Rihanna, the NFL, and Face Punching: The Real Story

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 8:23 AM

Rihanna

The NFL’s Three Stooges stop motion scramble to cover its ass in the wake of the Ray Rice scandal involved some buffoonery with using a Rihanna song in the new pre game show. The NFL apparently planned to use the song as a tie in to the domestic violence elephant in their guilt laden repentance tinged opening. They put out a press release advertising the former punching bag’s involvement in the show.

“CBS & NFL Network ‘Run This Town’ for Thursday Night Football Open with Music Featuring Rihanna & Narration by Don Cheadle.”

Rihanna’s people felt this was exploitive because her involvement was limited to background music, and it was obvious the NFL was involved in some ham fisted PR bullshit so juvenile it was most likely conceived of under some bleachers. According to them, Rihanna’s label didn’t grant the rights to use the song because of this.

“Due to the misuse and misrepresentation of Rihanna’s name and participation in connection to CBS TNF, CBS was not allowed to license and utilize the song ‘Run This Town.’ Roc Nation made the decision to not grant the song’s usage.”

The NFL responded by pretending to voluntarily exclude the song from the show, insinuating that they did it in good taste, which is the same reason they wanted to use the song before they were not able to. Basically the NFL thinks they run our cultural landscape like Kim Jong un rules North Korea. If he misses a putt, someone will either move the green or tap it in when he’s not looking. Surely they are onto the fact that we all know they are lying and twisting everything, and still have no choice but to watch football. Its called a dictatorship. Rihanna should be pissed, although she doesn’t mind being taken advantage of and will quickly wash away the pain by banging a strange man with sideburns on a yacht.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Dwight Howard Can’t Stop

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 8:00 AM

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Dwight Howard was busted by red light cameras 9 times in 10 months for not waiting and just going through them, presumably on dark Florida nights headed for some parking lot blow jobs at the Chuck E Cheese. It’s very satisfying to run those lights when no cars are within sight. You promise yourself you’ll use the time you saved to write a letter to your grandma or organize your closet until you get home and start looking at porn. Howard stopped his habit at 9 tickets, but recently got another one which means a suspended license. He can reinstate it for $285 bucks, because you can drag race through red lights on bath salts if you keep paying the state of Florida. In California he would have been thrown into county for having an oversized license plate frame. No wonder he ditched the Lakers.

Warren Buffet, Ringmaster

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 7:32 AM

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Warren Buffet had plans to walk Floyd Mayweather into the ring along with Justin Bieber and Wiz Khalifa during the most recent boring preordained Mayweather decision. But Buffet’s company kiboshed his bucket list bastardization. Not because Mayweather is a self-promoting illiterate batterer of men and women, but because a Mayweather documentary shows his posse hanging out smoking weed. Its a good thing corporate America has their priorities in line. Weed bad, violence, meh, it wins wars. Buffet still hung out with Mayweather before the fight in an attempt to duplicate Mayweather’s sociopathic steely eyed look the next time he has to tell a hundred factory workers he’s moving the plant to China. Sorry, fellas, but here’s Justin Bieber to sing you out.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Budweiser Drunk Rants The NFL

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 6:49 AM

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Anheuser Busch, the official beer of both the NFL and spousal abuse, released a statement questioning the league’s handling of the encephalopathy victims it has created who are currently running amok. Anheuser took some time from their legal efforts to get alcohol into the hands of soccer hooligans and released a statement:

“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season. We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”

The booze business is tough if you have strong morals. It turns out most of society’s problems are based on drunken people doing anti-helpful drunken shit. The odds Ray Rice had an Anheuser product in his system when he cold clocked his wife match the overwhelming probability that Budweiser plans to do nothing to address violent drunks outside of writing this lame letter. If Budweiser were truly concerned with poor behavior it could pull its product off the shelves and get into the coconut water business. Nobody ever mooned their high school principal on grad night because of too much coconut water.

