Kevin Gates Schools Some Science (VIDEO)

By Lex February 11, 2016 @ 12:09 AM

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Rolling Stone’s latest exposé is slow drawling rapper Kevin Gates d anti-vaccination advice to parent. Gates claims his three year old daughter is a baby genius thanks to never polluting her body with the mercury and used Bazooka chewing gum found commonly in white people conspiracy vaccines. Whether his daughter is smart enough to predict her own death by second grade remains to be seen. Gates has read a whole bunch of MUST SEE! clickbait and throws out additional medical advice like only birthing your kids at home and never letting a needle pierce your skin unless it’s to cover your body in Calvin Klein model tattoos. Nice try Rolling Stone. There are no rappers named Kevin. It’s hard not to feel a little melancholy for campus rape stories. At least they had a believable premise.

Whitey Keeps Winning (VIDEO)

By Lex February 10, 2016 @ 7:48 AM

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Officials at Glen Allen High School outside of Richmond, Virginia are receiving backlash for a Black History month video designed to make white students feel super shitty about racism in America. The animated film, The Unequal Competition Race, uses the metaphor of a race around a track to show how white people are uniformly privileged and connected and black people and a guy who might be Hispanic or ethnic Armenian face an onslaught of unstoppable barriers to any type of success. Like sharks. Which are metaphors for the crappy education black students receive if they happen to attend Glen Allen High School.

Black History Month is limited in its own definition. Black History is finite and therefore each successive year brings little in the way of new history to study. In contrast, a Black Future Month is limited only by the extent of imagination. Black Future Month could include such wild eyed possibilities as black people telling guilty white people in the public education establishment to stop making shitty affirmative action cartoons.

Progressive white people used to make decent racial satire. All in the Family is a gem. Somebody decided racism is too serious for comedy or satire so they fired all the talented pot smoking leftists and brought in a bunch of bureaucratic hacks with rule books and approved speech. The Unequal Competition Race doesn’t change a single heart. It’s White Privilege porn. A smarmy white kid beats out a black dude in dreads around the track? False premise.

George Washington Minority Owner (VIDEO)

By Josh February 08, 2016 @ 8:25 PM

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TV commercials are uniformly horrible. The public is overly sensitive and litigious and unable to decipher the bad feelings often stirred up inside them. Apartments.com managed to cobble together an amusing Super Bowl ad. They got Jeff Goldblum to be their Christopher Walken , a George Washington impersonator and Lil Wayne to be in a Super Bowl campaign with the theme of George and Weezy homaging The Jeffersons.

Nervous white people who achieve tumescence when they hear the phrase “trigger-warning” and ejaculate at the idea of a safe-space saw a black person together with a Colonial era white person and misinterpreted their discomfort as racism. George Washington owned slaves and endorsed the name Redskins for his football team. It’s in all the new textbooks in the place of where it used to say First President. TMZ leapt into action and created a poll that asked readers if the commercial was racist. The results were overwhelmingly ‘no’ as to the racism question. Which says nothing since TMZ voters are mostly white crackers who belong to Revolutionary War battle reenactment clubs. 

If every time you see a black person next to a white person, your brain tells you something racist is going on, you’re the racist. That’s science. Who’s the Jew in the middle and why he’s holding a football? As if.

Shkreli Grinning Right On Up the Chain (VIDEO)

By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 8:02 AM

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The further a grinning asshole climbs without getting a punch in the face, the more legendary he becomes. Nobody has dared more powerful people to drop him in a river than Martin Shkreli. Today Shkreli moved on to making goofy fuck you faces at self-serious Congressmen holding hearings on Capitol Hill. Shkreli is the honey badger. He just doesn’t give a shit. He’d take a giggling leak on Jesus’ sandals and tell him to tell his dad to go fuck himself. It’s borderline admirable to play douchebag to power. Shkreli is either hyper aware of the comical hypocrisy between big government and big pharma or he’s just dropping ecstasy before all of his press conferences and public appearances. It might be both. He’ll be dead or locked up this round or the next. There are plenty of rich assholes who live forever. But not the ones who fuck with the AIDS community. That bullseye is permanent.

