By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 11:19 AM
A sports commentator asked female tennis star Eugenie Bouchard to take a twirl and show off her tennis outfit after her match win at the Australian Open. I was slack jaw waiting for the bobbies to arrive on kangaroos and beat the tar out of the old man with the mic. She’s a professional athlete. Just because she has tits doesn’t make her a fashion model. Although, she is a professional fashion model who has a sweet new deal with IMG Models Worldwide. Still, you had no consent for a twirl. Why not just ask her to suck your dick and make you a sandwich, you fucking caveman.
Thank you to Jezebel for your consistency.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt January 22, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
The makers of Fleshlight thought it would be a good idea to find some random Czech porn chick and claim their product is an exact replica of her vagina. If it’s actually true, your company is stupid, an ugly dock whore would have done it for half. Pussy is pussy. Guys who say this are usually losers, except in the case when there’s no face or body attached. Then it’s a definite. This video chronicles the vag model, Eufrat Jai, and her trip to the Spanish factory where her Fleshlights are made as if it were Ted Williams posthumously walking into Cooperstown. She says the following:
“My father told me that women has special present from God, and with our vagina, we can be star.”
Before this gets any creepier I should explain it’s European. The following happens: The manager of the Fleshlight factory tells her he personally uses the assembly line version of her vagina. Then he lubes up the replica and fingers it in front of her. The employees of the factory are forced to pretend they are super psyched to see her in the flesh at the clear risk of being sent back to the olive brining caves. She appears believe this whole orchestration. After listening to this chick speak I’m not sure if I’d rather fuck the real thing or the polymer. Did they pour plaster into her cavities? That’s not a selling point. I’m pretty sure the Fleshlight is STD free. Although that manager is giving me pause. Fuck it. I’ll just beat off normally like a real man.
By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 8:03 AM
Tiger Woods went to watch Lindsey Vonn ski while rocking a creepy skull printed face mask and missing his front tooth. People noticed, because it’s pretty weird and it’s Tiger Woods and he’s fucking Lindsay Vonn. Woods’ agent released a bullshit sounding statement saying the tooth was knocked out by a news camera as he was being crowded by reporters in a tent. If you’re going to slander a certain group, you might to go for the people who don’t report on things professionally and can easily vet your story. Nicola Colli, the organizer of the event, said this:
“I was among those who escorted him from the tent to the snowmobile and there was no such incident.”
He sounds pretty confident. It’s unclear what actually happened, but most dudes don’t like it when they catch Tiger Woods balls deep in their girlfriend after her swing shift at Outback. Woods’ teeth have always looked like they were purchased at a boutique in SoHo and don’t look particularly human. I’m sure he can order a replacement online if he’s not distracted by his bookmarked torture porn while logging on. Woods out.
By Matt January 21, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Greg Plitt, fitness guru and star of Bravo’s short lived series Work Out, was killed by a train he was running in front of when he tripped and fell and the train ran over him. In case you’re not familiar with the laws of physics, you do not want to get run over by a train. Even a model toy train is liable to cause light damage. Plitt often filmed workout scenes at the railroad yard because he loved gritty tough guy stuff and also because it’s free if nobody catches you. At the time of his death Plitt was attempting to outrun the train as it travelled behind him. I’ve you’ve never seen the footing on railroad track it could be described as somewhere between iffy and you gonna die. In contrast, treadmills are pretty safe Should you ever find yourself cranking weights in an industrial yard, you’re going the wrong way.
By way of worthy epilogue: Greg Pitt was a former distinguished Army Ranger and West Point grad. Neither a coward or a dummy, though admittedly not the wisest guy when it came to train stunts.
By Lex January 19, 2015 @ 10:02 AM
Here’s a summary of the producers room for Christina Milian’s E! reality show. Ten hours of silence, followed by some dude in a porkpie hat yelling out, ‘She could get her nipple pierced’. Show one, done. Show two, we accidentally inject Christina with the puss filled urine of a chlamydia patient then film her anxiously waiting by the phone to see if her doctor’s going to let her work the exotic car show in Temecula. Show three, series canceled. Reality television exists only by the same rule that says zombies can’t eat other zombies. It’s an artificial construct so we can have three times the television necessary. There’s no shame in getting paid for your tits, but at some point you ought consider stopping short of mutilation. In my day, you had to travel to Bangkok for that show.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Matt January 19, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Katie Hopkins dubs herself “Britain’s Most Hated Woman” which might be true if enough people noticed. She’s kind of a cockney Howie Mandel with a vagina. At lease that’s what I thought until she recently became a personal hero. Hopkins set out to prove fat people are lazy and all they need to do to lose weight is exercise and eat less. This seems like a sound enough theory but you’d be surprised how many butterbeans with elastic drawstrings will contest this premise until they give up and start wheezing. Hopkins gained 43 pounds in 12 weeks by only exercising enough to make it to the fridge and consume massive amounts of whatever makes British people rotund and toothless.
