Rolling Stone magazine which occasionally makes up stories for shits and giggles sent actor, activist, and ageless angry dickweed Sean Penn into the jungles of Mexico for a secret interview with escaped Sinaloa drug lord, El Chapo. Penn was directed to El Chapo in hiding by a Mexican telenovela actress because he gets a surprising amount of top notch pussy for an old dude with a chin beard. Rolling Stone was probably sitting on the interview for a more precious release, but when El Chapo got re-re-arrested they had to spew it out fast. It’s primarily video taped interviews where El Chapo explains El Chapo in about as interesting a manner as an actor talking about what led him to eventually star in some big time crappy movie. Your plumber will never tell you about the middle school teacher who most influenced him into his profession, so tip him extra.

Sean Penn nods his head graciously and thoughtfully in good measure because despite spending the better part of his middle years befriending Latin American thugs, he hasn’t really invested any time in learning Spanish. Maybe turn on the Rosetta Stone every now and then when doing power lifts in your home gym? What we ultimately learn from El Chapo isn’t much. He said he doesn’t touch his shit and blames Americans for loving smack and toot which is pretty fair. He also mentions how removing him from the landscape won’t do shit to diminish the drug trade since somebody will simply take his place. Also accurate. Alas, the time to make your sensible political statements is before you behead a thousand people and bury their children alive.

Rolling Stone allowed El Chapo to have final say on what made his published interview, which is to say, this piece violates every single rule of journalism. I’m pretty sure Mike Wallace didn’t let Khomeini in he Avid bay to cut his 60 Minutes segment. Rumor is that Sean Penn may be in trouble with the DEA for sneaking off to meet El Chapo in a hideout the U.S. government probably is paying for under some obtuse scheme. Penn may also face retribution from the drug cartel since El Chapo was discovered by authorities shortly after their secret meeting in the mountains. It’s unlikely Penn snitched since he adores anything anti-U.S., but it is possible somebody planted a tracking device in his perfect 3-day growth shaving kit.

If this ends with both El Chapo and Sean Penn in a U.S. prison where rape is not allowed, but tacitly encouraged like at a Sigma Nu 151 punch party, then we will all be winners. Senor Spicoli, it’s activity hour again. The boss doesn’t like so much when you cry. Hint hint.