Maitland Ward Works Out Well

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

Maitland Ward Shows Her Nips While Working Out
I’m assuming this chick who was once on Boy Meets World knows she’s being photographed working out. It’s not so much the elaborate stretches in a sunlit courtyard so much as the wet braless tank top thing. You only see that in gym scenes in porn. Working out on this elliptical in some guys carpeted bedroom makes me want to have sex on a stage set decorated with one fake bench and locker as well. I don’t mind a ruse when it’s backed by large pre-moistened breasts. I’m all in.

Photo Credit: Splash

Cameron Diaz In Her Underwear

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 11:59 AM

Cameron Diaz In Her Underwear For German GQ
Cameron Diaz used to be good looking and act shy and modest and pretend she wasn’t. Now she and her publicity team are pushing really hard to make you believe she’s still that same girl. Even in German, it’s not nearly as enticing. Nobody goes through the A-Rod sex and HGH cocktail ringer and comes out more feminine on the other end. If the thrice a day banging doesn’t get you, the equine spermatozoa is certain to lower your voice an octave and drop a pair of fully formed Penny Marshalls out of your cooch. Photoshop is a band-aid, not a building block. It’s probably time for Cameron to hang up the kinky garters. I say this out of love. I still look back fondly at the random dude at the gym who told me it was time to stop with the mesh tops. It stings, but when the pain fades, you’re in a better place.

Photo Credit: GQ Germany

Iggy Azalea Might Be Screwed, On Tape

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 10:59 AM

Iggy Azalea Wears Very Short Skirt While Performing In UK
The amount of dicks you must suck and shitty contracts you must sign to catch a break in the music business is rather extraordinary. If you come from a famous family or happen to be a teen TV star you can get into the music thing with probably just a few gropes and inappropriate jokes. But for a girl like Amethyst Amelia Kelly, aka, Iggy Azalea, every rung of the ladder is crafted out of some conniving dude’s cock. Like Hefe Wine. He was Iggy’s manager and fuck buddy. He got her to sign a release form in 2009 that says he can produce and distribute all filmed content of her. It was designed for music videos and performances, but since he can now make a shitload more selling videos of him boinking her in the ass, he’s claiming if he sets the sex tape to music, he’s bulletproof on the legals.

I’m torn on Hefe’s claim. While he is clearly doing a screw job on Iggy, I’d like to see that screw job for myself. As with all moral conflicts, I consult my minister than err heavily on the side of what gives me the most immediate gratification.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Lady Gaga In Seashells And A Thong

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:58 AM

Lady Gaga In Seashells And A Thong Performing In Athens
Trannies are born with the instinct for a powerful entrance. Leaving the spotlight quietly, not so much. Lady Gaga channeled the Birth of Venus mixed with Fire Island glory hole trap when she arrived in Athens to help the Greeks forget about their bankruptcy and government employee riots for a while. The European continent is a time warp for flailing American and British music acts who can translate their downswings into three decade long tribute tours in nations where Members Only jackets are just coming into vogue. Lady Gaga may never leave the stage, but at least the lights are starting to dim.

Photo Credit: INF

Howie Mandel Stares at Heidi Klum’s Tits

By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:32 AM

Heidi Klum Wears Low Cut Dress To AGT Final Howie Stares At Her Chest
Howie Mandel is a freak, but he’s as inexorably bound by the compulsions of the cock and balls as the next guy. He’s going to peek at German model tits near his face. I once had a woman in an exceedingly low cut top call me out for staring at her yabbos in the produce department at a Whole Foods. I said, I’m sorry I thought I was supposed to. I tried masturbating thinking about her later that day but it just didn’t work. Why she had to go and ruin such a beautiful moment I do not know. Hey, look, my tits, no don’t look, perv. Too confusing. Put a sweater on a let me buy my six dollar avocados in peace, woman.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Nick Cannon Lets Shoes Do The Talking

