Uncle Terry Captures Johnny Depp’s Gay Wife

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 12:53 PM

Amber Heard Goes To Terry For Interview Magazine
People who were writing Terry Richardson off into perv Conventry lacked a basic understanding of how the modeling business works. It’s like complaining to Caligula about men covering their naked bodies in Easy Cheese and having the fish nibble their shlongs in the public pools. It’s only go to excite him. You he’ll have murdered. Wet blanket. Terry Richardson has been triple booked since allegations of him slapping his peen across the cheeks of numerous Slovakian models came to light. In particular A-list celebrities are lining up to enter his studio for his creepy polaroid style photos. It’s not that they don’t care about Uncle Terry pegging Eastern European waifs in his BDSM dungeon, it’s just that they don’t care as much as they want decent cover photos for major magazines. Nobody wins here except for everybody not from Budapest.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson For Interview Magazine

Charlotte McKinney Has Serious Tits And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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There are tits, there are great tits, and then there are Charlotte McKinney’s tits. They are in a category all by themselves. They are the pinnacle of tit mountain.

Check out her ridiculous cleavage. (Hollywood Tuna)

Edita Vilkeviciute opens her robe to show her luscious titty balls. (Egotastic)

WWE’s Tammy “Sunny” Sytch has a six figure deal with Vivid for her sex tape. (TMZ)

Anastasia Ashley is in a bikini just for you. (Drunken Stepfather)

Vanessa Hudgens does not like wearing a bra. (Popoholic)

Janice Dickinson is suing famed rapist Bill Cosby for defamation for saying the whole rape thing is a lie. (The Superficial)

You know what’s awesome? Tits and ass. (The Chive)

Kendall Jenner Stuns a Bunch of Dudes With Fake Looking Cameras

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 10:57 AM

Kendall Jenner Bare Midriff At Youth Premiere In Cannes
Kendall Jenner shocked the crowd at Cannes because everybody assumed she wasn’t invited. Jenner did adhere to the dress code with her heels, for which not only did she not complain, but also promised to keep on throughout the evening if her incontinent suitor threw in a Bugatti lease. Kendall rebuffed all tough questions about her unexpected appearance at a film festival by mechanically responding that her dad was becoming a woman and she supports him one thousand percent. In her mind, that is a real number. If she was mute and her left arm functioned as a universal remote, she’d be nearly perfect. I feel horrible for saying that, but relieved that we can be honest here.

Photo Credit: Getty

Ela Rose in A Bikini

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 10:20 AM

Ela Rose Cleavage In White Bikini In Malibu
I’ve decided to surrender to these water monkeys shooting their thrice daily bikinis shoots in Malibu. What have you done to give a man a boner today? If you actually have an answer, keep it to yourself. Killer cult, drought lawn watering snitches, bandwagon hockey fans, I don’t give a shit. They’re doing something close to charitable by trotting out Swedish models and instructing them to shake their bottoms as if the fate of the world stood on their ass cheeks. It just might.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Queen Latifah Topless, Do I Smell an Oscar? I Smell Something

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 9:17 AM

Queen Latifah Topless In The Movie Bessie
It’s an unstated rule in Hollywood that if an actress wants to win a big award she has to bare both her soul and her body on screen in some unflattering manner. I could have gone an entire three lifetimes without seeing Queen Latifah naked. I’m not sure why her quest for a trophy has to involve the discomfort of so many others. In the HBO original film Bessie, Queen Latifah plays Depression era performer Bessie Smith who according to the script was very comfortable with her full-figured body. This was life before fat shaming on Twitter. Not so Utopian now, is it?

Photo Credit: “Bessie” HBO

Titty Restaurants Don’t Think Much of Men

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 9:03 AM

Twin-Peaks-Waitresses

When not serving as the designated sight for biker gang rumbles, the Twin Peaks restaurant chain is serving out a heaping Texas sized serving of sexism. But it’s not the women being objectified. Okay, it is the women being objectified showing off their tits and ass and begging for tips in short skirts and garters, but it’s also the male customers. According to a leaked internal Twin Peaks memo, somewhat akin to the Snowden NSA classified documents release, the female servers at Twins Peaks restaurants are encouraged to see their male customers as ego-starved cavemen who want to be made to look good with female attention in front of their buddies. Rule number one, don’t ever ask a male customer what they’re thinking or offer anything other than the most shallow conversational setup. Just flash your tits in his direction and remind the guy picking up the tab that he has broad shoulders and nature compels you to want his babies pounded into you. The ugliest part about sexism isn’t the way in which it blindly groups genders into thoughtless stereotypes, it’s the way in which it does it so accurately.

Pamela Anderson Seems Concerned

By Lex May 21, 2015 @ 8:13 AM

Pamela Anderson Showers For Peta
The wide eyed animal lovers at PETA are pushing a line that cows are water hugging motherfuckers who will be the parched death of us all. I don’t know if that’s true. I feel confident I could take out a cow if it came down to me versus bovine for the final watering hole. During Gore’s global warming stampede PETA was buying ads to remind people that cow farts were cooking the planet and asphyxiating disabled children who sing hymnals from their attic windows. For an animal they seem hell bent on saving, PETA sure does have a poor opinion of cows. I’m a burger lover and I’ve never said a bad word about Guernseys in my life. Shower all you want, you will never be clean.

Photo Credit: David LaChapelle For Peta

Heels Are the Tools of French Oppressors

By Lex May 20, 2015 @ 12:11 PM

Emily-Blunt-in-Heels-at-Cannes

Actress Emily Blunt joined a chorus of up to three other people who complained about the Cannes Film Festival insisting that women walking the red carpet wear heels rather than flats. Formal attire has been the rule at this inane film festival since forever. Gowns and heels for women. Men in black tie with all accoutrements also black or white only. Even monochromatic condoms must be deployed in the bathroom glory holes. Barebacking is très gauche and even more offensive than heels. The shoe outrage got wrapped up into the sexism in the movie industry debate when people intentionally tried to confuse the two because they’re boring and predictable.

Finding little traction in their outrage because they’re rich and silly and nobody gives a shit about rich and silly people complaining about their ten thousand dollar shoes, the heel protestors started suggesting that the elderly and disabled were also being turned away from the Palais when arriving in flats. Damn you, Frenchies. It’s one thing to codify your blanket hatred of women, another when you start spitting on the handicapped. Double amputee? I care not. Put on those stilettos or turn the fuck around.  A very shitty European movie is about to begin. This is an outrage. I think. Meh, just go with it and Tweet something with lots of exclamation points. Better safe than sorry.

Photo credit: GettyImages