By Matt August 13, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Christina Aguilera apparently got drunk and horny and went on Instagram and took a fairly tame topless selfie, or just decided to get into this game super late and boring. Aguilera’s selfie or possibly a screenshot lifted from Eyes Wide Shut shows her topless and covering her giant melons with her face obscured. It is taken from the Hubble:
“Just so you know with me, it’s all real, all the time. Felt like it was time to start sharing some personal stuff with you guys… And it’s just the beginning. Night night. X”
When did you turn into a spammy webcam girl’s Twitter account? Are you doing voiceovers for phone sex lines or are you fifteen and just learned how to talk dirty? Do I need to follow you immediately or just before I begin my afternoon masturbation schedule. Don’t be calling bluff, at this point we’re going to need some double penetration by Friday. Nice toiletries.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 9:40 AM
Christina Aguilera reportedly went to Disneyland with her friends to celebrate her birthday and fittingly threw a tantrum because these are all things adults shouldn’t do. Aguilera apparently wanted to take a photo with Mickey Mouse, but the convicted child porn trafficker inside the costume said he had to go on break to smoke a pack of cigarettes and check in with his probation officer. At that point Aguilera freaked once she realized nobody gives a shit about appeasing her unless they are on a painfully phony TV show and she is the judge. The irony of a former Mouseketeer calling Mickey an asshole is not lost. That creepy capitalist is the closest thing Christina has to a father. Arrested development and a long list of dick is a classic manifestation. Hence Aguilera getting banged by the felon in the mouse suit in the parking lot while fighting back the tears. Happiest place on earth.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Jack December 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Christina Aguilera melted down while on a visit to Disneyworld when a Mickey Mouse going on break refused to take pictures with her. She had a few unsavory words for Mickey. I mean, call him a high-pitched anal fister, but don’t tell him “fuck you”. That’s rude.
Read all about Christina mistreating a guy in a mouse suit. (TMZ)
Chris Rock’s wife kicked him to the curb, now she’s taking half his shit. (Huffington Post)
Chelsea Handler shows off her withered old tits while skiing. (Drunken Stepfather)
Kat Graham is covered topless in leather pants. (Hollywood Tuna)
Olivia Munn sports a skintight bodysuit and it is faptacular. (Popoholic)
“The Interview” made 18 million which is more than the GDP of North Korea. (Dlisted)
Khloe Kardashian shows off her fat ass in Cosmo UK. (COED)
By Matt August 14, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Christina Aguilera wants to pose naked in Playboy after she gives birth to her second child by whomever she’s banging these days. That sentence is akin to saying she wants to go drag racing after slamming down a power hour. Just because you want to do something doesn’t make it a good idea. Playboy used to be the bible for the hottest young women in the world. Now they allow chicks who were considered good looking a decade ago cover their gunt with a satin sheet and show some nipple simply because they might sell a couple extra copies in Bulgaria.
You are not supposed to Want To Do Playboy. Playboy is supposed to Want To Do You. Aguilera will be lauded by the self appreciative housewife lobby for having the courage to show her imperfect post-natal ass then they’ll bitch and moan when it’s airbrushed into a perfect hairless slab. Playboy used to be a magazine for dudes to jerk off to, now its used for the celebrities to metaphorically jerk off themselves and not in the Beaver Hunt good way like in Hustler. Yeah, I’ll still check out the pictures. But I won’t enjoy them.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 8:54 AM
Whenever people talk about Christina Aguilera, they always say she’s reinventing herself. I think that means she’s losing weight again after packing on a few. Or she’s decided to try sobriety in the noon hour. In this case, Christina’s reinventing herself once more by boldly being the twenty-eighth celebrity to pose naked while pregnant for a fashion magazine. Grabbing your tits in front of a camera ought to be a right of pregnancy passage for all women with personal trainers and stylists. There’s no reason you shouldn’t be getting your six month ultrasounds in pumps and a fuck-me pose.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 5:36 PM
Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for a woman to launch a bawdy sexualized song with a known defiler of underaged girls. Lady Gaga probably didn’t give a shit until her new album tanked in sales simultaneous to the uproar over R. Kelly’s pissing on pubescent girls came back into the media spotlight. Such is the whimsical nature of creating art with sex offenders. Lady Gaga’s P.R. machine, along with her desperately bleeding cash record label, got Christina Aguilera to re-do ‘Do What U Want’ taking over R. Kelly’s role in the duet with Lady Gaga. They released it on iTunes and are mostly hoping people forget about the R. Kelly intercourse version showcased on SNL and at the American Music Awards.
“When I heard she [Christina] wanted to collaborate, I said of course! She’s such an innovative artist and a risk taker. And as a fellow female, I have so much respect for that.” – Lady Gaga pretending to tell a truth
Yes, of course she wanted to collaborate, after she got offered lots of money to make people forget about the dude who used to arrange underaged sex shows in his condo. I didn’t really need a new version of this crappy song to make me forget about the two month old version of the crappy song. I’m guessing we’re not likely now to ever see the provocative music video Terry Richardson was creating for the R. Kelly and Lady Gaga version. I wonder if they sampled the crying girls from Chicago. That’s so Artpop!
Photo Credit: Versace