By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Getty
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 1:11 PM
Adrianne Curry took her turn on the elevated balcony of the Encore Beach Club in Las Vegas using her fake titties to stiffen up all the young men wading in the pool beneath. Not since Jupiter made Vesuvius explode to cover up the unparalleled homoerotic behavior of Pompeiians has such a mass of male dicks been assembled in one single continuous basin. I’m just glad the Rat Pack aren’t alive to put on snappy dinner jackets and hug each other repeatedly while witnessing this.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt August 20, 2014 @ 12:57 PM
Jackie Chan is taking his son’s drug bust pretty hard and has been going off about being dishonored and all the other things Chinese fathers say before their sons jump off a bridge. Chan posted a message on his website that fails to address the fact that China can legally execute you for being into pot:
“The recent news about my son, Jaycee, is very shocking and the impact it has caused on society is heartbreaking. When I first heard the news, I was absolutely enraged. As a public figure, I feel very ashamed; as his dad, I’m very sad and disappointed. But the person who feels heartbroken the most is his mom. I hope our younger generation will learn from Jaycee’s mistake and stay far away from drug abuse. I would like to take this opportunity and say to Jaycee: you’ve done something wrong and you have to be responsible for the consequences.”
Jackie goes so far as to blame Jaycee for society’s ills, which is fair because junior probably had something to do with Tiananmen Square. This kid is a moron for smoking pot under such Draconian conditions. If he was that into weed he should have fled China for a land where you get to complain about minor shit and can land movie roles based on your last name. Jackie does a fine job of illustrating how China continues to be fucked up, blaming the victim of their insane police state. He’s currently busy fire walling websites with Western ideas, pleading for sanity, and trying to block import of Pink Floyd’s debut album. If China wasn’t paying for all of our food stamps, we could really mock them properly.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Jack August 20, 2014 @ 12:02 PM
Do you know how much Farrah Abraham earned doing her strip club topless research? 500k! Let that sink in. This busted lazy-eyed whore made enough to buy a house by flashing her fake tits in Austin. I saw them on the Internet for free. I win.
Read all about how far being a whore can get you. (Huffington Post)
Jessica Simpson wants silicone ass implants so she can look like Kim Kardashian. (Dlisted)
The day I stop caring about Selena Gomez in hot pants is the day I’m dead. (Popoholic)
Check out the TCU cheerleaders calendar and pretend to care about TCU football. (COED)
There’s no football now but Lindsey Duke’s boobs are always in season. (Busted Coverage)
It’s for things like Adrienne Curry in a bikini that I get up in the morning. (The Superficial)
This picture of Helen Hunt getting wet will make your wiener sad. (Hollywood Tuna)
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:59 AM
Rihanna is making waves again. I don’t know, people say that. This time it’s not for singing tracks into a computer for re-assembly, but for sticking her paw into her pants on Twitter. She captioned the photo “school. kills” which is something not quite as provocatively inane as watching Rihanna finger her vagina through her transparent weed and cigarettes shorts. Rihanna’s public relations are run mostly by she and her buddies getting wicked fucking high and thinking of stupid things to do on the Internet that will get even stupider people like me to…. fuck.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 11:01 AM
When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.
Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.
I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.
There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.
It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.
Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 10:16 AM
Here’s more from the Anaconda music video from Nicki Minaj that is certain to reshape the very face of music. Sort of the way a car crash and plowing your head through a windshield at 40mph will reshape the very look of your face. Now that the dictates of my profession have forced me to watch the entire fucking video twice, I can say that this auditory pile of shit has some pretty nice asses. And when the dude at JuCo who made this in half an hour on GarageBand sampled Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s pretty fucking fresh. In the fine tradition of men’s magazines, I give this music video three boners. If Nicki’s ass were to explode in a ghastly blast of bloody homogenized fat, I’d take away one boner, but I’d buy it on iTunes instead of ripping it from YouTube.
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.
Photo Credit: Splash