Justin Bieber, Princess Maker

By Josh February 12, 2016 @ 8:01 AM

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If you disseminate sexualized pictures of underage girls on the Internet, you get arrested by Chris Hansen and the guys at the FBI not working on a Hillary Clinton indictment. Unless you’re Justin Bieber, in which case the lucky kid featured in the dubious pic gets paid. Bieber recently posted a photo of a hot chick on his Instagram and queried his fans something eloquent along the lines of, “WTF who dis yo?!” Now the girl in the picture, identified as Dutch-born Cindy Kimberly, has signed a professional modeling contract. Also, she’s seventeen.

Bieber may look like he’s fourteen, but he’s twenty-one. And in the states that matter, it would be illegal for him to fingerblast the 17-year-old’s Netherlands with his third thumb. Good thing she lives in Spain, where if there’s grass on the upper lip, she’s old enough for more than just the tip. That expression sounds better in Spanish. Siri, when’s the next nonstop to Madrid?

Photo credit: Cindy Kimberly/Instagram

Gwyneth Paltrow Building a Castle

By Josh February 12, 2016 @ 7:11 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is backing the construction of an exclusive London style Arts Club on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. Membership to the multistory hangout will be expensive and exclusive. To gain membership, you must be nominated by an existing member. Also, members must “have an interest in creative arts and sciences.” So, Hollywood actors or beat poets with an extra twenty-five grand lying around. The regulations within the Arts Club will be stringent and classy. For instance, no swearing. Also, you can’t talk about that rich billionaire who killed a dude with a helicopter that Paltrow fucked while married to Chris Martin.

There’s nothing inherently wrong in being a snobby bitch. Not everybody wants to be universally adored. If you can afford to build a hi-rise club to literally look down upon people, you should be able to look down upon them. The dumpy, short-haired housewives across America who buy into the Paltrow’s homemaker front can pretend she’d love your company on an outlet mall shopping afternoon. You’re paying for the tower she’s building to get away from you. I think I read this parable in my Goop bible.

Photo credit: Gwyneth Paltrow/Instagram

 

Ted Cruz Cast Former Porn Star In His Campaign Ad

By Lex February 11, 2016 @ 9:11 PM

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Ted Cruz rolled rapidly into South Carolina with a series of honed and crafted attack ads on his fellow Republican candidates. All these smiling clams run negative ads for the sole reason that they tend to be effective on the dumb people they insist on calling smart voters. Ads have to be created super fast to be timed to forever changing campaign media strategies. They produce them in commercial mills. Amy Lindsay got cast to be in Cruz’s ad mocking Marco Rubio for being a flip flopper. Amy Lindsay is the star of numerous single X porn films where all the chicks have second rate boob jobs and somebody on set maintains a donut cushion between cock and vagina to keep everything legal under permit.

Cruz’ staff pulled the ad down from all media outlets within a five Mississippi Jesus countdown of learning about Lindsay’s wanton wicked evil strumpet ways. That seems harsh. We all have to pay the rent. Not everybody lives on a government salary. Sometimes, you’ve got to have three way lesbian sex in a Hollywood Hills home staged for a sale.

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We’re all disappointed, Amy. Sex scandals have been a part of politics from the dawn of this nation. This one is pretty lame. Could’ve used less donut.  Whole bunch of pictures of Amy Lindsay topless at work HERE.

Kanye West Raps About Nailing Taylor Swift

By Josh February 11, 2016 @ 7:57 PM

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Kanye West and Taylor Swift are poised to be embroiled in another very public feud which will rock the very core of numerous grocery store checkout line magazines. A fat woman just dropped her Luck Charms. This is serious. West dissed Swift on a track off his new album,

For all my Southside niggas who will know me best
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why, I made that bitch famous
God damnI made that bitch famous.

It’s ‘Taylor and I’. Proper grammar is the only thing separating rappers from low rent bloggers. I know this is just hip hop bragging, but realistically, Taylor Swift isn’t going to be sticking her fingers in your ass the way you like it any time soon.

In response to West’s paint-by-numbers chest-beating performance, Swift’s rich celebrity girlfriends one by one took to Twitter to announce their support for Swift and their disappointment in Kanye West. The new album was played at West’s Yeezy line fashion show in New York so numerous wealthy anorexics were put in the uncomfortable position of having to explain their presence at the sexist rapper’s suede lined booties show.

Gigi-Hadid-on-Twitter

Awkward. Don’t eat this month and we’re cool again. Other models posted Instagram videos of Hadid looking upset by Kanye’s music as proof of her loyalty. The old Soviet Union secret police used to work under similar protocol.

Swift’s younger brother posted a video of himself throwing out his Yeezy’s which makes a powerful statement of support for his sister except you already paid for the shoes, dumbass. Also, Taylor Swift doesn’t have a brother. Wait, are you the one she never ever talks about. Get those Yeezy’s back!

Peyton Manning Shilling and Lily Rose Depp Renounces Her Lesbian on the Last Men on Earth Podcast #34 (AUDIO)

By Lex February 11, 2016 @ 2:15 PM

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Every generation believes the world is going to hell. Only one will ever be proven correct. I’m kind of secretly hoping it’s us. Before the next Olympics.

This week Matt and I discuss all the shit that shouldn’t have happened but it did in the past week including Peyton Manning noodle arming obvious Budweiser endorsements, Beyonce remembering once a year that she’s black, and Johnny Depp’s kid becoming the first coming out gay teen in Hollywood to announce she was going back into the closet. Other shit happened too. It’s all there. We don’t stop fucking talking.

Follow the LastMenPodcast show on TwitterFacebook, or on the LastMenonEarth website.

Target Goes Gender Neutral

By Lex February 11, 2016 @ 1:40 PM

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Target could’ve just stopped sorting their kids bedding aisle by boys blue space ranger crap on one side and girls pink princess crap on the other and mixed and matched their Chinese slave labor sewn blankets. Instead they announced a corporate policy to go ‘gender neutral’ with their kids bedding because packs of three year olds were marching in the street demanding a socially progressive unscientific view on gender identity. According to their corporate spokesperson who had a ton of time to come up with a far more meaningful bit of bullshit:

Girls like rockets and basketball. And boys like ponies.

Which isn’t actually true except on the margins. But it’s a convenient thing to say when shilling for sales point in a world where the LGBT lobby has ironically become The Man. I’d love to see the sales figures on boys picking ponies over rockets. This isn’t as big a deal as the SI Swimsuit pandering because I don’t beat off in the kids bedding aisle at Target. I’d suggest you refrain from the same. They take that shit even more seriously than feigned attempts at achieving gender equality among preschoolers. Maybe this will work and girls will finally invent the rocket ship to get me off this planet. It’s really starting to get lame.

Nicola Griffin Oldest SI Model

By Lex February 11, 2016 @ 12:36 PM

Nicola Griffin Oldest SI Model
Nicola Griffin is the oldest woman to appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition by a meaningful number of years. After nabbing a couple fatties to expand the definition of the word ‘bikini body beautiful’, the magazine went straight for old ladies as they checked off the categories of women not a single reader asked to see in a bikini. Sports Illustrated doesn’t cover heavyset women or old ladies in the course of its normal sports coverage. It’s hard to know who to blame for this explicit pandering but I’ll choose Lisa Garcia Quiroz, Chief Diversity for Time Warner. Time Warner’s CEO now has thirty-percent of his executive compensation tied to diversity results. Fat chick and old ladies in bikinis just earned him a new boat. There’s a method to this madness. Follow the money. Eventually it will lead you back around to the 22-year old Brazilian models as it should.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Meryl Streep Solves Hollywood Diversity Problem And Shit Around The Web

By Michael February 11, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

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Oscar bait Meryl Streep said that the whole hoopla over diversity at the Oscars is stupid because after all “we’re all Africans really.” Needless to say, Twitter and social media tore apart this national treasure like a chicken at a pit bull convention.

I guess that’s easy to say if you’ve won 4000 Oscars. (Dlisted)

Alison Brie wears a lace-up dress and makes my peepee happy. (Last Men On Earth)

Miranda Kerr’s chest puppies want to pop out of that leather corset. (Egotastic)

Blac Chyna uses her ass to sell Rob Kardashian’s shitty socks. (TMZ)

Who doesn’t love a hot redhead? (The Chive)

Selena Gomez sure knows how to wear a sweater. (Popoholic)

Why put on airs, here are some pictures of girls with giant tits. (Radass)