Then she started eating normally and walking and lost the weight. This pretty much proved her common sense theory correct. Either as a scientific control or just because she’s super mean Hopkins also had four long term fat people eat less and walk with her, and everyone became less fat. Hopkins is now back to her normal weight although there’s something wrong with her face. Science wins again. I find it easier to accept basic truths than your Fat Movement. Take a walk around the block Earthquake.
By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 2:15 PM
Nothing really compares to the pure joy of watching a chick way too old to be a Taylor Swift fan crying because Taylor sent her $1900 to pay off her student loans. Right off the bat, if you’re burdened by $1900 in student loans that indicates ‘some junior college’. $1900 buys you three days at Harvard, and that’s without a tour of all the nearby spots where Mark Wahlberg used to club the foreign born. The out of work journalism majors from Syracuse are going to toss their $50k debt notes at you and laugh you out of their Occupy Wall Street reunions. Really, you couldn’t maybe find a way to raise $1900. I don’t know, maybe a job. Or suffocating a great aunt or something.
I blame mom for filming this. We live in an era when everybody wants their kids’ most base accomplishments splashed all over social media. You’re aware the LIKES might be coming with a muttering of ‘I feel sorry for Barb and her retard daughter’, but still, it’s adulation. In this instance, mom needs to assess the situation a tad bit deeper. This kind of legacy video content doesn’t go away. Let me see, do I want to hire you, Rebekah? I see here you’re an avid Taylor Swift fan who tweets saccharine praise and horrid poetry eighty-nine times a day. Also, oh, here’s you weeping like a baby child when Taylor’s PR firm sent you cash and gifts to shut the fuck up. Welcome to McDonald’s! Grab a plastic apron, I’d expect you’ll be here a while.
By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 1:18 PM
Remember when Jamie Lynn Spears pulled a knife at the Pita Pit over New Years? No, that other time. It’s unclear why the fight started, but you can now see how it ended. Jamie Lynn taking the circuitous route around the counter to grab a kitchen knife. I will cut you like a fucking falafel. Nobody puts Jamie Lynn in a conservatorship. That seemed to simmer everybody down. It’s kind of disappointing that a fight broke out in a Louisiana restaurant and people had to scramble to borrow weapons. You can’t stop a gator with a spackling of baba ghanouj. Uh-huh. I guarantee.
Video Credit: TMZ
By Matt January 13, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
The new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out and predictably shitty. You may as well see this when it opens on Valentine’s Day at a matinee and get it the fuck over with. It’s going to be a thing people talk about. Bring a flask of something strong. If you found Gone Girl too heady you’re in luck. Also if you think shit everyone does in the blue states is edgy you’ll be presently surprised. Turns out people talk dirty. If you haven’t tried it you’re missing out. On the flip side the farmer’s wives are going to pitch a fit once they realize they’ve missed out on dating pricks. If you see any single chicks at the theater go ahead and initiate conversation. Trust me, they’re game. If you can get out of there before the film starts you’re doing well. Save the sarcastic comments for the DVD.
By Matt January 13, 2015 @ 7:04 AM
Boxing sucks. I had not idea Adrien Broner existed let alone owned a few belts. Apparently the Russians are still watching this shit while they prepare to saw off some guy’s arm for not paying his rent. Enough so that Jay Z’s sports agency offered Broner a 5 year $40 million contract and he rejected it. Then he went on a rant against Jay Z and his signed music artist Rihanna which he can most definitely blame on his encephalopothy:
“Jay Z can suck my dick with an elephant tongue… Man, fuck Rihanna. No disrespect, at the end of the day, she gonna give me some pussy and that’s it.”
