By Lex April 14, 2015 @ 8:49 AM
It’s hard to know what’s real about Tori Spelling. The ambitious but untalented souls who sell their lives into these reality show purposefully blur the line between fact and fiction. Who knows if her husband even banged some dward chick in Canada. Might be made up. Maybe she’s broke, maybe she’s got three million in her right front pocket. It’s all smoke and mirrors and chest cleft. There’s only one thing in this world you can count on as fact, the grill at Benihana is super fucking hot. You can’t fake the sizzle. Tori Spelling took an Easter tumble in the Benihana in Encino and landed forearm first on the smoking hot grill. Four sales guys from a Des Moines machine parts company started reflexively applauding. Those fuckers are in every Benihana. Tori was whisked to the hospital for skin grafts and a roots bleach.
Since everybody is going to ask, the baby in the photo is fine. Tori was fortunate he was there to help break her fall. He was only mildly concussed. Doctors say he likely won’t remember the incident though he may cower dramatically during the Dolphin Discovery show at Seaworld.
Photo credit: Tori Spelling/Instagram
By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Reality TV works when you pair dullards in the audience with producers who lock down the leaks. Then somebody from the land of slightly sentient beings gets a thought, something like, if Tori Spelling is broke and evicted and can’t afford to fix her tit blobs, how is she living in a $30,000 a month beach house for the summer? Reality, right off the rails. Doubt creeps in and suddenly you’re wondering if her drunk unemployed husband is really banging babies into Canadian chicks or maybe he’s just drunk and unemployed and not even that interesting. Maybe Tori’s skull piercing open-gill shrieks about his infidelity and being broke and busted and out of options… could that be fake? I’d rather find out that the lunar landing was staged or that 9/11 was the result of a struggling Sbarro franchise owner calling his cousins to take out his restaurant and make it look inconspicuous. If reality shows are phony, what is left to believe in? This is exactly how Scientology creeps in.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 6:03 PM
I don’t care if it’s a request for basic bit of shtupping or some kinky ass shit she heard from a sex doctor on Sirius, you never turn down a woman. It’s like a Japanese sushi chef requesting you sample his signature roll. You turn that toro away and you might as well draw swords. Unlike men who dangle their cocks in the pond waiting for anything to latch on, women feel vulnerable when they initiate sex. If your girl nervously tells you it’d make her so hot if she could shit on your foot, you peel off your sock and tell her how much you love her. It’s unclear what kind of dirty whore olive branch Tori Spelling extended her husband Dean, but it wasn’t enough to keep him from banging drunk girls in his hotel room. Naturally, Dean has an explanation. Tori wouldn’t doink him the night before he left for Canada and he felt confused. And when an alcoholic gets confused, he drinks and screws whoever he can find in the bar. Which makes alcoholism seem pretty fucking neat. My natural tendency is to feel pity for the married man in these types of situations because I figure he’d just a horny bugger who’s lucky to get a peck on the dong once a year on his birthday. But, Dean sure seems like a supreme cunt. Despite her face resembling a dory out of water and her shrill voice transplanted from the haunted hallows of the damned, Tori seems stuck with a husband who likes to drink and fuck a lot more than say, help with the kids or pay the bills. If this show wasn’t almost entirely staged, I’d tattoo Team Tori across my shit foot.
By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 1:58 PM
Say what you want about Godzilla’s ability to level a CGI model city with his sheer bulk, he’s got nothing on Tori Spelling’s ability to make you shit your pants and choose flight over fight. In the promo for her reality show, Tori Has a Fucking Frightful Fish Face, Tori tears into her sobbing Canadian cracker husband for being a cheating substance abusing bastard. Not at all like the married man she started banging when she was also married so they could start populating the planet with their retarded bearded fish spawn. The shrieking shrunken apple head face on Tori will compel your man junk to shrivel up inside your thoracic cavity with no guarantee of return. It almost makes you want to excuse her husband for ditching her and fucking around. Let’s see, do I want a hummer in a hotel room with a random chick who thinks I’m the shit, or release the fucking house kraken and pray she doesn’t find me in the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink. But, no, his asshole readings are off the charts. Four kids into this and no job and that kraken is all you, dipshit.
Photo credit: Fame Flynet
By Travis May 16, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
The main theme of True Tori has been that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are trying to work through his infidelity and addictions so they can continue to have a good marriage and make enough money on TV shows so she doesn’t have to sell their crap to strangers anymore. In the latest clip for this awful show, Dean has been offered a chance to return to Toronto for the second season of Chopped: Canada, but that’s where he cheated on Tori in the first place. So he confides in his friend Wolf for advice on what to do, which is the second best thing they could have had him do, behind locking him in a cage with an actual starving wolf. Just throwing that out there for a ratings boost.
By Travis May 01, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Now that Tori Spelling has been forced to open up about her money woes on her new series, True Tori, so she can continue to make a little more money that will hold her over until she either releases a terrifying sex tape or signs up for celebrity boxing, old friends of hers are starting to share stories about things that her broke ass has done to really piss them off. For example, her former 90210 co-star Jason Priestley had to find out from a TV news show that Tori was selling her personal items at a garage sale, according to Radar, and that even included her own autograph on Jason’s wedding invitation.
“I happened to be at home watching the local news one night, something I rarely got to do. Tori Spelling’s yard sale made the broadcast that night,” Priestley told Us Weekly magazine.
“I saw my very own wedding invitation on the screen.”
“Apparently, it had gone for five bucks, including a personal autograph by Tori. She sold my wedding invitation to a stranger.”
I don’t think anyone feels bad that a former spoiled rich daddy’s girl like Tori is suddenly reduced to selling random shit for a few extra bucks so she can keep pretending that she’s wealthy, but I feel pretty sorry for anyone who spends money on a Tori Spelling autograph that comes on Jason Priestley’s wedding invite. Especially since it could have just been Dean McDermott in disguise, rolling it up and smoking crack out of it. That’s what tin foil is for, Dean.
Photo Credit: Getty