Remember when so-and-so died and then we all wished somebody had recorded his collective wisdom before he vanished? I’m not letting that happen with Kylie Jenner. Don’t believe the glossy tit bunny on parade public persona. This seventeen year old self-educated author and marketing savant is working her deep thoughts on the down low. You have to dive into her late night snapchats to get a true sense of Ayn Rand meets Emily Dickinson meets the escort who fucked Elliot Spitzer then turned in his bad check because whores think poorly. Get your shine on girl. The sperm bucket moniker isn’t a weight, it’s a catapult.
Maitland Ward dressed up as a green Star Trek character to attend Comic Con. It’s odd aliens look exactly like humans except they’re green or wear a headband as their sunglasses or a shoe on their head. While her behavior would not be noteworthy on face value, she also made a video and posted a series of photos where you can see her genitals. I think redheads are probably the devil’s henchmen and should be avoided at all costs but these are pretty hot. Think porn but less assne. Ward did the same thing last year and probably got fucked by a klingon on the changing table of a public bathroom. I’ll never be able to look at Boy Meets World the same way again. Meaning I’ve never watched it and will continue that trend. Nice asshole.
The Wright Brothers didn’t take flight on their first attempt. It took decades from Kitty Hawk flops before bored business travelers were getting loaded and scrumping in the lavatories on the way to O’Hare. Chelsea Handler is committed to staying relevant by posting herself topless to Instagram then having her photos removed for violating no chick nipple policies. Whatever equal rights advocates originally stood behind her, they’ve all since abandoned ship realizing this actually isn’t what Elizabeth Cady Stanton would be doing if she were alive today. Chelsea Handler is in real danger of becoming a topless chick nobody turns to look at. It’s the most heinous of fates.
Florida State quarterback De’Andre Johnson is following in his predecessor Jameis Winston’s footsteps by becoming a violent petty criminal. Johnson punched a chick in the face at a bar. Allegedly. Also there’s a super clear video of it. To be fair she punched him first after he pushed his way past her to the bar, but she’s a pixie dust spreader and he’s an elite athlete. Keyword being was, as Johnson has been suspended from the team indefinitely and is facing misdemeanor battery charges. It’s Florida so nobody’s bothering to question why a kid at nineteen is in a bar acting like Colin Farrell circa 2004.
If we are to ever truly have equality among the sexes it makes sense you should be able to punch someone back when they punch you. However there are some double standards I’m fine with. Maybe a teacher’s aid. Not a future NFL player. I’m not about to start caving in people’s faces in the name of liberation. Also, having a vagina doesn’t let you punch people with impunity. Wait maybe it does. Four more years.
Like most social activists, George Takei runs entirely off moral certainty and blind rage. That goes for both sides squeezing in on the middle who don’t give a fuck and mostly just want to know how Steve Harvey is still working. After the Supreme Court ruling telling redneck states they have to let dudes marry other dudes, Takei called dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas a ‘clown in blackface’ which is kind of a gay way of saying an Uncle Tom. It seems offensive to suggest that a real black man would have to support the Constitutional rights of gay men and women because of their own minority status. It’s also kind of wrong. Both because that’s not how the Supreme Court works and even if it did, black Americans are among the U.S. demographic groups least supportive of legalizing gay marriage. This makes Takei an ass, though he did fake apologize:
I owe an apology. On the eve of this Independence Day, I have a renewed sense of what this country stands for, and how I personally could help achieve it. The promise of equality and freedom is one that all of us have to work for, at all times. I know this as a survivor of the Japanese American internment, which each day drives me only to strive harder to help fulfill that promise for future generations.
Takei went on for several more paragraphs of rationalizations, excuses, and calls for attention to his own plight just to ensure his apology wouldn’t cost him his LGBT Vegas Players Club Card. If he’d just stopped after the first four words, he might’ve had it. It’s not that every civil rights activist is an intolerant self-righteous douchbag, it’s just that most are. You’re not special, Sulu. You’re one of us.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. Women can have it all these days. Money, cock, pussy. the good weed, social media likes. Miley Cyrus just announced she’s bisexual as part of her movement to join every edgy progressive label possible with only upsides and no work. She’s already making out with a Victoria’s Secret model outside her trailer on music video shoots. I don’t know what to say. I’d rather fuck Stella Maxwell than Patrick Schwarzenegger as well. I don’t need to spend any more time in the 24 Hour Fitness Men’s Locker Room to know that I decidedly prefer the sight and smell of women. Miley, we should hang out. Shot for shot on some Old Grand-Dad and hook up with some JuCo chicks who don’t know any better. if we strike out, we could fuck each other. I mention that out of convenience. I’m super angry at my parents too.
I don’t know much about soccer other than it’s super popular in nations with poorly funded rec centers. You need lots of dirt and lots of malnourished kids to run eleven marathons in an effort to score one single fucking goal so everybody can go search for unattended scrap metal. Women’s soccer is the same, only by definition forty-percent less interesting, which places it on par with watching your balls air dry. The only way to truly fail at this sport is by accidentally knocking the ball into your own net. Do not fucking accidentally knock the ball into your own net. There’s an urban legend about a Columbian soccer player who did this in a big match and was shot to death five days later. Only, it’s not urban legend. It happened during the Word Cup in 1994. That’s Andres Escobar below. He dead.
England defender Laura Bassett accidentally booted a ball into a perfect shot on her own goal in the World Cup that gave WWII Imperial Japan the win in stoppage time. Don’t ask me what the fuck stoppage time is, just know you play through it. Everybody’s first thought was, fuck, Bassett just cluster fucked the British Empire. Their followup move was to rush to her defense and pretend she bears no blame. But nobody buys the no blame bullshit when children are weeping in the streets. Somebody has to be strung up. It’s Bassett. She’s fucked. She’d be wise shave her head, pack a duffel with essentials, and flee to poverty-stricken Sri Lanka. Soccer’s big there, naturally.
Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.
I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.
Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.
It only takes a few minutes of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain drug induced bathroom home movies to understand why both of them tried really hard to die, one being more generally successful. If you can get past the blistering sore covered body of Cobain, you bear witness to a wife that watched Sid and Nancy and saw Nancy as the soft spoken heroine. Not heroin. Can you really become so fucked up on drugs before death that Courtney Love seems like a good idea? I’m pretty much shit-faced by four cocktails so I only make short term bad decisions that are usually over with by the next morning. This kind of Taliban poppy shit just inches you closer and closer to the airplane propeller which you mistake for a cool breeze. Jesus, somebody make it go away. I’m writing a thank you card to all the women I’ve ever been with for not being pock marked and completely unglued. Chick who lit my favorite sneakers on fire because I showed up late one evening without calling, I’m sorry. You were relatively awesome.
I’m not sure what the Standard Industrial Classification Code is for okay looking chicks with big hooters but there are more Americans employed in this sector than industrial manufacturing. Some day the Chinese will figure out how to make blond girls with big fake tits and that may change, but it’s 2015 and we still dominate this niche. We’ve seen Lindsey Pelas bounce her tubes while jogging before. In this thoughtful followup, she’s portraying jungle girl, the comic book character Aquaman will transform into once he becomes fully gender aware. If she loved her country, she’d remove her top. There’s no room for demure in the jungle.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
Kim Kardashian journeyed to the desert to find herself and let a bunch of dudes paint her and photograph her naked. Fucking peyote. Sorry, I mean, fucking big fat stack of cash. Kim explained how this particular project fits her goal “to be nude and do all this cool stuff”. When pressed on what she meant by all this cool stuff, Kim admitted she really just meant being nude some more. We need to get Kim into the cryo-chamber for 2327 when zero intelligence ironically turns out to be the only force capable of thwarting artificial intelligence. Mindless giggles will neutralize Skynet. All hail, Kim. We only paint racing stripes on the tits of our heroes.
Photo Credit: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” E!
The principal and founder of a charter school in Georgia got herself in a pickle for calling out ‘black families’ for leaving the school’s graduation early. Nancy Gordeuk founded the TNT Academy in Stone Mountain, Georgia on the inspired notion that you can make good money by providing a social promotion academy for struggling public school kids if you can come up with a super cool name. Gordeuk inadvertently informed the graduation audience that the ceremony was over before the school’s valedictorian gave his speech and quickly hustled to the microphone to call everybody back into the auditorium. For good measure, she threw in a good taunt ‘look who’s leaving early, all the black families’ under the working theory that no publicity is bad publicity. Her school has previously been investigated by Georgia school officials for not conspiring hard enough to cheat on standardized exams like the other schools in the state. Pretending public school works in an urban environment is a team effort. Ultimately, Georgia should consider abandoning primary education and going back to what has worked for them better in the past, folksy wisdom and subsistence living. Nothing wounds like expectations.
