Candice Swanepoel Ass Smells Like Money

By Lex February 04, 2016 @ 9:48 AM

Candice Swanepoel Booty Cheeks On The Beach
When celebrity models get down to the business of explaining their signature perfume lines, it’s like witnessing a third grader in the 1950′s Soviet Union blankly reciting the glory of the State. Candice Swanepoel’s new fragrance for Juicy Couture is based in peony, rose, and amber, with a note of jasmine. This barely edged out lilac, meconium, and a spicy giardiniera blend. For Candice, the memories run deep:

There are so many fragrances that have ties to memory—it’s like music for me. I’m always reminiscing, and growing up in South Africa, there are so many different smells that take me back. There’s a note of jasmine in this, and on our farm, we had a massive water tower outside of our front door that was covered in jasmine. When it flowered, it was such a gorgeous, strong smell.

Clarice just remembered the lambs. I like your memory better. As long as we’re making stuff up, when did the handsome farm boy try to kiss you in the field of peonies? Careful not to step on the dead negroes daddy made casualties of apartheid. I bet that aroma sticks with you as well. Celebrity scents are more complicated than math. $94 at Macy’s. I feel like I’m ripping you off.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Candice Swanepoel in A Bikini

By Lex December 15, 2015 @ 10:38 AM

Candice Swanepoel Bikinis In St. Barts
There remains one untouchable group of infidels. Supermodels. I don’t care how crazy you are with the jihad, you know better than to go after the world’s great looking women. You start going Allahu Akbar on the finest of the breed and you will be eviscerated the next day with more boots on the ground than boys without beards in your rape tent. Every nation has a different agenda when it comes to geopolitics. Everybody with a dick has the same agenda when it comes to protecting hot women. You’ll let them barf in your car. You’ll certainly kill some nameless dudes in the desert to keep them showing off their tanned asses. We’re all just animals. You make a mistake in assuming your more vicious than the rest.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Lingerie Clad Angels For Victoria’s Secret 2015 Fashion Show

By Lex November 11, 2015 @ 10:07 AM

2015 Victorias Secret Fashion Show
There’s got to be that one moment of self-consciousness when standing in your underwear on national television and thinking, I could’ve been a nanny to a well off family in Paraguay or maybe an assistant media professor at Mizzou. Maybe when you’re so stupid hot you just think, damn, I look amazing and everybody wants to fuck me, and that envelops you like a warm blanket. This has to be depressing for women who can’t relexively view attractive women as sex objects.

Photo Credit: Getty

Candice Swanepoel Thong Thing

By Lex September 15, 2015 @ 7:11 AM

Candice Swanepoel New Thongtastic Treats From Victorias Secret
I’ll watch a kid with sausage fingers dominate on some nonsensical war game app just because he’s superior to a million other future fatty livers comprising the field. There’s just something special about watching a craftsman at the top of their game. This chick is the best lingerie model in the world. That body combined with that look like she just popped out of an alien pod and started asking if any earthlings can tell her about this whole fucking business she’d dying to try. It’s too good to be true. It is. I’ve heard she has combination skin and her jaw grinds in her sleep. Her vagina is filled Saginaw warts and until you’ve bedded a woman in Saginaw, please don’t dismiss this as inconsequential. Just leave her be. The Chinese robot guys will be by to pick her up in the morning. We almost had it all. I blame the imitation satin.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Joan Smalls And Candice Swanepoel Topless For Lui Magazine

By Lex August 26, 2015 @ 10:36 AM

Joan Smalls Cheeky And Topless
Chicks will do anything for French photographers. It’s just a fact. Have you read Camus? You really must. Now if you please raise your derriere and slam three fingers in your dirt hole while I snap. Oui?

Photo Credit: Lui Magazine

Candice Swanepoel In Lingerie

By Lex June 26, 2015 @ 1:48 PM

Candice Swanepoel Lingerie Hotness
There’s something comforting about Victoria’s Secret models in their underwear. The world is spinning out of control. We battle over the use of words rather than the worth of ideas. That androgynous seven year old next door has more rights than you even though you’ll someday be paying for its food and awkward Fedoras. Shit is circling the drain while leaders wear rainbow shawls and dance on the graves of twenty million former middle class jobs. But those genetically blessed girls pushing the South Asian slave trade panties, they ground us in the boundaries of human nature. While all systems are failing, that twitch in your cock reminds you that you’ll get to pass this shit can onto somebody else and make it their fucking problem. In the meantime, try to find your girlfriend sexy in boxers. Have another beer, she doesn’t look that much like your brother.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret