By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 12:01 PM
I prefer the girls whose day jobs don’t involved walking around the beach in a bikini waiting for nuclear arms dealers with eye patches to ask them to be their evil Bond movie villainess. They don’t look completely carefree about having their privates a simple loosened clasp away from exposure to men and Carmen Miranda tributing Cuban trannies that freely roam Miami Beach. They adjust their bikinis constantly because they remember what their moms told them about what good girls do and it didn’t include labia shows on the top of every hour. Selfie that shit or it never really happened.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 11:50 AM
All the big names in Hollywood whose names I couldn’t remember showed up to see Lance Bass shatter the stigma of same sex marriage that people stopped caring about at least five years ago. The former ‘N Sync member married that other dude in the photo who looked like at least sixty-percent of his brain was rooting for a North Korean nuclear assault before he was asked if he promised to love, honor, and cover Lance Bass’s defaulted credit lines to death do they part. I’ll figure out his name before they announce they are separating as great friends nine months from now or whenever their reality show doesn’t get picked up for renewal. I’m glad that we live in a world where nobody can give a shit about another gay wedding. I’m less glad that nobody told Lance Bass.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 11:30 AM
I admire photographers who take a great deal of time and effort into composing complicated productions. Water is the universal symbol of life and rebirth. Topless Swedish chicks in water are the universal symbol of uncomfortable erections. It’s all in the Farmer’s Almanac somewhere next to where it predicts rain on Hilary Clinton’s swearing in ceremony.
Photo Credit: Chadwick Tyler
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:55 AM
Sometimes, you see somebody getting out of a six-figure car and you think to yourself, I wonder how they got so big. There’s no need for questions with Kim Kardashian. I like that about her. That dwarf can be stationed any of of the possible 360 degrees of rotation and you can at least spot how she afforded the custom Rover. If her cracks could speak, you’d learn about the origins of the remainder of her fortune. It’s all right there. Like an eager graduate with a stack of resumes hitting the interviews in his dad’s suit. Only, Kim didn’t graduate, though she is likely wearing something from stepdad’s closet.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 10:34 AM
As Amy Pascal tried to hide in Manhattan, Sony announced it would not bow down to terrorists. When making a bold statement of resolve, it is important to first bend over and allow your opponent to fuck your repeatedly in the ass until they’re spent and tired and in need of a nap. That’s where true victory lies, the big score after the game has ended and the fans have all gone home, with the jizz of your enemy pooling in your bloodied bottom.
Sony got serious about releasing The Interview right after announcing it would not release the film. They hired famed attorney David Boies who helped Al Gore become not President in 2000 to lead the effort with bullshit statements and half-truths. Boies immediately clarified that Sony’s pulling of the film was merely a planned delay, sort of like when you ditch your girl at the altar to go on a sex tour of Thailand you’re merely delaying your nuptials. At $1400 an hour, he wasn’t finished:
I think that what we have to do is use the president’s recognition of the importance of this issue as a rallying cry, so that all Americans can unite against what is really a threat to our national security.
Right there’s your Braveheart, bitch. You could almost see the streams of supporters following Obama’s limp dicked speech about getting back at North Korea like he was Rocky stretching the limits of his lungs up the Philadelphia Museum of Art stairs. The Interview isn’t just a film going to pay-per-view, it’s a film you have to rent if you love your mother and America. Sony had this figured out all along. They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:26 AM
Antonio Banderas smiles these days very much like a man who ditched his old lady for a girl whose nipples still point ceiling-ward when she steps out of the shower. That’s not a metaphor so much as actually what happened. The celebrity magazines keep mentioning how Antonio looks in love, how this is some super smart Dutch banker he’s dating, and how they seem to be naturally aligned soul mates. But if we’re being honest we can just talk about the sheer dick joy of banging a chick half your age. Out with the old, in with the new. When did that start being a bad thing?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 22, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
This French model is like 8’2″ so naturally they had her climb the rocks in Miami like she was the world’s tallest Cuban defector, which she would’ve had at 5’7″, but why not go big when you’re paying for talent. With normalized relations with Cuba, we’ve probably seen the last of eighteen Communism success stories packed in a modified ’58 Oldsmobile rafts floating on the trade winds for South Florida. At least Sean Penn won’t have to pretend those half-dead immigrants are coming to American to sing the praises of the Cuban universal healthcare system. That was always awkward. Not quite as awkward as a giant flashing her diaper on the beach in Miami, but very very close.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 8:15 AM
Lea Michele posts an awful lot of photos of herself doing yoga. Michele sees the ancient eastern practice as a way to clear one’s head and achieve inner enlightenment. At which point you definitely need to show everyone in the world how great your abs look. Your spiritual quest is usually complete at the very point you’re most fuckable. It’s because spirituality is all relative. If everyone felt great all the time we’d just start nitpicking more. Hey bitch, my chakras are in line and your roots are showing. It’s the chicks who need to lose five pounds who may never find themselves spiritually. Because they’re kind of pissed about chicks like yourself.
Photo Credit: Instagram