Helen Mirren Is Wasted (VIDEO)

By Lex February 03, 2016 @ 12:52 PM

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Helen Mirren taped a Super Bowl ad for Budweiser chiding people to consume less Budweiser. It’s veiled as anti-drunk driving, but reducing drinking is the obvous path to reducing drunk driving so you’re telling people to buy less of your shit for their own good. A number of other beer and liquor companies have similar campaigns dedicated to safe drinking, moderate drinking, thinking before you drink, drinking responsibly, and trying not to beat your gay son while intoxicated.  I think that last one is Genny Light.

The government forces these campaigns which are wholly unnatural and entirely empty. The point of booze is to get lit. Life sucks and you want to get high. Maybe have sex with a girl who doesn’t take amazing care of herself or why else would she let you, grab a slice, and usher in a new day from the depths of your carpet. If you want to drink something yummy, order a fucking milkshake, Grimace. When people say have fun but don’t have too much fun, what they’re really saying is, don’t have any fun at all. Or, occasionally, don’t fuck my daughter I don’t care if you paid for a limo. Unless you live alone in a barren landscape, you shouldn’t drink and drive. Though then it would be amazing. We have harsh laws and penalties for drunk driving and everybody who is going to get it, already gets it. Those that don’t won’t be moved by Helen Mirren. Let’s get back to adverising tits and ass and beer and how they all go together. There’s no other way to sell Budweiser.

The 27 Club Needs a Comeback (VIDEO)

By Lex February 03, 2016 @ 7:31 AM

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For all the mythology, almost nobody in rock takes that ‘better to burn out than fade away’ adage to heart. There are child support payments to be made. Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin has been racking upstage meltdowns and drunk and disorderly arrests for several years now. He’s been booked at multiple airports, once for riding a luggage conveyor belt while intoxicated. It’s cute if you’re a co-ed on Spring Break. Less so when you’re in your 40′s and still trying to pull off Cobain junior. Performing at a show in Ohio where you’d really have to poll the audience as to why they had no better use of twenty dollars, Scantlin played a couple songs in a set before identifying a guy in the audience he said ‘stole his house’ then dropped the mic and left.

This motherfucker right here stole my motherfucking house and now he’s standing right fucking in front of me laughing at me. And he fucking figures I’m a fucking joke. This motherfucker right here… Get his ass on camera. This is the dog. Right here. This is the motherfucker right here. This guy stole my fucking house.

You could dig deeper into the nature and legitimacy of Scantlin’s claims of property theft, but that seems like an incredible waste of time. The same reason why when a drunk old lady in the store stoop is mumbling about aliens stealing her baby we don’t call NASA to investigate. If you knew for a fact that fading away involved sliding on a satin jacket and storming off stage would you maybe have considered burning out more seriously?

Charlie Sheen Arthritic Goat’s Milk Cure Not Working as Planned (VIDEO)

By Lex February 02, 2016 @ 10:50 AM

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Charlie Sheen may have contracted the HIV virus in the conventional manner, but his attempts to rid himself of the deadly STD and return to a baseline of coronary disease and cocaine induced M.S. are anything but standard. Sheen has made various unfounded claims about his HIV count becoming so low through medicinal treatments that he’s hardly contagious. This could be just a defense ploy for his various civil suit litigations though since he’s nuts he probably also believes it. Sheen has rounded up every TV and quack offshore doctor into a Justice League of unlicensed to practice physicians to find a cure so that he may continue to fuck porn stars while super fucking high. I mean, if you’re not busy trying to cure Hawking’s ALS this week and you’ve got nothing else to do.

Dr. Samir Chachoua, which is almost certainly not the name he’s known as on Interpol arrest warrants, claimed on the Bill Maher Show that he is curing Sheen with injections of arthritic goat’s milk. As if being an arthritic lactating goat isn’t a bad enough lot. Chachoua insists the virus in the goat’s milk combats the HIV virus and diminished the count in the body of the infected patients to essentially null. He claims his cure has been used to wipe out HIV and AIDS in various African nations. It’s a clever claim because nobody can name most African nations. Chachou is so confident in his cure for HIV that he injected himself with Charlie Sheen’s blood. It seems insane though far more tolerable than letting Charlie fuck you in the ass while you’re dressed as an Ice Follies girl. There was no third option.

Everything was going swimmingly until Sheen went off his big pharma HIV suppressant meds in favor of the billy goat gruff and his viral count started to skyrocket. Even his other fake doctors screamed for him to quit the goat’s milk before he got full blown The AIDS. Dead men pay no consulting fees. It’s unfair that anybody dies while Charlie Sheens gets to live. Tiger’s blood was one thing. Chasing down arthritic goats isn’t a real sport.

Courtney Stodden’s Mom Falls In Love With Courtney’s Old Man

By Lex January 29, 2016 @ 9:36 AM

Courtney Stodden Has A Fight With Her Mom
The Mother Daughter Experiment on Lifetime follows from the never ending line of surgery riddled moms and daughters with substance addictions screaming and crying on camera so that fat women and gay men can have something to talk about on Facebook. It’s unclear how any moral judgement distinguishes this from pornography. You’re either selling the cheapest part of yourself for a few shekels or you’re not.

In the show teaser we learn that Courtney Stodden who is 21 going on a hard stripper 40, accuses her born again mom with fake 50-something tits of falling in love with her husband. That would be the old dude from Lost who avoided statutory rape charges by marrying Stodden before the Sheriff Coltrane could arrest him. I spoke to Courtney Stodden’s mom one time and she told me God had a special plan for Courtney which is either a lie or super embarrassing for God. Search your soul and consider whether or not The Almighty wanted you to get enormous fake tits and con people for a living. Denny’s is always hiring. There’s no shame in being helpful.

Photo Credit: Instagram

The AIDS Drug Dude Simply Will Not Die (VIDEO)

By Lex January 28, 2016 @ 1:09 PM

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Martin Shkreli is working that fine line between anti-establishment rabble rouser and narcissistic asshole. It’s super fine and nearly indistinguishable. Shkreli is out on bail from securities fraud following his Boris Badenov idea to buy a vital The AIDS pharmaceutical and jack up the cost to where nobody with the disease could afford it. That’s like opening a steakhouse in Mumbai. And fucking all the cows in the ass before you butcher them before the startled customers. Then shitting on their carcasses and freestlying raps about Hindus wolfing down White Castle. Only worse.

Shkreli also bought the one and only gold boxed recording of the Wu Tang Clan’s last idiotically marketed album for two million and declared he would keep it all to himself or maybe let terminal AIDS patients listen to just a single track, for the titles to their homes post-mortem. Wu Tang’s Ghostface Killah called Shkreli a bunch of names which got Shkreli to find three black dudes and put them in masks and make a rap feud video laced with threats and a drunk white guy homaging Christian Slater from that week in his teens when he made good movies.

This is the age we live in. Everybody is a reality star. There may never be a thing worse than a Millennial with free time and money. The AIDS was less funny when it wasn’t curable. So was Shkreli.

Danny Devito Declares Us All Racists (VIDEO)

By Lex January 25, 2016 @ 11:30 AM

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If some actor declared us a nation of pedophiles there’d be tremendous backlash and distancing. Racists, not so much. Danny DeVito jumped into the OscarsSoWhite fray by declaring America a racist nation and all of us ‘a bunch of racists’. The level at which not entirely uneducated people are stereotyping and denigrating broad swaths of  the population with sweeping generalizations is pretty fantastical. Straight Out of Compton just wasn’t that good. Cough cough, Eazy-E has The AIDS because he trusted the Jews. Thanks self-loathing Jewish screenwriters. I get it. People in Hollywood fall over themselves daily trying not to appear politically incorrect or intolerant. Now they’re being called racist and they can’t handle the not-even-truth. Leave us out of your handwringing and White Privilege guilt ridden seppuku, DeVito, Damon, Clooney. We’re not all super rich and fucking hot chicks playing pretend for a living. You won the life lottery and you can’t fucking stand your own good fortune. You know who readily accepts a break when they receive it? Black dudes. Jesus, I want to punch all of you so fucking hard in face.

Kocktails With Khloe Ignites (VIDEO)

By Lex January 25, 2016 @ 10:46 AM

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In 2014, Kris Jenner launched her daytime talk show for the morbidly obese waiting for their class action settlement checks. Jenner immediately suffered from having absolutely nothing to talk about beyond her pumpkin head family. Khloe Kardashian’s talk show Kocktails With Khloe just kicked off on the fyi network which may or may not be a real thing. The show features Khloe surrounded by obviously fatter more useless women to relatively mask her own unpleasant human form. Like her fetid Brentwood whore mom, Khloe has zippo to offer the world save for tittering inside mentions of her famous family.

Producers invited Kendall Jenner on the show to flash her braless tits and to prank phone call Kim Kardashian with news that Kendall was young and pregnant out of wedlock. What type of freak out are you expecting to elicit from your thrice married and multiple times knocked up with a bastard baby sister by telling her you’re pregnant? Also, she’s medicated. And stupid. And slow. Fake knee slap all you want, fat talk show cut ups, the fyi network and the guy who runs three gas stations in Nebraska who owns it have standards. Tease the big Kanye appearance so we can start counting down the final days already. Nobody watches this channel but a zero will still get you noticed. Pound another martini while sucking in your gut. Daytime drinking is the only believable element of your show.

Stacey Dash Seems Touched (VIDEO)

By Lex January 20, 2016 @ 1:26 PM

Casting black female conservatives for TV news segments can’t be easy. There are four of them in total and they shout a lot. Fox News keeps rolling over to Stacey Dash. She was in the movie Clueless which she turned into the TV show Clueless and then parts on thirty-nine TV shows on channels I’d dare you to find on a modern cable guide. Dash seems mildly retarded. Or a heavily medicated genius. Even Hawking isn’t explaining black holes while dosing lithium. Though I’m pretty certain Dash is the former.

I agree in principle with most everything Dash is saying about black celebrities bitching about the Oscars. It’s still embarrassing to say you agree with Stacey Dash out loud. She seems at a loss for words. Any words. ‘Help’ would be a good one. Chuckles right next to you is teeing up softballs. You’re swinging backwards. It’s like high-fiving the slob next to you at the game after a touchdown. He’s on your team. But he’s not. Now your hand smells like mortadella. Stacey Dash is a vegetarian so your hand just smells like stupid. Isn’t there anybody articulate left to explain you can’t make a big deal about declining an event you were never invited to? Sharpton just jumped into the pool. Everybody out.

I Wonder If Wonder Woman Will Be Super Female Empowering (VIDEO)

By Lex January 20, 2016 @ 11:23 AM

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The Warner Bros. Wonder Woman film has started its eighteen month long marketing campaign with a bang of female empowerment and girl power. Wonder Woman isn’t just a superhero, she’s a brave powerful woman who doesn’t need your help opening doors, just a level playing field, equal pay for equal work, and maybe you could call and say something comforting after the first three abortions. Warner Bros. released the first promo piece for the film featuring Kevin Smith as the moderator and a bunch of people working on the film discussing Wonder Woman as an Amazonian Ruth Bader Ginsburg who is good and kind but still much stronger than the men she battles. Kevin Smith declares Wonder Woman a feminist icon. Some dude announces that she stands for gender equality. I’ve read the comics. I don’t remember that part. Wasn’t she born on an island of hot bisexual women who rubbed each’s tits with hot oil while talking about what real cock must feel like?

Chris Pine boldly asserts this is a pivotal moment in history to have a movie about such a powerful woman. Why? It’s unclear. Ten out of ten actresses nominated for Oscars are women. That seems like a lot. Getting into some Jennifer Lawrence isn’t as simple as it was just a year ago. Can’t Wonder Woman just be a superhero movie where she kicks some Kraut ass? Captain America seems less complicated. But I suppose that’s the point. He’s got male privilege and can afford to be. I appreciate a mythical women that fights for the world of men. Still, bitch better be making me nachos during the Super Bowl or back to the island.



