I don’t really get fashion. Or art or pageantry or style or why it’s not appropriate to call your girlfriend’s clit a little baby penis during lovemaking. But I do get hot women in leather carrying bullwhips. How can anything so pure be so wrong? It simply can not.
Here’s Candice Swanepoel in Vogue Australia. She looks pissed. But, don’t worry, it’s just pretend. She’s twenty-four and good looking and rich and probably not all that angry.
I feel like I could run a woman’s underwear company. Step one, find that factory in Indonesia or China where all the world’s undergarments are sewn together by middle-school aged children. I can do that. Step two, haggle over prices. I’m a fucking grade-A haggler. I once talked a counter guy at McDonald’s into a lower price on my McNuggets because they’d been under the heat lamp. He could’ve lost his job. But I got him there. Step three. Hire a woman who looks like Candice Swanepoel to model your lingerie. Men buy tons because they think their lady will look like Candice if they pay $40 for a chemise (see, I already know the words). Women buy it to feel like they think Candice feels. I’m not even sure what that means, but it works. I make a fortune. I trade in my Apple Lisa for a better computer, take a spelling course, and finally get to writing my anthology of marsupials, nature’s most misunderstood mammals. Done.
Suddenly, Miranda Kerr is a ‘difficult’ model. Which is surprising, because most supermodels are really down to earth, low maintenance, always thinking of others needs first kind of people. Real salt of the earth. Just like most women who grew up the most beautiful girl in every school they every attended and get all the boys and attention and breaks. Grounded. So when Victoria’s Secret says they’re cutting Miranda Kerr as an Angel because she’s ‘difficult’, what they really mean is that she’s asking for too much money in her next contract. And that she’s no longer their franchise player. As it turns out, Candice Swanepoel and Alessandra Ambrosio sell more swimsuits and lingerie than Miranda. So those two aren’t ‘difficult’ at all. In fact, hot women are never difficult when they’re making you money, and they’re never ‘bitchy’ when having sex with you. They’re just ‘sensitive’ or ‘temperamental’.
I think chick magazines are better in foreign countries. I’ve glanced at my fair share of U.S. ladies magazines. Every time I get a molar crowned at the dentist I’m perusing a female picture book, because men’s magazines long since went off the politically correct waiting room magazine list. The ladies magazines are pretty fucking boring. But, in foreign countries, where I’ve also had molars crowned, chicks like to see other hot chicks, often naked, and it’s totally cool. Nobody gets sent to lesbo deprogramming camp. Kids don’t become serial killers cause they saw a tit in mom’s magazine. And everybody still buys the right tampons and knows the six signs that their man might be cheating on them.
Shit, I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, yeah, Candice Swanepoel’s in Vogue Spain this month.
Should Americans be worried that we’re outsourcing all of our bikini modeling jobs? I didn’t say anything when we lost machine tool & dye, and plastics rotocasting, and the Sports Illustrated subscription call center. Boom. Now I have to talk to a guy in Mumbai if I want my football phone. But bikini modeling seems inherently American. Even though we didn’t invent the bikini, modeling, photography, any common swimsuit fabrics, or tits and ass. It still feels like something we own. But we’re losing to both Czech and Slovakia, just imagine if that powerhouse were still united. Where have you gone Brooklyn Decker? Marisa Miller?
Check out South African Candice Swanepoel on the beach in Miami this weekend and lament the loss of perhaps our nation’s finest industry.
Girls seem to love Lena Dunham because she’s smart and fearless, the anti-sex symbol for a new generation of female comedians thanks to her hit HBO show Girls. Meanwhile, most guys are pretty torn over her, because they either can’t figure out why she’s taking her clothes off or they’re threatened by her empowering success. At the very least, she has a lot on her mind and she makes for some good quotes.
Dunham was the subject of Playboy’s latest batch of 20 questions, and my first thought upon reading the feature was, “Good God, Jessica Burciaga is like young, hot Jennifer Lopez all over again.” But then Dunham said some stuff about Victoria’s Secret Angels and that got my attention back.
Playboy: If you woke up tomorrow in the body of a Victoria’s Secret model, what would you do for the rest of the day?
Dunham: I’d be really disoriented and wonder what had happened in the night. Which enemy had dragged me to the doctor? I don’t think I’d like it very much. There would be all kinds of weird challenges to deal with that I don’t have to deal with now. I don’t want to go through life wondering if people are talking to me because I have a big rack. Not being the babest person in the world creates a nice barrier. The people who talk to you are the people who are interested in you. It must be a big burden in some ways to look that way and be in public. That said, I probably would want to see if I could get free food at restaurants. Then I’d call a doctor and see if she could return me to my former situation. (Playboy, NSFW site)
Sorry, but I’m willing to bet that Candice Swanepoel has never muttered the phrase, “Gosh, it’s just so hard being a beautiful woman.” Girl power’s cool and all, but let’s at least be realistic.