Candice Swanepoel Tits Cause Near Beach Panic

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 12:35 PM

Candice Swanepoel Covered Topless While Changing During Photoshoot On The Beach
I once saw a man get arrested for baring his junk while changing on the beach. It might be the ten minutes it took him to remove his wet bathing suit and get on some pants and the relatively short distance between his erect cock and some nearby frightened grade school aged girls. Or just plain sexism. Maybe a bit of both. Nobody gives a shit when a Victoria’s Secret model changes on the sand. Beach 5-0 doesn’t roll in with lights flashing and Hasselhoff jumping out with cuffs. We need to examine the way in which our society unjustly discriminates against the scrote. That and imprisoning dudes who wear full bike team sponsored gear when recreationally cycling will make this world instantly better.

Photo Credit: INF

Candice Swanepoel Models Bikinis

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 12:20 PM

Candice Swanepoel Wears Victoria Secret Bikinis
This chick reminds me what a pain in the ass it must be to be a woman shopping for a bikini. I couldn’t buy a bathing suit if I saw one of the Hemsworth brothers modeling them with their abs just prior. Too much fucking pressure to look Thor. Unless you’ve got a body like Candice Swanepoel, this Victoria’s Secret shit is going to be riding your crack and unflattering your flaws. I’d still buy it because there are starving kids in India who need day jobs. But I’d have buyer’s remorse the minute I pulled that thong out of my bag at home and realized I was going to look like a tied Christmas roast. I’d make a horrible woman.

Photo Credit: Victorias Secret

Victoria’s Secret 2014 Fashion Show British Style

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Victoria Secret 2014 Fashion Show
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Candice Swanepoel Is Nearly Ready

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Candice Swanepoel Behind The Scenes Fitting Into 2014 Victoria Secret Lingerie
Once a year Victoria’s Secret takes two dozen of the best looking models in the world and dramatically overdresses them for an exceptionally lame special on CBS. It’s the only primetime programming CBS runs during the year not aimed at convalescing seniors and the catatonic. Usually Justin Bieber or some other douche shows up and his buddies dare him to finger one of the girls who stopped caring about assaults not involving their face when they were seven.

The airing date is s national holiday in Myanmar where the children too short to ride Space Mountain exit their lingerie sewing factories to consume three boiled peanuts and watch the show on the communal Magnavox in the town square. If you could see the smiles on the faces of the juvenile workforce you’d know this shit was all worthwhile. It might actually be grimaces from repressing the pain of early onset arthritis, but those little bastards still light up like angels.

Photo Credit: E!News

Candice Swanepoel Poses On The Beach

By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 2:06 PM

Candice Swanepoel Poses On The Beach For Osmoze Summer 2015
I don’t really even know what this chick is selling half the time, I just know I want to buy it. If she put on a tiny pair of shorts and told me to buy home theater equipment I’d pick up even more high end crap I absolutely positively don’t need. It’s nice being a guy and not feeling the least bit tempted to buy a Lincoln because Matthew McConaughey is pretending he drives one. The only thing I want to do like Matthew McConaughey is have sex with good looking Brazilian women and I’m not sure you can buy that at Target. Not the good looking ones.

Photo Credit: Osmoze

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria’s Secret

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria's Secret
It’s about time Candice Swanepoel took some more pictures. I’m sure she’s busy with her home renovations and waxing and finding the right outfit for the South African summer holiday of Round Up the Darkies, but she could come out more than once a month to get her picture taken in her underwear. It can’t be that much work. Hair, makeup, finding set assistants gay enough they won’t try and touch her. We could bump that to once a week I’d think. Push more product. If the pre-pubescent girls in the Mynamar sweat shops aren’t sewing constantly, they get to consorting and discussing mutinies. The last thing you need is a couple hundred bloodied finger nine year olds on your roof demanding toilet breaks and non-expired cigarettes. C’mon, Candice, for the team.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret