Meet Gwyneth Paltrow for Just $2K

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 6:03 PM

EPIC Trip for Two with Private goop Event and Gwyneth Paltrow Meet n’ Greet – New York City

You and a friend are invited to the private goop event, which begins at 6 p.m. on Friday, June 14. You can munch on appetizers and sip cocktails before goop editor-in-chief Gwyneth Paltrow gives a cooking demonstration. You’ll leave with a signed cookbook.

Meeting Gwyneth Paltrow has to be most everybody’s dream. Seeing her giving a live cooking demonstration, wow, just wow. And you can do so, or could’ve done so until just moments ago, on Groupon. But is it worth two thousand clams? Yeah, not exactly. For $2K, you also get roundtrip airfare for two to N.Y, two nights hotel, restaurants, spa treatments and blah blah blah other shit. About $2K worth of other shit. So, technically, the meet and greet with Gwyneth is a throw-in. A gift with purchase. It’s the urine contaminated free mint as you leave The Sizzler. I’d expect Gwyneth to take this news well. She might even give a ten second warning before she douses the room with ligher fluid and sends everybody to Hell in a burning symbol of her quiet rage.

Kiara Mia In A Bikini

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 5:05 PM

Kiara Mia At The Beach In Miami
I’m a curious guy who loves his marine biology. If I see a giant tattooed fish with enormous tits taking pictures of itself at the ocean’s edge, I’ve got to know more about it. Turns out to be Latina porn star Kiara Mia. she makes films centered around themes important to the Hispanic community. Also films where lots of dudes spunk on her cans. That’s called range.

Here’s Kiara Mia trying to get in her front door without using her hands. If you know this as the opening scene to Oiled Babes #8, then you watch way too much porn, my friend.






Photo Credit: WENN

Because I’m Pregnant, Bitches

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 4:17 PM

Yeah, I guess Beyonce lied about not being pregnant. Or her carefully secreted surrogate being pregnant. Which doesn’t surprise me because Beyonce hates publicity. At least when it’s not about her. When that fetus pushes through her chunnel and Beyonce sees the camera lenses training off her vagina and onto little Baby Stupid Name, she’s going to shit a tooth.

Carey Mulligan Looks Not Tainted

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 3:55 PM

Carey Mulligan At The Premiere Of The Great Gatsby At The Cannes Film Festival
You ever look at a woman and not quite believe she had sex with Shia LaBeouf. I do this all the time. It’s like a hobby. Whoa, there’s no way she let Shia LaBeouf bang her shnozz. But she did. Fuck, why? It’s like that terrifying moment in a horror movie when you realize the killer really is calling you from inside the house. I shriek like a girl child. It all seems so horrible.

Here’s Carey Mulligan at the Great Gatsby premiere in Cannes. She looks fucking fantastic. Still, Shia, fuck, really?

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, WENN

Lindsay Lohan Getting Fatter Without Her Addy

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 2:12 PM


Just one week into life without Adderall and Lindsay Lohan has already packed on five pounds. Between the absence of amphetamines and everything suddenly not tasting like Smirnoff and grizzled human seed, Lindsay seems to be relishing the cuisine at her Palm Springs inpatient rehab facility. This is Lindsay’s worst fatty fear come true and to be clear from her publicity statements, has absolutely nothing to do with her addiction to speed. She just doesn’t want to ruin her figure and potentially lose out on imaginary movie roles. Also, she can’t finish Moby Dick without her concentratin’ pills.

Piper Perabo See-Through To Her Soul

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 1:50 PM

Piper Perabo In See Through Shirt At The USA Network 2013 Upfront Event In New York
Piper Perabo was that girl from Coyote Ugly until she became that girl from the lezzie film Los and Delirious where she had sex with Jessica Pare. Once you’ve had sex with Jessica Pare, that’s pretty much all you’ll ever be known for. Trust me. I’m sick of it. Piper I guess wants to be known for something else now that she showed up in a see-through top at the upfronts in New York for USA Network. She’s wearing pasties underneath which kind of is a big fuck you to the 3% of straight men interested in a television red carpet event. Still, tits remain the best attention grabber ever so I guess Piper wins.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF, PCN, WENN

Kim Kardashian’s Ankle Hams Don’t Fit In Heels

By Jack May 17, 2013 @ 1:00 PM

Kim Kardashian Pregnant With Swollen Feet In Los Angeles

Kim Kardashian continued her quest to accentuate just how fat she’s gotten by wearing a pair of ridiculously tight heels. She complained to her paid friends that her swollen feet hurt after she somehow managed to shove her puffed up pregger hooves into a pair of Givenchy heels in defiance of physics and God’s will. She was also wearing a white dress that was so tight I think I saw the baby’s face.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Courtney Robertson In A Bikini

By Lex May 17, 2013 @ 12:42 PM

Courtney Robertson In A Bikini On The Beach In Los Angeles
It’s hard not to feel bad for Courtney Robertson after her staged engagement to The Bachelor fell apart a few days ahead of schedule. It’s not easy being a hybrid reality star where only most of your world is completely pre-programmed. That leaves a lot of room for the unpredictable. Like the public announcement that you’re torn up over not getting married on a Tuesday when your call sheet clearly says sudden shocking news reveal on Thursday. Fake tears don’t just turn themselves on.

Heres Courtney Robertson in a bikini. I’d fake marry her.

Photo Credit: PCN