Britney Spears wants to get married in Elvis’ Graceland mansion. Brit is talking to Lisa Marie Presley to see if she will let Britney get hitched to her latest boyfriend, David Lucado, in the famously garish house. Elvis’ home is basically the Vatican for hillbillies, a mecca for Southern girls like Britney. This is Britney’s third marriage so she really wants to go big. You never know if there’s going to be a fourth, she’s already thirty-two. Kim Kardashian is facing the same issue heading into her third marriage. Kim’s choosing a big TV wedding in France. I’m guessing both girls will still wear white, it remains the easiest way to mask all the semen.
If you look at Courtney Stodden and you see a dumb cluck Barbie trying to tramp her way into a job, then you are probably giving her way too much credit. She’s just an autonomic brain stem with big tits. We’ve had the technology to build a robot version of Courtney Stodden since about 1832. The only issue is price. Courtney has a new older manager-boyfriend after leaving her older manager-husband. The new manager has stepped up Courtney’s career by setting up paid train rides in various public restrooms and getting her into a segment on the E! gay canned screamer, Hello Ross. It’s a big showcase for Courtney, who appears in Etiquette School with Justin Bieber’s weed connect, Lil Twist. It’s funny you see because neither of those two are very classy people, and because both are easily erasable smudges on the Hollywood fame whore landscape, they didn’t cost E! anything. After watching Etiquette school, I was left with the impression that we were too hasty in eradicating the more deadly communicable diseases God gave us to cull the herd.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
When I think about how Kardashian proximity has emasculated former lunch box hero Bruce Jenner, I want to punch Kris Jenner in her girdle restricted paunch so hard that Khloe passes gas. Maybe this guy was a ticking estrogen time bomb from birth, but there’s no disputing that living in a freak show for twenty years is going to rub you off a little freaky. Based on my projections, we’ve got six months, plus or minus two weeks, before we see Bruce on TMZ in a sullen mug shot wearing way too much eyeliner and an off-centered pigtail. I’m just glad his kids are already indignant high school dropouts so this couldn’t possibly harm them.
Photo credit: INF Photo
I wonder if the Russians are angry that all their good looking women flee the country the second their breasts appear. I’m guessing in places like Somalia, when the next chick who looks like Iman comes along, the tribes gather together to fill a straw bowl full of dried starvation berries and shove her toward London or New York with a grateful heart. But Russians remain very proud of their empire, such as it stands. Did you see those opening ceremonies in Sochi? That’s big cock type strutting. I wonder if all this Russian aggression is just because they want their sexy women back. The ones they can screw with the lights on. Don’t tell me that theory doesn’t make more sense than anything you’ve heard yet on the news.
Photo Credit: La Clover
I despise TV people. The morning mannequins rank somewhere between hyper-aggressive pedophiles and the Kardashians in terms of people we need to rocket to the moon several decades ahead of any life-sustaining technologies. Here’s this innocent kid ‘Colin’. He’s somewhere on the autism spectrum, you know because he’s cute as a fucking button but horribly socially awkward and his hobby is bow ties. This country’s got hundreds of thousands of these little Bill Gates boys muddling around these days. They’re harmless, until they get power and crush all the boring normals. Colin’s mom is a good and decent fat mom who cried her eyes out when Colin said he didn’t want a birthday party because he has no friends. Which he doesn’t, because he’s busy with his bow ties and subconsciously working on Windows 2020 to enslave another generation of PC users.
His mom started a secret Facebook campaign to get people around the world to send Colin shout outs and warm wishes for his upcoming birthday. If you know Facebook, this worked like fucking gangbusters, with millions of responses from around the world. If you know morning talk show producers, then you know they caught wind of this feel good story and decided it had to be exploited for ratings by their radish-brained smiling makeup faces. So it turned into a big Good Morning America surprise party for Colin, who they lied to and told he was going to New York to test out video games. Instead they set him up for a national TV reveal that he’s an awkward kid with no friends. Then they let loose a horribly lame GMA sound stage party. Even the stiffy hosts Robin Roberts and George Stephanopoulos revealed an inkling of discomfort at the TV circus at the autistic boys expense. For his part, Colin stood there frozen wondering where the fuck his video games were and making a mental list of who he’d kill first with his homemade bow tie laser gun. Fuck you, TV people. When you get disintegrated, I’m going to applaud.
Completely unfounded and unsubstantiated reports seem to indicate that the decent and upstanding executives at Viacom might cancel the Sam & Cat show on Nickelodeon because its co-star Jennette McCurdy had photos of her titties in lingerie leaking across the Internet. Apparently, this pushed the standards beyond what is acceptable for the television distributors of Teen Mom and Buckwild. Of course, they’re not really going to cancel shit if it’s making money. They’d livestream honor killings of raped preteens in Pakistan if they could find a lucrative sponsor. That’s show business. It also demands that something futile be done by somebody in trumped up reaction to the lingerie photos and the very lonely mildly retarded people who complain how they somehow hurt the children. What if these kids grow up to wear lingerie themselves? Fuck, that would be horrible. While Jennette McCurdy remains completely ashamed at looking super hot, she can probably count on playing a goofy brand-safe teenager on television until she’s 40.
Leaving no rock unturned, the foreign pod people supervising the extinction of the human race by way of their fruity packaged water got Don Ho’s daughter in her underwear at the beach. It’s a sign of something particularly heinous. Or it’s possible Kea Ho was just drunk and accidentally walked onto the photo set. It’s not easy being Do Ho’s daughter. First, you have to remind everybody who the hell Don Ho is.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
With Daylight Savings Time it’s been nearly twenty-three actual hours since Nicki Minaj shared photos of herself. She’s usually showering or rehearsing for work or taking a dump off-camera. Sometimes I feel like I’m living with Nicki Minaj, besides the sole benefit that would make such an arrangement tolerable.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram