When Matt and I set out to do a podcast because absolutely nobody asked, we figured we’d do two or three before a kindly janitor walked into the room and told us we had to go do something more important with our lives. It never happened. I know grown men who are proud of their big shits. I’d like to think we’re somewhere between that and real achievement.
This week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast features a discussion of the Ashley Madison judgmental crowd, the Bieber lookalike who everybody watched slowly die, and something to do with Terence Howard going into TV purgatory. It’s all there if only you believe.
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If a grown man spends fifty bucks for a blowjob, he gets arrested. If he spends a hundred thousand dollars on disfiguring plastic surgery, he gets a reality show. Tobias Strebel’s circle of friends watched grinning as he turned himself into mentally disturbed imitation of the world’s most disliked teen lesbian singer. That’s so Tobias. Now he’s 35 and found dead with drugs in a Valley motel room. The police are claiming his runaway binge may have been triggered by the breakup with his boyfriend. Nobody is suggesting that he was in massive need of a rubber room rather than a TLC and E! contract and doctors looking the other way for cash payments. At some point we made boxers wear gloves so they could live a few years past their last fight. We pretend to be humane to our freaks and gladiators. Nobody pretended with Tobias Strebel. Meh, my heart is too big for this world.
Swedish model Agnes Hedengard took to YouTube to complain about the fact the modeling industry won’t hire her because they say her hips and ass are too big for fashion. An open letter to prospective employers about what loser assholes they are is almost certainly going to get you more bookings. On the face of it, I mean, staring at her ass, it seems absurd that Hedengard is considered too wide to model. She’s properly starved herself down to a 17.5% BMI which usually qualifies. Which likely means the hips and ass thing is just an excuse the agencies are giving her because they don’t want her for other reasons.
She’s nineteen, she might be too old. She still believes you have to look into an iPhone to make it take pictures. And, she’s Swedish and those accents aren’t trending big like Czech and Namibian. I wanted to be a major league baseball player but everybody told me I couldn’t hit a breaking ball or field all that well. I didn’t whine about it. I drank and had meaningless sex with a number of unattractive partners. Agnes, if you go that direction, look me up. I will make you hate yourself for so many other reasons than not being fat.
We didn’t need another example of the fact Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters are pretty fucking cool for old guys. Let’s just say your girl would definitely bang him. You’d have to watch. The guys were in Kansas City, a stronghold of the deranged cult known as the Westboro Baptist Church which is convinced God is killing soldiers to get back at humanity for butt fucking each other and ordering lemons with their beers. The Foo Fighters showed up to their protest in the back of a pick up with a chubby dude wearing speedos and blasted Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up, a popular activity known as Rick Rolling which was actually getting really old until this happened. The cult members more than likely will now begin worshipping Astley as a demigod and become convinced 9/11 was in response to Grohl’s beard. Crazy doesn’t always make sense. I’d step up security.
If you all got a crew, you got to have a fall guy in the crew. If you all have a crew, one of those fools got to know, he’s the one going to jail. We’ll get him out.
In a recent interview Chris Borland prematurely retired of the 49ers mentioned how the comment shocked him when he heard it at the 2014 event. That’s also when the NFL learned the video with Cris Carter’s comments was still sitting live on their website. They responded by quickly punching the video in the face then smothering it to death.
Despite the fact that BJ hooker confessor Warren Sapp is heard amen-ing Cris Carter’s fall guy advice on the tape, isn’t this actually solid advice? It’s one thing to stand up in front of a group that contains at least one-third pure hoodlum destined for arrest and tell them to be good citizens and watch their behavior. That’s never worked. Much more practical to let them know that when the domestic abuse or running drugs or automatic weapons and sexual assault charges occur, let Benny from P.S. 173 know that you’ll hook him up solid for doing your time. Tackles don’t happen by themselves. Sometimes touchdowns do. Listen to Cris Carter. And somebody please shoot the guy with the camera.
