Kate Upton Feeling Fatty

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 8:12 AM

Upton

“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

In case you don’t speak  nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:

“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”

Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Ali Wentworth Talks Dusty Vag

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 7:47 AM

Wentworth

Ali Wentworth thinks society needs more dialogue regarding post menopausal sex. Especially over dinner. Being an aging female comedienne is tough. You’ve done all the vibrator jokes you have in you, and few taboo topics are left since Sarah Silverman started opening her act with in depth vivisection of her asshole. Wentworth has found a topic that is off the board for a vide variety of reasons:

“It’s fine to have girls in roller skates talking about tampons, but god forbid we have a dry vagina — mine’s not dry, just for the cute camera men out there.”

If you are going for a flirty vibe you may not want to use the words ‘dry’ and ‘vagina’ in the same sentence, or same year. Wentworth is either parlaying her middle aged woman observations into an HBO special celebrating pant suits and pool aerobics, or positioning herself to be the Hollywood feminist who introduces Hillary Clinton at the 2016 Democratic convention. There really are certain things you should only discuss with your doctor, in fact you may want to run your new bits by your OB/GYN first. Sometimes another perspective works wonders.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Anna Akana Is Profoundly Asian (VIDEO)

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 7:21 AM

Aspiring actress and moderately annoying youtube personality, Anna Akana, made a video insulting dudes who only go for Asian chicks. Akana insists that white guys who exclusively date Asian women are submissive school girl fetish seeking perverts with Yellow Fever. According to Akana, she experiences the phenomenon constantly, annoyed when ‘racist assholes’ hit on her solely because she is young, hot, and especially Asian. She makes a big public deal about being racially offended then blows the guy with the most producing credits. Asian chicks are pragmatic like that.

DeNiro likes the dark meat and Leo Dicaprio will only bang models from countries where the basketball lane is a hexagram, so why criticize the coffee house hipsters and Aspy white programmers of the world for flocking towards Asians chicks? The flaw in Akana’s viewpoint is she groups all Asian women together. The same guy with a boner for community college Chinese chicks with dip-dyed hair isn’t the same guy cruising the bio-tech labs for Pinays with coke-bottle glasses. I like short girls. I wouldn’t say I have midget fever, though I’d be willing to contract it if I could bone lots of teeny tiny women with squeaky voices like Care Bears.  I guess Anna wishes she were a young Latina or black chick with perfect tits so she could walk through construction sites completely unmolested. Life is super rough for all good looking women. We know. Now do some cartwheels so we can see your white cotton panties.

EJ Johnson Gets A Gig

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:43 AM

EJ2

Magic Johnson’s obnoxiously affected son EJ is joining the cast of Rich Kids of Beverly Hills Season 2. The lifeless caricature of affluence will be consistently blurting out nonsensical cliches about fashion and yachts alongside some other annoying cunts. Its almost as if his parents compensated for a chaotic home life by showering him with useless shit from an early age. The human nature vs. nurture exhibit will be paid scale for doing his impression of offensive early 80′s gay movie characters, dropping gems like:

“Whether it is Friday, Saturday, Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, honey, yachting is always cute.”

Johnson apparently does have ambition beyond flaunting his overpriced garbage in the manner dumb little kids will bring out their toys to show you. He aspires to be a fashion designer, which will work out well for his father when he needs to dump some long term cap gains to finance his kid’s cocaine year in Paris. I plan to watch the show so I will be familiar enough with the cast to be called in by the County Coroner to make a positive ID when their overdose time comes. Also, that moment when all the other gay people call Johnson a fucking annoying queer I want on my DVR.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Morrissey Will Only Hurt Humans

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:14 AM

Morrissey

Morrissey’s ex bodyguard Bradley Steyn is suing the British singer because he claims Morrissey pushed him to kick some guy’s ass. That guy was running a fan site about Morrissey which provided some personal details of Morrissey’s life, like how he cuddles with sprouted tofu and has no penis. Steyn claims Morrissey asked if there was a way the guy ‘could get hurt.’ That is usually a euphemism for physical violence but since Morrissey has the emotional strength of a nine year old Swedish child he may have just wanted Steyn to ‘hurt’ his feelings by telling him he had buck teeth.

Steyn claims Morrissey’s tour manager asked if he could kill the guy right in front of Morrissey, who had previously tried summoning the animals of the ancient forest to no avail. Steyn said he was not a killer and being Morrissey’s bodyguard was work enough, since even the slightest bit of physical contact would leave Morrissey with a bruise the size of a free trade rutabaga. The lawsuit sounds pretty bogus. Vegans don’t actually order hits on bloggers even when the anemic shakes leave them semi-coherent. Morrissey is more likely to write an eleven minute ballad about sobbing deer than he is use the word murder in a sentence. ‘d say Steyn gets $25K to go away and we get a fun story about an annoying dick. Everybody wins.

 

enough, although it would not be surprising to learn Morrissey is overly vindictive and prone to dramatic flights of fantasy because he is a bitch on his period.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Alessandra Ambrosio Understands the Internet

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 2:25 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Posts A Bikini Photo To Instagram
I get offer letters every day from people selling consulting services on how to better understand the Internet. Obviously, you need paid counseling to comprehend the complex equation that tits and sports and gambling account for 98% of all male Internet online activity. So entirely different than offline, plus or minus half a percent. Alessandra Ambrosio understands the Internet. You don’t make the move from Brazil to Brentwood without knowing how to manipulate innate human desire. I don’t even know which ass is hers. And I don’t care. That’s the genius. The intersection of arousal and not giving a shit is where men erect their Honeycomb Hideouts.

Photo Credit: Alessandra Ambrosio/Instagram

Sylvie Van der Vaart Bikinis Again

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 2:04 PM

Sylvie Van der Vaart Goes For A Swim In A Bikini In St Tropez
I’m still trying to process the fact that men leave women like this because they want to make more babies. It’s a foreign thing. Here in the U.S. men leave women like this for the more appropriate reasons of wanting to get laid elsewhere without hassle by other equally hot women. Or because they have disturbing fetishes that hot girls don’t need to play along with because they have options. Or just because they’re bitches be nagging. I’ve never heard of a guy ditching because he wants to make more babies. The U.S. has drug problems, corrupt politicians, squandered natural resources, and fat women addicted to soap operas. The only thing that keeps us from being Mexico is that our men don’t like to breed obsessively. That’s a gross generalization. Really the best kind.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lea Michele Lends Her Talents to Sons of Anarchy

By Lex July 30, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Lea Michele Smokes A Cigarette In A Frumpy Waitress Outfit Filming 'Sons Of Anarchy' With Katey Sagal In Acton
If you need something dead, Lea Michele is your go-to girl. The Glee star took a break from mounting her male hooker on top of Dead Cory Monteith’s memory to film a scene for the final season of Sons of Anarchy. Lea will play Gertie, a truck stop waitress and struggling single mom. To prep for the role, Lea forced one of her assistants to tell her horrible stories of growing up between the coasts where they had no access to first-run theater. Expect a lot of emoting and long draws on the cigarettes as Lea tries to get to that Emmy stage for yet another tear-filled speech about hope and embracing the future and destroying bitches on the set who get in your way.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet