By colin November 24, 2014 @ 9:15 AM
It takes nothing more than a boatful of backup dancer and a couple Foster’s to get Katy Perry shaking her ass. It also might be the privacy of an offshore yacht, bolstered by the conference that telescopic lenses on cameras will not be invented until 2037. I’m just glad Katy’s happy again after going through all the things she’s been through, not much of which seems particularly difficult, but struggle makes for good magazine copy. I’m not going to comment on her thighs because I don’t want the hate mail. But were I too comment, I might tell her next husband to beware, he’s getting Lammily, not Barbie.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:56 AM
I had to drink a lot to put down that show. I’m just glad Dick Clark is dead so he didn’t have to see the abomination his American Music Awards have remained. It’s a collection of the most popular music artists pretending they didn’t know they were going to be handed acrylic obelisks of Ra as part of the deal their agents negotiated for their show appearance. Fuck me, did I win? You are the greatest fans in the world. That was the show. There had been speculation over whether or not Jennifer Lopez and that albino rapper from Australia would show too much ass on stage but ABC covered it up with red striped spots that made it about as dirty as trying to watch free Skinemax back in the day through wavy lines.
If I were scoring this award show on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give it a good kick in the cunt and subtract eleven. That’s three hours of my life I can’t get back. Sorry, kids I read to in the homeless shelter.
By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:42 AM
There was some effort to provide tits at the American Music Awards so the seventeen percent of straight male audience viewing the fabulous costume and lip synch parade could tell their buddies this morning, it was awesome, did you see so and so’s tits? Everyone understand this is the rhetorical question of a man so pussy whipped he couldn’t either watch more football or build something with his hands in the garage. The other option is that he’s particularly keen on Taylor Swift and One Direction, in which case we might as well hand the front door keys to China and beg them not to serve eggplant every night in the internment camps.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Getty
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
As rape allegations pile up like the Quaalude prescriptions his dutiful wife is busy shredding, Bill Cosby finally decided to address the issue before his show in Florida. Not the issue of the rape, something far more pressing. A local radio station had a pretty genius idea to pay people to show up and interrupt Cosby’s stand up show to demand an explanation. Cosby felt this was a violation akin to waking up covered in his junkyard gang jizz:
Now suppose someone brings a weapon or decided to do more foolishness. There will be announcements made and the stations made some disclaimers, but what if people don’t listen to what they said and they entice violence… When you go to a civil rights march or something like that, at least there are meetings and some organization to it and people understand how to behave. There may be people coming to the show that don’t know exactly what to do.
Clearly Cosby feels vulnerable right now. Not quite date rape vulnerable, more like senior citizen going to bodega after dark vulnerable. It seemed Cosby seemed unscathed and ready to bebop around stage for AARP members in Florida who give him the deference of a hometown sports star, then he dropped this little nugget:
“I know people are tired of me not saying anything. But a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos.”
‘Bill Cosby drugged and raped me’ is not exactly an innuendo, it’s more like a felony criminal allegation. Particularly when painstakingly detailed in no uncertain terms by a dozen women using their real identities and listing times, dates, and locations. Cosby probably thinks his innuendo deflection is workable since he’s never heard of the Internet and thinks dentist humor is still gold.
It’s only a matter of time before Cosby jets off to remote Caribbean archipelago he likely owns and lives out his days paying local island girls one hundred American dollars to sign unlimited waiver of liability agreements. Why he’s deciding to stand and fight could either be described as valiant or rapey asshole behavior. Let’s do a poll.
Photo Credit: INF Photos
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 8:17 AM
The video for Beyonce’s latest auto tuned braggadocio is pretty stripped down. Another way to say that is minimal or failing that dull, shitty, uninspired, and lazy. It features Beyonce drinking booze in a hotel suite and occasionally some local strippers show up to shake their asses and probably try and score blow cut with less Bayer aspirin. The vid features several outfit changes on Beyonce’s part because that’s super exciting to chicks and turns the gay dudes who listen to Beyonce on. It looks like it was shot in about fifteen minutes but with the costume changes and visits to the on-site bulimia chamber I’d liberally give it a few hours. If you ever get to a certain point where people start blindly buying your music for no discernible reason you may as well seize the opportunity to make a point. In this case that point is, fuck you, you’re stupid and lack self-reflection. I’m going to get hammered and relive my slumber party days because I’m bored and you’re going to watch it. Guilty as charged.
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 7:47 AM
Some preachy artist named Nickolay Lamm who is not trying to be funny made a Barbie type doll based on the body dimensions of the average nineteen year old girl, which is still pretty good in many parts of the country. He calculated the dimensions based on two standard deviations of the full bodied girls he imagines when wanking. The doll’s name is Lammily for reason’s unknown but I bet its not clever. It comes with unflattering stickers you can attach to the doll like acne, cellulite, stretch marks, scars, and receipts for this product. The website proclaims “Average is Beautiful” which we are all almost entirely certain isn’t true. In the promos you see a bunch of kids playing with the average girl dolls and saying things like ‘she reminds me of my sister’ though they cut it off before she amends ‘…the one who stays at home and cries a lot on Saturday nights.’
Whether this is some ill conceived prank or not, 19,000 of them have been pre ordered by moms who just called their daughters ugly. I’m sure Barbie sets unrealistic standards of beauty for young girls, but at least its something to aspire to beyond being dumpy and pimply. The doll retails for $25 dollars, which is cheaper than getting a gym membership or eating salads instead of Arby’s while you tell yourself whatever you want to hear.
Photo Credit: Lammily.com
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 7:15 AM
Miley Cyrus celebrated her 22nd birthday by riding a giant dick in a nightclub full of sex dolls and dildos stuck to the walls. I filled in the part where she ate enough molly to poke a hole in her highlights and got a train run on her by the partners at CAA in the champagne room. This is 2014 and people shouldn’t be squeamish about celebrating sex. They may however want to be squeamish about riding shimmering cocks in public because that’s gross behavior. Cyrus and her cronies may have been born under the wrong moon. The early 80′s offered a fairly uninhibited culture of sex and drugs which led to AIDS and Journey. This is kind of like that but without the spine. If you’re going to lick the ashes off the floor in a leather gay bar dungeon do it with some decorum.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 6:29 AM
Katy Perry was trying to enjoy a quiet day butt naked at a nude beach in Australia like the Constitution mandates and started getting hassled by photographers. To not draw attention to themselves the paparazzi stripped naked as well and continued bothering Perry and her friends and probably jerked off in some bushes. They apparently snapped some photos of Perry’s lady parts and offered to trade them for some bikini posing shots. At this point Perry said fuck it, tucked her labia in, and wrote a solid Twitter diatribe.
Point Perry. Not for spelling obviously. But that sicko comment had to hurt a guy going for a $100,000 paycheck for five minutes of work. Katy posted retaliations photos of the other paparazzi in an apparent attempt at shaming because like holocaust deniers paparazzi are so very easily shamed. At some point you just have to chalk it up to the fact you’ve made a fortune in large part because you’ve got a body people want to see naked. I’d make it more of a game. Take off your clothes in more places and hire a special forces sniper who takes out the paparazzi who go for the golden snap. Maybe he doesn’t need to kill them, just assure they will never walk again with a shot to the spine. It’s that or more nasty Tweets and I think we all know which is more humane.
Photo Credit: Twitter