By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
I find the adult subversion of Halloween to be one of the lamer modern social conventions. There’s a bunch of fun stuff we cast off as we grow up like our tinker toys and Happy Meals and the naive belief that athletes and political leaders aren’t beating their women and fucking their male assistants. Turning a children’s dress up party into a drunken adult slut fest is rather Caligula. It’s inherently deviant. In which case, why not show off your tits and make this all about naughty sex. Dressing up like Raggedy Ann or Hello Kitty or an ornate alien butterfly like Heidi Klum, what the hell is the point of that? I get it, you got a make-up artist and a costume guy and a ton of free time. Big fucking whoop. Kelly Brook knows the 31st is like the prom. It sucks, but you can’t really stay home and drink cocoa in protest. So why not get wasted and have unprotected sex with your date and maybe a couple of his buddies? There’s nothing so wrong it can’t be made right by tits. But adult Halloween parties are super close.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 9:36 AM
There’s a time and a place for artificially enhancing a woman’s looks by way of illegally downloaded software. If you’re still buying wall calendars with pictures of hot chicks with big tits, you’re the time and place. There’s a difference between Kris Jenner having a team of Liechtensteiner scientists vectoring wrinkles off her shrunken apple head for Twitter candids, and some guy at the calendar company making Kelly Brook’s tits look hairless so you can spunk to June. If woman is object, why not make the sleekest shiniest object possible? I’m more feminist than most women and it kills them.
Photo Credit: Kelly Brook
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:51 PM
I’m pretty sure Kelly Brook’s knockers are ripening with the season. Maybe she’s pregnant with ideas. She could also just be getting chunky. British women allow themselves that wretched fate after a breakup. In stark contrast to American celebrities who shove cotton balls and Xanax down their gullet to forget the dude from the vampire show who said their cutting turned him on. Love is complicated. Breakups are the worst, unless they turn your tits into black men’s magazine stripper tits. Then you really have something.
By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 12:31 PM
I said nothing when Los Angeles City Parking started charging eight-thousand dollars and your right nut for an expired meter violation. Godzilla footprint sized pot holes don’t just pay for themselves. But we need some kind of caste system regarding parking meters that favors attractive women with big ole honking titties and disfavors, you know, the opposite. There’s nary a single social transaction where women with enormous tubes in short skirts don’t get some kind of preferential treatment. This is how a society shows that it values boner-inducing women and how everyone else should just shut the fuck up.
Who gets free parking now? The disabled and their smarmy blue placards. Those individuals who lack the capacity to ambulate an extra five parking space widths to get their Subway footlong, but who we encourage to motor two-ton vehicles down the road at lifetaking speeds. Meanwhile, look at Kelly Brook struggling with a parking meter. How is this world made any better if she starts staying home and the byways are filled with crooked backed seniors who forget to turn off their turn signals until next February?
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 5:50 PM
Celebrities have yet to figure out anything close to an effective means to express their frustration with paparazzi. There’s the finger, which only serves to quadruple the value of the photograph. The face covered with designer handbag which can expose unsightly ass fat bulges. There’s that futilely stupid pretending to take pictures of thee paparazzi back, like Kelly Brook was doing alongside her not-at-all-roided-up boyfriend leaving a gym or going to a gym or just getting interferon injections so he can fight COBRA Command. This is what’s led Sean Penn and Justin Bieber and Kanye West and other incredibly short angry famous persons to start kicking paparazzi and then paying them lots of money. There’s literally nothing you can do other than, oh, I don’t know, not being famous for modeling your tits and ass in the first place. That doesn’t really seem like a viable option.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet