Avril Lavigne Must Be Stopped (VIDEO)

By Travis April 23, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

As fast as people can complain about what a terrible song and video it is, Avril Lavigne’s latest, “Hello Kitty,” is being pulled from YouTube, and that’s probably a very good thing. Co-written by her husband Chad Kroeger, “Hello Kitty” is an orgy of awful sounds and incredibly stupid lyrics, ushering Canada’s leading wannabe female punk rocker into a new era of ripping Gwen Stefani off. And just like when Gwen thought it would be cool and edgy to form a posse of Japanese girls, people are already calling Avril’s video offensive and borderline racist. Honestly, though, it’s time for people to stop being offended by trivial things and just focus on the fact that this is flat out awful.

(If the video disappears, watch it on Avril’s official site. I know I just said it’s awful, but it really is worth a brief watch just to experience it. Consider it a dare.)

Tori Spelling Just Isn’t Enough In Bed (VIDEO)

By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Thanks to Oprah Winfrey taking advantage of Lindsay Lohan’s pathetic desperation for money and attention, the “docu-series” is the hot new way of referring to a washed up celebrity’s reality show without making it sound like she’d eat shit off a sidewalk for $100. Lifetime gave Tori Spelling, who admitted not too long ago that she basically pissed away all of her money, a new “docu-series” to tell her story almost as it happens, because we just can’t be left out of a life that includes things like dying her hair to maintain her youthful appeal and not fooling anyone. In this clip for True Tori, which debuts tonight, Tori’s husband, Dean McDermott, admits that he cheated on Tori because sex with her basically sucks. It’s a shame they didn’t just name this show Things We Assumed.

A Kid Was Suspended For Asking Miss America To His Prom (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

A Pennsylvania high schooler named Patrick Farves was suspended for three days last week after he defied orders and carried out a plan to ask Miss America Nina Davuluri to his prom during her speech at the school. According to the local paper, Patrick has a reputation for such convoluted stunts and cries for attention, so the Central York High School officials found out it was coming and issued the warning to him in advance. He knew the risk but still desperately wanted to be the cool kid, and now he’s the focus of a really fucking stupid national debate about whether or not he should have been suspended.

The answer to the argument is, of course, “Who honestly cares if he had to sit in the bad kids room at school for three days all because some old people don’t have a sense of humor about his tired, unoriginal antics?” There are plenty of worse things that he could have done to become a headline, and I think that’s why Nina issued this statement in his defense.

“On Thursday, a student invited me to prom and gave me a flower while I was giving a presentation in York, Pennsylvania. I was flattered by the gesture although I am unfortunately unable to attend due to my travel schedule. I later learned of the disciplinary action taken and reached out to the school in hopes that they will reconsider their decision.”

Thanks for the input, Nina, but the fact still remains that every male high school student who thinks it’s original, cute or clever to ask a famous woman to prom should be suspended for at least a week from here on out.

Nobody Should Ask Too Short About Hitler Again (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for a wide variety of people, and specifically Nazi potheads who love Jesus, what with it being Easter, 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Naturally, instead of asking a weed-loving rapper like Too Short what he thinks about it being 4/20 on Easter so he can make jokes about the Easter Bunny and Jesus getting high together or something, a TMZ guy asked him about what it’s like to know that it was 4/20 and Hitler’s birthday. Too Short doesn’t care about Hitler’s birthday because “Hitler got his” and he knows what went down, and I think the point was that the good guys stopped the bad guys from doing even more terrible shit, but I still feel like I just received a history lesson from a guy who really wants to know when the fucking pizza is going to get here.

This Girl Is Getting An Abortion To Be On Big Brother (VIDEO)

By Travis April 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Josie Cunningham’s claim to fame has always been that she proudly took thousands of dollars from England’s National Health Service so she could get her tits done and continue to pursue her career as a “glamour model.” For some reason, the attention has kind of worked in her favor, because she told the Mirror that she was a favorite to appear on the upcoming season of Big Brother until she found out that she’s pregnant, and the network suddenly decided that a pregnant model and escort was just too much crazy shit for one reality show character. Josie then decided that the logical step to make sure that she doesn’t miss out on this shot at stardom is to get an abortion, so one of the two possible fathers – a soccer player or a plastic surgeon who paid her for sex – is going to pay for it, and she couldn’t be prouder.

“Then they suddenly turned cold. That was when I started considering an abortion. After the operation I will be going back to them and asking if they will still consider me.

“I’ve also had loads of other offers to further my career – and I’m not willing to give them up because I’m pregnant.”

I hope this woman becomes a huge star, especially if it’s because of a headline like, “Rapey lion gets loose in Big Brother home, has its way with Josie Cunningham several hundred times before eating her.”

Lindsay Lohan Was Humiliated By Her List Of Sexual Conquests (VIDEO)

By Travis April 18, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Lindsay Lohan’s “docu-series” comes to an end on Sunday with a big two-part series finale, so if you haven’t been watching up to this point, you’re just like the majority of people in America. Apparently the series conclusion has Lindsay making a triumphant return to the public life, which is actually just her introducing Miley Cyrus at a concert, and also preparing for a new role in a thriller, which either refers to her cameo on 2 Broke Girls, which could be described as “thrillingly unwatchable horseshit,” or maybe the movie Inconceivable, for which the plot is being “kept under wraps,” probably because it doesn’t exist.

But the most intense scene of the trailer for the finale has Lindsay crying about how “mean and humiliating” the leak of her sex list was, and I honestly feel bad for her. She probably had no clue it would get her so much attention when she wrote down the names of every famous guy she’s sucked off and then released it to a tabloid. You just can’t trust anyone these days.

Megyn Kelly Takes On Jenny McCarthy In A Sexy News Segment (VIDEO)

By Travis April 17, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

In a recent op-ed in the Chicago Sun-Times, Jenny McCarthy made the very interesting claim that she is not and never has been “anti-vaccine,” despite her years of being a mouthpiece for the anti-vaccine movement. Instead, she’s blaming blogs for misquoting her after all this time, as she wrote that she’s always been cool with vaccines, and she just believes that certain kids should have to get less shots. Either way, the point all along should have been that if you take medical advice from Jenny Fucking McCarthy, then you should probably accept that your stupid ass had it coming.

Fox News eye candy Megyn Kelly smelled blood in the wet t-shirt contest and went to town on Jenny’s flip-flopping, as her millions of old white male viewers cheered her on. But the only real solution is for Megyn to have Jenny on her show for an actual debate, in which they have to use body paints on each other to make their points.

CNN’s Boston Marathon Coverage Needs Work (VIDEO)

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of the day that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and his dead dipshit brother decided to set off a bomb at the finish line of the Boston Marathon and create their legacies as two of the biggest pieces of shit on Earth. The city held a massive tribute to the victims yesterday, including a moment of silence, but it turns out that news people don’t have to take part in any of that, because they can just run their mouths all they want and not have to worry about what people think. A live CNN feed caught a cameraman talking about how he couldn’t get through the crowd, and he cursed in the middle of some otherwise silent footage of the tribute, because sometimes a guy just has to ramble about shit no one cares about. While some people are pissed off about it, most of Boston responded, “Who fucking cares about that fucking fuck?”

Justin Bieber Scared All The White People At Coachella (VIDEO)

By Travis April 15, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

While the big news of Coachella was the reunion of Outkast and one of the biggest surprises was Beyonce joining her sister, Solange Knowles, on stage during her set, nothing at that stupid, overrated music festival made me happier than seeing Justin Bieber join Chance the Rapper on stage. They’ve apparently collaborated on a song in the past and that makes them best friends or something, but I don’t give a shit about their history or songs. What I care about is looking at these photos and video of Justin thinking that he’s a hard ass gangster mother fucker with his bandanas and tattoos, while knowing that he’s closer than ever to getting the shit kicked out of him when he says the wrong things to the wrong people or wears the wrong things in the wrong city. One way or another, things are going to end terribly for this dipshit, and we just all need to sit back and wait for it to happen with giant fucking smiles on our faces.

Photo Credits: Getty

Leonardo DiCaprio Danced Like An Average Joe A-Hole At Coachella (VIDEO)

By Travis April 15, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Doubling back on my theory that Coachella is nothing but self-entitled wannabe hipster celebrities pretending like they have their fingers on the pulse of today’s music industry, and the regular people who want to hang from their balls, here’s a video of Leonardo DiCaprio dancing like a dickhead during MGMT’s set this past weekend. You can make fun of Leo all you want, and you should because he looks like a total douchebag, but there’s always a rule when it comes to him. Say what you want, but you still have to acknowledge the fact that he not only had sex with at least 10 guys’ girlfriends at Coachella, but probably also your girlfriend while you read this. And if this guy’s dick doesn’t fall off by the time he turns 40, I’ll simply be shocked.

Zac Efron Took His Shirt Off For Morons (VIDEO)

By Travis April 14, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

There’s really no better way to confirm that your career is still on track and definitely not being dragged down by rumors of an intense cocaine addiction than by showing up at the MTV Movie Awards and letting someone tear your shirt off. Zac Efron did just that after he was honored with the most prestigious award of all, the Best Shirtless Performance, at last night’s event. Rita Ora did the heavy lifting in tearing Zac’s shirt off, and I’m both relieved and surprised that he didn’t have a mess of track marks and a tattoo of himself blowing another guy for crack. But this is Hollywood, so I’m sure that they have plenty of makeup to cover that kind of stuff up.

Cara Delevingne Is Making Out With Herself For YSL (VIDEO)

By Travis April 11, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

It’s still downright baffling how someone who is 35 and constantly looks like she smells like a brewery like Michelle Rodriguez was able to score a lesbian fling with model Cara Delevingne, but sometimes the experimental bisexual love of two famous and wealthy people knows no bounds. But Cara’s new ad campaign for Yves Saint Laurent allowed her to seduce and kiss someone who’s more on her level, because she’s kissing herself, or at least a mirror image of herself, in this lipstick commercial. If anything, this could be the video that finally proves to all the government assholes who oppose cloning that there are benefits of the controversial testing and procedures that far outweigh the cries of the pussies that claim it’s all for saving mankind.

Oprah Told Letterman That Lindsay Is ‘Doing OK’ (VIDEO)

By Travis April 10, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

In order to make Lindsay Lohan seem interesting enough to talk to for a few minutes, David Letterman had to get Oprah Winfrey on the phone to remind everyone that she’s the driving force (and money) behind the 27-year old actress’s return to stardom. While Dave and Oprah joked about the host’s life in between pretending that everything is fine with Lindsay, she couldn’t even grasp the idea of how a phone works. But if the almighty Queen Oprah says that Lindsay is fine, then we have to believe her, and I’ll just pretend that there weren’t armed men with tranquilizer guns waiting on the side of the stage in case Lindsay decided to remove her underwear and ask to bump a line off Dave’s dick.

Kris Jenner Knows That Nobody Wants To See Her Naked (VIDEO)

By Travis April 10, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Kris Jenner called into an Australian morning radio talk show to update the continent on just about everything that’s going on in her family’s life, because there aren’t enough Kardashian shows on TV right now, and Australians will literally die if they don’t know what’s going on with Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. Among many stupid things, the hosts asked Kris if her ex-husband, Bruce Jenner, is actually getting a sex change and she denied it, because sometimes a guy just has to get his throat shaved. But the good news in this is that they asked her if she’d consider posing for Playboy now that she’s single and releasing “sexy” photos of herself in bikinis, and she said that she’s not because, “I don’t think anyone wants to see me without any clothes on.” Of course, she could have just stopped at “me,” but it’s nice that she’s at least ruling out the worst idea of all.

Miley Cyrus Canceled A Show So This Fan Cried On TV (VIDEO)

By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Now claiming that she’s sick on top of mourning her dead dog, Floyd, who was snatched away in the night by a band of coyotes, Miley Cyrus canceled her show in North Carolina last night just 30 minutes before it was supposed to begin. Fans were obviously devastated over the announcement, so a local news team hit the street to humiliate any crying fans they could find, like this poor girl who could barely even speak because she was so upset. It’s hard not to feel bad for her, because now she’ll have to wait to find out what shameless attention whoring looks like close up. But that doesn’t mean she should give up her own dream of working at a mall kiosk and being pregnant three times before she turns 20 like all Miley fans are destined for.

Kelly Ripa Pardons James Franco (VIDEO)

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 1:16 PM

It’s worrisome when the morning talk show bobble heads get confronted with unscripted situations. Like Kelly Ripa and lisping Michael Strahan providing James Franco the forum to cop to encouraging a seventeen year old girl on Instagram to meet him in a hotel room.These teleprompter monkeys off the cuff are more awkward than bringing a honey-baked ham to a kosher pot luck. Based on his deeply furrowed brow, James Franco feels the sting of not being able to hit on teenage girls without the world knowing. Kelly Ripa tells him it’s cool because ‘we’ve all been there’ (we have?), and Michael Strahan tritely says honesty is the best policy as he tries to form a reasonable approximation of an  ’ssss’ sound through his randomly spaced incisors. It used to be when a 30-something actor banged teen girls, we didn’t talk about it until he fled the country or he was killed when his buddy drove he and his Porsche into a tree at 80 mph. In the very least, you had to give Oprah a full hour of tears just to get regal probation. Now it’s forty-three seconds on Kelly and Michael being told you’re a brave man for plowing Scottish high school girls then admitting you do after you got caught. Times have changed. Get off my fucking lawn.

Miley Cyrus Cried While Singing For Her Dead Dog (VIDEO)

By Travis April 04, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Despite reportedly being devastated over the death of her dog, Floyd, Miley Cyrus decided that her shows must go on. Miley has been throwing a pity party for herself on Twitter, claiming that she’s “fucking miserable” about Floyd, and that’s understandable, because life can’t always be the pure bliss of tightly-rolled joints and widely-spread legs. While Floyd died on Tuesday, Miley took a chance to honor him at her show on Wednesday night by singing “The Scientist” (above) and “Landslide,” which Miley claims was Floyd’s favorite. Then, as a final salute to her dog, she shot 21 ping pong balls out of her butthole into the mouth a giant dog costume worn by two exhausted midget dancers. Floyd would have wanted it that way, y’all.

Jon Hamm Was Once On A Terrible Dating Show (VIDEO)

By Travis April 04, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Jon Hamm might be a huge star who walks around in no underwear with his dick flapping in the breeze, but he’s still really no different than the rest of guys in Hollywood, having done stupid, random work before he made it big. A new clip of Jon at age 25 on a terrible dating game show called The Big Date has emerged, and it’s about as awkward and terrible as you’d expect from a totally shitty and stereotypical dating game show. The biggest disappointment about this clip isn’t Jon’s hilariously bad 90s hair or Marc bragging about his stuntman flexibility like he can suck his own dick, but it’s the fact that Jon didn’t just whip his dick out and walk off with the girl. Dating games shouldn’t be complicated. The three guys should measure, and the two losers should be booed and laughed at for the remaining 21 minutes of the show.

Israel Isn’t Cool With Bar Refaeli Banging Puppets (VIDEO)

By Travis April 01, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Israel’s Second Authority for Television and Radio decided that the idea of Bar Refaeli having an orgy with a giant purple puppet and two clones of herself, all in the name of selling clothes, is just too much for daytime TV. The ad for the Hoodies summer collection features a puppet named Red Orbach in a variety of suggestive situations with the Israeli model, and because of the fourway, strip poker and hot tub romp, the prudes decided that the commercial can only air after 10 PM. Because if there’s one thing that a country locked in an eternal holy war with its neighbors should do, it’s keep the eyes of the young shielded from vague puppet fucking references.

Jenny McCarthy And Sherri Shepherd Got Naked For Ratings (VIDEO)

By Travis April 01, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

On yesterday’s episode of The View, Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd closed the show out with a clip of Lena Dunham getting naked on an episode of Girls, because that’s what every person wants to see right before lunch. But because they’re so hip and hilarious, Jenny and Sherri announced that they were taking their tops off, too, because if Lena does it for attention, then they can do it for ratings, too. I bet it totally worked, because guys everywhere must have been dropping everything to tune in to see Jenny’s 41-year old tits behind a black box, instead of googling “Jenny McCarthy Playboy nude” and remembering a time when she was a really hot 21-year old and not that crazy lady trying to murder all of your kids.

Everybody’s Being Murdered In Brittany Murphy’s Final Movie (VIDEO)

By Travis April 01, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Before she passed away in 2009 from a variety of illnesses, poisoned drugs, or a government conspiracy that made her the No. 1 threat to post-9/11 freedom, depending on which theory you choose to believe, Brittany Murphy had one last movie in the can. Something Wicked is a psychological thriller that is finally being released, and the reason for its 5-year delay is either out of deep, immense respect for the late actress, in regard to the fact that it’s all about people being murdered, or because it looks like it was filmed by some college students after they spent 48 hours watching really shitty horror movies from the 90s. Either way, this at least guarantees that people will keep making up wild theories about Brittany’s death, and that’s really the most important thing her family and friends could ever do for her legacy.

Justin Bieber Was Booed At The Juno Awards (VIDEO)

By Travis March 31, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Justin Bieber emerged from a crop of underwhelming nominees to win the honor of Fan’s Choice at the Juno Awards last night, but it didn’t really seem like the fans gave a shit about him. Probably off dealing with his legal troubles, Justin didn’t even bother showing up to the Junos, where he could have possibly issued a statement to the world, like, “I’m sorry for the negative attention” or “Everyone can suck my tiny balls.” But someone named Serena Ryder stuck up for him as she accepted her own Juno Award, telling the crowd that had just booed Justin that she thinks he’s “an amazing musician and he deserved every bit of that award, because he’s been working his ass off his entire life and we need to support how awesome he is.” It’s a shame the crowd used up all of its booing on Justin, because it seems like Serena could have used a little, too.

Samantha Hoopes Is Very Good At Modeling Lingerie (VIDEO)

By Travis March 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Samantha Hoopes was one of the new faces from this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and there is very little doubt that this woman is going to be a star. She recently teamed up with Love Haus Lingerie for a special photo shoot, and she is really quite talented at posing in sexy underwear and looking at a camera. If there was a prize for such accomplishments, I’d strongly recommend that Samantha receive it, because I’ve watched this video several hundred times this morning, and nothing else in the world matters right now. At least until another model makes a lingerie video, which will probably happen any minute.

The Kardashians Are Pissed About This Stupid Sex Tape Spoof (VIDEO)

By Travis March 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Joan Rivers enlisted Ray J’s help to make a spoof of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, because it’s not like he has anything better to do than to continue sucking the dust out of the corpse of the one thing that made him famous seven years ago. But even though it was that sex tape that made the Kardashians stars in the first place, TMZ thinks that all of them are still furious whenever people bring it up, and that’s why Khloe Kardashian backed out on a guest host gig on Joan’s show Fashion Police at the last second. Khloe must have only agreed to do it because it’s an E! show, because Joan has always loved being a bitch to the Kardashians, so this isn’t anything new. But she also probably agreed to do it because it’s on TV, and these girls would hump a pack of donkeys in the center of Tijuana if it meant five more minutes of fame.