Of course nobody expects that. We’ve all signed a social contract that says we are going to get fucked up on Bud and deal with the consequences after the fact by making self-righteous statements about the evils of alcohol. In that spirit, Anheuser should shut up and enjoy the show and ask that Ray Rice be forced to use the stairs after visiting their luxury box.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Apple Creates U2 Garbage Disposal

By Matt September 17, 2014 @ 6:18 AM

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In light of a new marketing partnership between Apple and U2, 500 million users iCloud accounts had U2′s new album synched to them all by the process of waving a wand and yelling Shazam. All 500 million customers found this annoying except for two guys in acid washed jeans who drive Porches. The album was clearly hastily thrown together in the name of commercialism as opposed to art. Most young iClouders knows Bono as that old guy who cries about human rights but gladly accepts checks from Apple without a tour of its Chinese prison factories. In response to a flood of complaints, Apple set up a program that allows you to delete the entire album in one click, although it might take two if the track you’re playing out of morbid curiosity is especially preachy. In terms of free shit on the Internet recently, I’d have to rank this comped U2 album slightly above a Trojan virus and well below Kate Upton’s tits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

John Travolta Plunges Into Gay Rumors

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 3:08 PM

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Nobody denies a gay rumor like John Travolta. It’s like watching a pro at his best. He doesn’t really deny them so much as say he laments the state of the modern media or changes the subject by mentioning his tragically deceased teenage son. Nobody really gives a shit anymore if John Travolta like a little cock for breakfast. Maybe twenty years ago it was interesting only because everybody in Hollywood was still in the closet and audiences chose to believe in their hetero masculinity. Now most people have decided to remember that at least half of their drama club in high school was gay and didn’t suddenly discover a love of vagina on their way to Hollywood or Broadway. The only reason the gay Travolta stuff keeps coming up is the repeated lawsuits from masseuses and former employees alleging Travolta is a cockenstuffer of the highest order. Also, there’s the whole scary Megan’s Law meets David Geste painted face and hair thing going on too, but that’s more creepy than gay.

Travolta is currently being outed by Douglas Gotterba, a pilot who worked for Travolta’s aircraft company in the 80′s and now wants to write a book about he and Travolta joined the Mile High Cock Club together. I guess that might sell a couple copies to somebody somewhere. Travolta had Gotterba sign a confidentiality agreement when he left the company years ago that specifically stated no spilling the beans about trade secrets or Travolta grunting out ‘Mr. Kotter’ during anal sex. Gotterba is suing to overturn the agreement so his book isn’t both sucky and boring. I couldn’t possibly care less if he wins or not. I’ll just assume everything he asserts about cock play is true and save myself some Kindle money for when the Kevin Spacey book comes out.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Adrian Peterson Really Hates Kids And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 16, 2014 @ 2:15 PM

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Adrian Peterson is accused of beating a completely different four year old bastard than the one he whooped with a switch. Some people are calling this a sign he has a pattern of abusing his children. I say, he’s just making sure he treats them all equally. Great dads do that.

Read more about Adrian Peterson’s parenting tips. (The Superficial)

Julianne Hough has some big ‘ol titties. But you knew that already. (Huffington Post)

Rihanna is a sucky singer but a good bikini wearer. (Drunken Stepfather)

Eva Mendes shit out Ryan Gosling’s handsome womb troll. (Fox News)

Whoever designed the Colombian bike team’s uniforms is a dirty perv. (Dlisted)

Martha Hunt in a bikini is everything. (Popoholic)

Anastasia Ashley is wearing a bathing suit that is mostly not there. (Hollywood Tuna)

Rihanna Pissed at the NFL

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 1:26 PM

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Rihanna’s firing back at the NFL for pulling her opening song for last week’s Thursday night football because the game involved the Ravens and the Ray Rice story was hot and heavy and when people think of Rihanna they think of her being punched in the face by angry Chris Brown. Or, just because the NFL vacillates between under-reacting and over-reacting to unexpected news like an unmedicated bipolar on her period. That’s a cheap shot at both the mentally ill and women when I really just wanted to mock the NFL. This abusive trap is easy to fall into.

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It’s a nice sentiment, Rihanna. If you owned your own publishing and master recording rights, it might actually mean something. It does suck that Rihanna got punched in the face and now she has to deal with the consequences while Chris Brown conducts his court-ordered community service which seems mostly to be playing ball and banging hookers and throwing rocks at his mom. There’s no denying victim stigma. It lingers. If you have a choice between a famous rapping boyfriend with a bad temper and, say, a tax accountant who will let you sit on his face while you eat Rocky Road and then thanks you for the privilege, consider the option that gets you punched less.

Photo credit: Rihanna/Twitter