Victoria’s Secret 2014 Fashion Show British Style

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM

Victoria Secret 2014 Fashion Show
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Candice Swanepoel Is Nearly Ready

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Candice Swanepoel Behind The Scenes Fitting Into 2014 Victoria Secret Lingerie
Once a year Victoria’s Secret takes two dozen of the best looking models in the world and dramatically overdresses them for an exceptionally lame special on CBS. It’s the only primetime programming CBS runs during the year not aimed at convalescing seniors and the catatonic. Usually Justin Bieber or some other douche shows up and his buddies dare him to finger one of the girls who stopped caring about assaults not involving their face when they were seven.

The airing date is s national holiday in Myanmar where the children too short to ride Space Mountain exit their lingerie sewing factories to consume three boiled peanuts and watch the show on the communal Magnavox in the town square. If you could see the smiles on the faces of the juvenile workforce you’d know this shit was all worthwhile. It might actually be grimaces from repressing the pain of early onset arthritis, but those little bastards still light up like angels.

Photo Credit: E!News

Candice Swanepoel Poses On The Beach

By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 2:06 PM

Candice Swanepoel Poses On The Beach For Osmoze Summer 2015
I don’t really even know what this chick is selling half the time, I just know I want to buy it. If she put on a tiny pair of shorts and told me to buy home theater equipment I’d pick up even more high end crap I absolutely positively don’t need. It’s nice being a guy and not feeling the least bit tempted to buy a Lincoln because Matthew McConaughey is pretending he drives one. The only thing I want to do like Matthew McConaughey is have sex with good looking Brazilian women and I’m not sure you can buy that at Target. Not the good looking ones.

Photo Credit: Osmoze

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria’s Secret

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Candice Swanepoel Models Lingerie For Victoria's Secret
It’s about time Candice Swanepoel took some more pictures. I’m sure she’s busy with her home renovations and waxing and finding the right outfit for the South African summer holiday of Round Up the Darkies, but she could come out more than once a month to get her picture taken in her underwear. It can’t be that much work. Hair, makeup, finding set assistants gay enough they won’t try and touch her. We could bump that to once a week I’d think. Push more product. If the pre-pubescent girls in the Mynamar sweat shops aren’t sewing constantly, they get to consorting and discussing mutinies. The last thing you need is a couple hundred bloodied finger nine year olds on your roof demanding toilet breaks and non-expired cigarettes. C’mon, Candice, for the team.

Photo Credit: Victoria’s Secret

Candice Swanepoel Braless

By Lex July 02, 2014 @ 3:17 PM

Candice Swanepoel Goes Braless For A Walk In New York
When you’ve just been named the hottest woman in the world by possibly the last print edition of Maxim magazine I too would walk braless like a fucking champ around Manhattan. As Maxim’s fey sounding spokesperson noted, Candice has tremendous business acumen. And without her bra, you can really absorb the full impact of that acumen. I can’t help but feel if I did 50,000 stomach crunches and drank boba tea, Candice and I could be the kind of friends that have mistaken sex one drunken night and then awkwardly never speak again. That would be so perfect.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Maxim Finally Gets It Right

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Candice Swanepoel Shows Her Midriff At Maxim's Hot 100 Women Of 2014 Celebration
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.

Photo Credit: Getty