By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM
Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.
Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 6:30 PM
We can’t easily fix the fact that there are a few million Islamic Fundamentalists who believe slaughtering innocent men, women, children, and probably beloved house pets brings them closer to their god. They’re in the business of subjugation and genocide, which is hard to root for in the world of the sane, though in the Middle East and parts of Paris and London, it plays fairly well. The Islamic Caliphate is never actually coming back. These blood-thirsty primitives are never going to actually get what they want. The United States could turn the entire historical Caliphate into a radioactive moonscape of ashen skulls within half an hour. Technology has changed since the Middle Ages. This leaves only the sociopathic human cleansing in the name of Allah. That could go on for centuries.
I believe it’s worth the shock value of seeing an ISIS jihadist with a decidedly British accent slice off the head of an innocent photo journalist. Barbarism isn’t something that fully translates to the completely oral tradition. The act of viewing forces your mind to wrestle with the horror. The unpleasant sensation informs your view of the world. You will almost certainly never experience what photojournalist James Foley and his loved ones did today, but you can watch the unfolding madness and make it some little permanent part of you.
If you choose, you can see the video HERE. I’m not putting it on this site because I don’t want the corporate overlords running kitty litter commercials against it. Yes, it’s gruesome. No, I don’t think it’s disrespectful to his family to become more informed by way of his death. That may be one of Mr. Foley’s precious leave behinds.
(And, yes, this is sitting above a bikini picture. Maybe that’s appropriate considering how badly these twisted mofos hate women baring skin, or just women in general.)
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:45 PM
If there’s one thing you need add to your bucket list, it’s getting an uncomfortable boner while checking out a promo girl behind a far away VIP rope line at a Las Vegas pool club. That’s really the best. Or the worst strip club proposition ever. Still, you get Vegas at 115-degrees. It’s a dry heat. You’re going home broke. You might as well tell people you caught a glimpse of what you think might be Nina Agdal’s ass in a bikini. Plus herpes, unrelated.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:12 PM
Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
According to the website MediaTakeOut, which was once almost right about something in 2012, a woman named Tina Seals carried Blue Ivy in her belly for nine months and is now suing for custody. According to HollywoodLife.com, which takes completely unfounded stories and then hires experts to give quotes to make them seem legitimate, the surrogate mom might actually have some custodial rights even though she contractually bound herself to a womb-for-hire arrangement. It has to do with complicated family law in the State of New York that has yet to catch up with the multiple ways in which rich and famous people are making babies magically appear these days.
During Beyonce’s pregnancy, many conjecturing assholes such as myself contended she was faking the entire swollen belly bit and that the future stripper named baby was really being carried by a surrogate. This is an extremely common practice among high profile women who make money off their figures. Beyonce skipped all those trendy naked pregnancy photos and when it came time for the birth, the couple rented out the entire floor of the hospital so the baby could be born in extreme privacy. It was all very suspicious. Leading to opportunistic crazies like Tina Seals to now come out of the woodworks. Since the baby presumably carries no DNA link to the surrogate mom, I’m not sure how you prove your carried Blue Ivy in your womb. Maybe it still smells of Shalimar and gold. None of this is true. But it’s fun to imagine annoying things happening to super annoying people.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 1:43 PM
I like this working mom. She seems to be trying super hard to do something of some sort. It doesn’t really matter what it is. America tends to reward achievers. I’ve always admired those who try their hardest. Like a coach who lies to his team after a big loss about how winning isn’t everything. Or the speeches our Presidents make after pulling our troops out of armpit countries we couldn’t make better in a thousand years. Doing your best. That’s the real scoreboard. Also showing your tits. Both those things really.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Jack August 19, 2014 @ 1:17 PM
Alexis Arquette, the tranny Arquette sister I guess, claims that he schlobbled Jared Leto’s man parts and that it was wonderful. According to Arquette, Leto’s dick was like something out of the movie Gladiator. I’m not sure what the fuck that means. Does it look like Russell Crowe overacting?
Read all about Jared’s throbbing Roman general. (Dlisted)
Keanu Reeves makes the transition to TV because his career is officially over. (Huffington Post)
Nadine Leopold in bra, panties, and garters. You’re welcome. (Popoholic)
Nina Dobrev does that ice bucket shit in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)
Chris Brown trades in kicking women for kicking a kickball. (Celebslam)
Jessica Lowndes getting all sweaty in exercise videos. (COED)
Katy Perry and her bikini body went to a water park. (The Superficial)