By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
Sarah Blake is a poet who has written a book of poetry about Kanye West. It was published by the Wesleyan University Press because publishing books nobody buys allows you to pretend you’re on the cultural vanguard. In fact you’re publishing books about hipster twats who are writing poems about Kanye West. A sample of Blake’s insufferable nonsense:
“The first poem I wrote, ‘Kanye’s Circulatory System,’ was actually still about my grandfather.”
If your grandfather were here, he’d beat you with that crappy book of yours. His generation won wars and fucked without condoms because neither unexpected babies nor their dicks falling off bothered them. Not as much as shit poetry. Blake was once granted a Literature Fellowship from the National Endowment for the Arts, which means your tax dollars are contributing to this horse shit. I reaffirm my belief that most people in grad school are unemployable. You could boycott the book but nobody would notice.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 7:35 AM
Jamie Foxx is being labeled ‘transphobic’ after he read off a couple weakly written joke about Bruce Jenner at the I Heart Radio Music Awards. Foxx was completely unaware that certain groups are off limits when it comes to jokes. That might seem like discrimination but if you have six hours someone will gladly explain it to you as you protect your face. It should be noted Foxx was joking about a dude who is actively involved in selling every inch of his personal life to reality television and not a random wigged haberdasher in the front row:
“We have some groundbreaking performances here too tonight. We got Bruce Jenner, will be here doing some musical performances. He’s doing a his and her duet all by himself. Look, I’m just busting your balls, while I still can.”
Bruce Jenner needs to be made fun of. His impending cock lopping is the only interesting thing about him. This was the fiftieth most offensive thing that happened at this show behind multiple Chris Brown cutaways and the fact it exists. Wake me when the bad jokes are about people not trying to turn a buck on their fame. You dance with the devil and you just might have dick jokes made about you.
By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Aaron Hernandez’ fiancee Shayanna Jenkins testified that she put a box containing a murder weapon into a plastic bag and then drove around and threw it in the dumpster because she’s a good woman. Her lawyers then scored some sympathy points by making it known she tried to ignore the fact that the babysitter was blowing Hernandez on the regular. Jenkins is one to make sacrifices in regards to romance and her ability to not commit perjury or be an accessory to murder:
“I made a decision that if I was going to move back in with Aaron I would have to compromise on his behavior and that included infidelity and everything that came along with that. And I decided it was worth fighting for.”
I wonder if it had anything to do with the money. I watch a lot of daytime TV but I still don’t feel sorry for you. You can ask me to put on that fireman outfit any night but my commitment ends when I’m discarding recently expended weapons. Women like bad boys. For some it’s the dude who gets drunk and beats up an unsuspecting bystander at a Stanley Cup riot. For others it’s serial murderers whose worst quality is that they struggle with mongamy. You get what you pay for. Lock her up.
Photo Credit: Youtube/WPRI
By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
The Freddie Mercury biopic starring Sasha Baron Cohen has been officially called off. Most everyone involved in the production characterized Cohen as an indolent diva much to the surprise of everybody who has never met anybody successful in the entertainment industry before. On Thursday, Queen’s manager Jim Beach appeared to resuscitate hope for the project:
“We have now managed to persuade Sacha Baron Cohen to write, produce and direct this movie, and he has also agreed to star.”
Major news outlets ran with this as fact because first hand information is slightly more worthwhile than the gibberish laden tweets they normally use as source. In truth, Beach was making fun of Cohen because his desire to control the project ultimately led to him being fired. Surviving Queen member Brian May took a pot shot at some of Cohen’s recent work which he is lobbying to get into the Smithsonian:
“In the end we felt his presence in the movie would be very distracting. What led us to that conclusion was the last three movies that he’s made. The Dictator, Les Miserables, and Hugo.”
You look like a super famous singer who died from The AIDS. Show up topless in suspenders, go through the motions and you’ll be taking home a certain Oscar. It’s always unfortunate when people let ego get in the way of what is sure to be a mediocre cynical money grab. The trailer could have been amazing.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Matt March 31, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Demi Lovato is a proponent of healthy body image for women. As opposed to those who aren’t. This means she’ll post tons of photos of herself when she’s feeling super in shape and pretend she just wants everybody to accept those who aren’t so tight. It’s like Mr. T telling you to eat your vegetables. Unless you’ve got steroid muscles, a mohawk and fifty pounds of gold chain, all you’re getting out of that is a regular bowel movement. Demi’s self acceptance is belied by a seemingly psychotic mission to work out:
“I want success more than I want sleep.. And that’s why nothing stops me from killing the gym on Saturday mornings..”
Don’t people go to the gym to get thinner? Sure there are a few chicks doing power squats but mostly they’re sweating it out to house music thinking about that moment of weakness when they had that second rice cake and let Jeremy Piven enter their sacred space. The ones logging long hours are typically deeply insecure and trying to make up for it. It’s one or the other Demi. Just ask the dog with the boner.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 1:14 PM
I can’t pronounce this chick’s name, but I know I’m ready to ace the ICE interview so I can earn her her green card. We’ve been dating since we met at the Learning Annex. She coos when I nibble on her Chernobyl toe. He favorite food is squash, baked, not boiled. Her mother is a trade union pipe fitter in the Ukraine. She let me fuck her if I agreed to get her daughter properly set up in the U.S.. Actually forget that last part, but just off the record know that I fucked a hot older Ukrainian plumber because I’ve never won anything in my life and I want somebody to know that. My marriage of convenience money is covering my MLB TV package. She’s got all her shots. Where do I sign?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 12:52 PM
Jaime King claims that witnessing Kim Kardashian bashed online for being huge and pregnant at the Met Ball two years ago made her cry for five hours. That seems like an awful long time. Especially when learning about The Holocaust in school only elicited a mild grimace.
It was so stunning to me that people thought that that was okay — not only okay but they condoned it.They would not even think about the way it would affect her mental health and the child’s health…. What kind of world are we living in now where this is okay, where our bodies are being essentially sold to the highest bidder regarding their comments and that we are just put up on a cross to be persecuted?
Alright, simmer down there, wildly fortunate blond model Jesus. Consider the remote possibility that people simply don’t like Kim Kardashian. Also, that having a baby out of wedlock with a manic rapper in front of television cameras for money might be worse for baby’s health than Twitter jokes about mom looking like grandma’s couch or just a plain old fat whore. I wrote that latter one at the time, so I’d like some ‘called it’ points.
Here’s Jaime King posting photos of herself pregnant without clothes on to help bring dignity to pregnant women everywhere. Also, twelve thousand new joins on her Instagram account.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 12:17 PM
Kit Harrington, who plays fictional hunk master Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, did an interview where he laments that women want to fuck him. It’s unclear if he doesn’t like girls or if this was a poor attempt to cast himself as a warrior for gender equality. Either way he deserves early onset gout:
“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning… it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually, women can be as well. I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that.”
Getting your choice of pussy off the menu sounds truly fucking horrible. Make your next rant about how NBA travel is tough on players. Dudes get into acting because it seems like an easy life and there’s a bevy of prodigious sex at the end of the rainbow. You don’t need to pretend it’s about art anymore. You’re in. Three years from now you’ll be missing this time in your life and wonder why you chose to join a pointless conversation about gender roles instead of getting your dick sucked in the hot tub by somebody famous’ daughter. Quit being a whiner and remember you’re playing for the rest of us.
Photo Credit: Getty Images