Photo Credit: Interview Magazine

Maria Shriver Touts Kris Jenner As a Role Model for Women (VIDEO)

By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 8:55 AM

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Maria Shriver seems like a nice enough person who lives in one wicked epoxied socialite bubble. It’s that old money thing where you care desperately for the less fortunate primarily as an intellectual process. You miss a lot of the nuance. Like how your horny HGH husband with the clown hair you no longer fuck is not going to bang a baby into the maid because he goes to church on Sundays. Or how Kris Jenner may engender ill feelings among real working moms when you tout her as a working mom with wisdom during one of your seminars for well-off women looking for shit to do on the weekends.

Shriver runs a series of talks called Architects of Change: The Conversation Series: Opening Hearts and Minds. Tons of secondary titling is a quick tipoff that something super boring is about to happen. Shriver announced a joint initiative wherein Kris Jenner will be holding workshops for struggling working women on how to use the domestic skills they already possess to improve their livelihoods. Jenner claims her own success in business came from seeing what talents she had in the home and applying them to an entrepreneurial venture. Like seeing her young daughters changing in their room with the shades up while neighbor boys masturbated outside. Bingo. We’re going to need a plastic surgeon and a money counter. Also, like a half dozen black dudes.

Shriver gushed on social media about her Kris Jenner session only to discover that most people outside her Westside bio-dome don’t believe Kris Jenner is a role model for anything but turning a dime on your daughters’ twats. She’s a master pimp, but that’s still a pimp. Tons of Shriver’s long time fans emphasized their disappointment. We expected more from an Architects of Change Conversation Series. Like never having to know it existed. You’re both worth in excess of a hundred million. Write a fucking check, you cheapskates.

Tyga’s Underaged Accuser May Be Not Super Honest (VIDEO)

By Lex January 13, 2016 @ 10:45 AM

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At some point last week a fourteen year old aspiring singer who looks thirty seven cried with her mom and Gloria Allred at a press conference claiming rapper Tyga came on to her sexually via social media and she lacked the wherewithal at such a tender age to press the ‘block’ button. America wept with her. Including the guys who were secretly thinking about fucking her. Good cover. Since Tyga already had a reputation for boning his underaged Jenner girlfriend, it seemed in the least plausible. Though none of it was criminal so the entire Allred press conference played like a weak Cosby rape accuser interstitial.

Rapper Bobo Norco who is a real person it seems claims in a selfie-video that this same Molly O’Malia chick not only previously hit him up with flirty messages, but also blatantly lied about being eighteen. He excerpted her text messages which kind of make her look like a liar. Which just goes to show, for every statutory raping rapper there is an underaged chick looking for her ticket to ride to the end of the rainbow for her pot of gold.

The law clearly disfavors black men getting involved with fourteen year old white girls. Every silver lining of endless pussy has a cloud of some kind. This cloud might get you lynched. Please don’t say you remember the good old days when we didn’t have plotting whorish teen girls.

Topless Protestor Tackles the German Muslim Refugee Rape Issue (VIDEO)

By Lex January 11, 2016 @ 7:06 AM

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A lone European naked protesting chick is more powerful than a horde of NYU applied arts majors topless stomping down a Manhattan thoroughfare. There’s mannequin like moroseness only the denizen of a war torn continent can achieve. Milo Moire is Swiss which means she can travel freely through any Risk territory on the map. She stood in front of the famed cathedral in Cologne protesting the fact that nobody in German government gave a shit that a bunch of their recent Muslim country refugees finger raped a lot of German chicks at the New Year’s Eve fireworks show. Or they didn’t care enough to make the bold statement that young poor immigrant men with no prospects or civility or command of the native language don’t make for great party guests. Not if you like your silverware.

In case you don’t read German yourself, Moire’s sign translates roughly to ‘how the fuck did Blair Walsh miss that field goal?’. It’s a harsh language. She may be channeling extra anger from the fact that the female Cologne mayor blamed the assaulted women for being in mixed company after dark and not wearing their full body metal lederhosen. Politics is a rough business. Naked protestors make it slightly more palatable. Those Syrian refugees looked so puppy like in the videos. This just has to be made up.

Rushing Delta Gamma (VIDEO)

By Lex January 08, 2016 @ 7:12 AM

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This Delta Gamma sorority recruitment videos plays like the the sequel to a Bat Mitzvah interstitial made by the nephew with the video camera. Could nobody in casting find you somebody over 5’3″?

You’re at the University of Miami. It costs $46,000 a year in tuition for a academics that rank below University of Florida at $6,000 upstate. Could you at least show one classroom shot or a textbook or something to make dad feel like breaking the bank to find you a husband is a good investment. that nose and tits didn’t come free either. I don’t care who you know at synagogue.

Daughters are expensive. You used to have to deal them away to bedouins with one cow, one pig, and one goat thrown in. The Chinese drown their girls at birth. In sand. Somebody’s reading their water conservation brochures. Every time some politician spits out the platitude about the importance of college, I’m flipping through the Delta Gamma promo video. College is super important for modest income Asian kids studying engineering then quickly tumbles in importance on down to the DG girls in Coral Gables.

We need smart kids to work hard and make the cool shit we love. We need sexually active dumb girls to put out so hard work has intangible benefits. It’s expensive to make college the answer to both of these.

Eddie Griffin Explains Away Cosby Rapes (VIDEO)

By Lex December 31, 2015 @ 11:06 AM

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There’s a not small percentage of the black population who believe that racism alone explains why successful black men are ever accused of crimes. This means Bill Cosby can never be convicted by a jury of his peers. Prosecutors can find all white suburban juries to convict, then be accused of racism. Or find downtown mixed race juries that won’t convict and be accused of incompetence. It’s the Kobayashi Maru and the pudding guy who likes to drug women unconscious and cum in their hair escapes.

Eddie Griffin sounds like an insane motherfucker defending Bill Cosby. He’s speaking for a lot of insane motherfuckers you will never hear speaking in mixed company. Griffin calls the women Cosby raped “thirty-seven bitches” and questions their motives for going to the hotel room of a married man in the first place. Half of that seems fair. Married men are kind of defenseless against scheming bitches.

Griffin attributes the events entirely to 70′s drug culture and slutty chicks trying to get over on a good man who put lots of black students through college. Who puts kids he doesn’t even know through college then rapes women? I don’t know any, do you? If you want a preview of the Cosby defense strategy before black members of the jury, Griffin lays it out. It need not be supported by facts in evidence, it’s rooted in conspiracy logic. I object. Fuck you, sit down.

Griffin notes how Kobe Bryant white hotel receptionist ass rape and Michael Jackson white boy ass rape were expressions of the same white conspiracy to bring down successful black entertainers. It’s unclear what brought down Eddie Griffin, but booze and lack of talent are what the colonialist plantation owners would suggest. Some ten percent of the population believes in improvable racist conspiracy theories about The Man. They represent ninety-percent of serving jurors. Cosby will pay out lots of cash to shut a lot of pie holes, but he will never serve a day in prison.

Lady Justice is weeping. She should’ve skipped the red eye cocktail. Bitch.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Hannah Ferguson Merry Late Christmas (VIDEO)

By Lex December 30, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

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Nothing says Christmas like writhing around on the floor in lingerie five days after Christmas is over. I saw this one holiday in Michigan with a second cousin before her parents told everyone she went to live on a farm. My parents said that about our dog before they gassed her so I just assumed the same went for Cousin Sara. But she showed up some years later with an empty gaze and shapeless sweaters working the potted plant section at OSH. Can you maintain a carefree smile while producing Christmas soft core porn and are you free this December? Your tits are spectacular. Do they come in seasonal colors?

Photo Credit: Love Advent

Adriana Lima Black Lingerie For Love Advent (VIDEO)

By Lex December 29, 2015 @ 7:24 AM

Adriana Lima Black Lingerie For Love Advent
I’m pretty sure the Advent is over. But who’s going to stop a bunch of foreign models from rolling around in lingerie like they’re back in the emir’s palace and somebody’s plucking a lute. Wait for the zither. Here comes the buggery. None of this really had anything to do with Christmas. So, it’s like Christmas itself. One day either the religious Christians will quit their tired gripe about commercialism and half-naked Brazilians besmirching the birth of their Lord or Obama will let in a bunch of Muslims who will make them stop. Merry Christmas. This has to be close to our last.

Photo Credit: Love Advent

Fuller House Seems Compelling (VIDEO)

By Lex December 24, 2015 @ 10:10 AM

Several cast members of early 90′s hit family sitcom Full House are reuniting for Fuller House because real life babies and meth habits don’t pay for themselves. One important life lesson completely glossed over by dad in the original series. SAG residuals are nice, but not that nice, so you should plan on working every twenty years or so if you want to eat solid food.

The premise of the reboot is that the girls are all grown up now and have tits you can look at without feeling like a monster. That’s not the worst premise ever. A promo for the Netflix series coming in February shows the two daughters from the show now in their 30′s shimmying along with the girl who played their nosy friend fired up with cortisone shots to her injured back because paycheck. I could probably watch this for 22-minutes. I’m not sure what happens when they start speaking, but it’s when I’d go mute and imagine I was Uncle Jesse getting a Tanner girl sandwich. The baby from the original show won’t be back because she grew up into two chicks with boatloads of licensed merchandise cash and unlimited cartons of cigarettes. I give this show three stars without seeing it. Four if I never have to.

The Thought of Hillary Clinton Peeing Disgusts Conservatives (VIDEO)

By Lex December 22, 2015 @ 12:59 PM

Either you believe Donald Trump is a blowhard who you’d routinely punch in the gunt if he didn’t have security or he’s an incredibly honed in wordsmith who uses the subtleties of language to lure in voters. Trump’s been hitting the public fora recasting in people’s minds the moment in the Saturday evening Democratic Party debate when Hillary Clinton returned late from a toilet break and the ABC broadcast started up without her. Depending on who you believe, Clinton was either waiting for the entire women’s restroom to free up since she needs to pee in private, or she was squeezing out a blimp sized dump soon to become legendary in her underground dyke coffee klatch. Trump referred to Clinton’s bathroom activities as disgusting, a word you typically don’t use to describe a lady using the powder room.

The Washington Post suggests there’s a brilliant scheme behind Trump’s word choice because conservative voters are far more prone to be moved by disgust and disgusting imagery than liberal voters. They cite numerous college studies where groups of people were shown pictures of dirty toilets and Rebel Wilson after a fried chicken binge and other gross images and those on the right reacted far stronger to the sense of disgust. Tying Clinton to the word ‘disgusting’ give you instant cred among the conservatives. In the same speech, Trump also mentioned that Clinton got ‘shlonged’ by Obama in the 2008 election. You don’t need fancy college studies to predict how conservatives react in good measure to a woman being fucked by a black man. It’s the opposite of how Bernie Sanders described it in his ’72 stream of consciousness essay on the subject.

Steve Harvey Had One Job (VIDEO)

By Lex December 21, 2015 @ 7:17 AM

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Steve Harvey’s big bald head is the universal signal that family safe comedy is coming your way. Harvey fucked up the big moment of the Miss Universe pageant when he declared Miss Colombia the winner and Miss Philippines the runner-up, the opposite of the actual results on the card. Paramilitary juntas in Colombia fired their AK’s into the air for naught as producers tipped off Harvey who had to apologize and re-announce the chick from the Philippines the real winner.

The winner cries and waves and the runner up delivers the false sentiment hug, now all needing a hurried switcheroo hoping nobody notices you soiling your Spanx on live TV. The difference in payouts is huge. Miss Universe gets a whirlwind tour of Middle Eastern outlet shopping centers and six months as beard to a Jonas brother. The runner-up gets six tabs of HSV1 suppressant and a Whitman’s Sampler. After the fracas, the two contestants hugged and agreed how silly it was since they were both just Dominican nursing students at Central Florida. Trump!

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rita Ora Seasons Greetings (VIDEO)

By Lex December 18, 2015 @ 9:59 AM

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People who bitch about Christmas devolving into a celebration of shopping and anxious consumerism have yet to witness these series of stripper videos set to Yuletide costumery. I can’t remember how many days are in the Advent. Christ only knows. Every famous chick eighteen to thirty is contractually bound to shimmy their tits and ass in one of these Love magazine seasonal videos. Mrs. Claus stopped putting out in the 1600′s and Santa needs a quick pop. Breathe, St. Nick. Naughty eventually circles back to nice right around the taint.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine