By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
If you’re not getting an invite to be in this Love Magazine Christmas not quite nude melange, you ought start figuring out how to get frigid magazine editors to anoint you the next Lena Dunham. Every girl with a pretty smile and a nice ass has been featured in these videos this month. They even let Kris Jenner pose after she promised to buy a ton of copies and not flash the triple-6′s etched into her skull during The Creation. Not being featured in this feature is like going through college without getting an STD. It only means you weren’t popular.
Photo Credit Love Magazine
By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 10:11 AM
Lindsay Lohan got the latest nod to dance creepily for Love Magazine’s ode to Quaalude Christmas. Video producers had the foresight to put Lindsay in an oversized sweater so viewers can pretend drinking since puberty hasn’t left her looking like an aging madam in an Old West saloon. I couldn’t think of anything more Christmas than watching Lindsay Lohan trying to be coquettish. Perhaps the reindeer pulling a train on Mrs. Clause while Kris films with a GoPro mounted to his hat. Or the birth of Jesus.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Matt December 16, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Sam Jackson posted a video he clearly won’t remember asking for a Celebrity Call to Action from his Connecticut home paid for with Capitol One money. He could’ve just hit Reply All from the last Sean Penn email asking his fellow SAG members why nobody came to dig spread fields with him in shanty towns in Haiti, but he chose the YouTube video route instead. It’s one thing to get wicked drunk and make an ass of yourself. It’s another if you’re being a dick about it and calling out Lou Gehrig’s Disease for a fight on the blacktop after school. Get your old ass out there if you give a shit about police brutality or any other social ills you read about with your legs crossed. Failing that, make your maid promise not to listen to you the next time you get liquored and order her to roll camera.
By Lex December 11, 2014 @ 12:07 PM
Angelea Preston, for whom the entire world of VH-1 and Bravo opportunities commonly available to semi-literate trashy looking woman of color was just opening, insists she was denied her victory in Cycle 17 of America’s Next Top Model because producers and Tyra Banks found out she used to be a paid escort. The show uses the terms Cycles instead of Seasons as the amount of clostridium botulinum, cake makeup, and clear booze consumed on set has caused all the contestants and production crew to be in constant state of menstruation. Everything is shot from the ankles up so you don’t see the blood clotting on the otherwise fabulous shoes.
Preston’s $3 million lawsuit claims even though the final aired show didn’t reveal her to be the winner of Cycle 17, she was told by producers she had won and would be taking home the prize package of $100K plus a set of chlamydia soaked silver hairbrushes. Then it was all swapped out in post-production when her secret sex for hire past was discovered. Discovering a contestant on ANTM used to be a whore involves the painstaking process of asking them ‘Hey, what did you do before this, and be honest?’ Had she merely taken bearer bonds or a Guess photo ad in exchange for sex, Preston would’ve bonded with Tyra over war stories and ethanol soaked cotton balls. Preston says she never was told being a prostitute was a deal killer and that no rational person would believe that DQs you from any model or actress related award. That does make sense. Look for this lawsuit to be settled quickly in the manner of Tyra Banks ripping out this chick’s weave, calling her a whore, and pushing her down a flight of stairs. That’s model justice.
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 12:27 PM
Hailey Baldwin is best friends with the model formerly known as Kendall Jenner so they let her show off her tits as well for the Love magazine calendar. I don’t think it’s actually a calendar so much as a series of videos of teenaged girls being spanked or flashing skin or dancing around motel rooms like they are dim-witted and bored. Which couldn’t possibly describe Hailey Baldwin. Who cares. She’s eighteen now and unless her dad rides by on his skateboard punching you in the name of Jesus the Savior, you might as well check out his daughter on a bare mattress experiencing her Ghosts of Christmas Future.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 2:18 PM
An American kindergarten teacher in Abu Dhabi got whacked in a mall bathroom because it turns out radical Muslims don’t cotton to Westerners coming to their Caliphate and trying to do that education thing. Thanks to strict gun control laws, the mother of twins was merely stabbed to death by this Islamic assassin which is sad, but not a huge surprise, given that the American embassy was telling American school teachers in the Mideast that they were targets for assassination. I once tutored a kid and it was rewarding, but if I knew a zealot with a sickle didn’t approve of my spreading the word of Algebra, I would have forsaken the ten bucks an hour and found work in a shawarma shack.
The murderer is known by the authorities as the Reem Island Ghost, because the police in Abu Dhabi fancy themselves Steve and Velma cruising in the Mystery Machine solving supernatural frights. He’s actually a dude who is able to get away with dressing in black burqa robes from head to toe and perfectly fitting in. It’s like a fat guy wearing cargo pants and a Sooner Nation t-shirt in Vegas. You’re going to blend. In Abu Dhabi, when the police ask you if you noticed anything out of the ordinary, you just say, not really, just a dude dressed entirely in black wielding a blade and praying loudly to Allah in a shopping mall ladies room. You actually do see that everyday.
Watch the video so you can hear the dramatic music the Abu Dhabi police added to the CCTV footage. This seems like it’s really exciting for them. Or they don’t give a shit. One of the two.
By Matt December 01, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Mickey Rourke staged a boxing match in Russia because he still has something to prove to his dad. Also he likes banging whores with the kind of crooked teeth only Mother Russia serves up. It turns out his opponent was not a legitimate boxer but some hobo Rourke’s people found on the streets of Pasadena. At this point they paid for his passport and brought him to Russia for twenty bucks and All You Can Eat chicken marsala on the private jet:
“The real story is he’s homeless and desperate and he will probably go back to living on the streets when he gets back. People have no clue about that.”
While Rourke’s acting career remains tenuous one thing is for certain: He will fuck up a homeless guy in Russia who could probably kick his ass in real life, so think twice before you double take his plastic face. You’re one step away from taking a dive for his recuperating ego. Rourke’s three punches per round volleys are unstoppable.
By Matt November 28, 2014 @ 6:38 AM
Richard Sherman protested his teammate Marshawn Lynch’s $100,000 dollar fine levied by the NFL for not speaking to the media after a recent game. NFL rules clearly state players must tell reporters tired lines like ‘one game at a time’ and ‘we left it all out on the field’ and ‘we got faith in each other’ so that we can pretend interviewing guys took some criminology at Central Florida is going to produce insight into the human condition. Sherman thought it’d be hilarious to mock the NFL with a shoddy comedy routine with a cardboard cutout in front of the media. Sherman’s point was simple: force me to speak to the press and I’m going to be insolent as fuck. Sure its hypocritical the NFL is sponsored by Budweiser but won’t allow its players to endorse alcoholic products, although I’m pretty sure Bud Light is healthier than Chunky Soup. The league is not going to stand for this. Look for Sherman to be called for some questionable holding penalties in coming weeks and for Roger Goodell to tell Ray Rice he can come back if he shows his loyalty by planting crack in Sherman’s locker. Nobody fucks with The Jesus.
By Matt November 26, 2014 @ 7:17 AM
Kendra Wilkinson said she was unaware being one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends entailed fucking him even though that’s what girlfriend means. ‘Someone I’m seeing’ or ‘we’re dating’ or ‘he invited me to see Wicked’ might imply there’s no sex, yet, or ever for that Wicked bit, but girlfriend clearly means you’ve been inside of her. Ask a caveman, he’ll tell you the same.
According to Wilkinson she thought the girlfriend gig just entailed living in the Playboy Mansion for free room and board. She may be the first stripper ever not deeply rooted in the no such thing as free lunches axiom. I wouldn’t mind hanging out in a mansion in my pajamas all day, but when it entails sucking a wrinkly pump action dick on a contractually obligated basis I’d rather pass. I’ll pay for my own Kung Pao delivery, thank you. Wilkinson is now in a troubled marriage with an unemployed man who secretly loves cock. Looking back, she has to think of that 78 year old and an occasional sludgy quickie rather fondly.
By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 8:17 AM
The video for Beyonce’s latest auto tuned braggadocio is pretty stripped down. Another way to say that is minimal or failing that dull, shitty, uninspired, and lazy. It features Beyonce drinking booze in a hotel suite and occasionally some local strippers show up to shake their asses and probably try and score blow cut with less Bayer aspirin. The vid features several outfit changes on Beyonce’s part because that’s super exciting to chicks and turns the gay dudes who listen to Beyonce on. It looks like it was shot in about fifteen minutes but with the costume changes and visits to the on-site bulimia chamber I’d liberally give it a few hours. If you ever get to a certain point where people start blindly buying your music for no discernible reason you may as well seize the opportunity to make a point. In this case that point is, fuck you, you’re stupid and lack self-reflection. I’m going to get hammered and relive my slumber party days because I’m bored and you’re going to watch it. Guilty as charged.
By Matt November 21, 2014 @ 7:41 AM
Footage has emerged of Lana Del Rey playing a rape victim in a short film shot by Eli Roth, the creep who made all the Hostel torture porn movies. It vaguely ties into a Marylin Manson project. Basically those two guys wanted to shoot a bunch of fucked up shit including a rape scene and thought they’d figure it out later. You never know when you might need a good rape scene. The staged rape footage was stashed after everyone on the set fucked and came down from their Ketamine highs and only reappeared recently. Roth once mentioned it to Larry King, passing off his lack of action as an attempt to shield the masses from his earth shattering art:
“The footage is so sick, it’s been locked in a vault for over a year.”
By locked in a vault do you mean saved on a flash drive at your house in the valley next to the basket of dog toys? At this point this pseudo Goth shit is only fooling the ten people in Hollywood who still think its’ cool and three of them are involved in this video. The rest of us have moved on. We know Marilyn Manson is Brian from Ohio. Nobody gives a shit. This isn’t Berlin pre-Internet. Pull your heads out of your asses.
By Lex November 19, 2014 @ 11:46 AM
Biting an opponent’s dick historically does not pan out well in any conflict setting. CNN Anchor Don Lemon awkwardly and weirdly asked Cosby’s 1969 alleged rape victim why after Cosby moved off her vag and onto her mouth she didn’t just chomp on his cock to make him stop.
You — you know, there are ways not to perform oral sex if you didn’t want to do it.
Thanks, Don Lemon. You just got a bunch of women killed. What do you think a violent felon does after a member of the opposite sex who vexes his very evil soul bloodies his dick? In a Tom and Jerry cartoon I guess he covers his groin and screeches and shows up in the next frame with an unduly large Band-Aid over his privates. In real life, he beats the living crap out of you until you stop moving. Once you’re in a guy’s hotel room and he’s drugged you and he’s laying on top of you with his dick in your mouth, the good options are pretty much off the table.
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:07 AM
Every five to ten years, Bono and Gay Beethoven and Bob Geldof and whoever’s hot in the British pop music scene spend another few hours re-recording the exact same fucking song to cure the latest African hardship. It started thirty years ago with Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas?, an ensemble recording designed to heal Ethiopia of being one super crappy place to live. Fifty million radio plays later, Ethiopia is still a shit hole. For Band Aid 30, it’s Ebola. The boys from One Direction are determined to snuff it out. They changed ‘feed the world’ to ‘heal the world’ which is short for can somebody please fucking buy the Congo some indoor plumbing already. If Ebola was feeling perhaps a bit over-confident what with Obama offering it red carpet welcomes in the U.S, and the fact that half of Sierra Leone still sees diarrhea as a potable liquid, this new Band-Aid recording ought to send shivers down its viral spine. You’re done, Ebola. This song cured famine in sub-Saharan Sudan, turned Haiti into a thriving economic juggernaut, and it’s going to flush Ebola right down Santa’s crapper.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 14, 2014 @ 2:03 PM
Any man who rapes a woman deserves a bullet to the back of the head. Rape, date rape, forcing yourself on an eager beaver teen actress who agrees to hang out in your hotel room to learn the craft. Still wrong. As a general rule, if you have to drug a girl, just assume you’re doing something that deserves that bullet.
Barbara Bowman claims she was drugged and raped by Bill Cosby back in the 1980′s when he pretended to be her mentor, you know like successful guys in their 40′s do with attractive teenaged models and actresses. Whether or not she knew going by herself to man’s hotel room late night was a bad idea is relatively moot. Even the shockingly naive don’t deserve a Jell-O pudding pop forced up their hiney.
Barbara Bowman wants to know why nobody ever took her claims seriously, while now thirty years later everybody is finally labeling Cosby a rapist only after a Philly standup made Cosby is a rapist jokes onstage:
Only after a man, Hannibal Buress, called Bill Cosby a rapist in a comedy act last month did the public outcry begin in earnest.
She put ‘man’ in italics. That seemed like an unnecessary feminist reflex. Had other alleged victim Andrea Constand gone through with her accusations of roofie rape by Cosby back in 2004, you can bet it would have been a monster media story. Nancy Grace would’ve shit her pants and left it sitting there throughout the trial. But Constand took a suitcase full of cash and and a non-disclosure agreement instead so everything quieted down
I don’t doubt that especially thirty years ago it was difficult for a teen girl to get people to believe the beloved Dr. Huxtable raped her. Even more incredulous than the pastor dad from 7th Heaven made me touch his willy. But if I’m passing out unsolicited advice, take to heart the fact this predatory piece of shit is finally getting what’s due. It’s not what should’ve happened three decades ago, but not everybody gets to live to see justice served in any manner. That goes for man and woman.
By Matt November 14, 2014 @ 8:39 AM
Fergie opened up about that time she pissed all over herself onstage, either to generate promotion for her new album or because she was wasted and about to pee on herself again. There’s not really much to the story according to Fergie, she just really had to piss and didn’t have time before the show. Muscle relaxers or vaginal trauma were not involved:
“I’m running on and we jump and do Let’s Get It Started, and I get crazy and I jump and I run across the stage and my adrenaline was going and gosh… I wish it didn’t happen…It was so embarrassing!”
It would have been embarrassing in the car driving to Vegas with your girlfriends for a bachelorette party. Doing it to a packed house just means you’re mistaking your purpose in life. Let will.i.am sing the hook and take a leak on some cables backstage. With any luck you’ll short out the system and people will have the pleasure of listening to Prince on the PA while your band reflects on why they were forced by their label to make you a member.
By Matt November 13, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
Joy Regullano has a web series called White Fetish in which she attempts to explain the horrific plight of being a young Asian woman in America. Other than having above average income levels, above average education levels, and no longer needing to eat the draft horse during the cold winter starvation cycle like grandma did, it’s tough being Asian in the States. According to Joy’s complete lack of irony, all white people generalize all Asian people. White people see Asians as weird aliens even though most of us have known them since childhood and met several more at the college where they represented an overwhelming majority of the students who gave a shit about going to class. Generalizing is okay if you’re a reasonably cute Asian chick. It’s less okay that being Asian is the most interesting thing about you. If you hate this place so much, why don’t you go back to China? Vietnam? Macao? Malaysiana…sapporo?
By Lex November 12, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
There’s now a cottage industry around girls with large racks walking the urban landscape with hidden cameras for the purpose of showing the world what the world already knows. Some percentage of dudes are skeevy predators. You don’t say? I can’t even tell if this video is completely staged or only mildly staged and biased in the editing, but apparently drinking to excess out of a brown paper bag in a short sundress on a street known to be littered with petty thieves and miscreants is a bad idea. So, ladies, if that was your plan for today, please, watch this video before it’s too late.
I’m not clear on the exact purpose of these lesser tier feminist YouTube forays. Short of castration and imprisonment, you can’t really stop rapey dudes from being rapey and the courts tend to frown upon harsh punishments for people simply because they’re creepy. I suppose it’s for everybody to gasp and add their sycophantic I’m anti-rape too declarations. The net effect is to make most men hate feminists for lumping them into some all-male predator status that the vast majority simply don’t deserve. As a white male, I’ve always been immune to stereotyping and prejudice and I’d like to keep it that way.
Wonderful, you found (or hired) four dudes on Hollywood Blvd. trying to convince a hot drunk girl to come back to their place. I could go down to Hollywood Blvd. right now and unmask four costumed superheroes with actual felony convictions. I win. I guess.
By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 7:23 AM
The City of Fort Lauderdale has arrested a 90 year old World War II vet named Arnold Abbott twice in the past two days because he feeds homeless people, a charitable act he has been doing for over twenty years. The city’s mayor Jack Sieler has defended the arrests because he is a bad guy from a shitty Bruce Willis movie:
“Mr. Abbott has decided that he doesn’t think these individuals should have to have any interaction with government, that they should be fed in the parks. We disagree.”
Since when is everyone supposed to be fed through the government? Government exists as a safety net for those in need. In this case nobody needs it. Arnold’s got it covered. The food looks piping hot pretty fucking spectacular. Explain where you come into the equation, Mayor Jack? Student Council nimrods really never go away, their dicks just get smaller and their rule books thicker.
By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 10:48 AM
Here’s something to think about before you arrest a famous person for ordering a hit, make sure you have decent evidence. It’s like accusing somebody of ethnic cleansing or watching The View, it’s not the kind of thing you can just take back. One day after booking AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd on murder for hire charges, New Zealand authorities dropped the charges. Rudd is still in trouble for tripping on meth and screaming about killing people, but now that they fucked up the big charge, expect to see Rudd receive a slap on the wrist in exchange not suing the last living sheep out of the New Zealand government. I’m just glad Bon Scott had the foresight to choke on his own vomit before witnessing this legal travesty.
By Matt November 07, 2014 @ 9:11 AM
Two guys in Brooklyn got their hands on a drone and filmed a porno featuring solely drone footage of people fucking. Luckily they weren’t creeping on real people but hired actors although it looks real enough to freak you out and masturbate to. The filmmakers have some grand artistic vision about what they are doing:
“We wanted to explore the whole idea of drone privacy and strikes—this idea of ‘make porn, not war.’ It started as a kind of funny commentary on privacy and voyeurism, but it quickly became a conceptual grounding.”
It started because you had a drone and found a way to shoot a porno without being demonized by your film school buddies and their spiritual partners. The film does play on our biggest concern with drones. Blowing up schools and hospitals is one thing, but deep down we’re really just concerned about someone filming our rooftop gender non-specific orgies and posting them to YouPorn. It hasn’t happened just yet, but these guys are pointing a ton of basement dwelling perverts and Pentagon interns in the right direction. Get on this before you leave office, Obama. You can track my movements, read my emails, and monitor my phone calls, but leave my popular fucking venues alone and we’ll call it even.
By Matt November 06, 2014 @ 8:00 AM
Discovery Channel is set to air a special called Eaten Alive where host Paul Rosolie is actually swallowed whole by an anaconda while wearing a special suit he made to survive the ordeal. Rosolie is one of those naturalist conservation dudes who love and respect nature yet decide to pull ridiculous stunts and prank the animal kingdom for television entertainment purposes. No word on whether having a dipshit in an Ironman suit passing through their rectum is good for anacondas, but I’d guess not.
What’s for sure is Rosolie gets laid whenever he visits a bar and tells stories. Maybe not this one since it’s fucking gross and inhumane, but definitely that time he drove a bonobo around in a Go Cart to draw attention to their dwindling numbers before he was involved in a head on collision and the little guy perished at which point he wept for the state of the planet.
By Matt November 06, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Multi millionaire pharmaceutical exec Gigi Jordan was convicted of the lesser charge of manslaughter for killing her son and will probably only serve five years in prison, even though she admitted to poisoning his food. Jordan was found babbling incoherently next to the lifeless body of her severely autistic son with an empty bottle of vodka and over 5,000 pills strewn about which is a standard last supper for Pfizer senior management. She claimed she had to poison the kid because the child’s biological father and members of a Satanic Cult were coming to kill her and take the child into a life of Beelzebub. Instead of taking legal action, Jordan figured the logical approach was to Blue Lagoon her kid to death in a $2,300 dollar a night hotel room. Her legal defense in a nutshell was that she was emotionally overwrought and in fear of her life and that of her child:
“She did this because she loved him so much she couldn’t bare the thought of him living without her or him being subjected to the life she’d tried to rescue him from.”
It’s so refreshing to find a woman who doesn’t let her busy career get in the way of the unnecessary mercy killing of her child.
Here’s a tip if you’re ever on a high profile jury, listen to the facts instead of the handsome high priced lawyer. If someone admits to force feeding their autistic kid poison, that’s probably murder. You can write your shitty book either way so why not try and get it right instead of passing a verdict which makes homeless people call you stupid whilst staring at a TV through a RadioShack storefront.
By Matt November 05, 2014 @ 7:09 AM
Rob Lowe’s half funny DirecTV commercials are under fire by a group called the International Paruresis Association because one of them shows his character too bashful to piss in a public latrine. Paruresis means ‘Shy Bladder’ in Latin or ‘Embarrassingly Small Dick’ in every other language. Steve Soifer, the CEO of the IPA and biannual Yellowstone tourist thinks we should exercise some caution on the subject:
“It’s a situation that a lot of people don’t understand. In this particular case, the portrayal is making it look ridiculous, that this guy is a loser for having a problem. What if he didn’t have a leg or an arm, are you going to make fun of them?”
I wouldn’t think you’re a loser because it takes you a minute to get it flowing with a drunk lumberjack standing over your shoulder at Safeco. Tight quarters with fifty dudes with their dicks out squirting into a basin should make any man’s reproductive organs take pause. So you can’t piss in group settings. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Using your real name and declaring yourself CEO of Shy Bladder sufferers, that’s another matter.
By Matt November 05, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
The Brooklyn Nets Russian oil tycoon billionaire owner still isn’t happy about last season when rookie coach Jason Kidd led the highest paid team in the NBA on a season long shame spiral. Prokhorov spoke of Kidd’s decision to flee the big city for Milwaukee like dozens of other former Brooklyn dwellers who will lecture anyone who will listen about property value and are bored with their lives:
“You know, I think there is a nice proverb in English. Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you.”
It’s really a good burn with the benefit of the Bond Villain accent. Kidd pretended to take the high road in order to avoid talking about his fuck ups:
“I’m no longer in Brooklyn. Unfortunately they keep talking about it. I don’t.”
That’s because you made an ass of yourself pretending to spill soda on the court and stood around looking like a dick all the time. Of course people are still talking about it. If you had been fired for humping German Shepherds in the locker room people would be talking about it. Sometimes life unfairly deals you a shit sandwich and other times you get on the bread and start taking a dump. It’s on you, Kidd. You sucked. Even the evil Russkie knows it.