By Lex October 23, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow wants everyone to know she can turn the world on with just one smile. Six months or so ago, she just wanted to let everyone know she could kill you with just one phone call. How one unconscious coupling can change even the most pretentious woman. Especially when the media is saturated solely with news of Gay Beethoven and his semi-erect shtupping of Jennifer Lawrence. The Wicked Witch doesn’t mind being called wicked, she just can’t abide not being talked about at all.
Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere. She’s gushing on talk shows, penning Obama fantasy fiction, and showing off her more human side she had a team of market researchers outline for her on Powerpoint. Gwyneth even let someone film her doing group aerobics while laughing like a schoolgirl on camera. Where is our mega-bitch and what have you done with her?
When the holidays come around, expect to see Gwyneth ‘caught’ on camera ladling out soup at the homeless shelters and helping random parents afford organic moisturizing hand lotion for their children. Operation Make Gwyneth Slightly Less Hated, engage!
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt October 23, 2014 @ 6:28 AM
Some anonymous old guy beat the shit out of some dude in a sparring match. This isn’t a good situation if you’re an up and coming pretty boy on your first cycle of creatine trying to impress the bros at the gym. Either plaster some geezer’s face or get your ass handed to you and slink off in disgrace. This old guy is trying to take someone’s head off, in a fucking sparring match. If anyone not on a pension did this they’d be jumped by the entire gang and told never to return. Then some guy would throw a Molotov Cocktail through your window a few days later for good measure.
Old guys know they can get away with anything. If you feel like kicking some unsuspecting good sport’s ass for the cheap thrill, go for it. Whatever gets you through the day. Those sweet memories of mixing it up on the boulevard and pulling off Maggie O’Mally’s knickers to reveal that sweet bajingo will come rushing back. Stop at the Drive In and peel out without paying for your shake. You do you old man.
By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 6:32 AM
Carmen Electra appeared on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now?” and talked about her marriage to Dennis Rodman and some other shit that even Oprah couldn’t pretend to care about any more. Getting screen time is a bitch these days, so why not dredge up some old gossip for a younger generation of unemployed single parents and stay at home chardonnay drinking divorcees who can still locate Oprah on their Magnavox floor units.
“Our relationship was very passionate. When it was good, it was amazing. And when it was bad, it was the worst.”
Often times gigantic cross-dressing manic depressive alcoholics are a bit volatile. Few people needed this update, but the subject matter is neither here nor there. Electra wants you to know she is still a hot piece of ass and is available for acting in the role of escort or real escort work if the price is right. Naturally, Oprah gets a taste. If this were charity, she’d build another rape school in Africa.
By Matt October 20, 2014 @ 6:03 AM
If you’ve seen the fall season’s latest shit box called Laughs on Fox you should really get out more. Rat faced joke poacher and probable jaundice victim Steve Hofstetter produces the show, which means some shit for brains executive he went to college with owes him a favor. The show tours the country looking for up and coming comedians and graces them with the opportunity to have their act shown on air. The problem is the performers don’t get paid. You don’t have to pay people who aren’t in the Screen Actors Guild when they appear on TV, just like you don’t have to offer your buddy a six pack when he fixes your chimney flue. It’s in good taste, but not legally required. Hofstetter is spinning his tight wad policy into an act of benevolence:
“If we were a union show, we couldn’t break new comedians. Imagine telling a young comedian that he or she gets to be on TV for the first time, but has to spend $3,000 to join a union in order to do so?”
It sure would suck to get paid $10K then have to pay $3K to the union. This must be that Common Core Math that Al Qaeda tricked our U.S. government into promoting so we’ll be too dumb to invent missiles in one generation’s time. I hope Hofstetter gets class action sued by a bevy of desperate joke tellers and he has to forfeit his Sebring convertible. Stand up comedians may be the bukkake level basement whores they bring out for the ten dollar Johnnies on tour through Bangkok, but, ten dollars is ten dollars. Even a Thai sex slave wouldn’t be expected to work for promotional consideration only.
