By Matt July 21, 2014 @ 2:24 PM
North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.
Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.
With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 1:18 PM
Nicole Scherzinger is proof that you don’t need to be good at a lot of things to be successful in life. Just pick one good one to master. Hitting a dimpled ball into a cup and having a crazy fine ass are two I’d recommend to boys and girls respectively. Not that girls can’t play golf too, but unless you’re a lesbian nobody is going to talk to you in the locker room. If you’ve got a great ass, you’ll never be lonely.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 09, 2014 @ 6:37 AM
The producers of The View allowed Jenny McCarthy to lie about leaving the show on her own terms. Her hiring was unpopular, her contributions to the show pure lesbian fake glasses shat, and her departure hurriedly arranged. She was like New Coke, if New Coke had tasted like unfunny vagina. While the locks were being changed on her dressing room, McCarthy used her last show to deliver some self serving bullshit:
“After much consideration, I’ve taken a new job that will allow me to do what I do best, which is talk without having to interrupt anyone.”
McCarthy didn’t mention any specifics about her new job. I can imagine getting married to the less successful Wahlberg and re-introducing whooping cough to the infant population of the Western world is work enough. I can’t believe I used to masturbate to this woman, although she did used to talk a lot less.
By Lex June 30, 2014 @ 12:44 PM
Robin Thicke has spent the better part of the past four months singing love songs to Paula Patton who left him because he dry humped Miley Cyrus on camera then started sleeping with the couple’s joint masseuse off camera. There were probably other issues as well, like Robin wearing vests and sunglasses for no obvious reason. Ever since the breakup Robin’s been living the extended version of John Cusack in Say Anything except that he’s hoisting the boom box blasting his own crappy love songs. Every awards show or appearance is another opportunity for Robin to beg his wife to take him back. Robin’s composed so many new doleful ballads, he’s putting out an entire album next week cleverly titled, ‘Paula’. I’d like to think this is some cynical genius marketing ploy to sell fourteen new sorrowful tracks to chubby women who take long baths, but that’s only because I inherently refuse to believe any man can be such a pussy. At some point, Robin will be arrested for crooning love songs while sniffing his wife’s panties out of the hamper in the house he broke into. Until then, expect a new album of love-loss every four to six weeks.
By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 3:53 PM
You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fucking need em
Take em out the hood, keep em looking good
But I don’t fucking feed em
First time they fuss I’m breezing
Talking bout, what’s the reasons
I’m a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Truer words have never been spoken. Jay Z and Beyonce are working out their marital problems to the tune of half a million a night this summer. Let’s get divorced, but not until we are flush. Then I”ll revenge kick your sister’s ass and we go our separate ways. That’s a fucking plan. I like the fact that Beyonce can really sing and does really have a nice ass. It’s like finding a supermodel who understands how to play tic-tac-toe to a draw every time. Marry that woman. Then let the rest of watch her shake her sweet jolly on a scaffold.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex June 25, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
Even though Ava Sabrina London concludes her Hank Baskett erotic tale by casually noting Hank left her $500 just because, I’m willing to play along with this whole ‘mistress’ nomenclature. Hank, or ‘Steve’ as he called himself on that fateful day, found Ava through her YouTube site which naturally led to Ava inviting Hank over to her condo to see her dick tucked into her bikini. I’ve contacted a few YouTube video creators before, none of whom invited to their house to see them in bikinis. I feel kind of gypped. I probably should’ve said my name was Steve
For the sake of posterity and the children, Ava and her she-cock decided to give a tell-all interview to the National Enquirer recounting the twenty minutes she spent with Hank Baskett back in March. Her mistress story plays like a super creepy rape case deposition. I touched his penis, then he touched mine, then he touched my breasts, then we stopped because he came. Jesus, Hank, you are a romantic. The average time for a tranny hooker to spill her guts for cash about a celebrity encounter is about 48 hours, depending on if her crush fetish porn roommate knows the number for TMZ or RadarOnline or not. Sexual compulsion is a powerful bitch. So too is Kendra. Hank, you’re about to discover the backside sensation you would’ve felt if you’d stuck around Ava’s for another twenty minutes.
Photo Credit: Ava Sabrina London
By Lex June 20, 2014 @ 9:51 AM
You may recall that Kristy Althaus was booted from the hallowed halls of pederasty pageant land when somebody leaked her paid appearance in a cinematic venture of a barely legal nature. The Flashdance Town Council immediately stripped her of her Miss Teen Colorado runner up status and twenty bucks worth of gratis Avon products. They also scrubbed her very existence from their website like an orthodox Jewish family destroying every known photograph of their son for marrying a girl who enjoys sex. Now, in a shocking development, somebody who looks, sounds, and sucks exactly like Kristy Althaus has been discovered in a brand new adult video. It looks like Kristy did one porn video, and when The Man took away her ability to make money legitimately, she went back into porn. I wish to fuck I had a duh-duh-duh sound effect. This wasn’t really a story until somebody sent the new porn tape to Gawker and Gawker used lots of exclamation points in their headline.
I wish America would care more about the no name girls who find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle of pornography and sex for hire. And to assure such care, I wish they video documented all the better looking girls on transferable mp4 files on a poorly secured file server. The greatness of a nation and its moral progress should be judged by the way its porn stars are treated.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 8:00 PM
I hate to think that Putin won at anything, but, damn, that Sochi opening ceremony spectacular made Communism look amazing. Brazil has spent eleven billion on the World Cup, but most of that went to buy ring pops for the City of God gangsters for their promise to reduce tourist kidnappings by sixty-percent in June. The opening ceremonies today looked like the kids decided to put on a play to save Mrs. Beasley’s civic garden from being rolled. I’m pretty sure they just picked up a truckload of vendors selling kebabs down by the beach, slapped a leftover Mardi Gras costume on them, and told them to dance like Amy Grant. Then the showstoppers came. Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull. Nothing says Brazilian pride like a a Puerto Rican and a Cuban getting stuck on a rising stage platform that jams right out of the box. I hope somebody kept their Amazon return label.
Ultimately, the World Cup is about sport. Just like Sochi, shoddy infastrcture, crappy field conditions, and Johnny Weir dressed like Anderson Cooper’s mom couldn’t take away from the majesty of the competition. Soccer fans could give a rat’s ass if a couple stadium sections collapse and tens of thousands perish. You riot, kill a few government officials, and you move on. The Olympics are just two years away and there’s lots more ring pops to buy.
By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 1:53 PM
The guy who wrote Justin Bieber’s recent apology for Justin’s racist joke that got leaked in a video forgot to mention there might be more coming. Apparently, 14 to 15 was a trying age for Justin, when he was exploring his musical roots, learning to adjust to newfound fame, and trying to set the Canadian record for dropping N-bombs on camera. In this latest ditty seen on TMZ, Justin inserts the n-word in place of girl as he parodies his own shitty song, One Less Lonely Girl and adds a verse about joining the KKK. According to completely objective explanation from Justin’s publicity team, Justin himself wanted these ugly clips released to the public because people who had them were extorting him with the threat that the racist label wouldn’t look so good appended to the end of his spoiled asshole miniature twat douchenozzle reputation. According to these same sources, Justin told Usher long ago about the existence of these video clips. When Usher found out, he took Justin into a private room to show him historically racist videos to drive home the hurtful nature of prejudice and hate speech. At least, that’s what people assumed was going on when they heard Usher yelling ‘don’t you close your eyes, bitch!’ and Justin crying from behind the locked door for thirty long minutes.
By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
FHM decided to underwhelm Maxim’s hottest woman in the world unspectacular with their very own hottest woman ever in the history of mankind list. People just love lists, at least when they have their mobile phone with them on the shitter. FHM chose Rachel Stevens, a former British pop singer who looks a lot like Jewel and used to lip-synch crappy songs with horrific dance moves. She’s not bad looking and she spends her free time bringing clean water to North African children who otherwise have to drink slightly moistened sand. How could you not love her? FHM brought in a group of top British scientists to regression analysis their hottest woman votes of the past 20 years. Rachel Stevens name came out on top. I believe these are the same British scientists who concluded that fluoride is a pointless mineral and that Harry is somehow biologically Charles’ son. FHM’s once mighty British print magazine is circling the toilet right behind Maxim, with circulation down 85% since their heyday last decade. I’m not good with math, but I think once you’re down 100%, they come and take the furniture and change the locks. That will be a sad day, or what they call in Britain, Wednesday next.
Photo Credit: FHM
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Charlize Theron is about to become a widespread target for outrage and hate after she compared what us nosey shitheads on the Internet do to rape. A reporter for Sky News asked her what it’s like to know that if you Google her name, the results are stories about her and Sean Penn or what she wore to an event instead of the movies that she’s in or charity work that she’s performing. She responded that her “saving grace” is that she doesn’t ever Google her name, but when people do search their names or read the stories about them, they “feel raped.” It’s a stupid comparison, sure, but piling on is pointless, seeing as the almighty “How dare you” army of Twitter is already at her door with torches and their flags of loneliness. Fortunately, if it becomes too overwhelming, Sean can distract everyone by acting like a huge asshole, and then go on to win an Oscar.
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Let’s take a moment to check in with Courtney Stodden and her hilariously fake tits, as they’ve all turned to a web series to continue her quest to beg America to make her a star. On the latest episode of Courtney Naturally, her mom Krista stopped by to share childhood pictures with everyone. Old pictures? Mom, you are so embarrassing! Seriously, stop reminding the few thousand people who watch this shit that your daughter was once a normal, cute teenager with a bright future. Courtney is a full-grown woman now, already divorced from a guy more than twice her age, and rocking a set of fake tits that would make most porn stars say, “That’s a little much.” Oh Courtney, you’re so normal and open, how are you not an A-list movie star already?
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Mariah Carey decided that instead of simply attending the Fresh Air Fund Salute to American Heroes Gala last night in New York City with her tits hanging out like she normally would, she’d make an adventure of journey to the event, and share it with everyone on Vine and Instagram. Her idea of humor seems to be sexually-transmitted from her husband, Nick Cannon, who is about as funny as a dozen babies in a wood-chipper, because she thought it would be a trip to put on her tit-revealing gown and take the subway and a cab to her big event. But along the way, to prove what a pair of huge tits of the people she is, she stopped to let normal people compliment her on her gown, because she’s really just like the rest of us, except much wealthier and locked into a fake marriage that nobody believes is real.
By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Serial red carpet asshole Vitalii Sediuk has tried to “prank” some of Hollywood’s biggest stars in the past, having shoved his face in Bradley Cooper’s and Leonardo DiCaprio’s crotches at movie premieres to the delight of no one, and Will Smith even slapped him in the face for trying to kiss him. Last night, at the premiere of Maleficent at the El Capitan theater, Vitalii reportedly broke through a barrier and rushed past security guards to hit Brad Pitt in the face, which sounds like a terrible idea. Of all of the pampered, lipstick-covered asses of celebrities that you could try to take a swing at, Brad seems like one of the few guys who might try to go punch-for-punch. It sounds fun in theory, but you have to remember that Brad’s security guys will be holding you down while it happens, and that’s how you end up with an Oscar statue in your butthole.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Forgive me for not being plugged into whatever Love and Hip Hop is or knowing who some guy named Benzino is, but fans of the show and the star will be pleased to know that he was kicked off his plane on Sunday for acting like an asshole. According to TMZ, the flight attendant simply asked Benzino about the seat he was in, when the guy blew up and started shouting, “Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you” and more at everyone in his path. And right before he exited the plane, Benzino threw a good, “You’re a fucking racist” in there for good measure, because that’s really the best way to buy public sympathy and make sure everyone is on your side.
By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Lily Allen is a tough one to figure out, because there are times that she comes off annoying and strange and there are other times that she’s funny and sexy. This Instagram video from yesterday is a perfect example, because she’s dancing and shaking her hips in nothing but a pair of Spanx and an arm bra, which is great because topless girls are one of the world’s most important treasures. But then she’s also singing along with a Drake song and using a dumb voice, and that’s disappointing because it takes away from the joy of hoping that she’s going to move her arm. I guess what I’m trying to say is we’re not thankful enough for the mute button.
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By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Justin Bieber is back from walking around shirtless in Cannes and getting lap dances from Paris Hilton, so he hit up New York City yesterday to unwind by showing off his skateboarding skills. Of course he was shirtless while skateboarding, because when you’re as ripped and tatted up as he is, you need all the bitches walking by to see that hardcore attitude and respect the cock. Then, when you have everyone’s attention and you want to lay down your final point that you’re the toughest mother fucker on the planet, you land a sick ollie off a short ledge. That’s when the whole world will know that those ridiculous and fucking stupid baggy shorts are really hiding the biggest dick in the world.
By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
With her emotionless, boring acting, Kristen Stewart has always been perfect for an artsy, foreign Cannes Film Festival movie like Clouds of Sils Maria. In her latest role, she plays a young woman attracted to her older boss, who is an aging actress appropriately played by Juliette Binoche, and I guess they’re lesbians or something, because they touch each other’s faces and are pissed off at each other for something involving Chloë Grace Moretz. The only reason this is interesting is because it features Kristen in a thong in bed, and this is suddenly the most important she has been since she was sleeping with her Snow White director.
By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Everybody seems to love Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young and attractive and has no problem acting like an idiot, all in the name of being quirky and zany. She’s also an Oscar winner, so that bought her a few years of invincibility when it comes to behavior that would be considered really fucking annoying if pulled off by a lesser celebrity. So everyone’s just eating up her witty anecdote that she revealed to Seth Meyers on Late Night last night, about the time that she was at an Oscars after party and she threw up in front of other famous people. Even Miley Cyrus told her to get her shit together, which is really the ultimate sign in knowing that you’re acting like a complete asshole.
By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Angelina Jolie sat down with morning show munchkin George Stephanopoulos for an interview on Good Morning America, and after they talked about her latest role as that lady in the movie and how she inspired women all over the world to pay more attention to their breasts (and health), he asked her if she’d changed her mind at all about the possibility of running for office. Angelina has long maintained that she had no interest because she doesn’t think that a woman who used to make out with her brother and carried a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood on a necklace would be taken seriously. But if she knew that she could make a difference, she said, then it’s very possible that Angelina could end up getting into politics. Best of luck to her in whatever she decides to do, but I’ll just keep watching Gia instead.
By Lex May 21, 2014 @ 6:54 PM
By the time Lea Michele’s lyrically auto-tuned out ‘my heart’s too drunk to drive’ you already know her new pop ballad On My Way to You is headed straight for five stars on your iTunes killer seventh grade summer party playlist. This is the same music video where Lea’s smallish boobs kept falling out of the various swimsuit tops she wears in the video. I can’t remember if this is one of the every songs on her new album that represents her emotional comeback after driving Dead Cory Monteith to choose heroin over pay-per-view porn in his Vancouver hotel room. It certainly should be. When she starts humping that door and singing about bad love, you know she’s not just speaking about her own experiences, she’s talking to all of us with randy gay model boyfriends and United Colors of Benetton friends who frolic in the street. Fuck, I watched this twice. Where do I go to get my balls back?
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Not since the Fox reality dating series Joe Millionaire has something so fucking stupid made its way onto network television (probably an exaggeration), but I Wanna Marry Harry is finally here to make the rest of the world believe that Americans are as dumb as they think we are. On this new series, 12 female idiots are brought to England for what they think is the chance to win Prince Harry’s heart, because if there’s one thing that the royal family would let Harry do, it’s star in a reality series on Fox. Some of the girls introduced in last night’s debut episode seemed a little skeptical, openly questioning the validity of the guy who clearly isn’t Prince Harry, but will that stop them from acting like petty hookers who wouldn’t saw off their own pinkies for a chance at trading sex to join the monarchy? No. Absolutely not.
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.
And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.