Little Rachel McGuire Is All Grown Up

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

The only thing that bullshit nostalgia is ever really good for is lining a studio’s or network’s pockets once the public starts acting like some old TV show was greater than it actually was. Case in point, Boy Meets World is getting a new spinoff series called Girl Meets World, because those kids weren’t terrible enough actors back in the 90s, and we should bring them back now as really terrible adult actors. However, Maitland Ward is starting to give me a change of heart about this negativity, as the actress who played Rachel McGuire on the original series attended last night’s premiere of A Haunted House 2 in Los Angeles. I’d watch Girl Meets World if it’s a show about Maitland wearing this dress with no bra or underwear as she travels the globe, twirling her hula hoop. That has to be good enough for at least three seasons before she turns 40 and I lose interest again.

Photo Credits: Getty

Paulina Gretzky Is the New Face of Golf

By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM

Paulina Gretzky Chesty In The May 2014 Issue Of Golf Digest
People who take golf super seriously are expressing concern over Paulina Gretzky raking in the cover of Golf Digest magazine. It’s supposed to be a serious periodical spanning the world of golf. People who subscribe believe that golf is a sport, as opposed to a game played largely by fat men in tan slacks. Paulina Gretzky doesn’t play the game. She’s just pretty fucking hot and getting married to a dude who does. A gaggle of talented lesbian pro golfers are wondering why they can’t earn a cover. People who follow magazines get pretty fucking sensitive about their covers. Vogue readers were pissed when Kim Kardashian shat herself onto the cover of their fashion bible. Readers were irate when the surviving Boston marathon bomber was shown looking supercool on the cover of Rolling Stone. And some impulsive folks start fires in the streets when they see black people on any cover. The magazines I get mostly feature good looking girls. I canceled my subscription to Maxim when Miley earned their sexiest girl in the universe spot. I stand on some principle. I don’t feel the rage over Paulina Gretzky and her tits being the face of Golf Digest. If she took off her top and pleasured herself with a putter, I’d probably get a three year subscription.

Photo Credit: Golf Digest

Megyn Kelly Takes On Jenny McCarthy In A Sexy News Segment (VIDEO)

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

In a recent op-ed in the Chicago Sun-Times, Jenny McCarthy made the very interesting claim that she is not and never has been “anti-vaccine,” despite her years of being a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccine movement. Instead, she’s blaming blogs for misquoting her after all this time, as she wrote that she’s always been cool with vaccines, and she just believes that certain kids should have to get less shots. Either way, the point all along should have been that if you take medical advice from Jenny Fucking McCarthy, then you should probably accept that your stupid ass had it coming.

Fox News eye candy Megyn Kelly smelled blood in the wet t-shirt contest and went to town on Jenny’s flip-flopping, as her millions of old white male viewers cheered her on. But the only real solution is for Megyn to have Jenny on her show for an actual debate, in which they have to use body paints on each other to make their points.

Bryan Singer’s Mutant Power Better Be Having A Great Lawyer

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Suddenly, Corey Feldman isn’t alone in his bizarre quest to prove that Hollywood is full of power-hungry pedophiles. A 31-year old man named Michael Egan is suing X-Men director Bryan Singer for $300,000 over “catastrophic psychological and emotional injuries” that he claims he suffered at his very groping hands. Specifically, Michael claims that he met Bryan at one of registered sex offender Marc Collins-Rector’s parties, and the director allegedly took a liking to the young man, who was 14 or 15 at the time. Bryan allegedly promised Michael a role in a movie, before he allegedly ruined his fucking life, according to the Daily Mail.

According to the lawsuit, Singer told Egan he was ‘sexy’ and went on to masturbate the underage boy and perform oral sex on him. The director then told Egan to do the same to him, but the then-minor says he resisted.

That allegedly caused Singer to push the boy’s head under water. When he finally got up for air, Singer again demanded he perform oral sex and when he refused for the second time, Singer took him out of the pool and forcibly sodomized him, Egan says.

