By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 10:30 AM
Jury acquittal looks pretty damn good on this X-Factor judge. After being found not guilty in some bizarrely set up tabloid newspaper drug conspiracy, Tulisa Contostavlos gave a fuck you to the world by getting dripping wet and showing off her mons in Bermuda. They say that living well is the best revenge. Those people have never felt the rush of squeezing the very life out of your nemesis while staring into their clotting eyes and cackling like a fiend. Also, some of us don’t have the hot bikini body option.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Syco/Thames/Corbis
By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 9:50 AM
She’s sixteen. She’s from the Ukraine. She has a 20-inch waist and 32F breasts. And she has a glassy empty robotic stare. Lolita Richi is perfect! Almost. Because this human Barbie doll speaks, and speaks, and speaks:
People have openly told me that they’re jealous of me and how good I look. All of the boys at school fancy me as well but I don’t like any of them. They are not to my taste.
Ah, make it stop! She’s ruining everything.
I think I’ve achieved this image better than anyone else. I’m the ultimate vamp woman. I haven’t even heard of Valeria Lukyanov.
What repair shop will make my Barbie doll shut the fuck up? I’m prepared to buy one of these action figures once they figure out why the real doll versions are so popular. The owner provides the words.
Photo Credit: Lolita Richie/Facebook
By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 9:03 AM
Pierce Brosnan claims he lost an opportunity to star in the 90′s film Angela’s Ashes because he was too handsome. Brosnan said he called Frank McCourt, the author of the tearjerker novel the movie is based on, and was given the Heisman. It seems unusual that McCourt would have any real say in casting decisions for the movie version of his book. Studios pay these authors a buttload of money to smile and stay the fuck out of the process. Telling someone they are too good looking when they aren’t right for the part is just part of the Irish tradition of being cordial before you bare knuckle the crap out of each other and then make up in a sobbing hug of blood and friendship. Brosnan is undeniably a very pretty man but not the most diverse actor out there. A film about famine and religious oppression does not preclude good looking people, just those who wink a lot and give Fuck Me Eyes to the bust wench doling out their mush.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 8:47 AM
Members of Justin Bieber’s posse reportedly bribed a border official to let their members with criminal records into Canada. As per Canada’s policy of being modestly boring, no cash was exchanged but the official was given a bunch of backstage passes to Bieber’s show. They claimed the passes were valued at $10,000 dollars, which I am sure is totally accurate since Bieber’s sketch ball friends were so willing to throw them away for a walk into Saskatchewan. The customs official has since been fired, because if you take bribes from ratchety twinks the written policy is to get cash only. Some more of Bieber’s even tinier minions showed up looking for the same official and tried to repeat the offense. By then Canadian Mounties on horseback had become suspect. Not because of the bribery, which is standard practice, but because the guy at the office everybody already hated for stealing sandwiches from the break room fridge was now also a documented Bieber fan. It was a good time to wash their hands as clean as Canada.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 8:22 AM
North Korea’s tourism board has begun marketing surf tours to outsiders. Those who don’t find the jagged boulders and thirty foot surf of Mavericks challenging enough can now have the adrenaline rush of being a sworn enemy in a country rife with gulags and re-education camps with rice-harvesting hour fourteen hours per day. According to the state run newspaper, visitors with an abandon for human suffering can:
“Look round monumental structures, places of historic interest and other tourist attractions in Pyongyang and local areas. North American surfers said they had a very good time in a bathing resort of the DPRK with fascinating scenery and refreshing environment.”
After you catch a wave and thank Dear Leader for creating them you will definitely want to check out the places of historic interest. You will find yourself saying shit like ‘Look, Honey, that leafless tree over there is where they hung a guy for watching MaGyver on a smuggled handset!’ Its really the ultimate surf stop if you exclude the fact you have to wear a burlap jumpsuit into the ocean and will be executed for smoking a J afterwords. The four foot surf and ample porridge are totally worth it. If you pound the booze like Dennis Rodman, this will probably seem like a solid getaway.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt August 22, 2014 @ 8:02 AM
Michael Cera has released an online album entitled True That which you can buy for $7 dollars or just donate to a local Urban Outfitters. The music is low res subdued indie garbage, the perfect background score for cutting or getting mustache tattoos. The indie community is a huge fan of Cera. He possesses the rare combination of having no penis and being really smug at the same time. This unnerving duality defines the skinny jean community. Chicks are into him because they can picture him obediently performing analingus for hours, any objection met with a face slap and resumption of the act. He can also be trained to sit and smirk on cue. The album should also be prime material for the hipster community to say they listened to it and it was ‘Pretty Good’ over expensive coffee before changing the subject because they’d never really known about the album in the first place.
By Jack August 21, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
For all her New Age bullshit, it seems that Brooke Mueller is just fucking crazy. Her former assistant is suing her for making him a drug mule, forcing him to have sex while she watched, and basically treating him like a slave. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, never trust a hippie.
Read about why it sucks to work for Brooke. (Dlisted)
Karina Smirnova looking hot in a pink bikini in Miami. (Popoholic)
Nicola Peltz in a skimpy bikini on a boat is what makes life worth living. (Drunken Stepfather)
Hayden Panettiere is still hot on her 25th birthday. (COED)
Justin Bieber shaves off his white trash ‘stache and the world rejoiced. (Huffington Post)
Rihanna fingers herself to protest school being hard and stuff. (The Superficial)
“Yay, The Devil’s Advocate is becoming a TV show”, said no one. (Moviepilot)
By Matt August 21, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
Some guy hung around outside of Rihanna’s house for three hours before he was scared off by a security guard. The cops caught the guy and since hanging around outside an auto-tuned pop singer’s house is not illegal they made some shit up and charged him with vandalism. The police think the guy is just a random petty criminal but Rihanna’s security guards claim he is a stalker. I’m going to trust the cops over the guys who tried to be cops and were denied based on background checks and the inability to run a flight of stairs. Claiming every sketchy asshole to be a stalker is definitely self serving publicity wise. The guy who stole the generator out of my garage at three in the morning was probably totally obsessed with me. He just wanted something of mine and is probably jerking off to it right now. I can’t change what happened but I’ve been leaving my keys in the car so I can make some new fans.
Photo Credit: Instagram