Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer

By Lex March 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM

Candice Swanepoel Ballet Thong Dancer For Jerome Duran Photoshoot
Most photographers aren’t making Uncle Terry money. They just want to express themselves through their art and have a decent wank. I can respect that. Candice, today you’re going to be a ballet dancer in a thong. Why? Because it represents how models are trapped in a doll house of patronage and objectification. Now stop talking when I adjust my lenses here behind this modesty curtain. Toss me your ballet slippers for a minute if you could. Yep, right over the curtain. Your feet smell like innocence. I’ll be out in two shakes.

Photo Credit: Jerome Duran

Candice Swanepoel Makes Peens Happy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Candice Swanepoel was created in heaven as a test of wills between your nutsack and  your cranium. If you think you’re getting into her panties, your nutsack is currently winning.

Prepare to arm your chubbie, it’s Swanepoel in skimpy lingerie. (Egotastic)

Why don’t you give that underwear a little tug? (The Chive)

How good does Laura Cremaschi’s ass look in a bikini? Pretty fucking good. (TMZ)

Gloria Steinem wears a clit ring because feminism. (Huffington Post)

Gigi Hadid is covered topless for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)

Her name in Lindey Pelas, she has huge tits, and she’s running in slow-mo. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Lowndes knows how to get nice and sweaty in her workout clothes. (Popoholic)

(Photo Via Blondie Magazine)

Candice Swanepoel Jeans of Disrepair

By Lex March 10, 2015 @ 8:28 AM

Candice Swanepoel Poses For Osmoze Clothing
You used to have to wear holes in your own jeans. What a pain. For $200 you can have the toothless avós in the City of God rend your garments prior to shipping. It might offend every single mom ever who ever prayed to the Almighty to stretch one more month out of their kids’ jeans, but fuck them. They didn’t look like Candice Swanepoel. Neither do the women who buy these. Chic denim buyers will never know the self-worth found in an Iron Maiden jean patch. I pity them and their kid with the measles. Don’t let him puke on your jeans, vegan bile stains something awful.

Photo Credit: Osmoze Jeans

Candice Swanepoel Seems Rainforest Friendly

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

Candice Swanepoel Swimsuit Rainforest Adventures For Victorias Secret
It’s always dangerous when they send super hot chicks into exotic rainforest locales for swimsuit shoots. You never know when you might encounter an indigenous tribe lost in time and propel them into a life of whiskey and cigarettes. Wiping your ass with elder leaves seems less cool once you’ve seen a white princess with a shaved mons looking disgusted. That’s the entire reason a man ever vacuums. Now imagine you have a capybara bone through your nose and your fingers smell like shit. Millennium old traditions die quickly in the face of hot blonds.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Celebrity Model Chicks Celebrate The Super Bowl

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 12:13 PM

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Super Bowl Sunday is a big day for girls with big yabbos to post pictures of themselves on Instagram. Nobody but your mother and your astrologist are going to look. Go ahead and try out some football themed shots of your tits. It’s like free skate. Sketch a few new poses and move them from paper to the Internet. All you need is a photo buddy and Hef’s Sammy Baugh autographed football. I promise you he won’t notice it’s missing.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Candice Swanepoel In Just Jeans

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 12:23 PM

Candice Swanepoel Braless For Denim
I’m told denim was the hottest fabric at Paris Fashion Week. I don’t know exactly how many fabrics there are, but if you’re discounting Kazakhstani mohair and human flesh made by horror film bad guys, I think there are only four to choose from. Still, good on you, denim. This means you’re going to see tons of models marketing denim this year. But denim reminds many people of horse stink and low sperm counts. The solution is topless chicks in jeans. You don’t give a crap how they smell.

Photo Credit: Mother Denim Line