Romance has changed so much since I was young. At least back then, a kid would get a nice lobster dinner before the powerful famous guy would rape him at a wealthy person’s house. It’s like nobody even cares about the little things anymore.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jenny McCarthy Is Marriage Material

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 3:17 PM


Jenny McCarthy has a new ring on her finger. And, no, it’s not the platinum band to signify her millionth child kill through ardently promoting the spread of preventable infectious disease. She’s engaged to Donnie Wahlberg, the former New Kids on the Block performer and present day, Police Detective #5 on numerous TV shows. Still, he’s Mark Wahlberg’s brother which makes him a definite catch by just a degree of separation. Already, the couple are planning on combining Jenny’s advanced knowledge of epidemiology gleaned from ‘some JuCo’ with Donnie’s highly practiced rhythmic dance moves to produce a series of educational videos for children called ‘Polio Means Mommy Loves Me’. Through song and dance, afflicted children will come to merrily accept their shorter life spans and extended stays coughing up blood in hospital wards. The whole family will cheer when Jenny herself comes out in leg braces and does the robot. Best of luck to Jenny and Donnie on their nuptials.

Heidi Klum Demands Your Titty Respect

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 2:42 PM

Heidi Klum Goes Topless At The Beach With Her New Boyfriend In Mexico
You can’t just want then, cougar cub, you need to say you want them. Heidi Klum has one rule when it comes to mounting the multitude of young cock she intends to ride because she’s 40 and rich and horny. You must appreciate the flapjacks. She will shove them in your face, ring the triangle and show them to the world, and even draw smiley faces on them for her children’s school carnivals. In all cases, respect the titties or get the fuck out. I’m not sure how young Frenchy is handling the supplication before his older girlfriend’s drooping yams. If he’s having an inkling to wonder why a chick with all the cash in the world wouldn’t get a 90210 light lift, he better hide it. Or the cougar moves on and you get none, son.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI

Dina Lohan’s Guilty Plea is a Passover Miracle

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Dina Lohan Goes To Court For Her DUI In Long Island

Considering Dina Lohan is what God had lined up next for the Egyptians if slaying the first born sons didn’t pan out, it seems blasphemous she and her attorney were invoking Passover to explain her miracle of no jail time in her guilty plea to driving super fucking drunk. She also was belligerent to the cops and made up fake charges about being assaulted, but that shit goes away when you have a well paid attorney:

Considering this is the first day of Passover, we were very pleased to receive an offer which would resolve her criminal case in Nassau County with a commitment of no jail, no probation, and that afforded her the opportunity to resume her driving privileges shortly. She felt this was a great beginning for the Holy week and she was happy with that result.

I guess this kind of religious pandering would be pretty pro forma, if you’re client was, oh, I don’t know, Jewish. I understand Dina’s Irish Catholic association with the rituals of the seder, most notably the drinking of four glasses of wine before wrapping her shaky fingers around her steering wheel and driving to her daughter’s place to find her stash. Still, this seems a bit profane. Under the precepts of celebrity justice, Dina’s license is being revoked but she’s still going to be allowed to drive. Which makes about as much sense as punishing Dina by making her blow on a device before miraculously having a working car. She’s been doing that since she was a teen.

Lake Bell Strips In Esquire

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

Lake Bell Strips For The May Issue Of Esquire
I can’t abide people who use old memes and then feel obliged to explain them as if they’d just invented fire. I remember drunk discussing Lake Bell with an old roommate who told me she was the ultimate Hollywood butterface, then felt compelled to explain the meaning of the pun. I found myself becoming filled with a shapeless rage. It’s not the sexism that bothers me, it’s the lack of grounding. Unless you’re Leonardo Dicaprio and you’re pulling a different world class lingerie model for every time somebody made a gay joke about you in middle school, you’re pushing that same set of Sisyphean balls up the lady hill we all are. You’d run over your tightest bro’s before ho’s buddy for the chance to lay biblically upon Lake Bell. That’s the power of truth that surged down my arm and into my fist as I punched him square in his man titties, Fucking Craigslist.

Photo Credit: Esquire