Candice Swanepoel In Lingerie

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 1:48 PM

Candice Swanepoel Lingerie Hotness
There’s something comforting about Victoria’s Secret models in their underwear. The world is spinning out of control. We battle over the use of words rather than the worth of ideas. That androgynous seven year old next door has more rights than you even though you’ll someday be paying for its food and awkward Fedoras. Shit is circling the drain while leaders wear rainbow shawls and dance on the graves of twenty million former middle class jobs. But those genetically blessed girls pushing the South Asian slave trade panties, they ground us in the boundaries of human nature. While all systems are failing, that twitch in your cock reminds you that you’ll get to pass this shit can onto somebody else and make it their fucking problem. In the meantime, try to find your girlfriend sexy in boxers. Have another beer, she doesn’t look that much like your brother.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Candice Swanepoel in Lingerie

By Lex June 15, 2015 @ 10:16 AM

I like when people are good at shit then shut the fuck up. LeBron is amazing at the round ball but can’t keep his trap shut. Top earning actresses have to bleed stigmata over the plight of women in film. Rolling Stone has to invent high profile rape stories to get attention for their nineteenth Green Day retrospective. This South African chick models lingerie, she does it spectacularly well, and she doesn’t speak. That’s not good in a sexist way, that’s good in a non-gender conforming unisex way. The world needs more silence. There’s poetry in quiet tits.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer For Jerome Duran Photoshoot
Most photographers aren’t making Uncle Terry money. They just want to express themselves through their art and have a decent wank. I can respect that. Candice, today you’re going to be a ballet dancer in a thong. Why? Because it represents how models are trapped in a doll house of patronage and objectification. Now stop talking when I adjust my lenses here behind this modesty curtain. Toss me your ballet slippers for a minute if you could. Yep, right over the curtain. Your feet smell like innocence. I’ll be out in two shakes.

Photo Credit: Jerome Duran

Candice Swanepoel Makes Peens Happy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Candice Swanepoel was created in heaven as a test of wills between your nutsack and  your cranium. If you think you’re getting into her panties, your nutsack is currently winning.

Prepare to arm your chubbie, it’s Swanepoel in skimpy lingerie. (Egotastic)

Why don’t you give that underwear a little tug? (The Chive)

How good does Laura Cremaschi’s ass look in a bikini? Pretty fucking good. (TMZ)

Gloria Steinem wears a clit ring because feminism. (Huffington Post)

Gigi Hadid is covered topless for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)

Her name in Lindey Pelas, she has huge tits, and she’s running in slow-mo. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Lowndes knows how to get nice and sweaty in her workout clothes. (Popoholic)

(Photo Via Blondie Magazine)

Candice Swanepoel Jeans of Disrepair

By Lex March 10, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

Candice Swanepoel Poses For Osmoze Clothing
You used to have to wear holes in your own jeans. What a pain. For $200 you can have the toothless avós in the City of God rend your garments prior to shipping. It might offend every single mom ever who ever prayed to the Almighty to stretch one more month out of their kids’ jeans, but fuck them. They didn’t look like Candice Swanepoel. Neither do the women who buy these. Chic denim buyers will never know the self-worth found in an Iron Maiden jean patch. I pity them and their kid with the measles. Don’t let him puke on your jeans, vegan bile stains something awful.

Photo Credit: Osmoze Jeans

Candice Swanepoel Seems Rainforest Friendly

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

Candice Swanepoel Swimsuit Rainforest Adventures For Victorias Secret
It’s always dangerous when they send super hot chicks into exotic rainforest locales for swimsuit shoots. You never know when you might encounter an indigenous tribe lost in time and propel them into a life of whiskey and cigarettes. Wiping your ass with elder leaves seems less cool once you’ve seen a white princess with a shaved mons looking disgusted. That’s the entire reason a man ever vacuums. Now imagine you have a capybara bone through your nose and your fingers smell like shit. Millennium old traditions die quickly in the face of hot blonds.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret