The Secret Service Is Gonna Get Obama Killed

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Obama

The Secret Service has taken a bad rap in recent years for banging prostitutes and getting wasted and not shooting Justin Bieber and burying him quietly in the Mojave desert. In recent weeks, knife wielding crazies seem to be trespassing into the White House with about as much difficulty as sneaking into a high school kegger. It’s possible the bell rang at Secret Service class before the teacher could answer, ‘And then what do we do if somebody climbs over the fence?’

A new report states the President rode an elevator earlier this month with an armed security contractor with three criminal convictions who was antagonizing the President and his entourage with his cell phone camera. People with criminal convictions are not supposed to be anywhere near the President, unless of course they’re members of his cabinet or Congressmen visiting from The Hill. And I’m pretty sure that rule goes double for convicted criminals carrying concealed hand guns.

It’s unclear how the Secret Service allowed this guy to share an elevator ride with the Commander in Chief. Maybe he slipped one of the agents some Taylor Swift tickets for his daughter in exchange for the once in a lifetime experience of going up and down with Barack. The President has to be a bit concerned with how poorly his human shield is protecting him these days. If I were Obama I’d swear in a a band of trained ninjas to shadow me in case my first line of defense starts tipping sizzurp and falling asleep on watch again. These wackadoos trying to get Obama might slip past a few hungover Federal agents, but they’re not surviving the throwing stars and blow guns.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Wiz Khalifa Went Out With a Bang

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:15 AM

Wiz

Amber Rose reportedly walked in on Wiz Khalifa banging twin sisters in their house, which was against their marital vows or something. This is according to DJ Peter Rosenberg, who claims Rose is a friend of his and also acknowledges being a bitchy little gossip queen. Rosenberg says Khalifa’s people spun the story a different way to make him seem less at fault. Those reps should have factored in the street points involved with bedding nubile young ebony twins. Rosenberg explained how it went down, most likely while nursing a four inch woody:

“Amber walked in on him with two women at the same time. Twins, twin sisters, twin biological sisters.”

Twin biological sisters is pretty freaking well played. Step sisters or soul sisters would’ve been like learning Santa didn’t really come down your chimney to leave you that firetruck. These chicks once shared an egg. Now they’re sharing your cock. That’s primal and crudely triumphant. Marriage is a sacred union, but sometimes you have to weigh your options. Especially when you are a straight guy married to a dude named Amber.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Amanda Bynes Has Gone Rogue, Again

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 3:38 PM

Amanda-Bynes-mom-and-dad

You know what’s thrice as likely to kill you than Ebola? Try Amanda Bynes off her psych meds and circling the city in her death beemer. Amanda’s anorexic parents said they thought she fled for New York after their conservatorship was lifted and only found out she was still local when they heard she was arrested for DUI in L.A. on Sunday. I guess that sort of defines the term cold comfort. Why they never reported their unhinged daughter was blasting like a schizo rocket back to New York to wreak havoc is still unexplained. It’s not like the scientists in Godzilla forgot to inform authorities that a 30-story nuclear charged reptile was headed for San Francisco. You’ve got some social responsibility to warn people about cataclysmic shit, even if deep down these two monsters are just well meaning sweethearts who got pushed into show business way too early.

Photo credit: PacificCoastNews

Ebola Is Finally Here, Huzzah!

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 3:05 PM

Ebola-Virus-Checkpoint

Not since the Africanized killer bees invaded the United States in the 80′s killing anywhere from ten million to four people have we faced such an epidemic from across the seas. Although I think the Africanized bees came from South America and that whole thing seemed kind of racist. Ebola is here. It was only a matter of time really since we started been providing red carpet landing ceremonies for every feverish traveler returning from Sierra Leone to be seen as inclusive. I think Malia Obama asked her dad for Ebola for Christmas since kids in tons of other countries were getting it already. It might be the other daughter whose name nobody remembers who will someday get tattoos.

