Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.
I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.
Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.
It only takes a few minutes of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain drug induced bathroom home movies to understand why both of them tried really hard to die, one being more generally successful. If you can get past the blistering sore covered body of Cobain, you bear witness to a wife that watched Sid and Nancy and saw Nancy as the soft spoken heroine. Not heroin. Can you really become so fucked up on drugs before death that Courtney Love seems like a good idea? I’m pretty much shit-faced by four cocktails so I only make short term bad decisions that are usually over with by the next morning. This kind of Taliban poppy shit just inches you closer and closer to the airplane propeller which you mistake for a cool breeze. Jesus, somebody make it go away. I’m writing a thank you card to all the women I’ve ever been with for not being pock marked and completely unglued. Chick who lit my favorite sneakers on fire because I showed up late one evening without calling, I’m sorry. You were relatively awesome.
I’m not sure what the Standard Industrial Classification Code is for okay looking chicks with big hooters but there are more Americans employed in this sector than industrial manufacturing. Some day the Chinese will figure out how to make blond girls with big fake tits and that may change, but it’s 2015 and we still dominate this niche. We’ve seen Lindsey Pelas bounce her tubes while jogging before. In this thoughtful followup, she’s portraying jungle girl, the comic book character Aquaman will transform into once he becomes fully gender aware. If she loved her country, she’d remove her top. There’s no room for demure in the jungle.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.
Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!
The principal and founder of a charter school in Georgia got herself in a pickle for calling out ‘black families’ for leaving the school’s graduation early. Nancy Gordeuk founded the TNT Academy in Stone Mountain, Georgia on the inspired notion that you can make good money by providing a social promotion academy for struggling public school kids if you can come up with a super cool name. Gordeuk inadvertently informed the graduation audience that the ceremony was over before the school’s valedictorian gave his speech and quickly hustled to the microphone to call everybody back into the auditorium. For good measure, she threw in a good taunt ‘look who’s leaving early, all the black families’ under the working theory that no publicity is bad publicity. Her school has previously been investigated by Georgia school officials for not conspiring hard enough to cheat on standardized exams like the other schools in the state. Pretending public school works in an urban environment is a team effort. Ultimately, Georgia should consider abandoning primary education and going back to what has worked for them better in the past, folksy wisdom and subsistence living. Nothing wounds like expectations.
Thanks to modern cell phone technology, we get a glimpse into what’s really been going on at Rihanna concerts. Rihanna calls up to the stage some untold line of male and female fans to grab her tits while she grinds on their pubes. Even in a decent sized venue you’ve got a good shot at Rihanna riding your privates until you front soil your shorts. I’d pay seventy bucks plus another twenty to Ticketmaster for that. I pay more at the local gentleman’s club and the girls working me over don’t own eight Grammy’s. This is like he local skate shop selling dank weed out of the back. You want business to be good, but not too good. Mediocre skate product is your best cover. Well played, Rihanna. I call next.
There are predictable ancillaries that come with underaged boning a rapper. Smoking dank and eating biscuits is a given. The illegitimate baby and the melancholy of HSV to follow. Kylie Jenner recently discovered Snapchat to detail the special moments in her life. Like hopping into a car in between flights to go grab some Popeyes with Tyga. Is there anything more endearing than young romance? Kylie filmed herself mumbling what sounds like I’m high as fuck and eating the biscuit, because, in a reverse of the primitive beliefs of the Native Americans, a Kardashian believes her soul will actually disappear if she’s not on camera. It might. It’s amazing how consistent the behavior is among teenagers with cash, free time, and zero adult supervision. Fucking, drugs, beach vacations, and social media documentation of the fucking, drugs, and beach vacations. That’s what Kim was doing with Ray-J prior to him covering her in fame ten years ago. Maybe time really is a circle rather than a line. Or these girls might just have brains wired similarly for whoredom. Hawking would probably know the answer. It’s no wonder dad wants his own vagina. This looks like fun.
Social media isn’t for self-important rejoinders or even for Al Qaeda to plot taking over another piece of barren shitscape for Allah, it’s about tits. Large, full, and ripe. Make them bounce. Instagram video was launched with Justin Bieber stoned and sneering at the camera. Now it’s this. Evolution is happening. Wake up. You’re going to miss something wonderful.
