Charles Blow Seems Like a Good Dad

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 12:04 PM

Charles-Blow-speaking-on-panel

Charles Blow is one of the many columnists who reports on race for the New York Times so the people who read the times can feel appropriately horrible about themselves. It’s all that’s holding circulation together at this point. Charles Blow’s son was detained at gunpoint by Yale University police over the weekend because he fit the description of a ‘tall, African-American, college-aged student wearing a black jacket and a red and white hat’ witnessed burglarizing dorm rooms that same evening. If you’ve ever been to Yale, you know there are hardly any black students. How many are tall and male and wearing a black jacket on any given evening.? Charles Blow’s son and the burglar.

The campus cops stopped him, asked a few questions, then let him go. It was just like Eric Garner meets Michael Brown meets the killing of Malcolm X meets Selma. Charles Blow did what any father would do when his son became a victim of the very same police brutality he exposes for a living. He logged into Twitter:

So, my son, a 3rd year chem major at Yale was just accosted – at GUN POINT – by a Yale policeman bc he “fit the description” of a suspect…

He was let go when they realized he was a college student and not a criminal ( he was leaving the library!) He’s shaken, but I’m fuming!

#ICantBreathe #BlackLivesMatter

It’s easy for me pale face to laugh off the outrageous mistreatment of minorities by the wild-eyed Ivy League campus police. Also, easy to see how Blow used the word accosted instead of detained. Or how he reflexively hash tagged popular police brutality memes to try to stand in for an actual well-reasoned point. Being a writer on race issues requires race issues. There are plenty of those,  but they’re complex and a pain in the ass to explain earnestly. Having your own son asphyxiated to death and or questioned by the police for up to several minutes is much simpler. If you only knew how proud you made your dad.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Goldie, Kate and Donatella Ready to Wear

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 11:16 AM

Goldie Hawn Kate Hudson And Donatella Versace In Paris For Fashion Week

It’s a matter of opinion as to who among the group of girlfriends is the one staying home on Saturday night, but I’ll randomly bet behind the one who resembles a Tim Burton stop-motion character. Goldie Hawn insisted on accredited university degrees for the dude who slices her up on the regular. Her daughter only needs a couple toxin needles here and there. But that Corpse Bride really got the shaft. You have to believe they stitched her back together then realized there were still some pieces left on the medical tray. Like when you put together an Ikea bookshelf. You can tell yourself those three hex bolts and the half-inch screw were just drunk Swedes fucking up the count at the factory. But deep down you know that fucker is caving in one day. Now, imagine that’s your face.

Photo Credit: Splash

Miss Lebanon’s Future Seems Bleak

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 10:31 AM

Miss-Israel-and-Miss-Lebanon
When you leave Beirut on the burro for the Miss Universe pageant, you’re given two instructions. Smile like you’re from a better country and don’t get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their neck stumps. For two weeks of whatever the hell they do at Miss Universe, Miss Lebanon kept her distance from Miss Israel. But sinister sneaky Jews being what they are, Miss Israel bided her time then popped into frame with Miss Lebanon in a selfie she posted to Twitter. All hell broke loose in Lebanon. Three times the usual rubble was created. Miss Lebanon was called a traitor, a Jew lover, and was in danger of losing her country crown to the chick with the infected face scab who came in a close second. Miss Lebanon quickly took to social media

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Miss Lebanon’s manager filed a complaint with the Miss Universe pageant and demanded Miss Israel be removed from the competition. Then he turned to the camera and told people Beirut was lovely in the Spring and the Intercontinental had vacancies. The Miss Universe judges re-acted by naming Miss Colombia the winner because she’s hot and Spanish and learned early in life that men love tits more than politics.

Photo Credit: Splash

Porn Remains Our National Treasure

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:44 AM

farrah abraham avn awards LB
No matter how commercially bankrupt we become as a nation, we still exult the shit out of the gritty womenfolk who fuck on camera. Farrah Abraham, who is a mom and not a porn star, led a cavalcade of ass to mouth practitioners up the red carpet for the Adult Video Awards in Vegas. Whose cum are you wearing? Who glittered your taint? There’s no artist pretense to be had when the world has seen your prolapsed rectum under hot lights. Nobody needs to thank their stepdads for fingering them as preteens or the moms who conveniently looked the other way. Greatness isn’t born, it’s built. That’s America. God bless us.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kris Jenner the Toast of Paris

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

Kris Jenner Wears Leather In Paris
There is one single spot left on this planet where Kris Jenner is roundly lauded by the public. Welcome to Paris. Homegrown jihadi terrorism and the pervasive smell of rotten apricots used to be the French capital’s two most off putting qualities. Until cheering crowds circled Kris Jenner shouting shit in French that basically translates to, I love you! Use my bidet to clean your acidic tinkle! For a short while we all had to pretend Paris was a sweet place beset by evil. But it’s not. It’s an evil place beset by evil. If Kris Jenner keeps dressing progressively younger, eventually we can abort her. I’ll make the Planned Parenthood contribution. You get the Hefty drawstrings. It’s our last best hope.

Photo Credit: INF

Justin Bieber Seems Confident Enough

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 8:50 AM

Justin Bieber Checks Himself Out In The Mirror While Working Out
Justin Bieber isn’t the first douchebag to pose for himself in the mirror in between sets at the gym. He’s just the one small enough for me to ridicule. Vanity is every bit as natural to the human condition as taking a dump. Most people flush. Bieber is that special flower who has to admire his own ringlets of perfection. At some point the workouts and the tattoos and ordering of the big-ass bodyguards won’t be enough. Bieber’s going to end up in some off the map part of Bangkok cage fighting tigers. Unless they’ve got very tiny tigers, Bieber’s finally going to meet his match. It will all be for naught unless somebody gets decent audio.

Photo Credit: INF

Lindsay Lohan Distorted

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

LL

Lindsay Lohan posted a photo of herself shopped to look like a Barbie Doll and pretended nothing was up. She got herself down to her natural waist size, when she was eight and couldn’t eat because dad was beating mom so severely she wanted to save her food money for future booze. She claimed she was posting the photo to show she’s living fine with her new tropical virus. Or that’s what the virus wants the world to believe. You can Photoshop things on your phone now. Just not convincingly. Whatever people claim, McDonalds isn’t that terrible. However a medium Dr. Pepper is plenty. Don’t get plastered and go there overly confident. This is what happens. I definitely still would.

Photo credit: Instragram

Richard Simmons Is Still Alive

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 8:02 AM

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Richard Simmons is supposedly not dead. Someone called the police to report he is being elderly abused at the hands of a grizzly bear. It’s called party time and his safe word is kale. Whatever the spurned lover’s motivation, Simmons is doing fine although he is unfortunately still Richard Simmons. I’m so glad I didn’t spend my whole life Jazzercising. Turns out you’re miserable in the end anyway. May as well have a drink in your hand. He will be missed.