Edited to Add: Steve Hofstetter wrote in response to the post above:
“Your piece uses an old blog as your one source. We do pay our artists. We even pay people who’s tweets and vines we feature. All of em. Here’s the real story (facebook link).”
By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 6:25 AM
After a series of frightening clowns started appearing all over rural Wasco California in the evening hours, local chatter surfaced they were carrying guns and murdering people. Formerly respected news outlets like ABC picked this shit up and ran with it because they are lazy hacks looking for ratings, like me, but they should know better since they went to college. It turns out there are no serial murdering clowns. Too good to be true. It’s just some stupid fucking amateur photography project. That string of words would draw a shrug if they were pictures of Hoffa’s corpse or Jennifer Lawrence’s clitoris with a little clown hat on it. John Wayne Gacy really trashed the medium for all the children and aspiring child molesters out there. This clown and his hipster photographer wife will most likely be killed wandering the gang infested streets of Wasco late at night by cholos who think he is The Legend of Quetzalcoatl or just some cracker asshole they feel like pummeling to death for wearing the wrong clown colors. I hope they take pictures.
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 7:54 AM
Sara X is a self described weirdo and tattoo model, as if we couldn’t fill in the details. This video is a viral hit. There’s not any actual talent involved, although her upper pectoral strength is enough to lift those two trash bags with surprising ease. She doesn’t make any qualms about having implants. You have to wonder if this is the type of thing you picture on the operating table and quietly slide out of the plastic surgeon’s pre op with dignity in tow. Sara does not take herself seriously, so I don’t feel bad for her like the chicks who cry at the AVN Awards for winning Best DP. She could definitely parlay this into an upcoming Gong Show appearance at any given Vegas area strip club. More power to her. Make that money, those things aren’t going to last forever. Shit, actually they are.
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Shia LaBeouf went on Jimmy Kimmel and discussed his twenty-four hour stint in solitary confinement for being a raging drunken asshole.
“I get to the station and I quickly realize, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not made for this set up…So I’m like, ‘You gotta do something. You gotta do something, man. You’re gonna die in here.’ So I turn into Tupac and now I’m ripping my shirt off and doing push-ups like, ‘Don’t mess with me dawg.’ And the guy’s like, ‘What are you in here for?’And I’m like, ‘Cabaret.’”
It’s hard to tell if he’s looking at this with a sense of humor or is an insane delusional person who thinks he is a an urban survivalist and that Brad Pitt will bunk with him after Fury comes out.
I have some sympathy for Shia. Sometimes when you hit on your buddy’s girlfriend at the Christmas party you have to own up to your behavior and issue a heartfelt apology. The problem is this runs the risk of reminding people exactly what you did. The cockier bunch simply pretend it never happened, or when you bring up how they punched you in the dick they laugh as if you and everyone else was doing it with them. This is Shia’s strategy. Who needs to beat themselves up when you’re already hungover and feel like shit? Nobody likes a downer. We like people who make shit happen, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.
By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Ellen DeGeneres committed the ultimate social faux pas by asking Jennifer Garner if she was pregnant, the answer was no. Of course, this is all staged and producers before the show have walked Ellen and Jennifer through this mock revelation so that the exchange appears to be off the cuff. Those mad fucking geniuses. The stage was now set for Garner to excitedly share with everyone she will rock a slight gut from now on:
“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”
I’ve always felt once you turn sixty its time to start doing heroin and binge eat yourself to death, though I guess you couldn’t really do both. But Garner isn’t there yet. If you feel like you’re a bit stretched out, why not hit the gym instead of soliciting affirmation from a studio audience blindly applauding a lady dressed like a sitcom dad? Maybe you can’t fix the entire ‘bump’ without surgery, but I bet some stomach crunches and Pilates will make it less bumpy. Accepting yourself is great, but accepting yourself as damaged goods probably isn’t super healthy once the lights at the Ellen Show dim. At this rate Garner will pass away of old age peacefully surrounded by loved ones sometime in December.
