By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 7:21 PM
Playboy offered Sean Penn’s hot daughter $150K to do a couple nudies in their magazine. Dylan Penn said no. It’s not because Hugh rose out of his hermetically sealed sarcophagus two years ago and handed a bloated Lindsay Lohan $1 million to be digitally cleaned up in his magazine, it’s because she was just, meh. which magazine is Playboy again? Dylan Penn’s publicists will try to convince you she’s on the verge of breaking big as a fashion model. She booked a Gap Outlet shoot and I think she wore the Del Taco taco in a 2-for coupon ad. She’s no fashion model. Not every good looking celebrity kid is cut out for the runway. Kendall Jenner might have the brains of a slowly boiled turnip, but she’s tall and skinny and closely resembles a walking mannequin. Dylan’s short and curvy with big tits. Which means every man in the world wants to bone you, provided roid-rage daddy isn’t lurking about, but you can’t do the heroin zombie bit on the catwalk. She’s topless glamor model material. She could be great too. She’d be perfect for Playboy, if this were thirty years ago.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 5:10 PM
Miley Cyrus is clearly battling an inferior foe in this pop star lesbo sex bitch down. Katy Perry is still playing a cheeky kid’s game while Miley Cyrus is shoving a whole rubber hand up her shiver and calling Katy a dirty mouthed bitch. Katy tried to turn it back into a game with her response:
Nope. A day late and a molded fist dildo too late, Miley is ripping a cork off a bottle of Old Grand-Dad with her teeth while you’re making lemonade spritzers. You don’t get it, Katy Perry. Miley isn’t fooling around. When she gets to England, you’re not going to give her a silly spanking for the cameras. Miley is going to have her furry midgets pin you down on the banks of the Thames while she unlawfully carnally gets to know you. When she’s done, you’ll be wet and dirty and shivering at the foot of Big Ben wondering if even Russell Brand would ever take you back. You opened the can of worms, Katy. Now Miley’s going to close it, with your twat.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Jack March 07, 2014 @ 4:48 PM
Aaron Carter is still in love with his teenage girlfriend Hilary Duff and is acting like a middle school girl on Twitter to prove it. The two of them dated when they were 13, back when Aaron could only dream about meeting his future broke and unemployed hero self in ten years time. They would braid each other’s hair and doodle love notes in his unicorn trapper keeper until he chose loose lipped Lindsay Lohan over Hilary. It appears that Aaron only now realizes the error of slipping his wee-wee into Lindsay instead of waiting on Hilary. He Tweeted a picture of the about to be divorced Duff and wrote,
“Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever.. Like me…I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her. I don’t care what ANY of you think.”
I’m sure it sucks that your glory days happened in middle school, but women do not like the smell of desperation. Play it cool, Snapper. Start tweeting about all the hotties be hitting on you during your swing shit at Jack in the Box. Subtly mention how it looks like the creditors might let you keep your Fiero. And then, you can never go wrong with using your God-given vocal talents to win her back. They’ve yet to invent a girl who can resist the doleful croon of Aaron’s Party (Come Get It). Stick to your game, player. This seems nearly certain to happen.
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 4:07 PM
The world’s lamest girlfight ever continues. No hair pulling or boobs being ripped out of wifebeaters or even high-pitched screeching, as Miley Cyrus told Katy Perry that she better not be talking about which bitch has the dirty mouth.
Oh, snap, or some such shit like that. I’m kind of impressed Miley knew how to make the Twitter tongue emoticon. It’s shows she’s advanced past simple tools and utterances. Her trainers might even start saying, damn, that tomboy belongs in a school, not in a leotard with her rectum so pronounced in the air.
To show how serious she is about people not pre-judging her sexual habits, Miley Tweeted a photo of her new sex toy, a ginormous dildo in the shape of four-fingered hand. They say you’re not a real woman until you go ulna first on your secret garden forays with the Hand of Adonis. I’m not about to start judging what women jam up their lady parts, If I had a vagina, I’d have to use a mirror to see the TV set up my twat during NFL Sundays. If it felt good, it’s getting up in there. Still, I wouldn’t kiss Miley.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Twitter
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 2:56 PM
Looks like Victoria Silvstedt finally got her commercial vending license to legally trade on the beach in Miami. Victoria finds rich men on the beach like a senior with a metal detector finds lost crappy time pieces. She has one petite billionaire now, but those pussy-purchasing older hobbits tend not to last too long before jealous kid legal wrangling causes them to cut off your Diner’s Club card. Victoria’s tits fire off a resounding claxon blare as she approaches men in her net worth target range. It’s a really neat trick, especially around the holidays.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 2:37 PM
It’s nice when mom gets some time away from the kids and her semi-employed house husband to go film a raunchy pulp comic sequel. Nine years in the making, Sin City 2 is finally coming out so that an entire new generation of questionably confident young men on the Internet can race to be first to say they love Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez is a genius. I don’t know how good this movie will be, but it’s got Jessica Alba in just her bra, I’m assuming there will be some digitally faked nudity as well. I love digitally faked nudity. It’s how I intend to spend the better part of my golden years.
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
‘I’m dumping my boyfriend to focus on work and school’, said no eighteen year old girl ever. But Ireland Baldwin is going with that line to explain her breakup with the gay detective novel series named Slater Trout, a professional paddle-surfer, whatever the fuck that means besides the fact that you’re living off his parents. It might make sense if Ireland was actually in school. I think she’s referring to acting school, which is to school as drinking twelve light beers is to cutting back on the calories. Ireland changed her hair color to lavender following the breakup, which I can tell you from my vast limited knowledge of the opposite sex means she currently hates men. If it’s not red or blond or brunette, her vagina is bitter. She’ll eventually get over whatever Slater Trout did to her. Then I can get back to my bucket list of having sex with her and her hot yoga stepmom while I punch Alec Baldwin in his cirrhosis.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Jack March 07, 2014 @ 1:40 PM
Self-described singer and noted gutter scamp Ke$ha left rehab yesterday and seems to be healed. She had been in fat camp rehab after admitting she had developed an eating disorder after some music producer called her a “fucking refrigerator”. She was fat shamed! Also high and drunk which makes fat shaming double shaming with a twist of cocaine. She changed her name on Twitter from Ke$ha with the stupid $ to Kesha Rose, which has vastly simplified the life of taggers who spend their evenings spraying ‘Kesha is a dirty whore’ on freeway signs. She seems to have turned over a whole new leaf, one not involving brushing her teeth with bottles of Jack and acting like the last picked whore at the ranch. That is until she inevitably relapses. She tweeted:
“Life is beautiful. I’m so blessed to have you all.”
Aw. So, does this mean that the disgusting gunt with splatter shots of her on the web, drank piss, and made art out of teeth is gone forever? Unlikely. Even if she doesn’t feel compelled to do that stuff because of her psychology pathology, it’s still what makes her money. Nobody’s going to pay to see Kesha sing torch songs with just a mic and spotlight at Harrah’s. Her fans will go back to finding other ways to piss off their parents the minute she stops chugging her pee. It’s the disgusting slut catch-22. And it’s too late for her to sell her organs.