By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:49 PM
I’m not sure what counselors are advising these days to current stalking victims, but I’m going to guess sharing upskirts in provocative fire woman outfits next to giant pink cupcakes isn’t one of them. Not that you should change your life because your psycho ex-boyfriend is tracking your every online move whilst bleeding onto your restraining order, that would mean the terrorists have won. Though sometimes the terrorists do win and it’s best to be hiding in a dark quite place when that happens. I’ve read their manual. They will kill the slutty looking fire girls first.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:36 PM
Lolo Jones has notably failed at many things, but she’s the big winner in being the first to publicly support and pray for Oscar Pistorius, the blade running killer. Her sympathy for Pistorius stems from her own dad being imprisoned for murder. Naturally, whatever crime your dad horribly perpetrated on others makes you sympathetic toward similar offenders. I suppose you could choose to side with the victims, but why not take the road less traveled.
I’m one of the most nonjudgmental people. There’s two sides to the story.
Well, yes. Except one side is dead because the other side shot it through the closed bathroom door a couple hundred times until it stopped crying out for help. I’ve never quite understood why so much stupid comes out of Lolo Jones’ mouth. We all think stupid, some of us feel obliged to openly share it. I like to call that latter group the dumbasses for simplicity in sorting when it comes time to build the Space Ark and decide who should colonize our next planet.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:15 PM
Taylor Swift’s not lesbian lover Karlie Kloss really cleans up nice. After a night of Parcheesi and truth or dare that involved nothing but disheartening truths, Karlie slipped into a little something more trashy to hawk some cheap perfume. With news that Paris Hilton licensed stink is now doing $2 billion in aroma sales around the world, Victoria’s Secret is stepping up the fight for a little piece of the action in nations where the only known cure for body odor is more perfume. The desire to slather artificial floral chems across my body to smell like French bidet potpourri has ever eluded me. But were I so inclined, I’d definitely look toward anorexic lingerie models or herpetic crank eyed heiresses to define my scent. 2 billion, really world? Fuck.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Jack October 31, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Lumpy troll Lena Dunham decided to show us all her compelling clever tits once more to promote Planned Parenthood. I’m not sure what her lackluster funbags have to do with abortion but we could probably lower the number needed if every guy looked at her photo before attempting intercourse.
Check out her horrid breasts if you dare. (The Superficial)
Mike Tyson gets his own cartoon because…I don’t know why. (TMZ)
Kate Hudson and her friends dress like slutty bikers for Halloween. (Huffington Post)
Avril Alexander in a bikini gives me a funny feeling in my pants. (Drunken Stepfather)
I’ll to take a number to eat at the Xenia Deli, not creative, but you’ll see (Hollywood Tuna)
Hermione is still one incredibly hot chick I shall never know biblically (Popoholic)
Let me tell you a tale of Brittney Palmer’s tits. They are awesome. (The Chive)
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 11:44 AM
Like every rich person in Hollywood not named Gene Simmons, Adam McKay feels super fucking guilty. He’s the SNL writer who teamed up with Will Ferrell on all his comedy movies and is now worth about $40 million. The two also launched Funny or Die together with their Landlord video and a bunch of other shorts before turning the reigns over to the general public ensuring that only one out of a thousand videos would henceforth be watchable.
Now McKay has created his signature piece for Funny or Die. A My Little Pony cartoon spoof to serve as a JuCo lecture on income inequality, the ills of capitalism, and why America sucks for not paying Burger King employees better wages. McKay got several of his wealthy entertainer friends to help create this video so Madame Defarge might knit them onto the short list of rich people not to kill when the revolution goes down . The video is neither funny or amusing, it’s a talking points memo from the Daily Kos posing as a satire, all of which is fine, except that he’s using it as signature comedy material on Funny or Die.
Just because a guy’s getting $2 million to write Talladega Nights while the teacher writing his kid’s school lesson plan is making $20 an hour doesn’t mean he can’t lecture others on income inequality. I’m down with not having to be the average Joe to want to fight for the average Joe. But cartoon solutions about sticking it to the evil rich and corporations paying janitors enough to buy the new Corolla is just shtick designed to make you feel less guilty about being a college drop out who gets paid a ton to make people giggle. You earned it, a-hole. Nobody hates you for it save for yourself. Put down the crucifix and get yourself another Lambo. Drive to the local Burger King and buy some shit. That’s how the economy actually works. When you’re there, order some extra Whoppers for your house staff and announce that Funny Or Die is closing shop. It’s time.
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 11:10 AM
Kaley Cucoco received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame after her PayPal for $49.95 cleared and she agreed to make herself look as old and unattractive as possible for a 28-year old with nice tits. The notion that the star in the cement in front of a head shop is synonymous with a profound entertainment career has long since passed. They’re giving them out to boy bands and as settlements for girls who survived molestations while working as Student #7 in Disney afternoon fare. I’m forever intrigued by the way people accept honors they can’t possibly feel like they deserve. Would Kaley Cuoco accept an award for Inspiring African American Actress? A Purple Heart from the Handsomest President ever? I know she’s been in Barbie commercials since her parents sold her to the circus at five, but in her twenties with one TV show under her belt, she has to feel a little awkward accepting a league of legends type award. Some of us have to pee on that street late at night. I wish they’d show it more respect.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 10:39 AM
I don’t know precisely when parental intervention is necessitated, but if this were my daughter, after milking her for millions in merchandising deals, I’d probably tough love her into a nunnery somewhere in the Alps until she was able to raise the escape cash . Sure you intentionally raised a jaded and emotionally empty whore child, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend it’s not your fault and blame the Internet or sex in movies or Abercrombie ads. Have a good cry on Oprah, people will believe you.
You simply can’t have your seventeen year old daughter offering up her submissive sex in front of millions of other moderate to low levels of intelligence teen girls. Red Bull product placement monies aside. We can’t afford the resulting baby boom. Not with a ton of illegal immigrants still needing jobs.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 9:49 AM
Damn if The AIDS charity events aren’t just bringing out the best in all of us. The Keep a Child Alive ball was the sight of so much celebrity tits last night, four gay men who would otherwise have had unprotected sex in the coat room got confused and perhaps saved a life. I don’t need to repeat myself on how effective boobs are in raising money. That goes for charities, doctor’s offices pharmaceutical sales, and grade school dunk tank fundraisers. They just make a man feel generous. The event itself honored the artistic director of Givenchy for donating thousands of silk scarf irregulars to the Congo to be used as prophylactics during higher risk forced intercourse in the bush. Also, open bar. Enough said.
Photo Credit: INF