Some patient just tested positive for Ebola in Dallas after returning from one of the clearly marked Ebola countries we just can’t seem to put a finger on when deciding who gets to enter the U.S.  Sort of like terrorists might be coming in from Syria or Iceland but we still haven’t figured out which. I’m not suggesting we tell people you can’t come back to the U.S. from Ebola central without a quarantine period and testing, I’m only suggesting that policy if we wish to live long enough to see the Browns win a Super Bowl.

Suelyn Medeiros Squats for Humanity

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

Suelyn Medeiros Does Squats In LA
The best a foreigner with a big ass and dark hair can hope for is to be called the Kim Kardashian of her home country. It bestows upon the recipient all claim and title to be oiled and ready for rapper or top three professional sports franchise guaranteed contract money ballers. Also, you get some bikini model gigs for in-kind trade and a case of Otter Pops. Suelyn Medeiros is the Kim Kardashian of Brazil. Though I’m pretty she’s from L.A. and might be Puerto Rican. This isn’t like Heisman voting, you can’t take trophies back after the fact. You can watch Medeiros squat in the park for no apparent reason and decide for yourself. Until I see her dripping something that originated in a dude who can rhyme ‘forty’ with ‘shorty’ I’m putting in my vote for inconclusive on the Kardashian comparison.

Photo Credit: Splash

Michael Phelps Arrested For DUI And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 30, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Swimmer and professional Olympics attender Michael Phelps was arrested for a DUI. He says he’s sorry because, you know, he got caught. Unfortunately, he did not get hurt.

Read about Michael Phelps’ night in jail. (TMZ)

Jessica Biel is either preggers or fat. Whatever, she’s still in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

The aptly named Luna Castilho is sexy as fuck. (Hollywood Tuna)

Michelle Vawers in lingerie makes my wiener do a happy dance. (Popoholic)

Lumpy troll Lena Dunham gets called out for her hypocrisy on Twitter. (The Superficial)

Jessica Chastain has some big ‘ol titties in UK Harpers Bazaar. (COED)

Playmate Iryna Ivanova is hot even if she’s in a Cardinals’ jersey. (Busted Coverage)

Jessica Alba Is Now Just Gloating

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:58 AM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Promoting The Honest Co
The more aw shucks Jessica gives on her Honest Company is worth a fucking billion dollars road tour the more I can’t help but feel she’s giving the middle finger to America. You should feel a little karma blessed when mommies on the westside of everywhere are getting your Ebola free diapers delivered to their homes on recurring monthly charges. Alba’s downplaying of hysterical mom market domination is equivalent to pretending her ass doesn’t look amazing in her tight jeans. Aw shucks, I just try to find something that fits my mom body. Aw shucks, my eco-awesome ass wipes venture is now worth a gazillion. Aw shucks, I can’t act but I’m in four films coming out in 2015 because I’m hot and every creature in this world with descended balls wants to have me. Just say it, woman. Nobody voted for Romney because he apologized for his seven mansions and awesome magic underwear. America secretly loves a gloater. Call yourself queen bitch and order all the ugly people to eat your shit. You won’t believe how well that works.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Kendall Jenner Tits Becoming Influential

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:10 AM

Kendall Jenner Shows Underboob During Fashion Show And Holds Up Signs After In Paris
Gay vampire fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld decided it’d be super chic to use a protest theme for his latest line of fashion perfect for the woman running a fragrance empire in a 1970′s. Protests are very popular these days. War torn populations begging for basic human rights, starving throngs demanding the overthrow of corrupt governments, and recently deflowered clove smoking girls cruising the catwalk in Paris hawking pricey shmata. No one group owns the right to assemble in protest.

Kendall Jenner and Cara Delevingne carried on their protest march theme even after leaving the show mostly because nobody rebooted their analog programming. They converted the mock fashion show protest into a real live social activation on Twitter by hashtagging Free the Nipple, that online campaign designed to give middle aged men more things to whack off to at their computers. Kendall Jenner officially graduated from being just an uneducated walking mannequin to an uneducated walking mannequin having Cara Delevingne go down on her in the back of a car. Hashtag Fuck High School if you know what I’m saying.

Photo Credit: INF