March 27, 2007 | Photos | editor | 0 Comments

Thora Birch – the cute little girl from "Patriot Games" who creeped everyone out by going topless at 16 in "American Beauty" – is filming her next movie that no one will ever see called "The Winter of Frozen Dreams", a true crime story of some chick who did something.  Something seemingly illegal.  Something that is not illegal but should be is the fact that Thoras dad has been on set for all of his daughter sex scenes.  Not to temper them, but to spice them up.  Page Six says:

…says one insider, "The director is saying, 'Harder! Faster!' and the father is giving Winters the thumbs up" … Jack Birch was on the set every day giving orders – even telling director Eric Mandelbaum where to place his camera so that Thora would look her best.Mandelbaum was about to shoot the first sex scene Monday when, "all of a sudden, the front door is being kicked in. Her father was threatening to kill the assistant directors. Then he threatens to pull her from the movie with three days of shooting left." Making matters worse, a problem with the focus on the camera necessitated 14 takes. "It was the most bizarre, perverse scene," said our witness. "One girl on the crew broke down crying."

What the Post kinda just skims over is that Thora is the daughter of Carol Connors and Jack Birch, who starred in dozens of porn movies in the 70s and 80s. Connors (this chick) was even one of the three female stars of "Deep Throat", maybe the most famous porn movie ever.  That's where she met Thoras dad.  This might be a good time to mention that life is precious only up to a certain point, and if my grandmother ever sits me down so we can relive the time she met grandpa while he was jerking off in the corner waiting for this place in line to get on top of her, those pictures better be laminated, cause I'm about to slit my fuckin wrists.  Top psychologists all recommend suicide for things like that. "Recommend" might not be the right word, but they’ll give you a wink and a nod and let you know that sometimes the best medicine is a noose.

Tags: thora birch

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