Kelly Brook Needs a Better Show

By Lex March 23, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Kelly Brook Wears Short Jean Shorts While Shopping For Lingerie In Beverly Hills
Ellen’s produced sitcom about a super hot blond lesbian chick making a baby with her supportive straight guy friend isn’t doing well with critics outside of those in Hollywood who fear for their working lives. You talk shit about Ellen in the Thirty Mile Zone, you might as well take your own life in the tub like the defeated Roman generals. The show will continue on given nobody has the balls to face Ellen across her mighty oak desk and explain that the funnier lesbian jokes are about lesbians and not by lesbians because that’s human nature. Also why Margaret Cho lives in an apartment. America is more than ready for lesbians, just check out pay cable after 10pm. Just not sandals and Subaru jokes. You’ve got Kelly Brook locked up for twelve more episodes. I’m no fancy TV writer, but if she and Elisha Cuthbert start motorboating in the shower, you could pocket another Montecito mansion in tokens. I’m ready to accept my GLAAD Media Award now.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kelly Brook Prepping for Ellen’s Lez-Com

By Lex February 03, 2015 @ 11:19 AM

Kelly Brook Works Out In A Sports Bra
Kelly Brook got kind of fat there for a while. Even the people who routinely call women curvy were feeling uncomfortable with their made up word. The TV camera adds ten pounds. Which means you need to be at least forty pounds underweight going in to visually obtain Flockhart. Kelly has until the end of February to get down to nine stone or Ellen has the contractual right to nibble on her ear and tell her what she can do for her career. Then lie to Portia and tell her she didn’t see what she thought she saw and the nice men are coming to take for a long rest in the Seychelles. Thank Ellen for the new Prius and shut the fuck up. It’s not a gift, it’s a message.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Lesbians Are the New Lesbians

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 10:55 AM

Kelly Brook Is Pixelated Naked In A New TV Show With Elisha Cuthbert Whos Plays A Lesbian
Ellen Degeneres produced a TV show and picked the random category of lesbian as the subject matter. It’s Elisha Cuthbert as a hot stacked lesbian the way lesbians dream lesbians look but only really exist to be married to crazy rich lesbians like Ellen. Everybody else gets Janeane Garofalo. I know she’s not gay, but you get what I’m saying. A very small number of women are hogging all the good lesbians.

The show centers on a super handsome guy who agrees to make a baby with his lesbian best friend only to fall in love with Kelly Brook because her tits are enormous even though they can’t show them on network television since it’s determined to go completely out of business soon. The show is groundbreaking in that there are currently only 45 gay regular characters on television and Elisha Cuthbert’s will be the least realistic. Shame on you, Ellen. You’ve betrayed your people for a few network ad dollars. Though if you got a little taste of Kelly Brook snatch during casting, you’re still my hero.

Photo Credit: “One Big Happy” Trailer

Kelly Brook Understands Halloween, Heidi Klum Doesn’t

By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Kelly Brook Dresses As Sexy Red Devil On Her Way To A Halloween Party
I find the adult subversion of Halloween to be one of the lamer modern social conventions. There’s a bunch of fun stuff we cast off as we grow up like our tinker toys and Happy Meals and the naive belief that athletes and political leaders aren’t beating their women and fucking their male assistants. Turning a children’s dress up party into a drunken adult slut fest is rather Caligula. It’s inherently deviant. In which case, why not show off your tits and make this all about naughty sex. Dressing up like Raggedy Ann or Hello Kitty or an ornate alien butterfly like Heidi Klum, what the hell is the point of that? I get it, you got a make-up artist and a costume guy and a ton of free time. Big fucking whoop. Kelly Brook knows the 31st is like the prom. It sucks, but you can’t really stay home and drink cocoa in protest. So why not get wasted and have unprotected sex with your date and maybe a couple of his buddies? There’s nothing so wrong it can’t be made right by tits. But adult Halloween parties are super close.

Heidi-Klum-Dresses-As-An-Alien-Butterfly-For-Her-Annual-Halloween-Party-In-NYC-LB

Photo Credit: Splash

The Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar Is a Good Time Keeper

By Lex October 22, 2014 @ 9:36 AM

Kelly Brook 2015 Calendar
There’s a time and a place for artificially enhancing a woman’s looks by way of illegally downloaded software. If you’re still buying wall calendars with pictures of hot chicks with big tits, you’re the time and place. There’s a difference between Kris Jenner having a team of Liechtensteiner scientists vectoring wrinkles off her shrunken apple head for Twitter candids, and some guy at the calendar company making Kelly Brook’s tits look hairless so you can spunk to June. If woman is object, why not make the sleekest shiniest object possible? I’m more feminist than most women and it kills them.

Photo Credit: Kelly Brook

Kelly Brook Strikes Me as Jaunty

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 2:51 PM

Kelly Brook Shops In Busty Top While In West Hollywood
I’m pretty sure Kelly Brook’s knockers are ripening with the season. Maybe she’s pregnant with ideas. She could also just be getting chunky. British women allow themselves that wretched fate after a breakup. In stark contrast to American celebrities who shove cotton balls and Xanax down their gullet to forget the dude from the vampire show who said their cutting turned him on. Love is complicated. Breakups are the worst, unless they turn your tits into black men’s magazine stripper tits. Then you really have something.

Photo Credit:AKM-GSI/FameFlynet