By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 8:38 AM
Hatsune Miku made her American debut on Letterman. Miku is a cartoon mascot for a software company which allows users to produce tracks to be sung in her tinny annoying jailbait voice. Even if the music becomes a hit, the Artist is Hatsune Miku who again is not real. She is projected onstage by mirrors like Cher, who has been dead for several decades. She has also been opening for Lady Gaga and doing an equally stellar job of lip synching and wearing stupid shit.
Given Japan’s obsession with anime and synthetic pussy, several Miku songs are big hits. The GEICO Gecko would have a few number ones in the states if throngs of struggling musicians started giving their music to his likeness. Of course, that would be seen as culturally perverse, yet an army of adults rocking out to a 16 year old cartoon chick is just goofy fun when Japanese white cotton panties clutching culture gets in the mix.
I know this is somehow wrong but I can’t explain why. Like cronuts and the entire 1970′s. Maybe it’s that people would rather watch a shitty cartoon than an actual band. Maybe it’s because this is the first pop star than can be legally raped and killed in perpetuity by forty year old dudes in their basement. There is a slippery slope, although I think we fell down it when Letterman’s producers booked a fucking teenaged cartoon.
By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Sarah Silverman appeared in a flat video on behalf of the National Women’s Law Center whose goal is to attain equal pay for women while wearing unisex suits. All of Silverman’s comedy is based on the fact that she’s a relatively hot Jewish chick with a potty mouth. Like Chelsea Handler, but Sarah stops at banging black dudes to get ahead.
In the video Silverman picks out a dick to wear, because having a dick makes you earn more money than women as long as you work more hours, stay with the same job longer, take less vacation time, and promise to die young. The National Women’s Law Center is calling for donations of $30 trillion dollars so that every woman in America can be given $435,000 dollars which is what they calculated she will lose unfairly in her lifetime while they were high on Fen Phen. The NWLC is officially ballsier and funnier than their latest spokeswoman. Correction, spokesperson.
I feel the same way on this issue as I do on African-American reparations. I’ve never enslaved anybody or provided support or aid to known enslavers so I don’t feel personally responsible. I also earn so little that it would be statistically impossible for a woman to earn 78% of what I do for the same job. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to Sarah Silverman sketches. I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve this.
By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 6:19 AM
Organizers of a Spanish porn convention produced a shoddy black and white video where they invited random people to touch porn stars. This was a poor attempt at capitalizing on the viral success of that gross kissing video which made the rounds among your mom’s friends and grad school male feminists. The premise is explained poorly in the opening seconds:
“The following video is a real sociological experiment. None of the “victims” are actors, nor do they know what will happen.”
Then some random people, who have to be referred to as ‘Not Victims’ in reference to a probable lawsuit, are surprised by porn people and invited to touch them. All of these randoms are intimately familiar with the porn work of these people, recognizing them instinctively as if they are Barbara Streisand dressed in Oscar attire and not a bunch of sixes your mind shuts out after you jizz on a Bounty. What follows is that awkward shit that happens between two strangers in porn before they fuck, but nobody fucks. It’s a miracle nobody was raped on a technicality. It’s quite revolting, yet represents a new high point for the Spanish porn industry, which has just switched from lambskin to latex.
By Matt October 06, 2014 @ 7:08 AM
Daniel Ayala has a good heart. He gave one of those straggly looking woman in the middle of the street a few bucks on his way to work everyday because she held a sign saying “78 Year Old Widow Needs Money For Food.” He even gave her his lunch money, because that’s fucking Daniel Ayala for you. Then he caught the two-faced old bag getting into a 2013 Fiat and in an instant he lost all faith in humanity. Ayala verbally bashed the crooked old lady in a Sam Jackson worthy display of righteous indignation. Ayala told the lady he would bust her windows if he saw the car around again.
If only Ayala would have parsed her beggar’s board. The sign never said she didn’t have a car or was even homeless, just that her husband was dead and she needed money for food. Its all relative. If you spend all your money on Bombay Sapphire and shiny red domestic compacts, you might indeed need money for Kobe beef to cook on your sick range top. Ben Affleck could stand outside with a sign and someone would give him a few bucks because they liked Armageddon. It doesn’t make him homeless, but he should stop doing that. The moral is you can’t trust anybody, not even shriveled old hungry widows. Also, if someone you help out in times of need surpasses you in bettering their life, definitely threaten to beat the shit out of them.
