By Lex November 28, 2014 @ 9:19 AM
Katy Perry skipped the American Music Awards earlier this week because she was winning an even bigger award in Australia, the rake of half a mill a night in appearance fees. Also, the Australians made up some kind of accolate to give her since they know they have to try just a little harder to get the cool people to come to their parties because they live so far away. Katy Perry was pretty much the only person not to show up to the AMA’s despite being honored by the super important bogus awards. This puts her in Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson territory where you have other people accept major awards on your behalf because you’re busy getting baked and watching the laser show at the planetarium. Player. She had a better week than Ferguson.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
The only talented one from Oasis missed a deposition for a child support hearing regarding a chick he knocked up in New York City. This wasn’t any random skank, but a skank who happened to be a journalist writing an all access profile for the New York Times when the married inebriate finished inside her. It’s called journalism. Gallagher lives in London and his lawyers claimed he could not make the proceedings because he was sick. Though not so sick he and his buddies couldn’t watch a soccer match in a pub and post the photos to Facebook. For every liar there is an idiot buddy who loves Facebook who ruins everything.
Though Gallagher is not technically fibbing. He is an alcoholic. A disease like no other. If you have dog bite, you go to the vet. If you’re vomiting bile you get an Irish Car Bomb. Why is this defense accepted when you run over a homeless guy but not when you miss a flight for a child support hearing? I back Gallagher for getting the treatment he deserves. If the courts in New York can’t understand this, to hell with them. Award money to the world’s least objective reporter and spend the next ten years trying to collect it from a guy dying from cirrhosis across the ocean.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 8:07 AM
Scott Stapp has apparently been doing huge amounts of meth, as evidenced by a video he made denying he is doing huge amounts of meth. Its a variation of the old adage If You Have To Ask. If you’re going to issue a statement proclaiming your sanity it’s best not to do it holed up in a cheap hotel room looking like Iggy Pop’s AIDS ridden Great Uncle. Unfortunately the impulse which leads you to post rambling conspiratorial videos to Facebook is the same one that told you to take that extra hit off the pipe. Its called being wicked high on meth. Stapp has been receiving welfare checks and sleeping in his car. He also claims all his money has gone missing. I think I know the culprit. The dude’s name is Evil Scott Stapp. He only comes out after Pius Scott tastes his magic pixie dust.
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
Floyd Mayweather is being sued by his ex fiancee Shantel Jackson because he allegedly beat the shit out of her and publicly outed her for having an abortion. She sees this as an invasion of privacy and definitely no way to impress a lady. Floyd thinks making his former fetus Thanksgiving dinner conversation for the masses serves as a worthwhile tribute. Mayweather insists that his actions did not cross any lines because Jackson was in a relationship with him, thereby making her a public figure and fair game for abortion shaming. He has a point. If you don’t want to be a public figure, stop getting punched in the face by Floyd Mayweather. People have come to expect a certain standard of normalcy. To deny them this would be plain selfish, you baby killer. Here’s some concealer.
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 6:38 AM
Richard Sherman protested his teammate Marshawn Lynch’s $100,000 dollar fine levied by the NFL for not speaking to the media after a recent game. NFL rules clearly state players must tell reporters tired lines like ‘one game at a time’ and ‘we left it all out on the field’ and ‘we got faith in each other’ so that we can pretend interviewing guys took some criminology at Central Florida is going to produce insight into the human condition. Sherman thought it’d be hilarious to mock the NFL with a shoddy comedy routine with a cardboard cutout in front of the media. Sherman’s point was simple: force me to speak to the press and I’m going to be insolent as fuck. Sure its hypocritical the NFL is sponsored by Budweiser but won’t allow its players to endorse alcoholic products, although I’m pretty sure Bud Light is healthier than Chunky Soup. The league is not going to stand for this. Look for Sherman to be called for some questionable holding penalties in coming weeks and for Roger Goodell to tell Ray Rice he can come back if he shows his loyalty by planting crack in Sherman’s locker. Nobody fucks with The Jesus.
By Lex November 27, 2014 @ 9:16 AM
Obama pardoned an Ebola riddled turkey and launched it free from the West Wing balcony so no single person should know the stigma of Ebola. This year, we’ll all be dead by Christmas. Cancel the shopping. Spend time with your loved ones and write a goodbye note to that family in Guatemala you’re supporting on forty-seven cents a day. Happy Thanksgiving. This is your fault.
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Girls without bras shopping for lingerie is a much needed break from watching 99-Cent stores burn to the ground. Angry mobs around the country are outraged at cops, and apparently at the former Vietnamese boat people who worked their asses off to own 99-Cent stores. I don’t know what possesses people to turn to fire in their destructive frenzy. I’ve thrown a punch or two in anger, but never felt the villainy to construct an incendiary device and destroy somebody else’s work. I remember the kid back in middle school who was always leaning toward fire to deal with his pubescent frustration. That kid who had pocketed his dad’s lighter and waved it around behind the gym like he was the actual inventor of fire. We all just assumed he had water on the brain and would be dead before he got a driver’s license. I guess he made it to Ferguson. This was supposed to be about tits.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 12:59 PM
Nobody understands the aroma of rogue love better than Rihanna. It might smell like the back of Chris Brown’s hand or the taste of a Barbados fishing charter boat deck after too many mojitos and Strawberry Cough, but mostly to Rihanna, it smells like:
…that moment when love first hits you with a wild rush that goes through your whole body, A mixture of fresh citrus and succulent peach with juicy berries.
I’ve ever experienced that kind of fruit-filled sensual rush before. Though I’ve come close while erotically perusing a farmer’s market with Emmanuelle in Bangkok. Rogue Love is so complex, it requires yet another paragraph of overwrought description:
The scent is likened to the fluttering of the love-struck heartbeat with layers upon layers of lush, rich florals. The petals are a radiant texture with vibrant colors of honeysuckle, jasmine and orchid splashed with the simply irresistible seduction of coconut”
I’m from the northern climates so I’m going to assume I can substitute the seductive scent of moldy keg lines and Frank’s Hot Sauce for coconuts when tapping the erotic memories in my own hippocampus. I’m not sure who buys this shit at $70 a pop, but I’m guessing it’s the millions and millions of people I like to pretend don’t run this planet because we can’t possibly be that naive.