By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:58 AM
Trannies are born with the instinct for a powerful entrance. Leaving the spotlight quietly, not so much. Lady Gaga channeled the Birth of Venus mixed with Fire Island glory hole trap when she arrived in Athens to help the Greeks forget about their bankruptcy and government employee riots for a while. The European continent is a time warp for flailing American and British music acts who can translate their downswings into three decade long tribute tours in nations where Members Only jackets are just coming into vogue. Lady Gaga may never leave the stage, but at least the lights are starting to dim.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:32 AM
Howie Mandel is a freak, but he’s as inexorably bound by the compulsions of the cock and balls as the next guy. He’s going to peek at German model tits near his face. I once had a woman in an exceedingly low cut top call me out for staring at her yabbos in the produce department at a Whole Foods. I said, I’m sorry I thought I was supposed to. I tried masturbating thinking about her later that day but it just didn’t work. Why she had to go and ruin such a beautiful moment I do not know. Hey, look, my tits, no don’t look, perv. Too confusing. Put a sweater on a let me buy my six dollar avocados in peace, woman.
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet
By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Nick Cannon is rocking a pair of $2million dollar diamond studded shoes on America’s Got Talent, because aside from talent, America’s also got serious issues with consumerism. This stunt gives your average low physical activity viewer a chance to marvel at how truly happy Cannon must be with his leased props as they ignore their former loved ones and stuff refrigerated Taco Bell Crunchwraps into their gobs. The shoes are actually some of Cannon’s best material. Some entertainers garner attention by breaking down societal barriers or pushing the boundaries of censorship. Cannon’s attempt at edginess will feature him still being utterly boring but wearing some shoes featuring blood diamonds and an extremely obnoxious gay guy glued to some other shoes. It’s a fitting tribute to America, as viewers soak up the shiny shoes and Pizza Hut ads while being hypnotized into listening to Cannon’s contrite teleprompter reciting. Putting an evening gown on a Port Authority crack whore does not make her a respectable date, and these shoes to not obscure the fact that Nick Cannon is so mindblowingly uninteresting that million dollar shoes or suicide are the only two reasons he might be talked about.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 8:44 AM
Repeated non-winner Lolo Jones driveled some fairly transparent attention seeking after losing on Dancing With The Stars. Jones is known for being kind of hot and losing a ton of shit that she was never expected to win. She receives extensive media coverage because she is not covered with hairy moles like her competitors. Her elimination on Dancing with the Stars was most likely due to the fact that people overwhelmingly hate her whether they are bobsled teammates or Americans making poor choices in entertainment. The site of her contrived demon battling face instinctively makes you want to locate the neighborhood children and confirm their safety. Jones’ dramatized Facebook soliloquy does little to betray the fact its based on a cheese dick reality show about ballroom dancing:
“When I was dancing last night and messed up I had flashbacks of the three Olympics and that people constantly tease me about. I thought oh no here it comes again. People are going to ridicule me. I’m so tired of feeling embarrassed. I joined the other competitors upstairs and I couldn’t force a smile on my face. I felt like vomiting and in between the other dances I went in a back room and fought back tears. I felt so broken. So unlovable. Embarrassed”
Jones is running out of things to lose at. I see the next step in her cultural pollution tour as becoming an Evangelical preacher. Its a perfect gig for the psychotically sappy. In fact she showed some solid chops on her Facebook rant:
“That is my way of thinking. Not Gods. Instead I need to trust God that he would heal my heart. That I would not work so hard for the world to validate and redeem me but know that God already conquered that for me on the cross.”
I wouldn’t over think it. Just say thanks for the ass and protein shake and move on. It should be interesting to see who Jones will continue to disappoint in the future as she has alienated all personal contacts and family members up to this point. They probably need a few Pastors in rural Tibet.
By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 8:26 AM
Ariana Grande is being scolded by the celebrity media as being too demanding. One of these spurned Jack in the Boxes is leaking info about Grande’s habit of making sure she is only interviewed and photographed from the left side of her human body:
“The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from X side… With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning, three people come to make sure before Ariana enters the room. Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”
Here’s some shit revelation. All celebrities have publicists who make all sorts of obnoxious demands of the press because that’s how they earn their tram tickets to Hell. The entertainment media still kiss ass until their lips are bare of flesh in order to get celebrity access. It’s a whores game. Everybody walks away with an uncomfortable itch. What’s your point? It’d be much better if Ariana herself punched you in the kidney for shooting her from the wrong angle? The very reason to be rich is to have little minions do your annoying chores for you.
I’ve seen Ariana Grande from both sides and I don’t blame her for being fanatical about this shooting angle thing. From the left side, she looks like a tasty piece of ass any record industry exec would fuck in exchange for stardom. From the right, like the after picture in a Dangers of Venereal Disease film strip from the 50′s. Her looks are her music. She’s just protecting her future.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 6:03 AM
Florida State quarterback and aspiring future ex-con Jameis Winston has been suspended for the first half of his next game because he stood on a table in the student union and screamed “Fuck her right in the pussy” multiple times. It must have been pretty noticeable because half of Florida State’s bottom quadrant campus population took the time to sign up for Twitter and advertise their animal sighting. Normally this would be considered typical juvenile behavior, but coming from a guy with a fairly credible rape allegation hanging over his head, it’s a poor choice of blurts .
This pop culture phrase of the week hasn’t been funny since the leaves turned, but when you spend most of your days stuffing shellfish into your coat pockets you tend to miss out on a few things. The suspension seems like an overreaction to a no harm, no foul situation, but maybe its a good idea to put Winston in his place. You get the feeling he’s just testing the waters with a room full of teens while representing the proud Seminole tradition of driving a new SUV and having your mother move to a prefabricated track home in suburban Orlando the day you sign your commitment letter. Winston is clearly warming up for an Aaron Hernandez inspired crescendo of lunacy, but sitting out two quarters of a game only to come back in the second half and lead his team to victory will surely tame his ego.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 2:37 PM
Daniele Watts is the actress everyone is calling, ‘The Django’ actress because she played a call girl in the Tarantino movie and nobody recognizes her other minor credits. Watts got busted by cops last week for banging her boyfriend in a car in Studio City in the middle of the afternoon. When cops responded to the lewd behavior call, Daniele refused to show ID, screamed that the cops were harassing her for being black with a white boyfriend, and then told the entire neighborhood she was a practitioner of the dramatic artists and had a publicist. She then called her ‘daddy’ on the phone to complain about her civil rights to fuck around in public were being violated. Your standard drunk Reese Witherspoon type arrest.
According to eyewitnesses, Daniele was full on humping her raw foods salad composer boyfriend in the front seat with her top up smashing her tits into his face. Somebody from a nearby office building went over to tell them to get a room but they wouldn’t stop fucking, so the cops were called. According to Danielle and the dude who loves her because she likes to fuck in the afternoon, they were just passionately making out, you know, like couples around 30 do in their car in the middle of the day outside office buildings. TMZ naturally obtained a photo of the shenanigans which doesn’t prove a thing other than somebody is taking a cell phone picture of everything at any given time.
What have we learned from this entire incident? Actresses are crazy. Crazy chicks like to fuck in dangerous places. If you’re a dad and your daughter is a struggling actress, change your phone number. You don’t need a phone call like that.
Photo credit: TMZ
By Jack September 17, 2014 @ 2:07 PM
Overexposed harpie Beyonce had her thighs Photoshopped in a bikini. Maybe it’s because she’s knocked the fuck up or maybe it’s just that she wants to pretend she still has thigh gap. Either way, she should fire her photo guy.
Check out Bey’s web of thigh lies. (TMZ)
Leonardo DiCaprio’s cock was named the UN peace ambassador (Gawker)
American Apparel comes out with see-through underwear. (Drunken Stepfather)
Amanda Cerny in a bathing suit is a very very good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miley Cyrus covers Led Zeppelin and the result sucks as much as you imagine. (Huffington Post)
Jenny McCarthy lost her wedding ring banging the lesser Wahlberg. (Dlisted)
(Photo Via Tumblr)