Daniele Watts Says Photo Proves No Titty Humping

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Daniele-Watts-Fooling-Around-TMZ

Daniele Watts is the actress everyone is calling, ‘The Django’ actress because she played a call girl in the Tarantino movie and nobody recognizes her other minor credits. Watts got busted by cops last week for banging her boyfriend in a car in Studio City in the middle of the afternoon. When cops responded to the lewd behavior call, Daniele refused to show ID, screamed that the cops were harassing her for being black with a white boyfriend, and then told the entire neighborhood she was a practitioner of the dramatic artists and had a publicist. She then called her ‘daddy’ on the phone to complain about her civil rights to fuck around in public were being violated. Your standard drunk Reese Witherspoon type arrest.

According to eyewitnesses, Daniele was full on humping her raw foods salad composer boyfriend in the front seat with her top up smashing her tits into his face. Somebody from a nearby office building went over to tell them to get a room but they wouldn’t stop fucking, so the cops were called. According to Danielle and the dude who loves her because she likes to fuck in the afternoon, they were just passionately making out, you know, like couples around 30 do in their car in the middle of the day outside office buildings. TMZ naturally obtained a photo of the shenanigans which doesn’t prove a thing other than somebody is taking a cell phone picture of everything at any given time.

What have we learned from this entire incident? Actresses are crazy. Crazy chicks like to fuck in dangerous places. If you’re a dad and your daughter is a struggling actress, change your phone number. You don’t need a phone call like that.

Photo credit: TMZ

Beyonce’s Fake Thigh Gap And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 17, 2014 @ 2:07 PM

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Overexposed harpie Beyonce¬† had her thighs Photoshopped in a bikini. Maybe it’s because she’s knocked the fuck up or maybe it’s just that she wants to pretend she still has thigh gap. Either way, she should fire her photo guy.

Check out Bey’s web of thigh lies. (TMZ)

Leonardo DiCaprio’s cock was named the UN peace ambassador (Gawker)

American Apparel comes out with see-through underwear. (Drunken Stepfather)

Amanda Cerny in a bathing suit is a very very good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)

Miley Cyrus covers Led Zeppelin and the result sucks as much as you imagine. (Huffington Post)

Jenny McCarthy lost her wedding ring banging the lesser Wahlberg. (Dlisted)

(Photo Via Tumblr)

Sharni Vinson Loses Her Bikini Top

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Sharni Vinson Loses Her Top While Swimming In Hawaii
Who is Sharni Vinson? Do you care or are you already staring at her tits? Don’t lie. This is your safe space. Vinson is a rexic Aussie actress who you might have seen in those StepUp dance movies if you’re very badly pussy whipped. She also doesn’t believe in covering up at the beach. She’s probably going to turn a bunch of onlooking kids into rapists who don’t sort their recycling as happens when children see women’s breasts before they’ve taken their first college course on the role of gender in cultural mysticism.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Adrian Peterson Re-Suspended

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 12:57 PM

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Outside of being gay in Hollywood or fat in Michigan, the easiest stereotype to fall into is self-righteous about how other people raise their children. Adrian Peterson is a clueless jock who doesn’t understand why being a two weeks every summer celebrity bio dad doesn’t lend itself to bruising up your kid with switches. But the moral outrage and clutching of pearls that goes on with the media and commenters. Jesus. Trust me, you’re not that great of a parent. There are tons of kids in this country being really hurt everyday that aren’t better served by pontification from reporters and screeds from Budweiser about being sweet and tender.

The Minnesota Vikings had originally reinstated Adrian Peterson to play this weekend, but now they’ve re-suspended him. No facts changed in the case, just the public outrage ramped up from every corner. Politicians, pundits, website commenters, some chick who Oprah paid to experiment with lesbian sex. The Vikings crumbled. Issued apologies for not, you know, overreacting sooner.

Other than being a dumbass, Adrian Peterson has not been convicted of a single thing. Even what he’s charged with is likely to lead to minimal, if any, judicial system punishment given the pervasively common use of switches by the jury of his peers. He ought not put his hands on his part-time kids ever again, but making him the face of child abuse and stripping him of his livelihood? That seems a bit abusive.

Yeah, that’s a picture above of Adrian Peterson adjusting hearing aids for disadvantaged kids in Uganda. When’s the last time you flew to Uganda to do something nice?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Toni Garrn Models Swimwear

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 12:29 PM

Toni Garrn Models Swimwear For Agua De Coco
Every time I see a picture of another model Leonardo Dicaprio is nailing, I get a little more jealous. I try not to, but that green-eyed monster is a bitch. Jealousy I mean, not this buck toothed Teuton. I want to Freaky Friday myself into Leo’s body for one evening of foreign model plundering. My story of winning the knock-off iPhone in the claw machine game at Fuddruckers has grown stale. I need another big win. C’mon, Olympus, Shazam me.

Photo Credit: Agua De Coco Beachwear

Joan Rivers Doc Took a Selfie While She Lay Unconscious

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 11:45 AM

Joan-Rivers-Portrait

America’s obsession with social media vanity has now murdered our nation’s fourth finest octogenarian female comic. It was only a matter of time before selfies went from being super obvious ego stroking visuals to pathological killers. According to CNN, which somebody watched once a decade ago, Joan Rivers doctor took a selfie in the procedure room while Joan was under sedation, just prior to the unauthorized biopsy that caused her to asphyxiate and go into cardiac arrest. In da’ room cutting up with @JoanRivers. I don’t know, I made that up. I bet he was noodling over some hashtags when her heart stopped.

Short of fucking the attending nurse over the vitals monitor as it flat-lined and just not caring, taking a selfie in a procedure where your patient fades out is pretty much the most asshole malpractice thing you can do. I’d blow up that selfie and stack it on an easel for the jury to see while I kept chanting, “Fifty million” waiting for the river of cash to make me feel whole again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Monica Lewinsky Is Anti-Fappening

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 11:20 AM

SNL-version-of-Tripp-and-Lewinsky

Like most magazines, Vanity Fair editors are hoping to die before their print editions are formally shut down. There’s no gimmick that won’t be tried to keep from being flushed. Vanity Fair hired Monica Lewinsky to pen a series of first-woman essays on topics important to their readers. Lewinsky seemed to run out of ideas after her first article where she laid on a couch seductively and waxed philosophically like she was Catherine Deneuve reflecting on a lifetime of cinematic sexuality. Somebody fed her the topic of the celebrity leaked photos for her next essay because it was topical and didn’t take much thought. Not so surprisingly, Lewinsky used the MS Word Thesaurus to come out against illegal personal intrusions:

It is immaterial that the recently purloined photos revealed under-dressed celebrities. And, yet, being human we often find ourselves torn between our own right to privacy and our dissolute desires as voyeurs and gossips in an image-and trivia-fueled culture. How much we indulge our inquiring minds is an individual choice. But certainly we can agree that stolen private nudes of actresses (or of anyone, really) is crossing the double yellow line.

Technically I think she means a double double yellow line. If I recall my DMV pamphlet, you can make a left turn across a double yellow line in a commercial district unless it’s a Tuesday or Adrian Peterson is your daddy. Lewinsky goes on to associate her own victimhood with that of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton who didn’t have cigars shoved up their twats by chubby letches, but female victimhood is a big tent.

If you’re like me, you don’t take sides in a social argument until Monica Lewinsky has weighed in. That’s not a fat joke unless you want it to be.

Beyonce Bikini Photos Shared by Beyonce

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 10:44 AM

Beyonce Bikini
If I was a hot bodied woman, I’d lock myself in a bedroom in front of a large mirror and masturbate myself until the fire department kicked down the door and put me in hand restraints. Even then I’d find a way to get my paws onto my tits and shove a seamen’s locker worth of objects up my cooch. I don’t blame Beyonce for sending out photos of herself in a bikini. It’s her version of holding up a high school diploma in a smiling family photo. Everybody should be proud of something. For the intellectually retarded, why not some T&A photos. We’re all God’s creatures.

Photo Credit: Beyonce