Thanks to modern cell phone technology, we get a glimpse into what’s really been going on at Rihanna concerts. Rihanna calls up to the stage some untold line of male and female fans to grab her tits while she grinds on their pubes. Even in a decent sized venue you’ve got a good shot at Rihanna riding your privates until you front soil your shorts. I’d pay seventy bucks plus another twenty to Ticketmaster for that. I pay more at the local gentleman’s club and the girls working me over don’t own eight Grammy’s. This is like he local skate shop selling dank weed out of the back. You want business to be good, but not too good. Mediocre skate product is your best cover. Well played, Rihanna. I call next.
There are predictable ancillaries that come with underaged boning a rapper. Smoking dank and eating biscuits is a given. The illegitimate baby and the melancholy of HSV to follow. Kylie Jenner recently discovered Snapchat to detail the special moments in her life. Like hopping into a car in between flights to go grab some Popeyes with Tyga. Is there anything more endearing than young romance? Kylie filmed herself mumbling what sounds like I’m high as fuck and eating the biscuit, because, in a reverse of the primitive beliefs of the Native Americans, a Kardashian believes her soul will actually disappear if she’s not on camera. It might. It’s amazing how consistent the behavior is among teenagers with cash, free time, and zero adult supervision. Fucking, drugs, beach vacations, and social media documentation of the fucking, drugs, and beach vacations. That’s what Kim was doing with Ray-J prior to him covering her in fame ten years ago. Maybe time really is a circle rather than a line. Or these girls might just have brains wired similarly for whoredom. Hawking would probably know the answer. It’s no wonder dad wants his own vagina. This looks like fun.
Social media isn’t for self-important rejoinders or even for Al Qaeda to plot taking over another piece of barren shitscape for Allah, it’s about tits. Large, full, and ripe. Make them bounce. Instagram video was launched with Justin Bieber stoned and sneering at the camera. Now it’s this. Evolution is happening. Wake up. You’re going to miss something wonderful.
The Cleveland Cavaliers made a tone deaf spoof video for fifty bucks in which a dude and his special lady are dancing in the kitchen until he finds out she’s a Bulls fan and body slams the shit out of her. In the next scene she has converted to Cavs fandom and has an ice-pack on her head in a display of submissiveness. The moral of the story is domestic violence is dirty, but ultimately pretty effective. This has predictably outraged a lot of people. Mostly professional production crews who could’ve made a decent video for just a few hundred bucks more, but also feminists and their more rational neighbors who have a negative view of spousal abuse and sports.
You should know if you hire what appears to be an actual wife beater to star in your cheap video and it’s devoid of irony, people are going to have a problem. Not a problem like getting their teeth knocked out by their alcoholic husbands. Those women are shit out luck. We’re focussing on a professional basketball team here. Sure you could donate money to a variety of charities aimed at helping those in need, but as always feigned Twitter outrage requires burning less calories. The highways that take you into Cleveland also take you out. Everybody is there by choice. Judge accordingly.
A Czech teacher has been fired because one of the parents of her students discovered she had made a porno and after beating off to it until his dick was blue, turned her in to the principal. The teacher remains unnamed because she clearly values privacy. The video shows the 35 year old rubbing oil on herself and then getting railed by a dude with an impressive rod. The teacher issued an untruthful statement, but what’s important is I can now describe her genitals in detail:
“I was looking for an extra job and I found some advertisement looking for toned figures for a photo shooting. I thought it was for underwear. I think they drugged me with cocaine. I am sure that something was there. My behavior was changing and I felt very relaxed and comfortable. I would not be able to do something like this in normal circumstances.”
Yeah I guess someone drugged your drugs with more drugs. Creepy dudes on the fringe of the porn industry have a hard enough life without having to deal with your baseless accusations. If you’ve done cocaine you know it doesn’t really affect your decision making, it just makes the bad ones more fun. It doesn’t make you suck the cameraman’s dick if you’re filming a Dominoes commercial. I’m calling bullshit. Mostly on the school. What a lady does in her private time is nobody’s business. Except the director and the camera crew and the dude balls deep inside her. Cross your fingers on the substitute.
Cleveland Cavaliers forward Iman Shumpert made an amateurish rap anthem for the team’s upcoming playoff push and was immediately slammed by rap critic Charlamagne Tha God, which is a pretty easy gig because almost all rap sucks now. Charlamagne thinks basketball players should stick to basketball and underage call girls, and has no qualms about sharing his viewpoint with his unemployed listeners:
“It’s garbage. He needs to focus on his defense and not his rapping. LeBron doesn’t even tweet in the playoffs, and he’s making rap songs? The best motivation he could provide for his team is getting in the gym.”
If Shumpert listened to the advice from guys named Charlamagne Tha God he’d be foleying rooster calls for some sweat pants wearing slob’s morning radio show. Your name is Charlamagne Tha God. You have no authority to criticize anything ever and you’re embarrassing your mother. If Cleveland is eliminated from the NBA Playoffs there will send a message to executives around the league. Don’t sign players who like rap music. A Flickr photo album would’ve sufficed.
Miss Missouri USA seems to be one of those titles they give you before you make a bunch of bad decisions in your life. It’s like being named Best Couple in the high school yearbook. There’s a strong likelihood he is now an unemployed musician and you’re dancing off the baby weight at a joint off the interstate. I’m pleased to see Amber Seyer in lingerie with a teddy bear close to her crotch. It’s the international symbol for who among us gets to live their dreams besides astronauts. This chick managed to marry MLB pitcher Barry Zito who was professionally disappointing to the tune of $140 million, so she’s probably doing this just for fun. It looks like fun. Especially if you imagine away loss of hope in her eyes.
Earth Day is to celebrating environmentalism as Christmas is to celebrating Jesus. Lots of getting drunk at office parties and hooking up, very little genuflecting. There are a few Luddites who live in trees or drive Burger King grease cars because they believe life was better in the old days when cars ran on Burger King grease. At least the trees weren't crying. Some reasonable percentage of the world considers themselves environmentalists, some minuscule fraction of those are willing to eliminate modern conveniences to make a dent in threats both real and perceived. Environmentalism quickly devolved into a dick measuring contest of who pretends to care more.
The natural cycle is we invent shit that makes life better, byproducts from this advancements become onerous, and we address reducing the downsides. We've sacrificed a shitload of innocent critters working on cures for cancer. Indians are wheezing on smog but finally have pots to piss in. Particulate matter is bad, dysentery is worse. My refrigerator has a star on it because it meets EPA guidelines for a fucking star. I haven't made a joke about global warming being conveniently renamed climate change in over a week. I once believed a girl when she told me lambskin condoms were just as safe. It's Earth Day. Ask a dead seal pup for forgiveness and turn your thermostat to a pointless setting. We're all living longer, healthier lives. None of which will matter when the succulents come to kill us in our sleep.
Former basketball player and current NBA commentator Reggie Miller has trouble speaking coherently. It’s not a big deal if you’re fixing pipes or answering phones for Comcast but when your job is to literally run your mouth or hours on end it can present a problem. He often has trouble with basic conjugations, which is typical of ESL people who have immigrated to the United States. Miller is from Riverside though. He tends to toss in a few dozen extra propositions and clauses into each sentence. I once saw him order Animal Style at an In and Out Burger. They had to close the franchise.
Miller’s latest thing is he says “No pun intended” after making generic statements which are in no way puns. He will say things like “That was a difficult shot, no pun intended.” There is then an awkward pause while his broadcast partner waits to see if he’s going to shoot himself. There is a fine art to puns. It’s called no using them. Miller’s halfway there. A little Rosetta Stone and kicking this habit should be a slam dunk.
We don’t get many coherent letters. J.R. noted we have had lousy tits today so why not show the leaked Batman vs. Superman trailer. I have no good answer for rhetorical questions. Best guess is a Peruvian on $5 Insanity busted into a screening room and captured the trailer on his cell phone. He was later arrested and sent to the soccer stadium you don’t come home from. The trailer was supposed to come out Monday, but tech nerd is the new strong so it was inevitable this shit would get pilfered early. As a summary, two hot brooding dudes in capes and latex wrestle until one surrenders. If you can’t wait a year for the movie to come out, visit the gayest bar in your vicinity on any given Saturday to witness the same in a cage. Take that, Taliban. We win.
ABC is teasing the shit out of the upcoming Diane Sawyer sit down with Bruce Jenner. It’s pretty much all they’ve had since Lost went off the air. They’re in danger of dropping below Oprah’s Fat and Fatter Channel in viewership. They blur out Bruce Jenner in the promos as if the aired interview is going to show him looking like an intoxicated Judy Garland struggling through My Funny Valentine. It’s just a ponytail. Jenner’s choice to become a woman is going to inspire so many women trapped inside Olympic decathlete gold medalist’s bodies to get their own Diane Sawyer interviews. You’re either on the right or wrong side of history. No matter how you feel about Jenner’s decision, you have to support him. I mean, you actually have to. It’s the law.