Have you heard about this ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that’s going around? Gwyneth Paltrow scratched her noggin and invented a way to raise money for charity while looking like a cool mom in her sensible bikini. Better yet, she nominated her ex-husband Chris Martin to take the challenge, along with her dear friends A-list actress Cameron Diaz and famed celebrity designer Stella McCartney. It’s great how she and Chris remain friends and how happy she is that Chris is dating the hotter younger bigger titted version of herself. Also, how she fills the charity breach like, well, like the North Star of friends. If Gwyneth Paltrow got any more amazing, we’d have to come up with even more radiant nicknames. I bet we could.
Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.
Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!
I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.
“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”
The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.
Kurt Paschke punched a chick in the face during a fight at MetLife Stadium last season. He’s been banned from attending games until October 12. Paschke claims he hit the woman accidentally while he was engaged in the trashy bridge and tunnel tradition of scrapping with some random townie Pats fans. Paschke apparently does not feel too bad about punching the chick and offered up a few bizarre excuses and retarded rationalizations. He also equated his suspension from MetLife to that of actual NFL players:
“You have football players, like Ray Rice, who beats up his wife for no reason other than a drunken argument — he gets a two-game suspension.”
Ray Rice might be more valuable to his team than the toothless fans who spend their kids school supply money on nosebleed seats and scream racial slurs at him. Besides being a lifelong New York Jets fan, Paschke also kind of stabbed a guy to death and served time. After completing a fan conduct course and apologizing Paschke will be allowed to return to games after his suspension. Being a convicted killer and punching women in the face is not grounds for a lifelong ban, like, say, trying to park in the season ticket holder lot. Be forewarned, if you happen to be a member of ISIS in Syria, you’re going to have to do a one-hour slide show on not blocking people’s views with your Death to America signs before you’ll be allowed to attend any Jets games.
While we’re decades past the era any news outlet is going to wait an entire several days to get an accurate story to report, maybe they could say something like ‘First! But, yeah, we are wrong 89% of the time.’ My crappy reporting is more accurate than cable TV news outlets and I don’t even try. Really, I don’t try at all.
Video surveillance released today shows the dead Ferguson teen, Michael Brown, described by friends and family as made of 100% warm and fuzzy and on his way to college, was actually the 6’4, 290 pound dude muscling a tiny convenience store owner in a petty robbery. Darren Wilson, the officer who shot Michael Brown, had no idea that Brown had just robbed a convenience store. Which fills in a nice missing piece for why Brown might have reacted violently to the police officer who was trailing him and telling him to get over to the sidewalk. A convenience store robbery certainly puts your Harvard chances at risk.
None of this has anything to do with asshole cops, racist cops, tanks in the streets, the justice system bias against minorities, civil rights, lady justice, or why the Raiders are allowed to still be an NFL franchise. It’s just another turd on the modern state of journalism. You can’t hold your turds in. You’ll end up like Elvis.
The Chicago Blackhawks responded to an online petition urging them to make their intermission show way less fun. Between periods, The Blackhawks select random fans to play Shoot The Puck, where you try to score a goal to win considerably mediocre prizes. They often pick good looking girls in heels to Shoot the Puck. Its funny to watch a chick in stilettos amble on ice and if you’ve got two minutes to please the mostly male crowd, why not pick the hot girl.
The petition calls for women of ‘All body types’, meaning fat, fatter, and comfortable with my curves, to be selected for the contest. The petition also demands that female members of the short skirts wearing Ice Crew start dressing like Boo Radley and be generally less sexually attractive. The revolutionaries also want the organist to stop playing a song called ‘The Stripper’, because it’s by its very nature offensive to people who hate fun. Finally, the petitioners want more non-fat frozen yogurt options at the concessions so they can pretend they’re dieting.
The Blackhawks have responded to the petition by pledging to put an end to The Stripper and to consider the other requests. This may not seem like a big concession, but it’s farther than the Native Americans got when requesting the hockey team stop using their sacred heritage to promote a sport invented by Canadians. This is because fat women are multiplying like Chipotle locations as the Native population ever dwindles. The income disparity between the BBWs and the Navajo is immense. These ladies will stop at nothing to make us pretend they are exactly like slender women, minus the exercise and self-control. Soon the Hawks will host a Positive Body Image Night where everyone will applaud as Rubenesque women drink liquid fudge out of the Stanley Cup. That’s actually kind of hot. I’d go to that. If they played The Stripper.
Megan Fox went on Conan and told him his spirit animal is a llama. Some show prep producer mocked up a convoluted astrological chart for Fox to stumble through so the audience could laugh while imagining fucking her. Megan Fox likes to talk about shitting and farting and other boner killing conversation because she knows she can’t actually kill your Megan Fox boner. Fox is excellent at playing the dumb. This isn’t because she’s completed a character workshop with the Groundlings, its because Fox is legitimately an idiot. Having a conversation with her is akin to the feeling you get when a three year old gives you a sloppy watercolor painting. It sucks but you smile and pat them on the head. With Fox, you might try for a tit.
Fox’s handlers have essentially given up on hammering home talking points and instead just bank on people being amused by her idiotic spectacle. She has fully abandoned any pretense of forming coherent thoughts and resorts to making multiple Uranus jokes in a four minute period. Of course that hasn’t been funny since third grade, but as long as we all want to fuck Fox super badly, she’ll be getting the yucks.
Mickey Rourke offered a ringing endorsement of Vladamir Putin while in Russia. It seems that dudes who are cartoonish symbols of masculinity born out of self loathing find a way to relate to one another, and being a douche cuts deeper than politics. Rourke definitely wants to deep throat Putin’s man meat, which given Putin’s hyperbolic homophobia is a definite possibility. That’s usually how that works out. The first guy to talk about chopping wood and beating up queers is also the first one getting his ass railed in the back row of lockers. Rourke summed up his hard on for Putin while wearing a shirt with his face surrounded by flowers, because that’s not gay at all:
“I met him a couple of times and he was a real gentleman, a very cool regular guy, looked me right in the eye, I think he is a good guy. If I didn’t, believe I wouldn’t wear the T-shirt.”
It could be that Rourke is vastly uninformed and brain damaged as opposed to an ardent supporter of a nationalist regime bent on reliving their past glory of pretending to dominate America.
“I have a Russian girlfriend, that’s all I care about. Her father is a good person, her mother’s great, her babushka’s wonderful. To me it’s all about family. I don’t give a fuckk about the politics. That’s not my department.”
Everyone likes to bang Russian chicks but that doesn’t mean getting behind the wheel of a Soviet tank. I don’t mind that Rourke doesn’t care about politics, but Putin does. It would be like slapping an Obama sticker on your bumper and claiming you just like the letter O and Barack’s taste in the hot caramel ladies. Rourke will remain in Russia until he heads off to North Korea to let Kim Jong un beat him in a televised arm wrestling match in exchange for funding Rourke’s original movie about an scarred street fighter who fucks a hot Russian girl a lot.
If that Murder She Wrote crone got a hold of this Tony Stewart sprint car incident, she might find it to be kind of homicidal. You cut off some dude on the track, he gets out of his busted car to call you a fucking asshole as you drive around the next time and you accidentally clip him with your winged vehicle and spill him about half a football field up the track. Everybody’s calling it a horrible accident this morning. I guess any time a road rager on foot confronts a speeding race car he deserves at least a broken ulna. If only that happened to Alec Baldwin on his drunken pedestrian rampages in Manhattan. But Kevin Ward Jr. got the full throttle death sentence. Police won’t charge anybody with anything. This is NASCAR. These modest host track towns live and die by these events. But Tony Stewart will live forever with the guilt of accidentally taking out Kevin Ward. Or, you know, quietly chuckling to himself for getting away with murder.
Jay Z’s in a fucking pickle. It’s bad when even the chicks you’re not boning outside your marriage are performing songs about how you wanted to bone them. Some self-described rapper chick named Liv made a music video in her apartment by the freeway where she plays Outkast’s Sorry Ms. Jackson and changes the lyrics to Sorry Mrs. Carter. Then she says a whole bunch of stuff about Jay Z being a cheating pimp, how he wanted to doink her in the privates, but didn’t, and how Beyonce ought to have known better than to marry him. She also mentions Monica Lewinsky just to be topical. It’s sort of like a Lifetime movie reinterpreted by a learning challenged twelve year old who figured out how to turn on GarageBand.
The premise that celebrity marriages are supposed to last is a straw-man set up by the media so they can pretend it’s real news when they fall apart. On their wedding night, I’m certain Jay Z knew Beyonce was a self-satisfied high maintenance chick who didn’t need the headache of a cheating husband and Jay Z knew he was the cheating husband. So you plan. One year to pretend you’re in love. One year to produce a fake baby with a stripper name. One year for the lawyers to get involved. This shit is pro forma. There’s no need for horrible fucking music videos. Just an OK! Magazine special with shocking new details about how it all went wrong.
Vin Diesel recently opened up about the death of Paul Walker. Diesel said it was tough to lose Walker and then went into a self-serving monologue referencing his turbulent, war torn past:
“It’s a heavy thing, Michael. You know? I grew up in the bouncer world, and we lost people while we were bouncing. But the brotherhood in Paul Walker was something completely different.”
The bouncing world is clearly fraught with the dangers of cologne inhalation and clipboard wrist, but armed conflict is pretty rare. Bouncing is less dangerous than filming a Fast Furious film. Just because your buddy Fat Joey died of a cardiac event keeping the underaged frat kids out of the Palladium doesn’t rank him up there with Audie Murphy. If you want to name yourself after a fuel that powers Mac trucks you have to come up with a scarier glory days story than bouncing. Vin did play a lot of basketball in the mixed Jewish leagues in New York. You could take a fucking elbow in those games like nobody’s business. People have no idea how rough Vin had it coming up. So Vin is going to tell you, whether you like it or not.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Aspiring actress and moderately annoying youtube personality, Anna Akana, made a video insulting dudes who only go for Asian chicks. Akana insists that white guys who exclusively date Asian women are submissive school girl fetish seeking perverts with Yellow Fever. According to Akana, she experiences the phenomenon constantly, annoyed when ‘racist assholes’ hit on her solely because she is young, hot, and especially Asian. She makes a big public deal about being racially offended then blows the guy with the most producing credits. Asian chicks are pragmatic like that.
DeNiro likes the dark meat and Leo Dicaprio will only bang models from countries where the basketball lane is a hexagram, so why criticize the coffee house hipsters and Aspy white programmers of the world for flocking towards Asians chicks? The flaw in Akana’s viewpoint is she groups all Asian women together. The same guy with a boner for community college Chinese chicks with dip-dyed hair isn’t the same guy cruising the bio-tech labs for Pinays with coke-bottle glasses. I like short girls. I wouldn’t say I have midget fever, though I’d be willing to contract it if I could bone lots of teeny tiny women with squeaky voices like Care Bears. I guess Anna wishes she were a young Latina or black chick with perfect tits so she could walk through construction sites completely unmolested. Life is super rough for all good looking women. We know. Now do some cartwheels so we can see your white cotton panties.
No matter where you fall on the pussy scale of life, it’s super important at any given moment in your life to not be the biggest pussy in the room. The second biggest pussy skates. The biggest pussy is singled out by the pack and devoured. Look around the room. If you’re not sure if you’re the one, you’re the one. Get the fuck out.
Orlando Bloom nearly landed a swipe to Justin Bieber’s smug maw at a club in Ibiza after the two fay combatants exchanged words. There’s a true gangster history between these sub-150 lb. scooter riders since Justin claimed he got busy with Miranda Kerr backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Then Orlando took Selena Gomez on a date after he got divorced. It was some real sit-com love triangle stuff that finally exploded in Ibiza when Bieber did that bitch ‘I want to shake your hand’ move. Orlando came back with a few choice words in perfect Elizabethan English then Bieber squeaked something about Miranda Kerr’s vagina and Orlando tried to smite him but missed. The 47 bodyguards who keep Bieber from getting in real fights hustled the tiny Canadian around in increasingly small circles until they were all trapped in the center of a vortex of shame. I’ve seen some good bar fights in my time. This wasn’t one of them. Thanks to WorldStarHipHop I can tell you this wasn’t even a good girl fight.
Shortly after, Justin Bieber retreated with his posse and posted a photo of Miranda Kerr in a bikini to Instagram. You could almost feel John Wayne’s fist stirring in his grave.
Here’s Orlando earlier in the day in Ibiza. He looked so summery. Why did Justin have to ruin his day?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
When a man is caught on camera beating his girlfriend and dragging her unconscious out of an elevator, that’s not really the time for a deep dive into the complex pathologies that twist a romantic relationship into violence. That’s the time to say, that fucker deserves the chair. Next case please. Stephen A. Smith can’t keep the power of his insight contained so he suggested maybe women shouldn’t provoke angry NLF running backs who can bench press 450. Now, Smith’s suspended too and doing the fake corporate media apology dance with mea culpas on Twitter and TV. It’s like watching somebody neuter themselves with a tin can lid while forcing a smile.
On Friday, speaking right here on ‘First Take’ on the subject of domestic violence, I made what can only amount to the most egregious error of my career. My words came across that it is somehow a woman’s fault. This was not my intent. It is not what I was trying to say.
