Kylie Jenner Had a Good Weekend

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 1:41 PM

Kylie Jenner Had A Good Weekend
It’s hard to argue that somebody who dresses like they want, goes where they want, fucks who they want is some kind of slave to anything but their own id. Not everybody is Stephen Hawking when it comes to their purpose on earth. Somebody has to explain the cosmos. Somebody has to be the Coachella after party fuck toy. Kim Kardashian and her barnacle filled uterus aren’t going to be around forever. It’s time to pass the filthy family torch. That’s Kylie. She’s going to take that fire stick and rub it in her cunny then charge men outside the public library for licks. If you think one day she’ll look back on this time in her life with remorse, you have no idea how she thinks.

Photo Credit: Instagram/SnapChat

Katie Cassidy in A Bikini

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

Katie Cassidy Wears A Neon Bikini While In Miami
David Cassidy might be a train wreck, but he had the sense to knock a baby into a 1970′s model and produce Katie. I can’t believe I’ve never once clicked onto the CW network. Even if just during one of my many PTSD disassociations. I once tried to eat a turtle. It’s an issue of marketing. I’m not changing remote favorites for a show called Arrow. Change the name to Kate Cassidy Hot Titty Faptavaganza and I’d swap out one of my NFL channels. I hate telling people how to do their business, but don’t bury the lede.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Gwyneth Is Back on the Market And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 20, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially divorced from her ex-husband Chris Martin. You can new age label this shit all you want, when a couple hens with tons of dough call it quits, there’s a ton of legal work to get through. Also, less importantly, less died today. RIP True Love.

Read all about the conscious uncoupling’s finalization. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens shows off her boobage in New York City. (Egotastic)

Stephen Colbert interviews George Lucas aka. the guy who raped your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Kelly Gale looks hotter in Victoria’s Secret lingerie than your girlfriend. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Lambert’s cleavage really is a thing of beauty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in a bikini will make your eyes pop out like a cartoon wolf. (Popoholic)

Do you like girls in sports bras? Well, then it’s your lucky day. (The Chive)

Ben Affleck Slave Shamed

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 11:48 AM

Ben-Affleck-Testifies-before-Congress

Actor and super person Ben Affleck asked PBS to censor their documentary series Finding Your Roots where they revealed Affleck had an ancestor that owned slaves. Finding Your Roots is designed to inform white celebrities that their great-great-great-grand uncle ran a plantation and perhaps it’s time for a big fucking I’m So So Sorry for the camera. The show is hosted by Henry Louis Gates who you don’t know until I tell you he was the guy who got busted breaking into his own house several years ago requiring a ‘beer summit’ at the white house between Gates, the cop, and President Obama. That was super fucking embarrassing which is why we’ve all chosen to forget it.

Gates previously slave shamed Anderson Cooper and Ken Burns who both got to apologize on behalf of people they never met for lacking progressive thinking in the 1840′s. Affleck decided the appropriate course of action was to request on Garner-Affleck stationery that his slave owner family shame be edited out of the show prior to airing. Gates asked his inside Hollywood buddy, Sony Chief Michael Lynton, for his advice on what to do with Affleck’s request. Gates noted how horrible it would look for the PBS news brand and himself if he bowed to the request. Lynton let him in on a little trade secret: fuck your integrity, fuck PBS, grow up, this is Batman.

I would take it out if no one knows, but if it gets out that you are editing the material based on this kind of sensitivity then it gets tricky. Again, all things being equal I would definitely take it out.

By the time any journalist is asking if he should selectively censor content he’s just asking for a confirm to do the wrong thing. Everybody looks shitty in this story, except for perhaps Affleck’s slave owning ancestor who at least didn’t try to hide what he was. Life is full of ironies.

Gates issued a long form rationalization for why it made sense to focus on other parts of Affleck’s ancestors, like the less interesting less controversial and more heroic positive ones. I wouldn’t bother reading it unless you’re looking for a lesson in how to use long paragraphs to lie. PBS also issued a statement supporting Gates decision because now everybody is looking to cover their ass. You don’t get fifty more years of tax payer funded Big Bird if you start publicly admitting you’re full of shit.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Paris Hilton Is Coachella

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 10:42 AM

Paris Hilton Dances At Coachella
Dance like nobody’s watching. Fuck like everybody paid for seats. I admire Paris Hilton’s motto. Also the way her caretakers drop her and her pill organizer off to so many places each week. Ignorance is bliss, but nothing compared to being dumb and rich. Reality only sets in when the music stops.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Nikki Lund And Cassie Scerbo in Bikinis

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 9:47 AM

Nikki Lund And Cassie Scerbo Wears Bikinis In Malibu
Banging Richie Sambora while pretending his toupee hasn’t shifted awkwardly is your ticket to ride. Nikki Lund rubbed the Bon Jovi genie lamp and asked for gobs of money for a clothing line. As a kicker, she went on a promo tour giggling about Sambora’s amazing cock. At some point Sambora peeked at his Amex bill and decided the ego stroke was too expensive. He put the kibosh on the NikkiRich clothing line. Lund responded by accusing Sambora of threatening her with physical harm.

A source confirmed Thursday night that Lund claimed to police that the 55-year-old rocker threatened to “dig a hole in the desert and bury” her there during the alleged call.

The idea of Richie Sambora digging a hole of any measurable size seems far fetched. Maybe asking his pool contractor to work a side job on the weekend. Cutting her off from money seems a lot easier than ordering a hit. Rehab teaches you a lot about thinking through better options. Like start banging other ambitious young women with less expensive dreams. Maybe a chick who just got priced out of a Disneyland annual pass and has decent tits. Occasionally she might want some dough for some new Mickey ears, but she’s not going to ask for 2,200 square feet of boutique space on Robertson. Nobody fucks that good.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jaden Smith Appropriates Tranny Culture

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 9:19 AM

Jaden Smith Wears Dresses At Coachella
It’s amazing what people choose to do when they can do whatever the fuck they want. DiCaprio wears a ponytail and fucks the snot out of hot young women. So does Cara Delevingne. Alec Baldwin calls people faggots then cleans up nicely for GLAAD tolerance awards. Jaden Smith has decided to wear dresses since his junior moron rants on social media stopped trending. Let Jaden Smith be the omen of what is to come as we rid this world of school yard bullies and parents who discipline. A future world of boys in dresses who don’t even have the fortitude to be gay. I’m speeding up the work on my ark. Somebody’s going to notice this cess pool and press the flush button again.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Bobby Flay Delicious Assistant Pork

By Matt April 20, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

Flay

TV celebrity chef Bobby Flay cheated on his wife with a hostess he met in one of his restaurants. Flay quickly promoted her to his personal assistant so everybody would be super suspicious. Flay’s disgruntled wife is Law and Order: SVU actress, Stephanie March, whose discerning mugging has convinced every menopausal woman in America that every dude not cast on a sitcom should check a box that says either Rapist or Bigger Rapist. Flay has apparently been boning Elyse Tirrell for roughly ten years, which is double the length of a traditional marriage. Who says men have a hard time with commitment? If not for Flay’s pesky wife this would be a love story for the ages. Ironically Tirrell was a part of what Flay calls his B Team, which is a hoard of assistants he tasks with making YouTube videos, blowing him, and talking shit about him behind his back. Just recently his mistress was featured on his website explaining how to make a tomatillo horseradish shrimp cocktail which is a great way to impress house guests and give them diarrhea. It’s unclear if Tirrell will be bumped up to varsity or if Flay will sign a free agent to wax his dick while she remains in the Sea Org. I should’ve gone to cooking school.

Photo Credit: TheBTeam/Youtube