What If Danity Kane Reunited and Nobody Noticed?

By Lex July 22, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

Aubrey O’Day Arrives With Danity Kane For Their Performance At Liquid Pool In Las Vegas
Who can forget where they were when they heard Aubrey O’Day had left Danity Kane? Aubrey didn’t quit so much as Sean Combs fired her for having vagina lust. Aubrey showed them all by growing her totally natural breasts two cup sizes entirely through the power of prayer. She then released a solo album that got solid airplay on Channel 7 Contemporary on United Airlines headset radio. The Danity Kane girls have reunited a few times before, but never for such a major gig as an off-strip Vegas hotel pool party. It wasn’t quite as awkward the KISS reunion at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when Peter Criss announced Gene Simmons yiddish curses had given him breast cancer. But it was super close. For ten seconds everybody stopped looking at Aubrey’s tits . Had it gone eleven seconds, the universe would’ve fractured and Ike Turner would’ve been re-born and beat the crap out of everybody. That’s why I hate reunions.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Alessandra Ambrosio Sucks On A Lollipop

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 3:22 PM

Alessandra Ambrosio Sucks On A Lollipop For A Lingerie Photo Shoot In Rio De Janeiro

Alessandra Ambrosio was back in her native Brazil portraying a street whore sucking on a lollipop. At some point we’ll see Hillary Clinton pushing this same pose in her continuing ‘I’m just like you’ common woman image rebuild. For Alessandra, she’s playing on one of the archetypal characters in Brazilian lore. The saucy Rio street walker. She’s like our Statue of Liberty. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to free and I will steal their kidneys while they’re unconscious in the motel that Gustavo supervises. That’s a loose translation.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kim Jong Un Is Un-Happy (VIDEO)

By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.

Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.

With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.

Anastasia Ashley In A Thong Bikini

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 1:57 PM

Anastasia Ashley In A Thong Bikini At The Beach In Miami
I am truly in love with this surfer girl. I was going to look up her surfing rankings but then I realized I’d never understand them. It’s a close call, but I dig this chick even more than that blond surfer girl who had her arm eaten by a shark then heroically went back to surfing. If the shark returns to dine on her remaining limb, she probably climbs back to the top of the list. A girl with one arm is a novelty, a girl with no arms is marriage material.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Adam Levine Gets Married (Fuck Yeah, Tool) And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 21, 2014 @ 1:14 PM

Adam-Levin-and-Behati-Prinsloo

Adam Levine somehow managed to land himself a Victoria’s Secret model wife. It reminds me of a little piece of advice my grandfather gave me when I asked him why girls didn’t want to date sweet lovable guys like me, “Mijo, chicks are fucking crazy and they love assholes”.

Read all about the fucktard and his Namibian princess bride. (Dlisted)

Lea Michele may be a killer shrew, but she wears a bikini well, damn her. (Drunken Stepfather)

Selena Gomez wears one of your grandma’s doilies and still gives you a hard-on. (Huffington Post)

Casey Kasem’s mummified corpse has gone missing. (The Superficial)

Emily Ratajkowski is practically swimming out of this bikini. (The Chive)

Homunculus ‘roidhead The Rock is going to render unto us Shazam. (io9)

Former Miss Universe Olivia Culpo remains super fucking hot.(TMZ)

Anna Paquin Is Super Sexual

By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 12:47 PM

Paquin

Anna Paquin has been publicly musing about her sex life again. She may have chosen to join the cast of True Blood just for the vampire fetish sex. A while back Paquin tweeted:

“Proud to be a happily married bisexual mother. Marriage is about love not gender.”

Of course, that doesn’t even make any sense. Bisexual merely implies you’re banging other people not your husband. It’s a fidelity issue, not a gender issue, you gap-toothed horny pound dog. Don’t turn this into a Vassar Women’s Study sit-in over gender equality. Paquin’s husband may not be too thrilled with the arrangement but at least he still gets to fuck her in front of a full camera crew on set. Her children will probably get some schoolyard heat once Paquin starts tweeting intimate details of her double sided happy married bisexual mother dildo experiences. Once again I politely query Hollywood, why the fuck must you tell me who’s licking your genitals at night?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

LeAnn Rimes In A Bikini

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 12:32 PM

LeAnn Rimes In A Tan Bikini Poolside In Miami
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s new reality show, LeAnn and Eddie, because Crazy and Shmucky was apparently already taken, debuted this week on VH-1. The classy couple are fronting the show as a chance for them to explain the real LeAnn and Eddie beyond the tabloid headlines. Then they proceed to spend the entire episode discussing the tabloid headlines because even if they don’t realize it, the show producers know it’s the only only possible reason for people to watch this kind of magic:.

Eddie: “We were both married to other people when we fell in love. And I know most of you think my wife is a homewrecker and a stalker.”

LeAnn: “You’re forgetting alcoholic, pill popper and children stealer!  And you’re also a moocher, you have no job, and you married me for my money.”

Ha, ha… wait, isn’t most of that true? Nope. If you watch the show you can learn that they are actually just a happy go lucky pair of narcissistic media-obsessed divorced vindictive a-holes trying to turn a buck off their own tawdry reputations. Then after watching the show you can ask yourself why you just spent an hour tuned into LeAnn and Eddie when you could’ve been driving a large nail through your nuts. The experiences are similar but only one will haunt you forever.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News

Victoria Silvstedt Plies Her Trade In Mykonos

By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Victoria Silvstedt In A Short Dress At The Beach In Mykonos
Victoria Silvstedt had no time for tears after her chubby French midget benefactor revoked her Amex black. Where other kept women see peril, Victoria saw an opportunity to gobble up the last remaining drachmas in Greece by working the wharf in Mykonos. She raised her hand in the international sign of the world’s oldest profession. Within two minutes a Zodiac Mark 6 carrying somebody loosely related to Socrates came by and picked her up for a tour of his many child trafficking way stations throughout the archipelago. This is no different than Edgerrin James taking that fat contract with the Cardinals. When you can see the end of your career, you can’t afford to listen to the critics.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet