By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 12:40 PM
Network television is inherently uninteresting because it lacks tits and swearing and grotesque violence and the other things that form the basic hierarchy of interesting viewing. Contestant Ashley on the Bachelor touted her virgin status then took off her bikini top to prove that she can both lie and follow producer instructions. The goal of the show is to become marketable enough to sell a diet powder when the series ends or if you’re lucky, become the second wife of an NFL player until your untimely death. I’ve never understood the allure of staged reality shows. I like real. I like fake. I don’t see the value of fake real. If my girlfriend is reading this, you don’t need to pretend. I don’t care that much. Let’s not get caught up in who’s getting what and when. It’ll all even out when you find a better boyfriend.
Photo Credit: ABC
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 11:43 AM
Norway also has reality shows featuring attractive young adults. Except they don’t drive Bentleys and face emotional challenges coming out to Lance Bass. They shove them into sad, disheartening, morose situations so everybody can feel horribly Scandinavian. Deadly Fashion sent three young Norwegian fashion bloggers to spend a month living side by side with workers in a Cambodian clothing factory that makes trendy ensembles for Gap and other major Western retailers. You might be surprised to learn that life as a garment worker in Cambodia sucks fairly severely. Like, shut up poor people of America who have cars and cable TV and Oscar Meyer deli meats and smokes kind of sucks.
The workers get paid nickels and dimes to sew for endless hours a day and they have nowhere to shit properly and cant’ afford real food to eat, which helps alleviate shitting problem somewhat. Then they shuffle off to their lean-to’s ten per room to rest their weary bones. You don’t work, you don’t eat. Somebody’s grandmother died because she had no food and starved. There’s a side story in their somewhere about really shitty grandkids. The Norwegians cry a lot as they realize how horrible life is and promise never to wear clothes again. Then they go home and slowly but assuredly drink themselves to death. If TV is going to suck, it should suck like this.
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM
The island of misfit toys production of dumped spouses with very hidden talents had Nick Cannon DJing at a nightclub in Las Vegas with Amber Rose at his side. The two discussed the tribulations of being ass puppets for more successful partners and how far buffed body parts might get you in life on your own. Then they snorted a few rails and cried about their children whose names didn’t come easily. The music never stopped pumping and the base never stopped jumping. That was according to notecards turned in by nightclub guests at the end of evening. Nick Cannon’s DJ Yelp rating is climbing steadily. He should be booking more gigs. Amber Rose will be fine so long as men continue to want to get laid.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
Remember that time Kris Jenner announced she would shove a finger up Muhammad’s ass during sex because he was into that kinky shit? C’mon, ISIS, she’s right there in Paris. The aging succubus with see-through pants. Ready, aim, Allahu Akbar. We can look the other way. No unity rallies. The Times will order its staff to use the term ‘errant youth’ and establish a multicultural understanding fund. Fire.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews/Splash
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 9:02 AM
Anybody who speaks in public often enough is going to say some stupid shit at some point then that soundbite is going to be a headline in articles and debated endlessly by people with way too much time on their hands. Having said that, you probably don’t want to drop the term ‘colored’ for black people on national television. And if you’re going to, don’t be a descendant of a well-known slave owning plantation family speaking on the Tavis Smiley show.
Benedict Cumberbatch found himself appalled at his own appalling slip of the tongue when he said how horrible the career field is for colored actors in the U.K.:
“I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology. I offer my sincere apologies. I make no excuse for my being an idiot and know the damage is done.”
That’s your standard devastated progressive actor statement. First, express mortification. In fact, if you can get away with it, use the word mortified. People eat that shit up. Second, profuse apology. Like you just ran over an old lady’s cat, or her favorite grandchild. Third, way over blow the damage you’ve caused. Maybe somebody cut him off before he hit the Alec Baldwin fourth with a note about having many colored friends. Cumberbatch is an outspoken gay rights supporter so he’s pretty much got carte blanche to say whatever the hell he wants. The press would go neutral if he announced the world was better off when slaves knew their place. Like we’re not all thinking it.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:55 AM
According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.
Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade. The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 8:48 AM
Jasmine Tridevil, the stripper who tried to fool people into thinking she has three tits, was busted for DUI in Tampa where the legal limit is dead. Tridevil doesn’t really have three tits, just a fairly convincing prosthetic and some serious demons. It’s tough to find new gimmicks in the adult entertainment game. Virus Free is an idea that has been floated but not yet fully realized. Too new. Tridevil has been unable to post her five hundred dollar bail and is still in the slammer awaiting release. She’ll likely sue for emotional trauma sustained from being stripped of her extra boob and watching the booking officer try to French fuck it. Anything can happen in Florida. It’s a place for dreamers with shovels in their trunks.
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:23 AM
I’m not sure how much money they pay Kendall Jenner to look like a high end 19th century Romanian prostitute, but it’s not enough. If every upscale lady isn’t flashing her nipples over fancy salads this Fall, I’d be pretty shocked. Just look at that sullen fixed gaze. The way she’s able to empty her mind of thoughts is something straight out of science fiction. That’s stone cold modeling. Shove some twenties in her garter and hand her over to mom for her pills and modest juice. This is what winning looks like.
Photo Credit: Chanel