By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 1:46 PM
It’s about time Candice Swanepoel took some more pictures. I’m sure she’s busy with her home renovations and waxing and finding the right outfit for the South African summer holiday of Round Up the Darkies, but she could come out more than once a month to get her picture taken in her underwear. It can’t be that much work. Hair, makeup, finding set assistants gay enough they won’t try and touch her. We could bump that to once a week I’d think. Push more product. If the pre-pubescent girls in the Mynamar sweat shops aren’t sewing constantly, they get to consorting and discussing mutinies. The last thing you need is a couple hundred bloodied finger nine year olds on your roof demanding toilet breaks and non-expired cigarettes. C’mon, Candice, for the team.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex July 02, 2014 @ 3:17 PM
When you’ve just been named the hottest woman in the world by possibly the last print edition of Maxim magazine I too would walk braless like a fucking champ around Manhattan. As Maxim’s fey sounding spokesperson noted, Candice has tremendous business acumen. And without her bra, you can really absorb the full impact of that acumen. I can’t help but feel if I did 50,000 stomach crunches and drank boba tea, Candice and I could be the kind of friends that have mistaken sex one drunken night and then awkwardly never speak again. That would be so perfect.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 1:25 PM
I’m not sure who owns Maxim at this point. A decade ago it got sold for several hundred million dollars. Last I heard a paper boy in Indiana picked it up for eighty-seven bucks and a box of FSI local dry cleaner coupons. Whoever is running it now has decided that Miley Cyrus is only the 25th most exquisite looking piece of female in the world. They gave the top nod to Candice Swanepoel this year, because, who can ridicule them for that. Also, apparently, she’s a really great person.
Candice Swanepoel is the ideal embodiment of the new Maxim brand: stunning, sophisticated, elegant. It’s not only her flawless beauty and effortless grace that have garnered her the coveted 2014 Hot 100 Number 1 placement, but also her business acumen. She has risen to become one of the world’s top supermodels and has transcended the accolade to become a global brand. It’s hard to imagine a woman more perfect. — Paul Martinez, Creative Director, Maxim
No offense, Paul, but that sounds pretty damn gay for a men’s magazine. How about, Candice Swanepoel has swell tits and an ass I’d like to spank until the South African embassy demands I return her. Although I guess the new Maxim brand is stunning and elegant. What man doesn’t want to feel stunning and elegant? If you’re giving out points for business acumen, Miley Cyrus has made herself a Khan’s fortune as a singer, actress, dancer, and sex symbol, while not being able to sing, act, dance, and physically resembling the last pickle in the jar. Forget all the humiliation of the past year and just name Miley the most effortlessly graceful, business transcended woman in the world again.
Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 4:47 PM
It’s not easy being an international bra and panties model. First, you’ve got to be born a good looking girl. If that were so easy everybody would be doing it. Then, you can’t eat. I don’t mean ever, just mostly ever, until you learn how to purge. If you get herpes up top, you’re pretty screwed too, so no experimenting with the randy dock boys during middle school. At some point you will need to find an international DJ to knock you up. You want all that impossible to describe talent passed on to your offspring. The idea of them being fondled as a young teen like you were bothers you, though only slightly. Career ends by age 30 and then it’s time for divorce and back to your funky language land to live by the beach with your two kids and your mom and pray you don’t get sunspots because God made you so damn white. It beats being ugly.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet