You’d think the two qualifications for being a foreign correspondent in crappy foreign lands is having a decent life insurance policy and being able to hold your liquor. CNN reporter Arwa Damon, whose name when translated from Middle Earth Elfin means staggering angry drunk chick with emotional problems, bit a couple EMTs at the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad as they tried to rescue her from her own intoxicated rage. You prepare for many incidences as an EMT in Iraq, through probably not being Hannibal Lecter’d by a fucked up CNN reporter. Apparently Arwa has a history of whiskey-smelling rampages and her company has tons of dough so the EMTs are suing CNN for 2 million. That seems excessive. But so does being thirty-seven and biting people.
Arwa attempted to head off a lawsuit by writing a particularly cliche abusive alcoholic apology letter:
It’s been an extremely stressful time, I was exhausted, I had not had proper food all day and clearly miscalculated how my body would handle the alcohol consumed . . . Needless to say, I am utterly mortified and take full responsibility for my actions, which are inexcusable.
Nothing says apology like being mortified at your own actions. It’s the triple dog dare of mea culpas. Try that next time you get caught cheating on your girlfriend or found with a bloody knife standing over the neighbor down the hall who plays his stereo too loud. Be mortified. See how far that gets you. It’s like a Get Out of Jail Free Card even with the flesh of the plaintiff still stuck in your incisors.
Photo credit: CNN