Jennifer Hudson Got Your Gay Rights Right Here

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 9:29 AM

Jennifer Hudson Wears Exposed Bra To LGTB Benefit In NYC
Hollywood chicks love to show their tits off at gay events. It’s something akin to the palms up symbol when Maasai warriors cross paths in the savannah. I mean you no harm. I carry no weapons. Save for these gigantic tits I had to have enhanced because I lost too much weight eating nothing but Tanqueray soaked boba balls for nineteen months. It’s all about representing peace. And scaring the shit out of the gay men who fear your tits might touch their face. That’s probably homophobic, but only like barely so.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Abby Cubey In a Black Bikini

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 8:54 AM

Abby Cubey Wears A Black Bikini On The Beach In Malibu
Fuck the 138 Water blood sucking sinister interplanetary invading bitches. This is too much. A Filipina girl with big tits. That’s got to be the Secret Weapon X they’ve been holding out on. This isn’t even supposed to exist. It doesn’t exist. Not on this planet. All I ask is that this big breasted anomaly be the one to consume my flesh. I want to see the face of God as I free my earthly bonds.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Karlie Kloss Seems Healthy

By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 8:29 AM

Karlie Kloss Wears Bra And Leggings While Doing A Smart Water Workout In NYC
This is Karlie Kloss. She’s a model and Taylor Swift’s non-lesbian best girlfriend. She probably just says model when people ask because it’s shorter and you don’t have to go into details on the girls rule boys drool sleepovers at Taylor’s $20 million condo. Lena Dunham often joins the duet so Taylor doesn’t have to feel relatively unattractive. I give Lena credit for being the only one of the three gal pals to be sexually active, even if that just means she manually penetrates herself until fudge comes out. Who wants sundaes? Best sleepover ever.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Matthew McConaughey Goes Against The Grain

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 8:03 AM

MC

Matt McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name in a GQ interview. He feels he’s an authority on this issue since he identifies with being vaguely spiritual and doesn’t know any surly res dudes who would kick his ass when he wears his Redskins gear. His poor rationale for his own drawling flighty rambling makes you wonder why you should give a fuck about anything he says that isn’t written on paper for him:

“What interests me is how quickly it got pushed into the social consciousness. We were all fine with it since the 1930s, and all of a sudden we go, ‘No, gotta change it’? It seems like when the first levee breaks, everybody gets on board.”

I’m sure McConaughey longs for the days of segregated Woolworths counters and watching white ball players dominate pro sports, but these things tend to work exactly like he described. Somebody says, okay, it’s 2014, time to stop using old Injun slang in our pro sports teams names. And then most everyone else goes, yeah, huh, we should probably do that. It’s not like we’re modifying the Washington Monument into a giant penis and rededicating it to honor gay marriage. That’s not coming for a few years yet. We can live through the loss of white people waving imaginary tomahawks and screaming ancient war chants written in the 60′s.

Look for McConaughey to issue an apology soon, claim he is a quarter Native, and explain to everyone that he’s a stoned idiot mimbo and reading one of his interviews is akin to paying attention to the man’s face when you watch porn.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Renee Zellweger Doubles Down

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 7:40 AM

RZ

Renee Zellweger missed the mark in explaining why her face is unrecognizable from her face of a few years ago. It appears she became enlightened and fulfilled, and in that moment her face morphed into that of her spirit animal:

“I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows. My friends say that I look peaceful… I am healthy. For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself.”

When people have moments of clarity they sometimes invoke acts of charity, maybe kicking the booze, or washing their hands of their deadbeat boyfriend. Doing whatever this woman does to her face seems to be the opposite. A manic scramble for self acceptance that hooked a wide right. My yoga instructor always says true enlightenment cannot occur until you remove your tear ducts and inject putty in your head. I have strayed from the light.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Blake Griffin Accused Of Bitch Smacking

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 7:14 AM

Blake

Blake Griffin is accused of slapping and choking some dude named Daniel at a Vegas club by some dude named Daniel from the club. The guy claims he was taking a panoramic interior of the club which just happened to be within an arm’s length of Griffin and some teammates, so Griffin grabbed the dude’s phone. He wouldn’t let the phone go so Griffin choked him. Then the club’s security came and Griffin apparently kicked them out of their own establishment like a boss. You don’t want to fuck with Blake Griffin and his wildebeest mates armed with pepper spray or Kremlin riot gear. Those motherfuckers are animals. Then Griffin apparently slapped the guy. Professional athletes don’t like having their photos taken. They want to relax and avoid their whore mingling being posted on the Internet for their first wives and assorted baby mamas to see. No word on when Daniel will include the part of the story where he was was shit faced, pestered the athletes all night with his cell camera, before spilling a vodka cran on Griffin’s shoes and asking him what the fuck he was going to do about it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Old Guy Busts Ass (VIDEO)

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 6:28 AM

Some anonymous old guy beat the shit out of some dude in a sparring match. This isn’t a good situation if you’re an up and coming pretty boy on your first cycle of creatine trying to impress the bros at the gym. Either plaster some geezer’s face or get your ass handed to you and slink off in disgrace. This old guy is trying to take someone’s head off, in a fucking sparring match. If anyone not on a pension did this they’d be jumped by the entire gang and told never to return. Then some guy would throw a Molotov Cocktail through your window a few days later for good measure.

Old guys know they can get away with anything. If you feel like kicking some unsuspecting good sport’s ass for the cheap thrill, go for it. Whatever gets you through the day. Those sweet memories of mixing it up on the boulevard and pulling off Maggie O’Mally’s knickers to reveal that sweet bajingo will come rushing back. Stop at the Drive In and peel out without paying for your shake. You do you old man.

Sanford Rubenstein Put In Check

By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Rube

When you’re in the throes of a rape charge its best to lay low. Maybe take the multicultural cartoon kids from We Pals picnicking. Otherwise, keep out out of sight and act contrite. Wannabe Hefner and classic over compensator Sanford Rubenstein decided to hit up a New York City sex club where he was denied entry because only younger more attractive rapists were allowed. Rubenstein is a former Al Sharpton associate who has maintained a befuddling well documented rape habit, a plateau which only highly sought after personal injury attorneys can attain. The trick is to sexually assault someone, ask if they’ve been injured, give them your card, and never answer. Hopefully this conviction sticks. I don’t know how ambulance chasers are treated in prison, but feeble rapists tend to get what’s coming to them. Namely personal injury.

Photo Credit: Getty Images