ISIS Takes Cornell (VIDEO)

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Guy

Cornell’s Assistant Dean Joseph Scaffido is accepting of other cultures and beliefs in the progressive tradition. Even terrorists who are into beheading children and Death to America. Someone made an undercover video where they asked him if ISIS would be welcome on Cornell’s campus:

“Maybe we could get like a freedom fighter to come and do a training camp for students?”

At this point you have to figure you’re being trolled. You might even want to reach for that protractor in your drawer and tell security to check the bridges. Scaffido said there’s no need to worry, terrorists are free to train at Cornell so long as their Toyota trucks sport a Coexist bumper sticker:

“You would be allowed to do something like that, it’s just like bringing in a coach to do a training camp on a sports team or something.”

A coach would be banned from campus if he yelled at the power forward and he complained to his therapists. When people say they’re big on diversity, try them out on Thanksgiving dinner invites for 2nd Amendment diehards. They mean superficial diversity, trust me. Don’t send your kids to Cornell unless you want to breed an annoying radical terrorist with a gluten allergy. These beards are itchy.

Sara Sampaio Sells El Diablo (VIDEO)

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 1:16 PM

This chick is Portuguese which makes her the perfect model to be leading a fast food restaurant push into Mexican themed burgers. The Thickburger El Diablo has raw jalapeños, deep-fried jalapenos, and a slathering of groundwater scum collected from an alley behind an Ixtapa area Futbol Club. It’s authentic. Your colon will bleed in both directions. Apparently it’s all the rage among hot chicks in ice hotels frequented by Nordic metrosexuals. The screams you here in the frozen outhouse are just pain leaving the body. Drop a deuce for the devil. You are free, mi amigo.

Photo Credit: Carl’s Jr

Creepy Dad Makes Millions on YouTube (VIDEO)

By Lex March 19, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

A Filipino dad moved to the U.S. and started directing his preschool aged children to play with toys on camera for his YouTube channel. Nothing novel until millions of people started watching the videos daily. I’d blame it on the pedos, why not, but they simply don’t fill enough ranks to explain the views. This perversion runs far deeper. It’s that disturbing trend of women immersed in other people’s offspring. It starts with a few Likes for baby photos on Facebook photos and the next thing you know you’re up to seven hours a day watching kids you don’t know jumping into urine soaked shopping mall playpens. You know you should stop, but you can’t. You could call your sponsor, but she’s watching too. It’s just so damn delicious.

The genius family in question chooses not to share their last names, which is smart, since several hundred unstable fat women with knives want desperately to live with them. The dad says he’ll take in $1.5 million in video revenue this year, second only to YouTube itself which will take in about 800 billion times infinity exploiting kiddy home videos. The family is buying cars and homes and of course saving up college funds for whichever ones of their kids haven’t killed themselves by eighteen. Two out of three seems a safe estimate.

Naked Chef Jenn Gets It In the Kitchen (VIDEO)

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 11:40 AM

Eventually, all visual media whittles down to the ability to see naked chicks doing stuff. Maybe this will change if we ever get girls to start pursuing engineering degrees like they pretend to do in the college promos run during NCAA sporting events. This chick in Argentina gets the basic principle. She started filming videos of herself in the kitchen barely covering her titties and she got eight billion views. Most of the world doesn’t understand what she’s saying. Nobody cares. Look at those avocados. I want to marry her off to my cousin then sleep with her behind his back. That fucker owes me money. She owes me nothing, yet she’s giving so much. Life is easy when you’re good looking and your breasts are what’s for dinner.

More on the Coco Lingerie Line, It Needs More (VIDEO)

By Matt March 16, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

Coco

If you are shaped like one of those things you squirt into a baby’s ear you’re in luck because Coco Austin is launching a lingerie company. In earlier times Coco would be rounded into a caravan to tour mill towns with the bearded woman and that goat with two heads. Times have changed. Not for better or worse. Just different. The company is called Cocolicious Lingerie and if you buy it for your girlfriend she’ll think you’re calling her fat because you are. It will premiere at the end of the month at a party held at the shadiest strip club near LAX if it isn’t shut down first. Remember to rock your grill. My money says the whole thing is an excuse to make a bunch of these twerking videos so she can show off her subcutaneous undulations. Mona Lisa wasn’t that hot. It’s all relative. To be followed up with a line of sexy designer seatbelt extensions.

This Girl in a Bikini Seems Awful Angry (VIDEO)

By Matt March 11, 2015 @ 9:47 AM

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Some insane chick with a thick Cuban accent beat the shit out of a tricked out Ford while a guy sat inside and just kind of watched. She was wearing a bikini and had huge tits hence this is automatically more interesting than any Hillary Clinton story. The guy obviously did something to piss her off such as not paying her fair wages just because she’s a woman. Or maybe it was just a lover’s spat or some bullshit reality show stunt. There are plenty of those these days. She certainly seemed to be attacking the car for real. That hard to hurt. If we could teach pissed off bikini girl to use her powers for good instead of evil she could be unstoppable. Take a knee. Actually make it two.

Lindsey Pelas Running Braless In Slo-Mo (VIDEO)

By Lex March 10, 2015 @ 11:45 AM

People often ask me, what is click bait? This. This is click bait. Stop fucking asking.

Photo Credit: LiveRichMedia

Kim Kardashian Has Sex 500 Times a Day (VIDEO)

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

Kanye West Mounts Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian’s claim that she has sex with Kanye five hundred times a day seems exaggerated. It’s probably closer to fifty and only some of that is Kanye. That’s entire reason for the bakery Turn-O-Matic tickets at the entrance to Kim’s fuck cave. Plausible deniability. Also to stop vehicles from ramming.

Kim’s revelation comes in the latest promo for her sister-whores program which officially surpasses the nine year Iraq War as the longest pointless engagement in our nation’s history. Khloe makes a face like somebody stole her last four pastrami sandwiches and Kris tries to pretend she can voluntarily twitch her facial muscles. Not watching is not an option. Kim and Kanye just fucked seventeen times in the two minutes it took you to read this. This is what it’s like when doves cry.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Chyna Falls Further From Grace (VIDEO)

By Matt February 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Chyna

Puffy faced former WWE star Chyna posted a video of herself twerking while high on muscle relaxers as another cry for help. Chyna’s Twitter account is a running exercise in morbid exhibitionism. Mundane video blogs about tampons and strung out musings on birch bark to be used as cutaways on a Real Sports segment about how fucked up pro wrestlers are. Keep it in the can, we’ll run out of shit one of these days. Back Door to Chyna set the bar at sad. If that didn’t inspire an intervention then your friends either don’t like you or are just too fucked up to move. Save it for Dr Phil but I’m not buying your book. Your socks are dirty.

Tory Lane Oozes Passion (VIDEO)

By Lex February 20, 2015 @ 1:57 PM

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Award winning porn actress Tory Lane got arrested on a fight from Atlanta to LAX for going full berserker. No doubt this will be explained as a bad reaction to Ambien similar to Paris Hilton’s little brother, Dipshit Hilton, punching a flight attendant and calling everybody in economy class ‘fucking peasants’. Lane was out of her mind screaming and kicking fellow passengers, so not much different than the typical kids on the flight, only unlike those crying babies, she’s actually contributed something positive to the world.

The flight crew finally restrained Lane to her seat. Cops came on board after the flight arrived in Los Angeles and Lane punched several of them as well. That’s the kind of commitment only a woman who’s taken a thousand cocks in her ass truly can. The authorities took Tory Lane to bad girl jail where she is no doubt sucking a ponytailed guard’s dick through the bars while a chick in for shoplifting is fingering Lane’s distended starfish stomach like labia. You can’t actually punish porn stars.

Golden Tate Seems Guilty (VIDEO)

By Matt February 20, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Golden Tate is still denying the rumor he banged Russell Wilson’s wife which led him to be traded from the Seahawks long after anyone has given a shit. Tate was in Beverly Hills with his girlfriend and two Russian chicks with giant tits having a low key night out. When asked about it by one of TMZ’s paint huffing cameramen Tate put the blame on Wilson for not squashing the rumors:

“It’s sad that he’s letting it go on.”

Maybe he has more important things going on than to hold a press conference over something only you still talk about. Maybe, being a good Christian, he knows you banged his wife, he doesn’t want to lie, and he’s happily divorced her and moved on. It should be noted Wilson’s ex-wife is supposedly best friends with Tate’s current girlfriend who is hamming it up for camera shine. So he’s denying a rumor he fucked another chick in front of his girlfriend, and throwing another dude under the bus. If this shit really went down he’s the worst person ever. I would have done the exact same thing.

Sex Offenders Used to Be Smarter (VIDEO)

By Lex February 19, 2015 @ 8:56 AM

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There seem to be more and more sex offenders getting busted. I’ll just assume they’re not as clever as they used to be. Stephen Collins confessing on tape how he liked to flash his dingle to young girls in the neighborhood. Rookie move. Your old school scout masters and pageant judges used to keep stable marriages and built bird feeders in the garage to cover their need for paneled vans. Aleksander Robin Tomaszewski was snatched up by Oregon police in connection to a sex abuse crime. He got the bright idea that Lady Justice might let him go if he was a victim of police brutality. I’m going to long shot guess he saw that somewhere on television. He took it upon himself to pound his own face in the holding cell about three dozen times then swear out a statement he was roughed up by the interviewing detectives.

Here’s the thing. First, you don’t get a Get Out of Jail Card for sex abuse because you got roughed up by cops. Second, when cops rough you up, they don’t slap you with forty light jabs and they don’t beat your face black and blue because they’re not stupid. Finally and most importantly, video camera. I could almost applaud the Jesus like effort to take one for the team if the team wasn’t comprised of one dude trying to skate on sex crimes. Punch harder next time. It’ll warm you up for what comes next.

Afroman Clocked a Drunk Chick (VIDEO)

By Matt February 19, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

Afroman-Decks-a-Drunk-Woman-on-Stage

One hit stoner-rapper wonder Afroman bravely sucker punched a drunk woman who had wandered up on stage at a show in Biloxi. The video shows Afroman grooving on his guitar, oblivious to the drunken Mardi Gras enthusiast trying to dance up on his booty. She grazes his ass and he instinctively turns around and knocks her the fuck out. It sure looks like he’s been waiting his entire life for an excuse to punch the next person who so much as touched him. Man, woman, or child.

The fact is, you have to defend your stage. God knows when you’ll get another booking. You’re never more vulnerable than when you’re playing an instrument you’re barely proficient in to a small crowd of people paying two-bucks per plastic cup of beer. If a moth buzzes your ear you’re liable to kick out the amps and go grind up Adderall in the alley. Afroman was booked into a Mississippi jail for assault and posted a $330 dollar bond, which constitutes several thousand American dollars. I think this was a misunderstanding. The guy was probably high, plus nervous about his thrice yearly live gig. At that point it’s on you. And your boyfriend who took you to see Afroman in Mississippi for Valentine’s.

The Comedy Central Roast Touts Its Own Demise

By Lex February 18, 2015 @ 8:29 AM

The entire point of a celebrity roast is to see who can get liquored up and deliver the most outlandish slams on their fellow drinking buddies. It’s a universally understood concept by any man who’s ever drank too much with friends. It’s how men bond. And occasionally some cool women who you might want to get with after you’re too drunk to do anything about it. Sometimes the roast is funny, sometimes it sucks, but that’s the constant.

Justin Bieber doesn’t have witty cool friends and nobody wants to drink with him. He’s not the regular guy in the Miller commercial you identify with, he’s the dick drinking the pretentious cocktail. Comedy Central is roasting Justin Bieber because he’s famous and will draw a shitload of teen viewers who don’t even understand the goof. Also, he’s perfected the ‘c’mon, guys’ face for the people he’s never met who will be roasting him. We accept that Katy Perry comes out in a girdle with sharks at halftime to sing her hits. When the NFL insists she play QB for the team in the lead to promote fairness, that’s when we look for anything else sports on TV. Not that a Comedy Central Roast stands for much, but I suppose it stood for something. Now that something is gone. I’m starting to understand why old people are ready to pull the plug.

Dwight Howard Cops a Feel (VIDEO)

By Matt February 13, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

We all know that guy who does a ton of gay shit and laughs it off as a joke. A good deal of his late night social repertoire are bits where he shows you his junk then laughs like Bluebeard. Do you dare me to put this hot pepperoni slice on my nuts? Hahahahaha…let’s watch porn together. Dwight Howard pulled a real humdinger when he walked right up and grabbed teammate Isaiah Canaan’s package on the bench during a game. It’s possible Howard’s just a primal bully and was deciding last minute between a cock grab and a spiked club bludgeon to the head. In that case, way to ratchet down the violence. Or it’s possible he’s letting Canaan know that he’s got some Chablis on ice back at his crib and enough model hooker pussy to provide excellent cover. Life gets more complicated when the team captain grabs your dick.

Photo Credit: Vine 

Charles Manson Is Spurned (VIDEO)

By Matt February 12, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Afton Elaine Burton, the chick who is engaged to marry Charles Manson, was apparently just using the convicted murderer so she could profit from publicly displaying his corpse in a glass crypt once he dies. Manson thinks he’s immortal so he never considered this illicit motive. On the scale of super powers I’d put being immortal way above being able to break out of a shabby prison. Sounds like he might be full of shit. Also, if you’re immortal getting married is an awful idea for prenuptial reasons. It’s ironic a dude who brainwashed chicks into killing people is now being played as a fool. The difference: he was getting more pussy than Frank Sinatra during the dog days of acid. Now’s he’s lucky to get a hand job under a fold out table by the vending machine. What goes around comes around bitch.

Burton, also known as Star since she’s unoriginal, kind of claims the marriage is still on but who gives a shit. I wouldn’t drive more than two hours to see Charles Manson’s body encrypted behind glass at a truck stop. Ok maybe three. Definitely not more than two states.

Pete Carroll Nearly Repentent (VIDEO)

By Matt February 06, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

It’s important to realize Pete Carroll would be lying in a shallow grave right now if the U.S. were any of the seventeen assorted South American dictatorships. After staying inside for four days and wondering why he just ordered the salmon pizza for delivery, why he put his hand on his buddy’s wife’s knee that one time, and why the fuck he called a passing play down the middle on the two inch line, he decided to show his face and talk to Matt Lauer. He was mostly apologetic:

“It’s been a whirlwind… I feel responsible for a lot of people right now… Within the instant of the turnover, the gravity of what just happened, I understood.”

Then Lauer asked him the rhetorical question of whether that was the worst play call in the history of the world. After thinking about his yellow PT Cruiser, his Sega stockholdings, and the metal detector he bought for the beach, Carroll ultimately bucked responsibility:

“It was the worst result of a call ever. The call would have been a great one if we’d caught it. It would have been just fine and nobody would have thought twice about it.”

The same way having thirty beers and driving home is a great idea if you aren’t arrested or don’t kill anyone. You wake up the next day saucer eyed wondering what you’ve done. Then you promise yourself not to do it again. That’s the lesson dickhead. Let Beast Mode drive you.

Ashley Graham Is Big Love (VIDEO)

By Lex February 04, 2015 @ 1:32 PM

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Ashley Graham is out to prove a point. Really hot chunky chicks with big ole fun titties are people too. The message is directed at the guys you and I have never met who would turn down a gorgeous overweight girl on principle. Ashley’s size fourteen is actually the average size of American women, but based on the average size portions at the Cheesecake factory, you’d know this is hardly a universe where the term average has any qualitative meaning. Ashley’s set to become the first plus sized model to ever appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and she’s using the opportunity to horribly miseducated women:

It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 2 or 22 as long as you’re taking care of your body, working out, and telling yourself, ‘I love you’ instead of taking in the negativity of beauty standards.

Though it kind of matters. If you want to live. Until such time as positive affirmation cures diabetes. Now it’s just a matter of training up the seven-hundred person strong Photoshop department at SI to not go hog wild on airbrushing Ashley’s flab and defeating her raison d’être. Maybe they’l just eliminate her nipples twice.

Photo credit: ETOnline

Randy Quaid Underrated (VIDEO)

By Matt February 04, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Randy Quaid and his wife are still exiled in Canada where they fled following vandalism and burglary charges. I think they also sodomized some exotic animals on the way out of town. The U.S. threw their passports in the carbon neutral incinerator. Quaid isn’t ready to admit he loves meth and is still blaming everyone else for his problems in brazenly paranoid and delusional rants. His latest line of logic finds Rupert Murdoch actively plotting to ruin his life and clearly succeeding. He cites Police Media Corruption, a conspiracy ring which spins a wheel and throws darts at random character actors and has them falsely arrested.

In his recent avant garde offering he puts a photo of Rupert Murdoch on his bikini clad wife’s face, bends her over, spits on his hand, rubs it on her ass, and begins humping her repeatedly while a dog howls. This type of behavior can’t help his case against the Police Media Corporation. The images are rather unsettling because it leads you to believe this is the type of thing cabin dwellers have always done, even prior to Youtube. Quaid is apparently drifting in and out of reality and thinks he is somehow responsible for saving the world because the character he played in Independence Day did just that. I can’t remember if he lived or not in that version, but he might want to consider a posthumous medal this go around.

Kendra Sunderland Topless Library Masturbator Extraordinaire (VIDEO)

By Lex January 30, 2015 @ 2:34 PM

Kendra-Sunderland-Diddling-In-the-Library
Thanks to the several of you who sent me this video. Receiving porn from other men is less disturbing than in the days of used VHS tapes. Having now witnessed the full thirty minutes of this college student flashing and fingering in the library video, I’ve learned a few things myself.

For instance, OSU student Kendra Sunderland has amazing tits. Also, chicks are stupid and will do pretty much anything a cute boy tells them to do on the other end of FaceTime or Skype. This after ten thousand publicized incidents of girls ruining their lives by getting naked on camera. It’s like stopping teenaged sex itself with stern warnings and film strips. Some behavior nature just owns.

Kendra will look back on being kicked out of Oregon State and whatever fine and probation she gets from her inane public indecency arrest and realize this was the best thing that ever happened to her. If not the best thing, the most profitable thing. The average OSU grad barista does not make what the average blonde porn star with massive tits and a cute face makes. Also, you get some travel.

Here’s some clips I cut of the video. If you want to see the full video including the bare pussy mashing you can visit one of your porn clip sites. I can’t link to them from here or the Russian mob will spay and neuter my dogs and cats. That’s a euphemism.

Parents Pissed Over Kiddy Strip Search (VIDEO)

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

They don’t fuck around at Texas schools with sensitive solutions to serious problems. When the principal at an elementary school kept finding human kid shit on the floor of his gym, he rounded up all the tykes under his roof, split up the boys and girls to keep biblical, then had them drop their pants for shit stain inspection. Parent outrage ensued. You might think, yeah, fuck, you can’t ask my ten year old to show you his bare ass crack because some troubled kid keeps crapping in the gym. I’ve got two words for you. Patriot Act. The authorities, including school principals and anybody above junior greeter at Walmart, can demand your kids get naked whenever the hell they want. What are they hiding in their underpants? Isn’t that your real concern? Is it Mexican hash? Weapons? Or just fresh treadmarks from dropping a deuce in the multipurpose room. It’s called security. Start dressing your kids in clear plastic bags to make this go faster. That’s not a request.

Justin Bieber Sincerely Apologizes (VIDEO)

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

There’s some kind of quiet dignity in being a colossal dick. An arrogant ass who doesn’t give a fuck about anybody but himself and how he’s feeling from moment to moment. Not those small time punks who piss and moan. I mean one ginormous a-hole who fucks everything he pleases, pisses on his sycophants, and reminds you how he can buy you several times over. Justin Bieber. It wasn’t noble, but it was definitely remarkable.

This Justin Bieber ‘I’ve changed’ nonsense is simply disheartening. It’s like popping in on Bin Laden and he’s tearfully watching Precious. You don’t want to shoot that guy in the head. You want to give him a hug. Bieber’s whispered apology for being an arrogant dick these past eighteen months (he checked his calendar apparently) just makes him pathetic. In the end, you’ve left us with nothing, Justin. Well played, you tatted up miniaturized fuck.

GoDaddy Bitches Out (VIDEO)

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 12:24 PM

Go Daddy has decided to pull a pretty funny Super Bowl commercial featuring a lost puppy who finds his way back home only to be stuffed into a crate and sold on eBay by an evil puppy mill wench. The ad was intended to mock Budweiser’s ridiculously cheese dick ad about a similar puppy and his Brokeback Mountain style relationship with his owner. PETA sounded off and Go Daddy’s CEO relented because it’s just not fucking worth it with these people:

“What should have been a fun and funny ad clearly missed the mark and we will not air it… because we’re pussies.”

I took some liberty with that very last part. Animal rights activists feel strongly this one hypothetical puppy matters because it’s fluffy and they are experiencing menopause and devoid of reason. But mostly this is the fault of GoDaddy and the weak willed corporate culture that cave to political correctness. They made the fucking commercial and obviously patted themselves on the back for being hilarious rebels of the business world. A few angry social media posts from humorless small dog owners later and ballsy is replaced with whatever the opposite of ballsy is. American corporations used to fund coups in foreign countries. Now they’re backing off Super Bowl ad buys because DreaLUVSCalicos is flaming them on Twitter. Even the Chinese eunuchs are laughing at us now.

NFL Goes Deep On Domestic Violence (VIDEO)

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

In shocking overcompensation for badly mishandling of the Ray Rice situation, the NFL will air this ad during the first quarter of the Super Bowl . It’s part of their No More campaign to stop domestic violence and its biggest enablers, such as the NFL. The spot features a lady who is scared for her life calling 911 and pretending to calmly order a pizza while her abusive partner is in the room. The operator is apparently dumber than all of us because he’s the only one who doesn’t get it. It’s not a bad work of fiction but the league might want viewers to focus on the warning signs before we get into potentially deadly fake Papa John’s call. Does your boyfriend bump Eminem in his Tahoe? Has your fiance ever mentioned in passing that Nicole deserved it? Has your husband ever injected anything into his dick while screaming Tap Out at the flatscreen? By virtue of being the NFL, the NFL has already done more to draw attention to domestic violence than any ad campaign ever could. Let’s focus on getting rid of it. We all know it exists. Just check your rosters.