Anne Hathaway Learns to Love Herself

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 12:29 PM

There comes a time in every truly obnoxious person’s life when they must accept the fact that only their opinion of themselves matters. It’s not easy completely dismissing the thoughts of the rest of the world and embracing the indisputable truth of your own ego. But if you are to be one super twatty annoying piehole, this is a must. Anne Hathaway tells the dig deeper journalists at Elle magazine that fame used to be a bitch because she cared too much about what people thought of her. Now she’s free from any concern over social judgement and so much happier for it:

I’ve realized that I don’t need validation from anybody. At all. I’m not sitting here now worrying, ‘What do you think of me?’ With all due respect, you seem like a lovely lady, but I don’t need you, or anyone else, to like me. And that’s so liberating.

Fuck yeah. Wallow in your own slather of wonderful me and shit bubbles of joy into the ether. Here’s the thing though, this plan never fucking works. Certain sociopaths and elementary school teachers can live a content existence not giving a damn what people think of them, but actors in Hollywood can only talk this talk. They feed off adoration. A tiger can’t change its stripes. And nobody likes a cunty tiger.

Photo Credit: Elle UK

Jas and Ness Rose Are Seeking Opportunity

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 11:57 AM

Jas and Ness Rose Share Instagram And Amber Roses Name
I get the instinct to fuck your way famous in Hollywood. If you’re reasonably attractive and can squeal in the sack, it’s a short cut through all the other forms of pseudo prostitution the ugly people must endure. Jas and Ness Rose, the street fashion designing twins who jointly sister banged Wiz Khalifa out of his marriage to Amber Rose are working their Instagram account for maximum vagina recognition. Social media commenters who carry the righteousness of Moses and the spelling of a developmentally delayed preschooler felt the need to put these sisters in context:

Nasty insesting sister …fucking the manz married , yall sum bottom of the barrel bitches

That’s actually more profound than the syntax might let on. Though I’m not sure fucking the same guy is technically incest, it’s just Happy Fun Special #11 on the Jass and Ness menu.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Ebola Seems to Be Doing Well in Dallas

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 11:29 AM


It turns out Ebola patient zero, Thomas Duncan, went to the emergency room in Dallas last week with a high fever and the admitting staff kind of forgot to note that Duncan specifically informed him that he was visiting from Liberia. You know, the epic water slides and Ebola capital of the world. That hospital sent him home with antibiotics and some Welcome to America gift packs and coupons to see the Southfork Ranch.

It’s like a grungy chick from Colombia showing up with intense stomach pains. X-Ray that shit for condoms. I’d quarantine a dude from West Africa if he came in with a hang nail. Now the CDC is hurriedly tracking down everybody Duncan came in contact with between the time he was released from the emergency room last Friday and the time he was spewing Ebola in the back of an ambulance headed to the lock down room at Dallas Presbyterian. It’s a bunch of people. Including kids. Fuck, we love kids. The next time somebody tells you Ebola doesn’t spread in countries like the U.S. because of our super smart modern medical practices, just laugh to yourself and climb into some hazmat gear that will hold you until 2020 when the sign language apes take over.

Photo credit: ABC/Good Morning America

MIranda Kerr Seems To Have Tits

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 10:02 AM

MIranda Kerr Wears A Deep Plunge Dress In Paris
The best thing about these inane Parisian fashion shows is seeing tons and tons of half-naked models. That and the fresh baguettes and the discounted admission fees to the French Museum of Epic Surrenders. Also the saucy river whores will snuff out their cigarettes before rim jobs if you speak just enough French to say tar irritates my rectum. But mostly it’s the tits.

Miranda Kerr was under the press gun in Paris because Justin Bieber who she might have let finger her snatch at an after party was roaming around Paris with Selena Gomez, who her ex-husband fucked for Shakespearean style revenge. There was also that nerd fight at Cannes between Justin and Orlando that ended when each side produced a doctor’s note showing they suffer from low muscle tone. It’s like high school band drama, except everybody’s got professionals helping them hide their acne. Miranda immediately changed the subject by wearing a super revealing dress. Nice tits mean you never have to raise your voice.

Photo Credit: Splash

Beyonce Vacation Photos Heavy on the Beyonce

By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 9:39 AM

Beyonce Curated Bikini Photos
You’ve just got to see my vacation photos. There’s me in my bikini. Me in my bikini on the beach. Me in my fabulous beachwear. Me kicking sand. There’s me being playful in my beachwear but in the cabana so no sand. Take a seat. I’ve got five more albums. Who wants a vegan lemon drop?

Beyonce’s Wonder of Me life tour continued with her curated photos of her weekend family vacation somewhere in the nation of France. Beyonce surpasses even Disney Annual pass holders in ratio of selfies taken on holiday. The Disney nerds are often alone, so they have an excuse. Beyonce threw in a couple photos of her stripper named baby that were Skyped in from her toddler labor and makeup camp in Greenland. But mostly the photos showed Beyonce posing with her legs together so she didn’t need to tip a dude from the Marseilles University of Phoenix to Photoshop in a decent gap. I’d be lying if I didn’t say Beyonce seems to be living the life. It’d be nice to see the superstar going into the schools and inspiring slow-witted children to dream big. Nobody ever gives rousing speeches in the summer remedial classes. It’s time.

Photo Credit: Beyonce

Stella McCartney Blind To The Times

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 8:11 AM


Stella McCartney got a lot of heat from her Instagram followers after posting a photo of a sickly looking model who probably needs a steak sandwich or twenty. Somebody’s got to sell the McCartney’s Summer 2015 collection of overpriced crap. A portion of the proceeds go to charity, although a larger portion go to McCartney’s third mortgage. After the post many of Stella’s followers freaked out and started a campaign to unfollow her on Instagram, the modern equivalent of being Ghandi for about four seconds. McCartney took the offending photo down and replaced it with a hotter model wearing the same shitty garment. Suck on that, haters.

Usually people who taunt a girl for being too skinny are bored fat chicks who think curves means you eat ice cream for lunch. Sometimes also their boyfriends who love the feeling of being smothered during sex because of something horrible that happened in their childhood. I rarely find myself on the boney chick shaming side, but clearly something other than this girl’s shoulders is askew. It’s possible this rail thin E.T. scarfs down three Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts with a 900-calorie Jamba Juice finisher by eight am. But even more possible she exists on the small arthropods she can pick clean from the leaves in her live-in terrarium. It’s probably too late to get back the dough her parents paid to secrete her in a cargo container at age fourteen, but it’s never too late to pick her up and beat the crap out of Stella McCartney with her crumbly bones.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

The NFL Prostrates Itself

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 7:45 AM


The NFL said the Kansas City Chiefs’ Husain Abdullah should not have gotten a penalty flag for Unsportsmanlike Conduct when he slid to his knees for a quick Muslim prostration end zone celebration on Monday Night Football. The league issued a statement clarifying their policy of being completely whitewashed and pussified, yet somehow chalk full of violent criminals:

“The officiating mechanic in this situation is not to flag a player who goes to the ground as part of religious expression, and as a result, there should have been no penalty on the play.”

Religious expressions are fine. It’s the sliding where you get the infraction. You can score a touchdown, imitate the beheading of a Western journalist, and yell death to America, just no fucking sliding. It’s bad for the turf. In general, players are encouraged to wait until after the game and properly celebrate by popping off rounds in a nightclub. Abdullah agreed with the league and found a way to make his religious expression conform technically to the NFL’s policy of making their players appear as soulless drones:

“The prostration is all right. It’s the slide. Come to a full stop, get down, make the prostration, get up and get out.”

Abdullah is taking the inconsequential incident in stride, proving all Muslims are not insane extremists looking to twist everything into an assault on their faith. Also that my ignorant Muslim beheading stereotype was pretty out of bounds. Only a minuscule fraction of Muslims have any interest in beheading you. Though if you happen to run into one, those remote stats probably won’t offer you much consolation.

Tom Brady’s god Jesus was not available for comment on why he allowed the pick six in the first place.

Did Lacey Chabert Un-Fuck Her Way Out of Family Guy?

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 7:11 AM


Lacey Chabert voiced the role of Meg Griffin the first season of Family Guy but left under unexplained circumstances. She was replaced by Mila Kunis who has helped entertain stoned high school freshmen ever since. Chabert claims she voluntarily left after the first season:

“I actually left the show of my own accord. And only because I was in school and doing Party Of Five at the time. But I think the show is hilarious, and don’t have a grudge against her at all. I think she’s a great actress.”

Nobody leaves a voiceover gig on their own accord. You show up to a sound booth a couple hours a week in sweatpants and wait for never-ending checks to arrive in your mailbox. Dudes with throat cancer will try to voice that shit through their stoma to keep the easy money rolling in. Seth MacFarlane chimed in with a vague recollection of the ordeal:

“I think there was a mistake in her contract, and I guess she had not intended to be involved for, like, the full run of the show. I don’t even remember. To be honest, I don’t really, to this day, know what it was. It was nothing –- there was no tension or anything.”

That makes sense. A small, irrevocable clerical error in Chabert’s contract led to her being ousted from a successful show she kind of wanted no part in anyhow, Maybe her cousin had a lead in for her on assistant manager gig at Chili’s in Century City.  Or, you know, Seth McFarlane tried to fuck her and she declined. Consider that just a personal theory among friends. You shouldn’t really speculate when it comes to jobs at Chili’s.

Photo Credit: Instagram