By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 9:59 AM
Anthony Wunder, the idiot who ran out onto the field during the Ohio State last week only to be body slammed by a strength and conditioning coach has lost his scholarship and is being charged with misdemeanor criminal trespassing. As a general rule, when a bunch of your drunk buddies are chanting for you to do something, resist. They are not your real friends. As a senior, it’s kind of sad Wunder still has to resort to such desperate freshman tactics to feel accepted.
Wunder was on the Evans Scholars program, which covers housing and tuition for former golf caddies who enrolled in the program. Typically the golfing world frowns on excessive displays of showmanship and really any for of self expression whatsoever besides wearing really gay pants and pretending you’re a real athlete. I wish Wunder the best. With any self reflection he will be the third coolest intern at his engineering firm after college.
By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
Nostalgic nerds were pissed the Season 26 premiere of The Simpsons did not live up to meager expectations. Promos had a major bomb shell to be dropped in that one of the show’s characters was going to die. This flew in the face of public perception that all the characters and the entire show were already dead. Twitter nerds flipped out when the character turned out to be Krusty the Clown’s dad, who you probably don’t remember from the show when you used to watch it while doing your math homework before you had hair on your balls. Diehard fans were apparently hoping one of the show’s main characters would be killed off, because that’s what you want on a show you have an unhealthy obsession with if you are kind of a psycho. Typical reactions were pretty much unanimously short and to the point:
“The new Simpsons episode was a major disappointment. Krusty’s dad! Really? Overhyped is an understatement…”
It seems highly possible The Simpsons is running out of gimmicks. Once you’re on your way out it’s typical to kick back, throw some shit at the wall, and see what sticks. Especially when your writers’ room is heated by a bonfire of hundred dollar bills. Its a sad thing to see another childhood staple slowly run out of steam along with the two Cory’s and all the dead wrestlers you used to love. A few billion dollars and you hit a creative Berlin Wall around your 9,000th episode. They had a very good run. RIP.
By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Reese Witherspoon shot a segment for Vogue in which she answers 73 pre-screened questions in the most irritating, faux on-the-spot cadence you have ever heard. The segment is staged to look natural, fails miserably, and serves the basic purpose of allowing Witherspoon to show off her house which has been carefully set dressed to look like a real estate spread devoid of authenticity or contain human emotions. Deperately attempting to be a cute and bouncy teen on her second marriage in her 30s, she hams it up saying she’d love to dine with all the female U.S. Senators (dream dinner!), her rap name would be “Little Spoon”, and some other trite pre written schlock. The series is part of the new Vogue Channel, which you can subscribe to if you ever want to feel the overwhelming urge to kidney punch actresses you previously thought were cool. If you ever thought Witherspoon suffers occasional moments of self doubt, think again. If you still aren’t sure she will spit shine her Oscar and rub it in your face, which she does fruitfully and without irony in this very poor publicity choice which will likely see her PR rep fired immediately.
If you want to see Reese Witherspoon unscripted, I’d recommend this little bit of vérité, which is French for being wasted and swearing:
By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
Nobody should ever be cursed with the free time to follow the insipid ceremonial antics of politicians. That means you’ve got time to watch The View and count calories and knit shit for your small BBW sister who found a foreigner to knock her up. Last February New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped Chuck, the groundhog from the Staten Island zoo, during one of those inane Groundhog’s Day day events. I can’t blame the rodent for not wanting to be part of some tired tradition of lifting its ass out of a fake stump each February 2nd and declaring the city will fuck up snow removal for six more weeks. Unbeknownst to the world at large and wide-eyed innocent children, this groundhog died a week later from ‘internal injuries’. Zoo officials immediately did what all government employees do when something goes wrong, they initiated an ill-conceived coverup. Excuses were invented, secret oaths were taken, and a small number of loose lipped zoo keepers were taken out to a landfill in Jersey to go visit Chuck in groundhog heaven.
