Candice Swanepoel Seems Rainforest Friendly

By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

Candice Swanepoel Swimsuit Rainforest Adventures For Victorias Secret
It’s always dangerous when they send super hot chicks into exotic rainforest locales for swimsuit shoots. You never know when you might encounter an indigenous tribe lost in time and propel them into a life of whiskey and cigarettes. Wiping your ass with elder leaves seems less cool once you’ve seen a white princess with a shaved mons looking disgusted. That’s the entire reason a man ever vacuums. Now imagine you have a capybara bone through your nose and your fingers smell like shit. Millennium old traditions die quickly in the face of hot blonds.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Celebrity Model Chicks Celebrate The Super Bowl

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 12:13 PM

Maitland-Ward-And-Crystal-Hefner-Celebrate-The-Super-Bowl-On-Instagram-
Super Bowl Sunday is a big day for girls with big yabbos to post pictures of themselves on Instagram. Nobody but your mother and your astrologist are going to look. Go ahead and try out some football themed shots of your tits. It’s like free skate. Sketch a few new poses and move them from paper to the Internet. All you need is a photo buddy and Hef’s Sammy Baugh autographed football. I promise you he won’t notice it’s missing.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Candice Swanepoel In Just Jeans

By Lex January 29, 2015 @ 12:23 PM

Candice Swanepoel Braless For Denim
I’m told denim was the hottest fabric at Paris Fashion Week. I don’t know exactly how many fabrics there are, but if you’re discounting Kazakhstani mohair and human flesh made by horror film bad guys, I think there are only four to choose from. Still, good on you, denim. This means you’re going to see tons of models marketing denim this year. But denim reminds many people of horse stink and low sperm counts. The solution is topless chicks in jeans. You don’t give a crap how they smell.

Photo Credit: Mother Denim Line

Victoria’s Secret Intends to Win the Super Bowl

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 1:28 PM

Victoria Secret Superbowl Commercial Promo Shoot
People who say the commercials are the best part about the Super Bowl have never seen Katy Perry sing over a pre-recorded track to staged multicultural fans screaming their heads off. Until they allow tits on network television, the game itself will always be better. You can’t beat football with not football and not tits. Victoria’s Secret is going to try with a lingerie ad. It’ll tempt millions of men to buy lingerie for their ladies on Valentine’s Day because they’re either dating Adriana Lima or they’re stupid. Why not just buy her a fungo bat and tell her to rupture your ball sac. Leave looking good in underwear to the professionals. Everybody else just looks modestly okay on down to ‘I wouldn’t have done that’. The next time your lady says she buys lingerie to look good for herself, mumble, you’re telling me. But mumble it really softly or out comes the fucking fungo.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Candice Swanepoel Tits Cause Near Beach Panic

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

Candice Swanepoel Covered Topless While Changing During Photoshoot On The Beach
I once saw a man get arrested for baring his junk while changing on the beach. It might be the ten minutes it took him to remove his wet bathing suit and get on some pants and the relatively short distance between his erect cock and some nearby frightened grade school aged girls. Or just plain sexism. Maybe a bit of both. Nobody gives a shit when a Victoria’s Secret model changes on the sand. Beach 5-0 doesn’t roll in with lights flashing and Hasselhoff jumping out with cuffs. We need to examine the way in which our society unjustly discriminates against the scrote. That and imprisoning dudes who wear full bike team sponsored gear when recreationally cycling will make this world instantly better.

Photo Credit: INF

Candice Swanepoel Models Bikinis

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

Candice Swanepoel Wears Victoria Secret Bikinis
This chick reminds me what a pain in the ass it must be to be a woman shopping for a bikini. I couldn’t buy a bathing suit if I saw one of the Hemsworth brothers modeling them with their abs just prior. Too much fucking pressure to look Thor. Unless you’ve got a body like Candice Swanepoel, this Victoria’s Secret shit is going to be riding your crack and unflattering your flaws. I’d still buy it because there are starving kids in India who need day jobs. But I’d have buyer’s remorse the minute I pulled that thong out of my bag at home and realized I was going to look like a tied Christmas roast. I’d make a horrible woman.

Photo Credit: Victorias Secret