Nineteen year old Oregon State dropout Kendra Sunderland (here’s her Vine page) apparently still has access to the school library. Without a lot of studying to do she decided to go in there and film herself stripping and making lady gravy for 31 minutes. The video really caught on amongst students, especially those who had her in Bio Lab. In fact the video got more than 260,000 views on PornHub which is probably more viewers than all the Academy Award nominated films combined. By some weird quirk of the law, It’s illegal for chicks to masturbate in state school libraries. Sunderland was arrested for public indecency after police witnessed the tape, fifteen to seventeen times, alone, except for those two officers who always seemed kind of tight. This is what is called a victimless crime. I applaud this brave young woman for taking control of her own body and not falling victim to the constructs of a male dominated society. Her body, her choice. Especially when uploaded to PornHub. She’s probably not the brightest dildo in the drawer but I’m still head over heels.
Lindsay Lohan worked off her court ordered community service for super shitty unlicensed driving by allowing young people to follow her around as part of a Work Shadow program. Though she had no job at the time. So she took them to a meet and greet with her fans. Fans is a subjective term. More just people who recognize that thing from the news. Hanging out with Lindsay Lohan is obviously not an educational experience and most likely represents a threat to the integrity of the neighborhood. Why is your daughter gargling salt water every morning? The prosecutor in the case is now recommending jail time for Lohan since she went janky on her community service. We all know giving celebrities community service is some kind of justice joke, but we do expect them to at least make up something half-decent. Like when your high school kid comes home at 3am stinking of booze. He’s supposed to say he was studying at Mike’s and lost track of time. People can live with lies. It’s the shameful truth that eats away at you.
Former NFL player Brad Culpepper is being sued for insurance fraud. He received a workman’s comp claim of $175,000 two years ago because his back was too fucked up to do basic activities. Culpepper then appeared on Survivor while rowing boats and sleeping on rocks and generally doing things that aren’t good for your lumbar. This sounded a few alarm bells and somehow one of the four people who still watch Survivor relayed this news to his insurance company. Culpepper sticks by his story, and freaked out in a TV interview when he was accused of being full of shit. As proof of his back being fucked up, Culpepper showed his bicep muscle and clavicle bone fucked up from nine years of playing in the NFL. Again, not his back for which he was paid, but neat nasty party trick.
The sweet irony of all this is that after retiring from the NFL, Culpepper became a practicing personal injury attorney. Mind you this is in Florida, where the bar exams are often scribbled on Margaritaville napkins and defrauding insurance carriers is the third biggest job sector. Culpepper is the trifecta of football players, reality show contestant, and ambulance chaser. There should be an automatic restraining order against him from the remainder of the world. I’m sure the NFL fucks over their former players. But that’s no reason to play the AFLAC duck for a fool.
As somebody who almost took a journalism class once, I have to consider running with a story that Suge Knight just killed a dude in Compton. It certainly rings true, but is it really news? Suge Knight murders Hmong family of seven? Maybe. If he used his pinky fingers to finish off the babies. Angrily leaving the scene of an altercation and backing his car over a bystander? That won’t even make his dear diary entry for January 29.
Update: Suge Knight’s lawyer confirmed that his client did indeed run over an old dude with his car. I’m not exactly sure that’s how Suge Knight lawyering is supposed to go. Not even willing to try the race card or the picture of Suge in the Bahamas with two ladies time stamped to align with the car mauling? There must be fifty witnesses. Some small number of whom don’t mind the fact that Suge is going to murder them and everybody who owns a phonebook with their name in it when he gets out of prison next.
They don’t fuck around at Texas schools with sensitive solutions to serious problems. When the principal at an elementary school kept finding human kid shit on the floor of his gym, he rounded up all the tykes under his roof, split up the boys and girls to keep biblical, then had them drop their pants for shit stain inspection. Parent outrage ensued. You might think, yeah, fuck, you can’t ask my ten year old to show you his bare ass crack because some troubled kid keeps crapping in the gym. I’ve got two words for you. Patriot Act. The authorities, including school principals and anybody above junior greeter at Walmart, can demand your kids get naked whenever the hell they want. What are they hiding in their underpants? Isn’t that your real concern? Is it Mexican hash? Weapons? Or just fresh treadmarks from dropping a deuce in the multipurpose room. It’s called security. Start dressing your kids in clear plastic bags to make this go faster. That’s not a request.
I’m told denim was the hottest fabric at Paris Fashion Week. I don’t know exactly how many fabrics there are, but if you’re discounting Kazakhstani mohair and human flesh made by horror film bad guys, I think there are only four to choose from. Still, good on you, denim. This means you’re going to see tons of models marketing denim this year. But denim reminds many people of horse stink and low sperm counts. The solution is topless chicks in jeans. You don’t give a crap how they smell.
Goop goddess Gwyneth Paltrow is recommending her readers steam their vaginas. Apparently, Gwyneth shoots scented steam up her love tunnel like an 1800′s locomotive. Doctors and sane people don’t think you should do this. Lesbians remain cautiously neutral.
If you’ve ever thought to yourself I’d like to smell like a pale chick in a slip, I’ve got the fragrance for you. Rosie for Autograph. I have no idea what that means. Only that it will make you smell like lilac and isopropyl alcohol rather than Jason Statham jizz and Mayfairs. You can’t put a price on that. Though if you did, it’d be $70. It seems nonsensical but for the millions celebrities rake in on this crap. Then it just seems sad. I prefer to think about what really dumb people might spend $70 on if it wasn’t Rosie for Autograph perfume. It’s not healthy meals and vocational training manuals. Not so sad anymore.