There’s nothing technically wrong with what Smith said. You curse and jab and talk about pulling a train of Steelers defensive linemen a little less and you probably don’t get a pop in the face from your super cool boyfriend Ray Rice. There’s all sorts of ways you can walk the earth like Caine and try to stay out of trouble. Though, that actually never worked for Caine. Smith’s real fault here was not going all the way and saying ‘crazy bitches deserve crazy beatdowns’ then ripping off his mic, leaving ESPN, and joining a co-ed Fight Club. You can’t go half-in on beating women. That just makes you suspended and a waffler.
North Korea is demanding a video of Kim Jong Un’s superimposed head be removed from the Internet. Apparently North Korean officials do not understand how the world wide web works because they are still developing ice boxes and water closets. They released a statement saying the video ”seriously compromises Kim’s dignity and authority“. This is pretty much the same thing they said about the James Franco and Seth Rogen movie so I’m thinking it’s time for a new English language spokesperson.
Kim’s dignity is primarily compromised by his creepy baby hands and crimes against humanity. Also, being friends with Dennis Rodman. If you don’t want people assuming your dick is the size of a red hot tamale then you cannot get pissed about silly youtube videos. Obamas in there too. You think he’s whining to ICANN in Switzerland? No, he’s just having the NSA track down the video creators so they can be sent 20,000 unsold copies of Dreams from My Father as the ultimate prank.
With Kim being unable to grasp basic diplomatic strategies regarding cheap superimposed videos it’s no wonder he runs a failed prison state. If Kim cared to check out Youtube through his country’s filtered dial up service he would probably see there are tons of videos depicting North Korea’s vast prison camp system. Any good dictator knows you capture, torture, and behead the documentarians before you go after the bored North Korean college kids with 2002 Macromedia Flash.
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Nicole Scherzinger is proof that you don’t need to be good at a lot of things to be successful in life. Just pick one good one to master. Hitting a dimpled ball into a cup and having a crazy fine ass are two I’d recommend to boys and girls respectively. Not that girls can’t play golf too, but unless you’re a lesbian nobody is going to talk to you in the locker room. If you’ve got a great ass, you’ll never be lonely.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
The producers of The View allowed Jenny McCarthy to lie about leaving the show on her own terms. Her hiring was unpopular, her contributions to the show pure lesbian fake glasses shat, and her departure hurriedly arranged. She was like New Coke, if New Coke had tasted like unfunny vagina. While the locks were being changed on her dressing room, McCarthy used her last show to deliver some self serving bullshit:
“After much consideration, I’ve taken a new job that will allow me to do what I do best, which is talk without having to interrupt anyone.”
McCarthy didn’t mention any specifics about her new job. I can imagine getting married to the less successful Wahlberg and re-introducing whooping cough to the infant population of the Western world is work enough. I can’t believe I used to masturbate to this woman, although she did used to talk a lot less.
Robin Thicke has spent the better part of the past four months singing love songs to Paula Patton who left him because he dry humped Miley Cyrus on camera then started sleeping with the couple’s joint masseuse off camera. There were probably other issues as well, like Robin wearing vests and sunglasses for no obvious reason. Ever since the breakup Robin’s been living the extended version of John Cusack in Say Anything except that he’s hoisting the boom box blasting his own crappy love songs. Every awards show or appearance is another opportunity for Robin to beg his wife to take him back. Robin’s composed so many new doleful ballads, he’s putting out an entire album next week cleverly titled, ‘Paula’. I’d like to think this is some cynical genius marketing ploy to sell fourteen new sorrowful tracks to chubby women who take long baths, but that’s only because I inherently refuse to believe any man can be such a pussy. At some point, Robin will be arrested for crooning love songs while sniffing his wife’s panties out of the hamper in the house he broke into. Until then, expect a new album of love-loss every four to six weeks.
