George Clooney Made a Long Speech About Nothing

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:54 AM

Nobody Cares About George Clooney
George Clooney is one of those guys who makes sure to announce he doesn’t have the right to lecture you on anything, then spends the next thirty minutes heatedly exercising that right. Today, it’s Hollywood backing down to North Korea. Or the parts of Hollywood who aren’t one of his 597 important buddies. So I think he’s mostly blaming a janitor at Warner Bros.

What we don’t need happening in any of our industries is censorship. The FBI guys said this could have happened to our government. That’s how good these guys were. It’s a serious moment in time that needs to be addressed seriously, as opposed to frivolously. That’s what is most important here.

Clooney’s rage seems mostly aimed at the media for covering his friend Amy Pascal’s racist joke emails and not the fact that North Korean just cyber-attacked a U.S. company which has only been going on daily with Russia, China, Iran, and Muslim state-sponsored terrorist groups for the past ten years now. It is possible nobody in Hollywood noticed because they have great home theater speakers. Clooney could’ve blamed Obama, but he golfs with him, or the major network news outlets, but they all come to his fundraisers, as do the studio chiefs, major agencies, production houses, and everybody else important in media who he couldn’t really blame either. So, again, fuck you janitor at Warner Bros. for not letting us see The Interview on Christmas Day.

Photo Credit AKM-GSI

Kate Upton Is the Sexiest

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:15 AM

Kate Upton Named Sexiest Woman Alive For People Magazine
In between their pages filled with unchallenged pedophile confessions and Obama family racial injustices, People magazine had time to name Kate Upton the sexiest woman alive. Probably an awkward moment for Kate Upton who has asked that she not be treated like a sex object, just a woman who makes a living off her tits and flirty smile. To reinforce her point, Kate had Justin Verlander create the message ‘I am a real person’ on her shoulder in spunk.

Asking a magazine for women with IQs hovering around the current price of a barrel of crude to select the sexiest woman alive is a dicy proposition. Somehow they managed better than Maxim.

Photo Credit: Getty/The Man Magazine

Gwyneth Paltrow Introduces Her Readers to Great Sex

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 11:03 AM

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Her Goop Readers In An Intro To Tantra
Gwyneth Paltrow seems like the perfect woman to be instructing other women on the glory of sexual exploration. I wouldn’t read to much into her henpecking Gay Beethoven until he fled in the middle of the night with his travel piano. She could’ve been legs akimbo in the sex swing every afternoon and all he was inspired to do was write a song about a medical book he read as a child. Gwyneth isn’t going to let that happen to her high-end frigid Goop clients. She launched a special feature digging into the world of Tantra, which is the Indian word for long, slow, creepy sex between dudes with ponytails and women who talk a lot about sensual aromas but mostly smell like liverwurst.

I read the article twice and gleaned the fact that married couples get bored with each other very quickly and the sex suffers. This can be cured if the husband orders his wife to get loaded on wine when she gets home, take a bath, and then drowns in the tub and he finds himself a hot young second wife replacement. Also by staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Unless you’re charging money over a live stream, I’ve never seen the need for sex to last longer than a commercial break, maybe a half-time break if it’s her birthday. If women want amazingly grateful and hard working lovers, they should follow the lead of our nation’s high school English teachers and start fucking high school boys who will go down on them for an hour in exchange for buying up beer. You won’t read that advice on Goop, it’s too useful.

Photo Credit: Getty/”Thank You For Sharing” Lionsgate

Joanna Krupa Has It Good

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Joanna Krupa Wears A Tight, Short Sweater Dress While Dining In Beverly Hills
I bet this former working woman never gets mistaken for a valet when she leaves restaurants. That’s an Obama burden she will never know. Hot blond women will never have to bite on a coin after being mistaken for a shoe shine or asked if they’re holding large quantities of crack cocaine by a dude on his way to a VH-1 after party. Being groped and molested since six probably sucked, but having the dad from 7th Heaven put your hand on his junk is nothing compared to being mistaken for a waiter at a black tie fundraiser.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Reese Witherspoon Topless Acting As Craft

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 9:16 AM

Reese Witherspoon Nude Scenes From Wild
I’m going to guess this scene is about two seconds of the move Wild. It’s about a woman who overcomes personal tragedy by showing off her tits and sucking some dude’s finger. I’m mostly gleaning that from the photos. I actually think it’s about a woman who overcomes personal loss by going on a really long and dangerous hike. Many people find that dangerous outdoor activities help them recover from trauma in their life. Though mostly in the movies. In real life it pales by sheer numbers to people who take up drinking and casual sex and hating the world. If I was posting a profile, I’d probably mention the hiking over the drinking and destructive behavior if you want any chance of adding that casual sex element.

Photo Credit: Fox Searchlight

Mariah Carey Is A Thankless Job

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 7:44 AM

Mariah Carey Preforming In A Sling At A Sandy Relief Benefit In New York

Mariah Carey’s former personal assistant is suing her. Ysler Oliver said she was not paid for working overtime. Personal assistant is a weird job. You’re basically standing in for the unsuccessful sibling who maybe turned down the care-taking gig.  It’s babysitting for a high strung adult. Every now and then you get slammed with work or sexually harassed but for the most part you’re just chilling at a sick house watching an entire Walking Dead Marathon and billing the boss. Technically it was on the clock.

Isn’t this really about not getting an invite to the Holiday Party? I work countless hours eating the Lean Cuisines from the extra fridge in the garage and this is the thanks I get? Who would have known Mariah Carey would turn out to be a bitch when you took the job. When she asked you to wax the small hairs on her ass her esthetician missed, you shouldn’t have starting warming the paraffin, but you did, and sealed your fate. I’m sorry you signed a confidentiality agreement that prevents you from cashing in with a tell-all book. Invoking labor laws is pretty desperate. I hope that settlement money covers you for a good long while because you will never hold Kleenex packets for an important person again in your life.

Photo Credit: INF, WENN

Lingerie Still Trashy, Possibly Contaminated

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria's Secret

Four years ago Jeff Rossen did an Investigative Report which revealed stores who sell lingerie often re-sell returned items, because it was Sweeps or he’s a pervert or both. Something about a dude bringing hidden cameras into a Victoria’s Secret seems way too Chuck Berry. Following up exactly four years later and therefore also during Sweeps, it turns out most places still recycle satin thongs which have been exposed to open wounds and scabs. Victoria’s Secret, Marshall’s, and Walmart all issued apologies explaining their stock holders would rather you be exposed to the herp than their bottom line take a 1.2% hit. Also, if you’re buying lingerie at Walmart the genital itching is the least of your problems.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you’re popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don’t do anything besides get pearl necklaced on Beta or cut a hook you didn’t write every few years give or take. Paying for followers is highly necessary when you’re dramatically uninteresting. I’m convinced David Spade did this with actual women in the late 1980′s. This is a new generation. Fake it till you make it. Then keep faking it and deny your popularity is not only greatly exaggerated but also based on a vast conspiracy called taking one of those free classes on Social Networking at the Apple Store.

Photo Credit: Instagram