Uncle Terry Is Back

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 1:18 PM

Anouchka Alsif Topless In Tube Socks For Lui
Terry Richardson returned to center stage of mediocre camera work and high end dick-to-ear slapping with this French model he found on ChristianMingle. It sucks when Jesus’ plan for your holy romance involves crawling across Uncle Terry’s hardwood floor in nothing but crunchy tube socks. The allegations against Richardson seemed to have calmed. No criminal charges were filed and most everybody tacitly agreed that nineteen year old foreign models are going to experience all kinds of nasty behavior as a matter of apprenticeship. It’s like a boot camp private complaining about mental abuse. Without obvious bruising, it’s hard to get past a ‘Go fuck yourself, Nancy’ in terms of caring.

Photo Credit: Lui Magazine

Seth Rogen’s Hot Box And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 04, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Sony Pictures former chief Amy Pascal says she can’t move into the offices previously occupied by Seth Rogen because the smell of weed is overpowering. It’s possible she’s confusing skunky pot smell with the stench of making the same mildly funny movie over and over again.

Read, like, Seth’s, like, response, man. (Huffington Post)

It’s Wednesday, here are some fine lady booties. (The Chive)

Blanca Padilla is nearly naked in this lingerie shoot. (Egotastic)

Mama June wants TLC to pay for Honey Boo Boo’s future type 2 diabetes medicine. (TMZ)

Rita Ora wore a see-through shirt and you can totally see her nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

Ildiko Ferenczi uses her tits to sell expensive water. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hilary Duff shows off some deep cleav in Cosmo. (Popoholic)

FEMEN Vs. Zuckerberg, Not A Fair Fight

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 11:56 AM

Femen Activists Protest At The Entrance Of The 2015 Mobile World Congress During The Opening Day In Barcelona
The ever-boisterous garden club ladies of FEMEN were protesting in Barcelona outside some tech conference where Mark Zuckerberg was set to announce that he owns all you bitches, drop the mic, and depart through the ceiling in his four city block sized hovercraft. The topless feminists are pissed that Facebook is censoring their topless protest pictures. They obviously see it as political, oblivious to Zuck’s massive phobia surrounding engorged breasts and female genitalia. He’s not gay, he’s just super weird and has a shit ton of money, which means you’re not going to win. The man doesn’t want nipples in his house, there will be no nipples. Without passing any value judgements, my eyes and balls tell me this is the FEMEN B-team. I’m not sure they had their heart in this one.

Photo Credit: Getty

Chris Brown Has A Child, Karrueche Bails

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Chris Brown Has A Child Karrueche Bails
Breaking the news to your long time girlfriend that you’ve been declared dad to some other chick’s new baby is no simple task. You’re going to want to find a nice public spot and make sure she’s sober. Also, stretch your rapper credit line at the jewelry store. Something ostentatious, but tacky. Karrueche Tran seemed to catch wind of something in the air, not to mention service of process papers on the kitchen table, because last week she asked on Instgram if anybody knows a Nia. That named turned out to be the swift thinking young lady who pushed out Brown’s new bastard baby and instantly became ten times wealthier than her peers who took the abortion fun bucks. Karrueche Tran decided to quit Chris Brown. The arrests and assaults and drugs and gang ties didn’t bother her so much, but a baby, fuck no. That’s her practical Vietnamese side coming out. And, yes, that is a compliment. You don’t need that shit. At least not until the rent on your sweet condo Brown pays for comes overdue. Principles aside, look for Tran to be pushing Brown’s bastard around the Westside parks with the illegals by the next moon.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kim Kardashian Making More Apps

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 9:47 AM

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Kim Kardashian is on the cover of AdWeek. Probably not related to AdWeek naming her whoring and shopping mobile game for tweens the hottest app of the year. Major media is more incestuous than the Duggars. You know dad is creating those new grandkids. The article allows Kim to pretend she played some important design role in her current game and the next twenty-seven games she’ll release because young girls are stupid and we no longer protect them from bad things.

Something that really worked in the game that was kind of an accident are the updates. For example, your character can go on vacation to Mexico, and that’s one of the places that I go all the time.

That’s just insane. The leading edge of the IQ bell curve spent 11 billion minutes last year pretending to be a virtual Kim Kardashian on their phones. That’s 11 billion minutes that could’ve been spent listening to Kesha or watching Nickelodeon or being the precocious girl who plays up a few grades at high school rainbow parties. In short, Kim Kardashian is providing a valuable service for just a few bucks with no real victims. Hmm, I bet there’s a name for that profession.

Photo Credit: Adweek/Instagram

Steve Simoff Is Up to No Good

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 9:12 AM

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On the heels of the Detroit guy who walked 21 miles a day to a crappy paying job for no good reason, the media have sussed out an old guy in Iowa who walks 35 miles each way to get to his $9 an hour gig as an overnight janitor. According to newspaper accounts bolstered by his bandwagon Congressman, Steve Simoff walks a marathon plus eight miles to get to work five days a week to support his sick wife and unemployed adult grandson. It’s a great story, even if not mathematically possible. But let’s just say Simoff walks a long fucking way. He leaves home at 3:30 with his peanut butter sandwich to get to the Casino by 11:00pm for his night shift. He hitches here and there but still puts in a solid ten hours a day walking. In the snow. In winter.  Along the Interstate. He works eight, leaving him time to get home, flop down for a few hours and head back out on the road for that sweet sweeping gig he doesn’t want to lose. It’s tiring, but he has his dip and coffee.

Either Simoff is making up an excuse to spend days away from his sick wife and live-at-home pothead grandkid, or he’s one stupid fuck. This isn’t an unsung American hero, this is a dolt tearing through shoes every other month to spend 18 hours a day taking home 72 bucks before taxes. He’s effectively earning $4 an hour as the responsible head of household. You can’t find a way to get a $4 an hour gig closer to home? You don’t think the fast food joint at the end of the block wouldn’t pay a 61-year old white guy with tremendous lungs $8 to run the fryer? You show up five days straight and they’d probably name you manager. You could find babysitting gigs on your block that probably pay you twice your mopping job at the casino. Wait? Casino? I’d have my Congressional aides dig into this story a bit more before shaking this dude’s hand at the 4H.

Photo credit: DesMoines Register

Suge Knight Ailing

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

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Suge Knight told a judge he is going blind in prison because he doesn’t have access to proper medical care. He was taken to a hospital where he pocketed six scalpels and an elderly Jewish attorney from dialysis. Knight was previously hospitalized after having a panic attack, which is weird because the only treatment for a panic attack is to drink a bottle of Makers or not be in prison and neither of those things you can do while in prison. I might be naive but I think Knight is planning an escape. Get put into the AIDS ward and then make a run for it. Probably shouldn’t have shared the toothbrushes. Shit they’ve trained the rifles on me. Is this a good time to mention I suffer from fibromyalgia? Knight is most likely going to die in prison while suffering from heart palpitations. He always made all of us nervous. Now he’s doing it to himself.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

You Can Stop Feeling Bad About Yourself

By Matt March 04, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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The most comprehensive study on dick size ever has found your average dude is packing 5.16 inches or a six adjacent as he’ll casually tell you. This is curious because according to this study only five percent of dudes have a hogan over six inches. Doctors measured a bunch of dicks from the pubic bone to the tip of the glans, which differs slightly from time tested method of starting at the back of the ball sack while looking through a telescope. They also found no correlation between rocking a huge piece and height, weight or foot size. That sucks for tall guys. Your best bet remains being a little fella so your dick looks huge in perspective. Justin Bieber’s dick is the size of a garden snail but in the right light makes ladies gasp. A tree looks bigger in a parking lot than it does in the forest. Worst comes to worst throw a McGriddle in your whiteys. We might be able to put this to rest now. There is still no cure for cancer.

Photo Credit: CalvinKlein.com