By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 9:06 AM

Cannon

Nick Cannon is rocking a pair of $2million dollar diamond studded shoes on America’s Got Talent, because aside from talent, America’s also got serious issues with consumerism. This stunt gives your average low physical activity viewer a chance to marvel at how truly happy Cannon must be with his leased props as they ignore their former loved ones and stuff refrigerated Taco Bell Crunchwraps into their gobs. The shoes are actually some of Cannon’s best material. Some entertainers garner attention by breaking down societal barriers or pushing the boundaries of censorship. Cannon’s attempt at edginess will feature him still being utterly boring but wearing some shoes featuring blood diamonds and an extremely obnoxious gay guy glued to some other shoes. It’s a fitting tribute to America, as viewers soak up the shiny shoes and Pizza Hut ads while being hypnotized into listening to Cannon’s contrite teleprompter reciting. Putting an evening gown on a Port Authority crack whore does not make her a respectable date, and these shoes to not obscure the fact that Nick Cannon is so mindblowingly uninteresting that million dollar shoes or suicide are the only two reasons he might be talked about.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lolo Jones Keeps Losing

By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 8:44 AM

Repeated non-winner Lolo Jones driveled some fairly transparent attention seeking after losing on Dancing With The Stars. Jones is known for being kind of hot and losing a ton of shit that she was never expected to win. She receives extensive media coverage because she is not covered with hairy moles like her competitors. Her elimination on Dancing with the Stars was most likely due to the fact that people overwhelmingly hate her whether they are bobsled teammates or Americans making poor choices in entertainment. The site of her contrived demon battling face instinctively makes you want to locate the neighborhood children and confirm their safety. Jones’ dramatized Facebook soliloquy does little to betray the fact its based on a cheese dick reality show about ballroom dancing:

“When I was dancing last night and messed up I had flashbacks of the three Olympics and that people constantly tease me about. I thought oh no here it comes again. People are going to ridicule me. I’m so tired of feeling embarrassed. I joined the other competitors upstairs and I couldn’t force a smile on my face. I felt like vomiting and in between the other dances I went in a back room and fought back tears. I felt so broken. So unlovable. Embarrassed”

Jones is running out of things to lose at. I see the next step in her cultural pollution tour as becoming an Evangelical preacher. Its a perfect gig for the psychotically sappy. In fact she showed some solid chops on her Facebook rant:

“That is my way of thinking. Not Gods. Instead I need to trust God that he would heal my heart. That I would not work so hard for the world to validate and redeem me but know that God already conquered that for me on the cross.”

I wouldn’t over think it. Just say thanks for the ass and protein shake and move on. It should be interesting to see who Jones will continue to disappoint in the future as she has alienated all personal contacts and family members up to this point. They probably need a few Pastors in rural Tibet.

Ariana Grande Has No Good Side

By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 8:26 AM

Grande

Ariana Grande is being scolded by the celebrity media as being too demanding. One of these spurned Jack in the Boxes is leaking info about Grande’s habit of making sure she is only interviewed and photographed from the left side of her human body:

“The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from  X side… With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning, three people come to make sure before Ariana enters the room. Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”

Here’s some shit revelation. All celebrities have publicists who make all sorts of obnoxious demands of the press because that’s how they earn their tram tickets to Hell. The entertainment media still kiss ass until their lips are bare of flesh in order to get celebrity access. It’s a whores game. Everybody walks away with an uncomfortable itch. What’s your point? It’d be much better if Ariana herself punched you in the kidney for shooting her from the wrong angle? The very reason to be rich is to have little minions do your annoying chores for you.

I’ve seen Ariana Grande from both sides and I don’t blame her for being fanatical about this shooting angle thing. From the left side, she looks like a tasty piece of ass any record industry exec would fuck in exchange for stardom. From the right, like the after picture in a Dangers of Venereal Disease film strip from the 50′s. Her looks are her music. She’s just protecting her future.

Photo Credit: Instagram