By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Whiny jail pisser and douchebag dad enabler Justin Bieber had to sit in a deposition in Miami yesterday for 4 ½ hours, relating not to the drag racing and alleged drunk driving incident but the time that he allegedly ordered his bodyguard to attack a photographer last June. The lawyer for the paparazzi seemed like he was trying to intentionally push Bieber’s buttons to make him act like a total shithead, as TMZ reported that it totally worked. After asking about his relationship with Selena Gomez several times and whether or not she was there when the photographer was attacked, Bieber and his lawyer stood up and walked out of the room while Canada’s Mighty Mouse shouted, “Don’t ask me about her!”
After they returned from a syzzurp session in the Bieb’s SUV, the singer acted like an even bigger hardass, arguing the difference between “Yeah” and “Yes” and by calling the opposing lawyer Katie Couric after he asked another question. The good news out of all of this is that the writers for Franklin and Bash have at least two episodes of fresh material for next season.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Recently-announced lovers Cara Delevingne and Michelle Rodriguez are still going strong, as they both attended a meeting with Cara’s management team yesterday in London. While the nature of their meeting wasn’t revealed, it was probably something about how they shouldn’t give the lesbian makeout sessions away for free in public when they can make the public love them more with some subtle teasing and light, over-the-clothes petting. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense why they were acting all shy and reserved when they pulled up to Cara’s house, after we already watch them spend two quarters of a Knicks game cleaning each other tongues off. Unless they were sober, of course, because that will make even the horniest lesbians boring as hell.
Photo Credits: Will Alexander/WENN.com
By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Maybe it’s because it was only Thursday and his regular Angels don’t get out of bed for anything less than a straight to video movie premiere, but Corey Feldman’s entourage looked pretty sad yesterday in Beverly Hills. Normally flanked by three girls whose fathers probably died of heart attacks or severe liver disease, Corey only had the one Angel with him and some guy, whose claim to fame is being that guy who was standing next to Corey Feldman in Beverly Hills that one time. It’s still pretty remarkable that Corey even has a girl who looks like this by his side, because with the way he dresses, it’s a miracle that he’s not walking around shirtless with entire troops of Cub Scouts.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:33 PM
It’s hard to imagine what Kim Kardashian finds in common with a former stripper who’s got a bastard baby with a rapper, big fake tits, and butt implants. But Blac Chyna has been named Kim Kardashian’s official bestie, inheriting all the rank and responsibility that comes with the title. Mostly you just have to punch Kim in the uterus after sex with wealthy foreign industrialists so she is never filmed visiting an abortion clinic. Also, you have to carry the wart cream and binge eating money in your clutch. The two gentle flowers spent the afternoon in a private workout session with just a trainer and the barely noticeable six-man reality show film crew. If it doesn’t happen on camera for Kim, it doesn’t really happen. This includes meals, sex, marriages, divorces, paid dates, and whatever comes out of her ass after consuming nothing but diet powder and artificially sweetened chocolate fudge soda.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 8:09 PM
I didn’t bitch when your carbon footprint caused the once lush and fertile valleys of sub-Saharan Africa to dry up leaving behind hordes of starving tribesmen. And when your combustion engines and bacon caused a typhoon drenched Philippines to stop being that place everybody wanted to move to, I said nothing. But now your insatiable demand for modern machinery is fucking with my guacamole.
The good and decent organic sustainable local farming peasants from the Chipotle fast food corporation have given a hint that global climate change could fuck up the price of avocados and make guacamole too expensive too reasonably offer at their franchise outlets:
“Increasing weather volatility or other long-term changes in global weather patterns, including any changes associated with global climate change, could have a significant impact on the price or availability of some of our ingredients.”
Sure it sounds like a standard blanket corporate disclaimer about the variable cost of supplies. Or it means the end to the best fucking guacamole in any Mexican QSR. Old ladies with hairy facial moles in Chihuahua can’t crank out creamy green goodness like the master chefs at Chipotle. I don’t understand why you can’t just start driving electric cars. Electricity is given to us emissions free by the God of Thunder who pulsates its healthy rays down the Bifröst so we can have a green planet. Flip your $30,000 golf carts into the on position, I want my fucking guacamole.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:46 PM
Nicki Minaj is desperate to refute criticisms that her alluring looks are a by-product of cakes of makeup and showy wardrobe. She’s out to prove that she looks amazing makeup free. It’s a bold move for a celebrity to show themselves on social media without any cosmetics, you know, other than the nose job and the big fake titties and a few other surgical touch ups to serve as a buffer against harsh judgement. What else can you say but bravo, and can you show us how you lather up your stinky parts?
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 5:25 PM
All the buzz at the vegan juice bars this week is about how 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture at the Oscars, despite at least two Academy voters admitting they didn’t even watch the film. They voted for it because it just felt right. Nothing shocking really, since most people applauding this film have never seen it either. Movies about the Holocaust, The AIDS, and racism have been certain statue winners for decades now. You make a film about gay black Jews in Dachau trying desperately to smuggle in their AZT and you can start clearing space on your mantle. Even the costume designers are walking home with a trophy. While some people might take offense at the Academy members turing their votes into pure political messages, I think it’s hard to underestimate just how 12 Years a Slave has fundamentally changed the world:
“I think the African American community is glad the film was chosen as best picture because that is a validation of African American history and the pain and suffering within that history, and the survival of that history. In that way, it does help to heal.” — UCLA African-American studies professor, Brenda Stevenson
Tortured black slaves could probably only dream of a day that their story would be told in a Brad Pitt flick and win a jerry-rigged election based on white guilt. Short of reparations and school namings in the crappy parts of town, Academy Awards have to be the closest thing we all can do to make right what somebody you don’t know’s great-great-great-great grandparents did to get their cotton picked. Sure, we could focus on the brutalities and atrocities taking place in 2014, but only by reaching back to the 19th century can we win Best Picture. That other crap has to settle for Documentary Short.
By Lex March 06, 2014 @ 4:52 PM
Everybody goes crazy when a white girl shows up on the beach with a nice ass. It’s similar to how they celebrate the one dude from Mexico who competes in the Winter Olympics or how everyone gasps when an Asian kid can’t unscramble trigonometry. It’s wildly racist and unexpected. I know plenty of fair-haired girls with great bottoms. For shorthand, I refer to them as girls who tell me to stop fucking staring at their ass. Which is fine, because there’s nothing wrong with a girl whose ass resembles an older man in Dockers. You want gravity to take hold of your hand as it drops from the small of her back to her ankles without anything getting in the way. Flat as a board? They ought to call it hot as a board. There’s nothing finer than a woman’s college basketball low post specialist.
Photo Credit: Splash