Kelly Brook Prepping for Ellen’s Lez-Com

By Lex February 03, 2015 @ 11:19 AM

Kelly Brook Works Out In A Sports Bra
Kelly Brook got kind of fat there for a while. Even the people who routinely call women curvy were feeling uncomfortable with their made up word. The TV camera adds ten pounds. Which means you need to be at least forty pounds underweight going in to visually obtain Flockhart. Kelly has until the end of February to get down to nine stone or Ellen has the contractual right to nibble on her ear and tell her what she can do for her career. Then lie to Portia and tell her she didn’t see what she thought she saw and the nice men are coming to take for a long rest in the Seychelles. Thank Ellen for the new Prius and shut the fuck up. It’s not a gift, it’s a message.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lesbians Are the New Lesbians

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 10:55 AM

Kelly Brook Is Pixelated Naked In A New TV Show With Elisha Cuthbert Whos Plays A Lesbian
Ellen Degeneres produced a TV show and picked the random category of lesbian as the subject matter. It’s Elisha Cuthbert as a hot stacked lesbian the way lesbians dream lesbians look but only really exist to be married to crazy rich lesbians like Ellen. Everybody else gets Janeane Garofalo. I know she’s not gay, but you get what I’m saying. A very small number of women are hogging all the good lesbians.

The show centers on a super handsome guy who agrees to make a baby with his lesbian best friend only to fall in love with Kelly Brook because her tits are enormous even though they can’t show them on network television since it’s determined to go completely out of business soon. The show is groundbreaking in that there are currently only 45 gay regular characters on television and Elisha Cuthbert’s will be the least realistic. Shame on you, Ellen. You’ve betrayed your people for a few network ad dollars. Though if you got a little taste of Kelly Brook snatch during casting, you’re still my hero.

Photo Credit: “One Big Happy” Trailer

Kelly Brook Understands Halloween, Heidi Klum Doesn’t

By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Kelly Brook Dresses As Sexy Red Devil On Her Way To A Halloween Party
I find the adult subversion of Halloween to be one of the lamer modern social conventions. There’s a bunch of fun stuff we cast off as we grow up like our tinker toys and Happy Meals and the naive belief that athletes and political leaders aren’t beating their women and fucking their male assistants. Turning a children’s dress up party into a drunken adult slut fest is rather Caligula. It’s inherently deviant. In which case, why not show off your tits and make this all about naughty sex. Dressing up like Raggedy Ann or Hello Kitty or an ornate alien butterfly like Heidi Klum, what the hell is the point of that? I get it, you got a make-up artist and a costume guy and a ton of free time. Big fucking whoop. Kelly Brook knows the 31st is like the prom. It sucks, but you can’t really stay home and drink cocoa in protest. So why not get wasted and have unprotected sex with your date and maybe a couple of his buddies? There’s nothing so wrong it can’t be made right by tits. But adult Halloween parties are super close.

Heidi-Klum-Dresses-As-An-Alien-Butterfly-For-Her-Annual-Halloween-Party-In-NYC-LB

Photo Credit: Splash

The Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar Is a Good Time Keeper

By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 9:36 AM

Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar
There’s a time and a place for artificially enhancing a woman’s looks by way of illegally downloaded software. If you’re still buying wall calendars with pictures of hot chicks with big tits, you’re the time and place. There’s a difference between Kris Jenner having a team of Liechtensteiner scientists vectoring wrinkles off her shrunken apple head for Twitter candids, and some guy at the calendar company making Kelly Brook’s tits look hairless so you can spunk to June. If woman is object, why not make the sleekest shiniest object possible? I’m more feminist than most women and it kills them.

Photo Credit: Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook Strikes Me as Jaunty

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:51 PM

Kelly Brook Shops In Busty Top While In West Hollywood
I’m pretty sure Kelly Brook’s knockers are ripening with the season. Maybe she’s pregnant with ideas. She could also just be getting chunky. British women allow themselves that wretched fate after a breakup. In stark contrast to American celebrities who shove cotton balls and Xanax down their gullet to forget the dude from the vampire show who said their cutting turned him on. Love is complicated. Breakups are the worst, unless they turn your tits into black men’s magazine stripper tits. Then you really have something.

Photo Credit:AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Kelly Brook Shouldn’t Have to Pay for Parking

By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 12:31 PM

Kelly Brook Looks Busty As She Struggles With Meter In LA
I said nothing when Los Angeles City Parking started charging eight-thousand dollars and your right nut for an expired meter violation. Godzilla footprint sized pot holes don’t just pay for themselves. But we need some kind of caste system regarding parking meters that favors attractive women with big ole honking titties and disfavors, you know, the opposite. There’s nary a single social transaction where women with enormous tubes in short skirts don’t get some kind of preferential treatment. This is how a society shows that it values boner-inducing women and how everyone else should just shut the fuck up.

Who gets free parking now? The disabled and their smarmy blue placards. Those individuals who lack the capacity to ambulate an extra five parking space widths to get their Subway footlong, but who we encourage to motor two-ton vehicles down the road at lifetaking speeds. Meanwhile, look at Kelly Brook struggling with a parking meter. How is this world made any better if she starts staying home and the byways are filled with crooked backed seniors who forget to turn off their turn signals until next February?

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI