Ava Lange in A Bikini

By Lex March 10, 2016 @ 1:11 PM

Seeing these chicks modeling for a couple bucks reminds me of every shitty demeaning job I ever had to pay the rent. Fuck-me poses on the beach are a dream. Before you accept any job ask your employer if you will ever have to perform any work in a bathroom. Measure his response against your desire for nighttime shelter. Your ancestors slept outdoors but they never had to clean up other people’s vomit. This chick just bought Spin class for a month. I bet that rock chafes your ass something awful. When it infects you with strep we can share horror stories.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

7 photos in gallery >

Tags: ava lange |

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Courtney Stodden Homaging

By Lex March 10, 2016 @ 12:39 PM

Some untold number of boys grew up trying to match their swings to Ted Williams or Hank Aaron. Girls are now growing up imitating the visceral turpitude of Kim Kardashian. Aspirational dreams are one key indicator of achievement. This chick wanted to be Kardashian so badly. She generated sexually scandalous gossip bait. She slipped into a pair of enormous fake tits. She had a marginal reality show. She’s stupid. It all seemed so perfect. What went wrong? The world needs bridesmaids. It’s bad form to drunk fuck the bride.

Photo Credit: Instagram

10 photos in gallery >

Tags: courtney stodden |

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Charlotte McKinney Is Stacked And Shit Around The Web

By Michael March 10, 2016 @ 12:00 PM

We all know that Charlotte McKinney has giant tits. But she’s got more to offer the world, although her recommendations on LinkedIn are all under Tits.

Those tits are spectacular. (Last Men On Earth)

Yanet Garcia claims her ass is real. There is no fucking way. (TMZ)

Chelsea Ferguson is topless on Snapchat because that’s what it’s for. (Egotastic All-Stars)

This pic shows Kelly Rohrbach’s fupa in all its glory. (Drunken Stepfather)

British hottie Ava Jamal is curvy and wonderful. (The Chive)

These girls all have one thing in common: giant titties. (Radass)

Nicole Scherzinger in a bikini is as good as it was in 1999. (Popoholic)

Tags: charlotte mckinney |

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Maria Sharapova Working Out After Failed Drug Test

By Lex March 10, 2016 @ 11:15 AM

Maria Sharapova is being praised by her P.R. team members posing as regular old people online for getting out ahead of her positive test for a heart medication produced in Latvia that also adds five mph to your tennis serve. Sharapova held a press conference to announce her upcoming positive test result for the banned substance followed by a whole series of lies about how it came to be in her system. The fibs are pro forma and go back to the time Andre Agassi swore up and down he had no idea how meth got into his blood but later confessed he didn’t know because all the meth he’d been smoking had fucked up his memory.

Performance enhancing drugs in sports are treated as non-existent until such time as the public is forced to deal with the fact that they’re universally existent. PEDs make sports more enjoyable. Think of them as sex lube and suddenly everybody agrees. Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams’ fullback thighs. You take away Latvian heart medication and that drops to O-fer. Tennis needs a white champion. Give blondie her pills back.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

10 photos in gallery >

Tags: Maria Sharapova |

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Another Tranny Wachowski

By Lex March 10, 2016 @ 10:32 AM

The Wachowski brothers who made the Matrix and a half dozen super expensive follow-on shitty movies are now both living as hormonally and surgically created women. The first became Lana about a decade ago. The second is now Lilly. If you believe in coincidences, this one is a doozy. According to even the most aggressively counting transgender surveys, about 1 in 350 people in the U.S. live as a gender not on their birth certificate. The odds of two brothers both randomly discovering their women-selves is therefore about 1 in 125,000. If it’s random. Which is the preferred theory of people who’ve never done a psychiatric evaluation of the former Wachowski brothers.

My reality is that I’ve been transitioning and will continue to transition all of my life, through the infinite that exists between male and female as it does in the infinite between the binary of zero and one. We need to elevate the dialogue beyond the simplicity of binary. Binary is a false idol.

That just blew the minds of Matrix fanboys. Even though it makes no objective sense. Do I swallow the red pill or the blue pill? Which one is shaped more like a cock again?

It’s hard not to imagine the Wachowskis would still have penises if Speed Racer had become a cult classic instead of a movie everybody desperately tries to pretend never happened. The same for Cloud Atlas and Jupiter Ascending. If Bryce Harper settled into .180 with 2 HRs a season, you might seem him considering a vagina too. Failure is tough on the soul. As is LSD during pregnancies. At some point we need to invent a fuck you to society that doesn’t involve massive amounts of surgery. Obamacare wasn’t designed for so much heavy genital lifting.

Photo credit: Windy City News

Tags: lana wachowski, lilly wachowski |

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Kimberley Garner Bikini Teasing

By Lex March 10, 2016 @ 9:40 AM

This British chick is the epitome of the slogan, no talent, no problem. It’s a new slogan. Still testing out. Hot young women have always done well in the pocket book. The 2016 difference is the ability to make cash money by selling direct, versus previous generations who had to fuck older dudes with bristly mustaches and a fondness for soft cheeses to get their first Mercedes. If you’re good looking and have nice tits and you’re not on a reality TV show somewhere with a complementary website selling your bikini line or cosmetics you’re not even trying. $50,000 a year for being completely mediocre in your field. Five fold that if you can keep your ass tight and will post revealing selfies with infantile giddy text. The future will never know attractive school teachers.

Photo Credit: Instagram

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Tags: kimberley garner |

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Lena Dunham Twisting Into A Knot

By Josh March 10, 2016 @ 9:00 AM

In the wake of another post-production hit job, doughy Lena Dunham has sworn off all manipulation of her likeness saying, “I want to be able to pick my own thigh out of a lineup.” That makes her the only one. The reason magazines put her on the cover is because they know women in line at supermarkets will see Dunham and buy the magazine to mitigate their self-loathing. Nobody judges themselves in a vacuum. She’s fat. She makes millions and hangs with Hillary Clinton. I’m next.

Dunham’s right about one thing. Publications are wasting their time Photoshopping her. It’s like pissing in the ocean. Or shitting in the Flint River. The difference is negligible. Dunham should be grateful. She’s creating jobs that don’t need to exist. Next time you’re raging against the economy, remember that Dunham is costing obsolete photo editing interns their jobs.

It used to be plausible that Dunham’s character, Hannah, in HBO’s Girls was a vessel for Dunham to mock that type of person. But the more she talks, the more abundantly clear it becomes that Dunham is Hannah and thinks that being a hypocritical narcissistic cunt is okay. It’s less a lampooning and more a self-harpooning. Eight fat jokes in five sentences, where’s my bonus?

Photo credit: Lena Dunham / Instagram

Tags: Lena Dunham |

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Zac Efron and The Rock Have Cheat Days

By Josh March 10, 2016 @ 8:11 AM

New America’s icons of masculinity, Zac Efron and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, have “cheat days.” They claim that these are days when they cheat on their strict diets, which they’re on for the upcoming Baywatch movie no one was clamoring for. Efron also gets one day to cheat on his his homosexuality. A day to binge snort steroids off the asses of girls who will eventually leave in tears. John Wayne and Arnold Schwarzenegger are spinning in their graves. Schwarzenegger’s not dead yet, but don’t tell his face.

We’ve come to expect this from The Rock, who’s been pro wrestler Guatemalan powder dieting for years. But now Efron looks like Rocky-IV-era Dolph Lundgren took a shit, and Dr. Frankenstein electrocuted that excrement into a carbon-based life form capable of respiration. And not much else. Definitely not acting. Efron even tweeted his menu,