The Cleveland Cavaliers made a tone deaf spoof video for fifty bucks in which a dude and his special lady are dancing in the kitchen until he finds out she’s a Bulls fan and body slams the shit out of her. In the next scene she has converted to Cavs fandom and has an ice-pack on her head in a display of submissiveness. The moral of the story is domestic violence is dirty, but ultimately pretty effective. This has predictably outraged a lot of people. Mostly professional production crews who could’ve made a decent video for just a few hundred bucks more, but also feminists and their more rational neighbors who have a negative view of spousal abuse and sports.
You should know if you hire what appears to be an actual wife beater to star in your cheap video and it’s devoid of irony, people are going to have a problem. Not a problem like getting their teeth knocked out by their alcoholic husbands. Those women are shit out luck. We’re focussing on a professional basketball team here. Sure you could donate money to a variety of charities aimed at helping those in need, but as always feigned Twitter outrage requires burning less calories. The highways that take you into Cleveland also take you out. Everybody is there by choice. Judge accordingly.
A Czech teacher has been fired because one of the parents of her students discovered she had made a porno and after beating off to it until his dick was blue, turned her in to the principal. The teacher remains unnamed because she clearly values privacy. The video shows the 35 year old rubbing oil on herself and then getting railed by a dude with an impressive rod. The teacher issued an untruthful statement, but what’s important is I can now describe her genitals in detail:
“I was looking for an extra job and I found some advertisement looking for toned figures for a photo shooting. I thought it was for underwear. I think they drugged me with cocaine. I am sure that something was there. My behavior was changing and I felt very relaxed and comfortable. I would not be able to do something like this in normal circumstances.”
Yeah I guess someone drugged your drugs with more drugs. Creepy dudes on the fringe of the porn industry have a hard enough life without having to deal with your baseless accusations. If you’ve done cocaine you know it doesn’t really affect your decision making, it just makes the bad ones more fun. It doesn’t make you suck the cameraman’s dick if you’re filming a Dominoes commercial. I’m calling bullshit. Mostly on the school. What a lady does in her private time is nobody’s business. Except the director and the camera crew and the dude balls deep inside her. Cross your fingers on the substitute.
Cleveland Cavaliers forward Iman Shumpert made an amateurish rap anthem for the team’s upcoming playoff push and was immediately slammed by rap critic Charlamagne Tha God, which is a pretty easy gig because almost all rap sucks now. Charlamagne thinks basketball players should stick to basketball and underage call girls, and has no qualms about sharing his viewpoint with his unemployed listeners:
“It’s garbage. He needs to focus on his defense and not his rapping. LeBron doesn’t even tweet in the playoffs, and he’s making rap songs? The best motivation he could provide for his team is getting in the gym.”
If Shumpert listened to the advice from guys named Charlamagne Tha God he’d be foleying rooster calls for some sweat pants wearing slob’s morning radio show. Your name is Charlamagne Tha God. You have no authority to criticize anything ever and you’re embarrassing your mother. If Cleveland is eliminated from the NBA Playoffs there will send a message to executives around the league. Don’t sign players who like rap music. A Flickr photo album would’ve sufficed.
Miss Missouri USA seems to be one of those titles they give you before you make a bunch of bad decisions in your life. It’s like being named Best Couple in the high school yearbook. There’s a strong likelihood he is now an unemployed musician and you’re dancing off the baby weight at a joint off the interstate. I’m pleased to see Amber Seyer in lingerie with a teddy bear close to her crotch. It’s the international symbol for who among us gets to live their dreams besides astronauts. This chick managed to marry MLB pitcher Barry Zito who was professionally disappointing to the tune of $140 million, so she’s probably doing this just for fun. It looks like fun. Especially if you imagine away loss of hope in her eyes.
Earth Day is to celebrating environmentalism as Christmas is to celebrating Jesus. Lots of getting drunk at office parties and hooking up, very little genuflecting. There are a few Luddites who live in trees or drive Burger King grease cars because they believe life was better in the old days when cars ran on Burger King grease. At least the trees weren't crying. Some reasonable percentage of the world considers themselves environmentalists, some minuscule fraction of those are willing to eliminate modern conveniences to make a dent in threats both real and perceived. Environmentalism quickly devolved into a dick measuring contest of who pretends to care more.
The natural cycle is we invent shit that makes life better, byproducts from this advancements become onerous, and we address reducing the downsides. We've sacrificed a shitload of innocent critters working on cures for cancer. Indians are wheezing on smog but finally have pots to piss in. Particulate matter is bad, dysentery is worse. My refrigerator has a star on it because it meets EPA guidelines for a fucking star. I haven't made a joke about global warming being conveniently renamed climate change in over a week. I once believed a girl when she told me lambskin condoms were just as safe. It's Earth Day. Ask a dead seal pup for forgiveness and turn your thermostat to a pointless setting. We're all living longer, healthier lives. None of which will matter when the succulents come to kill us in our sleep.
Former basketball player and current NBA commentator Reggie Miller has trouble speaking coherently. It’s not a big deal if you’re fixing pipes or answering phones for Comcast but when your job is to literally run your mouth or hours on end it can present a problem. He often has trouble with basic conjugations, which is typical of ESL people who have immigrated to the United States. Miller is from Riverside though. He tends to toss in a few dozen extra propositions and clauses into each sentence. I once saw him order Animal Style at an In and Out Burger. They had to close the franchise.
Miller’s latest thing is he says “No pun intended” after making generic statements which are in no way puns. He will say things like “That was a difficult shot, no pun intended.” There is then an awkward pause while his broadcast partner waits to see if he’s going to shoot himself. There is a fine art to puns. It’s called no using them. Miller’s halfway there. A little Rosetta Stone and kicking this habit should be a slam dunk.
We don’t get many coherent letters. J.R. noted we have had lousy tits today so why not show the leaked Batman vs. Superman trailer. I have no good answer for rhetorical questions. Best guess is a Peruvian on $5 Insanity busted into a screening room and captured the trailer on his cell phone. He was later arrested and sent to the soccer stadium you don’t come home from. The trailer was supposed to come out Monday, but tech nerd is the new strong so it was inevitable this shit would get pilfered early. As a summary, two hot brooding dudes in capes and latex wrestle until one surrenders. If you can’t wait a year for the movie to come out, visit the gayest bar in your vicinity on any given Saturday to witness the same in a cage. Take that, Taliban. We win.
ABC is teasing the shit out of the upcoming Diane Sawyer sit down with Bruce Jenner. It’s pretty much all they’ve had since Lost went off the air. They’re in danger of dropping below Oprah’s Fat and Fatter Channel in viewership. They blur out Bruce Jenner in the promos as if the aired interview is going to show him looking like an intoxicated Judy Garland struggling through My Funny Valentine. It’s just a ponytail. Jenner’s choice to become a woman is going to inspire so many women trapped inside Olympic decathlete gold medalist’s bodies to get their own Diane Sawyer interviews. You’re either on the right or wrong side of history. No matter how you feel about Jenner’s decision, you have to support him. I mean, you actually have to. It’s the law.
Dennis Quaid blew up on the set of some shitty movie he was shooting presumably because Josh Brolin had the part in the movie he really wanted. Quaid was apparently pissed because when you shoot a film for a community college film program you occasionally have people on set who don’t know what they’re doing. The tirade seems fake but you have to realize Quaid is related to his fugitive brother Randy and mental illness runs in families if not passed down by spoons full of boiled Clorox and needles. If indeed a spoof on Christian Bale’s similar freak out on the Terminator set a few years back this is kind of funny. Although Bale is an actor and Dennis Quaid plays a subservient man bitch in most of his Lifetime movies. He’s treading on Andy Dick status where you act like an asshole and people will just smack you in the mouth or threaten to fire you instead of kowtowing to your horse shit. It’s not worth all the paperwork. How are you a key grip and you can’t hold your iPhone sideways? I call bogus.
Madonna joined Drake on stage at Coachella and kissed him on the mouth, causing him to gag and wretch and talk to Jewish Jesus and then immediately go get his dick sucked by a nineteen year old pixie dust spreader. The whole scene is bizarre. As Madonna is kissing him he starts flailing his limbs around like he’s being raped by a toothless hillbilly. Madonna for her part announces her own name like she’s a pro wrestler and walks off stage with her old lady buns hanging out of her stripper attire. Drake’s public relations people are now spinning that he was just grossed out by her lipstick and not being involuntarily tongue jabbed by someone older than his mom but not as good looking. When dudes are repulsed by you making out with them it’s time to hang up the Road Warrior lingerie. You just ruined Coachella’s trending popular line graph. Bake a pie and call it a day.
Somebody who counts the money decided it was time to get Kylie Jenner working the Snapchat pole. The teen reality star with the ‘some sixth grade’ education used her first snap video to film herself putting her hand down her sister Kendall’s pants. This is either obscene or by far the best fifteen seconds the Kardashians have produced since Ray J doubled down on the OTC lotion. Snapchat videos are supposed to self-destruct after ten seconds so parents and the god you pray to can never see them, but that technology also took about ten seconds to hack and figure out how to store and save. Kylie noted on her Snapchat that she’s now taking a temporary break from the app to study the works of Kant, or possibly grab some fro-yo and get knocked up by her platonic older male friend, Tyga. With her days free, she could probably squeeze in both.
Kate Upton didn’t ask to be a blond buxom model making bank and dating pro athletes, but there you go. Her drive to not be seen as a sex object is matched only by the speed at which she accepts cash so men can splash jizz onto grandma’s best carpet thinking about her in a bikini. Upton’s latest historical revision involves a claims that she chastised creepy Uncle Terry for releasing the Cat Daddy bikini dance video of her onto the net, ensuring she’d be super famous in Borneo within seconds.
[Kate Upton] told Vogue UK in a new interview that she was horrified to see the minute-long video of herself dancing while wearing an extremely small bikini go viral, in part because she thought it had just been filmed for fun and wouldn’t be seen by anyone who wasn’t at the photoshoot. “That was disrespectful, you could have told me!” the 21-year-old said she told photographer Terry Richardson
Terry Richardson is known for two things. Being super fucking creepy and sharing the shit out of every photo he’s ever taken. If he’s keeping any media private, it involves Romanian orphans being fucked to death by bears wearing tiny hats. Shots of your jiggling tits are not going in the storage locker. You don’t need to lie about who brought you to the dance, Kate. Flash your tits, point to the imaginary scoreboard, and we’ll gladly give you our money. I don’t remember the last five Kate Uptons slogging us through this same guilt trip.
Cornell’s Assistant Dean Joseph Scaffido is accepting of other cultures and beliefs in the progressive tradition. Even terrorists who are into beheading children and Death to America. Someone made an undercover video where they asked him if ISIS would be welcome on Cornell’s campus:
“Maybe we could get like a freedom fighter to come and do a training camp for students?”
At this point you have to figure you’re being trolled. You might even want to reach for that protractor in your drawer and tell security to check the bridges. Scaffido said there’s no need to worry, terrorists are free to train at Cornell so long as their Toyota trucks sport a Coexist bumper sticker:
“You would be allowed to do something like that, it’s just like bringing in a coach to do a training camp on a sports team or something.”
A coach would be banned from campus if he yelled at the power forward and he complained to his therapists. When people say they’re big on diversity, try them out on Thanksgiving dinner invites for 2nd Amendment diehards. They mean superficial diversity, trust me. Don’t send your kids to Cornell unless you want to breed an annoying radical terrorist with a gluten allergy. These beards are itchy.
This chick is Portuguese which makes her the perfect model to be leading a fast food restaurant push into Mexican themed burgers. The Thickburger El Diablo has raw jalapeños, deep-fried jalapenos, and a slathering of groundwater scum collected from an alley behind an Ixtapa area Futbol Club. It’s authentic. Your colon will bleed in both directions. Apparently it’s all the rage among hot chicks in ice hotels frequented by Nordic metrosexuals. The screams you here in the frozen outhouse are just pain leaving the body. Drop a deuce for the devil. You are free, mi amigo.
A Filipino dad moved to the U.S. and started directing his preschool aged children to play with toys on camera for his YouTube channel. Nothing novel until millions of people started watching the videos daily. I’d blame it on the pedos, why not, but they simply don’t fill enough ranks to explain the views. This perversion runs far deeper. It’s that disturbing trend of women immersed in other people’s offspring. It starts with a few Likes for baby photos on Facebook photos and the next thing you know you’re up to seven hours a day watching kids you don’t know jumping into urine soaked shopping mall playpens. You know you should stop, but you can’t. You could call your sponsor, but she’s watching too. It’s just so damn delicious.
The genius family in question chooses not to share their last names, which is smart, since several hundred unstable fat women with knives want desperately to live with them. The dad says he’ll take in $1.5 million in video revenue this year, second only to YouTube itself which will take in about 800 billion times infinity exploiting kiddy home videos. The family is buying cars and homes and of course saving up college funds for whichever ones of their kids haven’t killed themselves by eighteen. Two out of three seems a safe estimate.