The Today Show wanted to cement their obvious kinship with the plight of Black America so they invited a black singer to perform her song honoring the BlackLivesMatter hashtag. As Janelle Monae was winding up and segueing into her police brutality and racial profiling sermon, the Today show switched audio to the pale Australian chick back in the studio so you couldn’t hear the crazy negro ranting. I remember a day when being a politically correct news outlet was pretty simple. Run it by the vegan chick in the art department and see if she gets hives. Now the national media are wrapping rings of ambiguity around their own soft-serve decision making. We want to send mad props out to the victimized black folk, but we can’t really have a black chick getting all Panthers on our national broadcast or we lose Indiana and Arizona. Let’s run a car wash in our next life. #RatingsMatter.
Remember when so-and-so died and then we all wished somebody had recorded his collective wisdom before he vanished? I’m not letting that happen with Kylie Jenner. Don’t believe the glossy tit bunny on parade public persona. This seventeen year old self-educated author and marketing savant is working her deep thoughts on the down low. You have to dive into her late night snapchats to get a true sense of Ayn Rand meets Emily Dickinson meets the escort who fucked Elliot Spitzer then turned in his bad check because whores think poorly. Get your shine on girl. The sperm bucket moniker isn’t a weight, it’s a catapult.
Maitland Ward dressed up as a green Star Trek character to attend Comic Con. It’s odd aliens look exactly like humans except they’re green or wear a headband as their sunglasses or a shoe on their head. While her behavior would not be noteworthy on face value, she also made a video and posted a series of photos where you can see her genitals. I think redheads are probably the devil’s henchmen and should be avoided at all costs but these are pretty hot. Think porn but less assne. Ward did the same thing last year and probably got fucked by a klingon on the changing table of a public bathroom. I’ll never be able to look at Boy Meets World the same way again. Meaning I’ve never watched it and will continue that trend. Nice asshole.
The Wright Brothers didn’t take flight on their first attempt. It took decades from Kitty Hawk flops before bored business travelers were getting loaded and scrumping in the lavatories on the way to O’Hare. Chelsea Handler is committed to staying relevant by posting herself topless to Instagram then having her photos removed for violating no chick nipple policies. Whatever equal rights advocates originally stood behind her, they’ve all since abandoned ship realizing this actually isn’t what Elizabeth Cady Stanton would be doing if she were alive today. Chelsea Handler is in real danger of becoming a topless chick nobody turns to look at. It’s the most heinous of fates.
Florida State quarterback De’Andre Johnson is following in his predecessor Jameis Winston’s footsteps by becoming a violent petty criminal. Johnson punched a chick in the face at a bar. Allegedly. Also there’s a super clear video of it. To be fair she punched him first after he pushed his way past her to the bar, but she’s a pixie dust spreader and he’s an elite athlete. Keyword being was, as Johnson has been suspended from the team indefinitely and is facing misdemeanor battery charges. It’s Florida so nobody’s bothering to question why a kid at nineteen is in a bar acting like Colin Farrell circa 2004.
If we are to ever truly have equality among the sexes it makes sense you should be able to punch someone back when they punch you. However there are some double standards I’m fine with. Maybe a teacher’s aid. Not a future NFL player. I’m not about to start caving in people’s faces in the name of liberation. Also, having a vagina doesn’t let you punch people with impunity. Wait maybe it does. Four more years.
Like most social activists, George Takei runs entirely off moral certainty and blind rage. That goes for both sides squeezing in on the middle who don’t give a fuck and mostly just want to know how Steve Harvey is still working. After the Supreme Court ruling telling redneck states they have to let dudes marry other dudes, Takei called dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas a ‘clown in blackface’ which is kind of a gay way of saying an Uncle Tom. It seems offensive to suggest that a real black man would have to support the Constitutional rights of gay men and women because of their own minority status. It’s also kind of wrong. Both because that’s not how the Supreme Court works and even if it did, black Americans are among the U.S. demographic groups least supportive of legalizing gay marriage. This makes Takei an ass, though he did fake apologize:
I owe an apology. On the eve of this Independence Day, I have a renewed sense of what this country stands for, and how I personally could help achieve it. The promise of equality and freedom is one that all of us have to work for, at all times. I know this as a survivor of the Japanese American internment, which each day drives me only to strive harder to help fulfill that promise for future generations.
