By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 2:05 PM
Among the great myths of our time, the multi-orgasming male, the $29.95 DirecTV bill, and the genuinely concerned politician, you can add the three-titted woman. Jasmine Tridevil and her tri-chested freak show were outed today as pure prosthetics. Apparently, Tridevil’s bag got stolen off the conveyor belt at the Tampa Airport. I know, I didn’t know Tampa had an airport either. She filed a police report to get her stolen shit back and noted a very expensive three-breast prostheses. Oops. That’s like Harry Houdini filing a claim for a submersion tank with a false bottom trick trap door that allows for oxygen. Couldn’t she merely have written, three humped rubbed baby bumper, $5K.
Now we know Jasmine Tridevil isn’t really even her given name. Loathsome harlot of mistruths! It’s Alisha Hessler, who became infamous in Florida last year for making some dude who groped and punched her outside a bar wear a dunce hat on the street corner rather than be prosecuted. This story could not possibly be any more Florida if it had an oversized orange on its head and it was cold calling Jewish seniors to sell them shoddy timeshares in Boca.
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 1:21 PM
Tianna Gregory is one of those girls who made herself into a working model by showing off her tits and ass on social media. I suppose you could lament the collapse of the traditional job entry system for models. That is, some creepy guy with at least one gold capped tooth telling young girls at malls how they should be models, getting their parents excited at the thought of easy money, then assembling a rape ropes course that will guide the survivors to age seventeen and enough paid bookings to support their new drug and chain smoking habits. Or you could revel in the Internet finally being good for something. A purely visual meritocracy for a purely visual industry. You have an ass that 700,000 followers on Instagram whack to, you get hired to be an ass model. That makes sense. Sorry gold-toothed predator, you’re out of the loop. Only stepfathers and boyfriends can hurt these girls now.
Photo Credit: MUSA
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 12:18 PM
Apparently, Emma Watson is our new Goodwill Ambassador for United Nations Women. I hope that’s not like Macy’s Women where they sell all the fat clothes. Watson serves the interests of the women of this planet and should we ever get involved in interplanetary gender matters, she would be repping Starfleet as well.
Emma Watson gave a speech to the U.N. General Assembly about women’s rights that was vague and innocuous and convoluted making it just about the best U.N. speech ever given. It’s part of the United Nations’ HeForShe campaign that teaches men that not only do you have to stop oppressing women, you have to make other men stop oppressing as well. I could see giving up my own oppression, but do I really want to be that guy who hands my buddy a beer and segues into ‘Hey, let’s talk out our feelings on beating and enslaving our bitches.’. Maybe at halftime or something over dip.
“She’s been using her magic wand in her movie. I hope she will use her magic wand to stop violence against women,” — the U.N. Secretary General on Emma Watson
Good one, Ban Ki-moon! Any American taxpayer bitching about paying dues to the United Nations ought to consider the value of awesome Harry Potter metaphors.
While he was at it, Ki-moon also knighted Leonard DiCaprio as U.N. Messenger of Peace, which I’m pretty sure is what they used to call Saigon hookers during the Vietnam War. DiCaprio addressed world leaders at the U.N. Climate Summit and warned them about the earth turning into a toxic ball of flaming ice by this time next Thursday. Then DiCaprio took a selfie with the U.N. General Secretary and banged two hot Pashto translators in the 29th floor cafeteria. While the world sleeps peacefully, the United Nations watches over us, and quietly masturbates.
Photo credit: Splash News / Twitter
By Jack September 23, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
One of the most popular conspiracy theories on the internet is that Nicolas Cage is a vampire. I think he’s just an annoying fuck. Here is a story Idris Elba tells about Cage spending the night at Dracula’s castle…like a fucking goth douchebag.
Read all about Nick’s night with Nosferatu. (Huffington Post)
Anais Zanotti eating ice cream is titillating. (Drunken Stepfather)
Chelsea Heath in a teeny tiny yellow bikini is a good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Juliette Lewis says that people hate Scientology because of an evil conspiracy. (Dlisted)
I like Johanna Lundback in lingerie, but I’d prefer her out of it. (Popoholic)
Charlotte McKinney can give me a sponge bath anytime. (COED)
Say what you will about Jennifer Lopez, she’s got an amazing 40-something ass (Egotastic)
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 11:38 AM
Fuck, there go the Miranda Lambert fatty jokes she claims she never reads in the tabloids though responds with exclamation points to every single one of them on social media. She was particularly pissed when people claimed the jiggly pounds she dropped recently was due to some doctor tying rubber bands around her digestive tract. Miranda wanted everybody to know she lost weight the old fashioned way. Amphetamine sandwiches and jogging on the treadmill while watching her old fat self on CMT. She also claims her marriage to Blake Shelton is stronger than ever. Mostly just so she can remind people she’s married to Blake Shelton. Also perhaps it’s a veiled threat at all the women Blake is banging while she’s on the treadmill burning off the 3-calories of sweetener they use to coat the speed pills. Just another day in Paradise.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 11:25 AM
Young Jeezy celebrated the success of his new album at an Atlanta night club by insuring he will have to cut a sloppy uninspired follow up in the near future to cover car notes. Jeezy reportedly dropped $35 k on fruity champagne and another $20,000 on a big ass leopard print bottle of Moet to shove up his rectum and announce himself king of the jungle.
That leopard print foil really calls out to the Codeine riddled brain of patrons who base their self worth on pissing away cash. For the markup added to the mid shelf bubbly Jeezy could have flown to Zimbabwe on a three week safari, killed and skinned a leopard, hit up BevMo, and draped dozens of bottles of the same overpriced swill in its warm pelt. Of course that experience could be considered rewarding or enriching, where as purchasing shiny obnoxious garbage is guaranteed to leave you with that empty detached feeling that serves as excuse to smoke an ounce of weed a day and bitch about your childhood. Well played, sir.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
The Dark Lord’s blistered minion officially ended her marriage to Bruce Jenner before he could complete his transformation into my long haul trucking Aunt Susan. Divorce is a somber, quarterly event in the Kardashian household. A spinster cousin plays an Armenian genocide requiem on the harp while everybody congregates in the living room and whispers mean things about Rob. Khloe is typically fitted with an invisible fence collar so she won’t eat all the Pepperidge Farms platters friends bring over to mourn the loss of another romantic business relationship. As with any divorce, your first thought is how will this affect the children. Since they’re already shamelessly ribald whores, the concern really goes out to the woman. Kris. Maybe a little Bruce. Kris has requested that she keep the jewelry and custodial rights to Kylie Jenner for one more year, which is like asking for the jewelry twice. It’s always sad whenever love dies. Or whatever the fuck this is.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 9:29 AM
Among the people who give a shit, there’s rampant speculation that Australian model Lara Bingle is pregnant by the dude in the wheelchair from Avatar. He put a little of his unobtainium in her mother tree, if you know what I’m saying. Celebrity magazines are assuming she’s knocked up because her tits have looked bigger of late. I have no clue if that’s true, but I like the direction this is headed. Tits are the window to the soul. Physicians and the homeless alike now have permission to stare catatonically at a woman’s breasts in public to determine her physical and mental condition. Oh, danglers, you look sad. Your nipples point toward gum disease. Your crazy knockers tell me your spitting out your bipolar meds again. If Lara Bingle’s going without a bra, I’m putting my quarter on the rail for this game. I’m probably going to get punched again.
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet