Gwyneth Paltrow Is Deeply Amazing

By colin August 20, 2014 @ 11:01 AM

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When word got out that Chris Martin was dating Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow and her rapid response team of semi-psychotic public relations yentas leapt into action. There was a explosive dispersement of stories to the major magazines about how Gwyneth was being courted by one of the dudes who created Glee. In fact, it was suggested, maybe the pair had been canoodling for some time. In your face, Gay Beethoven. As if Gwyneth couldn’t instantly replace you with another effeminate creative genius who hates himself enough to date you.

Part two of the public reputation saving plan launched this week as Gwyneth’s circle of celebrity minor friends like Jessica Seinfeld suddenly began Tweeting about what an amazing person she is.

I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many.

There were a bunch of smiley face and fireworks and glittery emoticons in the quote as well I can’t reproduce because I’m using WordPress and I’m not an eleven year old girl . If any of my friends ever sent me firework emoticons, I’d inform them we were no longer bunking head to foot at Burning Man. But I’m not deeply and intensely loved as Gwyneth Paltrow, the North Star of friends.

It used to be you had to circumnavigate the globe in a creaky clipper ship to earn such an impressive nickname. Now recommending an earth-friendly conditioner and sending autographed photos of yourself to your friends for their birthdays will do. If Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence get engaged, expect to see Gwyneth receiving a medal from Obama in the Rose Garden for having flawless skin. She’s not being one-upped again.

Photo credit: Jessica Seinfeld/Instagram

Nicki Minaj Have Ass Will Ass Travel

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 10:16 AM

Nicki Minaj Shows Off Her Booty In Her Video For 'Anaconda'
Here’s more from the Anaconda music video from Nicki Minaj that is certain to reshape the very face of music. Sort of the way a car crash and plowing your head through a windshield at 40mph will reshape the very look of your face. Now that the dictates of my profession have forced me to watch the entire fucking video twice, I can say that this auditory pile of shit has some pretty nice asses. And when the dude at JuCo who made this in half an hour on GarageBand sampled Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s pretty fucking fresh. In the fine tradition of men’s magazines, I give this music video three boners. If Nicki’s ass were to explode in a ghastly blast of bloody homogenized fat, I’d take away one boner, but I’d buy it on iTunes instead of ripping it from YouTube.

JWoww Wants None Sex

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Jenni JWOWW Farley Looking Heavier Out In New York
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.

Photo Credit: Splash

Just Give Lou Gehrig Your Fucking Money Already (VIDEO)

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM







Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.

Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!

Why You Should Watch the Gruesome James Foley Beheading Video

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 6:30 PM

ISIS-Video-Purports-to-Show-Beheading-of-James-Foley

We can’t easily fix the fact that there are a few million Islamic Fundamentalists who believe slaughtering innocent men, women, children, and probably beloved house pets brings them closer to their god. They’re in the business of subjugation and genocide, which is hard to root for in the world of the sane, though in the Middle East and parts of Paris and London, it plays fairly well. The Islamic Caliphate is never actually coming back. These blood-thirsty primitives are never going to actually get what they want. The United States could turn the entire historical Caliphate into a radioactive moonscape of ashen skulls within half an hour. Technology has changed since the Middle Ages. This leaves only the sociopathic human cleansing in the name of Allah. That could go on for centuries.

I believe it’s worth the shock value of seeing an ISIS jihadist with a decidedly British accent slice off the head of an innocent photo journalist. Barbarism isn’t something that fully translates to the completely oral tradition. The act of viewing forces your mind to wrestle with the horror. The unpleasant sensation informs your view of the world. You will almost certainly never experience what photojournalist James Foley and his loved ones did today, but you can watch the unfolding madness and make it some little permanent part of you.

If you choose, you can see the video HERE. I’m not putting it on this site because I don’t want the corporate overlords running kitty litter commercials against it. Yes, it’s gruesome. No, I don’t think it’s disrespectful to his family to become more informed by way of his death. That may be one of Mr. Foley’s precious leave behinds.

(And, yes, this is sitting above a bikini picture. Maybe that’s appropriate considering how badly these twisted mofos hate women baring skin, or just women in general.)

Nina Agdal In A Bikini

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:45 PM

Nina Agdal In A Bikini At The Encore Beach Club In Las Vegas
If there’s one thing you need add to your bucket list, it’s getting an uncomfortable boner while checking out a promo girl behind a far away VIP rope line at a Las Vegas pool club. That’s really the best. Or the worst strip club proposition ever. Still, you get Vegas at 115-degrees. It’s a dry heat. You’re going home broke. You might as well tell people you caught a glimpse of what you think might be Nina Agdal’s ass in a bikini. Plus herpes, unrelated.

Photo Credit: Getty

Portia de Rossi Loves to Skywrite

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:12 PM

Ellen-and-Portia-Sixth-Wedding-Anniversary

Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.

Blue Ivy’s Real Mom Might Take Her Back

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 2:07 PM

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According to the website MediaTakeOut, which was once almost right about something in 2012, a woman named Tina Seals carried Blue Ivy in her belly for nine months and is now suing for custody. According to HollywoodLife.com, which takes completely unfounded stories and then hires experts to give quotes to make them seem legitimate, the surrogate mom might actually have some custodial rights even though she contractually bound herself to a womb-for-hire arrangement. It has to do with complicated family law in the State of New York that has yet to catch up with the multiple ways in which rich and famous people are making babies magically appear these days.

During Beyonce’s pregnancy, many conjecturing assholes such as myself contended she was faking the entire swollen belly bit and that the future stripper named baby was really being carried by a surrogate. This is an extremely common practice among high profile women who make money off their figures. Beyonce skipped all those trendy naked pregnancy photos and when it came time for the birth, the couple rented out the entire floor of the hospital so the baby could be born in extreme privacy. It was all very suspicious. Leading to opportunistic crazies like Tina Seals to now come out of the woodworks. Since the baby presumably carries no DNA link to the surrogate mom, I’m not sure how you prove your carried Blue Ivy in your womb. Maybe it still smells of Shalimar and gold. ┬áNone of this is true. But it’s fun to imagine annoying things happening to super annoying people.

Photo credit: Splash News