Further Proof That Elmo Is An Asshole

By Jack September 19, 2013 @ 3:38 PM

A man known as Anti-Semitic Elmo, because he dresses like Elmo and hates the Jews, is being indicted for trying to extort the Girl Scouts. Adam Sandler, (not the one who makes really shitty movies), attempted to blackmail the Girl Scouts by alleging that a Cambodian man with a love for young flesh abused scouts at official Girl Scout camps with the approval of the organization. He threatened:

“I will show up at Girl Scout functions and other places that parents and kids congregate and hold signs, connecting the Girl Scouts… with the Cambodian Rape Camp man.”

Sandler makes his living off of dressing like Elmo and taking pictures with obese tourists from Omaha in Times Square. He’s been arrested before for going on Jewish bashing diatribes and getting into fights. He plead guilty to the extortion plot and faces 15 years of having fists shoved in his ass like the real Elmo.

After Kevin Clash (the REAL Elmo) got shit canned for making love to young boys and this incident, maybe it’s time for Sesame Street to retire Elmo. Cookie Monster and Big Bird never molested kids, took part in extortion plots, or harbored racist ideas. At least, it’s been kept under better wraps.

Elmo Is Off The Hook And Free To Terrorize Boys on Sesame Street

By Jack July 01, 2013 @ 2:09 PM

Kevin Clash, the fist inside Elmo’s red furry asshole, is not going to be tried for allegedly having sex with three underaged boys. Not because there isn’t enough evidence, but because the accusers waited too late and the statute of limitations ran out. You’ll recall that Clash resigned from Sesame Street after several boys came forward and claimed that they had boy-man sex with Clash when they were still minors. You’d think that there wouldn’t be a time limit on child molestation by a beloved TV Muppet, but you’d be wrong. Clash resigned from Sesame Street but it’s possible that given the fact that he isn’t actually going to be charged he could go back to the show or go work for some other children’s program. That’s what these perverts do, they get jobs that give them access to their prey. Like a necrophiliac at a morgue or a couch fucker that works at IKEA. Either way, Clash officially skates. Today’s news is brought to you by the letter B for bullshit.

Kevin Clash Gets An Emmy Nod For Fingerbanging… A Puppet

By Jack May 02, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Kevin Clash, the dirty perv that used to perform Elmo, has been nominated for a daytime Emmy. You’ll recall that last year the legendary puppeteer quit Sesame Street after it came out that he had been fisting more than a red sock. He allegedly had sex with a couple of teenage boys. Not cool for a children’s entertainer to be stepping into Eagle Scout Master turf. In spite of being a dirty boy fiddler, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences decided that he still deserved a nod for best children’s entertainer. You see, the Academy is able to separate the man from the art. If there’s any karma in this world, members of the Academy will someday be forced to separate Kevin Clash from their teenaged sons. They should just give the award posthumously to Shari Lewis. She never sodomized a child with Lamb Chop, far as we know.