Monica Lewinsky Doesn’t Like Being the Butt

By Matt August 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

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Monica Lewinsky was offended by a reference to herself while watching Orange Is The New Black. She penned an online summary of her experience in which she bestows heroic status on herself for having the courage to write the article. In the Netflix show, one lazily developed archetypical women’s prison character said in reference to trying to frame a male guard:

“Lewinsky that shit… get some splooge on your uniform.”

Lewinsky was apparently aghast, either out of embarrassment for herself or the show’s shitty writing.

“There was a vulgar reference to my last name and DNA. I did what I usually do in these situations where the culture throws me a shard of my former self. After the cringing embarrassment, the whiff of shame, and the sense that I am no longer an agent running my own life, I shuddered, I got up off the sofa, and I turned it off.”

It’s true that of all the cultural icons to choose from in referencing a woman who took down a famous man by preserving his jizz on her dress, why do we always seem to pick on Lewinsky? I guess that must be the shard of her former self she’s talking about. Or maybe the whiff of shame.

Following her inarticulate outrage, Lewinsky digressed into a tenuous body image analogy, which is boring as fuck and does not involve blow jobs, cigars, or being a chubby horny Jewish girl from Brentwood with ambitions so I stopped reading. I can get my latter day feminist diatribes from any one on Jezebel. With Lewinsky, I want to hear about Clinton sex and snapping XL thongs. Shard! Look out.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Sony Releases New ‘N Sync Album

By Matt August 01, 2014 @ 6:19 AM

NSync

Sony just released an ‘N Synch greatest hits album and didn’t notify the band about it. The greatest hits album comes at an inopportune time for ‘N Sync, since they haven’t released an album in over a decade, already have two greatest hits albums out, and don’t have any greatest hits. The album’s liner notes are a mixed bag. Timberlake is obviously doing well, Bass is best gay friends with half of Hollywood, and Fatone is hosting obscurely conceived shows on the Food Channel.  The other two whose names nobody remembers are running janitorial at the last remaining Blockbuster in Florida.

The fact that Sony is putting out old ‘N Synch music and Michael Jackson ‘lost recordings’ album every month is not a great sign for an industry that still hasn’t figured out how to sell shit to millennials thirteen years after shutting down Napster. They could try and discover new music but that sounds like work and if the kids don’t give a shit, why bother. I guess I’m getting old, but I remember when there was a constant flow of crappy new music in the music stores to choose from. You could just say, that horrible fucking song by that Swedish band and every year it was a different horrible fucking song and different Swedish band. Now, what’s the point. Just get a chick with big tits to bang her flip flops together. Actually, that’s not bad.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Adam Levine’s Wife Is Still Alive

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 3:32 PM

Behati Prinsloo Models Bikinis For 2014 Victoria's Secret
Ten days seems like a long time to be married to Adam Levine. You’ve got to be cursing the damn environmentally sound sun oven in your designer kitchen which will only bake your head slowly on cloudless days. Women don’t like messy exits. Poison, suffocation, watching The View until your medulla oblongata melts. Now that women’s magazines can no longer speculate about the dating or the marriage, they’ve turned their attention to asking Prinsloo about making babies. Blessed to be born naturally dumb, the Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t require the services of a public relations agent to empty up her responses:

I have no expectations. Not in a bad way, but I’ve learned that you can’t plan ahead. I live day by day and see what happens. It’s vague, but I like it that way.

It’s that vagabond throw caution to the wind mentality that led Prinsloo to marry People magazine’s sexiest sex pot man alive who also happens to be worth about $50 million. That was pretty randomly day by day fortunate. I give them another ten days, unless she does get pregnant, then twenty.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Zoe Saldana Promotes Movies Well

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Zoe Saldana Nude And Covered For The 2014 September Issue Of Women's Health
Chris Pratt had to run around to tons of late night talk shows doing staged jokes to promote Guardians of the Galaxy. They told Zoe Saldana she could just take her clothes off for a woman’s magazine. That’s pretty fucking sexist. Yet I know I don’t need to hear her talk or see Chris Pratt naked. Maybe it’s time to change the way we look at sexism.

Photo Credit: Women’s Health

Starving Kids Enjoying Healthy Michelle Obama Lunches More and More

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

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All that hubbub about how school kids across the country were spitting out Michelle Obama’s soy milk curried couscous into the trash can and skipping the new cheap healthy cafeteria meals altogether can be put to rest. Quite coincidentally, a public university in Obama’s hometown of Chicago did a vaguely scientific study where some small number of cafeteria ladies voluntarily responded to a survey declaring that kids were 70-percent more accepting of the nasty wilted sprout lunches than last year. Naturally, they only surveyed the poor and malnourished free lunch kids who surprisingly discovered they liked the healthy food options more and more with every passing meal skipped. In a related study, kids with Kwashiorkor bellies in Somalian refugee camps love of raw corn meal and maggots is up 100%!. It’s amazing how missing a few meals will shake a kid back to the right path. Success, Michelle.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Ali Larter Doesn’t Need Stupid Bras

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 12:48 PM

Ali Larter Goes Braless In A Low Cut Top In Beverly Hills
It’s amazing how a few seconds seeing a girls tits covered in whipped cream can affect a boy for an entire lifetime. I could stare at Ali Larter’s tits all day long without another thought crossing my mind save for the thought of other women’s boobs. You can’t block out one pair with another. There’s a math equation that explains that. I wish they had an Amazon local coupon to see them bare. So much better than half-priced Thai food.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Nobody Likes Allison Williams and Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 31, 2014 @ 12:16 PM

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NBC announced that extremely modestly talented Allison Williams would be playing Peter Pan in a musical version of the classic children’s tale. Much of the Internet delayed their salad selfies for a moment to trash Brian Williams’ daughter while a small minority masturbated feverishly thinking of Peter Pan with tits. That is kind of hot.

Read all about Allison Williams raping your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Miranda Kerr almost tit-baring for 7 For All Mankind jeans. (Drunken Stepfather)

Leah Wright’s bikini pics make me want to go to Essex…wherever the fuck that is. (Hollywood Tuna)

Gisele Bundchen wants to remind you that she’s hot in a bikini. (The Superficial)

Taylor Swift and her perfect jizz legs went for a walk in New York City. (Popoholic)

Charlize Theron warned to not marry human ass tumor Sean Penn. (Dlisted)

Hey, it’s 1996 again and Carmen Electra is pole dancing for Galore Magazine. (COED)

Courtney Stodden Finally Impresses

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 11:53 AM

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I’ve been accused of being a hard-hearted bastard. Mostly by family members, occasionally that label is even used in lawsuits. I’m sure there’s a Latin term that sounds more elegant. But I’m never above giving credit where it’s due. I’ve seen many fame whores with big tits in Hollywood in my time, but I’ve never seen one take flight before. This is either a trick of the camera or the metallic filaments Courtney Stodden installed in her tits for Christmas time flare were pulled into the Van Allen Radiation Belt. It could be that solar flare that almost didn’t destroy the earth. Consider me impressed.

Photo Credit: Coleman-Rayner