Jasmine Tridevil Has Three Tits

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 12:09 PM

Jasmine Tridevil Gets Third Breast Implant
Jasmine Tridevil, I’m going to assume that isn’t her real given name, decided that the best way to get herself an MTV reality show was to implant a third crappy breast in between her other two. She thinks MTV loves a cheap freak show with tits for its reality lineup. She’s right. Jasmine’s biggest issue was finding a plastic surgeon willing to deform her just for the tridevil of it. Get it? Fuck you, I’m still getting over Hope Solo’s Beefaroni.

Jasmine says the first fifty plastic surgeons she approached turned her down. Which in Floriday means you have to go an additional block to find the titty doctor who will take your cash. Jasmine’s family has entirely disowned her since the procedure. They were fine with her as a 20-year old two-titted out-call masseuse, that’s a Tampa high achiever, but three tits, don’t you come knocking on the trailer door where you grow’d up. Life has always been punitive to the bold. Those daring innovators willing to put their own well-being at risk to push the envelope of human endeavor. That is, until the four titted chick comes along and Jasmine becomes the horse and buggy in the age of the automobile. I’d call MTV and  try to move things along.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Ray Rice Claims He Was Mis-Framed

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 11:14 AM

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Ray Rice’s chief line of defense in appealing his indefinite suspension from the NFL will reportedly be that his World Star Hip Hop Wife Fight was unfairly edited. The video making rounds was released by TMZ, and aside from it sparking an unsolicited meltdown from your one lesbian friend at Happy Hour, it also fucked up Rice’s fight scene continuity. TMZ edited out the boring parts of Rice’s knockout like ESPN does the uneventful rounds on Friday Night Fight re runs. TMZ explained they originally released the full version of the incident and then cut it down because their audience lacks the control to halt their sweets indulging while hemming for something gratuitous as they complain about not finding any Real Men Out There. TMZ explained:

“As we initially reported, the original raw video was jerky . . . so we removed the reverse frames.”

I’m no James Cameron, which is why I am suspicious of this explanation since it offers no elaboration. Its like listening to Dr Oz talk about toxins. Every fiber tells you it’s bullshit but you are too dumb to explain why. Rice will most likely be proven correct on a technicality, yet the NFL lacks three branches of government and he will still be 9 ironed on his way out of arbitration by Goodell’s thugs. There are a lot of ways to take this, but being an argumentative asshole who got kicked out of the party is not going to get you back into it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Alicia Keys’ Message Lacks Focus

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 10:52 AM

AK

Alicia Keys or someone with more money than its author paid for an op in the New York Times which takes on the controversial view that she is amazing. Pulling every punch, the suck fest explains how Keys’ heart wrenching decision to take ten minutes and finger paint a peace sign onto her swollen pregnant gut is a gesture of heroism worthy of a Purple Heart:

“Alicia Keys said she knew this image would draw attention, which is just what she wants as she builds an army of fans who want to make the world a better place for all.”

Keys took $1 million dollars of personal tax write offs and donated to a variety of charities. She encourages her fans to do the same, presumably unless they run out of pancake mix for the children after paying Ticketmaster’s $12 dollar service fees to watch her lecture them between loud covers at The Garden. Keys laid out in detail the charities those who want to change the world should donate to, preferably without researching their payroll situations:

“All Out, a gay rights organization; CARE, the aid group; Equal Justice Initiative, which combats racial inequity in the criminal justice system; the Future Project, which empowers high school students in America; Girl Rising, which supports girls’ education around the world; Keep a Child Alive, which helps children affected by H.I.V. and AIDS; Moms Rising, which supports universal prekindergarten, maternal leaves and tighter gun laws; Oxfam, which fights global poverty; Partners in Health, which tackles disease worldwide; the Trevor Project, which prevents suicide among gay and lesbian youths; the Trayvon Martin Foundation, which fights racial profiling; and War Child, which supports children in conflict areas.”

Her effort must be commended, yet Keys failed to explicitly detail the most crucial part of her quest to save humanity from the 0.7 percent of humanity making more coin than her. One can give all the money in the world but we will not see real change until we pose naked and paint our temporarily engorged torsos with meaningless and simplified symbols proven to be futile. If there was one thing we learned in Vietnam, it’s that everyone is full of shit.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Casey Batchelor Got a Tit Reduction

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:21 AM

Casey Batchelor Wears A Green Bikini In Dubai
British reality star Casey Batchelor just had her tits reduced from grotesquely large to a mere cartoonishly large. She took her ass in a bikini to Dubai to show the wealthy gentlemen of the region how a woman with with a mere double-E’s can still look ladylike. I’m not sure who the fuck still picks the Middle East as a vacation destination. I realize that not all countries in the region are war torn capitals of beheadings and tire burnings. Just most. If I knew nine of the thirteen Canadian provinces were drowning children in pools of maple syrup and Labatt’s Blue for refusing to sing Leafs’ fight songs, I’d probably cancel my next pussy hunting trip with Rob Ford. Big tits give you power, but they also make you reckless.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Victoria Silvstedt on the Hunt in Manhattan

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 10:08 AM

Victoria Silvstedt Wears Leather Skirt While In NYC
You’ve got 300,000 people marching in New York City because a cyclist standing at the edge of Battery Park might get his Shimanos wet in 2147. Meanwhile Victoria Silvstedt is roaming the streets of Gotham this very day prepared to take down another wealthy old fat midget. We can find more bicycle riders to stare out wistfully over New York Harbor and dream of a world with no cars. Short fat wealthy guys are what makes our American economy function. We keep letting Victoria Silvstedt and her starfish like everted vagina pick these key midgets off, our entire monetary system could collapse. If Jeremy Renner ran the Fed, he’d do what has to be done.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Scout And Tallulah Willis in Bondage

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Scout Willis And Tallulah Willis Pose In Bondage Gear Together
I bet Taullulah Willis didn’t tell her rehab counselors her transition back to unsupervised life began with a incestuous topless mistress leather photo shoot with her sister in New York. Lindsay Lohan figured out by the third rehab that you tell the doctors you’re going to move-in with your stable Aunt Helen and read books and do nothing but be the best you you can be for the next three months. You don’t need Oprah getting on your shit. I think there’s some ancient Chinese proverb about two Willis jaws meeting and the earth ending in a volcano of fire. Running would be useless at this point, but I’d still recommend looking away so it’s not the last thing you see before the molten core goes blooey.

Photo Credit: Todd Pendu

Waterfront Ballparks and The Rest of Us Doomed

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 8:51 AM

AT&T-Park-Underwater
The People’s Climate March took place in New York City over the weekend in an effort to thwart our planet’s pending doom. I can’t remember exactly when we all go underwater and get eaten by irate polar bears, but I think it’s next March. Don’t fall for renewing any baseball season tickets. Just look at what happens to AT&T Park in this completely predictable artist-rendered happenstance of ocean levels rising by just twelve feet while we watch our fancy TVs and microwave our popcorn. Your pretty waterfront park won’t seem so pretty when home plate is flooded beneath a pool of shame and regret.

Nothing says a true march of the people more than when Al Gore shows up with a pre-printed placard, alongside the U.N. Secretary General and the wealthy foreign minister of France and they all discuss how the melting polar ice cap might affect their Cayman Island bank accounts. Of course, the polar ice caps are growing, but don’t tell that to the children holding random doomsday and Kill Israel signs on the backs of their parents. I believe the children our are future. Also, currently, they are the most knowledgable global climate scientists we have.

You can never go wrong betting against the doomsdayers. They’re 0-for-the past several thousands years and running.

Photo Credit: Splash

Gabrielle Union Plays the Race Card (also the Woman Card and the Kid Card)

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 6:21 AM

Gabrielle-Union-on-Allure-magazine

Gabrielle Union says she’s calling the FBI over her leaked nude photos. She insists they were private keepsakes meant for just her and Dwyane Wade and maybe Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife if he chose to show them to her to taunt her about the hot new celebrity pussy he was getting. I’m sure a top level agent at the Hoover Building is handling all the late night calls from celebrities. The Feds must have read Gabrielle and Dwyane’s impressive joint statement on their hate crime attack:

I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide.

Only by matching public relations forces could they come up with comparing the leaking of Gabrielle showing off her tits in the bathroom to the institutionalized rape and subjugation of millions. I remember when a kid in sixth grade gym pantsed me in front of some girls. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Armenian genocide. I wish System of a Down had been there to play me out of the gym.

Gabrielle’s next letter should be to the leading celebrity media outlets wondering why her name wasn’t mentioned in any of their celebrity hacked photo stories today. Now that’s some racist child victimizing shit right there.