Probably. Broner has now apologized because that was apparently his best offer. Also someone told him to and he does what he’s told:
“You never invite another man to another man’s private parts. That’s just ridiculous. I was caught up in the moment and I want to apologize to Jay for that. I’m a man at the end of the day. I’m wrong and I can admit when I’m wrong. I never should have said ‘Forget Rihanna.’ I said it in a more explicit way. I’m wrong, I’m sorry. If Jay wants to talk to me, you can get in touch with me and we can talk about it.”
I’m pretty sure street justice involves Jay Z not calling you back. You should have been grateful he even cares about your sport because I know he doesn’t need the money and he’s probably not looking for the headache. Next time someone offers you tens of millions go ahead and take it before they understand their bad decision. Boxing hasn’t been popular since the 80′s and with the price of inflation you just fucking blew it.
By Matt January 12, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Protestors in Canada interrupted Bill Cosby’s Long Winded Story Tour and started chanting “We Believe The Women.” Then they yelled ad hominems and the room became divided between people who are certain Cosby is guilty and those who know for a fact that he’s innocent because he’s never raped them and he’s funny. The statute of limitations has run out on pretty much every single rape accusation so no courtroom or judge or jury full of postal workers and women who used to work in stationery stores will ever determine his legal culpability.
Cosby managed to keep extremely calm in the face of the taunts, with the demeanor one might say of a professional rapist. Or a monk. It’s one thing when an audience heckles you for being unfunny, another when they do so for thirty plus rape allegations dating back to the pre-lunar landing. He’ll have to shut this down at some point and find a hobby that can be pursued from behind the privacy walls surrounding his Bermuda estate. I’d build them at least as high as Jurassic Park. Velociraptors have nothing on righteous chanters.
By Matt January 08, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Comedian Red Grant was on stage doing an impression of Drake at The Comedy Store which entailed dancing nondescriptly to one of Drake’s songs. It is unknown whether he was doing this precisely because Drake was in the audience or if this is one of his signature bits. Drake then got on stage and commented eloquently on the happenings:
“What the fuck impression is that? Who is that shit? That shit is like a Omarion, Chris Brown together shit. That’s not me, man.”
Shit, yeah shit. Fuckin shit is shitty and shit right? Drake actually seemed pretty entertained by the whole thing because it had something to do with him. I’d say for every couple rappers you make fun of on stage there’s an armed assault in the parking lot after the show. You lucked out this time Red, but keep the Suge Knight impression firmly in that back pocket. Fuck it, have a few cocktails and let it fly when you see him. Comedy is supposed to be dangerous right?
By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 6:33 AM
Here’s a pop quiz. Is now a good time to be fucking with the the NYPD? Your answer really depends on how much you look forward to peering down on the protest march in your honor from heaven. Alexander Bok is a dude whose shtick is creeping up behind people and dancing then stopping suddenly when they turn around. The routine is in fact so fucking irritating it has become a staple of Ellen Degeneres’ talk show.
Bok pulled the move on some NYPD and they became really instantly pissed off and aggressive. Maybe it’s because a few of them just got shot. Or maybe it’s because he’s a twat who just happened to have a buddy taping the entire thing on camera. Just in case. The cops eventually pushed him away and he fell in the street in the manner of a Bolivian soccer player hustling for a penalty kick. I wouldn’t mind punching him in the face and I’m a pacifist. Fuck it let’s invade Syria. Whatever gets this asshole off the streets.
By Lex December 30, 2014 @ 9:24 AM
We’ve all had shitty jobs. I once had a job cleaning up vomit. They couched it, but that’s what it was. I’d take that again any day over following a tiny brat around and pretending he’s the shit. Justin Bieber isn’t the world’s worst skateboarder, he’s just the only one that has his entourage set up a perimeter for him outside Madison Square Garden so he can show off his tricks. The dudes on his payroll have to pretend he’s Tony Hawk reinventing the sport. Bieber performs some basic tricks before biting it because his first adult size t-shirt rolls down to his knees. Oh, man, you’re awesome! There it is! Fuck, how do you not want to step in front of every bus that passes?
By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 8:14 AM
Nobody’s really talking about that NYC catcalling video anymore, which means guys blurting out to chicks how nice their ass looks is no longer a problem or people were feigning outrage when it went viral. Perhaps the vegan dudes up in arms realized they had little chance of banging any of the clenched vaginas they were kissing up to. Some guy made a similar video where he puts a dildo in his pants and records women checking out his cock. I’m not sure how this differs from a chick shoving some yoga pants into her ass crack and on-camera shaming the street riffraff who glance in her direction. My hunch is that it is no different. Turns out people are animals who like to fill holes. The chick at Whole Foods with the braided armpit hair would tell me otherwise, but I’m pretty sure she respects that I have an opinion I didn’t read on a pamphlet. I got her number, we’ll see what happens. I’m trying to look for a double standard so I don’t have to support this guy. All I got so far is that dicks are gross and life was better when hardly anybody could afford movie cameras.
By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Bars on Christmas night are an inherently grim scene. It’s the one night of the year when the Good Lord dictates you stay inside and get shit faced with your loved ones. If that means secretly taking pulls off a bottle of Southern Comfort in the top cabinet so be it. The entire point of having a girlfriend over the holidays is so you won’t be out burning the midnight oil in a dive on Jesus’ birthday. Dustin Diamond was with his girl getting lit in the Wisconsin public when some guys probably started making fun of him for being TV’s Screech. In measured response, Diamond stabbed one of them with a switchblade.
Diamond claims he acted in self-defense and that his girlfriend was being attacked. But video taken right before the stabbing shows a premeditating Diamond pondering exactly how he was going to stab someone with his switchblade. Rule number one about switchblades is that people who buy them really want to stab someone with a switchblade. Before Diamond shanked the guy there was time enough for some chick in the background to remark “Holy shit, he’s got a fucking knife!” You’d think that would give one ample time to put the knife back in your pocket and exit the standoff now that the element of surprise is no longer. But then there’s all that inebriated Screech pride boiling up and the pressure to prove to your girl that you’re a man. Please take some time during your prison stint to at least consider your choice of weapons.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 9:38 AM
The Love Magazine month long ode to something that was originally Christmas seems to be pretty much fresh out of ideas. But you still got a few models on the pre-paid tip so you’ve got to keep on firing the cameras. You could’ve just filmed Irina Shayk sucking on her finger behind the local Denny’s. Experimental video is really meant for girls who worry about their reputations. Russian models inherently understand the ‘tits or gulag’ option. Don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be.
Photo Credit: Doug Inglish @ Love Magazine
By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
Professional wrestler Kevin Nash’s drunken Floridian son came home to their Florida home in Florida and started talking shit to his mom and 6’10″ 300 pound dad. Apparently a fight escalated when a belligerent Tristen Nash got a little rough with his mother and Kevin Nash choke slammed him. When police arrived they arrested Kevin, finding him to be the primary aggressor. Then Tristen kept getting physical with his mom and was later arrested, which means Kevin Nash was probably in the right to choke clam his son, marking the first time a choke slam may have been warranted in a domestic holiday setting.
Don’t fuck with your dad. Even if he works at Staples. Old guys are solid and can’t tip over. Regardless how much you bench they’ll still take you down with a backhand if you step too far over the line while seeing white on Bacardi 151. Apply that to your dad being Kevin Fucking Nash and you better sit the fuck down and sober your emo ass up Tristen or next time you’re getting the DDT.
By Matt December 24, 2014 @ 12:06 PM
Since Jay Leno is retired and NBC is no longer providing him the Pfizer blood they pass out to Magic Johnson and Rob Lowe his withered corpse went on Craig Ferguson to talk shit about people since he’s found some balls twenty years too late. The most interesting part was Leno singling out former Bachelorette Trista Sutter as his Least Interesting Guest ever. It’s mind blowing someone could separate themselves and achieve such status on Leno’s show. That’s like spilling an ant farm and finding a really shitty ant in the carpet.
Of course Leno had some great guests. The problem was they were talking to Jay Leno. The issue isn’t necessarily Sutter. She just provided the DNA for this breakthrough. Through a confluence ethereal fate she found a way to shine through the interstellar decay of Leno’s tenure and stand out as more drab than Nicole Richie. If only for a five minute segment, she was a dying star. A Red Giant shining before our eyes. Even though they are fizzling balls of death poisoning the cosmos, they shine brightly for light years ahead. Pretty sure that’s what Leno was talking about.
By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 11:33 AM
After cowering to pressure and refusing to release The Interview ever, Sony’s beleaguered gin stinking CEO Michael Lynton went on a campaign to explain they’d planned to release the film all along and the major theater chains were to blame. Since that didn’t make much sense even to the people who write for North Korea’s State Run News Agency and Vienna Sausage Factory, the film is mysteriously available for release and will be screened at a hand full of independent theaters on Christmas Day.
Sometimes you reap what you sew. After national audiences see this film and report back that it blows, which seems to be the case according to the trailer, Sony will lose out on the These Colors Don’t Run viewership as well as the market of socially submissive people who go to see any film they overheard their cool friend at work talking about. Look for this film to have a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes by the time you’re opening presents. It’s a dog eat dog world. Shit’s real in the streets. You act like a bitch, someone takes your bankroll. Explain this one to the honchos in Tokyo, Lynton, and they’ll tell you the same thing. Also, you’re fired.
By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 9:44 AM
There are only two poses contextually relevant for the Kardashians. The kids naked with a rapper shlong in their bottoms and Mom feigning regret in a mugshot. Everything else is failed artistic interpretation. This disturbing Christmas vignette is an omen of what’s to come now that Lars Von Trier has decided not to be wicked fucked up when shooting his Nazi sex films. The minute any dude with a camera says ‘you and your mom are messed up reindeer dancing sexy in stockings’ you either need to show that freak to the door or negotiate a fat bag of cash. We could pretend the former was even ever considered.
Photo Credit: Doug Inglish @ Love Magazine
By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 7:38 AM
Paula Deen wants to wish you Happy Holidays from the Paula Deen Network, the online channel she started after making enemies with 47 percent of the population. It’s like peering through the window of those weird people down the street with the seven live-in adult children and the patriarch who drives the Rolls Royce. Basically just a lot of getting fucked up and enjoying each other’s company too much until they retire to the basement for some Eyes Wide Shut type shit. They are drinking glasses full of bourbon flavored whipped cream in smoking jackets for Fuck’s Sake. It’s morbidly entertaining. Deen explained she will have creative control over the new network which means not paying for an editor:
“When you’re on a major network, they have the control over what you say, what you do, what you air. And I think my friends want more than that from me. And this way, we can give it to ‘em. We show warts and all. There’s very little editing.”
If you watch ten minutes of this stoned once a week I guarantee you’ll see something you won’t forget, for better or worse. This is the drunk Ed McMahon Tonight Show period, featuring the Jesco White’ Clan with a rolling David Arquette stumbling through the frame. Not Must See, but Must Not Turn Away.
By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
A few pro-corporate System of a Down members sympathize with Sony’s decision not to release The Interview. This has nothing to do with their record label, Columbia, being owned by Sony. System is all about fighting the system, unless its the system providing them that voice. Then it’s better to join the Shareholders and hold hands with Tipper Gore to sensor their own lyrics. John Dolmayan and Shavo Odadjian both repeatedly said they were “On the fence” about Sony’s cowardice. Good. I’m now on the fence about the Armenian Genocide. It’s all or nothing in The Struggle. Your dumb braided beard doesn’t make you a bad ass while you’re sucking The Man’s dick. Get back in the taxi, Shavo.
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:45 AM
A greasy eyed Stephen Collins pulled out Jesus, tears, and the friendly grandpa for his attempted rehabilitation interview with Katie Couric. As a capper, Collins mentioned how an older woman he knew well exposed herself to him repeatedly between the ages of ten and fifteen. He offered this as a partial motivation for him flashing his dick to young girls, even though it’s way different. First of all, one’s a dick and your name is Stephen:
“I did have someone in my life when I was between the ages of about 10 and 15, an older woman, who repeatedly exposed herself to me. And I think that distorted my perception in such a way that some part of me thought … I got the equation of, ‘Well, this isn’t so terrible. This person who I trust is doing it.’”
Pretty sure the prepubescents you tried to fuck with didn’t high five their buddies or jerk off to the experience until their first mortgage. If you’re fifteen and any chick of reproductive age is showing you her junk you thank God and move on.
This is one of those double standards we can all agree on. On top of being a fucking pedo creep you may have thrown this charitable woman under the bus. Leave her out of it. There are ninth graders walking around in cheap husky jeans right now with raging hard ons who don’t have a chance. Last thing they need is the batty neighbor lady with the good pot making CNN’s news cycle. Good work, Stephen Collins, you just raped the rest of us.