soccer match in a pub and post the photos to Facebook. For every liar there is an idiot buddy who loves Facebook who ruins everything.
Though Gallagher is not technically fibbing. He is an alcoholic. A disease like no other. If you have dog bite, you go to the vet. If you’re vomiting bile you get an Irish Car Bomb. Why is this defense accepted when you run over a homeless guy but not when you miss a flight for a child support hearing? I back Gallagher for getting the treatment he deserves. If the courts in New York can’t understand this, to hell with them. Award money to the world’s least objective reporter and spend the next ten years trying to collect it from a guy dying from cirrhosis across the ocean.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 8:07 AM
Scott Stapp has apparently been doing huge amounts of meth, as evidenced by a video he made denying he is doing huge amounts of meth. Its a variation of the old adage If You Have To Ask. If you’re going to issue a statement proclaiming your sanity it’s best not to do it holed up in a cheap hotel room looking like Iggy Pop’s AIDS ridden Great Uncle. Unfortunately the impulse which leads you to post rambling conspiratorial videos to Facebook is the same one that told you to take that extra hit off the pipe. Its called being wicked high on meth. Stapp has been receiving welfare checks and sleeping in his car. He also claims all his money has gone missing. I think I know the culprit. The dude’s name is Evil Scott Stapp. He only comes out after Pius Scott tastes his magic pixie dust.
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
Floyd Mayweather is being sued by his ex fiancee Shantel Jackson because he allegedly beat the shit out of her and publicly outed her for having an abortion. She sees this as an invasion of privacy and definitely no way to impress a lady. Floyd thinks making his former fetus Thanksgiving dinner conversation for the masses serves as a worthwhile tribute. Mayweather insists that his actions did not cross any lines because Jackson was in a relationship with him, thereby making her a public figure and fair game for abortion shaming. He has a point. If you don’t want to be a public figure, stop getting punched in the face by Floyd Mayweather. People have come to expect a certain standard of normalcy. To deny them this would be plain selfish, you baby killer. Here’s some concealer.