There was this guy in my circle of friends, he used to hang out at the bars, get lucky with the ladies every now and then, until one day up and told everybody he was moving in with some older man. He declared himself gay, packed his few material goods, and moved into this swank palace of a place where he still watches all his sports, drinks his beer, doesn’t seem to work much, and, yeah, once a week or so he probably doinks this guy in the rectum and calls him by some effeminate version of his real name. I’ve read enough Anderson Cooper articles to know that being gay isn’t a choice. But what I also know is that if you’ve got to make a choice, choose somebody with a nice fat bank roll who can support your lifestyle. Like Portia de Rossi. Yeah, she has to snarfle Ellen’s mannish wet spot on occasion to keep the high life rolling, but check out this new $25 million pad Ellen just bought the pair of them in Montecito. We’re all whores, the only question is what do we get in the bargain.
At Ellen’s New Mansion, The Carpets Do Match The Drapes (And You’re Eating Both If You Want to Move In)
Melissa Riso In A Bikini
I read Melissa Riso’s bio. She was working in a hair salon when somebody told her she should be a model. I never really believe these stories. I think girls who are really hot want to be models from the time they can recite the alphabet. They may not know what it means exactly yet, but they’ve felt the thrill of enough compliments on their looks to know they want to make that special feeling the center of their universe. I think what really happened in that hair salon is that Melissa was washing some old lady’s nasty locks, brushing out some snarls and lyme disease, when she just decided, fuck this shit, I’m headed to L.A. to go sell my body. I only know this because that’s every single hot girls story here. Only, sometimes it’s not a hair salon, it’s the Returns desk at Target. That place is hell on earth.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
The Howe Twins Latest Plan to Mount Hollywood
The Howe Twins plan to fuck their way famous in Hollywood took a giant leap forward when the ambitious monozygotics brought homemade cupcakes to their clubbing birthday party. It’s a pretty well known fact that men will move mountains for cupcakes. Also, and perhaps more importantly, they will pay top dollar to bang the snot out of identical twins with ginormous fake tits.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, WENN
Kurt Cobain’s Daughter Takes On The Kardashians
Kendall Jenner is an aspiring model and the 17-year old sister of Kim Kardashian, and she spends a lot of her time Tweeting about her food, jewelry, fashion accessories and her Land Rover, most of which would not have been possible without big sis making amateur porn movies. So when she Tweeted on Tuesday night, “just wish things could be easier sometimes mann”, she probably would have expected a little backlash if anyone in her family existed in this reality.
But before she deleted the Tweet, Frances Bean Cobain, of all people, ripped her to shreds about “CANCER, famine, poverty, draught, disease, natural disasters, Death” before thanking her parents for providing her with a high IQ. Kendall responded with the typical “You don’t know me” routine while claiming that “i give back as much as I can” because she prays for people.
But all I’ve taken away from this is that Courtney-fucking-Love raised a better daughter than Kris Jenner.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
Taylor Swift Still Hates Justin Bieber
Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at last Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards, and then afterward she made that stupid face that she always makes when she pretends that she can’t believe people like her vanilla ice cream pop music so much. But now she makes it ironically, because she thinks it’s funny since we all make fun of her for it. Either way, she thinks her shit smells like a bouquet of flowers in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house.
That’s why she didn’t hold back in pretending to hold back when Access Hollywood asked her what she was whispering to Selena Gomez while Justin Bieber was being booed. “Ohhh, you do not want to know!” she said, according to Us Weekly, adding, “You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.” And I assume that means she was jealous that Justin won the Milestone Award and she didn’t, so all she wanted to do was go home and scissor Selena in peace.
Amanda Bynes Was Arrested For Drugs
Well, if Amanda Bynes thought her week was shitty when she was booted from her flight for having an expired driver’s license, I’d hate to know what she thinks about it now. Drake’s No. 1 fan was arrested on charges of reckless endangerment, tampering with evidence and criminal possession of marijuana last night after the doorman at her West 47th Street apartment building in New York City called the cops because she was allegedly smoking pot in the lobby. I know, I’m shocked that it was just weed, too.
After Amanda went back up to her apartment, the police officers said that her apartment “reeked of marijuana” when she opened her door, and it didn’t help that they noticed her bong was out. But being the crafty devil that she is, Amanda allegedly chucked it out the window. Before she was booked, Amanda was taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation, while one of those Old West undertakers was chiseling a tombstone outside.
Photo Credit: PCN, Splash
Joe Francis Wanted to Shoot the Retards That Found Him Guilty (But Changed His Mind)
“I want that jury to know that each and every one of you are mentally fucking retarded, and you should be euthanized because, as Darwin said, you have naturally selected yourself. They should all be lined up and shot!” — Joe Francis to The Hollywood Reporter
Joe Francis speaks from the heart. Like suggesting the jurors who found him guilty of imprisonment and assault should be killed. His crime itself is really no worse than jaywalking if you jaywalked while also imprisoning and assaulting a couple women. But, now, after considering the consequences of shit talking a court jury prior to sentencing, Joe Francis has come to his senses. Or his attorney has come to Joe’s senses and got him to issue an apology letter for calling all the jury members a bunch of retards who deserved to die. And rightfully so. Anybody’s who’s ever served on a jury know they tend to run no more than 50% retard.
Amanda Seyfried Thinks Hollywood Shrunk Her Boobies
Amanda Seyfried has a strange theory about her incredible shrinking tits: It’s Hollywood’s fault. This would seem counter-intuitive as Hollywood usually prefers their titties off the Big and Beefy menu. When she was a youngin’, in such films as Mean Girls and that show where Bill Paxton is a polygamist, she says her hooters were glorious. She told noted breast aficionado Ellen Degeneres:
”I looked way better when I was 15. I had beautiful huge breasts and then I came to Hollywood and I was like, ‘I got to lose weight. I got to look thin and fit.’ And I lost them a little bit.”
It is a bit of a paradox, isn’t it? Hollywood wants actresses to both have giant tits and yet be Karen Carpenter thin. I guess that’s why God invented breast implants. Fret now, Amanda. Half a cup size isn’t going to deter me from holding up the DVD cover of Mama Mia with one hand.