Takei went on for several more paragraphs of rationalizations, excuses, and calls for attention to his own plight just to ensure his apology wouldn’t cost him his LGBT Vegas Players Club Card. If he’d just stopped after the first four words, he might’ve had it. It’s not that every civil rights activist is an intolerant self-righteous douchbag, it’s just that most are. You’re not special, Sulu. You’re one of us.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. Women can have it all these days. Money, cock, pussy. the good weed, social media likes. Miley Cyrus just announced she’s bisexual as part of her movement to join every edgy progressive label possible with only upsides and no work. She’s already making out with a Victoria’s Secret model outside her trailer on music video shoots. I don’t know what to say. I’d rather fuck Stella Maxwell than Patrick Schwarzenegger as well. I don’t need to spend any more time in the 24 Hour Fitness Men’s Locker Room to know that I decidedly prefer the sight and smell of women. Miley, we should hang out. Shot for shot on some Old Grand-Dad and hook up with some JuCo chicks who don’t know any better. if we strike out, we could fuck each other. I mention that out of convenience. I’m super angry at my parents too.
I don’t know much about soccer other than it’s super popular in nations with poorly funded rec centers. You need lots of dirt and lots of malnourished kids to run eleven marathons in an effort to score one single fucking goal so everybody can go search for unattended scrap metal. Women’s soccer is the same, only by definition forty-percent less interesting, which places it on par with watching your balls air dry. The only way to truly fail at this sport is by accidentally knocking the ball into your own net. Do not fucking accidentally knock the ball into your own net. There’s an urban legend about a Columbian soccer player who did this in a big match and was shot to death five days later. Only, it’s not urban legend. It happened during the Word Cup in 1994. That’s Andres Escobar below. He dead.
England defender Laura Bassett accidentally booted a ball into a perfect shot on her own goal in the World Cup that gave WWII Imperial Japan the win in stoppage time. Don’t ask me what the fuck stoppage time is, just know you play through it. Everybody’s first thought was, fuck, Bassett just cluster fucked the British Empire. Their followup move was to rush to her defense and pretend she bears no blame. But nobody buys the no blame bullshit when children are weeping in the streets. Somebody has to be strung up. It’s Bassett. She’s fucked. She’d be wise shave her head, pack a duffel with essentials, and flee to poverty-stricken Sri Lanka. Soccer’s big there, naturally.
Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.
I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.
Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.
It only takes a few minutes of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain drug induced bathroom home movies to understand why both of them tried really hard to die, one being more generally successful. If you can get past the blistering sore covered body of Cobain, you bear witness to a wife that watched Sid and Nancy and saw Nancy as the soft spoken heroine. Not heroin. Can you really become so fucked up on drugs before death that Courtney Love seems like a good idea? I’m pretty much shit-faced by four cocktails so I only make short term bad decisions that are usually over with by the next morning. This kind of Taliban poppy shit just inches you closer and closer to the airplane propeller which you mistake for a cool breeze. Jesus, somebody make it go away. I’m writing a thank you card to all the women I’ve ever been with for not being pock marked and completely unglued. Chick who lit my favorite sneakers on fire because I showed up late one evening without calling, I’m sorry. You were relatively awesome.
I’m not sure what the Standard Industrial Classification Code is for okay looking chicks with big hooters but there are more Americans employed in this sector than industrial manufacturing. Some day the Chinese will figure out how to make blond girls with big fake tits and that may change, but it’s 2015 and we still dominate this niche. We’ve seen Lindsey Pelas bounce her tubes while jogging before. In this thoughtful followup, she’s portraying jungle girl, the comic book character Aquaman will transform into once he becomes fully gender aware. If she loved her country, she’d remove her top. There’s no room for demure in the jungle.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
What defines a sex tape? Sex? Tape? You got that here. After three long days of a brutally long promotional cycle, Vivid is releasing the Courtney Stodden sex tape to the public. It’s unclear whether demand will mimic the throngs of people lined up for the Disneyland opening in the 1950′s, or whether it will be more like Disneyland today with mostly Asians buying online with coupon codes. It’s pretty clear the days of I’m going to film you fucked up and show everybody your vagina sex tapes are long gone. There’s still illegally hacked shit like in The Fappening, but the commercially distributed celebrity sex tapes are not even hiding the professional porn lighting these days. The fact they all seem to take place in the same hotel room in Vegas can still be written off as a coincidence. If you pay her, she will just come back for more. If you don’t pay her, she’ll have to come back for more. I’ll noodle on this conundrum and get back to you.
** Be sure to check out Lex and Matt and wonder friends going deeper dive on LastMenonEarth.com. It’s WWTDD after hours. **
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.
Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!
The principal and founder of a charter school in Georgia got herself in a pickle for calling out ‘black families’ for leaving the school’s graduation early. Nancy Gordeuk founded the TNT Academy in Stone Mountain, Georgia on the inspired notion that you can make good money by providing a social promotion academy for struggling public school kids if you can come up with a super cool name. Gordeuk inadvertently informed the graduation audience that the ceremony was over before the school’s valedictorian gave his speech and quickly hustled to the microphone to call everybody back into the auditorium. For good measure, she threw in a good taunt ‘look who’s leaving early, all the black families’ under the working theory that no publicity is bad publicity. Her school has previously been investigated by Georgia school officials for not conspiring hard enough to cheat on standardized exams like the other schools in the state. Pretending public school works in an urban environment is a team effort. Ultimately, Georgia should consider abandoning primary education and going back to what has worked for them better in the past, folksy wisdom and subsistence living. Nothing wounds like expectations.
Thanks to modern cell phone technology, we get a glimpse into what’s really been going on at Rihanna concerts. Rihanna calls up to the stage some untold line of male and female fans to grab her tits while she grinds on their pubes. Even in a decent sized venue you’ve got a good shot at Rihanna riding your privates until you front soil your shorts. I’d pay seventy bucks plus another twenty to Ticketmaster for that. I pay more at the local gentleman’s club and the girls working me over don’t own eight Grammy’s. This is like he local skate shop selling dank weed out of the back. You want business to be good, but not too good. Mediocre skate product is your best cover. Well played, Rihanna. I call next.
There are predictable ancillaries that come with underaged boning a rapper. Smoking dank and eating biscuits is a given. The illegitimate baby and the melancholy of HSV to follow. Kylie Jenner recently discovered Snapchat to detail the special moments in her life. Like hopping into a car in between flights to go grab some Popeyes with Tyga. Is there anything more endearing than young romance? Kylie filmed herself mumbling what sounds like I’m high as fuck and eating the biscuit, because, in a reverse of the primitive beliefs of the Native Americans, a Kardashian believes her soul will actually disappear if she’s not on camera. It might. It’s amazing how consistent the behavior is among teenagers with cash, free time, and zero adult supervision. Fucking, drugs, beach vacations, and social media documentation of the fucking, drugs, and beach vacations. That’s what Kim was doing with Ray-J prior to him covering her in fame ten years ago. Maybe time really is a circle rather than a line. Or these girls might just have brains wired similarly for whoredom. Hawking would probably know the answer. It’s no wonder dad wants his own vagina. This looks like fun.
Social media isn’t for self-important rejoinders or even for Al Qaeda to plot taking over another piece of barren shitscape for Allah, it’s about tits. Large, full, and ripe. Make them bounce. Instagram video was launched with Justin Bieber stoned and sneering at the camera. Now it’s this. Evolution is happening. Wake up. You’re going to miss something wonderful.
The Cleveland Cavaliers made a tone deaf spoof video for fifty bucks in which a dude and his special lady are dancing in the kitchen until he finds out she’s a Bulls fan and body slams the shit out of her. In the next scene she has converted to Cavs fandom and has an ice-pack on her head in a display of submissiveness. The moral of the story is domestic violence is dirty, but ultimately pretty effective. This has predictably outraged a lot of people. Mostly professional production crews who could’ve made a decent video for just a few hundred bucks more, but also feminists and their more rational neighbors who have a negative view of spousal abuse and sports.
You should know if you hire what appears to be an actual wife beater to star in your cheap video and it’s devoid of irony, people are going to have a problem. Not a problem like getting their teeth knocked out by their alcoholic husbands. Those women are shit out luck. We’re focussing on a professional basketball team here. Sure you could donate money to a variety of charities aimed at helping those in need, but as always feigned Twitter outrage requires burning less calories. The highways that take you into Cleveland also take you out. Everybody is there by choice. Judge accordingly.