When the New York Post informed the Mayor’s office this week of the groundhog’s death, the staff responded by saying they were never told the groundhog died, they’re very sorry it happened but, c’mon, it’s just a fucking rodent, and, yes, once again, we acknowledge that the Mayor’s wife is a lesbian. That last part has just become de facto. No harm no foul I guess, unless you’re the unfortunate zoo animal who bled out slowly and painfully to death because of some annual political stunt. I only wish we had a radical animal rights protection group to get naked and throw blood on the mayor or something. C’mon, Pam Anderson. It’s righteous titties time.
By Matt September 23, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
Alaska news reporter Charlo Greene dropped an F bomb during her live on-air resignation. Besides her reporting gig, Greene owns a medical marijuana shop called The Alaska Cannabis Club, which she routinely threw into her suspiciously slanted reporting of Alaska’s upcoming legalized marijuana vote. Since many businesses in Alaska lack oversight, toilets, or drinking water, Greene was able to covertly promote her pot shack on air for a solid four months before anyone stopped staring at her tits to address the issue. Embedding her business into her frantic coverage of the marijuana trade is savvy, although not disclosing it is illegal and punishable by impotent Congressional grumblings.
Greene probably has her bases covered, as evidenced by her calculated stunt sparking national media coverage. She has basically turned a lame nightly news show into a commercial for smoking blunts in an outdoor hot tub under the northern lights preferably while sucking on her chocolate love melons. If she can withstand prosecution and feigned outrage from Sarah Palin, I will definitely make the trip to the tundra to spark one with this chick before she makes the entire Northern Hemisphere her hot boxed Caliphate.
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 1:02 PM
The Booty music video breaks new ground by doing nothing other than showing Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea twerking their oiled down asses while some auto-tuned sound maker repeats the word booty. It’s actually kind of genius. Pretending pop stars can sing has always been a major boner kill. It’s like pretending your CES hooker cares about your new streaming music player. Enjoying these pop stars more simply as ass-fat injected sex objects designed almost entirely for smoking cigarettes seductively and fucking, that’s so much simpler. Booty eliminates any obligation to shake your head to the music, pretend you know any words, or ignore the fact that Jennifer Lopez is tone deaf. It’s just a little ditty about using your big shitter to please your man. I see this is as progress. When Lopez and Azalea complete the Booty trilogy with Spank and Finger Rape, this entire opus will come fully into perspective.
By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Miley Cyrus celebrated Mexican Independence Day by having her ass repeatedly slapped with a Mexican flag, while in Mexico. As Miley was bending over and twerking with her drop dead hilarious oversized fake ass, one of her token locally hired day laborer male backup dancers whipped her ass with the symbol of Mexico’s national pride, such as it is. Now Mexican lawmakers are threatening to fine her $1,200 dollars or have her detained for 36 hours because they don’t understand currency exchange.
Unlike your average Mexican citizen, American pop stars will gladly produce ten years of your salary in order to avoid disappearing under your custody. No word on the guy doing the whipping, but the overwhelming odds are he lacks cash or even basic toiletries so extracting money is a lost cause. He’ll probably be put in irons and forced to work the Ensenada parasailing booths. I don’t see how Cyrus can go lower in her repeated failed attempts at provoking reaction. Maybe shitting on Ground Zero or face humping the Lincoln Memorial would garner a few headlines. It’s not really punk if your Beverly Hills media firms plans it out on paper first. But it is pretty fucking lucrative.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 1:29 PM
Meredith Vieira is the latest public figure to use the Janay Rice punch to the kisser as a jumping off point for her own tale of sticking with an abusive man. Meredith got grabbed roughly and called names and scalded in the shower as a younger woman experiencing bad love. She chose to stay because she was scared and guilty. Also, somewhat presciently, she knew the experience might come in handy as a sweeps week teaser on her afternoon talk show decades later.
This whole victim as hero is the pendulum swing response to victim as ‘dumb bitch’ crude meme that went around about Janay Rice for signing up for a lifetime of happiness with the dude who dragged her hair first out of an elevator. I don’t see it either way. I understand why some women stick out abusive relationships. Who knows which of us wouldn’t do the same in a different situation. Fuck, I’ve stuck it out with horrible women before for dumber reasons. But heroic? No, just stupid. We’re all stupid. There’s no shame.
By Lex September 11, 2014 @ 1:08 PM
I’m pretty sure I heard about this before and just put it out of my mind. But now I can’t get Take It to the Hub out of my head. The new Coolio mega-hit with over 3,000 listens couldn’t possibly be more cravenly sponsored by Porn Hub. Apparently, somebody in marketing decided men need musical encouragement to look for porn online.
I saw her pussy and her titties [something inaudible that rhymes with last week]
It kept a smile on my face since last week.
That’s actually more profound than Taylor Swift’s new song. Though I wonder if your 2:45 online video time wouldn’t be better just watching Vanessa Del Rio triple penetrated on PornHub rather than hearing Coolio sing a song about it. After the girl’s father and maybe your childhood priest, Coolio seems like the last guy you want in the room during sex.
By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 12:45 PM
I’m not a licensed detective, but that doesn’t stop me from solving hard to solve cases on my own time. Like an Equalizer meets Encyclopedia Brown meets somebody who’s pale and has trouble with several flights of stairs at once. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears boyfriend got set up in his ‘cheating’ on Britney Spears breakup offense. How is it that a relatively nondescript paralegal gets to making out with a seasoned porn star in a suburban L.A. bar as somebody is shooting a video of the two that will ultimately be sold to Britney Spears’ dad to keep it off the market? You see how my steel trap of a mind works?
Pretty much any time porn star anything is involved in a story, you know some shitty plot is afoot. Porn stars like Cali Lee only do things for money or drugs or occasionally to help other sick porn stars dying from The AIDS. Even then they go to those fundraisers just to get more drugs. As my grandpa Dan used to say, if you see vultures, something’s dead.
By Lex August 29, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
Britney Spears’ boyfriend David Lucado was caught on tape dancing and making out with a woman who was somebody else’s chubby girlfriend. The Britney Spears conservancy, also known as Britney’s dad’s rent money, is spinning the story that they reached out to the ‘agency’ holding the tape and bought it from them for safe keeping. This arrangement used to be called extortion, now it’s all done with lawyers and contracts and paid leaks to TMZ. Before daddy secreted the video in a remote cavern in Costa Rica, he made Britney watch it while he stood in the background with a sinister smile and twirled his mustache. One less claimant on his daughter’s money to worry about. Britney immediately contacted Lucado and told them their year long relationship was over. Poor fuck, he was probably set up.
As always, Britney turned to her three million fans on Instagram to let them know she was having a bad day. The onslaught of heart shaped emoticons and inspirational Pablum lifted Britney’s spirit. Britney’s been thrown off this horse before. She’ll rebound after a month of Nilla wafers and trying to remember where she left her kids.
By Matt August 29, 2014 @ 7:14 AM
A few years ago Rob Ford was volunteering as assistant coach for a high school football team and according to newly released documents he abused the shit out of them. Another coach testified that Ford would show up hammered and scream and yell at the kids like that drunk uncle you mock until he hits you with a shovel. For all his lovable loser antics, if Ford really “made the players roll in goose scat” I have to wash my hands of him. Surely when you are wasted and high to the gills on a daily basis you’re going to do some misguided shit, but rolling kids in feces crosses the line. I was more than fine with him grabbing secretarial ass, falling down like a funny fat man, and bragging about eating pussy. His extraordinarily common behavior should have served as an inspiration to politicians across the land. Like most things in life it may have been too good to be true. Ford wasn’t just a walking Chris Farley sketch, he was a mean drunk who probably scarred a bunch of kids who are already being punished by playing football in Canada. I’m still going to laugh when Ford tumbles down his next flight of stairs, I’m just going to be rooting for a vertebrae snap this time.