Kelly Brook Banging Her Trainer

By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Kelly Brook Aitkins Diet
Somehow the Ellen produced sit-com about happy go lucky lesbian cliches got canceled. No matter. She didn’t need the money and the bodies of those who let her down are now buried in her backyard as a reminder to Portia not to run. This left Kelly Brook jobless after just a few episodes and months of grueling workouts to lose the last twenty for television. She turned lemons into lemonade by fucking the personal trainer who helped her drop the weight. Fitness trainers get all the tail of professional athletes without ever having to show proof of elite talent. Also, the girls know better than to keep a trainer anchor baby. It’s a genius racket.

Photo Credit: Atkins

Kelly Brook Sunbathing

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 10:30 AM

Kelly Brook Sunbathing
I like this English chick. She got stuck in Ellen’s uninspired lesbian sitcom but she’s going to turn that into something big, like a real estate mogul husband or a fat lawsuit against Ellen for being her boss and asking her how many of her toes she guesstimates would fit up her twat after three glasses of wine. Hollywood rewards buxom women who keep their mouths shut and smile. I can help with the lotion on that bum.

Photo Credit: Instagram/FameFlynet

Kelly Brook Glistens

By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 12:14 PM

Kelly Brook Busting Out In Fabulous Magazine
It’s easy to ride magazines for Photoshopping the shit out of images until they all look cartoonish. It’s more difficult to admit the touchups make masturbating that much easier. Kelly Brook now has lean muscle mass and tits that shine like the Lombardi trophy polished up for the big day. I’ve seen Kelly Brook in real life. She’s a thing, but you add in a few passes from the thromdibulator and she becomes the photo you’ll see when the Oxford English Dictionary finally adds cumsplosion. Don’t assume everything phony is bad. Because it’s the exact opposite.

Photo Credit: Fabulous Magazine

Kelly Brook Needs a Better Show

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Kelly Brook Wears Short Jean Shorts While Shopping For Lingerie In Beverly Hills
Ellen’s produced sitcom about a super hot blond lesbian chick making a baby with her supportive straight guy friend isn’t doing well with critics outside of those in Hollywood who fear for their working lives. You talk shit about Ellen in the Thirty Mile Zone, you might as well take your own life in the tub like the defeated Roman generals. The show will continue on given nobody has the balls to face Ellen across her mighty oak desk and explain that the funnier lesbian jokes are about lesbians and not by lesbians because that’s human nature. Also why Margaret Cho lives in an apartment. America is more than ready for lesbians, just check out pay cable after 10pm. Just not sandals and Subaru jokes. You’ve got Kelly Brook locked up for twelve more episodes. I’m no fancy TV writer, but if she and Elisha Cuthbert start motorboating in the shower, you could pocket another Montecito mansion in tokens. I’m ready to accept my GLAAD Media Award now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kelly Brook Prepping for Ellen’s Lez-Com

By Lex February 03, 2015 @ 11:19 AM

Kelly Brook Works Out In A Sports Bra
Kelly Brook got kind of fat there for a while. Even the people who routinely call women curvy were feeling uncomfortable with their made up word. The TV camera adds ten pounds. Which means you need to be at least forty pounds underweight going in to visually obtain Flockhart. Kelly has until the end of February to get down to nine stone or Ellen has the contractual right to nibble on her ear and tell her what she can do for her career. Then lie to Portia and tell her she didn’t see what she thought she saw and the nice men are coming to take for a long rest in the Seychelles. Thank Ellen for the new Prius and shut the fuck up. It’s not a gift, it’s a message.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lesbians Are the New Lesbians

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 10:55 AM

Kelly Brook Is Pixelated Naked In A New TV Show With Elisha Cuthbert Whos Plays A Lesbian
Ellen Degeneres produced a TV show and picked the random category of lesbian as the subject matter. It’s Elisha Cuthbert as a hot stacked lesbian the way lesbians dream lesbians look but only really exist to be married to crazy rich lesbians like Ellen. Everybody else gets Janeane Garofalo. I know she’s not gay, but you get what I’m saying. A very small number of women are hogging all the good lesbians.

The show centers on a super handsome guy who agrees to make a baby with his lesbian best friend only to fall in love with Kelly Brook because her tits are enormous even though they can’t show them on network television since it’s determined to go completely out of business soon. The show is groundbreaking in that there are currently only 45 gay regular characters on television and Elisha Cuthbert’s will be the least realistic. Shame on you, Ellen. You’ve betrayed your people for a few network ad dollars. Though if you got a little taste of Kelly Brook snatch during casting, you’re still my hero.

Photo Credit: “One Big Happy” Trailer