By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 2:29 PM
There’s really no better way to show the courts that you’re a fit parent than to spend the Thanksgiving holiday banging a porn star in your Cabo hotel room. It screams good daddy. I guess you could make it worse by Tweeting all about it like Charlie Sheen did, reminding people that while his TV shows and children may be taken away from him, they’ll never get his money or his coke or his Brazzers pussy. I think there’s something noble about that but I’m still trying to figure it out.
You can see some of Brett Rossi’s acting talents above (it stops before the boffing, just fyi), or see the few moments she and Charlie left their hotel room over the long weekend below. Or, you can just wonder to yourself if you could yell out the name ‘Brett’ while having sex and not feel at least a little gay.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 19, 2013 @ 5:11 PM
I don’t know why so many of you sent me this video. I’ll take it as a compliment on my obvious manhood that you thought I could objectively evaluate a Japanese game show where a gay man is given forty minutes to blow a straight man into ejaculation. The premise itself is intentionally ludicrous. First off, who takes forty minutes to jizz. I don’t care if it’s Scarlett Johansson on her knees, or this chubby oral Samurai, there’s no good reason to spend more than five minutes percolating. Presumably, you’ve got a life to lead. Second, not that I’d want to see it, but why the hell would you have a blow job game show where you can’t see the blow job. Don’t go half-gay, Japan. That’s why you’ll never be America.
By Lex November 19, 2013 @ 1:56 PM
This really is a Pretty Woman type fairytale. Tati Neves has been squatting on a lot of broke dicks, just waiting for the magical tool to lift her out of Brazilian sex worker obscurity. Along comes angry little lesbian Justin Bieber with a spray paint can in one hand, his stuffed animal comfort monkey Mr. Dithers in his other, demanding he be satisfied for two hundred Canadian dollars. Now Tati Neves is the toast of the town, the talk of sex trade Broadway. Photo shoots, interviews, Bieber-hired Amazonian assassins trying to kill her with poison tipped blow darts. It’s all happening for Tati Neves, brothel worker, former porn starlet, and current vagina d’ jour.
Here’s the Oscar worthy opening minute of Tati’s adult film work when she was booked as Emanuele. You can see this girl was destined to be a star. It’s like watching a young Meryl Streep. So powerful in her vulnerable quiet moments.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 6:30 PM
This is Canada. If you can’t handle a fat guy checking you into the boards, you don’t belong in politics. Take that, prim and proper old Toronto City Council woman voting to strip Rob Ford of his office powers simply because he likes to drink a little, maybe smoke some crack, and chow down on his wife’s comely crotch. Rob Ford and his weirdly identical Council member brother are not to be taken lightly. They’re not going to let some chick named Pam relieve Rob of his power to run Toronto like his personal shooting gallery. Body blow. Body blow. Knock her out. This is precisely why America finally needs a fat slob President. Skinny put-together people are boring, methodical fucks.
By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 8:37 AM
Watching Lady Gaga perform over a pre-recorded track on SNL was a valuable lesson in why you should never utter shit aloud like ‘Well, this can’t get any worse.’ Because that’s the Candyman call for R. Kelly to appear and start getting it on with fugly trainable Cousin It. When Gaga pretends to blow R. Kelly and swings her sock puppet face back toward the camera, I fucking said it again. Next think you know, they’re humping on the floor. Then I shut the fuck up because I knew next would be R. Kelly calling Gaga a beautiful woman as he relieved himself on all her tattoos.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex November 14, 2013 @ 5:57 PM
You know all those jackasses that whine about politicians never telling the truth. You don’t want to know the truth, not when it comes to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford who just says whatever the hell is on his mind. He could be the first honest politician, or maybe it’s just the crack talking, but in his latest, Ford decided to tell the press that he never went down on his former staffer, as she alleges. Not because she didn’t have a tasty muff, mind you, but because he’s getting ‘plenty to eat with his wife’ at home. You see, Rob Ford is a traditionalist when it comes to pussy eating. He’s also wearing a Toronto Argonauts jersey, the local sports jerseys being the last most desperate measure of a politician facing the hangman’s noose. I bet I know what his last meal will be.
By Travis November 14, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Justin Bieber’s reps claim that while the singer was performing in Argentina on Saturday night, the teenage girls in the crowd were throwing a lot of items, including bras and panties, at the stage. At one point, though, someone seemed to throw something that looks a lot like a flag at Justin’s feet, causing him to use the mic stand like a broom to push it and another item from the stage. Naturally, people might be furious that he’d desecrate their flag like that, and TMZ says that his reps say it’s all a misunderstanding.
Meanwhile, people in Argentina should be more upset that this guy will fuck prostitutes until the Brazilian sun comes up, but he won’t use his hand to pick up their flag.
By Travis November 13, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
At a random ceremony in the Bronx, attention-deprived pop star Lady Gaga unveiled her latest stupid fashion design, “VOLANTIS,” which she claims is the world’s first flying dress. What VOLANTIS actually is would be better described as a hilariously dumb one-person helicopter with a harness shaped sort of like a white dress. Even more accurately, it could be referred to as a flying death trap that will undoubtedly get someone killed, maybe even Lady Gaga herself. And I imagine that Lady Gaga’s funeral would just be a complete mess since there’d be no one to tell people when they should clap.
By Travis November 11, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
After her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, Miley Cyrus claimed that she made history because she wore a very revealing outfit while grinding on Robin Thicke’s crotch. So how did she follow that up at the MTV Europe Music Awards last night, aside from wearing a dress that honored Biggie and Tupac? She lit up a joint while accepting her award for Most Unoriginal “Shocking” Behavior, because the show took place in Amsterdam and what better way to tell people how edgy you are than by smoking pot in a city where people 10 feet away from you in any direction are guaranteed to have better drugs than you? Hopefully someone then offered her a needle and she’s currently passed out in a dumpster outside a whorehouse.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis November 08, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Back in September, InTouch magazine introduced us to Ashley Horn, Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister, because after finding out that Michael Lohan is her real father, she decided to get some plastic surgery to make her look like Lindsay “when she was around 18, 19 years old.” Those words are in quotation marks because she said them to InTouch, which ran a bunch of pictures of her posing to show how little she actually looked like Lindsay. But now that Ashley realized that literally nobody on this planet gives a shit who she is, she’s trying to set the record straight.
In an interview on last night’s episode of whatever the hell The Trish Goddard Show is, Ashley claimed that not only did she not have plastic surgery to look like Lindsay, but she also took a polygraph test that proved she didn’t. And then, as her good name was cleared, two or three dozen desperate, lonely old women cheered for this brave, young girl as she sort of looked into the camera and spewed some more ridiculous bullshit.
By Travis November 07, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
This random video doesn’t explain much of anything, other than even in Brazil, people are still assholes and don’t turn their cameras sideways. But it’s spreading like gonorrhea in a Brazilian whorehouse because people think this girl is one of the prostitutes that Justin Bieber took back to his hotel room last week. Still, there are so many questions, like why does this guy need to pay for sex? Why didn’t this girl secretly film herself having sex with him? Is she even really a prostitute? I’m afraid we’ll probably never know the truth, since I assume that she’s dead. Not because she took this video, but because of anything else that happens in Brazil.
Edited to add: pictures of the prostitute, Tati Neves. Though for the purposes of Brazil not filing a complaint with the United Nations, let’s call her a World Cup greeter.
Photo Credit: Tati Neves/Facebook
By Lex October 30, 2013 @ 12:29 PM
Last week the reality family took over AT&T Park to formalize the procreation process between Kim and Kanye, now Magic Mountain theme park just north of Los Angeles to celebrate Kendall’s 18th birthday. The place can run about 25,000 visitors on a good day. On a trashy night, about ten Kardashians plus Justin Bieber’s friend Lil Twist who was passed out on the floor of one of the family Range Rovers. Everybody got to celebrate the day upon which the State of California will recognize that certain of Kendall’s for-profit talents are now fully lawful. As Kris Jenner calls it, Opportunity Day. the day Kris will sit Kendall down and tell her the story of the Great Fork in the Road. How one path leads to Kim, pointing to Kim with Kanye surrounded by paparazzi and bags of gold coins, and how one road leads to Khloe, pointing to the hoodied Wookie alone on the park bench trying to eat a caramel apple from the inside out. Then mom and daughter will share a knowing laugh as mom hands Kendall a Sony handycam and reminds her that Vegas hotel room lighting can cast unflattering shadows, so keep that mug pointed toward the sheets.
By Travis October 30, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Corey Feldman is talking to just about any media outlet that will have him right now so he can promote his new book, “Coreyography,” which details, among other things, his claims that he was molested by some of the biggest names and wealthiest people still working in Hollywood. For example, during his interview on McGraw Live this week, Corey said that the police once came to him to investigate his claims, but all they cared about in their “witch hunt” was getting information on Michael Jackson, the one man that Corey says never molested him.
He also told the screaming orc beasts on The View that the men who fondled him when he was as young as 13 are still out there, and now he wants to take them down. Adding, “Unless they have some work for me, in which case, fondle away.”
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis October 29, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
“Women love jewelry,” is what Candice Swanepoel said of this year’s $10 million Fantasy Bra while describing in this behind-the-scenes video what it’s like to wear such an incredibly expensive piece for the upcoming Victoria’s Secret fashion show. “No shit,” replied men everywhere, as they listed the number of things they’d need to receive in return for spending even 1/100th of that amount on a jewel-encrusted bra. And while I’ve only gathered a small percentage of the lists, the collective No. 1 seems to be “A blowjob from Candice Swanepoel.”
By Travis October 29, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Katy Perry performed her hit song “Roar” for a crowd of her fans at the Sydney Opera House yesterday, which isn’t noteworthy because the song is just the same old, cookie cutter pop crap that we’ve come to expect from her and the rest of her kind, right down to the fact that she’s singing, “I’ve got the eye of the tiger” like she wrote it. But as I was sitting there wondering why I was watching more than 4 minutes of her breathlessly pandering to children, she started jumping rope (around 2:45) and suddenly became the greatest performer of her generation. It’s remarkable how an opinion can change so quickly when a woman starts bouncing up and down.
By Lex October 25, 2013 @ 4:19 PM
Hollywood seems to be rebooting pretty much every 80′s movie at this point. This Pippi Longstocking redux seems to contain a lot more cock than I recall in the first go-round. Also, I don’t remember Tami Erin moaning quite so much when being chased by pirates. The actress said at one point she was going to make sure she never let this tape get out to the public. Oops. She also said she was being filmed without her knowledge. It’s unclear what she thought her boyfriend was holding in his hands and pointing a bunch at her and his dick. You’d think a girl who can lift a horse with one hand would be wise to this shit.
If you’re into seeing Pippi get banged pretty solidly, you can purchase the full uncensored sex tape HERE.
By Travis October 22, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Former porn queen Jenna Jameson was a guest on Good Morning New York yesterday to promote her new book, Sugar, and it’s safe to say the interview didn’t go too well. From her introduction, Jenna just looked completely out of it and sounded like a drunk toddler, and viewers weren’t the only people who noticed, because the show’s hosts delivered the perfect expressions of “What fucking drug cocktails is this lady on?” Needless to say, the interview was cut very short because of Jenna’s behavior, but she clearly didn’t realize it, and I’m sure if you ask her how it went, she’d ask, “What interview?” and then accuse Tito Ortiz of trying to murder her for a minute before falling asleep standing up.
By Lex October 21, 2013 @ 3:48 PM
If you had Kanye and Seattle for who and where the Christian Messiah would make his reappearance, you win a copy of the Yeezus album and a blow job from Kim Kardashian, or two copies of the album if you prefer. Kanye’s been getting ever heavier into his Jesus complex, taking it to the next level with an appearance from the Lamb of God onstage. It’s not exactly clear what the two talked about, but presumably Jesus thanked Kanye for saving the world in his absence, and Kanye thanked Jesus for helping him become rich and famous and getting crazy pussy despite being only a moderately talented fellow really into booties.
By Travis October 16, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
It was only a matter of time before Avril Lavigne and her husband and Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger fulfilled their threat to release a duet, and yesterday was the big day with the unveiling of their new music video for “Let Me Go.” The easiest way to describe this video without using terms like “the music industry’s death rattle” or “Canada’s invention of aural warfare” is to tell you to imagine what it would sound like if Chad Kroeger wrote a song for Nickelback and Avril Lavigne sang it. I know, that’s pretty vague, but trust me that it’s 100% accurate.
By Travis October 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Being a pop star is no easy task these days, as the majority of music’s biggest artists not only sing their hits to crowded arenas full of screaming fans, but they also dance while they do so. Just ask Selena Gomez, who took a scary tumble while performing during her Star Dance tour in Virginia recently. Fortunately, the singer was okay, as a fan helped her avoid any further injury before a security guard was able to get to her. But as a true testament to Gomez’s signing talents, she never stopped performing her song and her voice didn’t even crack or change as a result. Amazing how that worked out.
By Travis October 11, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Paris Hilton is currently making the media rounds to promote her new single, “Good Time,” which is an autotuned, paint by numbers dance song that will probably be a hit because people have awful taste. But yesterday she reminded everyone that she can still be a pretty big bitch if you cross her, as she called a morning radio show host a “Fucking asshole” when he asked her about the sex tape that made her famous, while failing to actually ask her about her terrible song, according to the Daily Mail. On one hand, she was probably right to lash out at the guy, but on the other hand, the song is really fucking terrible.
By Travis October 10, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
After their little Twitter feud last week, Jimmy Kimmel welcomed Kanye West on his show last night so they could clear the air about the rapper’s grievances with the talk show host’s decision to parody his recent interview with BBC One. For the most part, the interview went pretty well, but it basically came down to Kimmel apologizing for a harmless joke and then Kanye busting out several rants about the lack of privacy for celebrities, all in the name of them proving that this wasn’t a publicity stunt. All I know is that if this happened 20 years ago, Tupac would have shot Kimmel’s stammering ass. Get your shit together, Kanye.
By Travis October 09, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
For Snoop Lion, doing a Hot Pockets commercial is common sense, because with the amount of weed that guy has smoked in his lifetime, it’s only natural that he’d be putting his name behind one of the greatest late night stoner snacks out there. But Kate Upton? This is probably a bad idea, because there are already so many people who like to call her fat, so between this and that Carl’s Jr. commercial she’s either being paid out the ass, just mocking everyone or giving them more ammo than they’ll ever need. Or probably a little of 1 and 3. Maybe next time she should just consider endorsing salad.
By Lex October 04, 2013 @ 2:32 PM
I think I must be getting old, because I’m starting to appreciate women in lingerie teasing the camera. There goes the promise I made to myself never think of a woman in any clothing, short of the high school cheerleader I was certain would let me take her in her uniform one day. I’m not sure she ever even knew my name though I’m quite certain she could tell by my smiles in the hallway that I was committing a sin of commission to thoughts of her. Fuck it, I’ve overshared. Here’s Kelly Brook teasing her 2014 calendar by writhing around in see-through lingerie. So if you’ve got the time or inclination, you can see her nips.