Michael Phelps Girlfriend Has a Secret

By colin November 21, 2014 @ 9:13 AM

 

Taylor-Lynn-Chandler

Taylor Lianne Chandler decided Facebook was the best place to reveal to her boyfriend Michael Phelps that she was born David with a tiny wee wee. Not a boy, but Intersex, forcing journalists this morning to look up the word and figure out how to use it in the politically correct manner. Taylor had hormones and surgery as a teen to become the girl he was born to be. She was born to be. And then dated and married a few guys she kind of forgot to tell about her new vagina, which shouldn’t really be anybody’s business, unless maybe you happen to be inside of it trying to extend your family lineage and she keeps telling you to imagine babies and it will happen.

Michael Phelps has spent the better part of last month in rehab for his last DUI, which makes Taylor’s ‘I’m dating Michael Phelps’ revelation rather convenient since nobody else seems to be aware of their mad love affair. Taylor insists they met on Tinder, have met for dates in person, and are madly in love. Just in case nobody believed her, she saved a few personal items:

“[M]my phone with the messages between Michael and I is locked up in a safety deposit box in Florida. I also have a 17,000-page forensic report showing everything — all the geo scans, the cellphone tower signals, the pings. And they’re coming from his phone.”

Compared to being born with confused genitalia, a 17,000 page forensic report on a guy who you met on Tinder and drunk banged you after a Ravens game seems normal. I hope we can step back for a minute and realize the wonderful contributions of Intersexed inventors, doctors, and female tennis players and not hold the group accountable for the actions of one over-zealous member.

Lady Gaga Inks Mother Monster

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 8:36 AM

Lady Gaga Shows Off New Tattoo Next To Side Boob While Wearing An A Jester Outfit In The UK
Lady Gaga got another ode to her monster fan meme tattooed near her tits so that men would reflexively be forced to see it. The singer only inks the left hemisphere of her frame, saving the right side for self-injuring cigarette burns and future organ donor markups. This whole Mother Monster and Little Monster online relationship could easily have gone off the rails into suicide cultish tangents but the poor physical conditioning and agoraphobia of her fan base has limited the mindless mob to overly aggressive Tweets. Their punishment is five years of their life spent listening to Lady Gaga music that they will never get back. That’s more than enough.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Dwight Howard’s Kid Goes To Hooters

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 8:19 AM

RRKID

Dwight Howard’s baby mama Royce Reed took her kid to Hooters for his birthday dinner. Normally I’d have no problem with this because the kid looks like he’s digging it, plus Hooters is no more sexualized than a Miami Chipotle at this point. It’s just kind of weird when court documents mention your kid has seen you getting railed by the 12th man of the visiting team on multiple occasions. That’s child abuse. You don’t see Bill Cosby taking his wife to a special screening of The Accused. The odds the allegations are true are equal to the kid getting food poisoning, right around fifty. It’s still not a good look since clearly you needed to stop by Hooters to discuss some petty bullshit with one of your skank waitress friends and dragged your kid along. Or the kid’s just a badass and loves tits already. Hashtag living the bastard sweet life.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lana Del Rey Raped For Art (VIDEO)

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:41 AM

Footage has emerged of Lana Del Rey playing a rape victim in a short film shot by Eli Roth, the creep who made all the Hostel torture porn movies. It vaguely ties into a Marylin Manson project. Basically those two guys wanted to shoot a bunch of fucked up shit including a rape scene and thought they’d figure it out later. You never know when you might need a good rape scene. The staged rape footage was stashed after everyone on the set fucked and came down from their Ketamine highs and only reappeared recently. Roth once mentioned it to Larry King, passing off his lack of action as an attempt to shield the masses from his earth shattering art:

“The footage is so sick, it’s been locked in a vault for over a year.”

By locked in a vault do you mean saved on a flash drive at your house in the valley next to the basket of dog toys? At this point this pseudo Goth shit is only fooling the ten people in Hollywood who still think its’ cool and three of them are involved in this video. The rest of us have moved on. We know Marilyn Manson is Brian from Ohio. Nobody gives a shit. This isn’t Berlin pre-Internet. Pull your heads out of your asses.

Justin Bieber Continues Spiritual Quest

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

JB

Justin Bieber met with a rabbi for three hours because those guys are really nice and generally bored and will talk to anyone for three hours or a year. He then hopped in a Rolls Royce and went to Spago like a guy in an 80′s movie who hits it big when his rich uncle dies. Bieber’s manager is appropriately Jewish and Bieber says he now says a Christian and a Jewish prayer before he performs to the culturally bankrupt with a bunch of skanks in booty shorts. It’s unclear how his quest to ‘learn to spread the word of God’ is going to manifest itself. My guess is an exceptionally shitty and gimmicky pan-spiritual album destined to be played around campfires while ten year olds get high on glue and talk about how cool Bieber’s misdemeanors are. You know, Justin, the best way to get closer to God is to go see him for yourself. Use the warm tub, you’ll barely feel the cut.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Uber Mein Fuhrer

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

Uber

Uber is facing controversy because their Vice President brought up the idea to hire “Opposition Researchers” to slander journalists who report on all the fucked up shit their company does. He actually didn’t do this on a secret mini-cassette recording but in front of a huge company gathering where a bunch of journalists were invited to drink free booze and suck his dick.

Unfortunately word got out, much like it did about Uber fucking with their drivers’ pay, their policy of calling bogus Lyft rides to sabotage competition, secretly surcharging their customers, and their CEO having a back of the school bus bully face. It should be noted they advocate for super hip spousal abuse and LGBT friendly pension stealing. Suddenly this trendy alternative seems more nefarious than the ornery Taliban guy driving my beat up 1997 LeSabre Yellow Cab. I don’t mean to generalize, this guy was definitely in the Taliban. I’m guessing Uber won’t come after us because this doesn’t technically count as journalism. They may still save the IP address to pump carbon monoxide into the ride we call to our next office party at Shakey’s as part of their next business strategy brainstorming session.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Brooklyn Bars Shaming Santas

By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

Santas

Its clear most Bushwick Hipsters are unable to enjoy life based on their ill fitting jeans and cumbersome beards, but many are going so far as to hate Santa. Santa Con is a once yearly bar crawl where a bunch of dudes in Santa outfits get loaded out of their winter gourds and puke in their beards. Failing that they bang hot chicks in the city or worst case scenario return home via bridge or tunnel after their buddy contracts hypothermia and dies on the street. It’s a great experience to bastardize something besides the Irish once a year. The Santa Con people have drawn ire from virtually anyone over 21, but many bars in Brooklyn are refusing to admit anyone with a Santa costume this year. Some trust fund guy with ear gauges who works at a bar for the Instagram photos articulated this:

“It’s debauchery tourism…And there’s a culture clash. I’d call SantaCon bro culture”

Yeah it would be lame if it happened all the time. Just like its lame you sit in a rickety bar and drink syrupy beer with a bunch of guys writing lame shit in notebooks all the time. Sometimes we can learn from each other. In this instance it’s fuck you and your bar. Not that I would be in attendance anyway, that shit’s a nightmare. Hence the point of a bar. Anything goes.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Missouri Is Going to Burn

By Lex November 20, 2014 @ 2:35 PM

Protestors-in-Ferguson-Missouri

The forces of the state do all sorts of tyrannical fascist crap that warrants a good compact car burning or tossing earth’s last remaining metal trash can through a McDonald’s window. But sometimes they do nothing wrong. In these cases, the unsettling of the public square and the destruction of property seems particularly pointless. Ferguson Missouri is about to be torn to shreds. A grand jury finding that the police officer in question did nothing criminal seems the likely finding given the Governor of Missouri has issued a state of emergency, called to duty National Guard, and seems to be delaying the announcement until the Thanksgiving holiday so they can roll the protestor deaths in with the usual Black Friday tramplings. If they were going to string up the cop and appease the riotous masses, you would’ve heard already.

I’ve been to Ferguson. It seemed like as decent a place as any. It’s a shame it’s going to be totaled into ruins soon. I’m sure when the thieving hulk child or college bound shy scholar, depending on who you believe, was charging the police officer for his weapon, he had no idea he’s been taking his entire hometown with him. Or maybe he did. I once wished an H-bomb would drop on the town where I grew up. Though in my cosmic request I somehow survived along with the hot grade school teacher who I believed to have used black magic to make my balls drop.

Tons of bad cop shit happens to minorities that doesn’t happen to whitey. When the people in charge do nothing about that, then people in idiotic masks and hoodies will get worked up for even the misread appearance of something bad cop shit. Maybe Ferguson has to burn so that others may live. We can only hope this is the live cable news event that finally takes Geraldo into the afterlife.

Photo credit: Getty Images