Kendall Jenner Denies Being a Cold Texter

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 12:25 PM

Kendall Jenner In A see Through Top With Kylie Jenner Promoting Their DuJour Magazine Shoot In New York
In a growing scandal nobody really gives a fuck about, they just need an excuse to show half naked teen girls (myself included), Kendall Jenner denies that she and her working girl sisters were texting during the VMA minute of silence for kids throwing Molotov cocktails at cops in Ferguson:

I just specifically remember not texting and bowing my head down for the moment of silence and that’s all I have to say about that.

Whoa, thanks Obama for giving us a quote in between your national security briefings. I actually believe that these moronic vag-bots text and Tweet so much of their every waking hour that they probably do remember the few brief moments when they’re not typing LOLZ what a bicchh! into their phones. Also a Kardashian is going to remember the one time in her life when she bows her head and a cock doesn’t slide into their mouth. I find these lovely young ladies innocent of disrespect! Now, onto the For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge counts.

Photo Credit: Getty,, Pacific Coast News

Eiza Gonzalez Is No Miley Cyrus

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 11:23 AM

Eiza Gonzalez Looking Chesty In West Hollywood
This is the Mexican singer who stole Miley Cyrus’ fiance last year by pointing out that she was far hotter, had bigger tits, and didn’t wipe her poo hands on her lips after taking a shit just to seem punk. She also has a Spanish accent. A Spanish accent can raise a boner like Jesus did to Lazarus. Miley has a pointy tongue and an unemployed male model she totes around to exhibit the plight of the good looking and homeless. A Mexican girl knows exactly what do with an unemployed male model. Fuck him and give him a fake phone number.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Liv Tyler’s Ass Is Back

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 10:47 AM

Liv Tyler Shows Off Her Booty In A Bikini On A Yacht In Spain
It’s been a whole two days since I’ve had Liv Tyler’s wet derriere boarding a sea-faring vessel like a pear shaped pirate. That’s forty-eight hours too long. Unlike the celebrities with their asses injected full of pigeon fat and finely ground gravel, Liv Tyler got her wide ass the old-fashioned way. Eating and making babies. Stop hating mothers and respect that ass.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Zara’s Holocaust Shirts for Kids Not Selling Well

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 10:33 AM

I don’t know, maybe if you’re an online retailer selling in Israel you don’t go with the kids’ shirt design that causes your customer base to remember the stripes and yellow stars of the Jewish death camp in World War II. Maybe for an edgy John Waters Halloween party in SoHo, but not so much for the kids to wear to the kibbutz and blow their toy shofars at the Palestinian kids over the wall chiseling tunnels. The retailer, Zara, also was selling the striped shirts with the yellow stars in France, Albania, and Sweden, where they have more fond memories of baking strudel for the German soldiers and probably are not sensitive to the genocidal hobbies of their friendly occupiers.


An honest mistake, even though I bet you could go through the entire archive of Classic Westerns and not find one sheriff wearing a striped shirt. I’ve seen a few. John Wayne didn’t do jaunty French sailor stripes. Next up for Zara, ‘I’m a Radioactive Kid!’ silk screened t-shirts for kids in Fukushima and ebola-themed footsies pajamas for sale in West Africa. Also inspired by Classic Westerns.

Britney Spears Had a Shitty Day (VIDEO)

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Britney Spears’ boyfriend David Lucado was caught on tape dancing and making out with a woman who was somebody else’s chubby girlfriend. The Britney Spears conservancy, also known as Britney’s dad’s rent money, is spinning the story that they reached out to the ‘agency’ holding the tape and bought it from them for safe keeping. This arrangement used to be called extortion, now it’s all done with lawyers and contracts and paid leaks to TMZ. Before daddy secreted the video in a remote cavern in Costa Rica, he made Britney watch it while he stood in the background with a sinister smile and twirled his mustache. One less claimant on his daughter’s money to worry about. Britney immediately contacted Lucado and told them their year long relationship was over. Poor fuck, he was probably set up.

As always, Britney turned to her three million fans on Instagram to let them know she was having a bad day. The onslaught of heart shaped emoticons and inspirational Pablum lifted Britney’s spirit. Britney’s been thrown off this horse before. She’ll rebound after a month of Nilla wafers and trying to remember where she left her kids.

Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:02 AM

Lara Bingle In A Silver Bikini At The Beach In Kauai
This Australian model is dating the dude who defended the blue people in Avatar. Once you’ve saved the tree huggers from big oil, you can have your pick of models around the world. I rescued the Na’vi, while in a fucking wheelchair, how about you come back to my room and gobble my knob? Everybody has to do their part to keep the tree of souls glowing.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Coco Austin In A Thong Bikini

By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 8:44 AM

Coco Austin In An Orange Thong Bikini At The Beach In Barbados
I blame hip hop culture. For everything. Before rap, gasoline was ten cents a gallon, the merriment of children filled the streets, and big fat asses were simply known as big fat asses. Grotesquely enlarged butts just peaked in Barbados where Coco’s ass cheeks lifted her out of the water like pontoons harpooned into the side of a great white to keep it from diving. I would never tell another man what ought give you your jollies, but I do get to decide who comes to my Super Bowl party. If the thought of spelunking for that thong puts you in the reproductive mood, you’re not touching my chips and dip.

Photo Credit: Splash

Michael Vick Is Jilted

By Matt August 29, 2014 @ 8:11 AM


Michael Vick is pissed that teammate Riley Cooper did not text him back after Vick texted to congratulate him on his new contract. Vick is a rare breed who holds the emotional vulnerability of a schoolgirl with the ability to kill furry dogs without blinking. Vick is claiming almost sole responsibility for Cooper’s success last year because he stuck up for him after Cooper was videotaped dropping some fairly heinous N-Bombs at a Kenny Chesney concert:

“I stood in front of the team, I stood in front of the cameras and defused that whole situation. We had guys talking about knocking him out, taking his head off, doing X, Y and Z to him on the field, and none of that happened, out of respect for myself, I think…Unfortunately, it was going to derail Riley’s career. It would have ended his career.”

No doubt Cooper’s black teammates were deeply offended by his shit poor judgement and whatever bad thoughts his pappy put inside of his head. But whether Vick’s teammates respect his word as gospel or simply find it easier to nod in agreement when a canine murdering psychopath is talking we will never know. I normally would say Cooper could ignore all the Michael Vick texts he wanted, but given just how many N-bombs he dropped, he should probably consider treating any and all black people who text him like crazy girlfriends and send back smiley faces and LUVS!!! within three to five minutes.

Photo Credit: Getty Images