You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fucking need em
Take em out the hood, keep em looking good
But I don’t fucking feed em
First time they fuss I’m breezing
Talking bout, what’s the reasons
I’m a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Truer words have never been spoken. Jay Z and Beyonce are working out their marital problems to the tune of half a million a night this summer. Let’s get divorced, but not until we are flush. Then I”ll revenge kick your sister’s ass and we go our separate ways. That’s a fucking plan. I like the fact that Beyonce can really sing and does really have a nice ass. It’s like finding a supermodel who understands how to play tic-tac-toe to a draw every time. Marry that woman. Then let the rest of watch her shake her sweet jolly on a scaffold.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
Even though Ava Sabrina London concludes her Hank Baskett erotic tale by casually noting Hank left her $500 just because, I’m willing to play along with this whole ‘mistress’ nomenclature. Hank, or ‘Steve’ as he called himself on that fateful day, found Ava through her YouTube site which naturally led to Ava inviting Hank over to her condo to see her dick tucked into her bikini. I’ve contacted a few YouTube video creators before, none of whom invited to their house to see them in bikinis. I feel kind of gypped. I probably should’ve said my name was Steve
For the sake of posterity and the children, Ava and her she-cock decided to give a tell-all interview to the National Enquirer recounting the twenty minutes she spent with Hank Baskett back in March. Her mistress story plays like a super creepy rape case deposition. I touched his penis, then he touched mine, then he touched my breasts, then we stopped because he came. Jesus, Hank, you are a romantic. The average time for a tranny hooker to spill her guts for cash about a celebrity encounter is about 48 hours, depending on if her crush fetish porn roommate knows the number for TMZ or RadarOnline or not. Sexual compulsion is a powerful bitch. So too is Kendra. Hank, you’re about to discover the backside sensation you would’ve felt if you’d stuck around Ava’s for another twenty minutes.
Photo Credit: Ava Sabrina London
You may recall that Kristy Althaus was booted from the hallowed halls of pederasty pageant land when somebody leaked her paid appearance in a cinematic venture of a barely legal nature. The Flashdance Town Council immediately stripped her of her Miss Teen Colorado runner up status and twenty bucks worth of gratis Avon products. They also scrubbed her very existence from their website like an orthodox Jewish family destroying every known photograph of their son for marrying a girl who enjoys sex. Now, in a shocking development, somebody who looks, sounds, and sucks exactly like Kristy Althaus has been discovered in a brand new adult video. It looks like Kristy did one porn video, and when The Man took away her ability to make money legitimately, she went back into porn. I wish to fuck I had a duh-duh-duh sound effect. This wasn’t really a story until somebody sent the new porn tape to Gawker and Gawker used lots of exclamation points in their headline.
I wish America would care more about the no name girls who find themselves trapped in a vicious cycle of pornography and sex for hire. And to assure such care, I wish they video documented all the better looking girls on transferable mp4 files on a poorly secured file server. The greatness of a nation and its moral progress should be judged by the way its porn stars are treated.
Photo Credit: Facebook
I hate to think that Putin won at anything, but, damn, that Sochi opening ceremony spectacular made Communism look amazing. Brazil has spent eleven billion on the World Cup, but most of that went to buy ring pops for the City of God gangsters for their promise to reduce tourist kidnappings by sixty-percent in June. The opening ceremonies today looked like the kids decided to put on a play to save Mrs. Beasley’s civic garden from being rolled. I’m pretty sure they just picked up a truckload of vendors selling kebabs down by the beach, slapped a leftover Mardi Gras costume on them, and told them to dance like Amy Grant. Then the showstoppers came. Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull. Nothing says Brazilian pride like a a Puerto Rican and a Cuban getting stuck on a rising stage platform that jams right out of the box. I hope somebody kept their Amazon return label.
Ultimately, the World Cup is about sport. Just like Sochi, shoddy infastrcture, crappy field conditions, and Johnny Weir dressed like Anderson Cooper’s mom couldn’t take away from the majesty of the competition. Soccer fans could give a rat’s ass if a couple stadium sections collapse and tens of thousands perish. You riot, kill a few government officials, and you move on. The Olympics are just two years away and there’s lots more ring pops to buy.
The guy who wrote Justin Bieber’s recent apology for Justin’s racist joke that got leaked in a video forgot to mention there might be more coming. Apparently, 14 to 15 was a trying age for Justin, when he was exploring his musical roots, learning to adjust to newfound fame, and trying to set the Canadian record for dropping N-bombs on camera. In this latest ditty seen on TMZ, Justin inserts the n-word in place of girl as he parodies his own shitty song, One Less Lonely Girl and adds a verse about joining the KKK. According to completely objective explanation from Justin’s publicity team, Justin himself wanted these ugly clips released to the public because people who had them were extorting him with the threat that the racist label wouldn’t look so good appended to the end of his spoiled asshole miniature twat douchenozzle reputation. According to these same sources, Justin told Usher long ago about the existence of these video clips. When Usher found out, he took Justin into a private room to show him historically racist videos to drive home the hurtful nature of prejudice and hate speech. At least, that’s what people assumed was going on when they heard Usher yelling ‘don’t you close your eyes, bitch!’ and Justin crying from behind the locked door for thirty long minutes.